Love is a Taught Construct



How do you know how to love? Did you sit wide-eyed in front a large screen as colourful costumed characters hugged one another to a saccharine sound-track so this imbued you with the concept of what love was? Did those cartoon characters explain to you what it is to love? Did their exaggerated voices and crazy antics, followed by the moral of the story teach you what love is? Perhaps you read about it in love, heard it in songs and studied the many ways in which this ultimate emotion appears and affects people. Chances are that you have been affected by those hugely affecting passages from the great works dedicated to love. Chances are you have been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy jingles which also profess to tell you what love is. They have all played a part. You may have learned about love from the version churned out by the media, of Hollywood romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens, tarts with golden hearts, the good man who rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved by love. Love may have been explained to you from the pulpit as a higher love, something which transcends all earthly manifestations, a love so powerful and complete that it sacrificed its only son in order to demonstrate its love for humankind. This godly love is all around you, it touches each and all and is mighty in its effects. Love may have been learned from furtive fumbles down alleyways, sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the exploration of warm and urgent body parts accompanied by those every so sincere protestations of love. A haphazard journey through galloping teen years as nothing and everything makes sense all at once. Then again, love might have appeared to you in the form of something small and furry, an unconditional (so long as it was fed) love which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So many erudite tutors, learner lecturers and wise proponents of what love is. Love thy neighbour, love yourself, love is all you need, woman in love, it must have been love, crazy little thing called love, to know him is to love him, we found love, how deep is your love? Love is all around us, in us, between us, lifting us up and letting us down. It is everywhere and you may well have been taught by many of the above and more besides as to what love is.

However, love most likely will have been taught to you by those who created you, those two people who came together and through their own pleasure created you. Two people who decided that they would shoulder the responsibility of creating life, nurturing it and bringing a new person into the world. Those two people accepted many, many responsibilities from such a decision and act. Chief among them was the responsibility of teaching that person what love is. Through their offices they have furnished each and every one of us with the notion of what love is. A deep-seated and visceral understanding of this is how love feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it sounds like. This is love. From those two people more than anything else we are first grounded in the concept of what love is. This grounding lasts a considerable time and whilst there are other factors to be considered, as I have mentioned above, it is this lesson which is learnt invariably first and the one lesson which resonates beyond all others. So often we are in their hands when it comes to being taught about love. So, what is this taught love? It has so many, many facets.

Love is being told to never trust anybody.

Love is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.

Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.

Love is knowing nothing is ever good enough.

Love is understanding that someone else knows better than you what is best for you.

Love is turning away from the reality.

Love is standing straight against a wall for several hours for speaking out of turn.

Love is for the weak.

Love is being told that when I am gone nobody else will look out for you.

Love is succeeding.

Love is building a wall as high as possible.

Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that final curt nod of approval.

Love is being seen and not heard.

Love is fulfilling your potential and securing that legacy.

Love is hurting you even though it hurts me, but someone in this household has to do it and it won’t be him will it?

Love is reading to yourself than being read to.

Love is living in the shadows and hoping not to be noticed.

Love is being the best.

Love is the preserve of the powerful.

Love is being denied a birthday party because the other children are too stupid.

Love is being undermined in order to prevent conceit.

Love is a begrudged recognition and the injunction to try harder, go further, climb higher, run faster, study longer.

Love is burning your hand but not crying.

Love is a righteous beating.

Love is being distant and pretending things never happened.

Love is being sent away.

Love is not being told.

Love is splendid isolation.

Love was taught this way.

155 thoughts on “Love is a Taught Construct

  1. Noname says:

    Familiar postulates of what the “love” is… Sad.

    “I can still feel the sting of the belt on the top of my thighs…”

    Me too.

    Both parents did it to me.
    Father wanted to inhibit my rebellion and dictate his will.
    Mother wanted to kill my soul. She was more cruel and inventive beating me. My tears were what she wanted. When I realized it, I “blocked” the ability to cry. She was disappointed.

    No matter what had happened in my life I never cryed. I couldn’t. Even at the funeral of my grandmother, who was my sun. Only my son “unblocked” this ability.

    I hope you realize now that you could do nothing in this world to escape your fate, Tudor? Child against Adult. You couldn’t win at those times, you didn’t have any “instruments” for that. It wasn’t you fault. It wasn’t my fault. Sh*t happens.

  2. Lisa says:

    Wow, Mr. Tudor, that was terribly sad. I have to admit, I normally don’t like you, but now I really feel sad for you.

    I do hope that the therapy helps and that you feel better.

    The bottom line is—most parents cannot be parents. Our parents’ parents were terrible parents. Our grandparent’s parents were terrible parents. And the human race probably had terrible parents when we all were hominids living on the African veldt. We’ve been fucked up since Day One, and we can’t seem to right ourselves.

    The human enterprise will almost certainly end badly because of our cruelty to each other.

  3. brown says:

    Mr Tudor, i am pondering why some of us that were subjected to the same (or worse) as you, became co-dependants, and not NPD? and so, i know i am co-dependent, thus my very long and ongoing 13+ yrs with a NPD. The NPD abuse is what i was taught is “love”? but why did i not become NPD? …. i seek to understand this, in theory and in your opinion, not everyone that is “taught” this kind of love, becomes NPD. I am unable to sleep and this is consuming my thoughts. I need your input…. Thank You in Advance

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not yet have the answer to this Ms Brown. It is interesting that some people went one way and others the other. We know how they chose to deal with situation but not what necessarily caused that choice. I think it may well be a genetic predisposition which means add trauma and person A goes NPD, person B goes co-dependent.

      1. Ms brown says:

        This subject deserves further investigation, as i need some valid answers… Thank You

        1. HG Tudor says:


  4. SII says:

    This was a very interesting question and HG, answer.
    How do you feel every hour then you read your emails and you see how many people are grateful for your honesty and help. Isn’t this an abundance of positive fuel, shinning from every spot in the world. Isn’t that positive fuel, to know that, no one in this world has the guts to shine the light on the evil. Are you not aware that you created all of this positive fuel yourself? It came from you? This is an evil subject of which you have changed to positive work and fuel?
    I can’t overlook that the answer you have given seemed to have come from a very insecure place within yourself. The question presented to you confused you. Is it very possible that you truly are unaware you creative your own positive fuel to gain from?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I create all fuel because I am the orchestrator, the puppet master and I press, prod and provoke the various appliances to dole out the fuel for me, but the fuel always comes from them and not from me. I feel empowered when I read the praising and adoring comments, e-mails, FB messages and so forth. It is all fuel but lower in potency and power than if it were given from someone stood next to me. Yes I created all this positive fuel but it does not come from within me.

