What Goes on Below


Image result for picture of flames


“Do that again and you will regret it.”

Those are the words which I will speak in about five minutes, but I am getting ahead of myself.

Welcome to my court. Here I am, sat at my rightful place at the head of the table. Prominent, elevated and overseer of those that have been magnanimously invited to look upon me and bask in their admiration of my glory. I sit, fork in one hand and knife in the other. There is food on my plate but I pay it no regard as I did not prepare it. Instead I am smiling. That rich, bountiful smile of the generous ruler that I am as I allow my subjects to draw close to me and experience a fragment of what it is like to be as brilliant as me. I know I am brilliant because right now the flames of power are high and bright inside of me. They are strong, they are intense and the power they imbue is washing back and forth over me, causing this rictus grin to become affixed to my face. I could not remove this smile even if I wanted to because it has been plastered there by the power that is coursing through me. This power is edifying and invigorating, twisting flames which dart and climb inside of me so that I feel as if I am taking off. I have to fight to remain in my seat as I want to leap onto the table, booted feet scattering plates and glasses as I allow this power to overwhelm me and I surge towards a higher place and thus empowered I will speak to those assembled and dazzle them. My mind races, thoughts fighting with one another. I see the smiling faces, the open mouths denoting laughter, I can hear the delight and amusement that I have caused amongst my dinner guests. I did that. I had all eyes on me, those eyes widening with interest and adoration as I regaled my anecdote to the guests. Each focused pair of eyes, the expressions of concentration, the rapt attention that was flowing my way, the mouths closed, set silent not daring to nor needing to interrupt me, all demonstrated that I was the sole attraction here. As my own eyes looked from face to face, never truly distinguishing who each person was, I drank in the fuel. It was not the recognition of who those people are but rather the emotions that I could see, hear and sense. Each look of admiration, each closed mouth which told me that the floor was mine and they had no need to interrupt as they wanted to listen, from each of the people sat around the table caused fuel to flow towards me, just as I wanted. Here, in my court, sat in my throne, I am surrounded by my lieutenants and members of my coterie. These inner circle individuals who are supportive, respectful and loyal to me because they know how fortunate they are to be associated with me. Their laughter, delight and admiration flows around the room, like fuel in a tank and I want it all. How wonderful this power is, how it enables me to shine and dazzle so I receive even more of this precious resource. I nod slowly in recognition, almost able to see the pipelines which lead from each guest to me. I can picture the golden, sparkling fuel as it is pumped towards me, ready to feed those flames of power and then I see it.

Your pipeline is empty. Nothing flows along it. That is when I see that you are not laughing, you are not even smiling at my entertaining recollection. Instead, your eyes show you are bored and you have just rolled them as I delivered the flourish of the conclusion to my tale. In that instant the flames become doused. They are snuffed out and suddenly the power that they created is starting to ebb and I can feel myself falling, sinking and then that sensation of unease begins to spread, from the centre of my chest and radiating outwards. You are sat there seemingly unmoved by my anecdote but not only that you have chosen to signal to me that not only does it not entertain you, but it bored you. I can feel the wound caused by your bored look. It pains me, evidence of the criticism which you have sent my way, unjustified and unwarranted.

Then it happens. I feel the ignition as the fury has a spark set to it. The rage begins to climb inside of me. I can feel its effect trying to twist my face into a snarl but I have to control it. Important members of my façade are here, it would not do to explode as I feel like I must do so and let you know what you have done to me. I want to pick up this crystal glass and hurl it from my end of the table to your end so it strikes you on the forehead and knocks you from your seat. I want to smash a plate over your head but I must control these manifestations of the rage that is rising inside of me. I know I can. I have done it many times before. Thankfully nobody else has seen your treacherous behaviour and I manage to shift my blackening gaze from you to the lady to my left and she is continuing to smile. Yes, smile for me Helen, smile, yes, good.

“That was hilarious, I love your stories,” she remarks as she cuts at the meat on her plate.

I feel power returning from this fuel she has provided for me. Thank you Helen, thank you, I knew I could rely on you. Yes, and you as well Tom, good, sweet Tom who never fails to laugh at everything I say and is still doing so. I can feel the rage being beaten back by this additional fuel which continues to fuel. I blink twice, caught between the receding fury and the gathering power from the fuel. I can sense the relief as the power begins to wash over me again as I avoid looking at you and keep drinking in the fuel from my friends, my good, kind and loyal friends. They know what to do. They would not betray me, not like you. I am beginning to wonder why I even bother with you now. It is not as if you contribute much over dinner anyway. I would have thought that you would have realised that it is your role to support me and allow me to shine, but you seem not to want to do that do you? I don’t know why. It is not as if I have not been kind to you, too kind maybe, perhaps you need reminding of why you exist? Yes, a prompt reminder is called for. I would cut you down right now with a scything comment but that might fracture the façade. After all, nobody saw what you did and I am not so stupid as to do something which damages everybody’s favourable impression of me. No, my acidic tongue, although itching to lash out at you, for the fury is still there, albeit diminishing, will stay still in my mouth at this dinner table. I continue to drink in the fuel, feeling powerful, emboldened and engorged. I can tell Helen is interested in me and why not? Perhaps a promotion is on the cards for her, moving her from inner circle friends to intimate partner and installation as primary source. She would relish the opportunity. I have no doubt about that.

I am forced to put consideration of a personnel change to one side as I see you leave the table and head towards the kitchen. Here is my chance.

“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen,” I smile again as I stand. All eyes swing my way again, expectation dancing in them.

“I have some more wine for you.”

There is a cheer and the fuel flows further for me at this delighted reaction to my largesse. The flames are climbing now as I leave the table and the chatter of the guests behind and enter the kitchen where you are about to pick up the tiered cake that you have created for pudding. You whip around as soon as you sense my presence and your eyes are round as you have anticipated what is coming. Good, you recognise my greatness and it does not create defiance but rather uncertainty and fear. I can see your concern etched across your face.

“Do that again and you will regret it,” I say slowly, my eyes staring straight at yours, my gaze impenetrable and darkening. You shrink back as I loom over you. I can feel the flames rising as the negative fuel pumps from you, your fear and apprehension just what I wanted.

“Do what?” you reply.

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I hiss and this makes you jump. The flames lick a little higher.

“I don’t know what you mean,” you protest. You are rooted to the spot but leaning away from me, your body language fuelling me as it displays your obvious unease.

“Yes you do, how dare you fucking roll your eyes at me,” I press.

“I didn’t.”

“Are you saying I am making it up?”

“No, no, I just I er, “you start to flounder, caught between wanting to cling to the truth, truth-seeker that you are and cautious of enraging me further.

“You just what? Spit it out,” I command.

“I er,”

I want to smile as I delight in your apprehension and the simple exhibition of my power over you. In an instant I have drawn my negative fuel from you and stunned you into confused silence. Power indeed.

“Well?” I urge. I am enjoying this. This is all good fuel.

“Nothing. I am sorry, I must have been distracted by something else, I have a lot on my mind with work, you know, I will push it to one side and enjoy the evening, I am sorry.”

Your apology strengthens the flames. I hold your gaze a little longer as your eyes flick from my left eye to my right eye as if you expect to find approval or forgiveness in them.

“You better had,” I say softly as I continue to look at you, “otherwise you know what will happen?”

I extend the forefinger on my left hand and slowly and deliberately push it into the sponge of the cake, my digit driving into the yielding cake. Your eyes stare at the gesture as your mouth tightens in fear. I remove my finger leaving a deep and obvious indentation in the top of the cake as I lick my finger clean. I continue to stare at you and wait.

You nod.

There it is the compliance I sought.

The fuel flows and now I can turn and return to my waiting admirers having ensured you understand who is the master and who is the servant.

No raised voices. No smashed plates. No slamming doors.

Façade maintained and fuel obtained.

This is what goes on below.

382 thoughts on “What Goes on Below

  1. Maddie says:

    You are so powerful! Lovely post! How did she dare?

  2. Miss_stress says:

    The weather in the Uk, not too hot, I think it said sixteen degrees. Sounds like this time last year. Hence, the temperate comment. Have a most lovely evening HG. Your article today was wonderful to read.

  3. Miss_stress says:

    Tsk tsk, HG to correct the way CJ wrote that, just because it is spelled or stated differently then the UK. I was only referencing the American terminology, as it made me smile…not correcting her spelling of the word…..tutor/ Tudor. Again, North Americans call it soccer, England and other countries, call it football. Tomato/ tomatoe….to each his/ her own…lol so, persnickety and on such a temperate UK day.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  4. nikitalondon says:

    I was observing the picture of a beautiful butterly posed on a bright yellow flower. And I thought such beauty of nature. One cant live with the other. The butterflies needs the flower to survice and the flower needs the butterfly to grow and exist through time. A harmonious perfect give and take in need.
    Nature is perfect. Love can be that harmonious relationship when the butterfly finds the flower. The butterfly will pick and and the flower will get picked ❤️❤️.
    Have a very nice Sunday with peace in your souls. Enjoy the gifts of mother earth. 🌎

    1. Miss_stress says:

      That right there Nikita, is poetic prose. It is full of beautiful words, analogy and imagery. Very lovely. Yes, the ideal to have a co sympatic relationship, where we choose each other. That is my wish too, to choose rightly.
      Happy Sunday xx

      1. CJ*03 says:

        Yes… do enjoy your lovely Sunday…. i personally am about 2 and a half hours off my Monday beginning!!! Haha

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Yes, hard to maintain all the time differences….still Sunday here CJ…..

          1. CJ*03 says:

            It’s now just gone on 6am here. I am guessing that you are a steady 14hours behind me!!! Lol.

          2. Miss_stress says:

            Well if HGs time clock is correct stating it is 10:30 Uk. Time, then would make it twelve hours…..as it is 6:30 pm here now. Otherwise, maybe it is 13 hour time difference….

          3. CJ*03 says:

            Most of Canada Is 14hrs behind me I think…. im not 100% difference how your time works there though…. if you change depending which side of country you are on or what??! I know it certainly is not still 6.30pm there hahaha I would guess perhaps 3;14am or an hour earlier…. not sure lol!!! To much to try work out right now…. my brain is hurting!!! Hahaha

          4. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, time zones differ across countries as well as from country. CJ, what makes you think I live in Canada? As I never wrote that anywhere? Just curious?
            Yes. It hurts my head too. I am lucky I can recall Uk time differnce, but that is my most familiar country.

          5. CJ*03 says:

            I am not sure what it was that made me think Canada J…. i cant remember!!! Sorry!!!

          6. Miss_stress says:

            No worries, Maybe. It was written at some point. Your time frames are good though.

          7. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you J…. i thought that they were very fair as she had already had nearly a week or more since she arrived and I had asked her 2 times before via text to text me back 2 organise it and she didn’t!! So she really has done this to herself as far as i am concerned!! I tried to be polite and easy going about it but she wanted to keep playing her games like she has right to be my puppet master!! NOBODY has that right except for me!!

            So yes…. as far as i am concerned… she left me no other options but to play hardball and just lay down the cards per se!!

            She no has what….. just over 9 hours to come through and sort this once and for all or thats it…. she blows it!! And im not holding my breathe that she will text… not at all!!! I am almost certain that she won’t text in this time frame!!…. surely it will be just too much for her narcissistic mind to be able to handle that im chosen the rules now… not her!!! Surely she will want to do anything she can in an attempt to regain the control over the situation!!! Like i said…. surely she is going to be of the opinion that how dare Courtney think she can speak to me like that!!! Do you think is an accurate assumption J?? HG??

          8. Miss_stress says:

            Yes you were fair, accurate and concise, there was no confusing what was requested unless she chooses to confuse it….we all know the truth. Yes, the yanking of the chain and the throwing away the collar and leash..I applauded the analogy and the sentiment for you.
            Well, the fact no reply..suggests she thinks as such. And is probably wondering what for into you….and good she wonders….I would have texts back ASAP and made arrangements, but I don’t play games and I am not a N. Respectful behaviour is not part of her manner or vocabulary.
            Yes, HG ag what say you to this development ? I think you are bang on CJ. She wants to call your bluff, message after deadline in my opinion. D did this many time before I knew he was a N….it is part of the strategic game playing…

          9. HG Tudor says:

            The games are always being played.

          10. CJ*03 says:

            It’s quite the relief to here that you agree with my thoughts n this J!!! I, like you, would have texted back to sort it out asap!!… but yes… im not the biggest fan of these games of hers!! I find it quite childish and pathetic on her part to brutally honest!!! “Respectful behaviour”…… why I do believe that is a term that she does not know whatsoever!! Hahaha

            I am glad you like my analogy of the collar and the chains!! I’m actually considering asking my tattooist to incorporate a pile of broken chains around my warrior goddesses feet…. I think that might just have quite the nice touch to it…. thought J???!! Dr, M actually likens my writting style to a confession… like being in the confession booth at church!! This is exactly how I write in my own journals…. very vividly descriptive that can create an imagine in the readers mind (…. not that anyone other than myself and Dr, M get the privilege of knowing what is there!!!! Hahaha).

            I agree with you J…. good that she is is wondering!!! I hope it’s eating away at her and she is obsessing over it…. it would please to no ends to know this hahaha!!… taste of her own medicine if you will!!! And… the best part about that…. is that she has not even been a fleeting thought for me over the last day or 2 since that collar was ripped off and tossed away with the leash!!!

            But yes, of course, I welcome the input of the almighty HG…. The devoted follower i am would love to know that I am starting to come around to thinking like the dark master himself!!! 😉

          11. Miss_stress says:

            I suspect she may be unaware of many phrases related to human kindness, CJ.
            Yes, broken chains, and a homage to HGs book which you will read, Chained..when bound to a N, when free, You are unchained, unshackled, unburdened. Slightly rusty chains to denote the time of imprisonment, enslavement of sorts….it is great image. Freedom!!!!
            Well CJ, one day you could always have those journals published as self help for others. Hold into them for your self, to read in years to come to see how your journey has progressed. Confession I church….I feel like that at times…I call it purging thoughts. I have never been to confession, being Protestant United church. My ex husband and his family wouldn’t allow me to baptize my daughter, he was never baptized. I was. I has my christening how and cap form when I was baby for her. It has always bothered me. Childhood superstitions. Silly really.

            Dark thoughts will it make you evil, Persay, not that HG is Evil. I have dark thoughts, I just do not act on them. Because a I am ruled by guilt and shame. So I have control over temptation. If I was not riled by such, then who knows, but that is innate part of me. Wishing her some emotional torment for the pain she cause suit is normal CJ. Wishing she cared for the suffering she put you through is all. Because you care. I find it hard to rationalize who people cannot care, but they do not. It isn’t our fault or doing, especially when we show them love and care. You can have all the dark thoughts, express them and get them out. It is okay to feel them. Anger needs to be released somehow, that is a healthy way. No harm.

          12. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J,

            I just wanted to let you know that I am still going to reply when I can!!! Sleep was particularly problematic again last night so after my appt with Dr. M, I just spent the rest of my day where possible, completely immersed in music with my funky blue tooth headset…. love it!!!….. no cord between my phone and headset!!!…. which thus makes dancing around my people empty home all the more fun whilst singing at the top of my lungs!!! Ohhh…. incredibly freeing and…… i dont know…. CATHARTIC!!!!! YES….. THATS IT!!!! hahaha
            However, I will put phone down as soon as i finish this and then roll over and hopefully slip into a such a ridiculously deep sleep for at least 2 hrs to start with!!!! Hahaha.

            I shall try my best to get back to you during the day tomorrow for me!!! Of depending what time I get up!!!

            Goodnight J!!! (Or morning for you be as it may!!!). Lol xxx

          13. Miss_stress says:

            I love music and dancing. It is freeing,Cj, sounds fun…good exercise too 😊
            Hope everything went okay today?
            Hope sleep found you and apointment wasn’t too emotional. I imagine they help even more regarding L.

          14. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J,
            Yes….. i do find music can be fantastic for purging m yself of emotion….. i do however also find that being the Emotionally charged Borderline I am, music can feed those emotions dangerously!!! I tend to listen to music corresponding to my mood and quite often it can intesify that mood (which mind you, is already intense!!!). And if it happens to be despair and sadness….. well we know where that can go!!! And the other is the rage i can feel!!! However it can go the other way too where I yell and sing angry music so loud and with so much feeling behind it that it can work as an out let!!!… but usually have to be out in my car to get the sorta space where i can do this!!!… and i try my best to avoid driving at all costs when im in a rage… WAY TOO DANGEROUS!!!!

            But yes…. this was superb!!!… so fun!!! And just so incredibly free!!! I feel like i am not carrying this extra pressure at the moment…. im cyclically VERY rapidly with emotions which is full on and incredibly hard…. but ill take this hard over the constant inability to breathe from L’s suffocating of me!!!! The constant sadness and self hatred that she had me feeling!!!

            This however is quick ups that are VERY high and happy…. but short in duration…. half a day of there abouts…. then a plumit to the other end of that!!! And because im having the highest of highs… EVERY low feels cut worthy at the moment!!! It is yea….. HARD!!! Lol. But it is what it is and i will just keep going on!! The goid thing is other than that last incident of self harm last week or so… i have held it at bay through each of the lows so far!!! Just gotta keep doing!!!

            Ohh…. 1 good thing…. tattoo time in just over 48hrs time (1pm Tuesday for me!!! Lol)…. im very excited!!! We should get my girl finished… and hopefully the shackle cuff still attached to my L arm…. im hoping he can bang that out too!!! And then ill pay off another block and do the chain for that 1 coiling down my arm to the broken link on my hand!!…and hopefully that will be all of my warrior tattoo (plus the extension to my arm!!) in total completed!!

            THEN the temptress starts!!! Hahahaha.

            But i do appoligize that it is taking me so long to get back to you!!! Its hard to find a time in between the highs where im bouncing iff the f*cking walls!!! And the lows where i want nothing to do with anyone!!!

            I am going to attempt to bang another reply out to you today!!! But im sorry if it doesnt happen after all!!!

            How are you doing though J?? How has the last few days back at work been??? Still feeling that posotivity and energy??! Im really glad that this is something that you know that you can do and you know it will work effectively for you… leaving you in a much better place!!! I think its fair enough too… you are human after all and yes…. your quite in touch with your emotions as well… this is positive to lead to an emotional burnout of sorts!! One that yes…. requires a break away where you can get back in touch with yourself!!! So yes… im truly glad that you know you can that!!!

            Will talk more soon J and let me know how your doing!!!

          15. Poetic_Me says:

            Hi CJ
            I haven’t been able to post in blog until today. I was last in pre your messages. I will try to reply to them now.
            I have been experincing some unsettling abuse of late, which has effected me in an emotional sense. Otherwise all is well with home and work and myself. I hoped that today, I would be able to put posts through.
            Yes, with music, myself as well we tend to gravitate to that which matches our mood. To elevate the mood even further or to depress it as well. I only find sad music helps elevate my mood when sad, the reverse of what you might expect.
            Yes, so often it is wise to be aware of how such external things can effect us internally.
            Yes, best not to listen to rage inspiring music In the car, safety wise I agree.
            You said you have been rapid cycling, mood wise. That is understandable with all occurring. Make sure you be mindful of it, discuss with therapist and consider medication again if you feel it may become too much emotionally for you in terms of S.I. You seem to have an excellent undertake ding of self awareness, which helps greatly.
            The lows with comes, as surely as the highs, CJ. As will the triggers for both. I am p,eased you have avoided cutting since last time. That is wonderful news. Have you had thoughts to do so, or haven’t had any thoughts or desire to do so. Eerie tear way, excellent coping and recognition for you. Somethings g is working for you, removal of L, distractions, new activities, Job, tattoo….

            Regarding myself. I was asked to go on that holiday and my daughter wanted to go. I actually did not. But , I did have a wonderful and calm time with good, real and caring people. My work is not the negativity den for me, it is through others, around. Me, near or far it is their negativity that can permeate me and my thoughts. My friend always said the toxic vampires always seek solace with me, because I am open emotionally. I need to find a way to shut them out. Close myself off to them. They know how to reach me and allow them to do so. After a certain point, I shut them down and they become vengeful, so to speak. Some , as you know try to control us. Consume us and break us. They desire it and when we Refuse to break, even though we are so full with the eh emotions of others. It incenses them. I detach and rid myself of their toxins to feel better in myself. The positivity remains, even if their negative energy buries it temporarily. I can hold that energy, they cannot , why it is ladened upon me so often. It is just emotionally exhausting that they keep doing it, some people just like to play games with others. As we both know. But. We prevail. I to so frustrating they keep doing this. But unfairness, I allow it from. Some of them. As it is their need. I have since refused many. D is in that list now. He lost his rights regarding me.
            Hope your week as been going well CJ. As I said. I haven’t been able to reply till today. I have been thinking about you and wishing you happiness.

          16. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J, its truly wonderful to hear from you!!! I am concerned however to hear that your experiencing some unsettling abuse???! I dont like the sound of it whatsoever J!!! I do hope you know that there is genuine worry coming from my way and my thoughts and best wishes shall remain with you!!!

            Im glad you agree with my assesment of not listening to angry music in the car if i am already in a rage of sorts!!! Lmfao!!

            Im very glad to that you said its understandable that my moid is rapid cycling!!! Its intense i admit but im so truly determined to go through it all without meds again so im doin everything i can to help… music, tv shows, all kinds of distractions (but as we know…. the worst being PEOPLE….. and i loathe to admit it… but thats also playing a big role in the rapid cycling!!! Of course, when i talk to this person, im naturally on a huge high!!! But then it changes when they inevitably have to leave…. and i understand that its coming…. it has too… they cant spend all day everyday talking to me!!! Thats not realistic… nor fair of me to expect it!!! But yes…. i havent admit that to ANYONE…. including saying it “out loud” per se, to myself!!!… not till right now typing this!!! Lol). But i will make sure i do continue tobe mindful and discuss regularly with my therapist!!! I will consider medication again IF i find that its affecting anyone else significantly or yes….. i feel i have NO OPTIONS LEFT BUT TO MEDICATE again!!!

            I have had many thoughts of cutting!!. Its a common thought that comes with almost every low at the moment!! But im making a more concerted effort to distract with books, tv, anything NON-HUMAN during these lows so that it takes my mind away from cutting thoughts.

            Plus, i just had another very good release of sorts in Tuesday when i went to get my warrior goddess finished!!!… all thats left to do is he wants to do a background of sunrise/sunset colours to bring her out even more so…. so pinky, orange and yellow blend of colour lol!!! (I like it… lightness, good, dawn of a new day and new error type of thing!!! Pretty cool). He LOVES the idea of my temptress!!! And he actually told me an interesting fact that i thought of you J and that you might like to hear it!!!…. you remember when we spoke about the fact that my warrior goddess is actually on my left leg and my temptress will be on the right…. well majority of people who tattoo themselves with good and evil parts actually do subconciously decide to put the good on the left side and the evil/bad on the right!!! Do you know why we sub onciously do this apparently….. because its said that our right hand is the one guided by devil (as most people are right handed and yes…. thats the hand we “act” out with!!!! So yes… our evil is done with this hand!!). Where are the good on the left is to do with where our goodness lies…… in our hearts (technically our brains but you get what i mean im sure!! Lmfao!!) So yea… we put good on that side as its closer to our hearts!!! So yea…. thats that hahaha. Oh… he also freehand drew my very worn shackles cuff and the chain up my arm with a pen straight onto my arm then tattooed the outline on!!! That should be healed within a week and yes…. go back next week and he will do the rest of it!!! Im stoked!! He is so good at what he does!!! He has actually had the picture used as template of my warrior goddess on his board in where he tattooes and he told me that sooo many people have come in saying “oh my god that is amzing dude!!… tell me no one has that yet??!!….” and he tells all of them no sorry… its taken!!! I said to him GOOD…. ITS A 1 OF A KIND!!!! hahahaha. So yea….i was pretty stoked to hear that i must admit!!! Lol. So yes…. coming along swimmingly on my story in body art front!!!

            I can understand what your saying about the emotional vampires!! I too seem to have a knack for attracting them!!! Hahaha. I think speaks to the sort of person you are tho J!!!… in a positive way… VERY POSITIVE!!! i think that being open emotionally is a great quality!!! I never need be concerned and doing the severe paranoid thing i do over if i have upset you etc because you will tell me!!! This is something i find extremely refreshing to be honest!!! I truly value this in a person. I think it bring the whole idea of living honestly to a new level and i wish that more people were like this!!! But… in saying this…. YES… WE DO NEED TO FIND WAYS TO SHUT OF THE THE TOXICS AS SOON AS IT BECOMES APPARENT THATS WHAT THEY ARE!!! Your very right…. it VERY emotionally exhausting!! (Which reminds me… i cant remember if i told you or not but this is the same with the rapud cycling moods…. thats probably one of the hardest factors is how emotionally draining it is!!! But the highs seem to tie me over well enough for now!! When im high, i dont feel any tiredness or exhaustion… feel lie i could live with no sleep forever lol!! But when it drops to the low… i eel sooo worn down, tired, and just utterly exhausted!!! I actually fell asleep sitting up the other night because i was in a low and thats obviously how tired i must be at time that yes…. fell asleep sitting up writting with pen in hand and jounal open in front of me!! Must have been about an hour or so later when i woke up again as was soun out by this fact!!! Its truly kinda a little scary!!!).

            With L…. not sure either if i had given you this update or not (getting confused over what ive told you and what i havent…. likely because i seem to do my reply writting when im low and like i said about the sitting up sleeping…. im just so tired that it can sometimes not…. commit to memory i guess… the things ive told you!! Maybe i should start keeping track somewhere…. id hate for you to have to sit there reading the same ceap from me over and over!!!!). But yes, weekend was full of missed and rejected calls from a “private” number!!! I believe whole heartedly that it was her consider on the Sunday, it ramped up to over 30 calls!! At one stage it became a, every 15mins occurance!!

            But hey…. if thats all she has to throw at me….. thats cool!!! I can very simply put phone on no soud AND no vibrate and im oblivious to it honestly!!! Hahaha. And while im using it and it rings, 1 sec to hit reject then keep going about what i was doing!!!

            I dont believe however that this was IT!!! Im DONE WITH HER!!…. BUT, she is not done with me i dont believe!!! Thats ok too…. she knows the boundaries ive set in regards to being willing to call the police so more fool her if she doesnt take me seriously!!! Hahahaha.

            Its been amazing though to go through most days not even thinking about her anymore!!! I LOVE IT!!! Its yes…. been the most incredible and freeing feeling i ever remember feeling…. especially when you consider the things i told my tattooist…. that i dont remember Pre-L!!! We did meet at 12 – 13yrs old after all!! So yes…. Pre-L is not exactly clear to me… given this… you can probably imagine how yes, it feels like ive broken out of all my slavers shackles… the cuffs, the iron collar… the lot!!! I love how this one he is doing on my arm looks!!! The cuff hes drawn is chipped and uneven and looks truly worn!!! I love it!!! Shows how long it feels to me like its been there for!!! Truly fantastic job so far…. especially hiven the free hand drawing fact!!!! AND…. we are covering this shitty tattoo i hate the has no meaning thats on my wrist at this present moment!!! Lmfao!! The cuff will cover the whole thing!!!

            Please do know J that my thoughts are with yoh and i too am wishing you happuness also!!! I am still concern about this abuse you mentioned!!! Im always here if you wish to talk more (…. although i do also understand that you may not wish to as we unfortunately do not have the luxuray of privacy here!!!.
            Make sure you are taking care of yourself J… especalky guven what your going through at the moment!!! Id hate for anything to hapoen to you… your such a wonderful, kind, compassionate, and refreshingly honest and just fantastic person full stop!!! I value you VERY MUCH SO J!!!
            – Courtney xxx

          17. Poetic_Me says:

            Hi CJ
            I felt bad not being able to post, unlike, someone like Hg. I actually feel guilt and ore often then not for reasons out of my control. Thanks Mum!!!
            By abuse. I meant harassment regarding my ex and one of his suppliers, whom he obviously recruited to bother me, as I have ignore his Hoover. To play on guilt, that he feels so bad and doesn’t understand why I would not contact him….she believes that and messages me on it, I blocked her, I am sure he will send others. He won’t try again, until he gets confirmation I might be open to communcation. Any more they all get blocked, I gave her courtesy of a reply, I won’t do that again for the others. There have been some other issues unrelated to D. When it rains, it pours, even thought the Weather is sunny outside 😏
            No, if you can deal with it all medication free then do so, you will know when that changes. Regarding the distraction, I wonder if L knows about her? Could she have seen you two together somewhere and is seething over being Replaced? What makes you think this person will leave you? Try not to think this way…it is self defeating and will cause you further anxiety and stress. Just enjoy it for what it is, if only a distortion and not potential relationship, as long as both are I same page, then hopefully neither of you will be hurt. Do dwell on them leaving, out our focus I them being there now. That they are one of your coping mechanisms. We all need them, I dint see it is unhealthy. As long as you can be sure not another narcisisist or such that has hidden agenda with you. Then do not worry.CJ.
            I think the tattooist got it wrong. The right hand is ruled by God, the left is ruled by Satan….ask HG, he is expert on this. I am right ha dead. HG is left handed. Both my narcs were left handed….
            I liked that they were opposing, as it showed to me that we all have food and bad, light a dark within us and what one may find dark, another may find light within….that a Goddess can be seen as antler or avenger. The temptress as well, but the I eyesore station is open to those who see her and how they relate to her. Especially how you see and relate to her….she can avenge your demons, including temptations. An Intersting parable .
            I do get the left is cosiest to our hearts j the sense of say. A wedding band being placed on our left hand to signify unity to another…..I suppose a narc would signify it as ownership……it is again open to interpretation. I wear my Anam Cara silver ring only in my right finger, the opposing hand and finger to the wedding finger. For me it signifies my hope in love and purity of soul, mine and another’s…I thought it would have been D. I still wear the ring.
            The tattoo artist want give others your tatto will he? You designed her. Is it just to showcase his work at the shop? I hope so, it is sacred to you.
            Yes, I will tell you if you uspst me, do not worry. I won’t leave you wondering at all. You are excellent communicator so that is always a huge plus in a person. I can i agu e the rapid cycling is exhausting g. By ex husband is bi polar, when he is that way, he nevr slept either, he also self medicated with alcohol….which then brought him crashing to a low. He was in lithium, not any more.
            It is wonderful you are charging your moods and highs and lows so you can be familiar with the signs and to utilize methods that help you best at such times. A I wish more people could do that CJ.
            Do not worry what you type, or if you repeat yourself, I will always read. And reply…you gave repeated yourself by the way, to let you know. That is distressing to find yourself suddenly awake with pen in hand and writing, to realize his were actually asleep. Try not to dwell I it too much. As long no harm comes to you and your safety is secured during such times. Just chalk it up to extreme exhaustion. That all will return to normal soon enough.

            Shame I her 30 hang ups in that right e frame..leave a damn message…..seriously, so childish…I would rather a nasty message over a hang up. Yes, try to mute phone if you can, keep track of all calls in case DVO comes into place.
            Yes, CJ…I am okay….I just allow others to Crete this turmoil in me and then I have to get rid of it and am good. Unlike an N, I take it in myself and get rid of it through myself….too bad N’s did t do that, creat their own fuel a nd rid their own negative energy internally, then so many of us would nevr have been a sued by them. But, alas that will nevr happen. Where we don’t wish to hurt others, often resort I g to hurting ourselves instead, they opt to hurt others to release their pain. Still. I am hopeful some perhaps might not do that to hurt others.
            I think you are an awesome, caring, kind and thoughtful person, you think of others, you express compassion and you understand yourself and that helps you be more accept and be understanding of others. We both are often hard on ourself, we will get to askance where we test ourself as kind as we do others. We are good people, that is fact xxx
            Hope you were able to sleep and your phone is muted so this does not wake you.

          18. nikitalondon says:

            Hi J
            I am left handed 😳😳😳 my son is left handed 😳😳😳😳 we have nothing to do with devil..

          19. HG Tudor says:

            But we are sinister of course.

          20. nikitalondon says:

            We are not 😍😍😍

          21. nikitalondon says:

            Hg do you also turn the paper 90 degrees to the right to write 😂😂😂 or am I the only left handed who does that ?

          22. HG Tudor says:

            I have a scribe who I dictate to. I don’t write. I only sign things.

          23. nikitalondon says:

            Okay and for signing? I also turn for signing.. Or do you leave the paper straight infront of you like the right hand people. ??

          24. Poetic_Me says:

            refer to HG On this matter, as this is what he said In his blog numerous times. That the left hand is sinister, of the devil. It is lore/ heraldry Nikita. I didn’t determine it. It doesn’t mean you and your son or anyone who is left handed is a devil worshipper. I was clarifying both N’s were left handed, a personal reflection to CJ on her comment. Obviously you are not sinister that way, Nikita. Confer with HG, he should be able to explain it better to you. If I could recall the article he previously explained this to us, but I can’t right now. Sorry. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean that for you…btw were any of your N’s left handed, curiousity only? My mum was left handed and was made to write with her right hand, my daughter is able to write with both her left and right hands. It is mostly superstition.

          25. nikitalondon says:

            Hi J
            No the 3 of them were right handed.. But i would not think about them as evil..
            If I were to describe them in one word, i would use rather cold….
            But ok I am relieved that you don’t connect left with evil .. Its just an area of the brain being dominant thats it..
            I would say as left handed you kind of ” suffer mainly as kid .. for cutting paper, playing guitar.. Learning to cut meat etc 😂😂😂😂

          26. Poetic_Me says:

            Goodness no I am not that Superstitious…I know HG abides by this though. Yes, everything’s geared to right handed people. Which is rather unfair. Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest left handed people are evil, sorry CJ too.

          27. CJ*03 says:

            No no…. its all fine J… dont stress!!!

            I just shared this as an interesting fact from the tattooing world….. people subconciously decided when doing themes of good V evil…. that good ends up residing on the Left arm where as the evil resides on the Right.

            However i still like your idea behind it J…. but they may infact be on the”wrong” sides of my body…… showing that 1 can in fact appear as the other, etc!!!!

            Xx cheers J xx

          28. Poetic_Me says:

            Thank you CJ. Exactly, it can be interpreted so many different ways, especially if we individualize it. And for your Warrior Godddess and Temptress they are both part of you, literally. They are under and on your skin, always.
            Have a fab day…I am home from work and off to sleep fairly soon.

          29. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J, your very right as usual lol!! Hehe. They are both very much si a part of me….. literally and in the symbolic sense of the word too!! They are most certainly both going to be on my skin but under my skin too!!

            You always have a knack for wording things “right” when i cant seem to find words for myself lol!! Perhaps right is not the best word after all….. you word things in a way that feels and sounds like the “right” fit for me personally hahahahaha!!

            I hope work is keeping you busy….. in the good way!! Lmfao…. not the stressing you out etc way!! I WISH I could get back to work… its been SOOOO long since i worked now… or feel like it it anyways!!!…. oh wow!… its coming up on a year actually…. holy sh*t!!!!! Um… yea….. okay!!

            So…… im going to go and sit with this realisation for a little while lmfao!!! I hope you have a most wonderful sleep however J…. emerge the other side feeling well rested and ready for another day onthe job!!!

            Take care of urself J!! – CJ xx

          30. Poetic_Me says:

            Hi CJ
            You wrote this three days a go…I am awake by now lol
            Work is tiring at times, especially when my sleep is often broken and messed up. That effects emotion, as well.
            Work is a wonderful distraction as well. Except at times when I had exes harassing me with calls there in the past. One ex in particular, when I think on him and the timing of that relationship, I am sure he probably was a narcissist too. He made a rude comment to me in taxis once when we were going out because he thought the driving was flirting with me..I knew the driver, he was talking to us both. The next time I saw the driver, he said he would take care of bf, by which he meant, beat him up, he was Russian and a boxer….I thought on it tbh….as this fella deserved a good beat down, he was one who convinced security guard of my building to let him by saying he wanted still my bf and lost his key, I was coming home from a date, thankfully the guy dropped me off, never came up..he was sitting In dark in my living room….I got him to leave after he screamed at me for fifteen Minutes and disturbed neighbours ….I told him that security guard would be fired as well, he them threatened to tell my boss I said she was a control freak, I said go ahead…she already knows she is one and I won’t deny saying it…..I did have the security guard fired…. So. Yes. I thought on it, no that is okay. I can handle him….he was restraining order number one. If he was a narc, definately mid range somatic…I cringe thinking in him now, he was one who went through my cell phone while I wa sleeping and woke me In a jealous rage for having a co workers phone number, a man. My relationships read like a bad TV movie lol..this guy Hones in in me at a bar with friends, after end of relationship. He sent his friend over to table, had the guy insult me, then he swooped in the hero to my rescue…it was classic. Even at the time, I said , hmm did you set that up, he laughed and said, of course not, what a thing to ask…yet again, I ignored a red flag I Saw. HG! Do you think he was. Narcissist?

            Sorry for tangent CJ….he just flashed in my mind so many images and times of this guy….all my friends liked him ..for how he looked….I maintain looks can be deceiving, I always have.
            I recall years ago, I saw he was friends with my Hr manager form previous work, immediately thought he would know I was friends with her still and see me I her friends list. Thank goodness he nevr tried to contact me…..it did make me feel ill, he changed his last name French spelling.
            Let me just pop him out of mind again…..creepy. Let’s say those were not good times. Omg, happy to be single!!!!
            Have a wonderful evening CJ….sorry for detour down toxic memory lane.

