Proxy Music



I have mentioned before how my kind makes frequent use of music. The ability to mirror the music you like, the compilation of play lists which we use on each victim we encounter, the establishment of certain key songs which become inextricably linked with pivotal moments in the development of our relationship. There are songs for the first meeting, first kiss, first time we made love, first birthday, first holiday, first kiss and make-up and so on and so forth. Music is powerful. We use it to create ever presence which enables our subsequent hoovers to be especially effective. We use it to cause sorrow and longing in you post discard. Even if you escape us, the familiar opening of a particular song can transport you back to another time and tear open those wounds which seemed to be closing.

During the seduction we use music to speak for us. It becomes our proxy. I use this by sending a text message with a song title and an artist with nothing else. The recipient will then invariably enter the details into YouTube (if I have not already sent a link) and then listen to the desirable tune and oh so meaningful lyrics. I shall do this several times, firing these musical packages at my target with no other explanation, allowing the love devotee in them to find out the message in the song so that it takes on special significance. By allowing them to make their own connection, rather than explaining it for them, it becomes far more deep-rooted in their psyche.

Eventually the victim will ask why I send these musical links. I explain in hushed tones that the way their predecessor (of if I remain with someone and I am conducting an affair the incumbent) has abused me to such a degree that I find myself incapable of expressing the way I feel. It hurts too much. I have been denied this capacity to express my love, my affection, my feelings for the victim. Instead I must let other speak, or rather sing on my behalf. This is a magnificence move on my part because it has the following effects: –


  1. Music is powerful in terms of evoking emotion. Those sweeping orchestrated arrangements, the visceral throb of the guitar, the tentative piano and so on are all capable of generating immense and intense emotions in you;
  2. Meaningful lyrics resonate especially with your kind. You like to find significance in what people write and say, you enjoy attaching your own interpretation to them and thus song lyrics are a superfast highway to your heart;
  3. The fact I have apparently taken the time and effort to choose such telling pieces of music (I haven’t – I used them on previous victims) means that it has an added resonance for you. How thoughtful I am, how strong must my feelings for you be?
  4. Poor broken me? How tragic for such a wonderful person to lose their capacity to describe how they feel. You want to heal me; you want to be the one who helps me find my voice once more;
  5. When I eventually do speak of how I feel it feels all the more remarkable and special for you. You were the one who helped me, such a joyous event!
  6. It establishes an expectation in you to receive songs and therefore you look forward to them and this expectation is harnessed to make our bond even more special and deep;
  7. This expectation also allows us to take it away, rubbish those special songs at the later devaluation for maximum hurt and effect;
  8. It causes you to want to respond in kind and therefore we gain fuel by you selecting beautiful and meaningful songs in order to reciprocate how you feel about us. This provides us with fuel;
  9. For the lesser and mid-range of our kind, their lack of higher function and the capacity to device marvellous sentences of seduction is catered for. They can just steal somebody else’s eloquence and in effect claim it as their own;
  10. For all our kind, utilising the words and music of others save us time and energy and we are always keen to do that.


Accordingly, the use of music to speak for us is a powerful tool indeed and I daresay it has been used most effectively where you are concerned.


61 thoughts on “Proxy Music”

  1. Wow. Your most recent post regarding music as bait led me here. Seemingly, just as the cognitive dissonance begins to set in once more and I find myself questioning my previous entanglement with your kind -you will post something which resonates deeply. I am grateful for that. Your truth essentially keeps me safe.
    Much appreciated, HG.

  2. HG, I wish you’d have a music post.
    Like a sticky.

    I had a trigger moment tonight..
    Obsessive all consuming love, if I was to die now, I know I’ve felt it, tasted it and was consumed by it. Love with an intensity so intoxicating I thought about him every minute of every hour. He was my life, my muse, my Achilles heel, my weakness, my addiction, my kryptonite. He awoke my repressed goddess. He mesmerised me like a snake slithering seductively. Fuck! I’ve never wanted someone so much. Everybody is so bland compared to him … and yet… he’s so dangerous. That was definitely part of the allure. Fuck me or kill me, I was never quite sure.

    I’m fucked in the head for being attracted to that!!!