      1. It does come from within you. The facade didn’t write the article, book, blog, text. The facade didn’t tell the joke. The facade didn’t play the sport. The facade didn’t academically achieve. The facade didn’t make sex phenomenal. It’s all you. All those things are things you did. You cannot fake what you don’t posess. I will tell you that I believed like you once. That the accolades held me together. I thought that someone would see thru me and know I was a fraud. So I had to keep feeding the beast. I had to believe that the people were fooled by me. I was superior because they didn’t realize I felt nothing. Is this what you mean? You create the fuel by inciting a reaction of an emotion that does not exist inside you. Watch them fall for it, feel powerful? Is this a topic for an email? It all comes from within you. You just refuse to believe it because the abuse was so horrible. You orchestrate. You make them. You cannot control another without breaking them. You dish out the abuse to master your own. If you got cured you could still write. In fact you sometimes use the past tense about therapy. I have been terrified. I could terrify someone else. I’ve grown past it. It makes no sense for you to continue breaking people as act of mastery over the real abuser. I wanted to abuse to get back at the abuser. I was only denying myself. I felt satisfied but not fulfilled. That is why I had to keep repeating it. I grew easily bored and started a new game. You know I desire to replicate. In one area. This is the only one left. I will master that too and root it out. It’s not healthy but I crave that because I am broken in that area. I don’t think I deserve a good person. I have to keep reminding myself I did all of it, not the fraudulent actress. Me. Not them feeding and falling for a lie. I accomplished it all. Not some construct. Not some facade. I learned to get my worth from within. Not from outside. It took a long time for me to give up what worked for me. You know I’m still trying to give up that last shard. But the construct is almost all the way gone. I did not die. I did fall apart at times. But in a safe environment. I didn’t lose anything but the need to manipulate and punish. Now I’m ptsd and sociopathic. Not narcissistic. I don’t use the sociopathic side nearly as much as I used to. I pull it out when necessary, but I choose. I have a full range of emotion and sociopathic abilities. You want to talk about dangerous. That is more dangerous than a narcissist sociopath. I have a fuller arsenal. I trump the narcissist because I was the narcissist. I’ve grown healthier than that. I surpassed the abuser by possessing something they couldn’t get. A full range of emotion. They didn’t have it. I do. I win. I beat them. I am better than them. You’ve even said you are jealous that you have to get emotions from some lower form. It angers you that you need it. What if you got it? What if you beat your abuser by not being better at her game but deciding to beat her by loving yourself and shutting off the abusive side? She couldn’t do that. She is stuck. If you abuse more than her, you don’t win. You lose. If you surpass her emotional inadequacy you win. If you love and she cant, you win. If you accept that the work was all you and not fake or a result of what you were pushed to be, you win. Put away the game and win by showing her you are better than her because you can feel and she cannot. It’s all you HG. Not the construct, you are an amazing man, not an abused little boy that needs protecting. Win the better way. Choose the better way. She’s already lost. She failed. You still have a chance. Take it. But, give me my part that i need so I can fix it before you get out, see that old narc coming out?

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Love this! For what you accomplished and HG is teetering oh so close…

  5. You just made me chuckle…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It has been known to happen.

      1. Oh I am sure…

        I imagine that “Jack of all trades, master of none.” does not apply to you…

  6. Ha 50 Shades of Grey… I once saw a parody in Las Vegas. I have to agree…even that was shit BUT my narc was laughing and agreeing most of the way through. I have never read 50 shades, (of anything other than the pallet of greys I painted in art class) I will never pick it up the book or watch the movie… I know enough about the characters to know that it is totally unrealistic and apparently the ending just fell off into a pit of emotional crap.

    HG –

    The fact is that I want to feel sorry for you (my heart aches for your childhood mistreatment but my brain says stop it, we can make choices to change), I want to hug you, I want to show you that you can change, I want to tell you that everything will be okay. I want to show you that everyone is not the same and that you only grow stronger by learning life lessons. Feeling the hurt, the pain, crying, anger, bliss, ecstasy, love, loss… so many emotions to feel and they are beautiful. Yes, heartache hurts but you survive!
    Just like an emotional feeling you can even derive emotion from sensations. The scent of her (his for me) skin, the feeling of silk on your naked body, the sweet and juicy taste of a ripe peach, the beauty of a violin and piano together entwined in dance by Debussy and lastly, as you listen to such beauty you are taking in everything around you that make your eyes dance, rather it be the way the bow strokes so effortlessly against the strings of the curvaceous violin or the way the pianist commands such a large glorious instrument with just the stroke of his fingers but with each tenuto he uses his entire being so you know how important that note is.

    There is so much that you are missing out on not being able to enjoy the little things in life, things that you can enjoy on your own or share with others. Do you feel any type of emotion attached to anything? I must imagine that you do have your own desires, you cannot always mimic everyone else! What about the periods when you are alone? I know that my narc wanted things a certain way, undoubtedly due to his upbringing but aren’t we all accustomed to our upbringing?

    Tell me, when you listen to music are the words the only part that catches your attention or could you take the words out and enjoy the instrumentation…let it play out like its own story, or create your own?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes DC79, anything to do with 50 shades will always be a crock of shite.

      Thank you for your kind sentiments. When my fuel levels are at a decent level I am perfectly able to be on my own and I will read, write, watch a film and such like. I can climb a hill and sit atop it and admire the view. I can meander through a forest and listen to the wind through the trees. I am an intelligent and cultured man so I can appreciate many things although of course I will always ultimately look to use those situations to may advantage in some way and if fuel is low I am unable to do those things until the fuel has been found. I can listen to the music in itself and recognise the skill involved in composing such a piece of music although I may become irritated after a time if fuel is low and I wish that I had written the piece and I was receiving the acclaim for it.

      1. In some ways we all use our knowledge and desires to entice an interest, advantage is given to those who put forth the effort.
        I understand that you derive fuel from human interaction, I have read your book on fuel BUT have you ever received fuel from yourself? Surly, in the moments that you are by yourself, maybe that moment where you feel so incredibly full, you just jumped out of the shower, getting yourself ready for work or going out, the radio blasting your favorite song, you are singing and dancing along as you get ready… your body is energized, your heart pumping the purest oxygen to every inch of your body, you are just completely invigorated… is it not possible to be so confident in yourself that you can provide your own fuel?
        I don’t know if I find excuses for your kind (which seems so harsh saying this) or I still cannot totally see how you are completely different than me other than the titanium wall, reinforced with a diamond lining, you have built around your emotions…
        I can say that I love being by myself but it is true we all need human interaction and of course we all love someone who motivates us, lifts us higher and complements us. It is the same thing that you seek but we don’t call it fuel.
        Now, from reading, I do understand that some Narcissists prefer positive fuel and others negative. Would you say that you have a desire for both and that depends on your mood? How do you decide what kind of fuel you are craving?

        Please bear with me, I know that my brain becomes a little scattered at times… trust me when I say there are so many questions and thoughts in regards to you. I know it doesn’t help that I am stubborn but eventually I will put the puzzle pieces together or I will just create my own! 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No I do not receive fuel from myself, it comes from other people.
          You are right about the wall but you and I are different since whilst you are affected and influenced by the behaviour and views of others, I am defined by that. You also have a range of emotions that I do not. There are many differences between you and I.
          We like both positive and negative fuel. We prefer positive fuel but are forced to switch to negative fuel after a period of time with out intimate partners. For the most part we garner positive fuel from secondary and tertiary sources because they form part of the all important façade, are less likely to disappoint us and if they do we may decide to replace that appliance rather than subject it to a period of devaluation. Of course, this depends on the type of narcissist and the nature of the transgression. We do derive negative fuel from minions and strangers. This is done since we do not rely on them for the façade, it allows us to exert our power and often it is done to impress a primary or secondary source that we are with.

