Sex Sells
I am an accomplished lover. I know I am.I have been told so on many occasions. Plus the noise, the pupil dilations, spasming and orgasmic flush all tell the same story. I know what I am doing and I do it to great effect. My sexual performance is a matter of great pride to me. I look after myself so I have plenty of stamina. I am an expert in studying body language (how do you think I got hold of you in the first place?) and what it conveys. I want to be the best so I will work damn hard to ensure that you enjoy it to the full when we go to bed. I don’t actually enjoy love-making that much. I actually prefer knowing how much what I do thrills you. Not because I want you to feel good, but because knowing I have that power over your reaction to my mouth, to my tongue, my fingers and so on, is intoxicating to me. I strive for perfection and that translates into me giving you the time of your life between the sheets. It also serves the purpose of making you want me with an unrivalled passion. You love how I make you feel, so you want more and thus you attach yourself to me all the more. In fact, so powerful is my sexual allure and performance you will often dismiss other things as inconsequential, just to ensure you get you fix.
Of course, causing you to be addicted to me in this way only serves to empower me so that I will deny you love-making when I want to punish you and upset you. As with all my forms of withdrawal and belittlement, this acts as fuel for me. I have to say however that pushing you away when you reach across the bed or try to unbutton my trousers when I am sat in the living room really is a crushing blow to you. You cannot understand how such a passionate, accomplished lover can now show no interest in you. You try all your tricks to lure me into bed but they will not work. I am the one who ensnares, not you. Remember, it does not matter to me that we don’t make love. I find it a maintenance chore after a time, I would much rather deny it to you and watch you crumble.
72 thoughts on “Sex Sells”
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These old articles and threads are really good, thank you for bringing them into my awareness more K. The frank honesty/transparency in this one struck me. I have read Sex and the Narcissist but this article distills it down and the comments are on either side, which I find interesting. I think I would like to go on a trip, have a fling with a narc who’s actually good at it and have the memories without the ensnarement. But I’d probably regret it afterward. The comment that talked about wishing for something more real made a lot of sense, that would be nice.
Great consolation to me, MLA Clarece!
I ve read Sex and the Narcissist in the meanwhile!
So clarifying and helpful, so hurting!
One question, Mr Tudor:
In “Sex and the Narcissist” you mention that you had explained your kind’s methods of putting your victim back to childhood, mentally. This subject is of great importance to me. Could you please tell me in which of your books you are giving those explanations?
Thank you so very much!
Hello Ursula, I have not expanded on that topic in huge detail elsewhere but it receives mentions.
Thank you! As I am going to read most of your books, I am going to find the Information …
I appreciate the shout-out! If you enjoyed that book, I highly recommend reading “Revenge”. Not necessarily for seeking or getting revenge, but for the in depth analysis of the Narc’s different pillars. It greatly altered how I communicated over time with JN whenever he hoovered. Early last week I had an opportunity to strike back against his “superiority” pillar and can honestly say, this is truly the first time in 20 months that he went silent and I know it is because I wounded him and I could care less. I’ve gone several days with hours going by that all of a sudden I realize I haven’t even thought about him. That is HUGE and a major shift for me. For me personally, NC wasn’t enough. I really feel I made a breakthrough and traditional therapy didn’t cut it. HG’s mentoring did. I wish I could buy him a helluva steak dinner at Benny’s Chop House or something. 🙂
Thank you Clarece. Steak sounds good. Mine are sanguine.
Thank you, MLA Clarece! I will follow your recommandation!
I’ve got the impression we are a bit of alike!
HG’s writings already are of invaluable help in altering my way of communicating with the narcissist I am/ was involved with. I am able to act much cooler.
I am going to read “Revenge” as soon as possible.
I agree on piece mealing the withdrawal for yourself. Increments work better for some. During the quiet time it allows you to logically think through things and not react out of emotion.
Clarece, I am gathering strength on a daily basis in following HG s Blog.
I try to do it in little portions. Last week: three days without contacting the narc by myself.
This week: five days.
Plus: Chatting with him without making advances, without inititiating erotic encounters and the like.
For me, this is a tremendous step.
Yes Clarece, exactly. As I am only an intimate partner secondary source not living together with him, withdrawal step by step should do the job for me. (Hurtful as it is) My narc’s primary source is suffering from breast cancer, by the way. I am waiting for HG Tudor to post an article about the effects of narcisisstic abuse on the health of the victims. And also on the narcissist’s behaviour in case the primary source gets seriously ill. But I will also try to write about it in my own blog.