    1. Presque Vu
      You are not fucked in the head. You are addicted and addictions can be treated. Looking for help and coming here was a great first step. Next, you should read Exorcism and consult with HG, and then formulate and follow a concrete plan for yourself that may include any other types of therapies and/or healing that you think might be beneficial. This will not only confirm that you are not fucked in the head, but also fill some of the time you are now dedicating to analyzing him and what happened instead of getting yourself back on track. Think more along the lines of what you would suggest to map out a plan for a loved one who is addicted to drugs and then take your own advice.

      You can do this.

      1. NA, you always cut through and get straight to the point. I respect that thank you.

        I haven’t consulted yet with HG, for financial reasons but also because I know I’ve been tangled with someone just like him! Not just a narc, more …so I know HG’s power only too well. I have a fear. It doesn’t help I now suffer from anxiety! I keep putting it off, running away from Tudor I guess.

        I can do it, you are right.
        I’ll soon find out if I’m fucked in the head when I consult with HG.

        NA, thanks for reaching out when I’m spinning all over the place! 😘


    London grammar


    Love is burning by my bed for you!

    The more time I’m away from him, the more I crave him ✋️

    I don’t want this, or to think of him.

    I will not reach out but he’s become a stain on my memories, I truly loved him and as much as I needed air, to breath and to live, I needed him to survive.

    Now, without him, I’m still here, living.. breathing.. singing… I let go. In the physical sense. But I’m still haunted by his presence.

    How do you rid your dreams of nightmares, how?

  4. I launched the No Contact 2 weeks ago. He is sending music via friend. So far the song list is Spanish Harlem, Nothing Compare to You (Sinead O’Connor ), With or Without You (U2) , Every Breath You Take (Sting), Heart of Glass (Blondie).

      1. Well, I must admit I find the use of music bloody brilliant. My ex did it oh so well… the songs were sent to me ad nauseum in the beginning, but the true brilliance began when he’d mention his ex girlfriend introduced him to ‘our’ song originally. The real question is what woman does this stuff work on? Not the music… that I get, but why does any woman stay once the devaluation begins. My memories with my ex narc are beautiful. He was perfect in every way until he had the audacity to compare me to his exes. I had to end it then and there. It was so boring and predictable. And when I hear the songs he sent they make me smile, one, because I remember how great it felt when we were ‘perfect ‘ and two because I know he’s using the exact same songs on someone else and it amuses my sense of whimsy… A narcissist can only devalue a person if they allow it…

  5. Lol
    Clare and HG that made me LOL. Oh should I learn to be… oh so good. I believe a ton of folks in my life would hate you for the change in me! I would really love to see the 2 of you in a room together. That would be better then a Clinton/Trump debate! Neither knowing the other! Great learning video for the single!
    I think that’s a song to:
    Games People Play

    1. T and I have pitched #TeamTudor2016 for Las Vegas…then you can see me banter with the Master. If he’d show up…

  6. This one I felt deeply, yes the playlists the first song he sent me, a constant theme through relationship, always sending it to me, Band of Horses, No ones gonna love you..take a listen if you will. It will be the one that makes me always think of him, it is engrained in my mind and heart now,
    He wouldn’t have me search for songs, he would send link and also posts videos to my fb wall. He would make me compilation CDs, send me CDs of music we both love. Music was our bonding point from the beginning. He is highly knowledgeable on all things relating to music.
    I think he allowed music to speak to me, not for him.he was aware that I feel music deeply and I am In Tuned to lyric and feeling being expressed through each song choice.
    Music is a most powerful expression and seduction tool.
    HG, perfect article, thank you. By the way, what song have you sent your victims the most? One that you feel embodies the heart of the empath. To hone in on her sense of love and then your sense of desire.

    1. You are welcome.

      There isn’t a stand out song which I use more than any other, there is a selection which I have detailed in my earlier writings which you can peruse at your leisure, perhaps whilst you play some of them.
      I also find certain orchestrated pieces evoke emotion particularly well also.

      1. Can you point me in the right direction of which writings? Yes, I agree there are several classical pieces that stir my soul.

      2. Interesting, I like all those songs very much, I see why you have chosen them. I do not know one, Promise Me by Beverly Craven. I must be a cliche for a certain music type. How disheartening. My three faves from that compilation are : Your Song( I am quite partial to the Ewan Mc Gregor version from Moulin Rouge) Annie’s Song and I’ll Stand By You. I quite enjoy the Pretenders, I Go to you know that song?