      2. As for music and you wishing that you had written the piece and received the acclaim for it (when you are low on fuel)… I think we can all relate to that but I see this is where jealousy steps in. I would also assume when you are at your low you are also lacking confidence in yourself. Everyone also dips into self-loathing from time to time but we all must learn to rise up from that.

        Again, we all must learn…

        Just like they claim all of us empaths are codependent (BS), we also have to learn how to be confident in ourselves, love ourselves. In a sense you are codependent as well for the same reasons but you are calling it fuel…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is a reliance yes. Most of our kind don’t know it. Those that do hate the fact and don’t want to admit it.

          1. I think we’d all like to be head strong and say that we need no one else… Eventually we all need human interaction no matter what it is for…

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Id like to disagree but I am unable to.

  7. nikitalondon says:

    Agree with you om 50 shades HG.. Going home to get a read 😃

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not of Fifty Shades of Shite I hope.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Hahahaha of course not. Never did read that. I think I was the only person in my dpt@ work that did not.
        I mean I start reading the trail about Alex stories and all other trails and your postings… I have a backlog 😖😖

  8. Soaking it in says:

    Now I am being traumatized. Here come the crocks again. Are they being thrown against the wall or being used for its rightful purpose?

  9. So are you saying that your victims tend to hoover you? They have this insatiable need to feel your false sense of love, the invisible touch of your words that caress their heart and blind their eyes? The connection that is so deep in their chest that keeps them pinning for your physical affection?

    AND if I am going to write lustfully to you, it is best I just start my own blog of how incredibly sensuous and passionate you slick narcs make us feel… then you can concur there…. or get your jollies by reading A.N. Roquelaure, ” The Sleeping Trilogy” (now there is a fourth since she came back to the dark side… I will have to let you know if that one meets up to the previous) At least with the trilogy there really isn’t an emotional attachment to any character, but oh so hot.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I hoover them but resistance is both minimal and futile.

      1. You are very confident.

        Have you ever been fed a little of your own medicine? No doubt it would anger you however I am curious to know if for a moment you’ve ever let your guard down and have had a taste of bitter sweetness.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I had all the medicine I could swallow when I was young. I dole it out now, I don’t receive it.

          1. I am sorry HG, that sentence shows a very pivotal period in your life.
            …you know I am biting my tongue and fighting with my own mind here…

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You must write what you want to write, that is the whole point of being here.

          3. Also… I would like to throw a fit and protest… I am here regardless… are you also learning from us?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed I am CD79, indeed I am.

          5. mlaclarece says:

            Eh, I think you could use a shot of Fireball now instead of medicine.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Very good.

          7. Duchesse says:

            From swallowing pills to hooked on alcohol, Doctor?

  10. Ah, so your body (heart) does respond to your emotional state. Yes, scientifically the rush is created by your brain releasing endorphins BUT since you have a need for different types of fuel I will assume that the feelings you receive are not all the same. For example, if you are running your body releases the same type of endorphins but you will not receive the same type of rush as you would that beautiful new supply stroking your ego, her hand brushing up and down your arm while she gives you a coy but take me now look…

    In short your heart responds to your emotional state and my point is that even if you are “The Grinch who Stole Christmas”, it is possible that life is in that heart of yours…

    I maintain that only a true psychopath or sociopath lack the capacity to truly ever love and be in love, their brains were misfired since prior to birth or even in their genetic makeup. Now, I am not saying that you (a narc) cannot be swayed but I am merely stating that it is possible to show you the right path and YOU can make the choice to go down it or continue on yours of destruction.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do like your first paragraph.

      Yes I know I have a choice. I always have had a choice and I chose the path which suited me each and every time without once being concerned or looking backwards.

      1. Would you like me to write more intimate fictional fare for your fancy?

        HG, you know that is not 100% correct… at some point you look backwards, regardless if you had an inclination of remorse or not.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          BY all means.

          No I do not look backwards. Unfortunately for me the past has a habit of reappearing in front of me.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            Like, your sins of the past keep catching up to you until you atone? (My Catholic upbringing coming out).
            Or the doctors just hound you every session?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            If I believed in sin, something like that. The doctors cause it as well but it is the shades which haunt me.

          3. mlaclarece says:

            Elaborate please, that confused me a bit.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Which part Clarece?

          5. mlaclarece says:

            What “shades” haunt you?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            People from the past but I banish them, I have control.

          7. nikitalondon says:

            50 shades of grey… The movie was too much for him., 😂😂… Traumatic

          8. HG Tudor says:

            That crock of shite should have been too much for anybody,Nikita.

          9. mlaclarece says:

            Um, something tells me HG could make Christian Grey look very vanilla if need be. 😂😂

          10. HG Tudor says:

            I do like you Clarece.

          11. mlaclarece says:

            Even if I’m just strawberry ice cream instead of vanilla?

          12. HG Tudor says:

            More mint chocolate chip I’d say.

          13. nikitalondon says:

            Really ?? Sounds Great!!!

  11. This only shows me that you were not given love and yet another response to get all of us empaths to feel sorry for you. AND it works, every time BUT at the same time if you are aware of the medium you were given to work with, why were you not strong enough to make the change? You cannot tell me that this is the love you were shone and so that is how you love yet you are aware that it is not love. Your heart still works and that is where love is felt, your actions towards others comes from your brain.

    I can only assume that the feeling you receive when you are given the right kind of fuel is your heart telling you what love is or feeling of enjoyment. It seems to me that your brain is the only thing that stops you, just like mine with my large wall in hopes that I can get you out of my head… if you told me that you have no inclination of a feeling when you receive our fuel then I might be inclined to think you are more of a psychopath.

    This is a great article…but for veteran Narc lovers, this is a typical story we hear… the typical why you have a hard time with love/feelings… and why I dedicate this song to you (like my last):

    Surly you remember this song from a post months ago…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The consequences of changing the way that I operate are too considerable at this juncture to risk making them. Whether my view will alter remains to be seen, that is part of the ongoing process. It is only recently that I have been more aware of the link between what I was taught as love is what governs the way that I am. Love is not felt in my heart and nor is it felt there by anybody because the heart is an organ which pumps blood around the body. It is in the mind where the concept of love resides but the heart is used as a useful way of conveying the concept of love as it is a symbol for emotion. What stops me is the huge sense of power which sweeps over me when I experience the provision of fuel. Fighting against that is nigh on impossible for two reasons. Firstly, the sensation in itself is so overwhelming and also edifying that even if I could fight it, why would I? Secondly, fuel is required in order to maintain by existence and therefore I am loath to reject the very thing which sustains me. Whether I can be influenced to accept some kind of alternative remains to be seen.

      I do remember this song from some time ago. it is an excellent representation.

      1. My only question is…

        When you receive the fuel that you need, regardless of the nature, does your heart not reciprocate with a patter or flutter? Is it only your brain that responds and says, “Oh, this is exactly what I wanted from xxx and I am fulfilled for the time being”. I find it highly unlikely that your heart has no response in the matter… You can break everything down to a scientific means if you’d like but since scientists still cannot figure out the complete functionality of the brain than no one truly knows the complete function of the brain and body together. I know that the response to my emotions comes from my brain but also affects my heart and in some cases my stomach. They are connected regardless of how or why. I do not question it but I cannot go forever ignoring my feelings just as you cannot go forever without supply.