          31. HG Tudor says:

            Certainly indicators of narcissistic behaviour in that snapshot PM.

          32. Poetic_Me says:

            Yes. And there was so much more with this guy. He was unbelievable I the things he said and did….it is him and my ex MN that would disturb me most to hear from again, the others, not at all, as they were nothing like those two. we went to his work party and his boss was chatting with me and I was laughing, I certainly was not flirting, it was his boss and I was being social, he came over and Interupted conversation, apologized to his boss saying I had too much to drink( which I had not) and apologized for me monopolizing his time, the boss looked shocked, looked at me, I was so embarassed. I walked away, he Followed me and told me to be less of a slut, can you do that? I called taxi and left when he was otherwise occupied in conversation, he was fuming I left party, I would t talk to him for days despite repeated phone, plus I spend those two days at my sisters so he wouldn’t harass me at home. He was also one who claimed he accidentally threw my childhood teddy down garbage Shute. Women loved him….envious of me, I said feel free, you can have him please, but be warned, not all is what it seems.
            I really hope those types are done with me now.

          33. CJ*03 says:

            Damn straight I hope they are done with you now too J!!! If not…. we will make sure they are done…… knowledge is power after all!!! Xx

          34. Poetic_Me says:

            Yes, knowledge is indeed power. Thank you CJ.

          35. CJ*03 says:

            My pleasure x

          36. Poetic_Me says:

            Hi, CJ, have you heard from L at all since sending the texts? Let us hope now news, is good news. She is probably seething away somewhere cursing your name…..let her. Time for you to enjoy life away from that toxicity.
            Have a super day, you Must be about to start yours.
            J xx

          37. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J!! I’m sorry for my slackness…. i AM GOING TO GET BACK TO YOU!!! Just yea…. doing some cleansing and purifying myself from that putrid woman L!!!
            But yes…. im SO SORRY!!! I have been reading all your comments to me and as always…. guzzling up your every word lol!!!
            Still haven’t heard from her which I am almost rejoicing in!!! Hahaha. I very much so hope that she is seething in a filthy little corner somewhere…. thinking “how dare she?!!” And like as usual…. the world apparently owes her stupid ass!!! I welcome her to try text or call or show up!! She will finally find out what the silent treatment feels like!! I hope that she then obsesses about it…. i dont care if the obsessing is to with how she thinks she is going to “destroy” me…. as long as she is obsessing about me full stop…. then fantastic… she can suck that one up too and see it feels to do that one as well!!!

            Hahaha. Ohhh dear…. i really can be quite the big C-bomb when I feel I want or need to be!!!! I know that it really is not the most fitting look on someone….. not at all!!! But it is what it is and it’s not something that hangs around all day, every day!!! Its simply reserved for when the topic of her is bought up!!!!

            Ohhh…. i do have to tell you a story from this morning…. i literally had a moment of….. “is someone trying to tell me something I don’t yet know??!” **as CJ turns to look at the morning sky!!** hahaha. I grabbed the journal that is reseved for my work and sessions with Dr M, flip to the page that had my notes from my appointment yesterday and see written in quite a nice, decent size: “F*CKING WOMEN!!”. not even 30 seconds pass when my mobile buzzes with the dictionary app, ‘word of the day’……. – “MISOGYNY = The hatred of Women”……….. yes!! I kid you not!!!…. i looked from the phone to the journal………. the journal back to phone…….. just wanted to make sure that my eyes were not playing tricks on or perhaps had become delusional from sleep continuing to evade!!!…. but no…. it was really there!!! And thats when yes…. i momentarily looked up and said out loud…. “YEA…. OK….. YOUR REAL FUNNY!!! HA-HA!!!” Hahahaha (might I just point here that I do not have any belief in God or…. whatever, at all…. so not even I can tell you exactly who I was thinking I was apparently talking too….. but none the less…. it just had to be said!!!!).

            So yes…… that was quite the entertaining moment I must admit!!!

            Ohhh ohhh….. (***feel the excitement oozing out of my words here….. ***) hahaha….. I have finally finished sorting out how I am going to finish my warrior goddess!!!!! Im going to do as I said with the chains…. except I am going to make it like slave style 1700’s or whenever and they had the wrist and ankle shackles!!! I have actually been wanting to do something snaking around my Left lower arm and filling in some of the space between the 2 I already have on there. Soooo…. i am actually going to get him to tattoo one of the OLD SCHOOL slave shackle cuffs about 1 – 1 &1/2 inch above my elbow on the left, then have the chain snake it’s way down and around till it comes to my hand which is where it will end in a broken shattered piece of the chain link!!! THEN…. the rest of the chain will continue down around my warrior goddesses feet including the 3 OTHER cuffs!!! I think it sounds like a phenomenal Idea!!!! Really gives It another VERY strong link to me!!! Coz she is already going to have one of my Tats on her arm too. This way…. she will have broken US free of the chains that have bound us for OVER HALF MY LIFE!!! (Thats how truly long L has had her claws in me!!! OVER 15years…. and yes… i am not 30 yet!!!). BUT…. there is ALSO still that remaining cuff “attached” to serve as ever a reminder that NOBODY will EVER BE given the power to take my freedom away from me EVER AGAIN!!!!! NEVER F*CKING EVER!!!!

            I think it will also be really clever and artistic the way that it starts as a life size tattoo on ME to then be sucked into, and become part of, the piece of Art on my leg!!!

            I hope that explination made as much sense as what I thought it did to me??? Hahaha. I’m trying very hard to get in right and ive been trying on and off for 3 and a bit hours now hahaha!!! Feeling like all the time trying to reaclimate with my prior sleep pattern has all hit me at once today and ive been swinging from being hyper and “over tired” im sure… to the opposite where I’m pretty sure my eyeballs will fall out of my head any minute now!!!!! Hahaha. So yes….. been quite the feat to type this msg to you J…. however I REALLY WANTED TO get it out to you coz you have talked about all of this with me along the way and yes…. i found myself quite excited at the thought of sharing the idea to round out my tat with the shackles!!! No one else that I talk to about it seems to be able to talk about the symbology etc in it all the way you and I discuss it!!!! So yes…. i really enjoy coming and discussing it with you!!! Lol.

            With the temptress…. i love what you have suggested weapon wise with a big scary (but scary in a very tantalizing way hahaha) bull whip or akin!!!! As for her other hand…. i am not 100% sure yet what i am going to do there!!… i personally have a real weakness for a very NICE abdomen (Yes… im sure you think im a weird…. but that’s okay coz im sure i made it clear long before now that yes…. i am a wee bit weird…. i am an Aussie after all…. and we take pride in our uniqueness hahahaha!!!!) On a very lovely lady so I’m thinking that however I get her to stand…. ill get that free hand doing one those sorts of poses that you see women do where there lift their shift a bit to show of the stomachs….. yeeeeaaaa…. that would make me weak!!!! Hahahaha… and well, she is supposed to be MY weaknesses after all!!!! LMFAO!!

            I guess I should leave it here before it take me another 2 hours to finish this lmfao. But yes…. after a better sleep 2nite fingers crossed, I shall jump on WP on the laptop 2moro morning and reply to you properly on your other comments too!!!

            (I will also reply to my emails HG re: “fan merchandise” slogans…. hahahaha!!!!! There is definately a winner there I think!!! Lmfao).

            Oh J, whats inspired the screen name change??? Curious Is all lol!!

            AND before I forget again….. I had a nickname thrown at Me today that I quite liked and thought It might be a winner for My girl……. Princess Aryan!! I know that it does possibly have negative connotations attached to it….. what with the whole “Superior Race” Hitler disgusting Rubbish…. but it’s not for others anyway…. its for ME!!! And I know that’s not got ANYTHING to do with it!!!! So yes!!! Might have a possible name happening but no solid choices made!!! Lol.

            Okay J…. i shall write more soon!!!

            I hope you have had a wonderful day and now night!!!… and i hope you wake refreshed and ready for a work day ahead!! Xxxx

          38. Poetic_Me says:

            Okay CJ, I will refrain from the pic of her, as the C bomb, should not be an every day occurrence, but a strategic maneuver when something comes along to counter your own destruction, of self esteem, health and joie de Vive. C bomb, that is a excellent term though, for when you feel angry.
            That story is interesting. If you doodled that’s in your journal during therapy, I can only imagine the intensity of the session and perhaps release of anger…I don’t think you hate women, I think you hate what one woman has done to you for many years and you know coming ho terms with it all. Do you think it is hatred? It might feel that way inside at times. You were point out thoughts to the sky, the infinite Universe, that we asked why to. As only the universe could answer such a question, but even better, you can answer it too. I am sure in any it made you laugh as well.

            Yes. That is a great idea on the tattoo, bondage…enslavement….freedom….wonderful, it adds a personal dynamic for you as well. I think being able of more over online her and identity with her, will enhance the sense of empowerment you receive from. Her being on and with you.
            The remainder of being chained/ shacked, is a great idea….it is I think reminders that we remain strong and don to fall back to old ways….if someone chains us to them, they do not love us, we are slaves, property, we are things to them….she will be a testament for you.

            I don’t think it is weird at all. What makes you weak in someone else m is always a personal thing….so as she is your temptress she should be tempting when she is seen, even by you.
            This is more weird, everyone has fantasies, you know dress up fantasies. Well. My dress up fantasy for a man, is him dressed in a circa 1920s chauffeur uniform, the hat, the gloves, the boots, the jodhpurs like pants, the jackets with the buttons…..that he picks me up in a car, dressed that way, I sit in the back, seat after he stands and open the door for me….and well the rest of that fantasy….continues in my mind, no man would ever do it, they refused to dress I that costume….D said he would, but he said he would do a lot of things, offered a lot of things and never did them. What does HG call it future faking!
            CJ. Have you ever received a reply I the Hgs email addy? I nevr have, I posed a question on blog, if anyone ever got a reply. Mine were never returned from. March, so assumed the email was defunct?
            The name change, the stress part was bothering me…the idea, I might be seen as a mistress, several things really. Another reader listed off a whole number of ideas, since I enjoy poetry so much, she suggested that and it was the one I actually liked. Even though, HG won’t allow me to post poetry, they always get deleted off my replies. But, I suppose that is a better name then one denoting me being stressed from D.
            Well yes when I hear the word Arayan, that immediately comes to mind. But that is simp,y connection to past history. The a princess bit detracts for That message. For me anyways. Add an extra r…Arrayan….but, as you said it is for you and you know it is not related to that. Tbh, I doubt many would even make that connection. Most people,e tend to be unaware of such things. You like, so you choose it .
            I worked last night, so I will be sleeping soon CJ, I saw you replied so wanted to reply back before sleep.
            So we will be sleeping at same time today.
            Have a peaceful and quite sleep.

          39. CJ*03 says:

            Why goodmorning J!! I just wanted to send a very quick reply now just yo clear yp the whole misogyny issue lol…. by NO MEANDMS WHATSOEVER do i hate women!!!…. very much so the opposite…. i LOVE THEM!!! TOO MUCH!!! hahahaha. Her, however….. well you may right in saying that i dont hate her…. however, whatever i am feeling towards her right now…. it certainly would be wise for her to hyst remain as far away as possible!!! Im not usually this sort of person…. i dont often feel this way about people!! I swing between feeling nothing at all to anger and back. This is a hood sugn as far as i can see it as the nothing whatsoever are becoming more and more frequent!!! Lol

            But NO….. NO HATRED OF WOMEN!!! I AM LOVER….. NOT A FIGHTER J!!! 😉 hahahaha

            I shall write more later when i get the chance!!! I hope work is treating you well xxx

          40. Poetic_Me says:

            Hi CJ
            I am trying to reply to messages from you, I m having reader issues again. But I want to reply as you have sent these while I was away from blog.
            No, I don’t think you hate women, I know you love them. I know what you wrote in your journal during therapy was a deep emotion at the time. Relating specifically to one person. I know you feel anger inside and it needs to expressed I. Any or some form I order to be released. I did not think for once you hate women in general in any misogyny manner.
            Have you heard anyhting, via text, email or in person? If not. This is good friend now. She will surface again, but. A quiet time In between is what you need. Xx

          41. CJ*03 says:

            Hi again J!!
            I jave just sat down again with another few mins to spare again and thought i would tackle the rest of this reply!! (Hoping STILL, to get to others over the next 2 days while i am not as distracted with other things!!!).

            I am certainly entertained by dress up fantasy J…. not the usual i must admit but im all about each to their own and all that!! I am sure there is a wee bit of quirkiness in ALL of us!! AND, i like to personally believe that if someone truly loved you (or me, or anybody else!!), then whats the harm in doing a little role play for the one you love??!! I would CERTAINLY be more than happy to role play for my partner if i knew that was what they really wanted and yes… because seeing the response from them….. TOTALLY MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT!!!! So yes… hopefully when you meet the right bloke, he will be the one willing to don the chauffeur’s hat for you J…. perhaps hire the car and all!! 😉
            (Seriously… what harm comes from doing this for you, the woman they love?? I assume for D is was large part control for him, as well as him refusing to let himself be caught looking like “that”….. ego much D??!! Lmfao!!! Dont let that fantasy go though J, your chauffeur will arrive in due time!!!).

            I am really glad to hear that you like the idea of the shackles and having one still attached to my arm!!! Its proving to be slightly harder to actually get an image the base it on life with her…. but im sure that wont cause a problem…. i have complete faith in my tattooist!! Actually, it was really great today… i ducked out to chemist for 5mins and while I was in line, a girl who was sitting about a metre and a half from me says “excuse me…. i just wanted to say that that is really awesome tattoo!!!” Speaking of my warrior goddess!!… naturally i went into telling her that she will be getting finished tomorrow and told her what was left to do. And yes…. she said that it was fantastic… it was actually more art to her than what you see in majority of tattoos!! So i was pretty stoked with that…. how could i not be!!! Hahaha.

            So yes…. come tomorrow arvo at 1pm, i will be jumping up to get my Goddess finished and as much of my shackled arm as we can!! Then next sitting will finish the arm and do Temptress put line as well!!! So yes… getting there!! Hahaha. Plus…. if i am being honest…. there is also a certain amount of “emotional release” that comes for me with getting Tattooed. Its very much akin to cutting behaviours…. and its considered “healthy” and acceptable!!! Lol. Last time was a 5 hrs sotting and i actually left feeling exhausted and relaxed…. like a weight had lifted and yes… i had purged much of the pent up emotion within me. Its yes, the same sorts of feelings that come with self injurious behaviours but it was on a much larger scale because it was 5hrs worth!! As much as i would like for this not to be the case…. that i still find such releif (of sorts!) In that physical pain stuff…. i wont deny thats the case…. and sadly… part of me is actually looking forward to this!! Not that its the same sort of things as last time considering im feeling very free of L now…. there is still a WHOLE LOT going on… trying to regulate emotions that i have not felt to this magnitude before (e.g. feedom itself from L… and in particular, the mammoth, severely rapidly cycling highs and lows that come with having those “distractions” that I talked about last week or week before!!! This is the 1st time i can remember, too, trying to manage these feelings “alone” in regards to not being medicated with antidepressants and antipsychotocs etc. So its definately quite intense for me at the moment, any given day resulting in a minimum of at least 7 or 8 mood changes…. usually more though!!! I actually had a friend comment: “oh…. i see the joker C has come back out!!! How many C’s have I met so far…” followed with her rattling of 5 different distinct “characters” if you will. Thats the intensity of the shifts in mood…. its like my whole self changes. Mood, way i think, way i percieve things, way i communicate (the way i write messages etc), my whole demeanor changes dependant on that driving “character”. Its honestly quite exhausting!! Thankfully the highs seem to maintain my energy levels to a degree that i can function etc with such small sleep as well!! When the negative characters take over, i start to feel extremely tired and drained…. but when the positive come back, it seems like sleep isnt needed ever again lol!!!
            But yes… enough on that!!

            I am very much in agreeance with you, J, about reminders. That yes… if we keep them around, they help us to remain strong and im hoping that my broken shackled arm will do just this. Remind me that its okay to love yes, but to never again give away so much of myself that another can have that sort of power over me!!

            Oh…. i cant remember if i ended up typing you anything last night… i know I had planned too!! L decided to start games over the weekend… at LEAST 10missed calls from a “private” number on the saturday and the more than 30 yesterday. Oh well…. i didnt answer any… just hit reject or let it ring to my message bank!! (More Proof to the fact that it was her… ANYBODY else trying that desperately to get a hold of me, would have left a message at least once!!! Lol. Plus my sister did answer it once and of course, who ever it was, hung up!!! Which then made me realise that for quite a few months now, i have actually been recieving around 2 or 3 private number phone calls most weeks. So i dont know if that has possibly been her all along??! But it wouldnt surprise me if it was!!!

            How has the return to work been for you J??! Do you feel that your taking on work with your renewed energy and positivity??!

            I hope that all is well J and i shall attempt more writing in the morning!! (Provided im not too busy finalising the parts that I can for the adjustments to tattooes/shackled arm!!! Lol). If i dont get to write then, it will still be over the next 2 or so days… like i said, ive got a wee lul in whats going on so yes…. great timing to jump back on top of everything!!!

            You take care J and look after yourself!!
            P.s. i can completely understand you changing your screen name from what you said. Im glad your happy with the new name and i know id be very interested on day to hopefully have a chance to read some of your poetry! I think it would be excellent!!!

          42. Poetic_Me says:

            Hi CJ
            I agree, obviously I the role playing idea, my ex husband liked me to dress up, I enjoy dress up so it was mutual that way. I like scenarios as well, D was more into those, we both agreed sex should be adventurous and passionate. Yes. If he loved me. Which I now know he didn’t, so he only did the things he wanted to and not the things I wanted him to do. I suppose that might be a bit demasculati g to wear that u firm, I am sure the men fi that time didn’t think so, I am simply born in the wrong time, I am certain of it. Yes, the right man will do it, one day.
            I think sex should be fun, laughing during sex shouldn’t be a faux pas.

            Cool on someone commenting On the awesomeness of Your Goddess. Is she done now CJ? I understand what you say about the pain of tattoing, I think it is a healthy release of those feelings and substitute for cutting, especially during this emotional time for you. It is beneficial, plus it absorbs so much of those emotions for you, that you can distract for the other feelings. Regarding your friends and commenting in the various aspects if your personally, I am sure they do change based in the highs and lows you experience, I find it rude when others comment in such a way that presents another as I the wrong or differnt. We all have moods a. S emotions, based I. Situations, people and ourselves, sometimes emotions can get the better of us and need to be regulated. Just be who you are in each moment. It doesn’t matter what others think.
            I see about missed calls and hang ups, I m sure she is a fault there. Not even the guts to do it with her own number, why? Because she knows it is harassment…..and can be charged in such…..tsk tsk. Childish behaviour. I hope it stops, as you can’t even block such numbers. Hoping all is well this week CJ.
            Remember things will improve, they already have and will continue to do so for you.

          43. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you J!!
            I am just awake breifly between small sleep bursts of about an hour and a half – 2hrs at a time. Should get 1 more in tonight so thats good!! I feel rested when i wake from these…. its later in the morning and then the arvo for me that become very tiring…. especially when yes… you are starting your day at 1 – 2am!! Lol.

            Anywho….. the point of that little waffle was to say that i wont reply in full now….. i shall wait until i wake again after next sleep burst and where i can give your reply my full, undivided attention!!… i dont lie to reply properly until yes…. i can your message the time and attention i feel it worthy of!! I will also attempt to go back and hit you back on the posts to me that ive not given you my due attention for!!!… i am not pleased with myself for having not given you the time and respect your deserving of AND that i SHOULD give to you in return gor you showing me the same!! There are reasons for my lack of attention although i dont think it acceptable as i do prode myself of behaving a certain way…. especially when it comes to someone like yourself who has actually done nothing but treat me like a real genuine person who could actually be truly worthy of some of your time!!… this is a rare feeeling for me as ive spent so many years of person after abusive person who has buried some very deeply rooted self beliefs of not the most positive of kinds!!! So yes…. im hard on myself about this as i really do not like that ive been “slack” with someone so wonderful is slowly helping me to attempt to try and challenge those negative self views!!!

            So given this…. please do know that i will try harder to reply in full…. including to the message that this reply is too.

            Thanks J for your never wavering support and belief in me!!…. it truly does make a difference to me and impact on me in such real and raw ways!! Much love J xx

          44. CJ*03 says:

            Ahhh ok…. i shall start back here for the moment as promised lol!!!

            Yes….. i must admit…. i too am open to some dress up and role play lmfao!!! And i agree with you…. sex should most certainly be adventurous and passionate…. and YES…. FUN!!! you should most definately feel compfy enough with that person tp be able to laugh (BUT ALSO, on the reverse of that, i think ypur pastner should also be able to have that wild, all consuming, animalistic type sex with you…. serious, all over each other type thing with such desperation that you NEED each other so severely….. the type where you cant get enough of each other!!!). To put it simply i spose…. sex should not become a chore for you and your partner!!!

            When it comes D and the whole he never did the things you wanted…. only what he did… L was the same!! Sex was her weapon!! She would even go as far while im in Brisbane and she is still living a good 18hrs drive away!!…. but yes, she actially picked upa male f*ck buddy!! And of course she made sure that this conversation came up where and when possible!! When i forst got talking to her again after she had driven me into psych ward, it was in the way of “i have got a friend here, Warren, and we f*ck. You need to know this. You need to know that i can and i WILL see him for a good hard f*ck whenever i want to and as often as i want to!!…. i just dont know if i could ever truly give up d*ck for good hey?!!!”. Please excuse the blunt language…. this is more or less a direct quote lol. Im sure you can see the few underlying messages in that one!! Lol. Then othertimes she would bring up how a woman with a trim, fit, firm body with a 6pack would drive her wild… “someone with a figure like your cousin!!”… my cousin is actually a body builder and Aus champion weight lifter… i believe she is actually starting to compete internationally in her weight division?!! So yes, you can imagine the sort of physique she has (actually, TBH, its the kind of physique that i personally find unattractive in women… even men who get TOO muscular and what not!!). Again… im sure you can guess the effect she was trying to have on me – who is built like a bouncer of a club lol!!! – when she made these sorts of statements, often!!! So yes… sex was nothing but a game and a weapon to her!! And even on the occassions where we did get “together”….. she was exceptionally greedy about recieving pleasure moreso than giving….. no real surprise there either hey??!!!

            Anyhow…. i can see what your saying about perhaps it being a little demasculating to dress in your chauffeur’s outfit…. but again, i still believe that when the time comes, and you meet aan who you love and and who genuinelly loves you in return… he wont care so much about this!! Hopefully he would be secure enough in himself that this wouldnt cause a drama!!….. unlike D who had a certain image to uphold im sure!!! I dont know if D ever lauded sex over you in the way that L did??… im guessing its possibly harder for a man to use sex to his advantage in the same way a woman seems to be able too!!!

            Yes…. very awesome about others loving my tattoo but never fear…. when they have asked the Duckman (yes….. one of his names lmfao!!! His name is Ducky….. lmfao!!!), if that image is taken… he shuts them down very quickly with a yes followed by making it clear that her owner would not be very happy with him if he replicated her one of a kind, truly unique tattoo onto another!!! So no… he wont give it too anybody else… he just wanted to tell me how he has had soooo many people he has worked on since we started her and he pinned the pic up on his board for reqular refrence, comment about how amazing she is and ask if she was already taken by someone!!! I think thats awesome!!! How so many people are admiring my design!!! I wonder if my temptress will have the same effect??! I think there is something quite unique about my warrior goddess and hopefully the same will be said for my temptress… simply because when you think of tattooes of women, you instantly picture half naked, if not more, women who are pised in a “naughty” manner per se!! Where as my goddess… she is strong and alive and ready kick the lights out of anyone who tries to stop her!!! (I think you said you had google the base image of her when i told you about that picture??!!). But no… i trust Ducky and trust he will never re-ink he on another!!! He is extreamely good in this way!! Plus… its a point of pride for him too!!

            Im glad you can understand the substitute for cutting… the pain associated with tattoiing, that i was trying to explain!!! It is definately a healthy outlet compaired to cutting!! And yes…. exactly as you have written J… during a time of such high and intense emotions of all kinds!!! It most certainly does absorb for me!! And yep… once again when i left after 3 hrs of tattooing this time, i fet lighter, calmer, and just relaxed to a point. I actually had the best night aleep after that, than i have had since my sleep became problematic again… what is it… maybe 4 weeks ago now???! Yea… i slept HARD that night!! Got about 6 and a half hours in total too so thats amazing in itself!! Haha. But yes… im sure that sort of paints abit of a picture of the release that must be involved for me throughout the tattooing process?!!… it must really, by the sounds of it, reach down pretty deep in me and yes, release certain much more deeper held pent up feelings etc.

            I understand what your saying about my friend making that comment about the personalities. I know she did not mean it in any sort of offensive or rude or any negative way whatsoever!! She is simply not that sort of person!! I actually talked it through with with my therapist yesterday and she didnt like the sound of it at first either TBH… she said it wasnt helpful at all but then i explained the ways in which i actually did find it useful to hear!! And it also ended up coming to light that despite this person seeingbthese facets of me, she is still here, still pushing to get to know and get closer to the “real” Courtney!! I mean…. ive been blunt enough in my lows to tell her to leave!… go…. cant you see i will be bad for you??! Go while you can!! But yes, she just choses to not even feed this part of the BPD by not even acknowledging this comment or others like it!!! She doesnt address them whatsoever!! (Feed me = as my therapist phrased it lmfao!!!). So yes… its actually a good thing ultimately because it proves to ME that despite her seeing some of the not so great parts to me…. she is sticking in here and isnt planning on running!!…. something i am so very much so not used too!!!! And i will most certainly be taking your advice here J… im actually going to take a screen shot of it, print and put up somewhere I see it every single day… multiple times a day….. that “Just be who you are in each moment… it doesnt matter what others think!!”. I might have to chop and change with my laptop actually so that I can have 1 whole message saying basically… To CJ, …… those words along with any other bits i find from things you have said to me that might be very useful!!! And the ofcourse…. From J (something to this effect anyways….. ireally like the idea of at least having the from you, or some form of you sogning off to show who wrote it to me!!!). And yes… then ill put that up on my cupboard where i must see it daily!! Re-read and re-read over and over and over again!!! Cheers J!!

            And yes…. how gutless of L… right???!! Balls up you stupid wench and ring from your own damn number… or better yet, as you said either here or in the other msg i read this morning… leave a message as say what you want to say… so that we can both go back to exsiting without the other lol!! I couldnt care less what she has to say in a messae!!… i would listen to it…. sure…. purely because id like to see what road she is taking…. what manipulation she is going to attempt to use!!! Hahaha. Like a social study as such hahahaha!!!

            Well i think i covered everything here lol…. i shall try get a reply done to your other message today also!!!

            I definately do want to reply because thats the one where you have td me about the abuse your being subjected too from one of D’s lieutenants i believe??? Because he cant get close enough himself!!!

            I was quite upset at reading that your having to deal with that!!! Please know my love and best wishes are with you always J!! You have the stregth and the fortitude to do this!!… i believe in you completely!!!

            Always here for ya mate!! – Courtney xx

          45. CJ*03 says:

            Ahhh…. look at this… less than 2 mins to go on the clock for her to text!!!!! Ahahaha…. OH…. HANG ON… THATS 1…. OOOHHH and fancy that sh*t!!!….. Time is UP!!! she didn’t stick to the time frame given…… who would a guessed hey??!!!! Hahaha

            Oh well…… thats that!!! No skin of my nose!!! Hahaha. I’m feeling quite good actually!!! No need to worry about that face to face anymore!!! I am sure that this is only the start of her big game no doubt….. little does she realise that its the end of mine!!! No excuse will be accepted…. even when she tells me no doubt that the baby boy has been so sick that they have been up at the hospital and blah blah!!!


            I am ready to handle whatever is thrown my way…. including already having the local cop shops phone numbers in my phone!!! So yes…. let her try. Whatever! I dont care!!! Lol.

            *** Just thought id give a wee status update to you J, Blood & Thunder, Leilani, and of course, the one and only master of all games (lmfao 😉), HG!!!!

          46. Miss_stress says:

            Hi CJ
            Thank you, I only used Jana here when I still had hope for D, that was back In March when he hoovered me after a 2. 5 month silent treatment. I prefer J, several close friends actually call me J and a client I used to work with with D.I.D. One of her alters, two year Old girl used to call me J,as she couldn’t say my name…most can’t pronounce it anyways… funnily that is where name started as friends from Work began using it too. D hated it, he would nevr use it.
            Funnily, another alter would call me Wednesday, as she thought I looked like Wednesday Addams…pale , dark hair, blue eyes. I liked the reference. She was challenging with so many alters ( 9, male and female, ranging In ( Age from Two to fifties)and host personality unaware of every one of them, the goal was integrating personalities. I heard years after I worked with her and she left the Agency, she had integrated many alters.. She was so creative….so few staff could work with her , based on triggers for her and numerous alters. i was one of few who could work with all personalities. Staff would not relate to personalities as being different and according to ages, I did…I played ball and street hockey with the boys, made a skating rink with the girls, Drew and colored with the the children….outside therapy sessions…it. Amazed how ignorant some professional individuals can be that they can’t see past themselves or their degrees and relate to others on a common level…why I place such high emphasis on communication and listening to others…. My supervisor at time feared burnout and transferred me, not at my request, as previous staff had suffered burnout, I explained to him to wouldnt happen to me. But, some think they know best. No one would work with her after and she left Agency,….
            Are you familiar with disassociative disorder, CJ? Sorry for my tangent, I wanted to give background in nicknames and it related to a certain individual , why I gave certain details.
            Long story….lol…so, yes, J is good.

            Well well on L, I had hoped she might have responded, all about control for that one. Was probably still in how dare you time line me….will try to contact stating , lost or stolen or broken phone….nevr got message, can you tell if she read them? You were very specific and clear In that message….so, now prepare.for the fallout of her potential rage, pushing your emotional buttons and boundaries. She wants control back, no doubt. She wants it on her terms , not yours, why she ignored your messages to meet.
            I wouldn’t even message her again, as far as your concerned she choose to miss deadline and chose the co sequences of doing so. Her choice. Her doing.

            That’s wonderful news on the job, congratulations. I am sure the relief of L being unburdened for you and your distractions, helped push You In the direction for more change, positive change.
            Thank you for saying what you did CJ, I never really did anything, other then listen to you and say what I think. You made all the decisions and choices on your own. You should feel very proud of doing so. This situation and relationship has been a barrier to you for many years and it took emotinal strength to proceed with this. You took the information you learned and applied it properly…..for your own benefit….next step….no contact. New job, new sense of confidence and self esteem and maybe. A new relationship, down the road..the possibilities are endless when unshackled from an abuser….a weight has been lifted from you. As you know she is not done yet, but you a s you said can contact police, DVO, have support of those close to you…..a smear campaign cannot hurt there, as you said….so that removes some of her power. Let us hope, she will also move away and remove proximity to you.
            I enjoy chatting with you. And I do know if I needed support and assistance you would advise me as well. One of the best things we can do for another, is hear them and listen and advise them if they seek it. It is nevr a burden or a waste of time….it is a joy. That’s how I see it. I can get so wrapped up in my own thoughts and you helped me move away form that thinking…so that there has helped me as well..I always appreciate your kindness and even though all this with L, your wonderful and positive attitude. Your thoughtful in asking about my day and my situation.
            That warrior was always within, you just found her again.
            I am home again…..we went on A whale watching cruise today. First time for my daughter, she was excited…she has nevr seen a whale so close, I love when then breach, not just see their fins or tails.p as they swim under the boat…my friends daughter, she is 18…she was scared on the boat, doesn’t like the water, so it was brave of her to go, after she said she had such fun. It was long day and drive home, so I am tired. I work again tomorrow evening….it was nice to get a way for a bit. It seemed to go by so quickly.

            Let us keep our fingers crossed, L does not Hoover again anytime soon and you can relax and enjoy life once again…..if she does text or email or call…ignore as you can.

            Sorry for my tangent on nicknames….I was thinking when I discussed if the girl I used to work with. It is nice to think and remember kindly on people, so as having a memories moment whilst discussing it.
            I combined two message replies here. I am hoping I am not missing messages to reply to.
            Have a wonderful day CJ xx

          47. CJ*03 says:

            So what lovely adventure do you find yourself off on today J?? (I’ve referred back to calling you J after trying Jana…. i cant seem to find myself feeling compfy calling you Jana when you said it was D’s nickname for you!!! Lol… i dont want you to think i do not have but the utmost respect for you!!!). Plus I have this thing with wanting to either call people by their name or a nickname THEY like etc so yes… i have gone back to J!! Lol… your more than welcome however to call me Courtney, Courtney, Courtz, CJ, All mighty CJ, God’s gift to Women CJ, ahh… or almost anything else you want to… ill still reply to it A HAHAHAHA!!!).

            Anyhow… im curious… you do not happen to fall on the 22nd of April do you???!! Lol!!

            Anyhow…. i actually applied for a new job while was was doing things yesterday which is not something I would have even felt secure in my ability to do if L still had her claws dug right in!!!

            Its amazing how it feels some incredibly freeing even though I am well aware of the fact that it is not over!!… not for her anyhow!!!

            I on the other believe firmly in the fact that it’s over and that anything she may yet throw at me are nothing but nuances in the way of finalising this ending!!! Lol. It truly feels like i can breathe again… ive ripped of her collar of ownership and shoved it down her throat so to speak!!! I feel fantastic for having sent her the message I did with the time lines etc… and i just wanted to once again thank you, J for that!! If it had not been for you talking with me so in depth about it all and helping me to see the things i needed to do etc (like exactly this… lay down firm boundaries etc!!!).

            I do hope that I too am able to provide you with some form of assistance through us writting one another…. i hope I help you at least a fraction of the amount of which you help me!!! And i hope you know that should you find yourself in need of support…. i am around and you can always write me!!

            Cheers J and have another splendiforous day away!!!

            – Courtney xxx

  5. nikitalondon says:

    Jana icant find anymore the post where you say that you write poems. Would you mind to share one of your favorites 😃😃?

    1. Miss_stress says:

      Good timing, I wouldn’t have even seen this message if it didn’t show up as post on blog when I was going to reply to article.
      I posted CNs poems and several of mine awhile back, they might have been deleted, Nikita. I am not certain.
      Did you mean a poem I wrote or a poem written by someone else that I enjoy? I don’t think HG would permit me to. I often try to include poetry in my posts. As well as quotes and lyrics that I find relate to the articles.
      That is nice to ask, Nikita, thank you, that made me feel happy.
      I am off again soon, out for day, will pop back to blog tonight for a bit.
      Wishing you a most lovely day.

  6. Clary says:

    Although you are too old for me remind me never to fall for you although it was never in my plans how clever for me for I ya E learned from your kind oh so delicately that I’ve been raised by your kind that’s why I keep distance and carefulness people like you don’t scare me I’ve been too close to death too many times and I’m not afraid of you rather more effective in my own salvation . I’m not surprised at this behavior my mother was far worse than you with the exact same frame I’m too brilliant to fall for that strategy there’s a saying if you want to kill someone plan on dying I don’t plan to kill anybody but I have learned that death as far as that and people like you who could be criminals which is my case don’t scare me at all deep inside as you behave in this way I’m laughing hysterically as this behavior I find pathetic poor of cowards to have to go and scare their victims to get power because they can’t get one of their own insecurity that power you refer is a false sense of security otherwise you wouldn’t be needed the “approval of your precious little princess victim” who indeed had more power over you than you of her because you fell with just one look you considered wrong in your twisted mind …. talk about codependence I security la k if healthy self esteem that’s why you need constant praise to feel good about yourself because your fuel is fake or should I say not effective that’s why you need it so constant because it dross appears too quickly with a snap of fingers now real joy love energy comes from genuine relation weather is with his or interactions with others cause if interdependence which can be confused with codependence two different things interdependence us the quality humans have if naturally needing each other we’re all born with it crazy or not normal or not narcicistic psychopath or not we’re all born with it is part of life weather you want it or not it was all created in the begginning. Now that’s the real truth experience is so much better than power because real healthy power comes from experience which healthily applied provides learning from life insight and a true transformation forever for the positive toodlio

  7. Clary says:

    Tudor regarding Courtney love so did Anna Nichole smith nuff said

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So Did Anna Nicole Smith what? Did she win a Golden Globe too?

      1. Clary says:

        No dear she was a classified ho ho ho just like Courtney I’ve many women fascade a good behavior but they’re just whites trust me I’m a woman and we can tell

      2. Clary says:

        I meant to say there are many who fascade being good but their whores no brain whores yuck

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Ok wow… should I be insulted then Clary??! Should I take what HG said as an insult??!

          HG…. you would not insult me would you??! I thought we were connecting HG??! lol

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You would know if I had insulted you.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            A hahahaha as i expected lol

  8. mlaclarece says:

    Jab your finger again, in the cake I lovingly baked for you with some TLC…you’ll be wearing it…on your trousers. Good thing I have some backup Petit Fours and ice cream for the guests.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Feisty. I like.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Fireball 😂😂😂 was funny to imagine the whole scene ending up with a smashed cake 😂😂😂.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is cake wars Nikita.

