The 43 Traps from 3 Letters

Image result for heart in a trap

 

It was your devotion and belief in a four letter word that led to you being targeted by us and thereafter ensnared. That was not your fault. We look for those who want love, who believe in love and dedicate themselves to the pursuit of the provision and receipt of love. Love is what caused you to appear on my radar. Love caused my antennae to twitch. Love made me lock my sights on you and commence the bombardment. Yes, love brought you to me but it is an even smaller word which prevents you from escaping. This tiny word packs plenty of bang behind its three letters. It is a word which punches above its weight. This word is one of qualification, hesitation and reservation. It causes hearts to sink and hearts to hammer in anxiety. It dashes hopes and puts in place obstacles and hurdles. This little word is one which prevents you from breaking free from our grip. It allows excuses to be made for our behaviour. It puts the brakes on, it weighs the anchor and digs in the heels. Just when you thought that you might be making some progress and getting away from our vile influence, this word appears and brings everything to a screeching halt. We often deploy this word in order to halt you when you are trying to speak. We add it to our conversations in order to protest or to create a condition precedent in order to irritate, upset and annoy you. It conveys indignation, annoyance and surprise. So much flows from such a small word. Whilst we have multiple uses for it, its primary purpose in keeping you where we want you, in our grip, confused and bewildered arises from your use of this word. You say it many times by reference to us and its effect is to cause you to question yourself. It nullifies the progress you may have made in moving away from our polluting influence. It hinders, distracts and ensures you remain bogged down. This word is repeatedly used by you, with reference to us and if you consider how many times you have used this word yourself, you will agree that its effect is considerable.

          What is this word?

But.

There it is. Look at that word. Three letters. That is all it comprises of. No grand, long word. No multiple syllables. To the point. Blunt. Effective. Small, unassuming and common. But it carries with it so much power and especially so in respect of the dynamic between your kind and our kind. This is the word which paralyses, hinders and traps. You use it all the time. We know you do. We rely on you doing so to make these traps for yourself. There are many of these traps.

 

“But he can be so lovely at other times.”

“But I am sure he didn’t mean it.”

“But sometimes I upset him.”

“But we have been so happy together.”

“But he said he wanted to marry me.”

“But it just doesn’t make sense.”

“But if I perhaps try a little harder then everything will work out okay won’t it?”

“But I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But why does he do that?”

“But what causes him to say those things after everything I do for him.”

“But all I need is to understand what makes him do that.”

“But if I give him another chance, I am sure it will succeed this time.”

“But if I don’t try, how will I know?”

“But we are soulmates, that is what he said.”

“But what I don’t understand is why he does that when he tells me loves me?”

“But this is what I want. Him and me.”

“But there are times when we are happy.”

“But he is just misunderstood.”

“But we always do things as a family.”

“But he is my son.”

“But she is my mother.”

“But he is my husband.”

“But I don’t want to upset her.”

“But I don’t want to lose him.”

“But I cannot stand it without him.”

“But I don’t know what to do next.”

“But whatever I do, it is never good enough.”

“But if only he would listen to me and then we could sort it out.”

“But if he could change, then everything would be brilliant.”

“But what if she makes him happy instead.”

“But if I stop now, everything else that I have done will go to waste.”

“But doesn’t everybody have a rough patch?”

“But who will believe me?”

“But where would I go?”

“But what would I do for money?”

“But if you would just try for us.”

“But if I don’t give him another chance, I will always regret it.”

“But you don’t know him like I do.”

“But this is what is meant to be, her and me together forever.”

“But sometimes I am so happy because of him.”

“But if you would just let me speak.”

“But why do you do this to me?”

 

“But I love him.”

 

 

How many of those have you said to yourself or to a friend? How many times have you started a sentence with those three words? How often have you sat crying and in between sobs muttered phrases like those? How many times have you pleaded with us using that word as part of your desperate begging? Many, many times.

Whether it appears as part of an excuse, part of bewildered disbelief, the beginning of an explanation, it serves to do one thing. It stops you escaping us. This qualification to what you are saying acts as a buffer preventing you from moving forward and making progress. It causes you to offer excuses for our behaviour rather than you knowing what such behaviour signifies. It is used as a means of avoiding confronting the harsh reality of our treatment of you. It is a method of circumventing the unpleasantness of having to deal with what we are. It is a device for continuing to keep you in a position where you cannot and will not let go. Whether it is because you want to help us, whether to gain answers about what we do, whether it is because you think that the golden period can be recovered or one of a dozen or more explanations which involve the use of this word, the ultimate effect is that it keeps you connected, tied and bound to us in some way. This word is your prison guard that prevents you from escaping the cell that we have created for you. It is you who uses this word, not us. It is you that in effect curtails your own liberation by the repeated spraying around of this tiny word by reference to us and our behaviours.

