What You Swore Before

 

 

 

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.

By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

 

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28 thoughts on “What You Swore Before”

  1. Your kind does make it most irresistible. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t been in contact forever. My little kid self promised never again. Trust was broken. Soul was taken. Heart and empathy remains. What a hybrid.

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  2. And this is something that I simply cannot fathom or relate to at all – the desire to heal, change, and/or fix someone.

    I know many empaths and they all think or feel the same thing – that they can change a mind, a heart, a soul. That with enough love, patience, compassion and empathy, the hardest of hearts can be made soft and mushy again. The coldest of stares can melt and become warm again. The emptiest of souls can be filled up again.

    This method of thinking will ultimately lead the empathy to doom and disappointment because, while some may be able to change, others simply can`t be changed or don`t want to be changed. The empath will drive him or herself mad trying to save a soul when the reality is, some souls are either too far gone to be saved, or don`t want to be saved in the first place.

    I am able to accept people for who and what they are. Some of my friends are jerks and they will likely always be jerks. I`m okay with that. Some of friends drink, swear and carry on too much. I`m okay with that. Some of my friends cheat on their spouses. I`m okay with that. The list goes on and on.

    I am not out to change anyone. I may not always agree with or like the things the people in my life say or do, but I am in no way interested in attempting to change them “for the better” or encourage them to think or act differently. They are who they are and I am willing and able to accept them for all their strengths AND weaknesses.

    If a person wants to change, then that person will change. But if not, no amount of begging, pleasing, unconditional love, compassion, etc is going to bring about that miracle you’re so desperately hoping to create.

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      1. I understand absolutely, HG, and while I know how vital these traits and characteristics are for your kind and would never wish for it to cease because of that, I can’t help but express my disdain for it.

        And this is why I get angry when people cry victim, which is something I get harassed about in this space often.

        If you’re going to devote your life to trying to change people who don’t want to change in a world that doesn’t want to change, how can you be surprised when you end up hurt, abused and eventually discarded.

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    1. Sometimes you dont want to change the person. You want to be loved back by fullfilling the void you feel in the other. Its not always about changing someone.

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      1. Interesting point, Nikita, though I don`t really understand. I mean, how can you crave love from someone who clearly can`t or won`t love you back? What forces you to keep trying with that person (until of course, you realize you can`t try anymore because it`s pointless).

        Isn`t it the hope that the person will change and be able to love you the way you want them to love you?

        I am not being argumentative, I am trying to understand.

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      2. You know just like Narcissits have their way of viewing life, codependants have their ways, empaths have their ways and add to this your own personal experiences and emotional baggage you bring…… so its pretty complex to explain. Not that I dont want… hope you understand me.

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      1. Sorry I am not underanding anything. I dont have any blog nor will I ever have one LOL. My profile is deleted yes because I dont know how to undelete it. I deleted by mistake..
        You will have to explain yourself better.

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  3. Hi BH
    I cant reply directly to your message somehow it comes below but i understand that you try to understand 😃 But my message was mainly that your not trying to change the person. Making someoje love you back or expecting love back is not changing someone or wanting to change somebody.
    As for your questiom to why crave this..
    I cant explaint it. It runs too deep but if you want you can take the answer from revenge star.

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  4. So much to be said… in the article, albeit a lot of it is accurate. However, I notice that some of the comments on how the ‘victim’ or ’empath’ thinks is very inaccurate. It jumped out at me, especially the “entitled to… him” empaths don’t feel entitled. Narcissists do. I suppose it’s not easy to really grasp the full internal nature of one, if you are not one.

    I’d counter the entire part about (not for all) them wanting to get the narcissist back. Rather the intense pain, of being easily discarded and replaced causes so much emotional pain… if and when the narccissist ‘comes back’, is where you see the ” never again”, cycle start as ‘again’. Because once the empath/victim or whatever we want to call them is not giving any sort of narcissistic supply, the narcissist will need that back.

    On comment to another poster… about empaths or ‘victims’ wanting to change people. They are well aware they can’t change you.

    Rather, they hold on dearly to the ‘best time/love’ of their life, in the past of course to only want to get back to that. Until they realize, hopefully, it wasn’t really real. It was real, in the sense of experience, but it wasn’t in what it was ‘supposed to be’.

    Narcissists are culpuble to the art of their acts, and creating ‘victims’, so what do you expect? 🙂

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