  9. centauride12 says:

    Spinechilling HG. Vividly descriptive and terrifyingly real. I felt I was actually there, I felt it from your perspective, the pain and the rage and then I felt it from the woman’s perspective, the fear and confusion. Although I now totally understand from a intellectual perspective why the narc behaves the way they do, I don’t think I will ever be able to fully empathise emotionally. I just feel sad that it is the way it is!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Centauride, yes the intention was to enable you to understand what is happening to me, to our kind at such a moment.

  10. 1jaded1 says:

    Amazing writing. It reminds me of one of the last parties I attended at exN2s. I drove in after work. It’s 300 miles. About half through I realized I didn’t have the key to his house. It was stolen with my wristlet. I called him and asked for him to leave the front door unlocked. He said he would. When I reached his house the front door was locked. I wasn’t chancing the back door bc there was a huge hole and no light. I ended up sleeping in my car. I’m sure you are rolling in amusement at at this point, HG. It’s fine. The next morning he was all, “that will teach you to keep better track of your things and you better not say a word to anyone.” I reminded him it was HIS key and anything associated with his addy could he linked to that key. Nonetheless, I attended his party and he kept whispering to me to mind my manners as he gave me pecks on the cheek. I only imagine how I would have felt in a devaluation period. I got a dig in the next day as I was leaving. I told him that I snuck away with his friend and told him about the trip in. If friend denied knowing anything, he was lying. In truth, friend snuck me away and asked what was going on. My responsse was that the drive was beautiful with the full moon and the peace. I didn’t tell him that reaching the destination was hell.

  11. Ellie says:

    I have a question that’s related to your post, and you seem like the best person in the world to ask…If I want to piss off a Narcissist that I cannot get out of my life because it is a family member, what can I do? That part of the family never comes to us, so we occasionally go there for tea or lunch. When we go there, the drama, whining and manipulation flow freely.

    What will piss off a Great Narc, as well as a mid-range Narc? In a very subtle way…almost to the point where no one else notices..

    Basically, how do you play a Narc at their own game….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Cutting of the fuel supply is the most effective step to infuriating and weakening our kind. Accordingly, this means no contact or if you must engage with them in some way, do so in an unemotional manner, remaining neutral, rejecting politely any offers of help or assistance they may issue.
      If you wish to progress beyond that I suggest you read Revenge.

      1. Ellie says:

        Thank you, HG

    2. cjhawkes03 says:

      Awesome question Ellie… one too I have been curious of!!!

      As always… cheers for the all knowing response HG!!! Much appriciated!!!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome CJ.

  12. cjhawkes03 says:

    Im just getting more and more knowledge from each and every post you put there HG!!!

    The N chick in my life would get almost just like this when i would do something that was considered as “upsetting” to her!!! She would also then be likely to go back out to that group at the table… choose another person (and not just another person but usually a male as an extra way of adding insult to injury…. the aim of this obviously to feinforce that he is a man therefore he can f@#k like a man unlike myself!!!… this is how it was interpreted by me anyway…. along with random comments here and there e.g. “i dont think i could ever completely give up dick!!”)…. and would then go ahead and flaunt herself and the fact that she could seduce and flirt with and even f@#k him (or even anyone else there) if she really wanted too and reinforcing to me that im just “lucky” to be the one she has chosen!!! What a privilege for me!!!!

    Thanks again for another informative and interesting read HG!!!

    1. Miss_stress says:

      She really worked hard at ensuring you would feel jealous and diminished self esteem around such sexual matters. Just another form of control, she must have felt she was losing control elsewhere to employ such ploys.
      She was triangulating with sex and gender….ie, I could have a man if I wanted one, see how they clamour after me, but hey, look, I want you, it smacks of implied threats, better behave or I will get with so and so. Watch yourself. Sometimes those who think so highly of themselves that way, really think so little of themselves, all ego posturing.
      Rather cruel, behaviour. Certainly would not leave you feeling safe in relationship or loved. Despite her claims of choosing you.
      This scenario speaks loudly to what you endured, CJ.

      1. cjhawkes03 says:

        Thanks Miss_stress… i had a feeling that could well be the case as i have reflected back on the situation over and over… that this was her feeling like her control had been slipping therefore employing another means to exercise that control!!! Specially with the use of the opposite sex in regards to devaluing me and belittling me etc!!! Thank you for pointing this out and other words you have written her too!!!

        I have written a few posts that mention that i am actually a BPD suffer so for me to have finally had my eyes opened to her is a pretty big step forward as i spent so long blaming myself for every single thing that was wrong along with letting her too blame me for everything also!!!

        Its taken a mixture of things to get my eyes opened finally but now that they are… i actually feel like an idiot for not accepting it or seeing it so much earlier!!! Things such as real friends here pointing out how wrong and cruel she was to me and then even leaving me this last time when i chose to go back to her…. AGAIN!!! She was the driving force behind me ending up at the psych ward for a nice 2week stay at the start of the year… they knew this!!! So then when i was choosing to go right back to her a month or 2 later… they couldnt fathom my decision and said that was it… they couldnt support me or be here for me anymore… then picked up and left!!! So there was that… several months therapy obviously with 2 seperate therapists, then things like me starting to realise that she was pucking fights with me everytime she thought something i said was insulting her or judging her when that was far from the truth indeed… it was me simply asking her Q’s to try understand the situations she was claiming to be in for example!!! However… now that they truly are opened… i dont think i would ever be able to be pulled back in by her in particular anyhow!!! I have never wanted away or to be done with something or someone more in my life than i feel about her now. No longer will she EVER be govin that level of power or control over me again!!!

        Im employing HG’s 3 advised rules as to what no contact really means… im erasing her in every way conceivable from my life and exiling her from my world!!! Im truly done. What she has subjected me to is pure cruelty and i REFUSE to put myself in a position to be on the recieving end of this again!!!

        Cheers again Miss_stress for more invaluable thoughts you have shared!!!

  13. Miss_stress says:

    Why did one person in a room of so many cause you to feel less? What if her supposed disinterest or Distain actually had nothing To do with you and related to something she was thinking at the time and that was what was reflected back to you. Her lost in the thoughts of her own life, as she told yiu when confronted.. Why does one matter so much amidst a sea of many. Why did you feel you couldn’t say, insert name, am I boring you, you do not seem to be enjoying your self tonight? Can yiu explain to me why? That does make you apoear less then magnificent to your guests. If you preceived this person to have slighted you. Then why not call attention to it right there, instead of privately. I agree, throwing a goblet at her head or smashing g at,ate over her, is over the top. But asking a legitimate question when you initially felt that fuel was lapsing was well within your right to do so,
    Wouldn’t it express more power to do such In front of the other guests , but in a controlled manner, sans heated fury? Or does doing it privately and thusly invoking fear within her,as opposed to shame at the table, create more potent fuel flowing towards you?
    Do you think she admitted fault out of fear and feeling threatened and cornered by you? I wouldn’t, if I knew I was not wrong, not even admitting it even through intimidation. I would apologize for having hurt your feelings or you feeling disrepected. If I did roll my eyes or I was bored, I would admit it and apologize rightfully. Otherwise, intimidate away. Example and point, I wrongfully thought something today, and an apology was given , because I admit I was wrong to say what I did. If I did not recognize through evidence I was wrong, then no apology could be given, as a false apology is worthless.
    This was different to your other articles, I really enjoyed it HG, wonderful writing and demonstration of how you experience fuel cessation and Incitation of fury.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It was the response of the primary source who ought to be providing the best positive fuel who has failed in her obligation.
      It is highly unlikely that the look of boredom would be to do with anything else. She is attending a dinner party where I am holding court, what else could cause such a treacherous response?
      I would not draw attention to this treachery by asking such a question as you pose for the purpose of risking further criticism. The prospect of the private provision of negative fuel whilst maintain the charade proves far more attractive.
      She admitted fault because she was at fault and she knew it.

      1. Miss_stress says:

        I must have missed she was the primary fuel source, aka partner. Then yes that does put a different spin on it now. I assumed, perhaps just an invited dinner guest, a close inner circle or family member.
        In the scenario imposed, where do you think further criticism may have been drawn, from her or other guests? Would they not applaud you for such a maneuver, based on their role as fuel sources?
        I do see how doing such in private, under the guise of being helpful to her in the kitchen, or so it might appear to onlookers, would benefit your facade.
        She was at fault for appearing disinterested when she should have been engaging and delightfully amused by your dinner table banter, yes. But, what of the eye rolling, did you fabricate that, knowing she would not be fully aware if she actually had done so. So she would doubt that behaviour and thusly, under intimidation and fear, admit doing so, when she most likely did not? As she denies it originally.

        Which is better fuel, admittance of wrong doing or the apology? As one can apologize with no admittance of wrong doing. So you have, I am sorry or I was wrong. You require the definative response to feel appeased, correct ?
        I wonder, for me the apology would be sufficient, it takes much more courage to recognize and admit one is wrong. But, to admit, not under duress or fear. HG can you admit under any circumstance you are or have been wrong? If you think back from childhood to today.

        What I enjoy so much about your writing is that always affords me the oppurtunity to think and reflect upon myself and others. He would apologize to me and admit he was wrong. Most often after an enraged fury, or a Jealousy. He would require me to accept his apology, as it was vital to him. Many times he refused to admit he was wrong or lied. But the times he did, unsolicited by me I might add, why do you think he did that?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The further criticism would be drawn from the primary source Miss S with the risk of her repeating her behaviour or something similar which amounted to criticism.
          Whilst those attending would include lieutenants and members of the coterie, there might also be other people who are not drawn from those two groups and therefore as you identify the maintenance of the façade would remain important. Even if all attending were members of the coterie they would support me but they would feel awkward with a public dressing down. A lesser might do so being unable to control the ignited fury, but I would be able to exert that control and apply it at a slightly later juncture, as you read, in the kitchen.
          Did I fabricate the eye-rolling? Did she actually criticise me or did I just perceive that she did? Did I add other behaviours to reinforce my righteous indignation or did I actually rely on the truth of what I saw unfold before me. All may be applicable to the behaviour of our kind at different times.
          The better fuel is the emotion that is attached with either the admittance of fuel or the apology. If you say sorry with tears trickling down your cheeks that is excellent fuel. If you mumble a muted apology there is not a lot of fuel in that.
          I know when I have been wrong but it serves no purpose to admit it – that is weak. Other times it is a matter of perspective and interpretation. A lot of the time I am right.
          The requirement for you to accept his apology is based on exerting control. The apology is offered in order to dupe you into thinking that you have secured his regret and an admission of wrongdoing. It is purely an artifice to create a false sense on your part. It will also cause him to think he can do the same again because the slate has been wiped clean by your acceptance of the apology.

          1. Miss_stress says:

            Thank you so much for explaining to me HG, so I can better understand the dynamics at play when you feel an ignition of fury and how you extinguish such.
            It isn’t weak to admit you are wrong to someone you trust who never perceives you as weak regardless of what you admit. Admitting such, I think it is strength, not weakness. It is pushing aside ones pride and ego to acknowledge the truth. I understand why you think it is weak, but not in my eyes, it commands more respect. I will always admit when I am wrong, if I am deemed. Weak then So be it. In admitting wrong, I then become right.
            In his apologies, he would keep repeating it until I literally said, I hear you and accept your apology. Otherwise, it was like we were stuck. Yes, it was a never about the apology for him, as it wasn’t genuine, it was for him only about my acceptance of it. To make him feel justified in his behaviour. So if I rejected his apology, it would be seen as a criticism and fury reignited? Brilliant, HG.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

  14. luckyotter says:

    This really was a masterpiece, HG. You leave your readers wanting more, more, more!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you LO

      1. luckyotter says:

        You really are a wicked good writer. Damn. I’m envious. (I know this is good fuel for you, HG but that’s not my intention in saying that).

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It’s all appreciated.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      More and more and more everyday!!! You said it. Such a magnificent writer ☀️☀️

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you.

  15. Just wanting to know says:

    I would like to ask your opinion. I really appreciate your blog and honesty . I was in an abusive relationship with a man 18 months. He was a young catholic priest . He told me he was leaving the priesthood to have a family. He wanted to homeschool . He made it seem like I was the girl of his drama. He would say the rosary with me daily and take me to weekly mass. He was over the top affectionate and acted as if I was his world. He was very needy and clingy.

    But then after a few months. His anger, rage and tantrums came out. He was possessive and paranoid that I would cheat. He would call me the worse names when we fought. Throw water bottles at me. Pushed me. And at the end of our relationship he actually held me down while raging at me and spit on my face. It was the most humiliating experience in my life.

    Earlier in our relationship when I would try and leave he would be hysterical crying and saying he would change. Which he never did. I want to know if you think he was a NPD or a borderline? He had a hard time keeping any job after he left the priesthood . He changed 4 jobs in 18 months. He couldn’t stand being home alone at all. And wouldn’t sleep alone in the house if no one was there. I felt like he maybe of been a little bit of each . BPD, NPD, and ASPD . He developed a gambling addiction the last 8 months of our relationship .

    He always wanted to be doing something . Going on trips or vacations. He talked in excessive baby talk and ate like a child. Fast food, junk food… Ice cream daily. His weight would go up and down. Either very thin or about 40 pounds over weight.

    He lied constantly . He came across very innocent, shy, almost as if he had asperbergers . He was socially awkward . Thank you for taking the rule to read this

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. Sounds like a lesser or mid range victim narcissist to me.

    2. cjhawkes03 says:

      Hi Just wanting to know…

      I felt the need to comment when i read this as someone who is diagnosed BPD!!! I can assure you that i would NEVER behave in the ways that you have described!!! I would not be able to live with the complete disgust in myself if i EVER treated ANYBODY like this!!!

      I am personally waiting to hear back from HG in regards to his opinion of BPD and NPD… if he thinks we are actually 2 sides of the same coin or not as im VERY curious to hear his opinion!!! Lol. Im still curiously awaiting your email reply HG…. please do be as honest as you can re. Your opinion lol!!! However yes… as someone with BPD… i can clearly and firmly say that i would NEVER EVER resort to treating another human being this way (even an animal… i would never spit on anybody as thats just the absolute height of disrespect!!!).

      I personally would end up in a vicious cycle of self inflicted pain as most likely as a way of trying to cope with the absolute disgust in myself if i had resorted to this!!! I am my pwn worst enemy in my BPD world. Im severely critical of myself and would put almost anybody elses needs before my own as more than anything… i crave affection, attention and to know ive been the cause of someone elses happiness. I will go to ridiculous lengths to please others regardless of the effect it could have on myself. I need the constant approval of those around me otherwise i doubt myself 24/7 and send myself mental thinking im not worthy of you!!!

      I cant soeak for EVERYONE who is a borderline obviously…. however i personally find it kind of offensive that people even think we are alike… the BPD and the NPD!!! Other than both of us suffering from a personality disorder… im not seeing a great deal in common!!! I would even happily start pointing out all the difference i can see so far (… and im also just starting to initiate no contact so i can begin to heal from an ex who i believe to be NPD!!!).

      Difference 1)… i can and will accept that i have a personality disorder 2) i strive to better myself and cure myself as such as I dont want to spend my life feeling like i do and being a victim to my disorder… 3) NEVER would i INTENTIONALLY go out to hurt another individual the way an N does… unless in the case that im in now for example where i could let the BPD take control and push me into needing to seek revenge againt my severely emotionally and psychologically abusive ex… 4) i am my own worst enemy… i dont believe myself to be better than ANYBODY else… in fact much the opposite… i believe i am worse than anybody else despite the fact that i am an extremely empathetic person who would 5) put anybody else before my own needs majority of the time… and the list could keep going!!!

      Thats sorta all i have the time to write now however so i will leave you with all of that to consider.

      1. Miss_stress says:

        CJ, I have read through your replies and we sound similar and in our reactions, though I am not BPD,I may rate low on spectrum. Due to abandonment issues, self esteem and intense emotions, but not on the other criteria of the disorder. I have several friends who are BPD and knowing me well, claim I am not BPD. But I will admit we seem eerily similar in how we relate and respond.ie. Self critical. Puts others first, pleaser, giver, need for approval, the emotional reaction to being ignored or silenced, guilt and shame consuming oneself when feeling we have done something or someone wrong, the Need to make amends ASAP, over worrying or stressing, ruminating, apologist. Yes, I see many similarities. What of the self harm and suicide ideation and attempts and addiction nature, sex, gambling, drugs, shopping etc…do these criteria of the disorder effect you? I have no addictions, I rarely drink, I do not smoke or do drugs or any of the other listed. I would say the N, the last one, seems to have an addiction nature to my connection to him, though. I have nevr self harmed or attempted suicide. But I admit, I do have thoughts of worthless and depression . Often centring around. Relationship issue, such as when my mother died and with behaviours by my N, my ex husbands. These are Only my thoughts, never a plan of action. but they can be difficult to Remove them from thinking at such times.
        Thank you CJ, for expressing such deep self evaluation and honesty.. Doing so, may be of great benefit to others, one never knows. I find immense value in the openness, as I am the same way.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          In regards to the self harm, suidal tendancies and addictive nature… i meet all these criteria perfectly!! Unfortunately… i have more self inflicted scars on my body than i care to attempt to count or even think about!!! I quite often have considered suicide in the past as my only way to “fix” the problems that come with being me and being involved with me. I have only had 1 seriouus attempt at going through with it however clearly… i was not successful lol!!! On 2 other occasions however… i have gone to hospital as a self protective measure to prevent suicide (might i add here too… that both trips to the psych ward were actually the result of me not being able to cope with the ex N and what she had done to me/how she has treated me!!! Lol).

          And addictive personality…. well… ive been a “functioning” alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, impulsive but compulsive spender, and the one that seems to have been my biggest downfall time and time again… is my ability to become addicted to people. As in… i get basically the same high from people as i get from drugs!!!… this ties in well with the borderlines issues when it comes to placing people on the “pedestal” and idealising them.

          I could try deny it but i just fit EVERY single one of the criteria all to well. They may not all be obvious at the one time. They can fluctuate in regards to whats showing and whats laying dormant for a period of time… but they all inevitably rear their ugly heads at some point or another!!! I am VERY determined though to do whatever it takes to get to the point that the BPD no longer controls me. Its already forced the demise of so much in my life… resulted in me hurting others, intense shame and guilt, and yes… all the other things you wrote about. I appriciate you taking the time to write that also as… while i wouldnt wish these feelings etc on ANYBODY else… i cant deny that it is nice to hear when people do understand rather than judge for example. I am sorry that you have do have to deal with the intense overwhelming feeling that you do as i know all to well how painful it is!!!

          And i am more than happy to have shared what i did!!! Your very right in that i have no idea who may end up reading this and gain some invaluable knowledge from it!!!

          And by no means am iattempting to take away from our almighty HG…. its just when i saw that particular comment asking if her ex was NPD or BPD…. i felt the NEED to say something and clarafy certain points.

          In regards to what HG has writen about intent… ok… fair enough. You can argue that you not act with the intent to hurt others. You do however act with the intent to manipulate and control those around you. I do not lol. In otherwords… ill happily argue with you all day when it comes to intent as while your intent may not be specifically to hurt anybody else… you do set out with the intent to behave in certain ways that inevitably lead to causing others untold pain!!! I set out with the intent to behave in ways that do the complete opposite… take away all the pain i possibly can from those in my life… it almost becomes like a responsibility to me to shield them and protect them from any possible source of pain. But cheers HG for pointing that out 😃

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed CJ and I see that you have raised the argument of causation. I agree and I accept that I intend to manipulate people in order to obtain fuel. The hurt (and let’s not forget the delight) which arises from that is as a consequence of the desire to achieve fuel. Hurting someone for the sake of hurting them is not the intention. Let me pose this for you.
            Let’s say I stab someone in the stomach. It is a serious injury but the person is taken to hospital and with a blood transfusion and medical care they will recover. That is guaranteed. The victim is a Jehovah’s Witness and refuses the transfusion and therefore dies.
            Who killed the victim? Was it me who injured them but not in a way that would kill them or was it self-murder by refusing to accept the blood transfusion? I would be interested to know what you think.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            VERY interesting argument indeed!! I dont personally prescribe to the same beliefs as Jehovah’s witness… nor do i understand completely the logic behind why the do things such as refuse life saving care. However… at the end of the day i suppose it comes down the fact that they would not have needed the transfusion full stop had they not been stabbed by you in the forst place!!! There would not have been any reason to deny life saving care as they wouldnt be there at all had they not been stabbed.

            Your thoughts??

            Causation is indeed a very interesting topic and one that could also bring about much debate and i would invite you to do a blog post on this and your thoughts.

            I do agree that we cannot forget the delight part of what you as the N brings to the relationship… however standing with the view point i now have… that delight does not out weigh the hurt that ive felt as a result of the N in my life. Being subjected to the never ending game with constantly changing rules brought on by the N… the ultimate result of which is undeniable emotional and psychological abuse which leaves my self esteem decimated, my self worth demolished, self confidence oblitered, all ability to love myself gone!!… that is just not worth re-entering this dance with her once again and feeling those few golden moments of delight!! By far is not worth it!!

            Your motives ulimately, are purely selfish… your driving motive behind your behaviour being to acheive fuel. Therefore no matter what way you look at it… all your behaviours ultimately, are selfish. You have no true underlying care or true concern for those you love… you CANT… well… actually… i even question your ability to “love” others. You will always act with the intent to obtain more fuel with no regard for how those actions impact on others. The Borderline however, will act with the intent to do nothing but please others and go out of their way to see that other person smile and laugh. While it could almost be argued that in a way… our behaviour is selfish too as its gets to the stage where our happiness becomes ALMOST contingent on said other persons happiness… wouldnt this then deem majority of society to be selfish when they “fall in love” and are acting in a way very much the same to the borderline however simply not feeling things to such a degree and burning intensity as what the borderline does??!! Also… conseration must be given to the fact that, While our happiness may be almost contingent on the other party being happy… that is far from actually being a concious factor at the time. When we are wrapped in the moment… all we can comprehend is that they are happy and so are we!! But then when are sad… were feeling it likes its all too real to us as well and our concious thought or desire at the time is tocrush the source of our loved ones pain and protect them from feeling that pain ever again.

            Cheers HG… interesting question that i look forward to hearing your respone too!!! 😉

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for your considered reply. Indeed they would not have needed the treatment if they had not been stabbed but their act is what ultimately resulted in their death,if they had not chosen their belief system they would have lived therefore it is that person’s fault for making that choice. This of course is the blame-shifting for which we are notorious but as with everything we do it has plausibility attached to it, so you could think, “well yes, he did stab her but she could have been saved and it was her decision not to accept the transfusion, so I can see how it could be regarded as her fault.”
            This is the type of approach we regularly adopt by looking to break the chain of causation. We know we bring about certain results but in order to maintain our lack of accountability and furthermore allow ourselves the freedom to do as we wish, it suits our methodology to attribute the effect to something else which has broken the chain of causation. Dealing with the stab example of course, the way around this would be to establish the doctrine that it is contrary to the public good to allow a perpetrator to rely on a belief of the victim to escape a more severe punishment and therefore where violence is committed, the perpetrator must take the victim as he or she finds that victim, religious beliefs et al. Thank you for your comprehensive observations, I enjoyed reading them.

          4. cjhawkes03 says:

            I enjoyed reading what you have written here too HG!!

            Cheers mate 😆

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Pleasure CJ.

      2. Miss_stress says:

        I have to reply off an earlier response. Thank you for further explaining. You are very open to discussing personal issues, as I am, I feel there is no shame in being honest about oneself. Mind you that is double edge sword, as individuals, such as sociopaths and narcissists, see that as an open invitation to abuse us to meet their own need. I have been faulted many a time for self honesty. I doubt. I will change as it is intrinsic to who and how I am.
        People as well have trouble with things they cannot understand and that is when judgement is often passed. Being uninformed and unaware can cause emotional harm to others as well. My friend self harms as well, cutting and has attempted suicide several times through overdose. It saddens me that they are not able to reach out prior to the self harm or attempts, but only after. Letting people know communication is always open when in need is important, not chastising, shaming or blaming following is vital as well, we all cope in the way that best suits us. Not all of coping mechanisms are healthy. As long as we are aware of when we feel In need and seek assistance through any channel possible. I hope through yourself and therapy, you can find other ways to deal with the pain you feel inside. The fact you can openly discuss such things is of tremendous value to you.
        Yes, you do seem to qualify under all BPD criteria of illness. Which in such situations regarding the N, it must be incredibly stress inducing and like an emotional tornado whirling within.
        Like I said in other reply , being proactive, planning things out in advance of her move you can help diminish some emotional fallout.
        HG! Is a veritable wealth of Information, on all areas and topics. Heed his advice as issues occur and take action as required to stay safe and N free.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Thanks Miss_S for your reply! I will most definately keep heading the advice and knowledge etc from HG as he is just a wealth of info! I havent missed reading a post yet since i signed up lol.

          I have spent a long time in out of therapy… i got to a certain point where i stopped going to therapy because i kept getting passed on from 1 person to the next as they would keep putting me with therapists not capable of handling my level of issues and history etc… i kept getting labelled “too hard” and placed in the too hard basket!! So yea… i threw my hands up in the end and just stopped going for years. In that time… id bottom out and need referal to a psychiatrist once every 18months or so… id have a few appointments, a medication change or 2 then go again without seeing anyone. I am however back in regular therapy now with 2 seperate therapist (one is a psychologist and the other is more specialised in her particular area of issues). Started seeing the psych after my 2 week “holiday” at the psych ward in January and started seeing the specialist therapist about a month ago… its a standing weekly appointment at same time and day every week which is awesome… they are both wonderful!!! I am starting to learn other coping mechanisms which is great however im not quite at the point yet where the urge and desire to inflict harm upon myself has fully subsided… nor do i know if that feeling ever will completely fade… i know all to well the feeling of releif and like a massive weight has lifted that comes with cutting myself. It does unfortunately feel like such a quick and easy way to feel a great surge of releif from everything hurting so badly!!! … however there is a vicious cycle that can come with starting again… there is the first time you cut in many months (even years… ive gone for years inbetween my cutting at times)… then the releif… sleep… then get up for a shower in the morning… see the cuts… feel intense guilt and shame which then drives you back to repeating the behaviour that next night!!! And so the cycle begins!!

          I am generally quite open to sharing my issues like yourself as yea… if i can be a source of info or comfort or anything to anybody else… then thats awesome!! I know simply through reading things that other people have written for example… i can find compfort in knowing im not alone. So if i can do that for ANYBODY else… then thats fantastic!! But yes… i do have to keep my mind open to the fact that there are many many people out there who lack the understanding or are uniformed as you said, and voice their own not so kind opinion. But hey… each to their own and freedom of speech and all that stuff lol.

          In regards to reaching out before resorting to self harm… i find it quite difficult just coz ive had some very harsh things said to me when i have reached out in the past… its really made it hard at times to reach out. Plus there is also the fact that realistically… i dont have very many friends that are close enough to me that i would likely talk to them about that (Unfortunately another “side effect” persay of having BPD and doing the whole putting someone up on the pedestal thing… kinda socially isolate myself almost when i have someone on the pedestal as my world becomes very much so about that person). And then when those people leave for whatever reason… like the situation im finding myself in at the moment and have been since hospital in Jan… im left with some friends like my work mates… but no one close enough to me that i would speak to them about that sadly.

          I completely agree with what you have written about that openness and honesty being a double edge sword to individuals such as sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths. They most definately see it as an invitation to abuse. And now that im reading much more about it through HG’s blog and HG’s books etc, its opened my eyes to not just this ex… but the plethora of women before her too!! And yes… as you have also said… it is VERY stress inducing and feels very much so like an emotional tornado whirlwind when the BPD is taken into account when dealing with the N. Especially as she is well of the BPD and knows exactly what to do to push the BPD buttons so to speak. She is also well aware that as an individual with BPD… i feel ALL my emotions on severely intense extremes. So this is a real asset for her… an extra bonus as such. Makes it much easy for her in many ways e.g. blame shifting… makes it very easy for her to blame things on me and make me feel like im crazy because i have a mental illness etc… she knows i will internalise everything and take that blame even for things that realistically… they couldnt be my fault!! But id take it and beat on myself severely to the point of self harming etc. Thank god through therapy, and the friends and family i do have…. some how, someone/a mix of people, have finally managed to get through to me and open my eyes to her true nature and to get me to see that this time it’s not me!! AND in the past ona few occassions also… i can now see it was not me then either!!! And now that i can see that… i am like you as well in that i need the knowledge… such as soaking up everything HG has to offer… so that i can really understand her and others behaviour and treatment of me. It gives me the oppourtunity to now be able to move on as i can understand why she deemed her behaviour of me in certain ways to be acceptable. THANK YOU to the wonderful HG for that insight!! Its truly appriciated.

          I also appriciate immensly, the insight and wisdom im gaining from you sharing your thoughts and experiences with me too Miss_S. Truly is appriciated.

          1. Miss_stress says:

            I am off to sleep soon Cj, off a work night shift. Wanted to reply before sleep. Sorry HG, lots more for you to moderate.
            Yes, I agree we nevr know what we experience if shared might help another who feels the same but cannot voice such. We all need are havens to express and be ourselves and feel accepted and understood.
            I would say you and I emotionally release and react I the same manner to others. I think where you self harm, I self deprecate instead, self blame, inert analyze and ruminate to an unhealthy emotional state.I take In Negative energy of others readily, internalize and in doing so remive it from others, but then leave myself no outlet to release it so it stays with me n till it disipated. If this makes any sense at all. D knew this about me, and used it well for his deceptions and blame and guilt. In fairness, he didn’t force it upon me, I willingly took it from him. I absolved him through myself. I sometimes wondered if that was why he nevr discarded me, he knew through all his manipulations and machinations and fury, I would be still, listen, supportive and reaffirm love, support and compassion. Nevr express anger or disappointment or blame. But, following when D was done his fury and dependent, albeit falsely as Hg stated. I would then go away and it would remain inside me, where shame guilt and blame would figuratively sword fight it out. I only showed D anger once in four years. It was weeks ago, of course he was enraged that I had no right to do so, regardless of his years of doing so. My anger if expressed is fear based, often relating to any form of abandonment. I then shut D out for his reaction to me, I was angry at D for having found out further infidelities and deceptions. My shutting D out before he could give me a silent treatment again surmounted to a huge criticism and narcissistic wounding.
            Which results in a very hostile merged hoovering and berating and belittling. NO contact has been engaged. I only discuss what he is with one friend, as she has had a similar type N relationship. Her replying me was, J, you really sell yourself short. And she is right, so many years devoted to him, supporting him, even when I found what he was, willing to stand by him and his needs. To realize there is no mutuality here, he reaps all the rewards from me and I am left, either alone, crying, questioning or self doubting.
            When will be out ourselves first..NOW, is when , CJ. Now.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            I can completely understand what youve said here Miss_S… about the self depreciating, self blame and analysing to unhealthy degree… i do this quite often myself. Same with taking in the negative energy of others.
            I do agree that it sounds like we very muchso emotionally release and react in the same manner to others. This is quite a source of comfort too in as i said… knowing there is a level of understanding that most people dont have is quite the comfort! (As ive said previously… not that i wish what we go thru on anyone else!! Its quite self torturous and extremely painful!!).

            And yep… im completely with you when it comes to our N’s using it well in their attacks against us. Im sure you are 100% correct in what you said about him not discarding you… whatever D put you through… you would always be there, listening, being supportive and compassionate!! I was very much the same with L… she would treat me horribly but i could always find a way to understand, be compassionate, basically give excuse to her behaviour!! And yes… as you wrote… just like you, never express anger or disappointment. And also like you… when L let rip on me… id go away but it would remain inside me in the form of shame and guilt!!

            This is why i can take on board so much of what you write and the thoughts you express, the questions you ask, etc… its coz its all the same sorts of things i am wanting to know and yea… learn from your sharing with me because you seem to have very similar ways of internalising, processing, etc as what i do!!

            I am very thankful to you for sharing so very much with me!! Truly thankful to you Miss_S. (And ofcourse very thankful to our moderator and source of never ending knowledge… HG himself!!). Im so glad to hear you have instituted no contact with D and i hope he stays away from you for good!!

            Im assuming your last statement there is supposed to say… when will We Put ourselves first? Lol… and yes… iagree once again… NOW!! NO MORE LAYING DOWN TAKING THIS ABUSE AND GARBAGE… NO MORE INTERNALISING, FINDING EXCUSES AND SOAKING UP ALL THE BLAME THAT IS NOT OURS TO OWN!!! NO MORE SELF-DOUBTING, CRYING OR LETTING THEM TEAR DOWN OUR SELF-ESTEEM, SHREAD OUR SELF-WORTH… NO MORE LETTING THEM CONVINCE US WE ARE WORTHLESS AND UNLOVEABLE AND SHOULD BE ALONE COZ WITHOUT THEM WE ARE NOTHING!!! YOUR RIGHT… IT STOPS NOW AND ITS NOW THAT WE START TO PUT OURSELVES FIRST… so we can heal… so we can do what we need to so we can take back those parts of that have been stolen by D and L(and those others that have come before/inbetween them! They dont get to keep what they stole… our dignity, self esteem etc… we are fighters who can take it back!

            I actually am in the process of having a new tattoo done that ive got aboutan hour-an hour and a half or so of work left to be done on her… she is my depiction of my inner warrior and i love how she looks so far already… imgobsmacked at what a phenomenal job the tattooist is doing on her and this is the first time ive had work done by this guy so im really glad ive got him doing it lol. But yea… since starting to get her done… she has actually sparked this little fire in rhe pit of my belly that is fueling my strength, determination, resilience and grit. She ever reminds me that no more will anybody be allowed to steal bits of who I am from me…. especially L after 15years plus, on and off of having her do that to me. As you said in another post… she thinks she owns me to a degree… well she is in for a very rude shock when she does inevitably turn up!! Nobody but myself owns me and yea… im taking it all back. Like you said… putting myself first… NOW!! Its amazing how something so… i dont know… i cant think of the word lol… but something like a tattoo can drive me!! But it truely does (i just cant wait to get her finished now… not much work left to do lol!).

            But yes Miss_S…. you make sure you do whatever it takes too… use whatever you too find yourself needing to use to keep that fire burning and fueling you to keep fighting to take back the things D stole from you too… he doesnt get to keep them hey!! And i too will keep asking questions of our all knowing leader HG lol… as he is a great part of me being able to understand and heal from those wounds L and others have inflicted… as Einstein said (im fairly certain…)..”knowledge is power”. Cheers Miss_S and as always… Cheers HG… im always grateful to you for allowing us to comment and question and communicate with others also! Your a source of great wealth when it comes to knowledge and im certainly going to keep reading blogs and books etc in my efforts to heal and maintain no contact!!

    3. cjhawkes03 says:

      I would also air on the side of caution when deciding how to “deal with” a borderline Vs. A narcissist….. criteria number 1 in the DSM-IV for people with BPD…. fear of real or imagined abandonment!!!! When ive been abandoned in the past… does this provoke anger as such like it would in a NPD???…. NO… i causes me to relive every moment of that relationship over and over in my head…. questioning everything that I Have said or done… NOT the other party!!!… this generally encorages me to continue to seek answers and understanding from the person doing the abandonment therefore reinforcing my need to keep trying to contact you!!! Yes… i will lash out in anger at this when you will not give me the answer or understanding that i feel i need to move on… however that anger does not last very long nor is generally a true reflection of hpw i feel towards you. It is me trying to cope with the overwhelming pain i am feeling at you leavi g me and reinforci g ally internal feats of being “too hard” to deal with, “too full on” for anybody to be able to handle me…. just “too f@#king much” for any other person to want i their life …. reinforcing my every feat that i am nothing but a worthless human being!!!

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        I hope this doesn’t ramble. I’m so happy to have found HGs blog. This is probably one of his most triggering posts for me because it happened to me but at a different stage. He is keeping me strong.

        Thank YOU, for this post and clarifying BPD. A friend and I email, nothing more at this time. Friend wanted to escalate to phone. I can’t. Phone convos terrify me. Friend then accuses me of abandonment along with an ultimatum. I get cold chills. Then friend sends apology. By this time mind is spinning bc exN contacted me so I ignore everyone. I’m now in cautious contact with friend.

        I understand the self hate. No one can hate me more. It sucks doesn’t it? But in a way it protects…so unhealthy though.

        HGs blog rocks and you will learn amazing things.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you 1Jaded.

      2. Miss_stress says:

        I am an answer seeker too CJ. There is an intrinsic need to know, which creates even more turmoil for us as N’s count on this part of our personality to keep us bound to them. We oblige by our very nature.
        I am often told by friends to release it, let it go, that my continuous rehashing and trying to understand creates further emotional distress of self. But, for me, I need to reach a rationalization that matches the situation, In order to move on. It isn’t about my emotional distress , it is about understanding it fully within myself. The Hoover worked on me, because of my need to know and seek closure.
        When we cannot match their behaviour to what we feel or understand why they did it, then feelings of worthlessness tend steam steadily. Because we blame ourselves, when often we are not blame. But that is easier to do, it must be because I said this, or did this or thought this…we have become conditioned to assume blame, even when faultless. I know where this stems from in me, I also know I am at fault as well and can admit such. But, the troublesome area, is when I assume blame for that I have no fault in. When someone’s allows you to assume it, to remive fault from themselves. A trick well employed by narcissists.

