Cherries

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An ex-girlfriend, I forget which one it was, told me that living with me was hell. I laughed. I said hell was living a mundane life. Hell was being a cookie-cutter who brought no influence to bear on the world or people’s lives. Imagine, not mattering ? It makes me shudder. I am not ordinary. I am not average. I am special and there is a very good reason why I am special. I change people’s lives. I have that magic touch. I will arrive into your world and shake it up. I will spin you around and fill your life with a passion and a light that you never knew was possible. Each day will be a new, magical adventure as you are brought to life. Your existence finally has meaning as you realise that you and I were meant to be together. You sense new purpose at long last. Most likely you have endured hardship in some forms. Not any more, I have arrived to give you the attention you deserve. I highlight the many wonderful traits that you have. You will take greater pride in your appearance. You will work harder. You will keep your home tidier as you realise all these things please me. By pleasing me you will benefit. I will join you in your interests. I will easily fit in with all your friendship groups who will welcome me with open arms and praise you on your choice of being with me. Life is good. Before you were just going through the motions as you stumbled along the treadmill of life. Now your dreams have been realised and you have a soulmate. A beautiful, caring, charismatic, energetic and entertaining soulmate. My kiss causes you to tingle, the sound of my voice on the phone creates yearning. My gifts are thoughtful, apt and received with breathless anticipation. I will surprise you by bringing you some lunch to work and include your favourite meal. I will arrive unexpectedlt when you are having drinks with your friends and make you feel special as I regale you before them demonstrating the sincerity of my love for you. Your family will admire my solid work ethic and clear desire to look after you. Life is so sweet. I am almost too good to be true aren’t I?

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47 thoughts on “Cherries”

  1. It sounds so familiar to the maximum except for one thing. It was the other way around. Those cherries look sweet and delightful. May I have some?

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      1. I replied precisely to your comment in reference to the cherry stone. I was not pertaining it to any interpretation whatsoever. Whatever reaction negative or positive one may have endured, is not on me. I know who I am do they?

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  2. 2 questions:
    1) can i provoke somehow a guy to check if he is narcissist = he is faking emotions?

    Because when we both were drunk he told me somethimg like: ” if u r not agraid to be hurt, go for it (= start relationship with him).

    The problem that i really was not able to understand what exactly he was saying and not coz of alcogol but coz he was near and i couldnt think clearly.
    2) pls tell me again which book i need to read to be able to detect a guy who is faking emotions?

    Thank u

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    1. It is difficult because during the seduction we will paying you compliments and drawing your fuel-laden responses. You could send a fuel-free criticism and if there is a severe reaction you are likely to have wound the N but you also risk offending a non-N. I haven’t written a book specifically about faking emotions but Red Flag details many of the warning signs at the outset.

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      1. Fuel free criticism doesn’t always give severe reaction during lovebombing.

        I told my MN blatantly to f*** off and leave me alone (not fuel free) he didn’t which I thought odd but that he must be so in love with me Hahahha and I was in no way in love with him.

        Non fuel free examples, I told him he was too ‘needy’. He just apologised for this and blamed his illness. How would you have reacted to someone calling you needy HG ?

        With the N, he very nicely offered to send me a dick pic ??? It came from nowhere as I’d never ever spoke about anything sexual with him. I declined saying I never wanted to see his D. He did not seem perturbed by my response and continued to message me.

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      2. I agree since there is a lot of “residual fuel” evident during seduction, which assists dealing with criticism plus we can exert sufficient control to handle it (since it is rare and isolated during seduction) without the ignition of fury. We can often follow-up a criticism by doing something to gather fuel, as in your example above, he mentioned his illness in order to draw sympathetic positive fuel straight after the criticism before its effect took hold.
        If someone called me needy during seduction I would just use it to my advantage, “I never was needy until I met you and you bring something out of me which is different.” Or. “Of course I am needy, who wouldn’t be with you around.”
        The rejection of his dick pic and the reaction to it could probably be controlled in the overall pursuit of you and the provision of fuel from different messages. You never know, he may well have sent the same message to somebody else who responded positively thus mitigating any criticism arising from your rejection.

