5 Post Discard Revenge Jabs



If you are finally clambering out of the emotional hell hole that is the immediate aftermath of being discarded and steadily and methodically piecing your life together after the whirlwind entanglement of our kind. If you have managed to stop the ground from disappearing beneath your feet, you don’t feel like you are going to explode from anxiety and you can sense progress. If you know there is still a long way to go but you sense that your old self is returning. If you managed to discard us and despite the buffeting hoovers and the residual impact of the devaluation and the effects of ever presence, you are gaining focus. If you are putting things back together, picking up the pieces and you are resisting the entanglement once again. If any of these apply and you feel your energy returning, your clarity of thought improving and a sense of growing optimism you may want to gain a few moments of satisfaction by sending a few jabs our way. They won’t be knock-out blows. You are not strong enough to achieve that yet. The recovery is still ongoing. You may want us back but we are keeping you at arm’s length whilst we focus on someone new. It might be that you are maintaining No Contact successfully. In either instance, you are not in contact with us, either through our choice or yours. You want a quick win. Something to ease the pain for a while. A sense of pleasure amidst all the pain, even if it is fleeting in nature. You want to lands some blows for once. You are sick of seeing us appear to always be the winner. We walked away unscathed. We found someone new. We tell the world how wonderful that new person is. We smeared you and continue to do so. So often the unfairness of your discard or escape from us is significant. Even when you have got away from us, you still somehow feel like you have lost as you see our grinning face plastered across social media with someone new. If we discarded you, you certainly do feel the dejection of defeat. If this is the case, there are five easy ways to recover some pride and land some blows against us. You will not be able to see our reaction, that would endanger No Contact or have other risks to you if you have been discarded but know this. The effects of these five quick jabs will wound us, will infuriate us and we will realise it is you. You will dent our over-sized egos, you will have us explode in fury, you will make us feel weakened. You will tear into our sense of status and superiority and we will not like it all. It won’t last. This is not total revenge but it will help you to know that you can do something during your steady and gradual recovery to strike back and raise your spirits. These are little slices of revenge which will enable you to sit back and think, “He won’t have liked that at all.”

Remember, there should be no direct engagement with the relevant narcissist. There should never be any accompanying emotion to these acts, otherwise they are just fuel and they will not have the desired effect. Do it anonymously. We will know it is likely to be you but we don’t know for sure and this will increase our paranoia, after all, we do start to stack up the people with grievances after a while. You also don’t want to score an own goal by allowing us to link it directly to you so we can take further action against you. With those points in mind, here are five quick-fixes to jab at your narcissist and land a telling blow.


  1. Organise for a delivery of adult nappies (diapers) to be sent to our home address.


  1. Send a neutral letter to our workplace. The content of the letter is not the key. It is the address on the front of the envelope and the salutation. Ensure our job title is incorrect and make it something way beneath what we are, e.g. Chief Paperclip Counter or Executive Foliage Numerator (leaf-counter). Put our name and the title on the front and address the letter inside as “Dear Deputy Cookie Cutter” or such like. Await explosion.


  1. Arrange for an estate agent(realtor) to attend our property on the basis of needing a quick sale owing to financial problems.


  1. Sign up for work and home e-mails to receive updates from retirement homes, incontinence aids, mobility scooters, funeral plans and anything which is a reminder of mortality and/or infirmity.


  1. Create a Facebook group and add your friends and our friends and anybody else relevant to it. Make the group consist of nothing put pictures of our face photo shopped on to pictures of animals and insects which traditionally evoke disgust and ridicule. Use (with permission) someone else’s account to achieve this so it is not directly linked to you. The aim is not to be nasty but rather to invite ridicule. Done under the auspicious of humour, we will have a sense of humour failure as we hate to be the object of ridicule. Leave it in place for a week or two and then remove. The aim is a jab, not a campaign.


These acts will bring a smile to your faces and infuriate us and best of all they are quick fixes for you to use as you recover.

If you are ready to seek Revenge on your narcissist, then read Revenge: How to Beat the Narcissist in order to understand how to conduct a legitimate campaign to secure total revenge over your tormentor.

US  https://www.amazon.com/Revenge-Beat-Narcissist-H-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01CIYUUCS

UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Revenge-Beat-Narcissist-H-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01CIYUUCS

CAN https://www.amazon.ca/Revenge-Beat-Narcissist-H-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01CIYUUCS

142 thoughts on “5 Post Discard Revenge Jabs

  1. 69 Revolver says:

    HG, my nex turns 64 soon. He’s vain and aging causes him *great* angst. So, after listening to your vid on this, the nex has coming to him: 10 geriatric supply company catalogs, multiple samples of Depends and the like, a DVD kit on a hair replacement procedure, flyers on nearby retirement communities, info on hearing aids and dentures, and last but not least, a booklet addressing erectile dysfunction repleat with info on a ‘vacuum’ style product. He will never suspect it’s me. It’s just not my style.

    I’m not devious. I don’t seek revenge or paybacks. They’re simply too energy consuming and so many people just aren’t worth my time. However, your suggestions made this too easy for me. This is your fault. HG, you made me do this.
    So there. An Empath can reverse blame onto a Narcissist, too. Touché.

  2. Abbie says:

    I’m glad I have found this blog. I went no contact after my narc discarded me 2 months ago. But I have received a text from the unknown number. I have responded because it was an emergency text but I tried hard to be neutral as possible and now I wonder if this fuelled him or not.

    Him: “Hi, it’s X. I need your help and you are the only one I know could help me. Can I call you?”