        Yes, I did post this song a while back… it will forever play in my head like a broken record…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is a surging within and my heart will no doubt beat a little faster from this “rush”.

  12. karen519 says:

    I have to admit I really didn’t realize what love was and didn’t care because of pain that turned to anger as a self defense mechanism for years. Love angered me Everytime my B tried to get me to open up and love. It made me infuriating yet perplexed. I wanted it but at the same time I was scared of letting it in. But I lost the only one by forbidding it.
    On another note. The mind is a genius because it blocks out many things (protecting) until it feels safe enough to accept or deal acknowledge certain situations.

  13. Sii says:

    I understand. This will be coming up in my therapy. Can a safe place be an object or a thing or is it a person?
    I will be exploring this in regards to attachment. I believe my safe place was a blanket that my mother would take away from me and humiliate me about it. It left around 8.
    I wonder if material objects, cars, watches, homes are safe things for you? They pad your world do to say.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It was a person.

    2. karen519 says:

      Sii, mine was a doll that I mutilated and I kept the head because I would scratch my face to feel something and it would soothe me when I was a small child.

    3. Miss_stress says:

      I agree Sii , my daughter still has her first crib bear blanket, she even takes it on sleepovers still, she is twelve. I had a teddy bear as a child, I had it till my bf tossed it down garage Shute when I was 23. I saw that teddy as angel of sorts to sleep with and keep me safe. We all have security blankets of some nature. That which we deem our safety.

  14. Soaking it in says:

    Could you expand on your safe place and it going away. This is the first time I have ever heard of such a thing as a safe place. I never had one. In fact as a toddler when my mom could not handle me or my siblings I was sent to a neighborhood man. Oh he had so much fun. My world was never safe. I made sure it was so safe for my kids. I have a feeling I have another looked door that’s going to open with this safe place Comment.

    What was it and why did it go?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      At the present time SII I would prefer not to say, but I will at the appropriate time.

    2. Miss_stress says:

      My safe place was my room and books.

  15. karen519 says:

    I think love is different in many ways to different people because we all have different capabilities. Some are shown or taught more love than others. Some choose out of fear to disengage. Some don’t know what it looks like if it was as close as a feather away. I was taught at a young age that it was important. Although I wanted to be loved accepted growing up I was scared to love. I pushed people away and proved to myself that everyone who said that they loved me were liers. I hated people and used them before they use me. I would not let anyone in, that was until I met a guy that my Aunt knew and I stood him up 13 times. I was angry at the world for all the people who was supposed to love me and protect me. This guy was different. He was not perfect by no means. He refused to engage in physical fights with me but would hold me down until I agreed to stop or he would leave until I calmed down. At this time anger was the only emotional outlet I knew. I laid hidden inside like a scared child for no one to see. I married him but never allowed him in. After a couple years of being married and I had pushed him away so much he ask me if and when I would ever let him or someone else in. I denied… it made furious with rage because i thought he saw my secret place and that I really wanted to love him but I didn’t know how and I was scared. Each day I was furious because he was getting closer somehow. He would love me just the way I was not trying to change me. But he left. My world started spinning and I got angry again. We were separated for 18 months and he died. My whole world shattered. I would have done anything to bring him back. I blamed myself because I lost him and I punished myself for years because right before he died he begged me to take him back and told me that he did not want to live without me . You can only find love by going through your fears and it’s scary and hard but possible. Love is a sacrifice. Love is the most thing in the world. Love is what you do for another person even if it does not include you. Love is giving to another. Sometimes love is going to work and providing for your family. Can only love if you are strong enough to choose to do it. It is different for different people. You never know how hard it took someone to find the courage to do it. In the end it only matters between you and your Creator. Whatever state of life you are put in you have ability to do the task. For You H G I hope you find peace light happiness and a love that delights you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Karen, thank you for sharing your observations. As I wrote about a month ago, Love is a Taught Construct. I note you wrote “I was taught at a young age that it was important” can you expand on that for me please?
      Why did you take the view that everybody who said that they loved you was a liar? I am interested to see if it accords with my own experiences.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        I realize you associate the word love with power. You also learned at a young age to suppress emotional pain. Is there another word or gesture that when given by an intimate partner, you could associate with genuine caring and that you could feel safe and at peace?
        Growing up, was there any other adult (i.e., grandparent, teacher, another relative – not Uncle Pete) that if you were troubled with something you could talk to? Be mentored / comforted, etc.?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No. The suppression arose before the engagement of intimate partners Clarece so I do not admit that which is genuine and caring in the intended form, but rather receive it as fuel.
          There wasn’t. I had someone else but that ended.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            I know the suppression happened so young with your immediate caretakers. I didn’t know if maybe the doctors are trying to figure out a way to gently re-introduce intimacy in a form that would not be intimidating for you.
            The person you had a connection with prior to it ending, was there anything different or significant about that dynamic that made you more trusting of them? Why did that person have to leave?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            The tentative steps of what you describe are being discussed.
            I do not want to say. Not today.

          3. mlaclarece says:

            I understand. That’s ok.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you Clarece, I appreciate that.

          5. karen519 says:

            HG I wish you would have had someone like I had in my grandfather,althought he died around the time I turned 7 before that he was my safe place. No one could bother me when I was with him. No one!

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for your kind sentiment. I had a safe place and then it went.

          7. karen519 says:

            You are so welcome HG 😚😀☺
            Unfortunately mine all left to. The remembering the memories of my grandfather did help me for years. If it hadn’t of been for that I might had made major news or choosing to be like my N.

      2. karen519 says:

