The Post Discard Battles – The Final Battle

 

 

When you have been discarded, you face three battles in order to secure your freedom. The first is the Emotional Battle which you always lose until you learn not fight it. The second is the Heart V Head Battle which must be fought many times until you finally overcome the powerful effects of emotion and allow your cool, hard logic to dictate. Once that battle has been won, you have managed to navigate a way through the emotional ocean and then you have reached dry land on the other side. This is where the third battle is joined. This dry land provides you with a firmer foundation and just like the discovery of the New World, boundless opportunities. You are no longer prone to the vagaries of the swelling and dramatic ocean of emotions. That is not to say that your emotions have been switched off. Far from it. Instead, the solidity of this land is a reflection of the greater control you now have over your emotions as you ally them with the logic that you have regained. No longer do you feel overwhelmed. You are not beset by anxiety. Fear does not maintain a near permanent grip on your stomach. You were repeatedly drowned as you tried to swim the emotional ocean alone in the first battle. You saw yourself swamped and capsized on numerous occasions as reach time you increased your intellect and understanding as you built larger and more seaworthy vessels until finally you navigated your war through that broiling sea of feelings and now you stand on firm, dry and solid land. Your critical thinking has increased, your sense of calm has bloomed and you have gained greater control.

     You stand before a land of opportunities and this is where you are now able to make the decisions. In the previous two battles you were overwhelmed and then often on the back foot. Here, in this final battle, you have the opportunity to seize and maintain the upper hand. You have so many choices available to you now.

     You may decide to build a large tower and secrete yourself inside. You have the sturdy foundation now on which to construct this edifice. You are safe and secure high up in this tower. You admit visitors but only those that you know can be trusted. Occasionally you hear a knock in the dead of night. You make your way to the balcony and look down from your towering height to see us stood outside knocking on the door and seeking admittance. You may feel the surge of those emotions once more but you have greater control now. You may call out and wave, issuing a polite greeting and no more. You may decide just to turn around and leave us to our ineffectual knocking. Either way in this battle you have seized control and you are far better equipped to make rational decisions which suit you and prevent you from being wholly governed by those turbulent emotions.

     You may decide to forge ahead and seek out new adventures in this land. You meet new people and form fresh and lasting friendships, perhaps even finding someone with whom you can share intimacy and romance. As you trek through this land, gathering new friends and revisiting those who were conned into severing the ties with you, you remain vigilant for out of nowhere we might appear. We might strike, lurching through a crowd hurling insults. You are better armed this time and able to shield yourself before moving away, refusing to be drawn into responding and a war of words like you once might have done. It may be the case, as you embrace these new horizons that we appear, smiling and benign, sidling up to you and taking you by surprise. The risk always remains, for if you are abroad within this new land, you cannot place yourself behind sturdy defences. Thus, you remain exposed to ambush and approach. You remain better equipped than you were, as a consequence of your gathered learning, your increased understanding and ongoing recovery. You are in a better position to rebuff the ambush, refusing to engage and making your departure to safer ground. Sometimes you may be caught and those emotions wash about you as we try to haul you back across the sea to a time when you were alone and going under the lashing waves. This risk always remains.

     You may opt to establish an estate where you do not take refuge in some tower, but instead you create a place of familiarity where everyone is known to you and you are known to them. You have your supporters in clear view and whilst you may not tread down the path less travelled in search of new territories you reduce your risk of us appearing out of nowhere. These familiar places enable you to maintain clear lines of sight so that if we do make an appearance you are able to take suitable evasive action.