    Me: no response.

    Him, after 30 minutes: “I mean I don’t want to talk to you about some irrelevant stuff. Legal issues.”

    Me: I don’t know if I could help – define the problem.

    Him: There is someone who needs a good lawyer in X-city so I thought about you. Can you recommend someone? I’ts really important.

    Me: I can’t recommend anyone if I don’t know what kind of lawyer you are looking for.

    Him: Of course, you are right. I don’t know. I have to ask. Can I write back in the evening?

    Me: ok.

    Him after a few hours: blah blah blah blah blah blah This person needs a family law attorney.

    Me next day: I see. Unfortunately I don’t know anybody who works in this field in X-city. You should ask Kate (our mutual friend).

    Him: Ok thank you very much. I really appreciate your help, I’ll do as you advise. Thank you!

    Me: no response.

    I don’t know if I handled it right. I didn’t accept the call, just managed it through texts, I didn’t ask about the details, had no interest in the topic. To be honest I gave him nothing (but I could try more of course) and didn’t fall for his flattery.

    What do you think?

  3. JustAsk says:

    Hi HG,
    What if someone send anonymously letter to Narc wife about that what he is? does that reach her mind?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean writing to the narcissist’s wife to tell her that he is a narcissist? It is not guaranteed to succeed as her proximity and thus her rampant emotional thinking will work against the content of the correspondence. She may well recognise similarities between his behaviour and what is described, that is more likely, but whether she acts on it is far from certain.

  4. K.O says:

    HG I escaped my supposed Mid range Narc 20 days ago and implementend no contact, we had a relationship lasted 9-10 months on the last tow months i discovered all the truth about who her really was but stayed just to try play wight her ofc was worthless we can’t win.Then i got out,she still calls a lot i blocked but there is stiall a register on my phone from blocked calls.I also blocekd her and mutual friends in all social medias,thinking to follow you tips here,but the no contact alone cause a criticism in this situation? The devaluation was on but just got started when i dumped her,i thought about expose her but w ould need gather much more proof and i felt theright time to leave had come, i was strong enough and clear minded so i left.Wich are more ways to deliver criticism without revealing myself?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done on no contact. No contact does cause wounding, yes. You should not be concerning yourself with looking to wound the narcissist at this early stage of your no contact because if you try to do so, you will be engaging with the narcissist and this will cause your emotional thinking to rise and you risk being ensnared again. You need several months of solid no contact so your emotional thinking is brought under control and then you can consider whether you wish to engage in wounding activity which is detailed in my book ‘Revenge’.

      1. Rhee says:

        I’ve been hating my ex narc vehemently lately . We work next door to each other . As soon as I’m in proximity, I start getting angry , I can’t concentrate . It’s been 6 wks no direct contact . Finally I wrote this note and left it on his car: I cant function with all this hatred in my heart .im giving it up to the master . Peace .
        I tried to work it out myself but it didn’t work . For some reason it made a world of difference for me . It felt like closure for me . even though I’m second guessing myself now . Did I blow it ? ….. was he reading my message and Feeling victorious ? How would you have reacted ?
        Ps I bought your book

  5. Assclownslayer says:

    I totally get what you’re saying here. The GN who invaded my life (and continues to do so with hoovers) totally lost his marbles when called a “Little Bitch” by a waitress (whom he saw as beneath him). She called him that for being obnoxious at her restaurant. She said it dead-pan with an attitude of not giving one tiny f#%^ about him. He flipped out and the mask slipped in public. It was spectacular. The key is revenge with no emotion. This has convinced me- getting your book.

  6. Katja says:

    I guess, I developed a quite good sence for these kind of revenges… for example, he sent me a vid on whatsapp, I made a screenshot of it (without opening it) and sent this screenshot photo to his new, 20 years younger girlfriend (yes I have her number) with the text to stop her boyfriend contacting me. It was not the message, I ment as a revenge. The revenge was on the screenshot pic. I saved his name in my phone under the name “pathetic old goat”. She surly showed this screeshot to him, and he surly got furious because I call him pathetic old goat, and this way the new girl could even see that… 😀

  7. Lacy says:

    One more question if I may please. Does a narc eventually recover from this wounding and try to Hoover again if we fall into the 6th sphere at a later time? Or is he done Hoovering for good when
    I enter his thoughts? Thanks for helping!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, he does recover. Yes he may try hoovering again if there is Hoover Trigger e.g. you enter the sixth sphere and also that the Hoover Execution Criteria is met. The fact the N was wounded last time (dependent on which type of N he or she is) means the hoover execution criteria bar is likely to be raised.

      1. Lacy says:

        Again, thank you as always!

  8. Lacy says:

    Hi HG, How does the Mid Narc respond to this scenario? After a wounding, I was given the silent treatment and then brutally discarded. Not knowing what I was dealing with,I spend the first week, trying to reach him and received no response and then I quit bothering. 3 months later, I received 3 silent hoovers, weeks apart (phone call-no message) to which I ignored. 2 weeks later, in a weak moment(tequila shots) I thought I would give him a silent hoover(phone call, let it ring twice and hung up with no message just like he does(opps,butt dial ha!). Within the hour, he rang twice. I ignored the first, and responded with an auto reply text on the second call that stated “sorry, I can’t can talk right now” to which he responded “meet me later?” I ignore this. A day later he called 3 times and left no messages and then sent a text saying “hi” which I also ignored. I have to say that it felt good to have the shoe on the other foot for a change and I hope that i was able to wound him even if just a little.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He will be reaching the point of wounding now after your repeated failure to respond to his hoovers. He evidently perceives that you are worth pursuing as he has done so despite you failing to respond, which suggests that the perceived benefit is considerable the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria has been lowered. Have they continued at all since you first sent this message?