It is highly effective at trapping you.

It is highly effective at stopping you moving forward.

It is highly effective at allowing our manipulations to continue.

But we know this don’t we?

 

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27 thoughts on “The 43 Traps from 3 Letters”

      1. Never ? What about the discard ? When the new shiny toy is available? Surely the old toy must go HG 😩

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      2. It is not really a discard. It is a dis-engagement. Yes we will be preoccupied with the shiny new toy but we will be back.

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  1. If I may be so bold as to add to your already stellar list:

    “But I just don’t understand.”

    “But why is this happening?”

    “But it just doesn’t make sense.”

    As guilty as you may be of lying to your targets to extract their deliciously potent fuel, that list above is full of lies others have to tell themselves every day to keep from losing their minds.

    Proof that everyone lies. The reasons for the lying may be different, but it’s lying the same. 🙂

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    1. Omg, blood and thunder, I used those ones, are you In my head? And you are correct, I did lie to myself for him. I saw the signs in last year, the red flags, I questioned his excuses and so called reasons, he always turned it back on me, with his buts….but, why are you so untrusting….but, why can’t you just Listen to me, but why can’t you just be happy. The one I despised the most, wasn’t with a but, it was….you just can’t help yourself can you? Meaning, you do this to yourself. If you were just placid and unthinking and unquestioning and more trusting, I would not punish you and go away. He used guilt, blame and shame to say I was selfish for knowing a lie when I hear it. I admit I am guilty for loving and trusting a man, whom I thought I knew so well, to someone I never knew at all. I was just his loyal fuel tank, who had the audacity to think for herself and question him. I could have kept quiet, but then that wouldn’t be me. The funny part was he “loved “me for being real, yet punished me for the same reason.

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      1. I have heard a lot of the same statements from mine. The ways in which they twist reality are astounding. And we just go right along with it. I keep telling myself that he lives in Neverland. I tell myself I want to live in reality but half the time I really want to live in Neverland too.

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      2. Yes libertygal never land, is where we lived when we believed they loved us as we love them. They created this place or us. I was all too happy to reside here. It felt like a safe haven then.

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  2. I have been reading your blog’s. I find it interesting that the NARC’s have so much in common. Sleep issues, sunglasses, not liking being touched, and oddly, a love of fishing. I have also observed sexual quirks, migraines, cleanliness obsession, ,jumping on the latest fads and soon discarding them, thinking it cool to like obscure music, literature or anything not mainstream. Always striving to appear individual on the surface. Yet one on one, dull and unimaginative when the “games” aren’t being played. The game is the personality, without the game there is an empty vessel. When HE was seen and treated appropriately HE lashed out like a two year old denied a treat. I often wondered to myself, what is the point of his need to win? Let him win. It’s an empty victory to win all the battles and lose the war anyway. I have my growing peace of mind. He is still scrambling for his next prize. He will never be satisfied. He will die someday as we all will. Unfulfilled. (He always capitalized any
    reference to himself. Amusing affectation.)

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  3. There is an old saying: “Everything after but is B***s***!”
    HG said it with much better examples. I should tattoo it on my arm.

    My deadly trio of buts and my own rebuttal (hahaha)
    1. “But he NEEDS me!” -like a parasite needs a non-descript host LOL.
    2. “But I LOVE him” -no excuse for being self destructive. Anyway does he love me??? NOT!
    3. “But I feel SORRY for him” -he likes it that way, in fact makes it so. So he deserves her too because he is so PITIFUL.

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      1. I googled it before I posted and both versions are out there you are certainly right! I guess the red flag is those 3 letters :). But what do I know. I know a lot but….LOL

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  4. To answer your question with another 3 letter word, yes.

    Will I ever fall for it again? The number of letters in that answer is even fewer. The answer is, no.

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  5. Yes for love we staY, for love we wait, for love we dream of a future together and hang in there. The power of love..
    Some call it addiction..
    There is in addition a blurred line in between love and believing what love is..
    Love doesnt hurt
    Love doesnt speak bad words
    Love does not critizize but some still call it love.
    Different styles of loving bit only one is fullfilling and promotes growth in ever sense.