     This final battle takes the form of repeated skirmishes as we seek to catch you unawares and drag you back to an earlier battle where our prospects of success are maximised. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes one of our devious ploys catches you unaware and we scale your tower and appear on your balcony like that once desired Prince Charming again and your defences are breached. Other times you repel our approaches, turning your back or cutting us down with new learned techniques which force us to withdraw. You may see no action for weeks, months and even years as new reaches you that we are fighting on other fronts, seemingly content to leave you be. At least for the time being. Then out of nowhere you may reduce your vigilance and we are by your side, seeking to snake our tendrils around you once again. In this final battle you now know what to look for. When we march on to the battle field you see and take heed of the red flags which stream behind us. You have learned methods by which you can counter and neutralise our manipulations. You have established safe territories to which you might retreat if the need arises. You have fashioned your own armoury in this new land of hope and promise. You now know how you can wound us and now, exerting greater control, you do so which gives us no option but to disengage from the skirmish and skulk away to lick our wounds and regroup.

This final battle takes place in a land where the battlefield, for the first time, is more of your choosing than ours. You have better equipped to fight this battle and whilst there remains a risk of defeat and you being ensnared once again, it is far less than in the previous two battles. You are battle-hardened and those scars are worn as badges of honour as you stand tall for the first time in, well, you cannot recall when that last happened, but it has happened at last.

     Thus, this is the final battle post discard. The battle that takes place on dry land. Should you overcome the first two battles, this is where you will find yourself. Now you understand where you will end up as you deal with the fallout from being discarded. Now you are aware of what will happen, what to expect and how you are in a better position to keep winning the skirmishes in this final battle. This only leaves one question remaining. How long will this final battle last?

It will continue until one of us no longer lives.

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47 thoughts on “The Post Discard Battles – The Final Battle”

  1. Beautifully written, HG…..

    At last I am here…..it took a total of 10 months from discard to The Final Battle…

    I won’t ever go back, give him fuel, or give him any more space in my thoughts….

    I can honestly say that although he won these battles…I WON THE WAR!

    Thanks, HG….I couldn’t have done it without you!!!

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  2. I’m in my tower & my mother is in hers…it’s a “my tower is bigger than yours” sort of thing. I build a moat, she builds a moat, and so on and so forth.

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    1. I anticipate that you and your mother are like the two protagonists in Lucky Number Slevin – glowering at one another from their respective fortresses across the way!

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      1. We glare, we occasionally take pot shots at each other. And while I’m not a rabbi, people call my mother the boss, and there can only be one boss.

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  3. I’ve survived this battle so far HG. I would never underestimate his battle skills. I know he is and always will be a strong contender.

    How many people do you think reach the final battle ?

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    1. Good question. Everyone faces the first battle. Nearly all will then reach the second battle where I think a number become stuck going round and round never truly getting away. A sizeable number I should think will get to the third battle although it will take quite a long time for them to do so.

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      1. Guessing that most of us find your blog either when transitioning from Emotional to HeadVHeart Battle (the quest to find answers marks the transition) or in the early rounds of HVH. I am firmly in the HVH stage but not yet strong enough to move to the final round. Will stay here until I do, IF I do, if I CAN! (Codependents especially bad at fighting these fights. Which is why you seek us out and pull out all the stops to never let us go…)

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      2. Thanks HG. I think realised fairly quickly because I’d suffered at the hands of many female Ns. Although I did not know they were Ns until after the MN.

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      3. I’m not sure if I’m still in 2nd battle territory or reaching final battle on land. JN reached out thru email claiming he does not have my number and I can text him. He claims that he’s had two phones and 3 factory resets in the last month and possibly Apple deleted it? All lies and jibberish, which I called him on that. He said it appears we’re at a “dead end” then if I won’t text him. I told him a dead end happened last 4th of July (major incident then) and it took me a long time to realize it.
        He has left it for me to text him if I want to and not “read too much into this”. So smug as ever. He’s so confident I’ll cave and text.
        Old me, even last winter, probably would have and texted even if it was something snarky so I’d know for sure my number was still in his phone.
        Today, I rather like that I know he wants my number back (or if he does still have it because we all know Apple does not delete contacts on its own) and I have something he wants that he’s not going to get. I was matter-of-fact with my answers and brief. Very little if any emotion was attached. I’m fine if he got a brief dose of fuel by my responding at all. He should miss my fuel. He was nothing short of stupid for letting it slip away.
        It is also freeing because it sets the tone by him, that I now can feel relieved that I won’t get that unexpected text from him out of nowhere. I know thru H.G. any contact from him at this point is driven as a malign hoover. There is no sentimentality or caring, which saddens me but I know not to try to search for it again. So I closed off a channel today. I have the upper hand not texting him. Ihope as he watches his phone throughout the next day expecting my usual response of a text to come thru, the silence wounds him.