        HG, What do you make of this emotional roundabout? Where blame is assumed by the one who is blameless. Is this something a narcisisist will have on his/ her checklist for a target and maintaining them under their control, by using the victims own guilt and shame against them?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Very much the case, I have written about this previously in terms of the effect of the silent treatment. The victim wants to know why the N is not speaking to them and will ask what is wrong etc. When no answer is forthcoming they will look inwardly and assume that since the N has not said anything then it must be something that the victim has done. They then analyse everything that they have said and done in order to try to find what was the catalyst for the silent treatment. Of course, the victim will not know that the catalyst arose from something else altogether, something the victim would not be able to fathom out and therefore they head to the easiest source for them to recognise as the catacyst, themselves. The self-flagellation then begins. We will utilise your propensity to want to know the truth against you and also any vulnerabilities that we ascertain from you will be pressed into service to control you.

          1. Miss_stress says:

            That’s me in a walnut shell…self flag elation, precisely. The narcissist knows we will do this as well. If you ascertained a victim would not perform this way to devaluation, silent treatments et cetera, would you then move on? As the fuel would truly be minimized, if the victim soley blame you for your behaviour and herself.
            Thank you HG for taking time to answer this question so throughly for me.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

          3. Miss_stress says:

            I shall endeavour to better proof read pre sending, between reader and predictable text changes and my own missed typos. There are bound to translation issues. Most frustrating, indeed.

      3. Miss_stress says:

        I can’t reply on your reply, but oh yes, I feel that empowerment form here from your words CJ…..the empowerment we feel through others can empower us, almost akin to narcissist fuel from us, only in a healthy sense for us. To appreciate and understand that when someone else can feel good I themselves, feel whole and recognize that they are worthy of happiness and unworthy of a use.then yes…..a change is gonna come. I feel your change. Use that tattoo as your catalyst to empowerment, your goddess Persay. Name her, make her your alter ego of strength and resilience.or simply be your own Goddess. I often imagined one of the Greek muses or the seven sisters of the Pleiades for myself or Lilith or Bodecia. Or the Greek poet Sappho, from the isle of Lesbos…..research her and see what you think. I have a book of poetry fragments…as only one poem of hers is said to have remained. It is the fragments the reader can imagine what she may have meant to convey between the vacant lines.
        I will include one here for you. The book is called If Not Winter, fragments of Sappho.

        In my dripping (pain)
        The blamer may winds and terror
        Carry him off

        Empowerment is a mighty thing. I will find mine somehow. Even strength to resist his next Hoover will be a coup for me. As I now know there are no answers he can impart to me, no closure he can give me. That I must create it for myself now.

        This is extremely positive CJ, I am so pleased and happy to hear this for you. I am grateful HG allows readers to express and confer, knowing this does not diminish his attention or fuel. It only serves to add to this power, In terms of you seeking further knowledge through his blog a books and creating a path to healing for yourself.
        Yes, that was the last line…..Now….no more to all of that and much more to self.

        1. cjhawkes03 says:

          Yep… i totally agree with you Miss_S in regards to how we can feel empowered through others empowerment… and yes.. ur very correct and i really like how you have likened it to almost being like fuel for the N’s however in a healthy way!!!

          I will definately do as you have said with my tattoo… using itas a catalyst to empowerment… as you say, like my goddess of sorts. Its truly amazing the strength and resilince ive felt from within since i started having her worked on!!! I love it. I most certainly am working on naming her… i just havent come across anything that I feel is worthy of her… something that represents her strength, resilience, determination and perseverance, commitment to herself and to keep getting back up regardless of how many times we get knocked down, and fighting to take back whats ours, her grit, her warrior status, HOWEVER… still keeping with her beautiful feminine sexy goddess status too! I am going to work on that today actually coz reading your message has inspired me to do that lol!!! However, PLEASE do feel free to throw some suggestions out there (and i invite you too with your intellect and all knowing knowledge HG, to please feel free to go ahead and throw some suggestions out here too if you have any thoughts on that!!. Its a shame i cant put a picture up here with my comment so u guys could see her so far lol… she is fairly close to finished so she is already looking pretty schmick!!! Lmfao. Just gotta add some colour to her really… i think lol. My tattooist knows what he is doing… i trust him lol. You can get abit of an idea if you google tomb raider 2015 in images and find a pic there of the tomb raider chicky standing tall and strong with her bow in one hand and what looks like a pik axe or climbing axe in the other. I have made a number of changes tho. She still is standing like that with that body basically however ive changed her weapons and her face and hair as i didnt like how her face looks slightly more masculine in that picture and how she looks like she has a boxers nose lol. We have made her face much more femanine with her hair falling down the sides of her face to just below her shoulders. I love her already and like i said… she still isnt quite finished yet lol. But yea.. that might give you a good idea of what she looks like lol). But yes… i love what you have said and thats exactly what she is going to be… my alter ego of sorts and my goddess.

          Im most definately going to research that greek poet, Sappho as you have suggested. I really like that small part that you have included here in your post… definately intrigues me and has made me quite interested to read more!! That can be research project 2 for today lol. And i like those other names that you have suggested that you envision yourself… im a big fan of the greek gods and goddess and the stories that come from them… ive always wanted to spend much more time reading those stories etc… they are very interesting!!! (Research project 3 lmfao 😉).

          I do wish you the best in finding your empowerment or figure or whatever that can be your source of empowerment… you will definately know it when you do find it!! You will feel it stir within you… you will feel the drive it starts to fill you with. Its a very empowering feeling!! I believe 100% that you will find your thing!! I was amazed at the way she has empowered me as i didnt know that this is how i would feel when i went to get her!! I knew that she was going to be done to be my representation of all those things… thats why it was so important for me to get her done now… i designed her with that idea in mind… that she would be there to bea permanent reminder to me that those qualities do exsist within me… even during my darkest moments!!! However yea… i didnt expect the actual physical feelings she has imparted on me!! Its been nothing short of amazing for me lol. So yes… i do not doubt that when you do come across your “thing” as such…that you will physically feel its effect on you. (I dont know if you prescribe to body art yourself however maybe thats something you could think of… even something smalk where you can see it so its a constant reminder to you of all those qualities that you too, possess within yourself??! 😉)

          1. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, I see what you mean by the Image for your tattoo, yes In times of distress , disillusionment and despair you can look at her and you can see and know the way you need and can and should be, the strength the fortitude to endure and move on and to prevail.
            Yes. Those qualities do exist in you, they have laid dormant for the way you are. That you out self last and other first, by your nature. But, this empowerment will show you that you are good and worthy to be first, that usually being first is neither selfish or wrong, but it is right for you and your own well being.
            I had a thought on you and your alter ego …Ananke…the Greek Goddess of fates and circumstance…she is in control of decisions. As you too are and shall be. Not exactly the fierce warrior to smite out justice, but to be I control of our own life, circumstance and delicious, is a tremendous feat. Just a thought.
            Have happy and beautiful weekend, CJ.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            I like your suggestion for a name… Ananke… that yes… i am in control of my own fates, decisions!! I have been searching through names of goddesses and their meanings however i have been struggling!!! So thankyou for that suggestion… i will most definately take it into consideration!!

            And im so glad you checked out the basic picture of the my tat!! 😉 (now imagine her with a spartan sword in each hand instead, a gash in her upper left arm with some blood running down her arm, and yea… a more feminine face thanthat of the picture that you saw… and her hair falling loosely down the sides of her face and just below shoulder length… rather than how she has it pulled back there lol!!! I still have 1 more sitting to completely finish her but she looks fantastic already lol. This last sitting is simply to add the touches of colour!!!). Im truly honoured that you took the time out to look her up!! Im glad too that you can see what i mean about being able to look down at my lower left leg (where she is) and, exactly what you said… see the strength, and the fortitude that i do have deep down within me to endure and prevail!!

            You have a real way with your words Miss_S… you seem to constantly be wording things in ways that are just a perfect match for my thoughts!!! Its so right… the way i need, can and should be!!! It has been a very long time that these qualities have been laying dormant. Just as you said… my innate nature to put others first always. However as you also expressed… i most certainly feel the empowerment that floods through me when i see my warrior goddess… my alter ego… that yes… its time for me to put myself first… that yes, im WORTHY and good! And that also yes, this is not me being selfish or wrong, so i should not feel this way!! That it is definitely the right thing for my own best interests and well being.

            I really enjoy how so often, you and i think so alike!! And im truly grateful to you, HG, for allowing us to communicate with one another through your blog!! I am truly learning so much from the input of yourself and your posts and books as well as the input im recieving from Miss_S. Cheers once again HG and i still most definately welcome some of your own suggestions for a name for my warrior woman, my goddess, my alter ego!??! Obviously, your a very intelligent man with a vast amount of knowledge so yes… i definately welcome any suggestions you may have 😉

            I really truly believe you too, Miss_S, will find your source of power… some form of external remeinder to you, that you too do have that strength, that resilience, that fortitude!!… within you!! It may also be laying dormant however you find the trigger to your empowerment… that thing that reminds you that you too are a warrior who is worthy of putting yourself first!! Giving yourself the time and the ability to heal and work on yourself!!

            Oh…. ive been looking up Sappho, as you suggested. I found that same book you mentioned for not to much i dont think!! I found it on the book depository website (i buy most of my hardcopy books from there!! Very well priced and free shipping world wide so if your a book lover, as im guessing you are… i reccomend checking them out hey!! I do have a kindle too so thats where i buy any digital books and obviously HG’s books lol).

            Anyhow… ill let you go Miss_S and i do hope that you too are having a wonderful, joyous weekend!!

            Take care Miss_S (and you too HG 😉).

          3. Miss_stress says:

            You know CJ, who I would list often as my fb profile pic, Morrigan, research her, she is dark but powerful as healer, goddess and warrior, breaching souls between birth and death, assisted with battle and associated with the crow.
            I am sure Hg could come up with the perfect one for you in an instant, I am not so clever. D used to compare us to Athena and Odyesseus. I rather liked that idea.
            Mind you he also claimed I was his muse and well the Muses are of interested to me, Erato especially. As Hg tells us often, N mirror us and our likes so Magnificently. I wonder if he even liked poetry, he did write me over fifty poems.
            Yes, your Goddess image sounds lovely, I like the idea of swords in each hand and the change in hair to create a softer more feminine image, not so harsh, strength and beauty.
            We seem to have similar ways of thinking so that is probably why wording reason ages with you. I am happy it does, I always think most people doesn’t get me or I go I too much and think too much and communicate my thinking too much..shh..HG.
            That is wonderful you looked up the Sappho book, recall her poetry has been written only in the fragments that have been recovered, so it is not like other books of poetry….
            Yes the book depository is great. I love to hold and read books, I prefer older copies of books and hardcover. We have a fabulous used bookstore in town which has rewarded me with many finds and joy of reading. I do buy new books, but for classic literature and poetry, if I can find volumes leather bound and 100 years old, then I am in heaven.
            All self help books etcetera I buy new. So HG when Yours move from digital I would be overjoyed to be able to hold your words in my hands, not just to view though my eyes.

            Yes weekend has been good thus far. Thank you. You enjoy as well. This the day of rest, so relax.

          4. cjhawkes03 says:

            I too look forward to being able to hold a hard copy of HG’S book in hand so I do hope that he has a publisher willing to take them to print… even wrap multiple books up in one multibook as such??! Choose the titles that you think work best together and wrap them up in 1 book?? What say you HG??

            I will definately look up Morrigan today… she sounds extremely interesting based on what you have said Miss_S and we seem to be fairly similar lol… i dare say I will find her as interesting as you do!!! And yep… the floor is most certainly still open to HG… for him to throw any suggestions of names etc out there for me to look into as from what I can personally tell… you are an extremely intelligent individual who has a very vast array of knowledge HG so please do throw some ideas into the mix!!

            It sounds to me like D was quite possibly as interested, genuinelly, in poetry as you are Miss_S however in saying that… im also not sure how far a N will go to secure and maintain their grasp on their appliance. I defer to HG with this question…. how far would you be willing to go to secure your appliance and then maintain your hold on them?? How much energy are you willing to expel to woe your a worthy and fuel rich appliance and yes… keep them in your Web??!

            I’m glad you like the sound of my Goddess image… she actually currently holds prime place as my FB image lol!!! Well in her almost completed state anyhow lol. And im glad you agree with the changes ive made to her weapons and her face and hair!! Yep… that idea of creating a strong, resilient, determined warrior yet with the beauty, the femininity, the sex appeal and yes… the softness of her goddess status!!!

            I understand that feeling you have… of people not understanding me or getting me. I had another prime example of it last night actually when I tried to express how i felt about something someone had done and was met with an aggressive, snarky text reply. All that did was leave me feeling pretty flat and to put it bluntly… feeling shithouse… ontop of already mounting anxieties over L being on her way back to Brisbane at the time!!! In fact… lucky me… she is very likely arrived in Brisbane by now!! Not feeling crash hot about that!!

            I’m glad you too enjoy the book depository too… such a fantastic website!!! Lol.

            Anyhow… i have to run for now… i have an episode of Wentworth to watch from last night that im dying to watch lmfao!!

            Cheers as always Miss_S 😉
            – Courtney

          5. HG Tudor says:

            The Confessions series will be available as one paperback. Delinquent Mind, Beautiful and Barbaric and Treasured and Tormented also as one publication plus additional material. Others are likely to follow.
            You want names? I have them detailed on the list, but whether I will share them yet remains to be seen my sweet, sweet friend.
            How far would I be willing to go? It depends on the quality and quantity of fuel. If they excel then it is no holds barred to seduce and then to ensure that grip remains utterly tight. I want total and hegemonic control. I will apply all powers, all manipulations and all machinations to keep you where I want them. If they keep pouring with fuel, I will keep a tight hold. Can you feel that hold now CJ?

          6. Miss_stress says:

            I am sorry CJ, I missed this reply.
            Thank you for saying D may have enjoyed poetry as I do. He said I Inspired him that I was only woman who truly appreciated it and it was a pleasure for him to give me his words in poetry. For me there is something special to write something for someone, I hoped maybe that might have been even partially genuine. I do know we shared the same taste I music, is the only man that has ever happened with, same likes in literature and humour. My ex MN. Husband shared none of that, he was a huge Northern soul fan. I enjoyed some of it, but that is all we could Listen. D had awesome. Taste in music and humour. My ex MN wooed me to take me away from someone else who genuinely liked me, it was a life stressor time for me and he plied the soul mate concept on me and we’ll, I believe wholly in soul mates so he ensnared me. I knew wasnt my soul mate, I told him so. I never felt it with me..I did with D though.
            I am sorry something made you feel that way when expressing your feelings, it seems often people don’t have the patience for others concerns, not even to listen , let alone advise them. It is harsh, indeed. I would feel the same as you following, like why do I even bother. I need to express my feelings. It is not good to allow them to remain pent up in side us.
            Is L back to where you are living now? Has she contacted you yet? Recall whatever you do. You do because it is right for you at the time….do not judge yourself or allow anyone to judge you…..do not let her or anyone else make you feel guilt, especially yourself.xx

            Remain aware concerning L and her whereabouts, stay proactive and keep family and friends In the know. She will contact you, it is guaranteed. I am hoping it is not at your doorstep.
            Went worth prison is so so much better then OTNB…..I watch it via Netflix.
            Enjoy the show.
            Have a good night or it is day now, Courtney.

          7. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hey Miss_S… its morning here for me now… in fact it’s 7.01am lol.

            I’ll have to keep this reply very short an sweet but I will get back to you in further detail later!!

            Yes… she is here… and not only is she here… she is staying all of 5mins at most from my place with a friend of hers!!! She has already done as i predicted and attempted hoover number 1 which was text invite to go see her son. “Hey, just wanted to see if you wanted to come see Ethan. I know how much he would love to see you…”.

            So yea… that was yesterday and I know that was only the beginning!!

            I too believe in soul mates!! I dont believe a soul mate has to be a lover… i believe best friends can be soul mates. It’s not always your lover that you meet that you feel completes you!! I also do not believe we are limited to 1 soul mate only!!

            Yea… its hard having had ppl criticise me multiple times over many years about expressing my emotions including the latest being L and her making the statement that… “ive tried to see things from your perspective but I just cannot understand why your as fucked up as you are and why you can’t just get your shit together”. And that was made in regards to my history and the things I’ve been through. Basically… i see it at her invalidating all my feeling and saying that as far as she is concerned… i have no right to feel the way that I do!!! I shouldn’t be messed up from my history coz she has apparently been through worse yet she gets up and functions fine everyday and does what she has to do!!! Why can’t I get up and smile and pretend like my world is all fucking rainbows and blow jobs!!!

            Thank you for your kind words again Miss_S… i dont know what i do to deserve the kindness of such a beautiful stranger however I do truly appriciate it!! As do I truly appriciate the fact that you do sit and take the time to type out replies etc to me!!

            I have just now downloaded the WordPress app on my laptop so it will hopefully be much easier to send off replies to you on there rather than sitting here typing it all out on my wee phone keypad lol!!!

            But i better run… i gotta go out and do a few things this morning!! But yes… i will try jump back on laptop later to type replies back to you!! Otherwise it will be tomorrow 😊 you have a good day/night… its now 7.33am here lmfao!! And i shall chat to you soon Miss_S xx
            – Courtney

          8. Miss_stress says:

            She didn’t waste any time CJ, and using her son as bait, so to speak…not even the nerve to say she wants to see you , but reversing it to say you want to see who son, as why wouldn’t you, based I your last relationship and you be a caring person, tsk, low move L. But , yes an expected move as well. Okay, better a text then at your front door. Did you ignore the text or reply? Yes, there will be more. She seems the type that will stress you to the enth degree …..
            Five minutes for you, that not obvious is it, so very easy for her to walk or run or drive by your place…..
            Based on that, she intends to be persistent, I would say. Just be careful am drunk if your own emotional health. She doesn’t care about it, but you do. Using your “issues” against you is low tactic, especially as she exacerbates them for you with her behaviours.
            Do you know if her move is temporary or permanent? Does she have any friends and family In the area, besides you?

            I am home from work. Night shift and very tired as I nevr slept yesterday. So I best get to sleep soon, I don’t fare well emotionally when sleep deprived.

            I enjoy conversing with you CJ. Thank you.
            I hope you have a calm and peaceful day…or evening 😊

          9. cjhawkes03 says:

            That’s very right she didn’t waste any time at all!!

            And yes… using her own beautiful little not even 1 year old boy (he turns 1 next month!!). She knows that I do indeed love him so very much and just adore him!!! He is my wee little monster man lol!!! It is extreamely low of her!!… it f@$king disgusts me… That a person would use their own child for their gain… its fucking disgusting and a dirty low move!!! But yes… i definately did expect it. I thought she would use him in another way which i am not ruling out but to the same effect!!! I did text back and agree to the meet however my intention was not just to get 1 last visit in with my little monster man… a chance to get to say goodbye to him (even tho he will grow up never rembering me!! Its my chance to say goodbye moreso for myself so I’ll hopefully be able to let him go despite it breaking my heart!!!). But it was also to get this inevitable face to face over with that she is forcing on me anyways!! She has items of mine (that i dont want back anyways as meaning attached to those things is related to her so why would I want them back?!!!) That she has made very clear to me that she is giving back to me face to face. So yes…. thats screwing with my head so I was attempting to get it over and done with. However she didn’t show up to the agreed upon meeting point… i should have maybe expected that move. She swears black and blue that she showed up but h just went to the wrong area… however i dont know if i believe her. I did see a silver car in the distance in another part of the park but yea… cant say for sure it was her!!!

            And yes… i do think she is going to be the type to stress me to near breaking point!! And yep… she has already started that process… started the mind games by deciding to stay at her friends place all of 5minutes from me. Yep… so easy to just slip by my place anytime day or night!! Which as you can probably imagine…. has had me in fight or flight mode more or less the entire time since her arrival!! I have hardly slept and just generally been very rattled…. as she would likely no doubt know!!! Im not letting her know that it’s having any effect on me… just playing cool, calm and collected yet emotionally devoid!! Keeping no contact in place other than replying to that text with the reasons being for what I said above!!!

            But yes… im going to have to make sure that I am taking extra precautions and care when it comes to my own health… mentally foremost but physically too!!

            Yep… the move is permanent for the foreseeable future. She does have some friends and family here… thats the reason for her moving back here!! Coz she couldn’t handle being alone down there anymore apparently. She claims she was on the verge of wanting to kill herself and was so unhappy and severely depressed etc. She didn’t have anyone down there…. apparently.

            I’m about to go to sleep for the night too…. fingers crossed i actually get a decent solid sleep… not a broken sleep of maybe 4 hours maximum!!!!

            I can understand how u would need your sleep Miss_S!! I actually usually function better on 4-5 hours sleep myself… that the adhd part of me Lmfao!! However im not very well physically at the moment either… i havent been for quite some time now… since i was in a car accident on October 5th last year (and unfortunately… those physical issues are still yet quite some time off being resolved!!… even more reason why I need to take EXTRA precautions when it comes taking care of my mental health with her so fucking close!!! And there is unfortunately a host of other serious issues happening for me right now too!!! So yes… it intense and full on right now. Having to remind myself to do a lot of things around self care etc at the moment!! I just wish I could manage some decent fucking sleep to be honest!!!).

            You have a really good sleep there Miss_S…. you take care of yourself do your not sleep deprived and end up having to run at lower than optimal functional level lol. Goodnite x

          10. Miss_stress says:

            Awww, bless he is but a mere baby still, and lawn to his mothers manipulations. That makes me quite sad. She will no doubt try to get you to babysit him as a means to claim him get what she wants and for her to get make of what she wants, to see you and a babysitter, to boot. Let’s hope not.
            That meeting sounds like a set in to me, I doubt you wine to wrong area, she probably went to another area to watch you waiting for her. To see if you would show up and to tell worse ld she still has control and power of manipulation. Maybe next time yiu meet to get belonging back and see her son, you determine time and location, don’t let who dictate to you. She has choice if she shows up, that’s it.
            I would advocate not meeting, for me text and online calls and emails etc were not so emotionally troubling when I was trying to get my answers after the Hoover. But I won’t see him in person. He forfeited that right. Do I want to see him in person, yes, but will I , NO. But it is on,y ever your choice, not mine, not your friends or family, not the redness here, not Hg and not L…Your choice and determination. It is easy to be drawn back in, the okay in guilt and history and her child and claims of love and declarations of I am sorry, are all calculated to do so.
            Channel your inner Hoddess qnd take the reigns from her..don’t let her make the decisions or decide the plans. Do allow her to emotionally distress Jim anymore then I know you feel right now. Easier said then done, they are masters if manipulation and use the addiction we feel against us. It won’t be easy, but it is doable CJ? Have you read Hgs books? Read Escape, Chained and manipulated, if you have not. There are many more to recommend, but if you haven’t read those, please do so.
            I am sorry for the Heath issues still around car accident and other health issues, so yes, you do need to be mindful of your needs physically and motionally around this and her.
            Yes, sleep is essential, I suffer bouts of insomnia and my work schedule doesn’t help my sleep patterns. I am more emotional and moody when sleep deprived. So I try to Maintain a good sleep regime.
            I hope you are sleeping soundly and well.

          11. cjhawkes03 says:

            I too suffer from bouts of insomnia… i have for as long as i can remember. I suppose that can attributed to a number of different things over the years… the ADHD, the BPD, the nightmares and associated trauma around childhood abuse, the list of potential causes im sure is quite long!!!
            Thankfully I can function at my prime on 4-5 hours sleep…. USUALLY!!! This has not been the case however since before the car accident so it’s sorta doing a bit of a number on me at the moment now that this is the 4th night in a row!!!

            Yea.. my heart breaks for that little baby boy!! Especially when you look at things like the fact her 8years old is on antipsychotics already!! Granted… her 8year old had a different upbringing than the boy so far however fuck knows where he will be by the age of 8 😢 he is open to his mother’s manipulation and Narcissistic ways for so many years to come yet!!! And ofcourse… thats bringing out my animalistic protective nature!! However in saying that…. there is nothing that I can do to protect him ultimately so as much as is does break my heart… i have to let him go to her horrible hands. I could move in with her etc… but i would end up no good to him anyways as she stripped of the remaining fragile parts of my soul left which yea… would just leave me useless to protecting him anyways!!!

            Oh… the place was my choice!! But she claims her phone died and yea… swears she did show up!! But everything within me tells me that your right… it has since it happened. That she intentionally didn’t show up so that she could flex her muscle so to speak and show she still has control etc. I didn’t think of the fact that it probably was her in the distance and served a duel purpose… to be able to watch me and get her fuel. Feel the illusion of control im intentionally let her feel. AND to play mind games with me… so that id see her when I was looking around… and she would know I’d be left questioning if she genuinelly did go to wrong area… if that was her at all or a product of my own mind!!!… make me feel more crazy in the attempt to lower my walls even more. See… it feels like giant fucking game of chess!!!

            Yes… i will most definately determine time and location again… im just trying to think of somewhere that only has 1 entrance… yet provides an arena that is both somewhat public… and also private to a degree!! I know I’m not going to agree to see her the next time she wants to see me…. play the “im busy” card once or twice to let her sit and stew!!! But then yes…I’ll pre-determine the time and place.

            If i could get away with not seeing her at all…. i truly would!!! However if i dont arrange to do it somewhere away from my house… she will turn up here against my wishes!! She has made it VERY clear that she intends on giving me these items face to face despite me telling her i dont want them!!! So yea… she is forcing me into a face to face and yep… i KNOW its because face to face provides her the best vantage point to lure me back in….to throw her arms around me when I dont want to be touched… to profess her undying love to me and say all this gs she is thinking I want to still hear!!!… little does she realise i do not want to hear those things anymore. I’m terrified of her pulling me back in coz I know how easy it will be so im just trying to continually tell myself… she does not love you… its all a giant lie… a giant Web of manipulation and deceit that will lead to more untold abuse…. that will ultimately be my end if i let her back in!!!

            I truly believe it too… if i let her back in… the next time she decided to decimate me would be my endgame. I would go thru with ending it all this time rather than ending up in the psych unit…. or my body etc would not be able to handle another round of the pain that would come and it would shut down in response to it. I truly believe that!!!

            But yes…. its about trying to channel that inner goddess…. taking on that alter ego of sorts until my own maskless self has the strength and fortitude to do what needs to be done… putting on that mask of less authentic strength and determination… or resilience… and faking it till I make it so to speak!!! Lol.

            I haven’t yet read those ones of HG’S books but i will put down the ones I am reading at the moment and start the ones you have suggested here in the meantime!!! Any particular order you would recommend… eg. In regards to which will serve me best to get through first and foremost?? I will definately start to read them today however!!!

            Thank you Miss_S for helping me to get through what im sure is going to be a long, exhausting game yet to come!! And thank you for allowing me to talk things through with me and for offering up your opinions and suggestions etc… i truly value them!!! 😉 – Courtney

          12. Miss_stress says:

            Remember CJ just, I don’t judge you and don’t judge yourself, I understand Uighur reasoning. I think once you get this meeting over you can , a. Sleep…..v. Feel more confident and secure in your rights and decisions about her…c. Hopefully relax as well. Yes, she is a mind game o,Ayer. I agree what you said, fade to face, to see who eyes, her tears, what ere it takes to reel you back in and as yiu said her touch, her words….no doubt her son will be with her too….your sympathy.
            What about a coffee shop, get there early, where you can watch door and at back or table that is more private….or a restaurant that has booths, not tables…I would want a place where if she makes a scene you can make a easy escape from. Her.
            Yes, if she does ensnare you again , it will effect hour emotional health and another hospital stay is not fair or warranted. She will be playing on this. Dint allow her to make you feel less or unstable. Make it not even a topic of discussion,
            I feel for you Courtney, I know how hard this is.
            On Hgs books, maybe I best leave that advice to him. If he thinks other books might serve you well. Did you read No contact? If not please add to list too. Chained helps you understand why she chose you and why you are addicted to her….co depend you wise. It is an essential read I think. As no contact is not your first goal right now, but may be soon…please read that as well. HG, should she start with Manipulated or Escape?
            I don’t mind discussing this with you CJ, I hope that things do not progress in a negative manner with L. But knowing as they are, we need to assume the worst a day then feel relieved if it does not occur.

          13. cjhawkes03 says:

            I completely agree with what you said at the bottom there Miss_S… if we can take it just 1 day at a time and assume the worst scenario each day… then yes… there is a sense of relief that comes in the night with the worst not having played out after all!!!

            I will keep an eye out for HG’S advice re. Which books might be helpful straight away and if he recommends any particular order!!

            I’m glad my reasoning is sound… to hear that from you means a lot to me Miss_S!!! It makes me feel much more stable and less concern expended in the way of stressing about if she is getting to me on such a level mentally that I am starting to not think sensibly or rationally etc. It means one less Avenue of energy expenditure as such lol. And yep… the more energy i can conserve in other areas… the better!!! I feel like i am already running on energy reserves and not sure how much more reserve exactly I have!!! I do know tho that I am 1 stubborn bitch and I will keep going for as long as i need too or until I physically cannot stand anymore!! I worry about how detrimental this is to my already not so awesome health level and i worry about the toll this will and already is taking me in the way of my physical health!!! However when I consider the alternative… the end result if i let her back in… then yea… i can take whatever comes in the way of physical illness and fatigue etc!!

            I completely agree too with what you have said… that hopefully once this face to face thats being forced on me is over with… then yes… i will be able to get some real and decent sleep. I will definately feel more confident and secure when I get through it unscathed persay and don’t get reeled back in by her…. that will be a huge confidence booster of sorts!!! To know that she no longer has the ability to pull me back in… that if she cannot get thru the brick wall i have up in a face to face meetup… then she won’t get thru via any other means. And then yes.. be able to relax somewhat compared to my current hyper vigilant state!!

            Oh yes… she will most definately have her son with her when we meet face to face!!! She will want to weaken my defences surely with the emotion that comes from seeing my precious little monster!!! From holding him and laughing at his adorablness. Plus… she is also playing on my desperate desire for a child of my own…. something she knows is not exactly happening easily for me with me being gay and all… therefore its going to cost me a few grand to go the sperm donor route etc etc. She knows just how severely i want my kid. AND, she knows how desperately id love to have a little boy in particular if i got the choice!!! So this is PERFECT… F@$KING A-GRADE MATERIAL for her!! She has used him as a weapon in her arsenal since the poor little fella was born. Swapping me on occassions with photos then depriving me of them for a period of time until I was slmost begging her for some more!!! It truly does hurt me so much to know what’s being done to him in the sense of him being used as a tool to her and the thought of what he is going to grow up with… the behaviours he will think are “normal” because of her!! Part of me almost feels this sense of duty to go back to her full time and just live an unhappy life so that there is SOMEONE there to protect him… teach him the true meaning of right and wrong and how to treat people right!! And then i feel that sense of duty even more strongly because I am more or less, the ONLY person who can see her for who she truly is… the only person not still wrapped up in her façade that she puts on for the world!!! And if there are a rare few other people who can see it… they are not in the position I am in where they can reinsert themselves on a level that is going to be able to protect the little boy!!! But i guess when it comes to this…. i just have to keep reminding myself that if she reeled me back in or i willing went back with that intention in mind… would I actually end up being capable of protecting him??! Or would I end up almost useless to him in that way because I’d end up living in fear emotionally and psychologically… and because like i said… surely that would only result in my mental deterioration??! What good would I be to him if that happened??!

            I like the idea of a coffee shop… for the reasons you have said in particular!!! If i choose the right time of day… i can yes… sit where I can watch the door as i most certainly will get there early!!! I can also get a certain amount of privacy that comes with going around 1:30pm for example… after the lunch rush but before school gets out (… or maybe I’m better off going around 3.30… just after school has ended as parents will be doing the kids thing therefore less traffic in that way as parents won’t be able to be meeting up with each other for coffee… they will need to be getting kids home from school and doing their arvo routine??! I think that might be the way to go actually??!). And yes… it affords me the option of being somewhere that I can escape should she choose to make a science however its more likely that she won’t go to the extent of making a scene as she won’t want that precious mask of hers to slip in public… somewhere I have witnesses as such?!!! And also… a coffee shop would hopefully be cheaper to go too rather than a restaurant as I’d feel obliged in either place to make a purchase!! If i go to the coffee shop (thats actually the name of this particular franchise…. “The Coffee Shop”… lol)…. then i can buy one of their delicious choc thickshakes which would set me back about $7.50 where as a restaurant would surely cost more than that… even a decent feed at maccas would probs cost more lol!! And the coffee shop choc thickshake has it all over the maccas chocolate thickshake lmfao!!! 😉 yea… im thinking the coffee shop is the way to go!!! I might have to do a little recon tho… go spend a few hours there Monday to check out what the rush is like from 1:30-4ish… just take my kindle so I can smash down some of HG’S writting while I wait and watch??!! Plus I can also assess best vantage point re. Seating and ease of escape??! Maybe that’s the way to go about it??!

            I will remember what you said too… about her playing on my already fragile mental state. That she will pick at it and to not even allow it to be a topic of discussion. She has no right to that sort of information about me anymore anyways!! She has no right to know what sort of state both My physical and my mental health are in. She has no right to know the things I’m going through any more or the things I’m having to deal with!!!

            I have started to read “NO Contact”…. but i am inclined to agree with you Miss_S… that it might not be my priority read right at this moment (as have i gotten about 75% of the way through Narcissist Seduction at the moment but again… i dont think it’s probably the priority read for me right now!!!). Yep… no contact may well become a higher priority for me very soon…. however in the meantime… i too defer to HG for advice on this one lol…

            What would you suggest given my current situation master extraordinaire??! 😉 what would you suggest I make my number 1, 2 and 3 (and more if you think it’s best) priority reads right now to help in my situation??! I truly appriciate any advice you could give right now!!

            I do think chained sounds really good… help me understand why I am addicted which will hopefully then give me the ability to break the addiction almost as i will be able to recognise, hopefully, certain feelings as being not real and just a product of the addiction to her!! I also agree that from what I’ve read of the blurb thingys of Manipulated and Escape… that they might also be very applicable right now and be of considerable help to me right now!!! But yes… please HG… do afford me your knowledge and wisdom in regards to this if you will??

            Thanks again Truly Miss_S. I don’t have anybody here who I kno that has been on the recieving end of a N… not anyone who i am aware of anyhow… and it’s really hard trying to talk to other people about it as they think im over exaggerating and being dramatic coz “as if any body would behave in such a ridiculous manner…. or would be so obsessive and carry on to that extreme”. She would never go that far Courtney…. your just being paranoid and letting you mind race away from you!!!
            Other than both of my therapists… no one else understands or believes me!! They truly think im just getting wrapped up in letting my mind get away… even tho they can see obvious signs of distress and tension and me yea… being constantly on high alert in fight or flight!! Even tho im clearly stressed severely, not sleeping, feeling sick to the stomach all the time….all these obvious signs im in fear etc. Instead of thinking I might actually have legitimate grounds for my current state… its taken as me being over dramatic as surely people don’t behave like this… it sounds like a movie plot!! So yes… truly… once again… Thank you Miss_S xx

            – Courtney

          14. HG Tudor says:

            No Contact is entirely applicable but at this juncture I would suggest you would be better served by understanding what she wants from you, how she will likely go about it and how that can be countered. An understanding and holding action if you will, before you implement no contact. To that end I recommend Manipulated, Fuel, Devil’s Toolkit, Black Flag and Escape. That will give you plenty of knowledge and methodology to build your defences.

          15. cjhawkes03 says:

            Cheers HG!! As always… you advice is truly appriciated

          16. HG Tudor says:


          17. Miss_stress says:

            Hi CJ
            I have asked the question twice to Hg regarding which books you should begin with, other then ones I recommended to start with such as escape, chained and manipulated…yes no contact, but that is not where you need to be in knowledge right now, as you did, soon though. Yes, sex and N book perhaps back burner that one for now…..wink. Now that you have asked he might respond.
            Her stress and lack of sleep are negatively effecting you, it is good yiu managed some sleep. Thinking is impaired with sleep deprivation and for me, I become slightly paranoid and anxious .
            With the face to face meeting, true to remain as emotionalness as possible in your responses to her, as she will try to bait you as she knows you are emotional by nature. I used to have an abusive supervisor years ago. No one would speak up to her, I would, question her and addres when she was being abusive to other staff. While doing so, I would hold my star if Isis or dent in my hand, it was. Calming notion. Confrontation is not my forte, it creates massive anxiety. That soothed me , so to speak. If yiu could find such a thing to help you during face to face. To help you focus your attention when she is stressing you.

            Yes, he is her greatest weapon against you….that and your forging a. S loving heart. It is cruel, indeed to you and her child. But, to return to her for the sake of him, to suffer abuse and as yiu sad potentially be rendered smell film and hospitalized or worse……is counter productive for you and him. You will have your own child, what ever route you choose because you want a child and you will love that child and care for him the way a parent should. Make this tactic of hers your priority, know it is come ha no ward it off.
            Yes. Recon it is and scope it out feel secure in your plan and then set it up according to your schedule, not hers. It is to a date. So don’t buy her anything. It is business, Per se…friendly. Coffee shop, perfect name for one 😊
            Yes, those who have never experienced this, simply don’t understand , just get over her, move on, your been dramatic, et cetera….it does. Make you feel paranoid and obessive at times to figure it all out and cope healthily. I am glad you have therapy. I am glad you fund this blog and Hgs work to help you understand and fix this for yourself and be armed against her behaviours. She will not know you are so aware now and you can deter some of her actions with your knowledge. You are doing wonderful at being proactive, well done CJ xx

          18. HG Tudor says:

            I have already answered the question concerning the appropriate books.
            You ought not to engage if you feel exhausted since this confers the advantage to us, you are more likely to act in an emotional fashion (thus providing fuel and not operating by logic). Take any healthy individual and deprive them of proper sleep for three or four days and they will have a psychotic episode. This is why we prefer to exhaust you, interrupt your sleep on purpose and indirectly cause insomnia etc through the anxiety caused by our manipulations. You need decent sleep.