      3. If I can make a suggestion to add to your playlist, Beautiful Child by Fleetwood Mac. I think it would fit nicely with songs you have chosen. just a thought and on that note, I am away.

      4. Damnit, the Promsie Me song made me cry. I knew I shouldn’t have Listened to it. Then it made me think of Promises in the Dark by Brenda Russell, which I felt compelled to listen to. Music makes me quite sentimental. I did ask for it. Didn’t I ? Time for a bubble bath and read now, I think.

  7. I am worring that the guy i like tells me too much compliments. Like whatever i say he can react ” u r brilliant, smart bla bla”.
    I really observing what he communicates to me when we spend time together. I am afraid it s love bombing has started..

    We know each other since April but i was careful with him and didnt “fall into his arms” quickly hehhe
    Actually i fell, but i discovered his … tool looked like small. So i just lost any interest. (Now i always check the size hehhe before starting being emotionally involved).

    May be it played the role. Coz recently i double checked and it seems to be average size so i decided: ok. Lets try and see)).

    And now all talks are about: either how great I am (amazing funny beautiful smary etc) or about his success at work.

    Ppl. I really dont know. Better to say: not able to understand WHO IS HE.

    I am observing and observing.. but also it s difficult coz near him i almost cannot think.

    May be he is bad in sex ( still pending to check hehhe) snd in this case there is no problem coz he will not exist for me.

    I am really afraid to fall inlove with a defective person again..

  8. Actually now, whatever the guy i like is doing, e.g. “we need to have our song”, ” when we go for travelling together”, “we need to speak about our life, us”…

    All this is a total read flag for me, including any sweet name he calls me or loving glance he gave me… is a red flag for me..

    So every second with him i am thinking ” do i hug a guy who likes me or a monster who is enthusiastic to eat me”

    How did u overcome it?

    All, all is a total red flag…

    1. As mentioned before Yo, you need to look at the collective. Are there lots of these red flags in a short period? If so, there is a problem. One or two don’t necessarily mean there is a problem.

      1. Short period… with Narc…
        Hehhe after ur article about Narc’s patience…
        Hahha and ability to prepare/ mantain new prospects in the pipeline…

        Short term cobcept stopped existing for coz u never know, may be i am just jn a pipeli e and love bombing simly havent started..

        Yes. With this guy there were red flags. One 9f them: his ex (psychologist per profession) agter relationship with him goes to psychotherapist 🤓😨😨😉 and takes pills

        I feel i risk a lot…
        But.. what is a probability to meet 2 NARCs just 1 after another..

        Should be low

  9. Do normal guys (no narcs) use songs as well?
    The guy i like commented today that we need to have our song, our dish, our restaurant, our …

    Reading this blog i started having an impression that all these things is a weapon of narcs.

    But stop for a second! Could it be that a guy just want to have it with me and he is not a narc..


  10. I have been trying to put myself in the shoes of a Narc. The concept of me being an appliance for fuel has been a very hard concept to wrap my head around. Until….

    28 days into no contact I started seeing songs about it being the final count down and was never going to be with him again and so on. I guess I had a 30 day warranty.
    Funny thing is after 30 days I am still here. I didn’t break down. So he is starting to try and discard me again in these now 60 days. In a few days the playlist may be vanished. Will he leave it linger forever or finally move on? Who knows!

  11. Beautiful, powerful post. Indeed, music is a language more powerful than spoken words. It speaks across language and geographical boundaries. HG, I hope one day you can use music to help you discover your own buried feelings instead of a tool to evoke emotions in others for various kinds of fuel.

  12. So very true…I can’t get that last song out of my head. I played it 5 times in a row. Maybe I just like the instrumentals. The song is called unfortunate. He sent that and other just as you mentioned. Title and artist during hoover. “I guess it is unfortunate that I didn’t believe in him. And now he’s gone and I will never get him back, funny how our train never got off the track. Now I am went someone who don’t care and I know who use to care about me. :)” Wow…sad