Thank you very much, Clarece. You are a good supporter and advice giver!
Thank you so much URC!
😊👍
Dear Mr. Tudor, could you eventually write an article about why some of your kind so often choose to discard us or inflict a silent treatment upon us right in the aftermath of great sex?
Suffered through this for several times.
It’s a demonstration of power and omnipotence, right? To be able to leave and discard right after great sex?
And it provides you with thought fuel to imagine how devastated the victim must feel?
Apart from that, do some of your kind really feel disgusted by the victim after having been together… you know… ?
Thank you so very much for providing some answers.
P.S. I’m going to read “Sex and the Narcissist” but have to organize a Kindle yet.
You are welcome. Sex and the Narcissist is also available as a paperback and you do not need a Kindle to read the e-books, you can download the free Kindle app to any electronic device.
I have made a note to address the topic you have mentioned
Thank you so very much!
This is incredibly valuable to me.
I’m going to look for “Sex and the Narcissist” as a paperback.
And thank you so very much for your forthcoming informations about discarding/silent-treating an ipps immediately after an intimate/sexual encounter.
During my relationship with a somatic narcissist, silent treatment, stone walling, or (pretended) discard would follow inevitably after having been together… Practically each and every sexual encounter was correlated with a more or less radical break-up. It was like the price I had to pay for having been allowed to be together with him…
Thank you so much once again.
I experienced similarities with that too.
Nailed it. Pun intended. A good somatic narc of either gender will totally fuck you stupid. But, if you don’t want a deep genuine relationship, and you just want them to keep coming back and trying, *grin*, there are ways…
Ah, sex with The Narcissist. Closest thing to Lucifer himself. Of course Lucifer’s offerings are full of magic and witchcraft and illusion and when we let him become our Delilah …yes, we are and do get FUCKED. Before we know what he is, oh how magical and sweet it is. How does he know how to do that, just like that??? The words, the placement, the right pinch, the blueprint to our sexual code. Yes, yes, yes…highly addictive that oxytocin charged rush seems like it was a prescription sent from heaven above.
Until. Until the mask drops. I am not into bestiality or masochism. Now that we now he is only a Mirror…we get to realize that OUR sexuality is what is totally and completely fucking hot! And more so, with depth and multidimensional layers. We fall in love with OURSELVES.
Sex could never be just sex for me. Yes, it can be primal and I’ve tried to hold the “it’s just sex” and meaningless attitude but thT’s always been a lie to myself. That was the lie that got me in bed with a Narc to begin with- oh, it’ll be just a fun few weeks of fantasy with the guy who seems sensitive but edgy and sort of wounded. We can enjoy each other physically and both walk away when we have been satiated. A very dangerous position for an HSP or codependent to take.
Detoxing sexually from the N is a withdrawal and an agony I shall never allow myself to go through again. My heart now burns for the strong, kind and gentle type that respects himself and can respect me as well. And he can only come into my sacred space if I respect my body, heart and soul. I do. I do. I do. It feels delicious to anticipate surrendering to the rapture of a conscience Union…vulnerable, honest, real and sweet. Vanilla tastes mighty good these days.
Looking back at the N, yes he was good as good can get when I thought he was an ocean of raging passion. Now he’s just a muddy puddle in the rear view of my Mind’s Eye.
I love everything you wrote here. All of it! Especially that as it turns out, we are the hot ones in bed. They may enable it to come the surface, but then we deliver! That is all.
It`s all rooted in what you discussed in an earlier post – selling a false reality/fairy dreamland to people about what love, romance, sex, relationships is SUPPOSED to be like, knowing full well that no one will ever come close to achieving that veiled perfection.
People are so gullible, hence why your kind thrives in this contrived, contorted and oh-so poorly constructed society we live in. 😉
Correct (you have mail)
Three simple words = sly smile spread across lips and heart beats a little faster.
And this is why, I have never associated sex with intimacy or love. I think I mentioned before that the term “to make love” makes me want to vomit.
Sex, for me anyway, is purely physical. I don’t have sex to express love or because I crave closeness or intimacy. I have sex because I love the way it feels – I love to give as much as I love to receive.
I don’t have to be in love with someone to have great sex – for me, it’s all about the intensity, the physical attraction, and the basic animalistic nature of it all.
Perhaps that’s part of the problem. I mean, I have girlfriends who absolutely believe that sex=love and they get so angry if their husbands don’t react the same way. It creates so much resentment, tension and unhappiness.