          19. Miss_stress says:

            Sorry Hg, I reply through reader to messages ..I didn’t see your Reply to CJ on books. I will go to blog article and read.
            Yes I do need decent sleep and it does effect me emotionally when deprived. He knew he did this to me and then feigned concern I was worried or anxious and not sleeping.
            Thank you for reply HG.

          20. Miss_stress says:

            Cheers HG, that’s wonderful…I mentioned s several I thought would be useful,but you are the master and author and know best. Thank you for letting her know I books. I can’t wait to get another book, any hints in which is next off the presses ?

          21. HG Tudor says:

            Ask 2 and 24 Hours in the Mind of a Narcissist are due presently

          22. Miss_stress says:

            Brilliant….HG, how do you write so many novels in such a short time span. Have you contacted Guiness to see if you hold record for most books published in a determined time frame….add to Legacy. Were you writing theses books prior to last summer when books became available and blog? Where were you hiding yourself before you became public ?

          23. HG Tudor says:

            Much of these works have been in progress for quite some time and it is now that I am adding to them to bring them to fruition. I usually write late at night when it is quiet and I welcome the distraction for my racing mind.

          24. Miss_stress says:

            Racing, yet utterly luminous mind HG. Your mind is a creation of possibility and productivity. I wish my mind was as such, my mind is a churning eddy of chaos when in overthinking mode.
            Yes, the night is the time for such glorious literary revelations.
            Did you go into therapy last summer and hence the timing of the books being released?

          25. cjhawkes03 says:

            Oooohhh…. i look very forward to even more works!!! AND I LOOK PARTICULARLY forward to your books coming out in actual book form!!! I cant wait be able to buy them as actual books!!! YAY!!! When do you guesstimate will be HG?? And out of curiosity… do you choose all the covers for your books (including obviously all the one advertised on amazon for kindle)???

          26. HG Tudor says:

            The paperbacks are already available for Escape, No Contact, Sitting Target, Revenge and Sex and the Narcissist so fill your boots. Yes I choose the covers. I have someone design them for me.

          27. cjhawkes03 says:

            Ahh ok. Excellent. I shall get my hands on the paperbacks as Doon as i can then!!!
            And thats very interesting to know you choose the front cover images!!

            Cheers as always mate.
            – CJ

          28. cjhawkes03 says:

            Where would you suggest to shop for paperbacks HG?? I found paperback Escape on amazon US… then I found paperback Narcissist Seduction on amazon UK.

          29. HG Tudor says:

            You can find all of the paperbacks on either Amazon US or Amazon UK they are all there. For some reason they don’t appear with Amazon Aus, I have no idea why that is.

          30. cjhawkes03 says:

            Ok. No worries. I will try having a look at Amazon again but on my laptop tomorrow and see if that makes any difference at all as yea… they didn’t all come up when looking at Amazon through my smart phone.
            Cheers HG

          31. cjhawkes03 says:

            Ok… thanks for this bit of Advice HG about not engaging when im feeling exhausted and depth properly for 3 or 4 nights!!! That does make complete sense!!! I shall take the next few days to catch up on some proper decent sleep (even if it means having some sleep during the day!! Just getting some hours in during the arvo when im actually feeling tiredness kicking in hardcore… and that will hopefully make uolp for those hour i miss by waking up at 3;30 almost on the dot every single morning lol). That way if i do that for a few days and also do my recon in between… i should then be in a much better, sharper mental frame of mind as well as more prepaired from doing my recon to do this damn face to face!!!

            Thank you HG for commenting on that and making those points!!! I very grateful as always… particularly for this tho as you have saved from being potentially lured back because my defences are weakened and there are Cracks in my walls that she could step through!!!

            Thanks mate x 😉

          32. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

          33. cjhawkes03 says:

            Thankyou too Miss_S for also asking HG for my benifit whic books would be best for me to read now!!! I have started to Read “Manipulated” which is one that HG suggested. He said that while “No Contact” is still definately going to be applicable… he suggests I would be better served by understanding what she wants from me, how she is likely to go about it, and how it can be countered. So yes… he has suggested – “Maniupilated”, “Escape”, “Devil’s Toolkit”, Black Flag” and “Fuel”. So yep… i am on it… I will be reading as fast as I can manage to read lol!!!

            That is absolutely horrible that you had an abusive supervisor!!! I had something very similar…. I had a boss that i was extreamely close to outside of work… to the point that i slept with her… then after that, she couldnt handle the fact that we had slept together… AND the fact that I was underage at the time… I am pretty sure it was just before my 18th birthday!! So yes… She then went on a massive withc hunt that spanned a few years to get me fired!! It got so bad that i actually got a union rep in to represent me… then I just couldnt handle it any longer… the stress became so much that i wrote my resignation letter and i just left!!!

            I am glad that you agree that to return for him would be counterproductive and that I would end up more or less useless to him!! It only strengthens my resolve to not go back for that reason!! I think i should take snipits of your comments or even all of them, print them out, and use them as part of my already exsisting reinforcement material as to why i sholdnt let her back in or go back willing!!! So much of what you says both resonates with me and also is such wonderful reinforcement for what I already think during my moments of still happening clarity!! It would make such wonderful material for when those moments of clarity are not so crash hot and i am doubting all those truths!!!!!

            I have my pc out now so i am going to be ale to get back to most of your comments… i hope!!!

            Im glad that you agree that i should do the recon… like you said… it will make me feel more secure in my plan!!! And NO!!!… There is absolutely no way that i will be buying her anything!!! If she could afford to move back her, etc… then she can afford anything that she will want to buy from The Coffee Shop!! Like you said… buisness Per se!!

            Thank you Miss_S for your lovely compliments as always… I am feeling so blessed that I have made contact with you through HG’s most wonderful blog!!! And I am so very blesses that I have stumbled across Hg and all his works too (despite you being all of 14… right HG???!! LMFAO).

            Oh… I also like what you have said about having a little something to hold onto when i am having to encounter her… i do actually have a mini key ring version of the Joker that is my current profile picture on here lol!!! He goes with me to therapy for me to hold onto etc… so yea… i will hold onto it too when I am doing the face to face also!!! Thanks for that idea Miss_S… i truly appreciate any and all ideas you have to share with me!!! Thanks Miss_S… you are like my guardian angel truly!!!

          34. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, then the joker key chain it is….perfect..as an side CJ! The executive director was rather abusive too and she was an ex Nun. When I talked to her while wearing pendent I would touch it, she asked my supervisor once if I was. satanist for wearing Pentagram. When I saw her I. Ladies bathroom after a meeting once, I said…..actually this is the Star of Isis, research to gain knowledge and I left the bathroom. She once made a derogatory comment about female staff is really male staff to my friend who was Union rep at the time. It was uncalled for as 90 % of staff were female…tsk tsk.
            Yes thank goodness for unit on rep at workplaces, shame you had to resign, another pier and control o,any move there by that boss. Punish you for her misconduct and abuse of authority and inability tit be professional before or after relationship …..typical and wrong.
            My words harken to your own word CJ, use your words. Think in ones that make you feel most I control of your self and potential situations. I am pleased to empower you. It is important to be there for others. I get much from. From our discussions I understand myself better too. We do have aligned thinking which is lovely. It makes me feel less alone in my thoughts. I would hate if I gave you wrong advice….I am thinking from a safety and well being prespective for you. As well. What I would do I the same situation. I think as we think similarly, perhaps we would do the same thing much of time. So I that,you can trust your own judgement more as well. Knowing you do think things out well and you do problem solve well and you are not rash or harsh in your approach with others.
            Every thing I say to you is how I truly think, anyhting that is Dino,Wintery is true and how you are. It is nice to acknowledged and know we are doing okay and others understand us. I am glad you are reading HG books, he is a blessing for you, me and all of us here and everywhere. His words are overdue to help us heal and take power back.
            I laughed at the Hg is 14….sometimes I think as am eight…..when emotionally reactive….other times 80, twice my age…..it feel s other times thousands of years old and life time of living….for me the ultimate goal is serenity and feeling at peace and calm.that my buttons no longer can be pushed.

            I appreciate you too CJ, we help each other here. This is the ideal, in my world.
            We can be each other’s guardian angels…we all need one. My psychic friend said my. Daughter has one, I have two spirits guides , a cloaked figure that protects me and monk that inspires me.
            He told me that the faceless man who hoovers over me in my lucid dreams since childhood, was banished by the protecteur. It is true. I hadn’t had that dream in ages. It is an unusual dream, so I won’t go into details here. This was not a real person from. My life, it was something else.
            Sorry that might have sounded creepy and disturbing. Main point the dream is gone.
            It is always good to have someone look out for us, in way.

          35. cjhawkes03 says:

            I agree 100% percent that its good to have someone look out for us!! And for me to have stumbled across yes.. a guardian angel. We most definately do need one!!!

            I can totally understand what you mean by the dream… i used to have a repetitive dream once every few months of the very disturbing and creepy kind too. Ever since I first had it at about 13years old.

            I too emotionally feel like i flip between 6 and 60 (almost double my age… the big 30 next year lol!!!).

            I too seek serenity. A place where, as you said… buttons can no longer be pushed anymore!! And my other ultimate goal…. genuine happiness that is not dependant upon anybody else being happy… that comes from within myself and is dependant entirely on myself!!

            Yes… HG most certainly is a blessing!! I’m very much so enjoying what I am reading and ticking this mental checklist as i go through Manipulated and think of clear example when different things have been used on me!! The only thing that did happen as ive been reading Manipulated…. and this actually seems to be happening to me an aweful lot since I attempted to break things off with L…..is that her name popped up on the book!!! HG has used her name in an example lol. And yes… this seems to be happening alot to me at the moment… everywhere I turn there is a L!!! I mean… it probably is no more than usual… i dunno. It might just be me being hyper alert to the name right now… or yes… the universe is maybe testing my resolve by throwing the name at me left right and f@$king Centre right now??! I dont know lol. But yea… i laughed when I saw her name in the book and was like… are you f@$king kidding me??!! Lmfao.

            I will attempt to reply to the rest of your message here and the other part of it that i read first, tomorrow. As i said in my other reply… im going to do a technology blackout as such for today I think so I can just focus on reading as much as i possibly can!!! Otherwise time flies and I have no idea where it all goes… it goes into these pages I type i spose??! And into replying to emails etc etc etc. Technology is a time zapper lmfao!! I mean look… i started that other reply at what… 4.19am i think??!…. its now 5.15am lmfao!!! I would swear it has not felt like almost an hour!!! So yes… i shall put the phone down now!!!

            Please do feel free to reply to what ive said so far if you wish!!! But just be aware… 2moro morning, I will get my laptop out and i will reply to anything you say between now and then aswell as replying to the rest of what you have sent this morning!!!

            You have yourself a most lovely evening Miss_S and ill talk to you tomorrow!! I’ll also let you know how I am going with the reading by then!! Lmfao!!

            This is Courtney signing off at exactly 1 hour later… 5.19am. Lmfao 😉😆

          36. HG Tudor says:

            You are hyper vigilant for the name, in the same way you will see her model and colour of car everywhere.

          37. cjhawkes03 says:

            Ahhh…. thats what I thought might be the case!! But thank you very much HG for clarifying!! Makes me feel a wee bit better lol 😉

          38. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hi HG… i have just stumbled across you “Out of the box” interview!!! I am listening to it on you tube now!!

            I do have a quick question for you…. i have started a meetup group for Survivors of narcissistic abuse… if you could choose 1 book out of all your books to recommend to people to read… people getting together for the 1st time that have come from different all types of relationship with N’s… which one would it be and why??! Even if you can’t recommend only 1… which 1, 2 or 3 and why each???

            I would like to be able to spread the word is all!! I am also going to recommend your blog lol… so look forward to hopefully getting some more Aussie follower 😉

          39. HG Tudor says:

            Hello CJ, proactive work concerning your meet-up group. Thank you for spreading the word it is appreciated, I would relish further engagement from Down Under – do we have to agree not to talk about cricket though?!
            With regards to the books, I would recommend the following.
            1. Evil – it is short, it touches all bases of the experience without being slowed down in its impact by masses of detail. I like it to having your head plunged into some icy water. It is something of a shock but boy does it wake you up to what has happened. Reading this should cause people to recognise much of what has happened and therefore be in doubt as to what they have entangled with.
            2. Fuel – understanding the life blood of our kind is central to everything else.
            3. Red Flag/Black Flag – understand the signs of what is happening/what has happened. Again this allows people to be told “This happened to you? You were/are involved with a narcissist” – people often wont accept what it really is, as 1Jaded commented people do not like to be told they are being abused and will often make excuses. Those excuses need to be blown out of the water and people must understand from the start what they have been entangled with/are entangled with.

            Once the realisation has been grasped one can then learn to recognise the manipulations (Manipulated/Devil’s Toolkit) understand why it happens (Fury/Chained/Sitting Target/Ask/Decipher/Why/ the Confessions series and the alliterative collections) before moving on to looking at ways to counter and escape (Dep Imminent/Escape/Black Hole/Smeared/No Contact/Revenge/Exorcism) along with looking at specific areas (Your Fault/Sex/Danger).

            Thus those are the three I would suggest starting with.
            All the best with your endeavour and who knows I may one day come and be your guest speaker!

          40. cjhawkes03 says:

            That would be quite the treat for you to one day be a guest speaker for me…. one can only dream hey??!!! Lol.

            Thank you for that list of books and why. I appriciate it greatly!! I will definately be spreading the word as you have been, by FAR, my biggest source of accurate reliable knowledge!! I agree with what I have seen written by you… who can provide better information as to the inner workings of a N better than a Narcissist themselves!!!

            Thankyou for your best wishes!! I must admit that I am a wee bit nervous about it all!! However yes… the idea is that by coming together as a group of survivors, we will be able to share stories, share knowledge (which is I will be repeatedly preaching the word of the great and wonderful, all knowing, best source of knowledge I have come across… the one and only HG TUDOR!!! Lol), and then yes… hopefully be able to provide support for one another to grow and heal beyond this abuse!!!

            As for talking about cricket….. lmfao… well I’m more than happy to agree to not discuss cricket as i think the sport is ridiculous to be totally honest…. lmfao!!!… appoligies if this clashes with your views!!! Lol. However we Aussie’s are generally open to a good debate about most subjects lol… all in good fun!!! Lol

            Your most welcome too when it comes to me trying to rally more Aussie engagement for you!! I’m of the opinion that if i can help anyone else to further themselves on their roads to recovery… then hey… whats a little sharing of knowledge??! And as i said… you are most definately, the absolute best source of knowledge I have found when it comes to trying to understand the narc and all the things associated with narc abuse (Why, How, escape, etc etc). So yes… it is my absolute pleasure to spread the word and hopefully get you some more Aussie input!! My way of showing my appreciation to you as such for taking the time to engage with me and give me some guidance etc etc. I truly appriciate it all HG.

            Have a good day… i am off to bed shortly however im sure I’ll be up again in no time with my update for Miss_S and to continue my almost tech blackout (bar my kindle ofcourse and my WordPress app… lmfao 😉). I still have much more reading and not taking to do before I let L slam me with this face to face!! Lol

            I will likely also have more questions for you in regards to my meetup (the 1st time we all meet is not actually happening 21st August!!!)… i hope you don’t mind!!!

            Cheers HG… as always, greatly appriciated!! 😉 don’t work too hard lol

          41. HG Tudor says:

            Questions are always welcome CJ. You certainly sound motivated with this new endeavour. I am surprised you dislike cricket, I thought you were raised on cricket, Aussie rules football and swimming in order to be ultra competitive with us poms! Or perhaps that only applies once you leave the boundaries of Oz and venture to Covent Garden here!

          42. cjhawkes03 says:

            Well i must admit… you are very right that many Aussie Men are raised on those those sports and LOVE the competition with you guys however my household are heavily into Rugby League lol… although a few members do love and get right into the swimming!!! Lol

          43. HG Tudor says:

            Rugby league. A proper sport.

          44. cjhawkes03 says:

            Exactly!!! None of this ridiculous over the top padding the Americans wear when playing their football!! Nor is there any of this ridiculous aerial ping pong of the AFL!! Lol.
            Real men playing real hard yakka footy!! Lmfao

          45. HG Tudor says:

            I knew there was a reason I liked you.

          46. cjhawkes03 says:

            P.s…. i must admit… i think id get a wee bit star struck if you ever came down to be my guest speaker!!! Hahahaha 😉😆

          47. HG Tudor says:

            That’s only natural, I assure you.

          48. cjhawkes03 says:

            LMFAO 😉

          49. HG Tudor says:

            Loving Me Fuels At Once?

          50. cjhawkes03 says:

            I’m thinking Evil might be a good choice after hearing that interview you gave??? By the way… you sound as though your in maybe your late 30’s?? Is that correct?? Will you allow me to know how old you are HG??

          51. HG Tudor says:

            You may be right. Why do you want to know how old I am?

          52. cjhawkes03 says:

            Curiosity??! Paranoid??

          53. HG Tudor says:

            Why are you paranoid about my age?

          54. cjhawkes03 says:

            No… i was asking if you are paranoid that im asking?? Lol

          55. HG Tudor says:

            No I am not paranoid about you asking my age. It is a topic of repeated questioning and speculation.

          56. cjhawkes03 says:

            I thought that might be the case… so will you share or at least tell me if I’m right in my guess or 35-40??! If not… higher or lower??!

          57. HG Tudor says:

            You are in the ballpark.

          58. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hahaha.. excellent!!

          59. mlaclarece says:

            45-50 You’ve made mention to music you enjoyed during college

          60. HG Tudor says:

            Clarece, how could you be so harsh! Remember, I have an older sibling.

          61. mlaclarece says:

            You’re 49 and still fine! Lol

          62. HG Tudor says:

            That led to my secretary being told off. 49? Pffft.

          63. mlaclarece says:

            I feel no guilt on that one. She’s an innocent bystander who better get treated to an outstanding steak for lunch!

          64. HG Tudor says:

            You feel no guilt. You ARE one of us.
            My secretary is secretly in love with me. She later apologised for interrupting me.

          65. mlaclarece says:

            I AM. Busted. I’ve been a plant for Dr. O & Dr. E all this time.

          66. HG Tudor says:


          67. mlaclarece says:

            Why a daffodil of course!

          68. HG Tudor says:

            Very good.

          69. mlaclarece says:

            I listen

          70. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hi MLAC….

            Curious to know where HG made this reference?? Was it in a blog post? Book? Interview? Curious to read it is all 😊

          71. mlaclarece says:

            I wouldn’t say I can pinpoint an exact book, blog etc. It’s my guesstimate based on past reader comments focused on music (especially when you get him going on Depeche Mode), and personal exchanges. He has never officially disclosed. I tend to believe (with his pop culture references) he is in his 40’s like me, so I like to bust his chops that he’s on the brink of being a half a century old until he comes clean.

          72. HG Tudor says:

            Depeche Mode have been active since 1980 until now, so that gives me plenty of scope. Bust those chops all you like but I am nowhere near a half century.

          73. mlaclarece says:

            Sure, sure. No where near until your bday in the autumn…

          74. HG Tudor says:

            Even with a one year advance still nowhere near. Stop projecting your age onto me.

          75. mlaclarece says:

            No, no, no. Lol
            You know what gave you away, my friend? You dropped Telly Savalas once in comments in talking about TV shows. Sorry Babe! That aged you.

          76. HG Tudor says:

            Favourite of Uncle Peter. Hey I know about James I so I must be 400 years old yes?

          77. mlaclarece says:

            Ah, ah, ah….I don’t even wanna hear about Uncle Peter! Lol
            Maybe you are 400 yrs old? You’re cold-blooded right!?
            Jk 😉

          78. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha good come back

          79. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hahaha fair enough Clarence!! I’m sure HG quote enjoys the challenge of you busting his chops!! Maybe it will push him to the point where he spill…. although I have a feeling that he has an awfully strong resolve lmfao 😉

          80. HG Tudor says:

            I’ve already answered the question about my age. A long time ago.

          81. mlaclarece says:

            We know you have blue eyes. How about you throw in a hair color too after all this time?

          82. HG Tudor says:

            And that’s from out of leftfield Clarece! I’ve told you before I am bald as a coot so I get to wear wigs which affords greater flexibility when adopting the favourite hair colour and style of the prospect. I even have a stick on goatee beard, a pair of massive porkchop sideboards and a twirly evil moustache which I use when tying victims to train tracks.

          83. cjhawkes03 says:

            Oh if only you could she the mental image I just got when I read this comment!!! Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh that was definately worth a laugh!! Thanks HG for always keeping me entertained lmfao!!! On that note… i think im off to bed here down under in OZ!!! Lol

          84. HG Tudor says:

            You do know you will be dreaming about a baldy with a massive twirly moustache now don’t you?

          85. cjhawkes03 says:

            Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. oh dear…. i am not so sure i want to go to sleep any more!!! Hahaha!!! I shall let you know how the moustache twirling baldy in my dreams goes!!! Lmfao 😉 nitey nite HG!!

          86. mlaclarece says:

            Yeah, that’s exactly the look I always swipe left on dating apps! Lol. No facial hair ever…for me!

          87. HG Tudor says:

            No problem I am clean shaven but if need be I just concentrate and nnnggghhhh stubble appears. I love being a chameleon.

          88. mlaclarece says:

            I make the occasional allowance for a sexy 5 o’clock shadow

          89. HG Tudor says:

            Hence my comment.

          90. mlaclarece says:

            Ha! You Sexy Beast you!

          91. HG Tudor says:


          92. mlaclarece says:


          93. cjhawkes03 says:

            I realise my mistake in Grammer there… appoligies HG for leading to you believe that i meant I was paranoid and not that I was asking if you are!! Tiredness is settling over me very heavily!!! Lol

          94. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, damnit on her name in book, popular female name , perhaps. But , feels like a sign….you know those tests for bitchy female names lol…etc…my name is Unusual, so it would not come up. I won’t see my name In One of Hgs books. I won’t see D’s either….so that is a small blessing. I would be like FFS!!!!! Get out of the book, damn you. Good to just laugh at it sand say yep. She is an example for a reason.

            Okay I will reply to this and leave it till you can connect again…..or we will be forver typing and reading…as we both write lots to read 😊 right HG? I am surprised HG doesn’t give us emails to converse on instead….maybe we are interesting? Well, you are. I am not . I am hoping you get reading done, set up meeting, don’t forget your recon first….and then you can’t let us know and step 1 is complete to operation no contact L. You are doing really well so far, CJ. Be proud of yourself.

          95. cjhawkes03 says:

            Thanx Miss_S… im trying!!! I am going to go do recon at The Coffee Shop today!!! Going to go down the and get there about a quarter past 1 then stay still around 4pm will take my kindle and just read while I have one of their awesome thickshakes…. AND maybe a coffee too lmfao!!! I’d feel really guilty sitting there do long and not buying at least $10- $15 worth lmfao!!! But yes…. i will update you guys tonight or 2moro morning when im up at 3.30 again lol. Im sure thats just what my body clock assumes wake up time is now a days!!! Lol. And yes… that will be phase 1 of operation no contact L complete lmfao!!! I love that… Operation NO Contact L!!! Lmfao.

            I’m sure if my ass is interesting then yours is too Miss_S!!! (Its funny… i have typed “Miss_S” so many times that it now comes up in my predictive text as soon as i write miss lmfao!!!).

            Curious… i havent seen the shorthand… FFS…. before… pray do tell what it stands for??! Lol. Maybe it’s one I can start using!!! I would hazard a guess that it stands for…. “For F@$KS Sake”??!!

            But yes… it most definately feels like a sign of some sort that her name just happens to be in one of HG’S books… AND the one on MANIPULATION out of all of them???!! Lmfao!!! As HG said tho… i am just in a hyper vigilant mode at the moment… and he said it’s the same as me seeing her model or colour car everywhere all of a sudden. I felt much better after reading that from HG (Thankyou again HG… truly appriciate it!!… curious tho… how does it make you feel when you hear all these stories from all us readers and hear about things like me being so hyper vigilant at the moment, or all the other sorts of things you hear?? Do you feel a sense of pride for your brethren??? or do you feel…. i dont know… lol… thats why I am asking lmfao!!!).

            Its good that you have an unusual name… can i ask what the 1st letter is… oh hang on… is it a J???!

            Thankfully yea… i dont come across many other Courtney’s here. In my 29 and a half years… ive only met 1 other Courtney and its funny coz it actually really annoyed me lol. She was in the same class as me at school for the 2 years or whatever that i went to that school and yea… it used to really annoy me lmfao!! I am not 100% positive why it irritated me so severely… but yea… it bloody did lmfao!!

            Anyhow… im off to start reading now lmfao!!! I’ll get back to you tonight or 2moro morning around the same time as today with an update of how phase 1 went!!! Lol x

          96. HG Tudor says:

            ‘Fess up you are Courtney Love really aren’t you? How does it make me feel when I hear all those stories? It makes me feel engaged as I imbibe all the recollections and experiences.

          97. cjhawkes03 says:

            HA!!! Courtney Love!!! I think NOT my friend hahahaha… i mean please… could you give me a wee bit more credit for having, oh I don’t know, A BRAIN to start with??! Hahahaha

            I’m glad you can feel engaged when you hear the stories! Does it provide you with an amount of fuel too??… knowing that your the instigator to everyone sharing?? As you have written… that you imbibe all the recollections and experiences?!

          98. HG Tudor says:

            Hey don’t take that as an insult, she is a diverse and adaptable lady. She has entwined herself in music and acting, hung out with Julian Cope from a Teardrop Explodes in the early 1980s, did some schooling in Ireland, was a stripper, earned a Golden Globe (I think) for People Vs Larry Flynt (I thought she was rather good in it) and so on. I know people dislike her because they think she brought about Kurt Cobain’s suicide, but irrespective she has adapted and forged her way through life. I find her interesting, hence the comparison.
            Yes it provides me with fuel I have always admitted that but because I do not know anybody on this blog nor do I physically interact with you, it is at the lower end of the index. I of course like to be at the centre of things.

          99. cjhawkes03 says:

            Ahhh…. well in that case… i will accept the compliment with grace HG!! Why I’m rather flattered lol!!
            I shall have to spend a wee bit more time looking into her I think!!

          100. HG Tudor says:


          101. Miss_stress says:

            Oh. Great in doing recon today, read Hgs book while you sous the joint out 😏
            operation L: No Contact, the next Bourne or Mission Impossible Film , perhaps.
            Yes FFS, is for f@ck sake….I smiled on the Miss _S thing, it still changes you to his for me.
            Yes. my name starts with J, I have posted I here with several screen names,last was Jana38, with name and age, then Decided I would not use anything related to my own name, the one I last used was pet name D called me, Jana..that isn’t my full name though, but for some reason he preferred calling me that name then my own. Maybe he didn’t like my name or just another way to diminish me and my identity, most people cannot pronounce my name.
            Yes, anyhting that reminds of of them will trigger us, hearing someone call the the same name out loud, anyhting really that reminds or triggers memories of L. I can’t recall the name for the book. I could reread to find it. But I won’t.I have two names in mind it might be.
            I on,y know one other Courtney, so it is nice to have an uncommon name, I think. As time goes by, it will irritate you far less, she is your wound now and when the wound heals, so will those triggers xx
            Okay look forward to update, I hope she doesn’t coincidently show up at coffee show while you are doing recon, that would sabotage the entire mission…wear. Ball cap and sun glasses, not that she won’t notice you. But still, face buried in device will help too. I a m sure, she won’t, the what if just popped in my mind.
            GOod luck, CJ.

          102. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hey Miss_S… how has your night been??! I do hope you slept well!!

            Ohhh before I come back to Operation L: NO Contact!… (by the way….. LOVE the name when rephrased that way lmfao!!!)… am curious to see what you think of my idea for my next tattoo lmfao…. yes… Random!!… i know!!! Hahahaha….

            With my next tattoo… the idea that ive got in mind is that currently… i have got my warrior/Goddess woman down my left lower leg on the side. Finishing her VERY soon (i CANT WAIT!!!! LOL). However… she is the representation of the strength, determination and resilience inside of me. She is the “slayer of all evil” as such!!!

            So down my opposite side… my right, outer lower leg… im thinking of getting my representation of the temptation to lure me back to my darkness…. back to the world of pain and torment!! And to represent that darkness and torrential flooding pain that seeps through every vein in my body… im thinking of getting a “seductress”…. a sexy temptation in the embodiment of a women with the features that drive we wild with wanting… with craving… with desire. A temptress of all things dangerous to me as such!!! Lol.

            I think that would be an awesome idea… almost alike to the idea of having an angel and a devil sitting on opposite shoulders!! We have my lure to depravity in a way, on my right side… then my strength and resilience to defeat that darkness on my left!!! Lol

            Thoughts Miss_S???!! Be as honest as you like too… im very open to honest criticism!!!

            The way i see it…. (with the exclusion of my father who i would NEVER have any form of representation of him tattooed on my EVER!!!)…. EVERY single time ive drown in depression, anxiety, a never ending pit of torturous pain… its been at the hands of a female (usually an aesthically pleasing one…. to me anyhow as beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all lmfao!!!). EVERY SINGLE TIME the BPD in me surfaces and I go through the process of reinventing myself as such to be moulded to what i think that person on the pedestal wants … its been a female!! NO man has ever graced the pedestal (…… did you catch that HG??!…. no man ever!!!… a hahahahaha!!! Still up for the challenge 😉😜 bahahahaha!!!). Everytime ive been taken to the extreames of going against those core values buried very deeply inside of me… the ones that do bel9ng to the “real” Courtney somewhere inside of all the other personalities, persay, that have faced the world (the real Courtney who i am fighting for and trying to build up now rather than going thru the painful pedestal process ever again)… its been with a push and shove from a woman! And everytime ive questioned myself, doubted myself, had my self esteem shattered and confidence destroyed, everytime ive been left feeling and believing i am worthless and useless etc…. its at the hands of a seductress woman!!! Lol. So…. ahhh… yea… thats all I got i guess lmfao!!! Thoughts are very welcome however!!!

            Soooo… back to Operation L: NO Contact!! ahahahaha i really do love it!! Have no had a chance to do anymore recon unfortunately today!! Forgot I had a therapist appt with my 2nd therapist today plus I had some lawyer paperwork dumped in my lap via email this morning…. how bloody rude of them to interrupt my recon and reading plans!!! So yes… i will settle in and attempt to finish Manipulated soon if i can manage to keep my eyes open that long lol… you what it’s like when you read when your tired… your eyes have a tendency to force themselves shut lol!!

            Im sure Operation L: NO Contact! Could make a very interesting film indeed lmfao!! Maybe I need to write a movie proposal or whatever it is people do and I could make me some much needed $$!!! Lmfao

            I had a feeling that was ur nickname.. just from what uve written in the past lol however in interested now in seeing what ur full name is to see if I could pronounce it correctly lol!!

            I think you might be right in what you said about D calling you Jana instead of your proper full name…. about it maybe being a way to diminish your identity and also tighten the reigns on his control!! (As in… look how she still does what say when I call her what i want!!). But i dont know…. i would have to say that we should defer to HG on this point!!

            Yes… your very right about the triggers!!! And it makes it much harder that, as HG said, I’m hyper vigilant to all things L right now so it seems like those triggers are cropping up so much more frequently than what they usually would!! I invite you to share your 2 guesses with me Miss_S…. im interested to see if you thought right??! I have no qualms in telling you if you are correct as this blog would be so far from a site that she would visit lol!! And even if she did….. well she would know its me talking about her already as my screen name is my bloody initials and my last name HAHAHAHA!!! Now I’m starting to see the benefits in doing as you have done and changing my screen name to something completely unrelated!!! Bahahahaha!!! Although I can’t even think of anything hey… ive tried before and for some reason… my mind just suddenly goes blank!!!

            I cannot wait for the day that those wounds finally do heal!! I just hope that by the time they do heal…. that that time does not just happen to coincide with her deciding its also about time that she drops me a line to see how i have been going over all that time… such is my luck after all lmfao!!!

            As for disguises for recon…. a baseball hat and sunnies definately wouldn’t cut it….. however… if i just threw a dress on…. i doubt she would look twice my way!!! Lmfao!!! Sad…. but true ahahahaha!! I’m one those – wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress – lesbians!!! Bahahahaha!!! (All tho there is VERY GOOD REASONS for me being completely against wearing dresses and skirts!!… i think its probably one of the best reasons that you could come up with lol!!!).
            But yes…. fingers crossed for no sabotaging during Operation L: NO Contact!! Recon!! That would just have me a wee bit flustered on the inside while I try maintain my cool, calm and collected but emotionally devoid exterior!!!

            I hope you have a most marvelous day Miss_S!! 😜 x

          103. Miss_stress says:

            I love the idea for the next tattoo. It is fitting….a good angel to cast your bad one out…..made Shakespeare come to mind there…this will be your bad angel,,a siren of sorts. She will be the demon, she beast. Slayed by your hunter Goddess. It is fitting.
            I ti s too bad the temptress w’s not I your left side, instead…but that cannot be changed now…..think of that she is air use an illusion, evil masquerading as good, she is I the right, upsurped the ok ace of righteous and good….while the GOddess stands sting to the left, guarding the gates, to allow no more evil to pass through to your life…..the gate Goddess of Hell and torment. Bit theatrical, maybe. But , I love the idea of the story line possibilities for both images, your personal connection to both.
            I have no tattoos, but I can appreciate the concept and the imagery and the beauty of design.

            Yes. I understand your reason for the two images, as a constant t remainder for you to remain stri ha nd vigilant and not get lost within another, through their luring and declarations of love. That you make them your world and forgets that you even exist. I suppose I do the same, but not to an extreme. But, loving so one can be emotionally consuming and we do late ourselves to them. In a realtionship with an N, they count on us doing this and they crave and encourage it, all the while draining us of who we are and what we feel and what we need…..as HG says. Subsuming. Your images will be a testament to the fact that as the temptress attempts to lure you, you see her for what she truly is, a Beast…..not a beautiful vision….and the Goddess approaches and with who swords impales the Beast where she kneels….before she ever has but an utterance or declaration of lure or love.
            Will the image of the Temptress be one in Defeat…..or one in triumph? Will she be beckoning or will she be cast down?

            Women are your downfall. Men are mine….put Hg on that pedastal….men are equally damaging as women are…just a differnt Beast.
            What you need to do. What I need to do. Is out ourselves in that Pedastal….to stand atop it proudly and survey before us, all potential and hope…..not to look down at another….man, or woman.

            To use our own emotional strength to keep the Demons at bay.
            My demons sleep close to me, so I am always aware of their operations…..I just wish I trusted my intuition more, I didn’t dismiss it for the sake of love…I will learn….he always made me seem paranoid when I sensed things. I agree with your assessment, it was to take control..I even told D to stop calling me Jana..I like the name….better then Jan, which my name gets shortened to as well. He only uses my name, when he did he false I should leave you speeches, or when he said he felt he needed to be serious, he claimed Jana was how he felt me, encompassing passion and emotion,etc….it was a a sign of disrespect because that is how I felt it at time…plus, I knew he shortened other women’s name….

            I had three guesses…..Lauren, Lucy and Lisa. I know he uses the name Lauren a lot in his fake names for ex girlfriends. Which when reading would be quite triggering, as it is in blogs and books.

            Oh, yes, change your screen name….good idea, one nevr knows…..who might be lurking, just to be save….once you determine name of your Goddess, that can be your screen name….I nevr even thought it your last name….I would remove that bit ASAP….just my opinion.

            Okay then a dress would be a better disguise for you lol….the ball cap would be better for someone like me…..my daughter has got out of dresses and skirts as well, most girls wear jeans and hoodies at her school….she is girly, but she wants to fit in too…..she wears girly stuff we we do things together, not to school anymore. I always allow her to choose her own style, since she was five. When at such time, she described herself a Tomgirl, saying ” I like to look pretty and get dirty at the same time…lol…damn right….she is strongly independent child, always has been.
            Hope your days was kind to you CJ…mine is just about start…..xx

          104. cjhawkes03 says:

            I do hope your day is coming along just swimmingly Miss_S….(ahahaha… i dont even need to type in Missouri anymore for your name to pop up… just “Mi”….. sign of overuse at all???!! Lmfao).

            I love that you have let your daughter choose here own style… i think that is the best thing a mother can do!! But yes… i also can understand her desire to fit in!!! Kids/teens around here would probably live in pants and hoodies as much as humanly possible if they could… if A)… we didn’t still have school uniforms over here!!! And B)… it wasn’t so damn hot most of the year round!!! I live almost the whole year in shorts and singles!!! In fact… i dont know if i have any proper fitting long pants anymore!!!?? It’s been a few years now since I last wore a pair of long pants to be honest!!! Hahahaha.