      1. Lacy says:

        no, nothing yet.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thanks Lacy.

      2. Lacy says:

        BTW- we were both married and I was the DIrty Little Secret.

      3. Lacy says:

        “He evidently perceives that you are worth pursuing as he has done so despite you failing to respond, which suggests that the perceived benefit is considerable the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria has been lowered.”
        HG, can you explain what you mean by the bar on the HEC has been lowered?

        Thank you, Sir.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If the bar is raised, the criteria for the hoover becomes harder to achieve thus it is less likely to happen. If you lower the bar, it becomes easier to achieve and more likely to happen. See 10 Hoover Hurdles for more factors which affect the bar.
          In your instance, the perceived benefits were greater than the risk, thus the bar was lowered and he hoovered. There was an obstacle (you did not respond and thus there was a risk of criticism) but the quality of your fuel meant he was prepared to risk that by keep hoovering.

          1. Lacy says:

            I see. Thanks HG!

          2. HG Tudor says:


      4. Lacy says:

        and he’s back….trying harder this time. No response from me and I have you to thank for that!

  9. Unbreakable says:

    Hi HG
    Im in Mexico and i tried to purchase Revenge, but when i got into Amazon, it said that this book is not available in my country. Is there any way that i can purchase this or other of your books?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Unbreakable, I assume you are referring to the paperback version as the kindle version shows as being able to be purchased. I recommend that you purchase the paperback of revenge from the US amazon site and have it shipped to you.

      1. Lacy says:

        It seems that my comments are not being posted. What gives?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They are in moderation. They will eventually appear.

          1. Lacy says:

            Thanks! Thought that maybe I was doing something wrong.

  10. Could I get into legal issues if I posted a pic of him on my blog and wrote: this is the Predatory Gaze?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am not giving you legal advice but it might be considered defamatory and I would suggest you don’t do so. Plus it will only give him fuel and a reason to attack you.

      1. I will not do it. Thank you,

  11. twinkletoes says:

    The other relationship went down the toilet already; most people get sick of his antics and dump him after a while. I was always the sucker he’d retreat to, even when we lived other places. When rock bottom is hit…Do narcs ever mourn the loss of a fuel source?

    The two stooges refriended each other, coincidentally.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We don’t mourn it we become irritated by its loss if it escapes us.

      Keep a watchful eye on those two stooges Twinkletoes.

  12. twinkletoes says:

    Oh damn HG The lieutenant got discarded. It appears He is no longer on Tubby’s friends’ list. I assume psych lieutenant simply friended me then….to get even. Rats what a disappointment.

    will a psychopath destroy your kind?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well it depends on the order of events. He may have been complying with an instruction from Tubby and has then been discarded. Then again do not discount the fact it just might be a ruse to make you think that there is no connection between Tubby and the Lieutenant so your guard drops.
      Will a psychopath destroy our kind? No.

      1. twinkletoes says:

        He moved a few hours away with the replacement about a year ago. plus at the end he threatened to call the police if I did not leave him alone (All I wanted was my stuff back). So I stayed NC, for fear of being labeled a stalker. I rang his number once in late Oct and it just went to voicemail. I think social media might be the only way. Its possible I guess he’s not hoovering at all.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He is content to rely on his new primary source. I should imagine if you presented yourself physically in front of him he would respond but given the distance and his new primary source he is content not to hoover you.

  13. narcmagnet says:

    Fake grindr account in his name w/his oh-so-hot pictures that he used to send to me? Heh heh…not that I’d ever do such a thing!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. narcmagnet says:

        I think I earned the right to be entertained too, don’t you, HG??

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed, you are time-served.

  14. Clarice Starling says:

    A thousand apologies malclarece! I am very new to the site. I decided to comment and chose my name on a whim. Your writing style is better than mine so I doubt anyone would confuse us.

    As I type this, it occurs to me that one day I’m bound to make a typo. Wouldn’t HG get a laugh out of that! He seems to handle everyone here with respect and courtesy, though. An interesting truce indeed!

    As I read the comments it makes me think of delicate moths fluttering around a flame holding little Sharpies and saying, “Sign my wing HG!” Or, should that be singe my wing?

    1. mlaclarece says:

      I doubt we’ll be confused either. No worries! Welcome to the site!

      1. cStarling says:

        Changed my screen name to cStarling just in case!

  15. twinkletoes says:

    You also brought up a good point, H.G: I do not know if he genuinely experienced injury/obsession upon being dumped in the seduction phase OR if was merely all a ploy for attention?

    How do I conduct myself, H.G, in a way that accomplishes my aim? Do you even think such an aim is possible? I (think) I need to respond in a manner which extends the hoover duration and causes him to restart the seduction phase.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you want to extend the hoover then it is easy enough. Contact him, express remorse for your actions and reinforce his brilliance and he will start the seduction again.

      1. twinkletoes says:

        I tried that in October via email (and got no response). Also silence after accepting his app request (Dec)…am I wrong to think he has to come to me? Not sure how to draw the little tub o’lard out…I know my social media has knocked down several pillars, but as your book said maybe it wasnt enough to generate the interest to contact. What am I missing here?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What about approaching him in person if you want to draw him out, if that is practical and not going to cause a problem for you?