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    2. The guy i like (the same one who seems had sometjing with my closest friend).
      He started doing strange things fo e.g., yesterday he called me for dinner yesterday or today. I said: we r on standby. He said he will call tomorrow.
      Today he called, were talking 5 or 10 min and didnt suggest neither dinner no to go out!

      Of course i expected that!! And i wanted to say “yes” as i like him a lot..

      On friday he did similar thing: just calling me, chatting anf then “ok, take care”.
      WITHOUT suggesting anything…

      What was the purpose of the call i n this case… i dont understand…

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      1. He is probing your defences, he is ascertaining how willing you are to suggest dinner or whether you are waiting for him to do so.

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      2. He is probing my defences by calling without suggesting anything in case he is ill (Narc) or it s the same aim if he is normal person?
        Finally we don y know if he is narc…

        May be he is normal…

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  3. I trying to understand, these type of text, which i got from a guy i like (but we still didnt have anything). Omce i discovered that my closest friend (a girl) and him hanged out together a couple of times. So he wrote me this:
    “HE: I have been trying to practice some empathy and putting myself in ur shoes; and what I’ve come across is annoying… I know how u are feeling with all this mess… It’s not easy.

    U have the right to be annoyed and I apologize for every disturbance I’ve unintentionally caused…
    But also u have to understand the details and facts, moreover the chronological order of events

    =》 is it a sign that he is a narcissist and just “calculating” what is happening or it s a sign that he is an empath?

    P.s. i am taking antidepressants, so he asked me to give him 1 to try what/how i feel from it. =》 now i also dont know if it s a behaviour of a narcissist or empath?

    Thanks!

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      1. Thank u. What s ur conclusion (that it demonstrates more narcissistic traits) is based on?
        Thanks

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  4. Living with you may have been HER own personal hell, just as you have your personal hell.

    In my hell, the espresso machine is always broken, my mother is constantly talking, going out in the sun is mandatory, and my iPhone is lost.

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    1. I’d ring you to discuss this Cara but I imagine your IPhone will just ring on silent in an unreachable place. Luckily for you though I am a tea drinker (although only first thing in the morning) so I shall see you at 7am.

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  5. Your books have been a great help HG – but I think you are at your best when writing stories like this, pieces from your own perspective. There was one in the past month or so, I think it was called “You shouldn’t have done that” – one of my favorites so far.

    You bring up an interesting point in this one – you say they take better care of the house, their appearance, etc in order to please you, i.e. you make them better. I actually agree (I mean, aside from the fact you’re simultaneously draining me of my life energy.. no big deal). But I do think there are things about me that have changed for the better because of my ex. You had a post a while back asking if the good things you do, even though they are done with negative intentions, aren’t they still good things? I don’t know the answer, but it’s something I’ve thought about recently.. Because he is selfish, and needs everyone to love him, he asks about them and their lives, gives attention to them. Because I’m selfish and I need him to love me, I ignore and abandon everyone else in pursuit of making him happy. I attend to his needs at the expense of everyone else. So in the end, he thinks he’s great because, well he doesn’t need evidence for that.. “everyone else” thinks he’s great because instead of talking about himself, he listens to them and their problems.. and then there’s me. And I can feel alone, like the only one in the world who knows how great I am – so long as I focus on all I’ve done for him, and ignore the “everyone else” part. In my own head, I’m an angel for all I’ve done for you. But I haven’t really done it out of love, have I?No, I’ve done it FOR love, so as to try and secure your love for me. The reality is that neither point of view is correct, we’re really just two sides of the same coin. But even knowing this, I still think I’m better than you. I mean.. maybe I’m really the bigger narcissist 🙂

    Sidenote – I’ve noticed a couple times now where my comments on this blog start to sound to me like your voice – like I start to unconsciously adapt to your writing style or something? Mirroring people is another trait shared by narcs and empaths.. just creeping myself out a little to watch it happenning.

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    1. Thanks KP. Mirroring is indeed one of our traits but also you may be doing it because of your trait of being a “pleaser” which is linked to co-dependency. Have you read Chained?

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      1. Here’s a puzzke, HG. For me but maybe not you.
        I once thanked G for giving me courage to do something I didn’t think I could do. He never said your welcome or anything that made it seem like he took any kind of credit for making me better. I have read and reread what I wrote many times, and then it hit me: was he pissed because I was talking about how much better he made ME? In other words, NOT focusing on how great HE is. I though N types would get off on taking the credit for making yheir fuel sources “better”?