        This knowledge I have never opened to no one before. I am not great with words so I will do the best that I can . The only reason I choose to do so now is because of you sharing the knowledge of the Narcissist. In my early years I watched my father work hard to build a secure beautiful home, often giving so much of himself.He let me know that I belonged to him and my needs were taken care of because he loved me. We went to church and served our Creator whom we we supposed to love. We were each different but came together as a whole in unity effort with humility, trust, integrity, honor, respect, forgiveness giving much for the sake of each other.It was then that I watched my mother work and sacrifice for the sake of my father and each of her children ( me & two half siblings) because she loved us. For a while I was happy, secure, loved, safe. That is how I was taught love. There were problems but it seemed to work out until it all changed. My mother’s only Son by her 1st marriage was giving my father problems and lack of respect. So when he refused to get out of the bed one morning my father picked the bed up and turned it upside down with my brother in it along with the table that had a lamp burning with fuel. Needless to say the bed caught on fire which sent my brother leaving my family’s house with a bag on his back and a crying mother who would never hold the love of her Son again.Then I watched as the whole family exploded. Now my father & mother argued fought drank ….He wanted respect,she refused it. Then work women bars different forms of abuse from both sides replaced what was once a happy place became a nightmare. Later my mother told me that I was the reason her and my half siblings were abused because according to her they would not have been abused if she hadn’t have chosen to marry my father . The reason she married him was because of me. My mother neglected to love me or take care of me when I was sick. It was my father that I bonded with. At the age of eight I watched my mother verbally attack my father with the fierce of an Army. She always could wound the best with her words sitting on her thrown of righteousness which no one else could ever reach or be worthy of. As he could take no more he snapped and beat her brutally before turning around and leaving for 7 years. It literally took her 3 days to crawl to the bathroom. There were so many nights before this night that she would sit and wait for him to come home that she would keep his food hot and serve perfectly on beautiful linens and fine China just to have him make her and the walls wear it. Fine China she loved busted along with all her hopes and dreams. I was expected to be and do my best at all times. Anything I did was never good enough. With my father gone it was always too much to ask for anything from my mother except her criticism. I was the bond of my father who took care of me not my mother for the previous years. I simply shared the same house with my mother and sister after my father left. I was left to prey to anyone & everything Everyone that was supposed to care didn’t. I won’t dig deeper into exact details but every wrong ended up being my fault. No matter who the person was or what they did to me. In spite of me doing my best and giving more than most, no one was held accountable but me. It no longer mattered what happened to me or by whom it happened. So for years my first thought with anyone become :
        Which game you playing?
        How much& by which do you seek to harm me?
        By which way am I going to hurt you before you have a chance to hurt me? I saw a need to change this when I was 16 in Intensive Care Unit after coming out of my second Coma with a baby to raise by myself. My father had already came back in my life but it was all different. Laying there in ICU alone because my family would not come look at or speck to me. Only criticism devalue no love.It was then I realized that I could die and never come back and I wouldn’t matter to the ones that failed to love protect or care or whatever. Why give them satisfaction? They would happy if I died. Neither did I matter to the ones that hurt me whichever harm in whichever way that was done to me. There was only one that I mattered to and that was a beautiful 6 month old baby girl who was inline for the world that had done all that it did to me. For if I succeeded to pass over & not come back then that would leave her open prey to what had happened to me. It took me awhile but I realized that I had to change because if not I would destroy everyone & everything within my path with a smile on my face. I have battled different demons of my own for years.
        Although this was very lengthy I hope it delivered. Wishing you HG a fantastic beautiful day with much love respect & fulfillment😉
        It’s C birthday I think I will wish him a happy one . It seems i have dug some extra fuel up.

  16. luckyotter says:

    Hi HG, I was wondering if you’re going to approve my long comment, and answer my question. I hope it didn’t offend you; it wasn’t meant to be. But it’s stuck on my mind. You need to write more of these kinds of posts. Not that your others aren’t great too, but it’s ones like this where your soul really shines through. It’s in there!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi LO, no it did not offend. There is a queue of posts awaiting my comments and answers to questions. I am working through them. I anticipate I should complete them tomorrow but they all required some thought and I wanted to give them due consideration. Thank you for the compliment, there will be more in this vein as matters progress.

      1. luckyotter says:

        I understand and I’m looking forward to your reply!

    2. nikitalondon says:


  17. Riott says:

    It wasn’t meant to be mean but my observation with this post is that sometimes people are created / molded due to their environment. That isn’t not necessarily their fault. Everything is cause and effect. Knowing what his family has done to him; he has the choice to change or follow their same path. I apologize if my comment caused anybody trauma.

  18. Oh, just thought of one more HG.

    Love is sending someone a PM to work out their location.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ha ha.

      1. Love is also knowing this and waiting until you’re abroad before responding 😉

      2. Love then becomes red rag to a bull, but sometimes, love just can’t help this

  19. luckyotter says:

    I do have a question though, and I hope it doesn’t offend you or invalidate your experience. Your post sounds very sincere and heartfelt. I really, really, REALLY want to believe you are actually beginning to FEEL something, to get at that tiny hard seed within you that contains the ability to love and feel all your emotions. I think everyone else here wants to believe it too. And maybe you are indeed writing the truth from your heart. If you’re unfolding, I think we all want to see that happen…and it’s a beautiful, painful, rare, magnificent thing. A miracle if you will.

    But, as a narcissist, you require fuel. You have said in other posts that you get fuel from the emotions felt by others (especially empathic types) in reaction to you. You have said that when people cry (either happy or sad tears) that is a special kind of fuel with more power to fill you than any other kind. You must know you are a very good writer, and have the ability to make people weep for you with these kinds of posts. I’m not saying you’re doing this. As I said, your posts sounds extremely sincere. I believe you and my heart aches for you. But since you are a narcissist, and could write a post like this to get a certain type of reaction, how would we know for sure that isn’t what you are trying to do? Forgive me for being so bold but I had to ask.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You don’t know LO but you will just have to trust in my adherence to the five rules that operate here.

      1. luckyotter says:

        5 rules?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes the five rules which apply here.

          1. luckyotter says:

            Hmmmm….I looked around your blog and can’t find any list of rules. I want to read them though, so I don’t break any!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            They apply to me not you.

  20. luckyotter says:

    There is so much pain and raw honesty in this post it made me cry.

  21. Riott says:

    You are a mere symptom of the disease.

    1. Harsh.

      I am not certain what your observation brings to the table, if anything, Riott, other than unnecessary harshness directed at HG after he very courageously opened up to all of us here.

      Perhaps it would be of benefit for me to remind you that, if you don`t have anything nice to say, you`d best not say anything at all?

      I do hope you have yourself a lovely and productive day. 🙂

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Agree better not say

  22. Leilani says:

    Thank you HG for sharing this post

  23. 1jaded1 says:

    This post stayed with me all day to the point of tears. I don’t know what love is. In some people’s minds it is the unicorn that poops rainbow sparkles. I seriously hope it isn’t those examples that you endured, because if that is how love is displayed, how is hate displayed? I am grieving for the loss of that child due to these teachings and so angry. In our world it is called abuse.

    For what it is worth, in the short time I’ve read your blog, I see good in you…if I didn’t, I’d be outtie.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you

    2. nikitalondon says:

      of courese there is good in HG. He has an own ligth ……. that shines bright. <3

    3. mlaclarece says:

      I did not have a chance to read this blog until later in the day and the same thing. I was equally disturbed and it stayed with me the whole rest of the day and I imagine it will for several. It is abuse and it’s affects stick for a lifetime. When the child disassociated in order to survive in this caustic environment, it was also the Genesis for the fury in him to evolve.

  24. bethany7337 says:

    So many of us have experienced all or most of the things on your list. These atrocities produced two sides of the same coin. A chronic struggle for a meaningful and loving relationship with self. It is cliche but you can’t give away what you don’t have. But you can discover it one layer at a time. As we all are.

    Someone very wise recently described ️love as something like an unattached reverence and compassion for another’s self development – minus abuse, manipulation and judgement. Or perhaps she was describing empathy. The truth is, I have a lot to learn about love. This I know, it’s an inside job.

  25. Without reading any other comments…My heart bled for you HG…so much; despite all that I know about you, but it still bled wholeheartedly for the little boy deep inside you 😢
    As I continued to read and was almost near the end…I also thought…Yeah…”Happy Father’s Day”, (as I have seen many posts of late prompting him to be on my mind lately, re: celebrating Father’s in America.) And realized, yet again, how much I, unfortunately, understand so very well such a world…one that an innocent child should never experience. We both search for love; yet formed such different ways of doing so.
    For many, that search is ultimately unsuccessful it seems.
    I still wish us all, that which our heart truly desires, to enable us to experience our preferred kind of love.
    Hopefully, amongst all of our life’s experiences to date, we have learned what we want and need to be happy. I’m learning to be grateful for all those that have taught me what I don’t want and what I will not accept. They all teach me to love me healthily.
    I love your reminders. Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you CE.