            I will get onto changing my screen name today as advised!! Might go for CJ*03 instead. And yes… i agree that when I settle on a name for my goddess… i can change my screen name to that lol!!!

            Oh it sounds almost like D was kinda doing what a parent does when scolding a child and calling them by their whole name…. you know what I mean surely??! Lol. Sounds like he was almost instilling that same feeling that washes over a child when they hear it… fear, embarrassment, shame, etc etc etc in you. And yes… most certainly a sign of disrespect!!!

            I LOVE the imagery you have painted in my mind with the idea of my tattoo!!! I had the same thought about the right and left legs thing momentarily…. but i love how you painted this Miss_S… the idea of her being evil masquerading as good!! And yes… the Goddess guarding the gates to prevent any more evil from passing through!!! Gives me such wonderful ideas for further work to the background and surrounding areas in the future!!! Ohhh….. I LOVE IT MISS_S….. I am an extremely visual person… i love when an image can be painted in my mind through someone’s words!!! And ofcourse i do particularly love the scene you have created her as it relates directly on such a personal deep level for me!!… yes… the personal connection to both those being tattooed on me!!! Oh I’m giddy with excitement!!! Lol.

            And yes… that constant reminder as you said to always remain ever vigilant of that darkness that I too find drawn to me on so many levels!!

            I am thinking I would like the temptress stand strong like my goddess… strong, alluring and sexy as hell…. all things consuming!! I want to be able to look down and be reminded of how evil can appear to me as such an alluring creature, dripping in sexuality and wanton with desire!! She too, in her own right, is most definately a formidable opponent for the Goddess… she stands confident which she has every right to be as she does not know the strength within the Goddess… she is truly an opponent who is worthy!!

            Oooh i am so tempted to ditch reading for tattoo designing!!…. however priorities Courtney!!!… i NEED to read right now as I need to take on as much knowledge from HG as absolutely possible right now!!! Plus… i still have an hour-hour and a half of work yet to be done to finish my Goddess first!!! 😉

          105. Miss_stress says:

            Hi, CJ..I messaged yesterday, as I am on holiday soon. Tomorrow, so will be mostly absent from blog during that time, but will check in periodly and see how you are doing and before meeting, is it this Friday or next Friday? I will use holiday from work as a positive energy reboot, so to speak 😊
            You are lucky to live in such a meant climate country….winters here are brutal and long…..often from November to April. With quite hot summers. I prefer the Autumn best.

            Omg yes, CJ, like scolding a child by only using my full name. I was so used to hearing the name he referred to call me, I was almost shocked when he used my real name. I bet that was exactly why he did it….arghh.
            Yes, I understand you me about the image of the temptress…to remain in the alluring state, the beckoning aspect, to present the truth to you that, though evil is ugly in its true nature, it can present esthetically otherwise. Excellent..they will be represented as equals….but, will the warrior goddess then appear to be the evils nd the temptress the innocent? Which in that. Isn’t that factual as well, smear campaigns, how they paint us as in the wrong, harmful, when they are the perpetrators of such. Brilliant concept again. So many layers to those images CJ.
            Will you image the temptress to look anything like Louise? In any manner to serve as a constant reminder on your every being? Or will sen be the opposite of her?
            Yes finish the Godess first, then name her and then start in your Temptress, here is a lesson….do not out your temptress before your own needs😊 even I this situation, you must come first. Yes, reading, xo please your Goddess and then construct the temptress, I would rather say deconstruct, but, perhaps in another sense, once you can assume No contact.
            Thank for message CJ……you must or hopefully , are in dreamland now…..have a fabulous day when You awake……
            J x

          106. cjhawkes03 says:

            P.s… funny you do mention Lauren and Lisa in the L you were thinking… i have a cousin Lauren who seems to perhaps be crossing further to the darkness herself in some ways!!

            And i have another ex, Lisa, who was bordering on a N in her own right also!!! She did a number on me too in between my bursts of having Louise back in my life then gone again!!!

            Maybe I need to put a ban on all future L’s…. dating criteria point 1… if your name starts with L, your out!! Lmfao

          107. cjhawkes03 says:

            Random thought as to why else that tattoo would be absolutely awesome… i have always wanted to have my own version of both good and “evil” in my eyes represented on myself lol!!

            Just a random thought right now!!! As well as thinking about recon and reading ill be able to catch up on tomorrow!! … quadruple checked for no appointments or meeting to jump out at me 2moro!!! Lmfao

          108. Miss_stress says:

            We all have good and evil I think, the differnce is, some of us repress the evil, to do good, where others like N’s repress the good to focus in evil……there is light and darkness in us all, in diffent measures of both.
            It is when one force overrides and rules the other, that damage to self and others can occur. The empath focuses on her light, the narcissist , their dark. To reverse the focus would be self destruction….I believe both can be harnessed to not be detrimental, that say if ones dark is I their thoughts and they use to empower themselves and not hurt others, that those thoughts can be transformed into the light of self. That Hg for example who is of darkness, can take his brilliance, which is light and illuminate the darkness others feel for good. No one is all good or bad, all darkness, all light. We are each in differnt measure. As long as the scales balance, chaos is avoided. When the scales tip, is when we see destruction of self and others occur.
            Good to check on meetings…..happy reading and recon…..add relaxing in there too.

          109. Miss_stress says:

            CJ…I fired off last message as I had call coming in. I want to clarify something, I am a light worker, so I am light, the darkness I feel is related to the consuming negative energy of the darkness around me, which I am highly sensitive to. I feel its presence, it is very strong in this forum. But, there is a balance with the light as well. But….thee is a shift occurring. Darkness attachs to light for one reason only..to consume. Darkness seeks to destroy that which is good a source and turn it to harm, of self or others. I am aware of this and those who do so. Even when they think I am aware, I see and feel them a nd know how and what they are. Any interaction I have with darkness is purely to infuse my light. The by product is slight assimilation, is, where say D, who I will add is not true darkness, he is misguided only. Whereby, I feel sadness , sorrow, depression, self loathing..that is the shadow they cast upon light. Then it is our job to disperse such and find our light again. I am not drawn to darkness. I see it for what it is. It is however drawn to me, with the exception that I know what it is and cannot be so easily tempted by their design. So , in comparisons your Goddess is righteous and light, even though she slays, she avenges for the cause of the righteous and good. Whereas your temptress is darkness, she has one purpose….destruction of soul. They are opposing forces, a reminder to you of which side You chose to live your life. Freedom of spirit or Imprisonment of soul. It is your soul telling you, the reason to get these tattoos, that you are yourself in battle with these forces with others and yourself. Knowing that you are easily tempted by darkness and that you seek ways to remain in the light. Knowing the allure of darkness. As with Ns and Their kind, they aptly know how to weave their dark magic to tempt others from the light. Keeping a vigilant awareness of this, is something to be mindful of. I know I always am. That would be my take I the light an dark, good and bad and avenge and seductress.
            Do no harm….cling to the absence of hate, which can darken ones heart, darkness encourages hate. I am no angel, I am but one soul. Being aware if they around Us and if we succumb, to remove ourselves when we feel ready and avoid battle if possible. I am aware of such forces…..None of us are exempt from temptation, especially when it calls to us under the guise of love and light.
            That’s my two cents, worth, CJ. If it makes any sense. My advice is if you wish to avoid temptation then be aware of those around you and their motives. Always question and trust your inner voice. We far too often silence it.

          110. HG Tudor says:

            Darkness is ever present and pervasive. If there is no light darkness prevails. Darkness is the default setting.

          111. Miss_stress says:

            Yours, not mine.

          112. cjhawkes03 says:

            Oh… i feel the need to argue this point HG!!!… if you were not capable of some light… you would not end up wrapped up in the person your pedestal… your world focused solely on the good times with them….. no matter how small that frame last??!!! Just my thoughts on this at the moment!!!

            In saying this tho…. my thoughts are ever in a state of ebb and flow at this point in time…. lol….

          113. cjhawkes03 says:

            Goodmorning Miss_S… hang on.. good evening I should say?!! I hope you have had a most wonderful day!!

            So… update on Operation no contact L… i feel like we should be renaming it to something a little more conspicuous… less obvious…. thoughts Miss_S??! Operation________ ?? Feel to jump in here HG with something humorous and witty as i KNOW you have something swirling around in that always on the go mind of yours??! Lol.

            Anyways…. operation________ update… did some recon yesterday however 1 major flaw in the coffee shop …. her 8 year old daughter will be with her and I am sure she will want somewhere like Hungry Jack’s/maccas instead so that Sarah can go play on the outdoor equipment for a while??! Plus HJ’s or maccas is cheaper with less chance of her trying to pull the…. “i cant afford it here” card and also she is more inclined to agree to HJ’s/maccas also as well because I sure she will probably want a decent feed for herself and the kids (herself in particular as im sure that considering the friend she is staying with… she is probably spending day in, day out drugged up to her eyeballs on God knows what illicit substances!!!). So yes… thinking a change in venue to HJ’S is the way to go and to avoid major lunch rush… thinking about 11am or holding of until about 2pm!! Thoughts Miss_S??! Although…. in saying that also…. is it better to stick with the coffee shop which would force her to behave even better again because her daughter has to remain seated with us??! It would be the $$ thing tho still then that would be an issue and I sure as hell am not paying for absolutely anything for her!! She has leeches enoughb $$ out of my… its ridiculous just how much $$ she has managed to leech out of me!!!

            Yea… l dont know!! But yes… thought and in put are most definately welcome here Miss_S and HG too!!!

            Still in the throws of my somewhat tech blackout!! Didn’t get as much reading done as i would have liked yesterday as unfortunately something else came up that I had to deal but fingers crossed for a more settled day today (minus my therapy appointment!!) and the chance to get much more reading done in the process!!

            I hope you have a good evening Miss_S and i will endeavour to keep you updated as always lol 😉 x

          114. Miss_stress says:

            I above one CJ….Operation Lorelei…….number one..L, number two, Lorelei is another name for seductress or temptress…just a thought…
            Do not change venue Cj, to accommodate her, I have taken my daughter that age with me, as long as her daughter, has a device, iPod, iPad etc, a book, or something to amuse her time, she will be fine. You don’t want a long drawn out time there…..a restaurant, waiti gf ri food. Eating etc…..if she chooses to bring her daughter. Then advice her to ensure her daughter has something to amuse who time, and have her daughter sit at the table beside usual where she can be seen, but cannot Listen to conversation so well.
            Food thinking, she may try to change venue….don’t allow it…..she can get a regular coffee or tea etc there and her daughter can have a hot chocolate or milkshake….
            Good preemptive thinking CJ.
            And for that matter. She doesn’t need to eat or drink anyhting……as long as you buy something you can all sit there, and no don’t buy for them either.
            Thank you Cj for letting me know how things are…..keep up the positivity and analytical thinking. You will be in Escape soon enough, in both respects. X

          115. cjhawkes03 says:

            Why thank you Miss_S… i do very much so appriciate your input into everything!!… i agree completely with what you have said now that you have pointed it out to me… the restaurant thing and how that’s an invitation to her almost to draw things out!! And yes… your right also in saying that her daughter can sit a table over with a device or a book or something!!!

            Im glad you agree with my analysing of all aspects and preemptive thinking tho!!! Your very correct too in saying that as long as i buy… it don’t matter if she doesn’t as we can all sit there!!! And yes… no way will she get a damn cent out of me for anything else!!! The amount of money she has managed to swindle me out so far……. no… nor happening!!!

            Operation Lorelei is not correct lol!! Actually… Lorelei is not such a common name here in Oz as im guessing it is over there!! No… its Operation Louise: NO Contact!! Lol

            And its my pleasure keeping you updated… its great to have someone I can talk to about it to be honest!! X

          116. Miss_stress says:

            You are welcome CJ. No, Lorelei wasn’t my guess, it is another name for seductress or temptress. It was more a statement.
            I wouldn’t have guess Louise, at all. That is an Old fashioned name here, no one under 60 would have that name here.

            Yes, spend no money on her, remember , not a date and you are not obliged to cater to her wants and needs.
            I have been having issues with WordPress again, posting wise. It has been most frustrating trying to reply to posts today.
            So while I have a chance and it seems to be working now. I will keep my replies short and hope for the best.

            CJ…wanted to let you know I will gone for a time…
            Time for a cleansing from negative energy and a return to positivity. A healthy choice for anyone , who has been abused in any manner.
            Keep me posted, i will check in when possible and reply when able
            I am hoping for a successful meeting between you and Louise where after all the knowledge and advice you have taken from Hgs blog and books, empower you to assert your rights and deny any further abuse to yourself.
            I know if you stay self focused and not become distracted from your purpose and goal. You will not be lured again. It is only a question of you or her….and which you ultimately decide is more worthy. I wish that you will choose YOU. That as with your tattoos the temptress is truly not the stronger. When we have belief in ourselves more then we have desire In another, we truly are the Victor and the winner.
            I have faith in you CJ. Believe in yourself.
            Sending you love and light.

          117. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you J. I appriciate it!!! And i will bare that in mind in regards to your time away from the blog!! Thank you for letting me know as i surely would have worried about you to be honest!!

            Yes… it does come to a question of who is the more worthy party and I have no doubt whatsoever that I am in fact the worthy party so yes… as with my tattoos… the Goddess will remain Victor over the Temptress!!!

            Your very right… it comes down to my belief in myself versus my desire for her and well… i may have had a few days of weakness there… but i have no doubt the desire has disapated as her true colours come flying to the surface more and more clearly and rapidly!!!

            I wish you well on your journey to refueling as such, your positive energy supply…. i have a feeling that I am in need of this something chronic right now lol. My thoughts are with you J xx

          118. Miss_stress says:

            Lol, not refueling….I am always in high output from my own emotions….just removing myself from my environment and engaging in different activities and feeling positive and not thinking about D. My daughter are going away for several days with a male friend, known him for years and years before D, only family friend, so his daughter is going as well. I am removing any guilt I would feel as I also lessened communcation with my friend, because D was jealous of him, we previously worked together….there is nothing romantic between us.
            Mind you I nevr told others so he doesn’t find out, he recently hoovered me via email and I trashed it with no reply. I don’t enact his negative energy ruining time with my friend and daughter.
            So I that sense, I am hoping for a fun and pleasant and positive time away, fingers crossed. I will have iPad with me and when have service will pop in blog to check in and question HG 😏
            Yes, we do need pastime changes CJ, things that make us happy, not people who do….we will get there, I know we will. Because we are trying.
            Hope you managed some decent sleep….have a great day xxx

          119. nikitalondon says:

            Have very nice vacations Jana. Enjoy ☀️

          120. Miss_stress says:

            Thank you Nikita….it will nice to have a change if scenery. I have most of my vacation time in October, only a week off now. But with my work schedule, to assist In the care of my father and my daughter, I have more days off during week due to longer work shifts.
            Have you any holiday time this summer , Nikita?

          121. nikitalondon says:

            Yes a change of scenery Jana is relaxing and fullfilling. I did go on vacations and came back Sunday. I anyway stayed tuned with the blog except for when I was flying. I went back to my homecountry 💝😃.
            Miracle and shiny were rescued during my vacations.
            Are you going to the mountains, the ocean or the big city?

          122. Miss_stress says:

            The Ocean, the mountains in the Autumn. I love the leaves changing.
            That’s wonderful Nikita in holiday home….aww, did miracle and a shiny stay with your mum. Or come home with you?
            When I am in my own time, I can determine better what I am doing, which two other people and they invited us to spend the time with them.

          123. nikitalondon says:

            They stayed with my mother as she has a huge house with a garden and they were below flying age. I had to convince a vet 45 min before plane takes off to sign a paper that they could fly. I found them in an island.
            They either took the risk to fly ir died in abandonment. Today they are super big and super healthy and play the whole day. I have videos .
            Enjoy the time jana ☀️

          124. Miss_stress says:

            Wonderful, that fantastic Nikita…I am off in minutes…..we are driving…six hours and a ferry ride.
            Hugs xx

          125. nikitalondon says:

            Enjoy 😃😃

          126. Miss_stress says:

            Taking five minutes to pop in….have wonderful day Nikita.

          127. nikitalondon says:

            Its getting night here 😃 But anyway thanks We can change day for evening. Hope you had good traveling and enjoy. I would like to be like you again on vacations … 😃

          128. CJ*03 says:

            Ahh… i wish I could say I was in dreamland however far from it!! Last night was the worst of them all so far with an hour and a half of sleep total!!! It’s nearly 5am and ive been awake for about 3 and a half hours!!! I dont quite remember what was happening in my dream anymore… which is not something that happens to me often!!… i usually have quite excellent dream recall TBH!!… but yes… all I can remember is that i knew I was crying before I woke up and i actually felt like I was fighting against the sleep to wake up!!! Like sleep would not let me out of its grasps…. forcing me to remain in a only semi aware state!! I would be very interested to know more about this….why it happened?? The significance of my sleep/unconscious state, literally not allowing me to return to the concious realm??!!! Please do share J if you know anything that can shed some light on this?? And please, you too HG??!

            Ahh fair enough.. not refueling… engaging in different activities that make you feel more positive!!! It actually sounds like it will be a fantastic trip for you and your daughter!!! If you dont mind me asking… how old are you both??! I understand what that feels like… to be running on high emotional output all the time… obviously I do too!!! Lol!! (I mean… duh… ofcourse i do… if you do then I do too… are we not beginning to see how bizarre we are alike in those sort of things yet???!!! Hahahahaha).

            Is D your daughters father?? I’m sorry if that was not appropriate to ask…. i just figure that i wont know if it’s not appropriate if i do not ask!!!

            I’m glad you still have friends you can do that with. I unfortunately find myself In a position where I can’t do that!! I do think have any friends left that this is possible for me to do that with. Either L successfully stripped me of them!! Or i did it to myself in the same act of going back to her that final time!! So yes… i had to come to terms with this finally 2 nights ago in an extreamely painful and emotionally intense night 2 nights ago that UNFORTUNATELY resulted in certain borderline behaviours of mine coming to fruition!!! Im feeling shame and embarrassment now however I can’t change it!! And i see it at the lesser of 2 evils… hurt myself or contacted L thinking I have to go back coz I can’t live with not having anyone that close to me anymore!!! So yes… accepting it as something I can live with and hurting myself in the meantime OR not accepting it and running back into the evil clutches of her??!!! F#CK NO!!! See… lesser of 2 evils however still not a optimal outcome!!

            I can just imagine hoe jelious D would have been!!! I can relate to that in many ways as that is 1 trait the borderline and the narc share!!… insane jeliousy!! However in saying that… i do not that quite alot of past jeliousness has been a result of jeliousy inducing behaviours!!! But no… i do get extremely possessive!!! So yes.. no a trait im proud of at all but one I have to accept none the less in the name of all I am trying to do as of the last few days with coming to accept myself including the darkness i was never willing to. I cannot change it if i cannot accept it!!

            I am struggling with the idea of having things that make me happy and not people as ive always been dependant on that person on the pedestal!!

            I’m glad you have faith in us getting there tho J as im struggling a little with my faith as i type this!!

            I hope you have an amazing trip and re energise as well as fill yourself to the brim with that positivity your needing!! Xx

          129. HG Tudor says:

            Are you taking any medication?

          130. CJ*03 says:

            Ahh… i wish I could say I was in dreamland however far from it!! Last night was the worst of them all so far with an hour and a half of sleep total!!! It’s nearly 12am and ive been asleep for about 2 hours!!! I dont quite remember what was happening in my dream anymore… which is not something that happens to me often!!… i usually have quite excellent dream recall TBH!!… but yes… all I can remember is that i knew I was crying before I woke up and i actually felt like I was fighting against the sleep to wake up!!! Like sleep would not let me out of its grasps…. forcing me to remain in a only semi aware state!! I would be very interested to know more about this….why it happened?? The significance of my sleep/unconscious state, literally not allowing me to return to the concious realm??!!! Please do share J if you know anything that can shed some light on this?? And please, you too HG??!

            Ahh fair enough.. not refueling… engaging in different activities that make you feel more positive!!! It lpplpjust figure that i wont know if it’s not appropriate if i do not ask!!!

            I’m glad you still have friends you can do that with. I unfortunately find myself In a position where I can’t do that!! I do think have any friends left that this is possible for me to do that with. Either L successfully stripped me of them!! Or i did it to myself in the act of going back to her that final time!!ogwstkgbbbbbbb

            Why is it that you ask about the medication?? I have been on and off so many different drugs over so much time!! My experience and resppone to most of them is somewhat okay!!!

          131. HG Tudor says:

            I ask because I suspect that is what is affecting your sleep alongwith your hypervigilant state. There is a tug of war going on and you feel like you are in the middle.

          132. CJ*03 says:

            Well i actually have been off all anti-depressant, antipsychotics and benzo type medication (for the first time since around age 13 when I was first diagnosed as depressed and PTSD) however in saying that…. it would be around the 3 month mark now…. probably longer…. that i have been off them now…. however…. there is another particular medication i am on 4 the ADHD part of me that very much so can affect sleep patterns etc!!! There is also another very significant medication in my system that i will not discuss openly however I am very open to sharing it with you over email if you are interested in learning any more lol!! But i have no doubt in my mind that too is playing a role in my sleep deprivation too!!! I very much so like the way you have described it however…. that tug-of-war experience happening.

            I do have a question however…. is it possible to still be in a state of hyper vigilance even though I have actually been quite happy distracted with my BPD cycle of sorts….. where i have found another source of “fuel” if you will…. for myself, that yes… has very happily taken away all thought of L??? She has not crossed my mind in about 2 days except during discussion at my therapist appt yesterday!! Could or would I still be hypervigilant despite being completely unaware of it???

          133. HG Tudor says:

            I would suggest that you have to experience the hypervigilance to have it remain. If you are distracted by something else, the HV has abated, at least for a time.

          134. CJ*03 says:

            Ahh excellent!! Yes… i am happily distracted smashing down your books… your blog and just information in general. Info fuel me to a degree… i can get quite obsessive when i start to learn something new and yes… it very much so boost me as well… who doesn’t like to feel smart lmfao??!!! So yes… i happily push myself and push the limits of my mind. I find it very energising and all too distracting!!! I am very glad that you are such a prolific writer…i am glad that there is what seems like a never ending supply of information lol!!
            Cheers HG!!

          135. HG Tudor says:

            Good. Keep it going.

          136. Miss_stress says:

            I am at friends house we will be embarking on adventure in hour or so, so wanted to take time away for. All the business where to reply to you CJ.

            I am sorry. Sleep has been evading you. It is most likely relate to the anxiety are feeling over the L back in town and the up coming face to face, after so much time. Is there anything else or anyone else recntly that has created an further inner or emotional turmoil for you I. Your life. That could be providing residual stres up top of that you already feel regarding L? Family. Friends, et cetera

            Distractions are wonderful if they are healthy distractions, if they feed into or exacerbate the the emotional stress you are already experiencing then they too are toxic and triggering for you.

            Try to back track what has been occuring I usurp life in the last week, outside of al that could be triggering this within you. If you can determine it, then you can also cease it.

            I have had dreams like this before, potentially exhaustion, stress, anxiety a nd symptoms of BPD colliding. So it manifests in dream like state as well. Your body and mind is in need of sleep, the dream is disturbing you so you are in need to wake…their is a clash of conscious and unconscious states. I gave had drams where

            Re when I do wake I am so groggy and disoriented I question whether ei am still asleep, and drams where I am certain I am awake and then realize I am still dreaming. Lucid dreaming effects me quite often. I relate it to a rich imagination while in dream state, an ever a,eat mind that is always thinking even when asleep, manifestation of fears, conflict of fear and desire and the struggle to resolve conflicts when awake, that I bring them into my dream world, which I turn effects me when awake, as air call all dreams vividly.

            My ex would day, but it was on,y a dream…I disagree, some are quite disturbing. I have have prophetic dreams when I dreams something repetively and then it happens and dram is broken. Those are disturbing as they often relate to others and relaying such drams to those who balk at such things doesn’t make me feel good inside, when trying to help someone.

            I know you said you discontinued your medication and have some medication for anxiety, which I encourage you take on your face to face meeting. If this medication is a Prn only, that is can be taken at time when needed to alleviate symptom you feel. You never did say if you stopped meds do,d turkey without dr advisement? Which is not good for your physical or emotional health. My friend stops his meds in his own and he has had relapses which have been quite bad with S.I. I am concerned that this does not occur for you and the heightening of the meeting is creating more and more stress for you. Hence the self harm. I am aware if such coping strategies and it is your right. I wish we could have been able to talk about your feelings before you self harmed. Was there anything else that triggered you to self harm, any conversation or engagement with anyone that created a sense of loss or need in you. It was not al wa air, did you txt or call You. Was it missing have a close physical connection to someone again? To L or anyone? Was it for, anxiety, despair that propelled you to cut? Or was it just an intense feeling that knowing if you do what you did that feeling would be gone..simply way to remove emotion? Please don’t feel shame, it is how you cope at such times. But, do to allow yourself to feel it is her or you, I the sense you contact her or hurt yourself. In that situation I advocate you contact her, as you can then remove your self again from her, you do have power where CJ. I would much rather you contact her fill the need that makes you want to self harm, not self harm, not feel guilty for contacting her and then step back and assess again. There is no shame either way. We all go back, it takes time. You are not weak, if you call her or want to see her. This is your life ONLY and your choice ONLY. The most important thing here is your physical and mental health, in my mind. But, NO ONE has a right to judge journey choices, except you. I certainly will not. I am sorry you had to cut, but I am glad you are okay and not seriously harmed. But please remove your guilt and shame, I know it so well, it hurts you as much as the cutting. Let it go. It is done. You can restart again. We call can xxx

            I won’t discuss it further. Just now, I am not Judging any of your choices. I only give my opinion.

            I am 39 now as of April ..my daughter is 12. No D is not her father, I have only known D four years after leaving her father, due to his alcoholism, he is also bi polar, but that wasn’t a reason at all. He did self medicate his BP with alcohol. I left as it was best for my daughter and myself. I wanted her to only know her daddy in a positive way. We are still friendly. He is still an albatross to me, when drinking and he is an egotist, not same as Narcissist. Highly creative and intelligent and musical. Boasting is endless when intoxicated.

            I get jealous too, when lied and cheated on. When they flirt in front of me. D had no reason to get jealous of me, I am so loyal and faithful. I only ever saw him, there was no other woman. j am always the same way. I believe in love and loyalty. Why I tried so hard in this abusive relationships. I suppose he was so unfaithful he judge me according to his own behaviours. He would always tell me I so patient with him, better then any other women he had been with. Hence, I put up with a lot.

            I lost many friends as a result of him and other men and the things they would say and do and friends being any at me for. Supporting these men, that I loved. I am surprised at those who stood by me and I am grateful. I am not the type to push aside friends for a man, I have many friend who do that. I do my best to include everyone in my life.

            Maybe Cj you can look at the pedastal issue….not maki g one owes on your world, but making many part of your life, including yourself. It is N the need to be loved and feel loved. I want that too. But not at the cost of myself anymore, that is the key, if that is the cost, then I choose to be alone.

            L doesn’t deserve, but someone else does and will. Be patient, as this is such the time that the wolves will clamour to your door. By scent alone. I know this. Why I resist temptation. This is the time when the wrong one will swoop in and attach to you they will sense it or know it already. And because his feel lonely and in need , they will seem perfect for the pedastal. But they will not be, they will be an illusion as well. But, if you step back when You are about to pedastalized another and make a list. Why do you want this person, what can this person give you, do you want them to feel better or do you want them to make you happy or your make them happy. It might sound silly. But it works for me. I am a pros and cons, shouldn’t seen D list……not that I didn’t know but the con side looked like Santa nice list….for me writing thoughts out and Reading them helps me decide better.

            CJ you only need faith In one thing..YOURSELF.

            Sorry if this is nonsensical I am writing to get all thoughts in as quxik as I can.

            Yes, thank you in trip, will be back next week. Will check in tomorrow sometime, not sure when though.

            Yes positive energy, to be clear, in care of any confusion, you are not negative energy to me…I don’t feel overwhelmed at all conversing with you CJ. I am sure you knew that but in case you didn’t I wanted to say it. I dint understand the how much alike, if I do, the. You do? I am sure you are not mirroring me, I think it is similarities in how we think and react as we both are highly emotional. I know I am way to emotional and negative energy can overwhelm, people, who abuse and misuse others, I see them and fee, them. When I cannot stop them, that effects me as well. When I need to back away fir them. Energy vampires tend to attach to me, Exocet they think they can drain me, I don’t drain…I nevr have. I should, what I have been through….I just maintain. I get highly upset and then I return to base. I can’t explain it, I am sure I am not normal, In Many sense of the word lol

            Okay. I need to end here. I wish for a good day for you CJ, a peaceful and calm day. xx

          137. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you J for your wonderful reply and so much for me to take on board… it was truly helpful!!!
            I am not far off bed now so I will keep this short and sweet in hopes you may recieve it before the hour is through!!

            I will do as you have said with the cutting….. let it go. It is done!! This might sound like it’s very sane thinking on my part…. but I’d still rather resort to cutting before contacting her…. thats how desperately i want nothing to do with her!!! But ive had a couple of good days since where I feel my strength returning full steam and im ready to be done for good with her. I made that clear to her 2nite. She is dragging out this face to bloody face so I text her today to tell her that in no uncertain terms, she either contacts asap to sort this out otherwise it doesn’t happen at all and she can post it!! I have never felt more confident in the fact that her and I are finished!!!

            I will leave it at that for now but I will reply in full whenever it is that i wake!! I have many thoughts on all you have written so I am very eager to write again lol.

            Enjoy the rest of your trip and I look forward to hearing from you soon x

          138. Miss_stress says:

            Hi CJ…thank you for messages, you sound so much more positive, that is fantastic to read. I hope this maintains for many more days, do you think after the measures you took the other day, that helped released some of the addiction, as well as pain towards L for you?

            My energy levels do not wane, what occurs is the toxicity and negativity of those others around me in real or cyber world and or both….can impact on my own emotional fortitude. When I know of deceptions, manipulations and overall unkind behaviour of others towards..myself or others. I take it on, internalize it and try to figure it out to banish it.
            Or I try to do is it, remove it from my thinking and life. The main point is, I know it is there. It is prevalent, so many vipers in the nest of a previous haven… so to speak…I can sense the vipers, and they know I sense them. Say with someone like D, Ignored the signs, until they could no longer be pushed from My mind, when they were verified by facts. No longer simply assumptions made by me. So they then become defensive with me, and their defensive adds to that negative energy. Not sure if that makes sense?

            Think of it this way, when someone pretends to be something they are not and everyone around them thinks they are something else that they pretend to be…but there stands I, seeing them for that they truly are and they see me, seeing them and thusly, attempt to remove me as I am then preceived as a threat.

            It happened in work environments, where staff were neglectful and Abusive to clients, I saw it, advocated For the sake of clients, where as no one would speak up for the clients, as they were too afraid of the ones causing the abuse or fear of even losing their own jobs for being perceived as a none team player. Such things saddens me, where people stand by In Public and watch a parent berate their child or physical absue them and say nothing, but watch …I cannot be that way.,I will always speak up and address behaviour that is harmful to others. Regardless of the ramifications to me. That makes me a target for the sociopaths and narcissists in another sense as well. I see them for what they are. I have no intention to harm them , but I also wil not allow them to harm others either. They attach to me for what they seek to take and manipulate from me, then realize I know what they are ( through my questions of them, not me telling them Persay ) and then they become angry at themselves for not being aware I am aware of them and thusly seek to harm me. I will not harm another, which seethes them even more so. That I will never turn to how they are.
            So that is a hugely long explanation of the concept of negative energy attaching and Effecting me.
            Yes, I prefer to remove toxic people from my life….those who intentionally seek to harm others. I will nevr fault anyone for illness or anyone trying to better their understanding of self. But, those whose sole purpose is to harm, well, I cannot be party to such, in any form. If they do not wish my assistance or acceptance then I will let them go with love.

            So, perhaps this is where you are now with L? Perhaps you have reached a place where you realize there is only harm, only toxicity….sure there is chemistry, attraction, lust and so forth….but. Underneath all that, what is there really that serves your needs to be YOU and to heal and to be HAPPY?

            I feel good Where I am emotionally…realizing that being alone , sans a relationship is right for me now. I am aware of what will attach to me and I am avoiding it. Shutting it out. If we truly know ourselves and look deeply into our own psyche, then we know what we should avoid. I know this, men have always chosen me, not vice versa. If I am too find a healthy relationship that benefits me.then I must choose him. For , recognizing the reasons why we are chosen is invaluable, CJ?
            Just look at this blog, everyone’s stories, the differnt personalities that are here as well and why. Not everyone is here to heal and understand themselves,, as we are. Some are here for reasons of their own. To recognize your suroundings and those around you. To know, when someone is not healthy for you. To recognize the chemical reaction you have experienced many a time in relationships, and when you feel it again, know why you feel it, see it as a sign, a trigger to toxicity. I do this, okay, he likes me…why does he like me? What does he want for. Me? Why do I like him? If it is only because he likes me and show me attention, flatters me, tell me that which he knows I need to hear…then he is wrong for me. Then he is like the others. Or does he challenge me, does he want to Listen to me when I am low or sad or seeking answers.? Will he cry with me and not make me feel ashamed for my emotions? Will he be Interested in the real me, not just how I look, sex or what I can give or do for him? What will he do and give to me, not in a material sense, but in An emotional sense…..this can go on and on..but you get the idea….as much as we question the world around. Us, we must question ourselves as well. Then we can grasp who is genuine and who is deceiving us or using us for their own needs. We are givers, and takers will always be drawn to givers. Should we stop giving? No!!! What we must do, is refuse to be taken !!!

            My friend, I have know him six years,we worked together, in field few men choose to work in, compassion wise. If I was totally honest, I will say this is the type of man I should be with, and I have wondered if it werenot for being In other relationship, like with D…would I have been? He was always kind and attentive to me at work and outside work. Always Listens to me, challenges me, does not put me on a pedestal, but recgnizes me as good and allows me to see it. He is always respectful to me, I am so greatful for his friendship. Especially as a man. And how so many men have abused me. I wondered as well. Perhaps I nevr felt I deserved such a good man. That my childhood issues created a barrier to allow me to accept that someone like that could care for me or love me. So I stopped thinking about it. This isn’t a sexual relationship, it is truly a friendship. He has told me how he feels about me otherwise. I accept his feelings as he nevr imposes them on me. His children really like me as I do them, and he and his children are wonderful to my daughter. Many people have enoduraged me to leave D and be with this man. Tbh, I am ashamed of staying with D so long, but. He has nevr made me feel this shame. He understood my reasonings and respectfully chose not to mention D when I saw him.

            There was a another man years ago, if not for another narcisisist, my ex Mn husband, I would have been with him. He made me happy… For all the right reasons. As well, to add if so, I would nevr have had either narcisisist in my life relationship wise. He was master manipulator, the MN and ensured he won me as he had big plans for me. I will say this, MN didn’t win in the end and this man and I reconnected and have remained friends. This man, also not a narcissist. He is a friend of my daughters paternal grandparents in the Uk, older then me. He is early fifties now. Every year we visit Uk we spend time with him. Well not while I was with D, as D hated him and felt threatened by his existence. I was forbade to even mention his name….both N were the same on this man..I think because they both knew, he was better man then them and thusly a threat for my attentions….both forgetting how loyal I am. Which I always found insulting by them both. But, I had no control while with her grandparents whom they invited to their home, et cetera. Her grandparents adore him.

            We plAn to permanently move to Uk in next few years. No more back and forth. I will be happier where I am suppose to me. Right now, I am here for my father, after my mum passed away. I suppose we are all where we are meant to me, until we decide to move or change. That applies to location, relationships and even our own. Emotional mindset.

            So I do have men who are good and kind and decent. Which also proves I do not attach to men. Unless in a loving mutual relationship. I stayed and tried so long with D, that maybe I have exhausted my ideals and possibilities. Or perhaps, I am afraid to brooch them anymore,
            Regardless……I could be with these two men or several others. I chose not to be. I am greatful for their friendships. I am thankful because of these other men and my poor choices, the good ones never abandoned me.
            I wanted to give you some insight into relationship dynamics for me.

            CJ…the good attention and love you seek is out there. Waiting for you to be ready for it….it might be someone you already know, someone who quietly stood by and resounded your relationship wit L or someone you will meet who will understand you and your own needs. But at this time when you are in turmoil emotionally. That person may not find you. As someone else who is wrong will first. I am not saying put up barriers, I am saying more, take off blinders.

            They have all gone swimming, I am here replying to messages and emails.

            I know I think too much. But, maybe some of it makes sense to you to helps you. It is not said to hurt you. Sadly, the by product of some things I say comes across hurtful.
            I was happy to read , that you are strong in your remove for L. That you are reading and understanding and recognizing more in yourself, as well. This all serves you well.

            It is important others understand us, hear us. I have asked so many questions and get so few answers. So I have to muddle through and figure it all out on my own. Which at times frustrates my overthinking ways. I have received much valuable advice and Input form people on here, including yourself. Which makes me think and question In the right direction.
            HG, has even answered some of my personal questions, which I have been most appreciative of. I am desperately seeking advisement for any source that can help or is willing to listen.
            Such as what happend with D hoovering me. I had to make that decision alone. I made the wrong choice to seek answers from him, knowing he would deny what he is and only seek fault me for asking and continue to lie and cheat and deceive me.