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  4. It has been a long trek, but I finally made it to the shore… I had hoped that once I began to regain myself, the battles would be over. My narc continues to attempt contact with me. Even though there is no response from me, the nightmares return with each attempt. I had hopes that he would eventually give up; understand that there is nothing more for him here. I’m saddened to learn that the death of one of us will be the only way for these attempts to finally end, but hopeful that as I continue to heal, the nightmares will fade…

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  5. ”It will continue until one of us no longer lives.”
    I always say battle with narcomom will only end with one of us dying (hint: not me) and people look at me like i am an orc who just came out of a spaceship and complains about the traffic.
    THANKS FOR THIS VALIDATION
    ^(;,;)^

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  6. And the one thing you can always count on, is that there is always a reason to start another battle.

    Always new territory to invade and conquer (the most fun part in my view); new treaties to sign and break, then sign and break again; new foes to vanquish; new kingdoms to rule.

    One battle ends and another begins. It is the story of our lives.

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  7. The bloodiest battle was fighting myself. It remains a puzzle as to whether the foe was Head or Heart. Self deception, fear and illusion dwell in the mind. The organic organic longing for truth and freedom from these things burn from the heart. The mind…not the heart…appears to be the obstacle to overcome. The mind says we love him, the heart knows better.

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  8. You just described the last four years of my life. Thank you for this. Not only is it my exhusband, but my mother and siblings and I finally faced the truth of who my boyfriend was also.
    One question. Does it never really end?

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    1. Hello Pantsmom, seems like our kind is all around you. No it does not end from our perspective, it can end from yours by achieving no contact and staying our of our sphere of influence.

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  9. Perfect timing! Another hoover after 2 months no contact… AND I am happy to report the attempt did not cause me anxiety or guilt! BUT- I did notice an urge to respond… Stupid NO CONTACT seems such an empty “win” because I know, he will still “spin” even my lack of reaction to whatever he needs it to be. So- a well timed post reminds me that I want to win the last battle… even if it does feel like a hollow victory.

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    1. Hello Lynn, of course he will spin the lack of response as part of his smearing of you and that is why we look to secure a win outcome when it might be regarded as you have succeeded. We cannot accept you winning in any way because this attacks our control. It will only seem like a hollow victory if you regard it from our perspective. If you look at it from your own perspective if you maintain no contact and get on with your life by escaping us and keeping us at bay then you have secured an important victory for yourself.

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      1. Yes thank you for your insight. My perspective adjusted…This blog and the people and their sharing here renews my strength and hope

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    2. “Stupid No Contact”. I know! I too had a mini-Hoover attempt this past week. Not responding makes me feel like I’m sanctioning all the times I got a silent treatment from him. I find ST’s one of the worst forms of mental cruelty and dehumanizing someone.

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      1. Agreed… I know and they do see it that way when we do it to them- and that pulls at me. BUT comparing intent- When I implement no contact it is saving/protecting my soul. I have to focus on that… His intent of ST was to punish. Will keep this at the forefront no matter how many emails from different accounts are sent

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  10. Thank you for this. As I’m currently being hoovered yet again, you are providing strength to resist. You are my hero right now. It is troubling that he and I are dancing until one of us dies. Til death do us part and there wasn’t even a ceremony. My mind is still trying to wrap itself around that one. Thank you HG.