I don’t get why something so simple has to be turned into something so bloody complex.
Indeed but how else are those romcoms, mid-afternoon chat shows, problem pages etc going to make a living?
Whhhaaattt poor old Gerhard suffers too!! .. poor fella , bet he doesn’t swing it around like a dead slug though 🙂
Ha ha a dead slug, did your pour salt on it rather than sugar by mistake?!
Slug pellets HG . Worked a treat 🙂
Ha ha.
reading your posts and comments on sex as well as the fabulous book sex and the N was probably the last peice I needed to fully heal.
I never got that far with mine. We kissed a few times (which was amazing and he’d always told me he was an amazing kisser) he knew he had sealed the deal anyway so started using it as a method of control, that coupled with his illness so it never went any further physically.
I digress slightly. I love sex and finding out from you HG that this really meant nothing to him at all even if there was no love, that he wasn’t actually interested in sex !!!!! Wow !!! It all made so much sense and I’m not someone who wants to be with someone who does not love or fancy me. No way. The first sign of that and I’m off no matter how tough it may be! I had already worked out there was no love with him being an N but until I found your blog I had absolutely no idea that most Ns felt this way about Sex. There’s is no info out there about this at all and I thank you hugely for being so candid and it all makes such perfect sense now. And for him to not even be sexually attracted to me any more than his own hand ??? !!! Or maybe even less hahhah
Well that just put me off him altogether.
Pleasure Alexis, I am pleased you have found it useful.
I should add that he definitely tries to evoke pity from those around him. I’m a monster, I’ve abused him, his ex wife was terrible and a pill addict, I’m keeping him from his children. She is keeping him from his children. I’m crazy and out to get him. I’m a raging drunk that will never change my ways, (even though I haven’t touched a drop in three months.) He is a king of Blame Shifting and Projection. He is a crack cocaine and alcohol abuser, but denies and knows how to skirt around court mandated substance abuse assessments. He is attempting to take my children from me, I know this is a ploy to hurt me and will fail, so long as I keep it together.
HI BD, one careful distinction to make is the difference between a Victim Narcissist and the victim mentality that we all adopt. His desire to be the best at various things coupled with his ability to skirt around court mandated assessments and the nature of his victim/pity plays, blame shifting and projection causes me to agree he is Mid-Range. I think he is somatic in nature because the muscularity and the sexual prowess are prevalent. The poor hygiene is a Victim Narcissist trait but I think it is outweighed by the other factors. He plays the victim (as we all do) but he is not a Victim Narcissist as I see no evidence of laziness, reliance on injury/illness (real or imagined), need to have you nursemaid him and the strength of how you describe his sexual prowess alongwith the need to be seen as the best at what are essentially skilled activities puts him firmly as a Mid-Range Somatic to my mind.
Thank you H.G. now I know what I must do. I have begun to plant the seeds. Now I sit back and watch them grow.
Upon reading Revenge and Sitting Target, I was kind of in a quandary when it comes to classifying my ex Narc. All signs point to Mid-Range Victim, but there are a few things that don’t add up. The sex was mind-blowing, and he knows it. He is muscular, but has worked construction much of his life, and has been in prison. (That is ALWAYS someone else’s fault, usually a woman.) He touts his abilities in being the best at construction, the best at fixing cars, the best at everything he does, his hygiene is atrocious, however. Is the sexual prowess an anomaly? What am I dealing with here so I know how to effectively launch my Revenge campaign.
Haha. Good morning HG …too funny !! you do make me laugh , though I’m struggling to get the image of it out of my head now .. It aint pretty !!
You can’t say that about a Gerhard Richter!!
Rolling in complete laughter haha!
Oh I remember the sex well , especially in the final few years when it’s idea of foreplay was opening his dressing gown, flapping his flaccid from side to side & expecting me to be gagging for it … Lost count of the number of times I’d mentally redecorated the house !!
I think the Tyrian Purple works well and the Gerhard Richter as a centre piece is to die for.
That’s a fetching selfie HG.
That’s no selfie Bethany, that’s a composition.
I was not drawn to that gentleman at all. The vacancies of gentleness in his eyes highlighted a sadistic and dramatic call to the dark.
That’s very poetic…
What type of eating and workout schedule you follow?
Three fresh souls a day and a rigorous overhaul of the ideas engine, coupled with 50 left eyebrow raises, 100 smirks and a thousand yard stare.
(－‸ლ)
I guess you’re it on a stick.