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      2. We take credit to look better, often where it is always due to us, but remember, you are the competition. Your improvement hints that he is not as good as you and therefore your improvement equates to a criticism of him. Remember, we engage in zero sum behaviour. If you improve, it can only be at his cost and vice versa.

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    2. A lot of truth here…. I have been pondering same things. N reminds me of all he has done for me. And he is right…what he doesn’t consider is how much it cost me. I am asking myself if it is worth it… When I am wrapped up in his love it is. He has done well with being reliable and stable as of late….I guess I am just waiting for the return of his evil twin to decide.

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  6. Un peu de Lacan with his structural causality mixed with the big boy Foucault in his Order of Things and voila! You have won yourself- “the” -seat on the throne to the- charlatan of high culture, or perhaps this is a poser posing as a poser. Ring a-round the rosie, we all fall down.

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  7. The construction of the co-dependent in itself, is the co-dependence of its self, and the co- dependent is dependent on the narcissists dependence of his narcissism- being- co-dependent. Although this is the grandiose of self abusive and therefore false, it is also true, as it serves as the only perceivable safe means of existence in navigating with the excruciating pain of the traumas they have respectively endured.

    The co-dependent has an un-honed relationship with its empathic aspects, however, it is the empathy waiting to be accessed, and that once connected with, no matter how fleeting or intense (experiencing empathy can be painful) can empower the co- dependent to break free. With support to heal the co-dependent can begin to see that the shackles that were cast upon them, both through their own shame driven self -punishment and the sadistic lashings of the narcissist, shows to have represented a highly distorted devotion to freedom through the means of self sacrifice.

    What I observe from the courageous co-dependents here on HGs blog is a beautiful plethora of virtuous attributes, in that the co-dependent understands the working systems of authenticity, loyalty, truth, commitment, nurturing and the power of fantasy. What they need to overcome is the shame they experience in allowing these systems to work for the betterment of self: giving to themselves, the permission to love themselves first.

    Keep moving towards yourself!

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  8. Kp I also mirror, always have, I do it to fit in yet Im a people pleaser, though like you I sometimes wonder which end of the spectrum I’m on.

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  9. I see. I just assumed because I am so far beneath him – an opinion G and I share – even my tiny little moment of improvement would be seen as insignificant and non-threatening. Thanks, HG, for being the “decoder ring” for me and all of us here.

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  10. Absolutely.

    In my version of hell, everyone is a slave to the routine of their mediocre lives and no one has a true sense of adventure anymore. Oh, and everyone is wearing beige khakis from the Gap *shudders*

    Hell most certainly is a mundane life. That`s why life with your kind is so bloody amazing! You are not ordinary and that`s what makes you so extraordinary!

    Cherries happen to be one of my most favourite fruits in the universe. I`d be ever so grateful if you`d consider letting me have one…or two.

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  11. Hi HG!

    I can’t say I miss the excitement of being with N’s. I just got another taste of the anxiety of being with N’s!

    Yesterday when I left work at the hospital, my coworkers and I walked out to our parking space and found that my car had a busted window!!! The car alarm didn’t go off….?!

    I thought I’d been robbed, I had some valuables in my car. Expensive sunglasses, designer pumps, some mail with a new credit card in the glove box. The only things missing were my work schedule and a small photo album?! Wouldn’t a theif take the valuables? I thought it was N3….I’ve been getting hang ups lately….but no word from him in months! I’ve been dating a few normal and nice men….I don’t think they’d do such a thing….
    My life has been great lately….is this why he’d mess with me?!

    That window was busted with RAGE! Glass was everywhere!
    I filed a report with the police…..

    Your thoughts, HG?

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      1. Thanks HG….that’s what I thought…..the photos were just old family photos. Copies thank God! I figured it was him…there were other cars with more things to steal from there….

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      2. My poor coworkers….they’ve all been married to wonderful men for 10-20 years….they just can’t figure out why I end up with all of the crazy men! lol! There is something to be said for marrying young….

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  12. Very inviting… very scary..very dangerous as one will never know what true what’s not…what real and what’s not…Is there a way how a Narcissist can convince someone , if he/she wanted, that what they say/do is genuine dear G.?

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