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  6. Hello HG and fellow blog readers,
    This round (a year this past April) has become the most brutal and longest round. This all started in 2002. (with years in between) Many silent treatments and derogatory comments later I am now told that: “I told you I never want to get married. You keep pushing that agenda by acting like we are a couple. We are not a couple. We are not boyfriend/girlfriend. Love is for marriage and I care about you but love is very different. I would text more but you might get the wrong idea! You are emotionally super charged. Quit being an alpha female! You are not going to dictate to me! I am driving this. I will let you know when we can get together. Quit dictating to me! That drives me crazy. My job will be getting more stressful soon and I don’t need this emotional *. We are good friends and I enjoy spending time with you. I am not seeing anyone else. If I meet someone else I will text and let you know. I don’t see that happening on my end. Just enjoy our time together and quit trying to define things. Enjoy the moments and don’t worry about the next time we are getting together. I didn’t want to have this conversation today but you went there, now I am going to become depressed on my day off!”
    I asked him the following which confirmed how bad things are. ” So no: marriage, commitment, strings, questions, expectations, obligation. Spend time together when you decide you want to see me? His response: “well not as dry as that but that is 3/4, yes. And I will let you know when and if that doesn’t work will pick another day.”
    The whole use of the friends term is new. Before he would just say quit trying to define things, HG please advise regarding your thoughts. Readers I appreciate your feedback as well. The pain cuts deep. I should be numb at this point.

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    1. Hello Blue!, thank you for your post.
      This mind-set is intentional for the purpose of keeping the ground moving under your feet. Are you an intimate partner or are you an inner circle friend. Both suit him as he will get fuel from either. You in the meanwhile are encouraged to work hard to secure the commitment that you won’t. There is plenty of projection and blame-shifting in the comments.
      “I would text you more but you might get the wrong idea!” – I will do something you like, but there is a risk you will read too much into it, so I can exhibit that I am good but it is YOU that is holding back experiencing that goodness.
      “You are not going to dictate to me!” – I know you are not but I am going to use such a provocative word in order to make out that you are the controlling one when I actually am.
      “Quit being an alpha female!” – I am of course an alpha male and that is alright for me to be such a thing, but you cannot be similar as that would challenge me.
      “If I meet someone else I will text you and let you know.” – When I meet someone else rest assured I will triangulate you.
      This is all about control, provoking a reaction in you and triangulating you with someone who does not exist, the person who he would commit to who does not behave like you do.
      What do you propose to do next?

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  7. Yes I too made those very same excuses. 37 years. Was it that he amped up the behavior of did I just get tired of it all?
    When the light went off in my head – the truth was undeniable. It was shocking to me – but I no longer loved him. You can’t love someone who treats you this way. And lucky me – I got to tell him so. Of course I am still paying the price – but I left with nothing unsaid and a clear conscience. May he rot in Hell.

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  8. Blue1

    boy these Narcs all behave very similar. Reading your post was like reading a texts from my ex narc. It’s over year since he discarded me and I’m finally getting back to my old self.

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  9. HG, Thanks so much for your detailed response. I have read it repeatedly. I feel like reading the truth (as you stated) repeatedly, helps reverse the impact. Or perhaps, snaps me out of this false world he and I interact in? It all makes perfect sense and totally synchs up with his related behavior. I am an IP. And he does reference “caveman” a lot, hence the control. I thought at first he was joking. He is not joking. When he starts drinking, all this magnifies as well .Perhaps, he has a tinge of Sadist in him as well. When I think of all that has happened,It is like a violent scene (primarily verbally and emotionally) in a movie. While it does replay continuously, the effects worsen each time.

    I have attempted to end things multiple times in person. He always manages to talk me out of it. I need to: Take emotion out my thoughts when disconnecting and listen to my mind. He will become much busier job wise soon, and will be gone most of the time. I feel this will be my best time to disconnect. I can send a text to communicate the disconnect at that point. When feeling guilty about that (I know I will feel guilty) I need to remember that he doesn’t care about me at all. I will keep you posted. Heartfelt thanks to you HG.

    AnnetteK: I totally agree with you on the way the quirky similiarties seem to match up. Mine loves to fish, and listen to obscure music. He is quite proud of both.

    Freedom: Thank you for sharing. It is so helpful to communicate with others who understand the pain we are in. Family members and friends are definitely there and do help. They try to help relieve the deep sadness. But there is no way they can truly understand. I am glad you are healing and back to your pre-Narc self :0)

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    1. Hi Blue1

      You’re so right family and friends etc do their best. Occasionally you can see the you should be over this by now in their eyes. But as you say unless you’ve danced with a narc you’ll never truly understand.
      I still have my days some worse than others but I’m steadily getting there. Think it helps as he’s in India working and I’m in the uk. He married his next supply 12 weeks post my discard. I hope she doesn’t get as hurt as I did.

      Good luck Blue1 keep going and be strong. Xx

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  10. That ability to provoke an emotional reaction and yet not even “know” the other person I find baffling. Are we a like electrical circuits that light up in front of you?

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    1. Therein lies the power. If you can cause an emotional reaction from someone you do not know, that is power. If you can cause a substantial emotional response from someone you know, that is power also.

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