            I guess, I wanted to afford him what I would wish for myself, to be given a chance by the person who loves me and is willing to support me, in more of an emotional sense. Sometimes the only fuel they want is the unaware kind, the pump you up till you explode with adulation, disingenuine or otherwise. It is merely an ego trip. It is not our job to praise falsely to make someone else feel complete , while making ourselves feel less. Praise is to be given when one genuinely feels it, it is like someone saying they love you ….when you know they do not….it is on,y the reactions we have to the wordsmith not the meaning behind the word. D always told me he loved me, right to the end, every day…..only words….if they cannot show you want that love means….they words become meaningless.
            I make my words meaningful. If I challenge, it is out of love, the same reason I praise. I do not seek to harm others with my words or actions. I am proud, that regardless of my own life circumstances, I have never resorted to following someone else’s darkened path.

            If you remain true to who you are CJ, then that is something to always feel proud about,
            I will check in tomorrow.
            Also if I am completely honest again, this holiday, I only agreed to go, for my daughter and for him, as it was something that would make them happy. My daughter really wanted us to come and so did his daughter. I had holiday time, so I had no valid reason to decline. He asked to make me happy, I agreed to make them happy…mutuality. It really is the key to any relationship dynamic. In doing for others, for the right reasons, we also gain vicariously in some respect. My gain, is, we all have happy holiday. I wasn’t thinking it might make me happy. I know he was. It was for her and Him, I agreed. But, this is a win win scenario, for me, him and them. Unlike the situation with N’s, where they look to win and we so often lose.

            I better partake In the fun and sunshine and day…..it is 11:50 am here. Wow, I wrote lots..been writing half hour now. I better get a move on. Before I get complaints of being on tablet too much or taking too long to get ready…lol

            Wishing you a lovely and happy day too CJ.

          139. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you for your reply J. You have again given me much to think on.

            I am once more close to turning in for the night however I will endeavour to do as I did yesterday and get back to you in the morning – my time!!!

            I will admit…. that im feel alot of emotion smashing through me right now after you reading your post here and yes… i really think I need to have some time to mull stuff over!!

            It’s very hard for me to take my blinders off as you wrote…. because when I do, I am faced with the horrid belief i have on the fact that i small truly unlovable therefore must settle for what I can get (in saying that however….. L will not be what I settle for…. i am more than ready to finish it for good!!! I actually let her know today that she has until 5pm Tuesday… and i mean 5pm… the second my phone ticks over to 5.01pm… the door is shut!!.. so she has until then to contact me to sort out a time to do this damn face to face she wants… and even that must be done by the end of this week!! After that, if turns up then she will not get to see me. If she refuses to leave… i will call the authorities! So yes…. ive made blindingly clear how very done i am with very clear time frames because I will not have her continuing to drag this out for any longer. I’m so sick of the game as it is!!! As I just replied to HG… she made he BIGGEST mistake in trying to do this game YET AGAIN… by trying to take control by doing the silent treatment thing so she could drag it out to what suits her… was truly the stupidest mistake she could have made!!! So yes… its very clear that i am finished and out!!!… will keep you posted however as to how the next couple of days play out!!!).

            I will leave it there for now but yes… thank you J for getting back to me while your away!! Truly says something about who you are!! Xxx have fun!!
            – Courtney

          140. Miss_stress says:

            Hi CJ
            I am on briefly as it is morning here, 8:30 am….I am happy to reply to you. I am concerned for how you feel and the situation facing you. I know the importance of feeling supported as well. I am just sorry I don’t have as much time to reply. I will do so again tonight.
            This is wonderful and strongly forceful declaration …..5pm……good…do NOt waiver as she will come up with excuses to change or delay to why she didn’t show up….it is I. Your control and if needed you can go the DVO route, which if you Cesar,y define that to her, steps that will be taken if she harasses you by showing up at your home etc…..she is paying games and you have enough to contend with that her games are unneeded.
            I am proud of your decisiveness….hold to it.
            I am pleased HG is responding to you through our messages and offering you some support. I am sure he speaks for me as well.in his words!
            I wish you well and peace from. All this distress…..victory is Yours!!!

          141. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you very much indeed J!!! Yes… it is true…. there is absolutely nothing that she could say to me that i would either believe or accept!!! I would bet almost everything I have on the fact that this is her play….. SOME GAMES DO GET OLD!!!! I know this one just too bloody well hahaha
            And just to add fuel to already simmering flames… im seriously considering texting her possible other phone if her other ex is still paying for it (as i just realised thats her only escape rout right now…. that she doesn’t have her new phone or its not working or whatever so she never got the text!!! So i better send it to that old phone to just to sure!!!) Along with with a wee added msg ….

            “Thought I better forward the text to this phone too…. wouldn’t want you to think you could pull the ‘ive never got your texts’ card now, would we???!!” Hahahaha Oh I think would be quite entertaining some how to know how she would be getting so cranky hahaha

            Yes….. i know… i shouldn’t add fuel to the fire sometimes….but it’s about time she got a wee bit back!!! Over 15 damn years on and off!!! Lol

          142. Miss_stress says:

            I would send the text, as it is a factual concern, what if she does claim she doesn’t get text for that very reason…..you nevr know, which is why you thought of it…..which is good to get I to her mindset with more preemptive thinking. Go with what you feel is best, trust your intuition, I whether to send text or not, or modify the wording slightly.

          143. CJ*03 says:

            Here is a copy of what was forwarded to both phones and email…

            “Ahhh… just to cover all my bases so that you cannot try and play the… “I never recieved your msg” card…. i am forwarding it onto both phones and your email!! I would hate for you to think i am not completely and utterly serious after all!!! So yes… here is the following msg again…. and i will send it to your email in due time as well!!….

            Hi. Just coz i might not have been clear enough yesterday….

            You have until 5pm this Tuesday (2/8/16), to text me re. A face to face. I do mean 5pm on the dot! The second my phone clock ticks over 5:01pm… i am finish. I said yesterday that I would not let this drag out much longer and I really mean it!! I am done with it all… i am finished. The only contact i will have with you after 5pm Tuesday will relate to the contract you have requested.

            If you turn up to my house unannounced and without my approval, I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, aford you a face to face meeting. If you refuse to leave, I will call the authorities for assistance in getting you to leave.

            I have surely made this as blindingly clear as I possibly can.

            5pm This Tuesday, the 2nd of August 2016, otherwise I am done and no face to face. If you do want to do it and you contact me… then i would like it organised to be done by the end of the week at the latest. After this time frame elapses, post will be the only means of recieving what you have, that I will be willing accept.

            Ok… thats all. Thanks.

            I think that said it perfectly clear as well as letting her know that I am well and truly onto the games and the lies etc. As i said… more fool her if she wants to respond with carrying on and drama etc. I’m not having a bar of it any longer. I have done it long enough!!!!

          144. Miss_stress says:

            Brilliant Cj….all clear and concise, the dates…..no confusion there 😊
            Did she reply back to you at all with any acknowlegement of understanding…if not, I would view that is a clear sign of f&@king with you. I am glad you mentioned police removal if she shows up at your home, so she cannot say she did not know the consquences.
            The message was pointed and assertive. Showing you are in control…great job!!!
            Yes, her time to cause shit and drama for you has passed.

          145. CJ*03 says:

            I am so very glad to hear that you approve of the text!!! It was just easiest if to copy and paste the whole msg onto here a for you to read and let me know your thoughts!!!

            I was quite happy with myself afterwards!!! Like you said, I have warned her of the consequences of her behaviour so she cannot say she didn’t know if i end up needing to call the police. And I made it VERY clear about the time AND the date so she couldn’t try use the Dat thing against me either!! Then yes, sent it 2 both phones AND HER email!!! There is ABSOLUTELY NO way out of that other than to go for her to attempt to the sob story angle and there is nothing at all i would accept!!

            Her time to cause drama and rain shit down on me and my life, has most certainly passed!!! And i agree with you too again J, she didn’t reply… which goes to show the level of arrogance she has!! She is supremely confident obviously which is really quite amazing!!

            My guess is that 1st, she will wait until time has elapsed intention… then message me sometime after on purpose coz she thinks she can and it will be 1 of 2 responses but I am more inclined to believe option A…. being, A) she will msg with some kind of hellish drama that has apparently unfolded to which I call BS!!! (Which will result in igniting her fury as HG said!!)….. or option B) she will still reply after the deadline but it will be an attempt at her showing what she thinks is righteous indignation at me setting the limits etc. How dare I think i can speak to her like that!!! Both replies however will be met with silence as she was prewarned after all!!! She will think she can try say how dare I stipulate how i am going to be recieving those items… but she seems to have forgotten that i already said to her that i dont for them anyway!!! So yes…. she has nothing she can hold over me whatsoever!!

            Like i keep saying…. i am so very completely done!!! Lol

            But I am yes, very glad that you thought it was well written!! Thanks J for the support!!

          146. Miss_stress says:

            I agree with your assessment in what L is thinking…so if and when she dies as you predict, yes, meet her with silence only….who cars of her righteous indignation, she wa sore warned the consquences of her not meeting the deadline. If she thinks she cannot meet then contact you before the deadline, simple. Otherwise, it is a ploy only.
            She underestimates you, her mistake CJ. You have seized the power here. You should feel wonderful. Is your tattoo completed? Have you name her yet?

          147. CJ*03 says:

            EXACTLY J, she has most DEFINATELY underestimated me!!! I think i said this to you before….. she only remembers the physical ruthlessness that I used to resort to in my teens…. everytime we have spoken about the sorts of things I might be capable of now, she has always blown it off with a nahhh…. your just a big teddy bear sorta comment!!!! Well more fool her for not paying closer attention, I say?!!!

            And yes…. your exactly there too…. she should have sent some form of msg to say that she wasn’t able to sort anything right now, any response at all, if she could not meet the deadline!!! She didn’t!!! So yep… i agree with you….. ploy!!! Lol.

            She will most certainly be met with nothing but silence and a door in the face should she turn up or msg or anything!!! If she continues, DVO. If she is at my home and won’t leave…. police get called!! As you said…. she was forewarned after all!!!

            My tattoo is actually booked with my guy to be finished Tuesday next week…. I am EXTREAMELY excited hahaha!!! I would love to have been able to show you the end result in what…. 6 days time!!! Hahaha!!! Oh…. im like on xmas morning at the thought of getting her finished!!! Although… i must admit… through our talks, you have given me much to consider in the way of possible additions to the scenery around her and in the background etc!!!

            IF i can get my temptress drawn up by then… i am going to be getting good her outline done on the same day too…. just not much time to work with and will require a nice chunk of my time!!! So yes… i guess we will see! Either way though…. i will have paid for a 5hr block from my guy and any time we do not use will be banked for another day so yes… if i dont get her drawn up by then, no dramas, can save that time for another day when she is ready!!!

          148. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, underestimation is always to your advantage CJ. She will be I. For a rude N wakening when she tries to push your buttons now.
            That’s awesome.tatto will be done by next week…
            Add things that make you feel strength and empowerment in our daily life. For the temptress tattoo. Will you have her on or beside a pedestal? The Godess warrior has swords, will the temptress we weaponized…whips In each hand..the cat of nine tail kind?
            You know what would be cool..the temptress has the warrior tattooed on her, Within the temptress tattoo, simulating the mirroring of N’s…just a thought…

          149. CJ*03 says:

            Ohh…. and no…. i am still yet to name her although it is a work in progress…. perhaps the finished result will inspire something within me??!!

          150. Miss_stress says:

            Hi CJ I just returned home, had issue signing into to WP, but on now. Will reply to messages ,thank you for taking time to send them. I really appreciate it. I wasn’t able to get on blog today, till now.

          151. CJ*03 says:

            No worries J, take your time!! No rush at all!!! I rather you take your time and write a response your happy to post, rather than doing a rush job that your not satisfied with!!! What time is it for you??!

          152. Miss_stress says:

            No, my birthday is not on April 22nd…both my ex husbands birthdays were in April….D is a Gemini….birthday in May.

          153. CJ*03 says:

            Ahhh well…. was worth guessing I suppose!!!

          154. Miss_stress says:

            Is that your birthday or someone you know? Hope you had Great day CJ, my posts from he last two days are still in moderation , should be along shortly 😊

          155. CJ*03 says:

            That is my birthday hahaha

          156. CJ*03 says:

            Hi Jana,
            Yes, it is utterly important that people feel supported a reassured in what they are doing!! To say I lack this is the realm of physically accessible support right now is an understatement!!! I know that this fact also only adds to the lure that those circling wolves are feeling too. What more of a prime target…. empathetic (…… i think anyways!!… i am beginning to perhaps question the levels of empathy within me however!!… i still could not have spent near on 15yrs training and working with people with complex and challenging behaviours however if i did not have a strong sense of empathy??!!). But yes, empathetic, still trying to pick up my pieces, seen as emotionally defenceless right now therefore no need to think that their onslaught of love bombing etc would not be successful and yes…. sever lack of social support network!!!

            Tell support i find through you wonderful people on here… yourself, HG of course, Bloody and Thunder, Leilani and others is unparalleled from most other i have felt!! I feel like i am not judged here nor do I need to hide who i am!! I am free to finally allow all the facets of my hidden personality to come slowly back out to the surface where I can safely embark on a journey of self discovery of sorts for myself!!! I feel like no matter what I find out about myself along the way and what insidiousness lurks in the dark recesses of my mind…. that i will have nothing but support to find out and then support in the way of accepting it too!!

            Perhaps I am wrong??! Perhaps this will not be case after all??! I guess time will tell however!!

            I am glad you agree with my very clear, forceful and strong declaration. I am finished with this chapter of my life FINALLY…. It has gone on like… 1p bloody years too long?!!! Hahaha. But no… no longer will she get to dictate the way the game is played. I will no surrender or bow down to her ever again. She will never be given the level of trust or power over me that she has had, ever again!! She will never have the capacity to destroy me again!! This is finished weather she likes it or not. I will not engage any longer with her. I will block numbers, obtain DVO papers, I will do whatever I need to for her to realise how serious i am!!

            I do not care if ignite her fury… i do not care if she attempts to smear my name!!…. she does not have access to ANYONE who’s opinion i give a f*ck about anyway so by all means… go right if that is how she wishes to waste her energy…. its no skin off my back!!! I would find all to damn funny if she does try to be honest!!

            Like i said…. she finally took it a step to far!! She pushed me to my limits of tolerance and patience. So I’m taking all tolerance and patience away. I don’t accept it… i dont care the reasons!!! I am certain that she will concoct 1 hell of a ripper story that attempts to play on every weakness she thinks I still have…. key words being “SHE THINKS”!!! There is no weakness with her anymore. I’ve flipped my switch!! Any empathy i had towards her is gone. She will be met with nothing… no emotion at all. Should she push me to a point where emotion is needed to make this fact clear…. she will be met with a cold callousness that she does not believe me capable of because I’ve never shown it to her!!! She remembers my ruthless nature from 15 years ago in high school when I resorted to physical means of making sure I was protected from others. Little does she realise that ive graduated so very far beyond the need to be physical.

            So yes…. this is over…. its now entirely up to her as to if this can end somewhat peacefully or if she will need to see the depths of ruthlessness i am now capable of!!!

            I appriciate your support more than i express, Jana. It helps to keep me sane and to not flip that switch entirely to the rest of the world as well!!…. they should not be punished with my cold Steeliness when they were not the architects of this coming to pass!! So yes… i truly appriciate knowing that I will be able to come back here and talk to you and keep in touch with my empathy. That not all within me will be lost to a temporary patch of darkness!!!

            I will endure to keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds over the next few days!! Anyone interested or who has followed my progress since I joined this community of its own is more than welcome to have input and express thoughts etc as i regularly keep you updated!! I welcome the commentary lol!!… i welcome the support too… its very comforting to know that while I may not be able to come to any of you in a physical sense for support… i can come here and thanks to always wonderful, captivating and enigmatic master of our domain, HG (who i have nothing but unwavering gratitude towards), I can come and pour out my thoughts and feelings in a safe place where people will be honest and supportive of me doing what I need to do now!!

            Thank you, Truly J!! And ofcourse, as always, thank you too HG!! (And yes, thanks to Blood & Thunder, and Leilani, and anyone else who has provided me with support and encouragement and a source of work Der full and never ending information that I just cannot seem to get enough of!!!!) Xx

          157. Miss_stress says:

            I missed this reply CJ, my apologies. I will rep,y when I am able to later. Thank you for your appreciation. Is it valued.
            I wondered tbh why no one chimed in with advice to support through the many messages….I am hoping they didn’t think it was a private conversation, on a public blog😊
            I hope it doesn’t feel like I preach at you CJ and you know I am respectful of you and your choices. That I nevr make you feel less. I have always tried to work towards empowerment of self and others. In work and life, oddly, it was always more difficult to do so for myself, then for others. The fact you Read what I write, and take j what you may need, is a wonderful validation to me of being g heard as well. I sometimes think a dynamic that is lost theses days….sometimes it is hard being ourselves, but accepting ourselves, knowing we try and we care and we seek to help, not Harm. Is a huge gift to others and ourselves.
            I admit I haven’t all the answers or the right ones most times, but because I think so much on things, I can questions and answer on this or thoughts. I appreciate you site to my thoughts. If I knew everyhting I wouldn’t be here either. I have learned much of D and why he choose me and why I loved him. I don’t hate him, because I loved him,but then I have never hated anyone, in my life, not my mum, not the man who tried to kill me. Not those who are threatened by me or abuse me. Now, to banish the saddness such things make me feel and the blame I subject myself to. Step 2….

          158. CJ*03 says:

            Hello J!! I hope your adventure is going splendidly!!

            ok… Any other residual factors or stressors… well to be totally honest… The last 2/2 and a 1/2 months half been a non stop stressor with quite full on things going on both physically and mentally. L coming back was just an added event on top of it all.

            However, this is my pre-_______ sleep pattern (Insert a certain medication i am currently taking and being weined off at the most ridiculously slow rate you can think of!!!… if the drs had it their way… I wouldnt be off it completely until mid-next year but that is definitely not happening….. and that will mean that the month of November is going to be my own little hell on earth as I withdraw when i cease it completely starting Nov 4th!!! YAY!!!… not lmfao!!). But yes… im thinking that perhaps the dose, while still not a low dose considering, it may be low enough now that its not making me the walking zombie i was when it was higher. At one point, I was sleeping about 18hours a day because of it!!! But yes.. This is my pre-medication sleep pattern… Its just proving hard to adapt because its been quite some time since i slept so little!! I used to average 4 – 5 hours of broken sleep a night, then usually trow in a night of very little sleep (like the other night where it was an hour and a half), then ill crash out on a Saturday or Sunday for a number of hours one about every 2 or 3 weeks and that seems to serve as a fuel top up of sorts!! This has been my sleep pattern for many many years due to ADHD and the medication that comes along with that I believe!!!

            But yes…I do not doubt that stress from L was playing a big role in that too… However I hope that issue ceases to be a problem at all as like I said in the post i did to you yesterday… I am so very done!! I ave made that clear to her and if she turns up unanounced, i just wont open the door and ill call the police to remove her as I well and truly have given her ample tme to respond and sort this out! I am not playing these stupid games with her where she thinks that she can hold it over me that she has stuff (I dont even want) to give to me and could turn up anytime she wants!! NO WAY!! I am done letting her have any hold on me whatsoever including her intentions to just show up!! There is no excuse under the sun that i would accept re. her lack of response to sort this out and end it. I do not trust her, nor will i believe absolutely any sob story that she attempts to put out as I have no doubt in my mind that this is her plan!! She will text me n a few days, a week or so tops, with some mammoth sob story as to why she didnt get back to me…. it will likely also be something that involves one of the kids… possibly a hospital stay too lmfao (yes… this is how easily i can read her games now that i have been able to take a giant leap away from her!!). She will expect me to go.. ohh im so sorry… blah blah… its okay… more blah blah… i totatally understand… and finally, blah blah blah!!! lmfao!!! However no, she wont get sympathy whatsoever!! which i am sure will then ignite rage in her (would that be a fairly accurate guess HG??! lmfao), to which she will further get not bite from me!!! she will nothing from me ever again as she took enough. like ive said already… I am done and i feel so incredibly free now that I have finally come to grips with it all!! Its a F*CKING PHENOMENAL FEELING!!! I feel like ive broken some sort of invisible collar and leash and gone running away into the sunset hahahaha. There is truly nothing i can think of that would make me turn around for her ever!!!

            I know exactly what you mean about the dreams where you are not quite sure if they were real or not when you first wake. I also have some horrendous nightmares, including 1 in particular thats like playing on repeat one a year or so!! Thankfully i can dinstinguish that one as a dream now as i have seen it so bloody times lol!! I can explain te damn thing in vivid detail!! It doesnt change the fact however that i still wake up in a severe sweat and shaking. I also know what you mean about having dreams of things that have not exactly happened yet! I also have this happen… Then when it does truly happen… i get this bizarre feeling of Dejavu!! but yes… that was a particularly intense feeling the other night when tat occured and i totally agree with you… that i was sitting right inbetween both the concious and the unconcious world and that yes…the things you have mentioned were trying to keep me in sleep state… possibly also my body etc trying to take care of itself of such little sleep as of late that it too was trying to desperately keep me sleep so it could rejuvinate!! I too am like you in the fact that i have a very active mind and imagination… hence why (I believe) were have such active dreams etc, and why i sleep so little when im functioning back at “normal”……. If there is such a thing!!

            ill perhaps skip self harm for now and come back to it later in another reply as i am running short on time now!!

            I am glad you are not with your daughters father any more if that is how he treated you!! No one needs to put up with that!! I will not take any abuse that is a result of substances!! Any partner who has come at me (verbally….. women as a general rule, do not often attempt to hit me!! Needless to say, I can hold my own so it would be mighty stupid of them if they tried…. particularly when drunk or high lmfao!!), when under the influence, has been stunned into silence per se as i tear them down for even thinking it would be okay to come at me like that!! I do not tolerate that!!

            I am very loyal also. I can be very possessive and jelious. and yes… i am completely and utterly faithful!! i never have cheated and i doubt i ever will!! (but….one can never say never!!!).

            Im curious J…. what day in April if you dont mind me asking, was your bday??! I only ask as believe it or not… I too am an April baby hahaha!!!

            I am glad that you did have some frineds stand by you throughout and then still afer everything with D!! As much as it is hard for family and friends to understand… they dont understand how much harder it is when they leave and we are left with near no one to help support us through what we are going through and then are also seriously diminishing our chances of getting out also. I think we really need the help of others to be able to get out of the web the N weaves and when they walk away… they only push us further back into the web!!

            The pedastal thing….. well yea… its actually the hot topic of my therapy appointments at the moment!! hahaha. No, seriously tho, it is something that i am focusing very intensely on in therapy with both therapists, Dr A and Dr M lol. It is a cycle that i would love nothing more than to completely demolish!! I want to decimate it!! I hate it… It garuntees me only 1 thing…. inevitable heartache and such intense pain that i feel i cant breathe!!! i think i agree with what you have said however J… that yes…as much as i desperately want to be loved and adored and worshiped and needed and wanted and… well you get the picture!!…. if that comes at the cost of my happiness or myself in any way…. then yes, i choose to be alone too as i cannot take it much longer!! It gets more painful and more f*cked up (as thats the best descriptor to explain it lol!!), every single time!!

            I do think i will ave to start trying your idea however of the pro’s and cons list!! And yes… I have no doubt that the wolves with smell my desperation of sorts, a mile away and come a running!!! I will definitly try as you have said because yes… the last thing i need right now is to let the pedastal be breached AGAIN…. its currently in its own little roped of, no bloody access corner!! There is a big sign anging of the rope stating that this pedastal is currently out of use so dont even bloody try!!! hahahaha. I dont want to be doing this torturous cycle for the rest of my life…. the thought of that is extremely depressing and terrifying too!!

            I will leave it at that J, as I do have to run now. But i will try get back on later to answer the rest of what you have written!!

            Appoligies if it takes you some time to read this mini novel…. now that things are becoming clearer in my mind again, i seem to have gotten my touch, ad my love for writting back!!! Its fantastic!! Another benifit of an L-free exsistance!! Ahhh what joy!! Why did I not kick her ass to the curb so much sooner!!! Oh well… cant change that now however I can certainly make sure that things are nothing but hopefully on the up again from this point forward (……. until about midday where the bpd rollercoaster will dip again for a few hours before heading on up again hahaha… at least even during the dips now, I feel exactly the same in regards to L and being done!! My conviction will not waver no matter what mood may strike when she eventually rears her ugly head haha!!).

            Cheers, J and enjoy your adventure!! I look very much so forward to hearing back from you soon enough

            -CJ x

          159. HG Tudor says:

            If you respond in a neutral fashion stating you do not believe or accept her sob story then you will not only deny her fuel but you will ignite her fury as a consequence of this criticism.

          160. CJ*03 says:

            I dont know if this is bad of me…. but i dont care…. i might even get a wee kick out of knowing ive enraged her haha!! It’s the least she deserves!!!

            I dont know what lengths she will go to when enraged…. but again…. i just do not care anymore!!! I feel so completely free from her and if anything…. i would simply laugh at her fury igniting…. i truly would!!!

            She has lost ALL hold on me. She made her biggest mistake by trying to play YET ANOTHER game by dragging this out longer than it need be!! All that has done is result in pushing me to the point of having lost any care or concern that did linger behind. It’s ALL GONE and I really couldn’t be happier!!!

            She has kicked me into gear so to speak and now I’m more than ready for her fury!!! I dare her to try!!! Im finally at the point where I to can become vicious and dangerous if i need too so more fool her if she does try!!!

            It takes a lot to get me to this stage… but once here…. yes… i have no doubt in my mind that I am now in the right place that I am more than a worthy opponent for her narcissistic ass!!! I would never usually say something like this… but i have it all over her… i am smarter than her in every conceivable…. she cant out do me now that she’s pushed me to flick the switch… per se!!!

            So yes…. let her try carry on… i dont care!! I dont care if she tries to smear my name!! I dont care what she does!!…. i JUST DONT CARE!!! LOL

            Thank you so very much HG for getting back to me!!! I appriciate the confirmation that this is what I should expect!!!

          161. HG Tudor says:

            No problem CJ, I can sense your fortitude all the way over here.

          162. CJ*03 says:

            Hahaha… thank you HG!!! I am very glad it is spanning continents as that is how big and forceful it feels to me lol!!!
            Will keep you posted on how the next few days roll out…. as you will you see when you moderate my reply to Miss_S… ive given her a very clear time line of how this will go…. so yes… i will no doubt want to come and share haw the saga is going play out lol!!

          163. Miss_stress says:

            I will rep,y to this message when I have a bit more time.
            I just wanted you to know I read it.
            Regarding medication effecting your sleep and other tidbits of I formation you above said,I think I have a sense of what you are saying concerning yourself. And if som that I understand. All the more the heightened anxiety and emotional aspect that and L and other life stressors will have in you, especially when sleep patterns are not aligned.
            Regarding L, all this emotion directed I that direction of her will maintain your strong stance to be rid of her, she wants you to take your belongings, it is true, you can refuse and will do so, as you stated before. Kick her to the curb, lol…that sounds like an American terminology, but it appliance, time to out out the trash, so to speak. The things that no longer serve your best interests or needs…like L.
            Stay strong and I hope sleeps does find you tonight.
            Oh, my birthday is towards the end of April…I am a Taurus.

          164. CJ*03 says:

            Ahahaha….. i am truly a Taurus myself!!!! Im not kidding hahaha xxx

          165. Miss_stress says:

            We are loyal, determined and stand by our beliefs. Nikita, is a Taurus as well. I will reply to an article I just read and then am off again…I will endeavour to better reply to your other message, later today or tonight CJ

          166. CJ*03 says:

            Ok. Enjoy the rest of your day. Have lots of fun!!!

          167. CJ*03 says:

            Oh and yes…. lmfao!!…… kick her ass to the curb is quite American!!! I have no idea where that came from hahahaha!!!
            If i am being more my okka Aussie self….. im saying something like “I’ll throw her f*cking ass in the GUTTER”…. yep…. thats sounds much more right!!!

          168. HG Tudor says:

            It’s kerb. Oh and it is football not soccer.

          169. CJ*03 says:

            Ahahaha….. i will keep that mind!!! Hahahaha

          170. Leilani says:

            You’re very good HG. Kerb and football. I like it when you are this way.

          171. HG Tudor says:

            Are you suggesting you don’t like me all the time Leilani?

          172. Leilani says:

            Would you like for me to like you all the time HG?

          173. HG Tudor says:

            Even better if you adored me all the time Leilani.

          174. Leilani says:

            Ahh, you know deep inside you that is what you have from me; otherwise, you would not have expressed it. Would you like for me to say it HG?

          175. HG Tudor says:

            Oh yes. Feed me Leilani, Feed me.

          176. Leilani says:

            No worries HG, I will make sure you are fed and full to the maximum like me. All needing and wanting will cease.

          177. Leilani says:

            I adore you implicitly HG. You are amazingly awesome. I admire your much needed contibution to the society. Thank you. Of course next to me.

          178. HG Tudor says:

            I am obliged Leilani, keep it coming!

          179. Miss_stress says:

            I had posting issues again…..took me longer to finish up. Yes, we say curb here and they say it there too…..we say gutter, as well. I used to laugh when people say Get your mind out of the gutter 😀 do you say, smut, there? The English language so vast and varied .

          180. Miss_stress says:

            CJ, what would you pinpoint as your turning point to resolution that all ties will be severed with L? Have you replaced her with someone else? Or have you decided that deserve more for. Life and a relationship then she is capable of providing you? As I know you say you want a relationship and become consumed while in one, so I wondered if something or someone has replaced that addiction to then make you see the remive all of L as emminent? We all do things for reasons that benefit us the most. A relationship is not high on my list right now…..but you did admit, it is for you. Or even a distraction could be the catalyst you required. All that really matters is that you feel happy, respected and appraised for who you are and do not allow others to use and abuse you for their own reasons.
            We all above differnt needs that propel us. Mine is serenity and peace, seeking it and keeping it. Will my resolution regarding g D, I feel that serenity again and others have not been able to shake it from me. Like they have in the past. Being with good people does help that resolve….knowing that people genuinely care for you is so vital.
            I think the timing of the pedastal topic in therapy is helpful to get you through this hump, so to speak. Roping it off, frat analogy, destroying it to rubble …excellent too. Is okay to adore someone, healthily. When it becomes addictive and obsessive and detriment to your won well being then you need to stop and rethink. When you are making them your everyhting and they make you an after thought, or when they need a feel top up, or they use your love against you. For me, with D, and his silent treatments. You jus don’t ignore someone you love, fact is you don’t ignore people you like. If you call someone, message them etc and they ignore your messages your presence, they are disrespecting you and me and anyone. I nevr ignore people, u less they are being hurtful to me and then I tell them so. If someone ignores your heartfelt o,easy and declaration of devotion of wishing them a good day…they might be a Narcissist…..damn good chance of that!!!! For really what is one short message to acknowledge another, not very time connsuming. Yet they don’t do it, because they know it will hurt you. Hurting us mean more then making us happy.
            So, then we have to turn it around and make ourselves happy, by severing them from our lives.
            You are doing this, I did this. It is possible. We are doing and have done it.
            Hope you above a fab day and do what makes you feel happy today!!! Xx

          181. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J…. you are only too damn right about the ignoring people business!!! I despise what i go through usually when on the end of a silent treatment as it is not a very pleasant experience for me and I am sure that L knew this too!! I agree that “normal” people do not partake in that type of behaviour…. but in saying that too, this is exactly how I have been treated by a number of people in my life and is exactly the thing that each of those people who have abandoned me have done…. which only acts to reinforce every single abandonment fear that I have and fuel my illness as such!!!!

            Anyhow…. onto to subject i have been waiting for you to ask in a way…. lol!! I mean that in the way that you are the 1 person i can think of that was going to ask me this at some point or another and I kinda wanted to avoid it lmfao!!!!…. turning point with L!!! ….. it was a couple of factors but most like influenced the most by a not so very healthy new distraction or 2!!! Lol!!! I mean… there is also the fact that i have snapped in a way with her attempting to try and do the silent treatment rubbish 1 to many times now!!!! As well as having learnt so much information so far around what she is exactly trying to do with doing the silent treatment again!! That i have finally woken up to how low and manipulative she is!!! And then yes…. the self harm incident the other night also has seemed to have an effect of sorts in itself!!! However i daresay say the my new unhealthy distractions are playing a large role in it!!!

            I do know and believe that i deserve better now than how she was ever going to be able to treat me…. but it’s not like my new distractions are exactly the best options either lol!!! But here is the bloody problem…. the distractions have put me on such a wonderful high when they are distracting me!!! Lol!! They have me feel incredibly good which is where the addiction issues begin because this a feeling I have not felt in quite some time now!!!… laughing, smiling, feeling carefree, along with a host of other feelings too!!!

            In regards to what you have said about the importance of relationship to both yourself and i…. its not that a relationship is exactly what I am wanting right now, nor is what I probably truly need!!! Its probably best that I steer clear of all relationships for a while to be honest!!! I should be focusing on myself… on ways to make myself happy that do not require the external validation of another!! I need to learn how to be happy without relying on making someone else happy. I need to learn how to be happy by MYSELF!!!

            I do think tho that a distraction or 2 was definately the catalyst needed to boot my ass into gear so to speak and give me just what I needed to feel the strength and also the ruthlessness that I may need to do what I have to do!!! I finally feel the way that I need to when it comes to L…. and then even some more!!! Im worried about that little vindictive streak i can feel within!!! Its certainly there… and certainly pushing me to want to do things such as intentionally enrage her…. and i know this is the case purely because I know that now that my switch has flipped…. ive lost care or concern… ive become cold toward her!! I know that in the frame of mind I am in…. that this is the time when I become the most dangerous version of myself!!! I am 150% confident in my ability in current mindset that I would quite easily decimate her!!! I really would!!! So yes… i guess I just need to make sure that I do not allow to much of my darkness to seep in!!

            I need to leave it here for now J…. however I do eagerly await your reply to which I will take more time to respond!!!!

            Thankyou sincerely for your care and concern… i greatly appriciate it.

            – C xxxx

          182. Miss_stress says:

            CJ, yes, if someone is bound to ask a question someone might not wish to answer it will be me, as I have an Innate knack. I nevr ask a question I wouldn’t be prepared to answer myself, nor do I ever fault a question asked, as I have nothing to hide. I never Expect an answer, but I will pose the questions. I appreciate your honest answer.
            Why do you define them as unhealthy distractions? Is it because of your emotional response to them? It feels addictive and unhealthy? Or because you know these individuals personally and are aware they are unhealthy themselves? It is difficult for me to progress. As my question would be if you know they are unhealthy then why engage with them? But then I know the answer for you…as you stated it brings out certain feelings in you that makes you feel wanted and distracts you from. L. Do you think these people, from Your real life, as opposed to cyber life, are they fully aware of your Mental health and your relationship with L, the concept of Narcissism, your BPD, Empathy and co dependency…et cetera? To me , if the answer is yes. Then clearly they are seeking what you are seeking. Pease do not be offended. But, that is my take. Now, if they are unaware of the above mentioned aspects of yourself and L, then perhaps, it is only unhealthy from your own prespective. Not knowing the dynamic is it diffcult for me to speak to it. But, then again, it is none of my business. I certainly do not judge your Need for distraction. The fact you recognize it is unhealthy is a benefit, The fact maybe know ego blostering can only go so far, it is superficial. That the distraction is a coping mechanism. If it helps you then allow it to be what it is. Then seek healing away from such distractions, where you can find someone who can show you healthy attention. It will be differnt for you. But again, if you choose unhealthy attention then that is your right. This is your life, there is no shame attached to choices, N’s attach shame and blame to our behaviour, make us look at fault…encourage hate and revenge in our hearts.
            You are a warrior now, you can vanquish the beguiling temptress or temptresses…or you can use them to your advantage as they might use you. That is it, you have the choice and the right. To be who you are and if you doubt who you are then to seek answers a nd become her.
            I have always know who I am, I am unwaivering in that. I can understand the darkness of other, but it will not consume me, it will tempt me without my freedom of choice. And it will NEVER change me. I will always be the warrior, nevr the temptress. We all have a purpose , mine has always been to advocate or champion.
            I suppose with D, I I hoped , believed I too found my champion, as he professed for years to be such. But, he only ever let me down and abandoned me, lies and silent treatments. I realized through him, I shall have no champion, that is my lot. That the love I seek and have sought since childhood, shall nevr be found in another. But only through myself. And I am good with this.
            We all have lessons, CJ. That was mine, my mother nevr showed me love as a child, maybe when each man showed me , I believed him, but it was always an illusion. Perhaps m because he does not exist for me, maybe I hoped he did, so I dont have to look at myself or love myself as I should.
            I credit D for showing me this and maybe I time you can credit L for showing you…..the anger and hated and need to slay with disparate and you will left with you. Then real work begins. Surround yourself with those that will lift you, not those who will lower you. Use your distractions as coping and healing tools. I believe that is their role for you now. Everyhting happens for a reason.
            I think you are doing great. I will tell you this, most people,I know are not half as self honest as you. If you can answer the hard questions, it only shows who you are and that is always a good thing. To me, at least. I ask such questions, only because I will answer them of Myself as well.
            Now, to get your sleep regulated. L removed from your life and then you can move onto , learning about CJ.
            Your voice is valid here. Remember that.
            Sorry, if this is hard to read, as you know that wee reader typing box is hard to contend with.
            I am returning home tomorrow, so replies will be more consistent. If you need any advice from me I am always happy to offer it. If it doesn’t apply, ignore it. It won’t offend me. I will always give honest answers.
            I only wish you well and happiness in any choice you make.