  26. Soaking it in says:

    Oh no I would never discount what you remember and the reality.
    What I am saying here is I bet you remember the abuse and the pain much differently then your siblings may have. This could be an issue in therapy,
    I no validation is a problem for me because of lost time. My siblings see there abuse much diffrent then I see my childhood. I have a mom that refuses to take responsibility for my outcome. I tend to believe being the first child I took the brunt of the abuse and that’s why my siblings see our growing up years much diffrent.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for clarifying. I understand the point now that you are making.

      1. Evan711 says:

        Very interesting topic to me… I remember things from my childhood very differently than my twin sister … Or I don’t remember at all and she recalls details… Why? Most of our childhood situations are completely identical.. Our family, our friends, our hobbies, our work… We did everything together, yet I strain to remember painful experiences with my father, my sister recalls with vivid details…. We are both empaths , but we have behaved very differently in relationships with men for the most part… Is our behavior formed from our earliest experiences and memories? We are identical in every other way…. H.G., I am so troubled by this post.. Brilliant writing as always, but so hard to read and realize the terrible abuse… Your beauty and intelligence, your work here, your many supporters, trump the terrible abuse that they so graciously delivered to you… I believe if anyone can rise above, it is you….

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for your kind sentiments.

    2. rescuenomore says:

      Can relate to this post, about family and their involvement in our destruction. My short (life long) story. Narc mother plus Narc Twin Brother plus weak enabling Father. I fit into rescuer mostly (am a Nurse, who would have thought that? hoho). Complete destruction started from the exact second I was born. I don’t need to bore everyone with the thousands and thousands of instances of leading to me having my soul murdered, as you all get it. The biggest curse for me, of course, is, as they are my family, I could not just go no contact as a baby/child. I was their captive whipping boy from day 1.

      The worst part , after many years of self protective denial, is this was all done on purpose. I finally had to accept this just last year that these evil examples of humanity (my family for heavens sake) destroyed me on PURPOSE. This caused me to have a year from hell, big breakdown, couldn’t maintain my job so had to leave. I am now at 55, just starting to get my life together.

      I agree with a post that said that Gas lighting is the worst form of abuse that it is possible to inflict on any one. The constant Invalidation from gas lighting has totally and completely ruined me. You all know the implications of this so I don’t need to repeat the consequences of this soul raping form of abuse.

      I can even relate to the ladies as my male twin sibling treated me like he treated his gfs.
      I am very grateful for HG postings that I have been reading for some time. Of course my understandable hate, rage and resentment (HRR)surfaces as I read the posts. I believe the greatest benefit from HG posts is he actually VALIDATES us all, by bizarrely speaking the truth, whilst living in a universe of lies. I appreciate HG insights and honest truths. No other Narc site comes close to HG.

      Consequently, over the last few months my HRR has lessened as HG confirms we are NOT bad or mad.
      Of course I know quite well I will never totally recover from an entire lifetime of N abuse from those closest to me.
      I will continue to read HG posts and watch movies of Normals so I know how to respond in the Normal world of which I have been totally and completely denied.

      Keep on keeping on xx

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hello Rescue No More and thank you for your post. It is powerful indeed to have the abuser finally confirm to you that you are not actually the one at fault although we always try and make it seem that way as part of our machinations and control. The shackling to our kind through familial links is often just as devastating as the effect of a narcissistic intimate partner. I am pleased you have been finding my work of assistance to you and do keep reading and contributing.

  27. This….this draws my ire, HG. That a person did these things to you and made you feel this way. I don`t even have words and that is a real rarity because I always have words. Always.

    To me, in my world, love is when someone is able to accept you for all that you are. To see your brightest and most shimmering goodness and your darkest most toxic badness, and accept it. All of it. Because it is who and what you are.

    To give you what you need without judgment or fear of reproach. To positively reinforce all of it so you never have to feel the painful sting of criticism or rejection because, to at least one person, you are perfect just the way you are.

    It is being able to be free and unabashedly honest about who and how you are and having that one person be able to look at you and say, “I know and I accept you. I want you just as you are. I don’t want to change or mold you into something for my liking. I want you to be just the way you are and to reach the very fullest of your potential.”

    Love is to be able to look that one person in the eye and know that they love you FOR you and are willing to do what it takes to ensure that you are a success in all that you seek to achieve.

    And this is why love seems to elusive and hard to understand. Because to me it boils down to the simplicity I outlined above, but that simplicity is damned near impossible to find.

    This is why it is so easy to find fault with others and why you desire to hurt overcomes you. Because you have not come across that one person who embodies all of this. That one person you can be at home in your skin with.

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Maybe he finds this person soon 🙂 <3

    2. Alice says:

      That one person cannot be found outside but within- it is within himself! It IS himself! And then, there is the Divine inside of every living being. The Universe inside is part of the Universe outside.

      From developping a loving, accepting relationship with ourselves and or True Selved we can open up for giving and receiving love from others.

      It is very challenging for all of of to get to that place of self-love and trust, bit I believe that HG will get there eventually. He is not a garden-variety narc. He has very much awareness. If he would be ready to go beyond the cognitive and work on a somatic level as well (EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or similar methods), I am pretty sure that not only he would see clearer, but also FEEL different. At one point, he may even feel pure love.

      HG, Thank you for this precious post! You will move beyond your mother’s abuse. Maybe you already have. She does not define you. You are not her.

      We (yout readers) can all see and accept your younger self – the child within she could not really see, hear and love. It is also about forgiveness. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Rather, going through the pain and then releasing it for your own higher good.

      Carl H. Jung said “What you resist persists.” That is very true. If you allow yourself to feel the pain of your small wounded inner child, and then help and protect your inner child so he can move through that, you will start to feel more than just power, rage, fuelled etc. Things will shift eventually and you will be able to feel much more emotions.
      Sending virtual hugs and love to you 😘

  28. Rebecca says:

    Sending you all a virtual healing hug as I grew up the love I learned about was not healthy either . Interesting that like some of you I was clearly not the favoured sibling has had a more successful life both professionally and personally . Possibly because she was shown more love as a child? We have to just try to make the best of this life with the hand we’ve been dealt . I hope you all feel some genuine happiness in life and love yourselves like you would your best friend.we all deserve to be loved and be happy xxxxx

  29. Kplove says:

    I had a dysfunctional childhood and I didnt turn out this way.

    1. the_pan says:

      @Kplove Dysfunctional, how?

  30. Castiel says:

    Some people are born into environments where that important attachment figure so powerfully influences the ability to feel safe and contained and soothed…I suppose this enables us to feel,experience, give and receive the construct of ‘love’…

    For others, they are born into a world where the attachment figure, that which is meant to help you feel safe is instead a threat to your internal world and in your environment. It must have been horrible being under constant ‘threat’ and in a constant drive state to get it right…never fail…to be the best so that you get some approval, acknowledgement…to exist.