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  11. Wow a great post again and again. I am amazed every day with your skills to put the emotions in a story even from the codependant side.
    Again word by word. I was not discarded but went exactly through the same battles and find myself now in the third one.
    Looking forward to a not easy new love adventure but one that I feel deep in my heart and my sould and my body and everywhere <3 <3 <3.
    I wish the same to all of the readers that are in this phase of the battle.. that even if with lots of scars, they free themselves from the bitterness that could have stayed and find new air, and a new beginning.
    That is all in our hands in in our minds to start again and again and try again with all we have because that is life.
    One thing ! Its going to be easier no matter what relationship we have, thanks to the best blogger, blogger land has, one that could put emotions in words, make them easy enough that we could all understand what had happened.
    Thank you HG. <3 <3 <3 for ever.

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  12. So… what kind of post-discard battle between GB and the EU expect?

    Or between GB – Scotland- Northern-Island?

    Are we just witnessing The Rise And Fall Of A Narcissistic Nation?

    You have my sympathy though, but maybe that’s another display of co-dependent behaviour, and a sharp cut with limited contact is really the better way to go here…?

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    1. I actually do not think that there is going to be a battle between the UK and the EU. The UK is not turning its back on Europe. It will still trade, people from the UK will work in Europe and vice versa, there will still be co-operation in terms of the military and crime-fighting. I actually think that the outcome of the EU referendum was not so much about Europe but more about many people in England and Wales sticking two fingers up at the political elite. There is a significant disconnect between the London-centric approach of successive governments and the regions in England. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland have voices through devolution and their own assemblies. People in Cornwall or Northern England or the Midlands do not. That is why NI, Scotland and the bulk of London wanted to remain in the EU and nearly everywhere else voted (in some instances by considerable majorities – eg 75% in Boston in East Anglia) to leave. Too much of the decision-making was done on an emotional basis (the NHS being over-stretched by immigrants, immigrants taking jobs/abusing benefits, not wanting to be “controlled” by a different country – all of which when forensically examined and assessed with empirical evidence are not borne out) rather than making a decision based on the facts.
      I actually think that the law of unintended consequence will apply repeatedly following this result. The leave vote was by a fine margin 51.8% vs 48.2%. Indeed, the actual number who voted leave out of those eligible to vote was only 35%. It was not a resounding victory. I think Scotland will vote for independence. Northern Ireland may join Ireland but I think that is less likely. There will be calls for referenda in other European countries.
      Wales has already realised that it needs more funding when it loses EU funding, but of course those who voted leave in Wales did not bother to work that out before casting their votes.
      David Cameron resigned. It is likely that the demagogue Boris Johnson will be elected as prime minister. He will move the country to the right because the opposing Labour party is in disarray (indeed they must shoulder some of the blame for an ineffectual remain campaign). Johnson will have a cabinet of Eurosceptics and any pro-Europeans will be put to the metaphorical sword. When you win the revolution you do not spare your defeated opponent. The government will be even more London-centric and with a south-eastern England bias which does not augur well for the North of England.
      Those who voted leave have got their wishes but they will soon find they will get more than they bargained for.

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      1. HG,

        Thanks a lot for your in-depth analysis and the background that you provide in it! Very interesting and insightful indeed. A week after the fact, and I agree whole-heartedly on all points; except that we now know that Johnson backed away from responsability, in true narc fashion (?) What a coward! No sense of duty whatsoever. For him, it was and still is about himself and only about himself, his illusion of grandeur. So he thinks he´s clever, huh? He doesn´t want to get burnt, he thinks he meant for higher tasks? I hope that the people in GB will be wise enough not to fall for that. Of course, Cameron hasn´t played a much better role either, albeit in a more covert way.

        And the EU?
        The EU, after idealisation and divalue, is now facing the pain of discard.