  16. Clarice Starling says:

    HG, your comment makes me wonder, are Narcissists able to enjoy humor? I can see how you could derive fuel from being the amusing life of the party but would you be able to enjoy watching a funny stand-up comedian? Speaking of comedians, you’ll have to give us your take on Donald Trump sometime.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I enjoy my humour. I can appreciate the humour of others so long as I m fuelled, it is not at my expense and the spotlight is not off me for too long.
      Donald Trump? You ought to read an earlier article that may just give you some insight there. I will let you see if you can find it first.

  17. Clarice Starling says:

    Are these techniques effective with the lesser/mid-range Victim Narcissists or are they more suited to the Elite?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Calrice, all five would wound particularly mid-range and greater, 4&5 also suited to lesser. Somebody is going to sit up and take notice at your handle by the way Clarice!

      1. Clarice Starling says:

        I see what you did there HG (the line is actually, “Good evening, Clarice”, by the way). Thank you for the very informative blog! It’s like looking into the abyss with typos. Looking forward to your next post.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha that made me laugh. I know I should re-read at times but I honestly do not have the time and I think people would rather receive the message and the information and forgive the typos.

      2. mlaclarece says:

        Haha! I’m the original from day one but great minds think alike!

  18. twinkletoes says:

    Would it wound to be dumped in the midst of a GH? No fuel, the person just ghosts your ass….before you are done with them. “The one that got away.” Only then would ex acknowledge fault or remorse.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So the scenario is that we are applying a grand hoover against you. Are you suggesting it works and you come back only to promptly walk away more or less immediately?

      1. twinkletoes says:

        I proved a reliable (though admittedly secondary) source of fuel to his lesser, slovenly, and malignant existence. I also served as a lieutenant (until I became a primary source and all went to hell in a handbasket). You see, H.G, For 12.5 of those 14 years I was his therapist and defender; he’d run to me when in need of comfort (or defense) against a world that proved “unjust.” I had no idea he was a narcissist, however. Most of these issues I attributed to autism (diagnosed).

        The ONLY instance he suffered was when the source (new victim or hoover) discarded HIM before the idealization period was over. He became obsessive about such people, ruminating even years later. In these instances he expressed remorse (“I f***ked up”) self injured and attributed the cause to himself (i.e: ” its not my fault I have medical conditions that cause me to do this!”). Such folk were never devalued, and strangely longed for. He also claimed the fear of rejection prevented him from reaching out. He knew his behavior was bad. Soooo…

        What if I were to accept his hoover attempt, let him seduce and idealize me again….then drop him on his head? No emotion, no fuel…and before he commensed devaluation?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you allowed the seduction to take place and then rejected him prior to devaluation it would wound him considerably because it would amount to an almighty criticism, but be wary of emulating the emotions generated during seduction, some of us can see through that and this would result in your aims being derailed.

  19. revengestar says:

    Those are very childish ways of revenge and i believe they will bring the opposite result since narcissists are like parrots: even negative attention works as positive to them.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello RS, thanks for your view. The key is negative emotional attention. That is fuel. Negative attention, minus the fuel, wounds us. That is why if you call me names but you are shouting and upset, the name-calling does not bother me(I may pretend it does to heighten your emotional state further) as I am gaining fuel. If you insult me in a neutral tone, that is criticism and it wounds me.
      It is an often heard complaint that our kind erupt over “nothing”/ That is because to you it appears as nothing because you may have made a remark or done something mundane, without emotion. To us, because there is no fuelled attached, we perceive the act as criticism. For example, walking in to a room and switching the television off because you thought we were not watching it. There is no emotion in that act. To us though you have criticised us because you have failed to ask if we were watching and therefore you obviously do not regard us as important. This wounds us. Our fury is ignited.
      Thus in the article the absence of emotion in the described acts means they wound. Take it from me, it does.
      Are they childish? Of course. But then I am reliably and repeatedly informed that our behaviour is as a consequence of being stuck as a young child. Do this and you belittle and criticise so that it reminds us of the very thing we do our utmost not be reminded of by creating our masks and facades.
      No emotion = no fuel. Criticism = wound. Infantile reminder = wounds more.

      1. revengestar says:

        This response slays. I am going to do some intensive reading (=stalking) on your blog and comment my thoughts on the matter. I wonder though why would you become a Prometheus narcissisit, betraying his kin to deliver knowledge to the neurotypical masses.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A measured response RS. Prometheus Narcissist, what a brilliant description. I have answered this point before, but it is a valid one and I am happy to do so again. I consider myself the best and therefore it bolsters and reinforces that position by being able to arm “your side” with insight in the ongoing battle with “my side”. I can then watch what unfolds, towering over the chessboard as I see the battle rage and ebb and flow. That excites me. It has no deleterious impact on me, there are far more targets and victims out there than my writing (sadly) will ever reach, so it is not as if I am cutting my own throat by doing this. It is also part of the agreement concerning my treatment and I stand to gain from agreeing to do that, so if “my side” regards me as treacherous, then I am, I get my 30 pieces of silver and they don’t. As with everything, it is all about me.

          1. revengestar says:

            I am going to put this on good use. Although i cannot say my side is the mainstream neurotypical side lol.

      2. Thank you for revealing that…It was very enlightening. It reminds me of when I had told you previously about my bar neighbors who live in backf me that I had the disagreement with when one of them came to my house. So I put up An IP surveillance camera in my back bedroom window which faces my backyard and theirs even though the backyard is shaded with trees its just enough where they can see it and know that it’s there especially when I cut the light on in that room at night which makes it more visible in the window…Which serves as a deterrent to let them know not to come back on my property anymore and if they do the evidence will be used against them. Which has caused them most of the time to leave their back porch light off, when prior to the incident they used to leave their back porch light on more.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  20. luckyotter says:

    Hahaha! I need to try these!