  13. This is where I believe a Narc would hit a wall with me. Thanks to my first husband and being on polar ends of the types of music we enjoyed, I really phased out and became detached to music. During the early years of my marriage, when I still tried to listen to my favorite radio channels or cd’s, I would always hear how my music was meaningless, i.e. R.E.M. vs. Madonna. Wilco vs. Depeche Mode. I finally gave up and just let him own the music arena so to speak to make him happy. In fact he would only indulge me if we were on long driving trips together and we’d take turns driving. I made a “rule” whoever is driving has control over the radio and he seemed fine with that. Once in a while he’d have a band that I could enjoy (tolerate) like The Killers. But I got very good at getting in a zone and just tuning it out. I listened to so much Jimmy Buffet in my 20’s. I appreciate he’s a great performer and great to his fans but My God, his music is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I seriously remember having a girl friend over shortly after we separated and i had to the house to myself and feeling such elation that I could play whatever music I wanted without hearing how much it sucked.
    I did have one online potential guy to date, start texting me songs thru You Tube videos. I found it corny and annoying. That move will get you no where with me. You’re better off waiting to discard me and start blasting Jimmy Buffet. haha
    The only artist who has really impressed me in recent years, is Eminem. His lyrics are insanely genius, especially on “Recovery” which I listened to every morning during my workout for about two years while going thru my divorce and right after. Not a really a rap fan in general but Eminem gets me and my rage and it was a great way to channel it and isolate it in the mornings during that time. It is on my bucket list to see him in concert one day. I have one other girlfriend who is a total closet fan of his like me and he’s her celebrity crush too. We’ll go together.

    1. I can’t resist such measures. They work on me, music and poetry are my weaknesses, he utilized both very well upon me. I love being sent YouTube songs, especially when I find meaning in them myself.
      It is so much easier when couples share same music tastes, makes. Car drive more palatable too.
      Emminen has some great empowering lyrics. Hope you can see him In concert , MLA.

      1. Awww, that’s ok. The minute a guy would send poetry or a YouTube love song, they will get a one word text “stop”. Lol I just don’t even know what to do with that. It seems too cheezy for me. Use your words and make me laugh. Much simpler.

      2. Clarece, before I headed out for dinner a book fell on my head. I have only my shelf to blame.
        I thankyou.

      3. Since you jumped into your funny pants again today, here is one of my favorite jokes for you.
        Q. What does a poor Irishman get when he has a 7-course dinner?

        A. A six-pack & a baked potato.

        Btw, you also have an entertaining email awaiting you…

    2. I think I am too romantically sappy for my own good. I also adore humour, a sarcastic and cleverly punny man is my most favorite. Music, words, laughter and intelligence. Plus, Any man who will read to me and allow me to read to him, can steal my heart. No wonder he locked his sights onto me. I qualify under far too many narcissistic victim categories. Must laugh and read less, no chance of that though.

      1. Intelligence and confidence are always a lethal combo for me. Just take out all the sappy stuff. Lol

      2. I hear you MLA…it has not served me well by any measure. Yes, confidence is a wonderful quality in a man. I do not like cowardly men at all or A man who cannot make a decision.

  14. Your title makes me think of Roxy Music and the song – “For Your Pleasure” 1973

    For your pleasure
    In our present state
    Part false part true
    Like anything
    We present ourselves
    The words we use tumble
    All over your shoulder
    Gravel hard and loose …

    Yes, music and sweet lyrics was the key to my heart. I thought he had suffered so much. And, I fell for it. And him. He hooked me with the music.

    Excellent post, HG. As usual.

  15. The Title on this post is best but the perception is the matter. The chase for fuel to supply is inevitable. The last contents in the last paragraph of a narcissist is the triggering in a sense of seeking approval, control, security, separation and oneness. Taking any sense that it’s personal, it’s about him/her and who they are.. this post is a must to read and reflect inside oneself head on regardless of which end of the spectrum one perceives to be in and how one perceives where his/her truth lies.. internal or external. Triggering, HG.

  16. This fascinates me. Maybe because I am 6 weeks out of no contact. I am watching playlist being triangulated with made up false screen names. The amount of effort and work put into trying to Hoover me back in is even exhausting for me. The elaborate game of using every tool he can comes from a playlist. Music has been extremely important to him his whole life. I actually believe it’s the only way he can speak any loving words. The clincher is he doesn’t even no if I see the songs on 7 fictitious accounts. All stating the similar songs but all having that one meaningful one so he hopes I no its him.
    Watching the game has been better then any pro sport.
    he continues to let me know He wants to break me. Lol. Long wait. What I find so interesting is the fact he actually thinks I will want him back when I no there is going to be a much bigger rath for leaving in the first place. If I didn’t no better and have been educated by you, I would have easily been hovered back in. Just when my hair was starting to grow back in!!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.