HAHA! That’s perfect.
You know what they say – a pound of flesh a day keeps the doctor away.
Or something like that.
Those eyes look angry and empty. Would never follow them to bed. Through this post you made it clear that pleasing us is not the ultimate goal. Has anyone called you out? What would you do if they did before you were finished with them?
Do you mean that someone has said to me that I am only in it for myself?
Yes. Ex became furious when he felt I didn’t react as I should have to his wiles. Sometimes we don’t want it, especially after you’ve made us feel so “special” (devalued). At the end stage I once asked which of us was he trying to pleasure? Has anyone asked you something similar?
Clarece asked my follow up. What happens if your supply person hesitates or refuses before the devalue? You answered thoroughly. Thanks as always.
You are welcome.
Yes I have been asked if I am doing it more for myself than the person I was with. I answered, ” I’m doing it for you, you know that, because then you will return it to me.”
Again and again. Yep.
This hurts the partner and creates turmoil, unworthiness, rejection, unattractiveness and unloved which makes the narcissist tickled and so Powerful from their perspective. I heard that both cerebral and somatic narcissists could work well in a relationship but after a time, the somatic may seek fuel sexually from other partners due to lack of sex from the cerebral narcissist who in time no longer desire sex. Its either all or none is right. Can a narcissist simultaneously go back and forth?
We can readily go back and forth indeed it is often necessary for us to do so. If your stock is high it is because your predecessor is being devalued. The predecessor is re-engaged as part of a hoover, your stock diminishes with us as theirs rises. Someone new enters the equation and both current primary source and predecessor primary source see their stock tumble. Up and down, push and pull, back and forth. As you write, it is all or none. If your stock increases then someone else’s must be decreasing. Zero sum approach.
Hmm, I understand what and how you mean; however, the cerebral pretty much remains sexless after a time and only after the somatic partner he was involved in a relationship with leaves him (needless to say since a somatic must carry on to fill her/his fuel sexually at all times-not about intimacy but power) is when he goes back into yet another sexual beast thriving to get his power back through sexual supply because the intellectual part to get supply didn’t work for the somatic who left him bruised and injured. The somatic can turn the other way as well. It really depends on their life crises at the time. Whichever dominates in the phase and for how long. Sick to the “Norm” but exciting and a merry-go-round self sabotaging for any type of narcissist. Thank you. You’ve been very helpful to all.
PS. Did you say you were posting your picture?
I gave no advance warning Leilani.
Ouch.
Is that a photo of you, HG?
What do you think LO?
Who is it?
Not even close
Oh, too bad. 🙁 Well, I can always use my imagination! I bet you look better. 😉
Oops, that last reply of mine was actually meant for HG, not for you F&R–I failed to look at who was replying.
No worries luckyotter
Has anyone turned the tables on you? Let’s say it’s before you’ve gone into full on devalue mode, but you’ve shown some moodiness here and there. But you go to make your move and they are not having it and not into you at the moment. Does that wound you or amp up your A-game to seduce?
Also, although you detest the intimacy of sex and put so much effort into the perfect performance to gain the love and addiction of your supply, surely after all this time there must be certain aspects you’ve come to enjoy or some thrill when a partner does a new technique or something to surprise you making your pleasure intensify more? Yes? No? If yes, does that endear them to you more or longer?
When you write I “go to make my move” just to clarify, at what point is this happening? At the outset of seduction, during seduction or on the cusp of devalue? What do you mean by making my move? The attempt to seduce? A particular sexual encounter?
The physical sensation od sex is removed and separated from the intimacy. I enjoy the physical aspects. I enjoy the fuel that flows from my performance. I enjoy the fuel that flows from the removal of my performance. I do not engage in sexual union to achieve intimacy. I do it to seduce and draw fuel, the physical enjoyment is a pleasant adjunct. If a partner does something new with me I regard it as fuel since they clearly wish to please me further.
You go to make your move, or initiate sex and she turns it down. For sake of argument let’s say she sees a red flag with you. It’s before devalue stage. How do you react?
Apply more charm and persuasion to get my way, ascertain what the hesitation (note how I regard it as hesitation and not refusal) is and then remove that hesitation by assuaging concerns, convincing her the red flag is a false reading. Press home the advantage.
Being sexually addicted to a N was by far the best intoxication I’ve ever experienced! I have enough awareness not to ever put myself in a vulnerable, emotional position with a N or S but damn, nothing compares to that all consuming high I experienced during sex.
It really is all about control for you.