  21. I loved this. Something useful! Subscribing him to Incontinence Aids and Pre Pd Funeral expenses was GREAT. No way to connect the dots. Done and DONE.

    Have another for you…..if they are involved with a company or service industry, it’s very easy to create an anonymous Yelp account (in the U.S. anyway) and write a creative one-star review. Mine was a work of art.

    And to the person that can’t bring themselves to hurt even them, he that has tried to destroy….there is nothing on this earth that you could do to even come close to the damage that they have caused. Like you said, it just puts a little smile on your face.

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      I don’t like to cause pain. That is all. What the f*ck good does it do? I have caused discord because ex disregarded me. He wasn’t smiling when he lost and neither was I. Trust me. His lips did not curl upwards. No one won.

      1. I am sorry for your pain and the wound sounds incredibly raw and fresh. You’re right, 6 months ago I would not have been able to do it either. My Discard took all of 10 seconds of public brutal assault for 7 years of love and loyalty (on my part).

        After being in an incoherent ball on the floor for 6 months – I’m mad. I’m mad as hell. I don’t like to cause harm either and a few humorous emails doesn’t fall into that category for me. It did make me laugh though. My healing takes priority for once in this sick dance we do with the N.

    2. 1jaded1 says:

      Thank you. I spent 13 years with mine, the last 10 were a cf. I haven’t had anything but text contact, four or so in years (but he was in contact with family and that’s their business), the most recent was 6/10 (hence the raw), which I managed to deflect. I’m sorry for your pain as well.

  22. Beautiful Disgrace says:

    H.G., tomorrow is BIG day for me. I go to family court and confront my ex Narc. He has spent the past month launching smear campaigns, finding new sources of fuel, drinking and drugging, while I have maintained no contact, have been keeping my nose clean and quietly compiling evidence. I invaded his privacy, he will never know exactly HOW I got the information that I did, but I was able to obtain a recording and play it for one of the child care workers that are involved due to his allegations that I am an unfit mother. It talks about his drinking, drugging and womanizing and is dripping with untruths. Though the recording will never see court, nor will it ever be mentioned, it has brought his true nature to light and he is walking into a trap tomorrow. He faked his way through a drug and alcohol assessment, probably pissed clean in a cup (his drug of choice only presents in urine for 72 hours) and lied on the stand, stating that he hasn’t used illegal substances in years. My recording has caused the law guardian and the child protective services workers to recommend that the judge order a hair follicle test in court tomorrow. He will be completely blindsided, he has been saying how he has this in the bag, and has convinced his family that he has nothing to worry about, that he is the best role model for our children. When his façade comes crashing down around him in a public forum tomorrow, and I sit there with a stony expression on my face, what do you think I can expect in terms of a reaction from him, possible retaliation, (I am somewhat afraid for my safety, even though this cannot be traced back to me, he is volatile when he is intoxicated, and almost always drinks and drugs to deal with things) and future court proceedings? Any insight that you can offer would be much appreciated. He used to tell me I was the smartest woman he’d ever met in the seduction phase. I guess he should have done a more thorough job devaluing me. 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t insult the judge and storm out of the court room. He will wriggle to begin with, then go on the attack blaming others and if the judge remains against him he will erupt. I suspect that since you have maintained NC so far that he will seek fuel form other sources in the first instance to address the wound you have caused. Whether he connects what happens with you or not, in that instance you wont give him fuel so he will be forced to withdraw and seek it elsewhere. It is the aftermath where he will seek to lash out against you, no doubt accelerated by a drink and drugs binge. Does he know where you live? Do you have any restraining order against him? I think it may be advantageous to forewarn law enforcement in case he comes looking for fuel.
      In terms of future court proceedings I gain the impression he is probably a lesser, maybe mid-range, therefore he will regard the whole thing as a biased conspiracy against him. Expect protestations, no co-operation and rants. If you maintain yournon-emotional position and preserve NC at all other times he will just be digging himself deeper.

      1. Beautiful Disgrace says:

        When I left him, I did have a restraining order in place, but he was able to beat me to getting one. (shocker!) The order I had was a stay away order, while the one he had was for no offensive contact. He told me that so long as I was willing to work things out like adults, he could make it go away. I immediately left, at that point I did not trust myself to not explode on him…which is what I’m presuming he wanted. I intent on expressing to my lawyer the concern for my safety and the safety of my family that I reside with in hopes of having the order reinstated. He has a lengthy criminal history, including discharging firearms in the presence of his ex-wife and the children they have together when she hid the car keys from him, an alcohol and drug fueled outburst. He was arrested and served prison time for that. I wouldn’t put it past him to vandalize the vehicles in the driveway at the very minimum, but he does have a propensity for violence.

      2. Beautiful Disgrace says:

        I should add that because he got his order first, he told the judge that mine was just to get back at him and it was all lies. She vacated both orders at the first hearing.

  23. Evan711 says:

    Hysterical! This thread is making me giggle during a stressful work day….

  24. Laura says:

    Suppose it is anonymous letter addressed to you. Your name is spelt wrong.
    The message says “I know you are a sociopath”. Would that wound you at all? If so would it wound you more than any of your five suggestions?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would wonder why my mother’s post has been sent to me!