        I work in international affairs and travel to Brussels on a regular basis, although the entitiy I work for does not have an office there, for it is anchored in academia and non-lobbyist by structure, nature or intent. This is something I cherish about my job! This month, I was in Brussels twice: shortly before the BREXIT-decision, and shortly afterwards (last Wednesday, during the `informal summit´.) After the meeting, I had lunch with several representatives from one of the very influencial Directorate-Generals. Even among those `Eurocrats´, opinions varied strongly as to whether the remaining 27 should now `block´ or `mob´ the UK out of the EU, or rather adopt a smoother, more conciliant approach (which I think will be the Germany approach, as it is anchored in Angela Merkel´s nature).

        You are right when you say that the vote, at a closer look, isn´t even very representative for all the UK. It is strange and bewildering that your legal system even allows for such a `make-or-break´ decision to happen that way! For me, being a daughter of a French with Greek roots and a German noble with Baltic roots, with a wide family spread all over Europe (France, Belgium, Spain, Italy…), last week´s decision was emtionally desastraous—

        Ever since, I am truly heart-broken. I feel so lost. :-((

        Maybe this is over-emotional, but when I was done with my Brussels appointments the other day, I took a short walk in the park before travelling home by Thalys, I suddently felt all my forces fainting, and had to sit down on a parc bench. Sitting there, I started to cry. It was that contradictory `melange´ of the city (where the N formerly in my life lives and works, as you may remember) – Bruxelles ma Belle…- that city which is wounded inso many senses, however still busy clinging to everyday EU hectic and routine in a strangely stubborn, delusional way – and and that `fin-de-siècle´ feeling creeping in, envading everything…

        The EU illusion, as it was proclaimed by the elites (who totally missed the point), is crumbling down… and there is nothing we can do right now but letting go of the illusion… we have to let go of what no longer serves us, and replace it with something better, more simple and more sane.

        But with WHAT? What will come next for the people from the UK, for the Europeans altoghether?

        As for now, I am not yet ready to let go of the idea that the Britains, Scottish, Welsh, Northern Irish people want to embrace the European values and spirit… it is much like a relationship with the N: there is so much potential, yet so much unnecessary destruction on both sides :-((

        “I hate you, don´t leave me!”

        Just like with the N, there is so much I love about the UK – the style, the impact of the ancient and of history, the landscapes, the sea, the architecture, the language, the humour, the brilliance in education (for those who have the chance to participate in that), the diversity and versatility in thoughts, the arts, history and expression… the matter-of-factly approach to problem solving… the contraditions, the complexity of it all! But they just don´t want to be vulnerable and open up to us.

        See, how our (continental Europe´s) relationship with the UK is similar to the relationship between co-dependents and the narc in many ways?

        They hurt us (those remaining in the EU), those 27 who are willing to compromise and bear the consequences, the slowness, paralysis and burden of compromise – or at least pretend to be willing, although that makes us unhappy and restricts our freedom, flexibility and individuality in many ways. We go for the compromise because we can´t stand the freedom or hell of existential loneliness (think Sartre). We prefer to stay within the community because it´s much safer and at least, we know what we get, most of the times. It serves us in many ways. It´s sometimes nerve-wrecking but it is still better than the lonely-wolf, dog-eat-dog-world approach (of the narc), so we opt in and stay in.

        We wanted them to stay with us. They (UK) are so different in many ways, but they make our world more shiny, because of their differences. They connected us to other universes (like the US). We need them for the stuff we don´t dare to do (like defending ourselves, our boundaries appropriately).

        But on the other hand, they (UK) repeatedly crossed our boundaries, broke the rules we all agreed on, claimed exceptions, felt entitled to all those privileges, and we granted them those privileges because we desperately wanted them to stay and the relationship to work out. But that still wasn´t satisfying them. It was not enough!?! So we gave them (you!) even more “Rosinen” (raisins) over the decennies, and lost our identies by focussing on compromise all the time, until we ourselves became blurred and in need of inner identity, guidance and spirit – the EU, an empty shell?