    I’m so sorry that this is your reality HG…

  31. Bity Roll says:

    🙁 Such a moving and real article. So sad. , Picturing you as a child, outside in the cold how you must have felt, makes me angry and sad. I agree with you HG, I think you must have been truly loved to be able to love. Sorry to go personal again but, I was partially raised by my grandparents, given the situation at home with my violent father, my grandmother was apparently a lot like your mother, but my grandfather was a humanist and warm loving man, I spent a lot of time with him and still am touched by a lot of kind words and behaviors he had toward me. In my twenties, after seeing my father, I realized that you have to love your children for them to ever be able to feel and give love. I know there is no definite answer but I would love to and it would be so interesting to know in depth about the upbringing of narcissists, also the children of narcissists, if the ones who did not became narcissists had a love source, how close and influential and when. If there are times when the narcissists “hesitate” between being so or not, being on the edge and sometimes interrupting the cycle. If beyond the cold hurtful memories of those moments of being dismissed, punished, criticized, lectured and given harsh outlooks on the world, they felt rebellion, sadness, unfairness or if all had already been exterminated in the early stage by the narcissist adult. How do you feel regarding Love HG? Do you consider it ridiculous? Useless theatrics? Do you feel locked out? Alienated? To you is it just a tool for fuel or do you have a longing or resentment for it? Do you ever feel lonely in your no love state? Sorry if I am not very clear and a lot of questions. Thank you HG <3

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I regard love as a weapon to get what I want. I do not think it is ridiculous in itself, although I do think the expectations (manipulated by the media et al) associated with it are ridiculous but that also plays into my hands. They are not useless theatrics but useful methods for me to use in seduction and useful for people to provide me with fuel. Do I feel locked out? I did when I was put out in the cold! I don’t feel locked out because I was never “in” if you know what I mean. I do not feel alienated, I am isolated but that is what happens when you are sat atop the peak. I long for love in the sense of it being fuel and a means by which I can bind people to me. Do I feel lonely? For the most part no, because I am surrounded by fuel-providing appliances (either physically or through a remote connection) so I am rarely alone in the truest sense of the word. Thank you for your comment.

  32. Soaking it in says:


    This is more in the medical field of brain development. It has been studied that the brain center of the hypocampous holds our memories. If am MRI is taken of a person suffering from personality disorders they have an unusual hypocampous. Here is the first article I have seen that may support this.

    I am suspecting you may have remembered the same situation very differently then your siblings do or did growing up.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am interested in your last sentence. Are you saying that owing to this “unusual” hippocampus I perceive and/or remember what happened to me differently than my siblings ? If so, what am I remembering then? I can still feel the sting of the belt on the top of my thighs, did I in fact experience something else?

      1. Kim says:

        Hello HG!! Please accept my professional opinion of this theory, as I have many years of experience in the medical profession. I do not believe that the unusual (research actually identifies as relatively small) hypo campus (correct spelling) is the cause of personality disorder as they suggest, I believe that it’s the exact opposite. First of all, true clinical diagnosis of personality disorders is not common, as they do not typically present themselves as dysfunctional or disordered, but actually seem to function very well in society & appear very normal to others. It also is well documented that most personality disorders are developed as a result of some form of prolonged abuse ( like the cruel emotional abuse HG describes from his Mother in this article) Secondly, they typically do not seek medical/professional treatment, as they do not view their actions or thought processes as wrong/abnormal. Thirdly, according to statistics, clinical diagnosis typically does not occur before adulthood. Therefore, the personality disorder has been present for many years prior to diagnosis. Furthermore, it has been proven clinically that any form of abuse (especially severe emotional abuse as HG describes) causes physical changes to the body. In my opinion, the abuse & further development of personality disorders are what cause the physical change they’ve discovered. I myself have 5 siblings, all of us raised in the same household with loving & nuturing Christian parents. All 6 of us have very different opinions of our childhood, simply because we all developed individual relationships amongst ourselves & with others & experienced different events in life within our household & separate from our household. That is actually very common & not abnormal in any way. To suggest a “brain abnormality” or difference in opinion among siblings is indicative or possibly the cause of a personality disorder is horribly insulting & minimizes the abuse that the person endured to begin with. HG, my heart truly aches for you, I can not imagine the amount of pain you felt as a child being raised by a Mother that is incapable of loving & nurturing who own children.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for your input Kim.

        2. Soaking it in says:


          You are correct that personality disorders are not clinically diagnosed until adult hood. I tend to find this odd. My symptoms presented themselves threw my lifetime.
          Kent Kiehl, Ph.D. Did an expensive study on psychopaths. He wrote a book. The psychopath whisperer. The science of those without conscience.
          His study and MRI show that the hipocampus was grey and did not look normal compared to the non psychopath. This leads to the theory the muscle is atrophied because it’s a part of the brain you have closed off and no longer using.

      2. nikitalondon says:

        🙁 …… was it allowed in your country to hit children with belts ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Whether it was legal or not was never going to stop her Nikita.

          1. All too relateable..I never knew any different and would never have spoken about it if I did.
            They are a law unto themselves, in any case!

          2. nikitalondon says:

            🙁 want to hug you now. strong strong strong …

  33. Cara says:

    Love is my mother belittling, physically and mentally abusing my father, isolating him from family & friends, making him watch as she beats his children AND him just going along with it. That’s what I learned from “those who created” me, and I don’t want to be my mother & grind the man in my life to a nub. I don’t think that’s fun.

  34. Soaking it in says:


    Very interesting I am the eldest of 4 as well and I already new you were as well.
    How about one parent abuses the child while the other watches and then says this hurts us more then you!!! We love you!

    Yep that’s why my basement was locked closed and the key thrown away. left those oh so warm fuzzy feels there to die.
    I took the empath fork because I could hardly watch my siblings go threw the pain. It made me crazy. I checked out. Disassociation is how I began to live and I think that’s were your answers lie.

  35. Soaking it in says:


    Very well written post. This is a question I have waited my whole life for an answer to. I try so hard to capture what others feel. Like you I see it with families every single day in a hospital. I was able to replicate it as well as I could while raising 2 kids. That was one of the hardest tasks I ever mastered. There both sound adults.
    I have come to the conclusion it’s a personal feel/emotion. It was learned from day one and built upon threw life experiences. Some were negative experiences and some positive.
    I believe the twisted love/pain mixed messages one gets in childhood messes with ones believe about what love is or should be. Are you by chance the oldest child in the family?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      SII,thank you.I am the eldest and I am not. I have an older half-brother, but I am the eldest of the four of us with the same parents.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Was your older half-brother the son of your dad?