      If I was a lesser, assuming I knew what a sociopath was, I would regard this as criticism and it would wound me. How can a regular kind of guy like me be a socio-whatsit? She’s the nutter. There would be an ignition of fury with the consequent lashing out.

      As a greater I would not be wounded as I would not regard it as criticism. I would however try to work out who now knows.

      1. Laura says:

        Thanks HG. How much would it bother you that someone knows?
        The one I am dealing with is actually elderly. If I go with sending the incontinence nappies I would leave them at the front door where all those that pass by can see.
        What about if you got an anonymous letter with a copy of your divorce certificate. The certificate that you thought no one knew about and ultimately proves that you had lied about your divorce and gave the grounds for why your spouse actually divorced you. Would it bother you that someone had checked up on you or would that provide you with fuel?
        Or previous bankruptcy records that you had concealed so well. Would that cause a blow or do you just shrug it off?
        Or proof that you were never a chief state examiner of whatever but in fact were just an ordinary whatever with records of your mediocre qualifications. Would that drive you into a rage?

        I want to make the ultimate blow and push the paranoia into overdrive.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Anything which is delivered without emotion and strikes at our various pillars is savagely wounding. Anything so delivered which fractures our carefully constructed façade is wounding too. It would concern me that someone had checked up on the divorce position and now demonstrated the truth contrary to my assertions. If you waved it at me shouting and ranting of course it would be fuel but in the manner you describe that would wound. As would the other examples. We would be wounded, our fury would ignite and we would need to seek fuel from a source quick sharp.

      2. Sbelle says:

        So then it stands to reason that it is more difficult to wound a lesser than it is a greater. Also less deserved, as they know not what they do.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There are different ways of wounding all types, but I would agree and say that there are more ways to wound the greater owing to the elevation and awareness. As for deserving it, harsh but fair I suppose.

      3. Sbelle says:

        Harder to wound the lesser because they really believe in their bitter hearts that there is nothing wrong with them and that we’re the ones who need reform. Easier to wound the greater since they know they are inhuman and that we’re valid in our response. Worse reaction from the lesser, much like a small child. But no actual cognizance of the fact that we got em good. Frustrating. That’s why I’ve chosen the ‘nothing you do or say causes one half of one feeling to be generated and I’m having a lovely life’ approach. Its hurting him nicely but of course he sees it as more proof of my fucked-up-ness. And it feels yucky to be a giant biatch. But it feels oh so great to be able to see through the haze and finally get back up on my feet after so much chaos. My heart goes out to him but to me more.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well put, apart from suggesting I am inhuman. I am very much in touch with my humanity.

      4. Laura says:

        Thanks HG. That explains why the sociopath I know would calmly sit there and take it when someone exasperatedly told them to shut up in meetings. It was all about how the fuel was delivered.

        You mentioned in your response “strikes at our various pillars”. Can you please expand on this and give a detailed description of what these various pillars are?

        Suppose you were a CEO of a company and you sent out a typical spin doctor email. I then responded to your email calmly pointing out that it was false and misleading. I attached the documented proof of the correct facts. About 40 other people were cc’d in to the email thread. How would you perceive and respond to that?

        When you go into a fury what are your inner thoughts?

        Suppose someone calmly seized control and management of one of your project’s in a meeting. They then went against all you decrees and wishes on how the project was to be managed. What would be your underlying thoughts and emotions in this power shift? Would you calmly wait it out to revengefully strike back at a later date?

        If a certain person knew all about your dark side and your habit of pathologically lying. How would you maintain your charming façade and react when you encounter this person in public?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Laura. For the detail on these pillars do read Revenge, there is too much for me to write about it in response here. The e-mail would ignite my fury. I would just about keep control and seek fuel to close the wound and once done plot how to exact punishment against you.
          When the fury is ignited my thoughts are a maelstrom of the injustice, the need to find fuel, the need to exact punishment, the sheer unfairness of the criticism levelled against me, the audacity of behaving in this manner against me when I’ve done so much for you.
          I wouldn’t allow someone to take control of my projects. That just wouldn’t happen. I would see them coming and head them off.
          As for the final question, I would maintain the facade with ease and if that person tried to counter that I would portray them as awkward, crazy or troublesome. To understand more of what would happen in such circumstances and why it is effective, see Smeared.

  25. 1jaded1 says:

    Some of these are hilarious and infantile. Someone with a non Narc sense of humor might laugh at receiving nappies.

    I couldn’t do any of them out of malice, even to ex. Hurting people makes me hurt.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well indeed they would laugh but you wouldn’t do this to a non-narc, that’s the point. Fair enough if that’s your approach, it isn’t for everyone and as I have often written I offer my perspective to aid your understanding. What you choose to do with it is entirely a matter for you. I acknowledge self-determination.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        I appreciate every word of yours that ive read and learned a lot in a small amount of time.

        My friends have a twisted sense of humor some of which I share. They do facebook hijinx. I won’t do facebook. I don’t understand it. They’ve also delivered nappies to friends as a joke, usually around a milestone birthday and even had someone dress up as grim reaper. The recipient thinks it hilarious. They aren’t narcs and that’s the difference, I guess.

        Will keep these in mind if I change it. Right now NC.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you 1jaded1, yes that is the difference. As I have written and in the book Revenge, revenge (as I class it) is not for everyone. NC is always the best option to deal with our kind but there are further options if appropriate.

  26. Dear Mr HG Cookie Cutter,

    Thank you for taking the time to write for us. In order to show our appreciation I enclose a sample pack of continence pads, they are suitable for people such as yourself who are doubly incontinent.