        What is our core? Who are we now?

        Certainly not Juncker. Certainly more than the sum of the AfD and the Front National and those other far-right nationalists.

        But no matter how much we have discussed, adapted and tried to please everyone within the EU – the Greeks, the Hungarian, the Germans, the Brits, the Spanish – it didn´t really work out. We (Europeans) have bargained our values and our conscience, and still do. As a result, we have almost lost our core identity. And for what?

        You (GB) still discarded us. We pretend that we discarded you before you discarded us. But we know that´s just formalities. In reality, you think that we (EU) are not good enough. We tried so hard but we are still not good enough. By trying too hard, we made many mistakes, we lost ourselves and then lost you. We may have lost the people of other member states along the way, too.

        You chose the break-up and the risky thing. We choose to remain in the bubble, petrified in angst of real change. Who is more afraid right now?

        I have a lot of understanding for the Britain decision. There is something liberating in that, much like leaving an old life behind, starting a new love affair instead of working it out with the old partner. Much like breaking-up and going no or minimal contact with a narc.

        The EU, too, has reached that point of “enough is enough”. So we tell you to get the f**** out and opt for minimal contact. We are hurt and disappointed. We don´t want you to sit at our table any more, we don´t want to listen to you any more, we don´t want to even see you any more. If you don´t want us, just go away and STAY AWAY, right now!” However, this hurts so much, just like breaking-up with a narc!

        We (EU) are deeply wounded and we feel left behind. You go for the adventure of The New, and we are left behind and stuck in the mess.

        We acknowledge that the search for “better” instead of “OK” always comes with a price. Sometimes the price of self-destruction. We feel that you may have to tear down the entire building and then built up something different from scratch. But at this stage, we are too hurt by the discard for having any compassion or wishing you luck. It is too early.

        On a personal level, right now, I too feel abandoned and stuck in the sceleton of bureaucratic EU, altough I am still in touch with beautiful and strong EUROPA, the gracious lady. I know she will stand up again somehow, and better. But it will take time and effort.

        And you – how do YOU feel?

        Somewhere, I read that “The only constant is change.” This is so true, isn´t it? Sometimes, change hurts so much, but is necessary. Everyone who has gone through narcissistic abuse, even the narcs/narcissistic nations themselves, experience this. We, the Germans, who have gone through the darkest of all tunnels and made the most terrible mistakes of recent history twice, brought so much destruction and harm over our European companions. We know how painful it is to change and grow.

        There is much more that could be expressed on this subject but it is still turmoling inside of me, and this is a `narcsite´ and not a political site, so I better stop here:-) If you think this post is unappropriate or too off-topic or lenghty, please feel free to edit or simply not upload it.

        Finally, I would like to express that the way you manage this blog is quite impressive. It is healing to talk with you. You are intelligent and challenging. I like that!

        I wonder what is your basic profession… I suspect it´s something like journalist, or editor, with a psychological or legal background? An ordinary businessman wouldn´t spent such time running such a blog or responding to random comments from random people who are on the opposite spectrum of where he is coming from.

        Maybe you will let us know one fine day. One thing I have no doubt about though is that you are a man, not a woman. The male shines through every sentence you write:-)

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      2. Hello Alice, thank you for sharing your thoughts about the EU and Brexit, I enjoyed reading them. Thank you for the compliments, they are appreciated. No I am not a journalist nor an editor. I’m not an ordinary (how dare you suggest I am ordinary!!) businessman either. Yes I am a man.

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      3. My humble guess is something with Finance. Trading, investments, Bank President possibly? Real Estate would be my 2nd guess. I know a reader thought for potential of something political. As brilliant and articulate as you are, I don’t think that profession would ever allow the time or privacy for you to invest in this blog and your books, plus therapy sessions with Dr. E and Dr. O.

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