        On a separate note, my husband of many, many years that I met when I was 19, was the oldest of four siblings. His parents were not bad people, but very, very young when they had him first. He dealt with neglect at times, sexual abuse between the ages of 4-8 from a relative and then physical abuse at times from his father. He recounted one story that traumatized him as well as me when he shared it which was a bad mark on his report card (I can’t remember if it was a grade or behavior issue) and his dad came to school, pulled him out for the day and took him home to beat him with a belt. I still shudder reflecting on that. I saw that wounded child throughout our 20’s as I helped him struggle with anxiety attacks, depression, over-eating and other medical issues caused by the residual effects of trying to cope and hide the shame, unworthiness and grief of feeling a loss for his childhood innocence at such a young age. His other siblings were never targeted by the father. My husband seemed to be the one the dad would hone in on and get physical with. My husband finally confronted his dad at the age of 23 asking him why he never heard the words “I love you” from him. His dad made an effort after that and especially as the kids had grown, he really mellowed out. Him maturing and growing older probably gave him a better parenting perspective however it does not erase the dynamic he set when my husband was a young child.
        Since my husband and I struggled with infertility, we just had each other to dote on for 13 years prior to our daughter being born. When our daughter was around 2 yrs, my husband seemed to have a resurrection of childhood memories seize him, causing the anxiety cycle to start over that took nearly a decade with therapy, medication and my support to get him to place he felt healthy and well-adjusted. It started crumbling down.
        Tragically things unravelled from there with other details and factors I do not wish to share. He once told me, he hated that at times he felt jealous of our daughter, getting so much of our attention and he missed me. The kind of mothering I did hit him like a semi truck what he did in fact miss out on. He missed my sole, devoted attention because I now had our baby daughter to nurture and care for as well.
        Upon our splitting, he told me I was like the mother he never had all of those years with how I nurtured him and basically raised him. He always felt “broken” inside. It was better for us to split and have space from each other and stay committed to raising our daughter in as healthy and loving of a way possible. He is good to her and has a strong presence in her life. She is never a weapon between us.
        My point of all of this, I have experience first hand of one child feeling targeted by one parent whereas the siblings have a completely different perspective growing up and of their parents and theirs being very good and positive. It is very isolating for the child not only feeling the wrath of the parent but then not having the sibling(s) who share the same house be able to commiserate.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for expressing that Clarece. Yes my half-brother is my father’s son but he has taken the name of his mother rather than keep his father’s name. Interestingly my real brother and sister would try to commiserate with me in respect of the harsher treatment that was meted out to me, compared to them, but I rejected it. To accept it would have been seen as weak.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            You seem to have a strong relationship with your younger brother now. Would you still view it as weak, to commiserate with him now?
            I wonder if your mother put undue pressure on you being the firstborn for her with your dad to outshine his older child with her demented view of whatever perfection she envisioned for the family unit. Could she get away with her antics on your step brother?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I would not describe it as strong but it is the best of the sibling relationships. I have nothing to commiserate with him.
            Undoubtedly that was part of her thinking. My half brother (not step) was not around the house much.

  36. Yo says:

    Love was taught this way. U know it. Why u teach love the same way?
    (P.s. fuel is not an answer)

    If it were an acceptable answer, you would have said that she did it correctly coz she also needed fuel.

  37. 1jaded1 says:

    My heart is broken for those who were taught that is love. I don’t know what else to say.

  38. nikitalondon says:

    I have to close this browser because if I read again I have tears again….

  39. Love is only for your sister because she is good and you are bad……very bad !
    Nobody loves you and no one ever will.

    This makes us seek chaos as we’re undeserving of love, or for some told that’s what love is.

    Great article HG. Did you feel bitter as you wrote it ? Or were they just words ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I distilled this from a session with with Dr O.I thought it was better conveyed in this form rather than as a conversation. Did I feel bitter? No, I was furious. At two people.

      1. I used to be angry, very angry but it’s such an exhausting emotion.

        Post N, I’ve moved on. I understand now that she was incapable of love and that wasn’t my fault. I feel no love for her and never did but I can now at lest be dutiful without hating.

        Nobody is perfect HG……..well, except you of course. 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Glad you recognise all of those things Alexis.

          1. I just wish you could too. For you and for all the people you hurt. But I know this is not possible.

      2. mlaclarece says:

        I am both speechless and devastated for you. To share love with someone in a healthy relationship and have the privilege of creating a life is the most sacred thing two people can experience. It is such an honor to be blessed with my daughter and help her to be well rounded in her learning and development and watch this amazing personality that emerges.
        The blueprint for trust in a person is established with the parents (or main caretaker) between newborn and 5 years. It is that young.
        I hope that the doctors can find a way to re-introduce developing intimacy with someone who will have your best interests at heart. And that person is out there for you.
        I cannot relate to one single thing on that list. That is true horror to me.

      3. Your comment here made me think HG.
        Actually, I experienced very similar, overall in so many ways. Plus a little more beltings to the head/face (without a strap for that part of my body…I guess, thankfully?!)
        I just realized I’ve never, ever, faulted my mum for it. Only ever my father. I felt she was doing the best she could and if I think about it…she was absent almost always, as she stopped it. Not so much the emotional stuff, but the physical; absolutely. She mostly ignored him and after he left the room etc told me she was proud of me etc. (The bad stuff grew easier to believe unfortunately)
        My grandmother had tried to stop the physical beatings also on occasion. I was hated for that. Hmm…this is opening too many memory vaults and allowing me to see things I had forgotten, from a somewhat detached perspective. I’m so glad I am not under my parents rule any longer. My freedom and sanity is worth it. I transferred the emotional abuse over to relationships somewhat after leaving home, but never to the degree I lived it as a child.
        Nevermind…we live and we learn…well slowly, but surely, it seems.
        You have given me much food for thought today HG and the rest of you lovely people. Thanks. It’s getting easier to see that part of my life, in my minds eye these days, and let it go.
        The present day still has it’s issues to deal with…as long as I’m moving forward with my personal growth and self love issues; I’m one happy little vegemite 😊

      4. luckyotter says:

        It sounds like you’re progressing. This post was incredibly emotional and powerful.

  40. Claire says:

    Love is not is felt ❣

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Tell me, what does it feel like Claire?

      1. gudrunbrangwen says:

        Love feels like a full tank of fuel without any effort or manipulation. Void of envy, greed, hate. It is pure and perfect in the moments that it grabs hold of you. The way you feel standing in the rain with your arms outstretched. Cleansed. It is selfless elation. It is a fullness, almost bursting from your chest, of reverence, admiration, and gratitude. It is your positive fuel but instead of taking it to fill you up, it fills you by giving it away.

      2. Whitney says:

        Love feels like wanting best for someone. Their hurt hurts you and their happiness makes you happy. Like how you love us HG

  41. nikitalondon says:

    I am sitting here behind my computer and ended reading the blog in tears and pain in the heart and in my chest. Alot of pain. If I could only turn back time for you. I dont want to enter to question anymore…..
    Love is for me the ability to give to someone in a way that it changes someones life into bringing more joy by understanding, caring and being compassionate and allowing freedom. This is my way of loving.
    Its never too late to find love HG… maybe after letting go of all that pain and going through it you might be able to feel what is to be loved. <3

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

      1. KE Ranes says:

        Your definition was exactly how I was taught growing up. You hit every one perfectly. Also no hugs because apparently I was unhuggable.

    2. Isa says:

      He doesn’t want to get rid of the pain!He thrives in the pain he inflicts others!
      Without it he wouldn’t be the king of the realm!
      He doesn’t have the ability to rebuild from inside!
      He is the king of the facade and the jester inside himself
      In a desert island he would go insane!
      Maybe you should experience that and realize how small your are and how your unsolved child problems are meaningless.
      Without the others (people)you simply don’t exist!

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