    I have also arranged for someone to come to your house and inspect your bathroom ready to install your walk in shower.

    I belwice you already reside in a bungalow but if I have this incorrect let me know and I can arrange for someone to fit a stairlift.

    Please be careful not to leave your false teeth out in the bathroom as we find these particularly unsightly.

    We are doing all of this free of charge for now as we know you can’t afford it and we can arrange for one of those high interest loans in order for you to have all the aids you require.

    I trust you will put the door latch on when he calls and make sure you check his ID, can’t be too careful at your age and infirmity.


    From someone much better than you 🙀

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Very good. Unfortunately for you Alexis I know your sense of humour so this made me laugh, but if I received a less over the top version of this letter, perhaps retaining a salutation and one or two of the comments, from someone,it would certainly infuriate me.

      1. One of the MNs children (his favourite) has an unusualish name which is very similar to a very ordinary name. Once I accidentally referred to him by the ordinary name he nearly blew a gasket. That was in devaluation.

        Now I occasionally do this just to infuriate him and add a bit on the end well it sounds so like xxx it may as well be or something or other

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Delivered without emotion no doubt. Another good example of knowing you foe and what matters to him or her and using it at the appropriate time to your advantage.

          1. Always HG, without emotion. Unless it suits my purposes of course.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I beginning to wonder if an application to join our club is being sought here!?

          3. Haha no way HG !!! I have the utmost compassion and warmth for anyone at all who has a kind heart. I used to decide who likes based on whether they were friendly or had the same likes dislikes. Had they ever done anything to upset me.

            Now the small things mean very little to me. It’s all about whether they have a kind heart and conscience or not. If they do, they’re totally safe. If they don’t well…… I’m the smiling assassin !!

            I’m never gonna dance with the devil

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Oh go on, it’s our tune, “Stuck in the Middle With You”

          5. I don’t listen to our tune any more. I prefer my anthum, ‘you might trick me once, I won’t let you trick me twice’

          6. HG Tudor says:

            That record is broken. Er, it is now.

          7. I’m waiting

    2. mlaclarece says:

      Nicely played!

      1. Thanks mla 🙂

    3. Cody says:

      Excellent… except for the walk-in shower. I know what you are getting at (the infirm should not be climbing into a tub!) but I will always remember G’s walk in shower as a wonderland of steamy, soapy delight…

      1. HG Tudor says:

        A tub? Ay up lass fetch us tub will tha? Ahm ‘avin me a soak in t’tub, whilst tha’s oop feed t’whippet unall !!
        Mind you I was entertained by your memory.

      2. Good point Cody – thank you.

        A humiliating bed bath it is for you HG ! And not in a good way 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Now that’s just plain nasty. I’m used to bathing in admiration.

          1. Well things are gonna change around here HG 💋

          2. HG Tudor says:


      3. Cody says:

        Oh honey, don’t even get me started on what we did in the tub…
        Truth be told, act was not exactly consummated there. But the sudsy foreplay? Must go spend some, ah, “alone time” with myself now… 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I was going to write, “keep it clean” but that isn’t going to work is it?

          1. TheFlowerandRock says:

            may not have been that unsettling after all eh?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            A pun v probing analysis. Poles apart.

          3. TheFlowerandRock says:

            Yes, a pun, but surely know I come from underneath at all times. Poles apart – no – fixed right in the flux. Adore.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            A pun and analysis are poles apart. One light-hearted, the other unsettling. I don’t understand, what does “I come from underneath at all times” mean?
            What does “fixed right in the flux” mean please by reference to my comment about being poles apart. I am flummoxed.

          5. TheFlowerandRock says:

            Not necessarily true about a pun and an analysis as being poles apart – the devil is in the words huh. As far as flux – flux is created by the strength of the two fields that it passes through which relates to two different orientations converging. Coming from underneath means that I pull from what is already there, underneath all of the veils.

  27. Leilani says:

    Wow HG, the actions are too close for comfort. So creative ha! Although creatively regarded in one’s illusion, these actions could still be conceived as an act of ‘hoovering’ from the codependent by the narcissist indicating the codependent still provides fuel and unable to move on? Narcissists are savvy and will know hunches. Trust me. Oh of course you do. He/She will eat this up smiling. Afterall, the narcissist already have someone new enjoying the new delicious potent fuel of supply. Your thoughts?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I understand your view point Leilani. If someone did those things to an N, the criticism arising from them obliterates any belief that there is some attempt to reach out by the victim. If you rang me up and said “I miss you”. That tells me I can hoover you at will and gives me fuel.
      If you rang me up and shouted insults at me, that tells me I still have an emotional hold over you and I can hoover. I also get fuel from it.
      If you did those things described or something along those lines, I get no fuel and it is not seen as you reaching out to me, but rather you are wounding me through the criticism and I need to get away from that wounding.I would not regard it as the other person being unable to move on, but rather I would be concerned that this person knows how to wound me, they have gathered strength and they are attacking me in a way which deprives me of fuel and wounds me. I would withdraw, seek fuel elsewhere and stay away from you. You have learned how to wound me and I would not want to risk it happening again. I wouldn’t consider it that you cannot move on.

      1. Leilani says:


      2. So Sad says:

        Alrighty .. The nappies are on the way . Business email subscribed so far to Stannah stair lifts, cataract surgery, incontinence pads & funeral plans . Tena lady for men & life insurance next ..

        Please tell me I’m not doing the wrong thing HG This will be the closure I’ve been so longing for . Thank you again as always .

        So Sad . :)m

        1. HG Tudor says:

          All as outlined, so you are proceeding in an effective fashion.

          1. So Sad says:

            Thank you HG . Am I a pushing it too far with subscribing him to ” impotence UK ” ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            If he is in the US, it is too far!

          3. So Sad says:

            Okay HG thank youuuu x I honestly have no idea

          4. So Sad says:

            OOoo you did it again lol Sooo If he’s in the UK then I can

          5. HG Tudor says:


          6. So Sad says:

            Get on HG !! Ty .. :

          7. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha.

      3. KT says:

        The best revenge for me would be if he wants me back, I play along and then discard him without him seeing it come. How do I achieve that if I am not even being hoovered aaarggh. This is the only thing that will make me feel that we are even now

  28. Sbelle says:

    It’s nice of you to give us some suggestions.. Wait.. No. These would simply provide fuel as they are still attention. Proof that we continue to spend time focusing on you. You would know who died it. Come onnnnn 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No they wouldn’t because there is no emotion attached to them and therefore they are criticisms. That is the key. Strip out the emotion from your attention and it is not fuel. Fuel is not attention Sbelle, fuel is emotional attention. If you stand and speak to me in a neutral fashion, I get no fuel. I want you to be angry with me, upset with, look at me with praise-filled eyes, or a smile of happiness. That is fuel.

      1. Sbelle says:

        Would it not be more effective revenge to be seen going on with our lives with not a care for you? Without ten minutes to waste on you? Because we really truly do have more important things to do? That seems like it would sting way more. No longer angry with you or frustrated. Simply over it. Living well is the best revenge.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Sbelle, indeed. It depends on your classification of revenge. For some people, escaping our grip and staying no contact and thus denying us fuel, is sweet revenge indeed. If that is their perspective on the matter then that is a matter for them. I have written about how the aim is to achieve no contact and then (and this is not for everyone for a variety of reasons) you may decide to embark on a revenge campaign beyond that. I have just classified it in a different way. I don’t class escape and no contact as revenge, but if you do, then that’s totally fine. Often that is as far as you need go (and for some people that is as far as they should go) but for others I have detailed in Revenge there is something further that might be achieved. I do make it extremely clear in Revenge that some people are not cut out for it and very careful consideration ought to be applied before someone embraces it. Ultimately, if you decide that YOUR revenge is moving on and getting on with your life, that is absolutely your choice. I have just offered a different viewpoint to this concept because of what I am.

      2. bethany7337 says:

        For one of us to take the time to do such things, we’d have to be in an destructive emotional state. If we aren’t feeling it…well…we aren’t feeling it and that is cause for celebration. Acts of revenge are silly and pointless. I wouldn’t give such things my energy. How low would I be?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you aren’t as I have written then that is entirely a matter for you. I do know from the experience of others which have been relayed to me that such activities have formed part of their desired response. Some people walk away from a fight, others defend themselves, others retreat and track down the pugilist on another occasion. Others gather allies and retaliate in numbers. It links with other debates doesn’t it? Is it ever appropriate to seek revenge? Some say no, others say yes. Is the aim of prison to punish or rehabilitate? Does that view alter when you are a victim of crime as opposed to when you consider it in a hypothetical state. I know people who adopted an approach of “criminals are disadvantaged and need help not punishment” and their view soon altered when they were burgled or they were assaulted. They moved across to the flog ’em and hang them school of thought. I think the article is best summed up, in accordance with my usual methodology, I am telling you this is how my kind and me would view it. I am not telling anyone to do this. What do you do in response is entirely a matter for you. You regard revenge as stooping low. That is entirely your prerogative. Others may differ in their view. I am not adopting the position of arbiter but rather explaining what our stance is on such matters allowing people to make their own minds up with the fullest of information available.

  29. Yo says:

    I dont agree. What is suggested is: 1) time investment 2) emotions’ investment.

    IT (the creature which was HIM and now is just a defective semi-person) does not worth it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is no emotional investment. That is the whole point. It is not for everyone, some people (as I explain in Revenge) are better suited to sticking to No Contact but I know there are those who want to do something which will infuriate us and can be done from distance. Hence the caveats I included in what I wrote. Of course if you deem it not worth doing, that is entirely a matter for you. It is your choice.

      1. Yo says:

        I think it s a projection. Ur project what u would do.
        But the best revenge is the absence of necessity to revenge coz he is an empty place anymore.

      2. sue says:

        Hi HG – Although you are my nemesis, I have much respect. Thank you!
        I’ve read all your posts and have additional questions on revenge.
        My ex is with his new IPSS. They live in another state.
        I think I understand that a public smearing can work and or be a source of negative fuel.
        Can I flip the script, playing him at his own game? This would consist of lying, denied what I’ve said, love bombing & then devaluing (basic gaslighting)
        If this could work, must I wait until the first hoover. Then if so, what would some tactics be as I imagine they’d be different depending on whether his hoover was abusive or kind.
        thank you kindly.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, that means you remain engaged with the narcissist and furthermore trying to play us at our own game is a bad move. Those who suggest you should mimic our behaviour (other than a silent treatment) are giving you wrong advice.

          1. Sue says:

            Alright thanks.. Was my own silly idea. I’ve been thinking that Itd be way easier and more fun to be your kind. Being an empath is a mirage. The love we think will pour out of us or from another into us is the illusion. With little control on emotions and too much concern for others .. wasted time. Your videos are like taking a motivaltional course!

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