          183. nikitalondon says:

            You seem to be much more settled than when looking back in Feb.
            i am happy for you.
            Is your ex still in a relationship? i remember you said a woman from Peru.. I remember because its a neighbor country I visited.

          184. Miss_stress says:

            Thank you Nikita, that was really nice to say. Tbh, I felt a bit offish wit he Hoover again. But, I ignored it and no issues since.
            My ex husband was in Peru years ago, P, not D….I haven’t heard from him in six years, thank goodness. I warned the woman in Peru, I found out who she was, through my detective work and emailed her, I even found her email address….she conversed with me several times, but P had already ensnared her, and smeared me, so there was nothing else I could do. I don’t know if he is still there or not. For her sake, I hope not.

          185. CJ*03 says:

            Thank you J for your message here. It was really good to read what you have said and now I think i just need some time to sit with it, reread and mull over!!! To hear your assessment of my self honest and how that is such a good thing is just wonderful!! I have ALWAYS strived to be as absolutely honest with myself as I possibly can be!! I mean…. how am I supposed to make any progress with myself ever of i cant even be honest with myself!! Plus…. i dont believe in lying to others….. most of the time lol!!!

            Yes… my distraction are the most wonderful copying and healing tools…. they have filled me to the brim with a sense of self worth once again!! It’s a glorious feeling after so very long being beaten down by L!!! I actually feel like I am worthy of others again…. i am loved, adored and cared for!! However…… yes, I call them unhealthy with good reason!!…. i do so because I can see the potential for pain in the end!! They yes, are aware of L, the brutal savage shape that she has left me in, they are aware of the fact that while all is great while we talk etc, when left alone, the effects of those savage beatings still linger!! It’s also unhealthy because yes… i can feel the addiction already… it doesn’t take more that 1 hit of heroin to become addicted after all does it??! 1 of my therapists pointed out that in some ways… its normal that I crave the attachments etc etc that I do…. we are human after all and humans need social attachment… however the issue with me is that it becomes unhealthy because of the addiction i develop!! And yes… i define them unhealthy exactly because of what you have said…. my emotional response to them!!

            I do hope that the time comes that i am able to do as you wrote, and find ways to heal that don’t depend on these sorts of distractions however, I am also very upfront in admitting that had such distractions not come along… i fear the strength and resolve i would have when it comes to my new found lease on life, and breaking the chains of L’s binding.

            But yes… the day does need to come where I am my own champion all in my own right!!! I already think of myself as my champion to an extent… no one but I keep me kicking and fighting like a dog to keep going!! While other might help in the way of making me feel as tho I am capable of doing it, it is still I at the end of the day who actually does the hard yards for myself!! I am trying to be as you said am J, a warrior…. evoking the spirit of what I portray on myself!! That is who she is supposed to be after all!!!

            I do hope you get home safe and you are feeling replenished with positivity and light!!! I look forward to discussing much more yet to come with you J!! You challenge me in a unique way…. while not being critical whatsoever of things such as unhealthy distractions, you get me to at look at them myself thru the questions you ask!! This is a huge help as i travel my path of further discovery!!!

            I too wish you J, all the happiness in the world with your choices, and I too am here for you should you find you wish to discuss things!

            I am like you J…. i will never ask of another, what i would not ask of myself!!! I think that is only fair honestly!!!

          186. Miss_stress says:

            Yes’being honest with ourselves is key to being honest with others, I think. Why I am open with my faults and flaws, probably more then praising myself. I was nevr good with compliments. I just be told I was rude for not being as a Celtic g of compliments..I should just say thankyou and be quiet. I am this type….oh you look pretty….me…I look like a raccoon, form lack of sleep last night…..I do tend to negate compliments, unlike an N, I don’t want it to be all about me. When I am in a state of distress I do tend to go in too much when seeking answers and advice.
            I am glad you feel sense of self worth, p,else dint take this wrong way..they dint give it to you though, they led you back to it. Being shown you are worthy of attention, attraction or anything really….builds self esteem. It was always there, just L was blocking that sun for. Within you to allow that sense of self worth to shine again. So, if your distractions were the catalyst for this , then that is a positive, not a negative. A good outcome. Since you a re aware they can become negative to your then now that you are aware you can distance and balance those interactions so they do not overwhelm you emotionally. I know that is more difficult when the person is sitting on the sofa next to you et cetera, but I mean more I the sense of you can take control over those interactions, start and stop, pause…..unless a relationship, then that changes that dynamic. But, still the control is yours.
            If you can feel the addiction building g with them and the crave or need in attention, be mindful of where this leads for you. The heroin analogy is an apt one….love and attraction is a drug, indeed. It fills one when we feel empty in that area of our self and life. Be just have to balance the toxins we take in with the healthy aspects. Then we remain healthy as well. This is good to discuss I therapy and I would suggest, if they know about L….tell them how you feel, I am sure if his exokain who they make you feel and that you need to keep healthy distance for your own emotional well being, a balance can be struck. If you don’t address it, it could spoil out of control on your end or theirs and someone is bound to be hurt then. Or just leave it alone and see what happens….right now, it helps…..it pushes you upward, not downward…maybe best not to rock that boat. Wait till you feel addiction seizing you more. If it does. You know yourself best. But, talking about it with me and therapist is excellent….it is making your thoughts known, so it shows your awareness. So many keep theses thoughts bottled up, I am pleased you do not.
            I hope I don’t sound judgemental when I give advice, as I do not judge you at all….I will tell you what I genuinely think. It is good you do take it in, I a not telling you what to do, as that is on,y your decision to make. But, I know how important it is to express what we think and know we are accepted even if our choices differ from another. It is vital to feel safe in discussing what is communicated. I can on,y give you my prespective. But I can give that with you in mind and how the situation you discuss effects you. CJ! I am more then happy to answer any question you may have , at any time…minus the huge time lapse we have. I appreciate HG allowing us to discuss things, as he know how Important this journey is to you and I am sure he is one,and of the progress and changes you have made I. Respect to understanding his own works. It is a lovely dominoes effect, cause and effect, through there help of one, we can help another and through that learning they may help another….it is a cycle of hope and healing. What could be more beautiful….Hg are you cringing now ? That was my Kumbaya Moment 😊 In that sense we are singing. CJ. praise to HG, those who help and support and distract us and those understand the message.
            I feel very happy for you CJ. As you deserve to feel fulfilled m rewarded and strong and appreciated and loved. I am sure, I will have an issue soon enough..my life seems to attract chaos to it. The way is calm now and serenity is lovingly holding my hand high.
            Yes, nevr ask if another that which you are not willing to do….it is a good motto to carry with us. We are both questions. So thankfully fate out us in same boat/ blog. You gave wonderful insights, this will serve to help others. D would always say to me and I will say, he always praised me….except when raging then I was a serpent. But, he would say he loved me because I was a good person…I find it an odd statement. To equate to love. He said that that is the best thing anyone can be.
            You are a good person CJ, keep that at the forefront always.

          187. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J…. I just wanted to say that I have not had a chance to reread yet and speak to anything I may have missed this morning!!! I actually went to see a fella I call Pops… obviously he is much older than me and yes… reminds me of a Pop!! Lol!! But… the best part was that he lives all of 3mins walk to the water front not all that far from me!!… if i could post a pic for you to see… i would!!!! Lol. But yes… went and sat on the fresh soft green grass, looking out over the water…. And Pops talked me through a bit of a guided relaxation of sorts while he did some work on my back (he used to be fully qualified massuser!!). It was just Devine!!! Hahaha. It was wonderful!!! So relaxing and I felt so fantastic afterwards…. relaxed!!! It was f*cking lovely!!!! Hahaha.

            I just wanted to say that I meant what I said this morning…. that i appriciate you challenging me with you questions and getting me to look at parts of myself that perhaps I don’t always look at when I should be!!! So yes…. i genuinelly appriciate the fact that you question things… it also shows me how genuine you really are as a person!!! It has been a VERY long time since I had people question me… take an interest in me!!! Hope I am starting to paint a bit of a picture of the calibre of the sort of women I have had in my life for many years now hahahaha!!! So yes…. it is a real treat of sorts to have someone take an interest!!!

            I finally wanted to quickly say that I will always do my absolute best to be as honest as I am capable of!! It can only serve to work in my best interests to be honest an receive the advice of someone who wishes nothing but the best!!! So yes…. i can assure you that I will continue to be open and honest!!!

            Anyways… i shall leave it at that for the time being!! I look forward to hearing back from you soon!!

            Have a good day J x

          188. Miss_stress says:

            It is after noon here…and close to sleep time for you. That does sound lovely morning the company, location and massage…wonderful start to a day.
            Thank you for saying that CJ, that is perfect timing, Thank you for not making me feel I shouldn’t ask questions. Or that I write too much. I know I do, but I appreciate you nevr make me feel bad of myself for doing so.
            I don’t ask for nosiness, I ask as you said out of genuine interest, why I am willing to share of myself as well. As I think unfair to suggest someone else lay their soul out, while I keep mine closeted. I suppose I do share too much. I just write and it goes where it goes, otherwise there would be more logic to my writing. I take I what you say and respond, because I do care and if it is not being hurtful then I see no harm. Especially if you can take something positive away. And I can as well.
            The. It is a good exchange in my books.
            Yes, and my interest is a healthy interest that will not harm you or does not seek anything in return. It is only to converse as we both are questioners, Vive la questions 😀
            Yes, thank you CJ, honesty isn’t as easy as many think, it takes much strength to admit, one is wrong, at fault, doesn’t know, needs help, feels angry, feels ashamed….to be honest enough to question ones self….that is a huge positive as a person for you. D would say I expect people to be like me, that isn’t true, I relate to people, as me, because how else can I relate….it is not based on expectation ever, I am real and I appreciate real In return. Where I pass no judgement on anyanswer if given honestly. Why when he admitted he cheated, when I had proof, I actually feel more love for him, for not denying it and admitting g it and I forgave him. I cannot be hurt by the truth. Sure we may not always like the harsh truth, but the alternative is much worse …but when we step back and lat it, if it can open us up to understanding or asking the right questions of ourself then we can grow, then the truth can heal, not harm.
            I think when we know we will not be judged it becomes easier to be open and honest.

          189. Miss_stress says:

            Hi CJ…just wanted to say hi and hope you are doing okay….

          190. CJ*03 says:

            Hi J, how are you doing?? How is your holiday going?? Are you starting to feel your energy levels rising again??!
            I am doing quite well. I feel like i have a renewed energy of my own!! I feel like i have a lease on my life and like L no longer has a hold on me!! That I am free for the first time in a very long time!! I feel like i have this new source of strength within me and that slaying her whenever she comes crawling around will not be a concern whatsoever!!! I have not heard from her and im not contacting her either!!! F*ck her!! I’m not playing this game with her anymore… she doesn’t get to keep her leash anymore. I’ve broken free and she won’t ever get that leash back on me again!!!

            So yea…. its really good!! I am still reading and learning. I finished Manipulated and have started Escape. Manipulated was interesting… it not only taught me about the N…. but it also opened my eyes to some of my own Borderline behaviours. I have denied it for a very long time and refused to accept those behaviours in myself. But yes…. it was hard… very hard!!!

            I hope your having the most wonderful time with your daughter and your friend and his daughter!! I am sure that it is much needed and just as much deserved!!

            I hope you are

          191. CJ*03 says:

            Screen name changed Miss_S…. it should now register as CJ*03!!

          192. cjhawkes03 says:

            Oh and… i will also endeavour to reply to your other post today Miss_S… the ones I said yesterday I would get back to with a proper reply 😉

          193. Miss_stress says:

            No worries CJ. Hope things are calm your way.

          194. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hi Miss_S..
            I am still planning to get back to you.. . I promise!!! Im just abit dopey and drowsy right right now. Taken a break from sociakbnkkkkk8

          195. Miss_stress says:

            Don’t worry CJ, please just focus on yourself and What is going on with L and her maneuvers. I will be here when you message. I always look forward to hear from you. Never stress on. Replies. I know what it is like when. Stressed and overtired…just be kind to you.

          196. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hi Miss_S…. i actually got about 6 & 1/2 hrs sleep or so which eďdd

          197. Miss_stress says:

            Awesome, that’s sounds great. You needed it and more. Have a wonderful day.

          198. cjhawkes03 says:

            Thanks Miss_S… i will. I am actually going to jump onto my laptop and do all my replies to you!! Lol.

            It was nice having a bit of a break yesterday!! Got to catch up on some of my downloaded tv shows which as i think ive already told you… TV shows are my escape route!! So yep… it was extremely nice to escape into someone else’s world for a while!! To forget about my own. To not have stress as much!! It was just nice little break lol.

            But i cant spend forever in another world!! I have to come back to reality…… unfortunately!!! Lmfao.

            She has not text me again….. YET!!! I am waiting for it tho!! And every single time my phone goes off… i get abit freaked out thinking that ofcourse it is her!! But it hasn’t been her… so I’m sure she is just biding her time waiting!!!

            I also spent time starting to read “Manipulated”!!! I figured I would start with it as i did start with Escape… but not far into it, it says to read Manipulated first. So yea… starting with Manipulated!!

          199. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, the texting ping….triggering in itself.
            Sounds great in books…..read them and absorb them before setting a meeting with L. Enjoy your shows and have a lovely day x

          200. cjhawkes03 says:

            I am glad you can understand how my phone going off would be triggering!!

            I will most definately read and absord all the material i can in HG’s book before i have to meet with L. Thankfully… the next meeting is, as you said… going to be set on my term!! So yes.. I will get stuck into reading as much as absolutely possible. So if i disapear for a few days off here or you hardly hear from me… its because i have my nose down in my kindle reading like a madman!!!

            you have a most lovely day yourself Miss_S!! xx

          201. Miss_stress says:

            Your new best friend, Kindle 😊 I say the same. Yes , Your terms. Yes better to read then type, I agree. It is necessary for you at this time. Happy reading and thusly thwarting…you will do this, CJ? I believe in you ..and you believe you in You too xx

          202. cjhawkes03 says:

            Sorry… just woke up lol!!! But yes… will get back to you once I’m actually awake xx

          203. cjhawkes03 says:

            P.s… WENTWORTH TOTALLY SH*TO ALL OVER OTNB!!! 20O% BETTER LOL!!! where is Netflix up to airing?? We have 1 episode left to air next Tuesday of season 4!!! Lol 😉

          204. Miss_stress says:

            Yes I so agree…..I last saw up to end of season 3. They are season behind. No spoilers lol

          205. cjhawkes03 says:

            Lmfao… my lips are sealed lol

          206. cjhawkes03 says:

            OH… i will say this… your in for another explosive, f@$KING AWESOME season lmfao 😆
            This is the 1 show that we as Aus dies actually get to watch before the rest of the world lmfao… thats a rarity!!!

          207. HG Tudor says:

            I watched an Australian thriller involving a govt conspiracy and an investigating journo . I think Lucy Lawless was in it. I thought it was rather good. I don’t recall the name. Is Wentworth a grittier and slicker version of Prisoner Cell Block H ?

          208. cjhawkes03 says:

            It’s an updated version as such of prisoner!! Prisoner began with Bea in Jail as top dog already… however this is a modern version obviously and starts with Bea first going into prison and you see her rise to “top dog” etc.

            How old-ish was the Aussie thriller you watched?? I’ll have to see if I can work it out lol!!

            I most DEFINATELY reccomend Checking out Wentworth tho!! I do not know a single person who has seen it who does not love it!!

            Oh… btw… little fact… “Top DOG” is not accurate… in jail here, a dog is what they refer to in the show as a lagger… a snitch!!! So there is a little wee fact for you guys lol 😉

          209. HG Tudor says:

            It was about a year ago. I’ve seen a bit of Wentworth, there was a riot and some mattresses were piled in the yard and burned along with a guard being taken hostage. Looked like an improvement on Cell Block, the set didn’t wobble for starters.

          210. cjhawkes03 says:

            Bahahahahahaha…. yes well that it a major improvement lmfao!!
            As far as i know… they have actually done up a building etc so it’s proper walks etc!! Lmfao.
            Oh HG that made me laugh!!! And yea… i remember the episode your talking about lmfao!!
            I do truly reccomend that you give it a go hey!! I’ve got mates ranging from early 20’s to mates in the mid 50’s or older who all watch it and they are all hooked!! It’s a phenomenal price of Aussie TV. So yes.. if you can pry you eyes away from the computer long enough… give it a go and then come back and let me know what you think!! I’d be VERY interested to hear what your thoughts are lol!!

          211. HG Tudor says:

            I’m 14 so I won’t be allowed to watch it.

          212. cjhawkes03 says:

            Bahahahahahahahaha yea… ok HG lmfao!!! Oh f@#k… i think i would have fell over laughing when I read that if i wasnt in the car driving lmfao

          213. Miss_stress says:

            As it should be…..probably get season four in the Autumn.

          214. cjhawkes03 says:

            That will be really goid for you guys!!… although… when is Autumn for you??! Lmfao!! I have no bloody idea lol!!

            It’s really REALLY good… you’ll smash it coz you won’t want to stop watching!! Lmfao. How funny is Boomer hey??! She cracks me up all the time!!! Apparently she actually bases acting her character on her own boyfriend LMFAO!!! I nearly fell over laughing when I heard her say that in an interview they did with the cast before this season started!! And Pamela Rabe does an awesome job as the Freak hey??!! Lmfao!! I partial to Vinegar Tits too lmfao!!!

            But i cant deny my love of Bea and even more so, of Franky…. hot stuff Lmfao!! And then i really like a certain character you will see in season 4 lol!!!

            Im DEVASTATED that there is only 1 ep left… next week Tuesday night 😭 lol

          215. Miss_stress says:

            I would think season four should be available by November.
            Frankie is my favorite, great actress I that role, then Bea, poor boomer, the enforcer and patsy. I actually feel sorry for her character. You need to record and watch to watch at your leisure.

          216. cjhawkes03 says:

            Yes… thats a very good idea… we do record them off foxtel to watch at our own leisure but im to impatient to wait lol… i have it downloaded by 1st thing Wednesday morning to watch in my room lol!!! I do the same thing with Game of Thrones… although I also watch it live as that is 1 show that Aires here on foxtel live at the same time it Aires in the states. So it’s on at like 11am on a Monday which must mean it aires Sunday nights in the US.

            But yes… i do love Franky!!!

            They are actually quite an amusing bunch of people of screen. The extras and bloopers etc that I have seen are hilarious and ofcourse… being Australian… when they screw up…. whats the first word out of their mouths….. F@$K!!! lmfao.

            The Freak and Vinegar Tits are quite funny… coz they have done so much on screen acting scenes together… they have really great chemistry and they do some really funny things to each other!!!

            I live this new person you meet in season 4…. you will have to try guess who when you see it!! And i love the relationship she is in… its just too sweet!!! Lmfao!! Oh and then there is also someone else in season 4 (that you first meet in season 3) who everytime she is on screen basically… she makes my blood boil… i get so frustrated yelling at the TV… would you just shut the f@$k up Lmfao!!!

            Yes… i do realise that I might take my certain shows a wee bit too seriously!!! Lmfao!!! However thats how i escape my reality more or less… thats how i get a break from my day to day sh*t and the sh*t going on in my head. It’s how i de-stress and relax lol. Jump into someone else’s reality for a while so to speak lol!!!

          217. Miss_stress says:

            If it makes you happy, who is anyone to criticise… It is a good show, so… Just enjoy, yell at screen, laugh , cry…..sounds a good emotional release as well 😊

            Okay, I must sleep now…..

          218. cjhawkes03 says:

            It is a very good emotional release for me lol!!

            Yes… go sleep now!!! Lol. Goodnite 😉

        2. cjhawkes03 says:

          And yep… the empoerment and strength you will feel within when you successfully resist his next hoover will be amazing id imagine!! I am sure i too will get to feel that feeling when i successfully resist L’s next hoover also!!! From the things you have shared with me in your posts… i have complete faith in you and your ability to stand your ground and resist anything D could throw at you!!! And we are arming ourself with our greatest weapon right here… by getting answers and understanding and just widening out knowledge base, ten fold lol, by reading HG’s blogs, by asking him questions that he thankfully gives us his time to answer! By reading his books (as i have them to be the most helpful personally, so far compaired to other ive read. Im guessing its because i can take what HG writes and know its coming from a narcissist himself therefore knowing its coming from a place of complete truth and real life experience etc). Your very right in that D can no longer provide you with answers or closure. That was hard for me to accept… that L was not just refusing to give me closure… but that she actually couldnt give it to me. But yes… we must create for ourselves instead by doing what we are doing here… reading… learning…. sharing!!!

          I too am extremely grateful to HG for allowing us to confer qnd share experiences etc. And once more… i agree with what youve written about it not diminishing HG’s attention or fuel (well i certainly hope it does not as by no means whatsoever…. am i trying to take any attention away from HG or HIS blog…. i am constantly in awe of his self awareness and willingnes to openly share the knowledge with all of us… his readers… his minions of sorts lnfao 😉). And yes… i do agree that hopefully it serves to add to his fueland power knowing that his words are providing inspiration etc for others. I thank HG again for this invaluable insight he provides to us readers as this is info that i doubt we would find anywhere else… as my tattooist and friend says… its like finding all these little bits of gold… little golden nuggets that HG is sharing with us…everytime i read a new blog or more books, i find myself grabbing onto all these little golden nuggets i can tuck away lol.

          Thank you once again Miss_S for sharing… i do appriciate how open and honest you are with me as its only adding to empowering me and i hope i can do the same in return for you. I have already found so much wisdom etc in your eords and yes… am constantly taking away little golden nuggets from your sharing with me also 😆

          Cheers again HG for allowing us to confer and appoligies to you both for the length of this post… i just thought of how mammoth its probably going to be 😔 sorry!!!!!

          1. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, to be self aware of who and what one is is a blessing and to then turn into a positive for self and others, even more so
            I think if D was self aware like HG and willing to accept I knew what he is was and accepted him as he was, but he didn’t and doesn’t, nor will he ever be willing to accept such. He outright refuses I any form of therapy for past childhood trauma, which he did open up to me about initially then shut down afterwards, refusing to discuss it again, refusing to acknowledge,edge the toxic dynamic with his mum. It is funny, for me who so wishes to find such acceptance. That I can offer it and be refused and named and alienated for doing so. I chose to remove myself from him this time as his Lateran of behaviour was resurfacing and he had reintroduced to previous appliances to the equation and one he knew would hurt me by doing so. He needs to hurt me for what I know..when he fact he does not need to do, I have never betrayed him, even through all my hurt all things are fated…..perhaps it was I was that held his facade together, without me I feel it will crumble even Moreso. His ego is in overlaid now and he is faltering, I can feel it. He will be his own betrayer.
            I wish same for you Cj, to resist, even though there are so many years and connections between you and L. To cut the cords and threads that bind you, to let her go with love. To wish her well in Her own journey, away from you. To release without anger. That is best for us.
            So, no, this time I will resist his Hoover. A person can only give so much if themselves and try so hard and so long, beaten down every time. .
            Yes a jam, I find your messages co forging and understanding and knowledge in your win awareness of self and willingness or be aware of L and who and what she is.
            Knowledge is power.

          2. cjhawkes03 says:

            Thank you Miss_S for more kid words… i truly do take on board everything we discuss!!

            If im being honest… i have been very angry at L for what she has done to me. For the ways she has torn me down and stripped me of parts of my soul… part of my true self. My self esteem… my self worth… my dignity… my ability to love myself or even simply like myself. However if i am completelty honest with myself (which i am even moreso these days as my eyes keep getting opened wider as i soak in all this new found knowledge from our great HG), she, alone, did not strip me of these things. I too have a background of childhood trauma at the hands of my father so i am aware that he too, hasplayed a vital role in the taking of these parts of me. However, as i have said before… i am more than ready to fight for as long and hard as it takes to get these pieces of my soul, of who i am, back. They do not get to keep them any longer as they have no right too. They are mine and i will do whatever is necessary to regain them.

            And part of doing that comes down to what your very correct in saying… that i need to release my demons perse, without anger or intent for retribution or revenge. I need to let L go with love and well wishes on her journey forward… a journey that will no longer involve me. The years we have spent forging those connections and threads that bind us have been both good and bad so i cant hate her as she has made me genuinelly happy many times. However i also know that i can no longer endure the periods of devaluation either. I am still a person at the end of the day and i try to do everything in my power to be a good person too. So i dont deserve to be subjected to the cunning and manipulative abuse that comes with having L in my life!! And nor do you Miss_S!! You deserve better than how D treats you. You wrote that you accepted him as he was… however i believe you deserve so much better than settling for accepting someone who ultimately cannot show you true, genuine love, compassion and understanding!! Your deserving of that!! You deserve someone who can love you as much as you truly love them. Someone who can treat you like a goddess while you treat them with the same level of trust, respect, love, admiration and so much more. You do not need to settle for someone like D…. not at all.

            Its funny that you mention how D did open up to you about his childhood trauma initially but regussed to discuss it again afterwards… its funny coz, in a way, L did the same thing to me. She opened up initally about certain parts of her past to me… but then it was like the topic wasjust closed for discussion after that!! She did however, in an attempt to Hoover me, do a big… “you have no idea what else ive been through in those years we were not in contact….. big speal about a bunch of horrible things… etc etc… followed by this… i never told you any of this because i wanted to protect you. I wanted to spare you from having to live with knowing someone who has been through those sorts of horrors”. So she did whip that one out on me while we were still talking and she could obviously feel me starting to pull away.

            I agree with what you have said about it being you that held D’s façade together. You were probably the main source of fuel to his ego etc… making him feel all the more invincible so to speak. I agree 100% because this is how i feel in regards to L. I believe i have been fueling her ego for a very long time. I think it was slmost proven as such in a picture msg she sent me of herself trying to look all sexy and pouty etc. I replied with something dull like oh. Thats a good pic. You look good. Thats it lol. However the next day i asked her straight out what the pointwas of her sending that picture to me in particular… her response… “i just wanted to feel better”. So yes… i do believe that i have been fueling her ego which in turn helps her keep up the façade!! And i could imagine that your situation, Miss_S, with D, is perhaps very similar??! And yes… he now feels like he needs to hurt you for cutting offthat supply to his ego… that supply that helps him keep up the illusion of being a fantastic and a wonderful, sexy, kind person. Others are probably starting to see through the cracks in the façade because he is making mistakes as his ego is no longer being feed… he no longer is getting constant reminders of his greatness etc so he is slipping and making mistakes as he is starting to possibly doubt and question himself. Therefore someone needs to be blamed for that and being a N at the end of the day… he is driven to feel as tho he needs to punish you because its apparently your fault that he is slipping up and his masks are starting to fall off!! (I hope that made sense??! Lmfao!! I know what iwas trying to say but im really not sure if i ended up getting it out right!!. Plus hey… i might be wrong… HG might be able to weigh in as to if im wrong in what im saying… more acurately, guessing, is happening!! But yes… i do hope that made as much sense in words as what it was making in my head lol!!! I cant bloody type as fast as what im thinking lmfao!! 😆).

            Either way… what it all comes down to as far as i can see personally…. is that you deserve so much better Miss_S… you deserve all those things i wrote above!!… not someone who will lash out at you time and again and blane you for their own errors, someone who will demean and belittle you just to meet thrir own needs. No decent, kind, respectful person deserves that sort of treatment!!!

            But i will heed your words once again miss_S and attempt to go forward with letting L go… letting all my demons go without anger or malice. Your correct in saying that there is only so much of ourselves we can give to another… we can only try so hard and for so long when we keep running into a brick wall perse. I am glad that you have the self confidence to be able to resist D’s hoover!!

            I find compfort and inspiration in your understanding of me Miss_S… i thank you deeply for that!! I also find knowledge and power in reading your words and your own knowledge and awarwness of yourself too. I find that im inspired by your ability to be understanding and empathetic to D despite what he has done to you!!… however you still have the self awareness and ability to say that it is enough… that you will not allow the hoover to work on you again and that you will no longer allow yourself to go back to being in a vulnerable position where your on the receiving end of further abuse in all forms.
            You are a strong woman Miss_S… whether you can see that yet or not!! It takes strength to be able to show your abuser empathy in any way, shape or form!! Truly Miss_S… believe in your own self worth and strength and fortitude because its there… it shines through quite often in your writing!!!

            Cheers again Miss_S 😆 (and as always… my deepest of gratitude to you to HG for allowing us to continue to communicate!! Its a gift your giving through what you do… your giving all your readers the gift of understanding… which im sure for many many others including myself… that gives me the greater gift of being able to close the book so to speak, on this certain chapter of my live… to have closure so i can move on!! Truly HG… CHEERS Mate 😉).
            – Courtney

          3. Miss_stress says:

            Hi Courtenay
            You are entitled to your anger, as I know full well once anger is worked through, it is then we can fall into our serenity and move to a greater sense of healing.
            I dont feel anger, I feel more hurt and numb. Hurt in that I knew better and still hoped he might do better. I was deluding myself based on his false behaviour. So, I have more self anger and with him a loss of trust for he knew everything about me. I provided him with his arsenal of weapons to wage hat he saw as war, against me. I recall years ago, the only advice my sister ever gave me, as she doesn’t care or involve herself in matters that effect another. When inwas upset over my ex husband, she said, why nut ou make our self so upset over him… do you think he gets upset, cries or even cares what he makes you feel inside. I knew the answer…. of course he didn’t and of course..they do not, including they only care with is how we can serve them, be of use of use of them, our feelings are inconsequential to them.
            It hurts to know someone love or loved or whom you thought loved you, simply doesn’t and never did care. When we fully reach the knowledge of this rationale, them we can start move on. Because I tend to get stuck īn questioning, it impedes my moment forward.

            Yes, L didn’t create the original wounds that are based in childhood trauma, but she reopened then knowingly to further her own agenda of abuse upon you.
            Yes reclaim your soul and our self and our sense of happiness again. Hate only serves to harm us , it is often born of shame or fear and anger. Release it and I agree too, I have many happy memories with D, that still make me smile. so often my hurt allows me think of revenge somehow, stop myself and refocus, such a things will change me in way I cannot retrieve

            You are right, CJ, it would be settling for me, by be willing to accept less then I deserve in loving relationship, it would be to meet his needs and once again ignore my own. which I have done for years. All the while delude g shelf fat I was happy in some manner. But, actually he was destroying the parts of me I truly did like in myself.

            Why I often question the concept and dynamic of co dependency and the idea of giving and pleasing. I do deserve, just as YOu do… needs to met as well, real relationships include compromise and acceptance of each other with trust and consideration.
            I think, just my opinion, L used a pity play on you with the you don’t know the horrors I have seen nrhe years we were apart, as way to garner sympathy from your compassionate nature …the healer and fixer in you. Not to memtion, the guilt she was pushing on you ie, if we were together during that fime, none f rhis would never hqvd haopened. Well who is of say any of it did happen… do not allow her to laden you with guilt trips and blame. They are not yours to hold.
            Yes, she probably took that photo numerous times to ensure it was perfecttomher anf then sent to you, waiting for the fuel to flow….ghenimg yiumlook so jot, so incredibly gorgeous, stunning, etch.… all fhe adjectives fheat feed her ego… but what a deflation to only read the word …good…wdlll she CJ… coup right there. And recognize why that photo was sent. And something else for you too… you didn’t go the the route to damage her self esteem, but saying something hurtful. That is further demonstration you are the better person, not that we need much t prove fat. Bit, still, it would be easy to toss a dig her way, but you didn’t and you know what, you didn’t need to. You close the best approach.

            Omg , yes exactly on the mark to jow imfeel on D and his ego and mask slipping. Even in his rage filled furies I was firm in stating, he is Omaha to express his feelings, his anger, I love him, he is safe… yes, I was his constant fuel ego boost. Even when he knew based n his behaviour he shouldn’t have received it, it was never denied to him. He had to seek fuel out elsewhere and he knows they don’t feel for him as I did. In all aspect of himself and is life. He will exhaust himself trying to maintain that fuel by securing so many others t keep him topped up. Add to that recent personal and work concerns.
            Based in what HG has enlightened us to regarding N need for fuel and the result of diminished supply. I do know the ramifications for him , his pride will disallow him to contact me anytime soon and yes, as a result and further more, the blame will be heaped on me for causing this and causing him to feel low. except I refuse to take the blame or accept an apology form him, he will be stuck in limbo and it sill have a caustic effect. He wont admit it, but knowing how he is. His new appliances wont last, my tolerance level was high… so then he will had seek out new ones and exhaust more time and effort, which will drain him further. He does not have my pity either.

            Yes, your analogy makes sense to me, I am same, my thoughts race faster then my hands can type, hence all my typos lol least you dont make typos. I hope you can muddle through them all here, I find this reader awful to reply on but easier to rep,y directly to each post. Downside whack load of typos. I used to tell me I improve their brain power by reading my messages…D used to call Jspeak or Janaese. I did find those funny btw, regardless of his intention.
            Thank you CJ, for all the lovely things you said of me. I am pleased we can offer support, it helps when someone can understand how we think or react and it is even more helpful sounding boards. When we sometimes question our own judgement. I am far from perfect, I am most hard on myself and my own over thinking. I tell myself not to be so open or trusting or forgiving. But you know what, that is me, are they such bad qualities to have. sure they may cause me emotional pain from others, but really they are the better parts of me. for someone who can so early find criticism with self, that which we know is good , well that has merit. Being a good person is valuable in this world. Never forget that CJ.

            Yes, exactly CJ, to be given the gift to move on… it is a wondrous gift, indeed. That along with self love and self forgiveness.
            You are on that road now, with a bright future ahead.
            Thank you HG for listing replies and allowing conversation to flow. We do include questions for you as well. You are well aware my ever thinking mind enjoys writing, and it seems CJ does too and we know yours does as well. But, we have questioning minds seeking answers.

          4. cjhawkes03 says:

            Thank you Miss_S for your comment on me being entitled to my anger. It always helps to hear from someone else that what im feeling is actually ok and completely fair of me to feel that. I do also understand your feelings of hurt and numb. I sort of cycle through those feelings myself. when the anger isn’t present… its hurt and numb. I guess we all cycle thru the 5 stages of grief basically. When it comes down to it, it is still a loss and we must do those 5 stages in order to move on!!
            But yes… i can understand what your saying in feeling hurt that you knew better and still hoped for better from D… that you deluded yourself into believing that that he would be better based on his false behaviour!! I did the same. Particularly this last time with L. I STILL went back thinking things would be okay again after she drove me into a 2 week stay at my local psych ward!! Part of my feels stupid that I still went back!! And yes… that feeling of self anger is their too. That advice from your sister is very correct … despite her sounding like she is much of a help or support to you… sorry…. but yea… why should we allow ourselves to get so upset and worked up over these people when they certainly do not get upset or worked up over us!!!

            You very right in saying that it hurts when you finally work out that someone you loved, you gave everything too, when you work out that they never loved you truly back. And yes… they dont care.
            I’m like you Miss_S… i tend to get stuck on the questioning… the why’s?! I am driven to understand their behaviour… not only as an empath… but also as someone who studies behaviour basically for a living. I work with so many kids and adults with challenging behaviours that this is what I do… im driven to understand their behaviours. So i think that forms a part of it also.

            Your very right also in what you have written about L not being the original creator of my wounds… but she KNOWINGLY reopened them… all for her own needs… yes… to further her own agenda!!

            I agree that hate does not serve to help us at all. And that i will not let such things change me either, in ways I cannot retrieve!!

            And yep… you most certainly do deserve (as do I… thank you for pointing that out Miss_S 😉)… a relationship that Meets all your needs also!! A relationship of give and take, like you wrote… compromise and acceptance… REAL true trust and love and consideration!! Why should we settle for anything less when we are so willing to give all of that and more to someone else in the name of a loving relationship!!!

            I am very inclined to agree with you when you say that L used a pity play on me with her you don’t know the horrors ive been through blah blah… and yes… to garner sympathy… to play on my compassionate nature… as you said Miss_S, the healer and the fixer in me!! Time and again I have showed her that I can’t handle knowing she is in pain and that i would go to great lengths to prevent her from having to feel pain!!…. well I would have anyhow… past tense lol!! And yes… the guilt she pushed on me, or tried to!! As you have said… this is not my guilt to hold!! So I’m not taking it… im not taking on that burden!!

            I’m very glad to hear you approve of my reply to her photo that yes… i can imagine her sitting there taking it 50 times over until she got the perfect angle etc lol. Im glad you also agree with the fact that i did it right not going the route of trying to damage her self esteem!! I’m glad it demonstrates the sort of person i am… coz yes, I never saw the point of going down that road… its just not in my nature to be cruel i guess. I don’t feel like I need to cut her down at the knees or whatever… at the stage she sent that… i was just starting to really get to the point of starting to recognise her for what she i believe she is… a N. So yea… i didnt want to feed into her at all. I didn’t want to be a part of her games!! So thats the best response I could think of lol!!

            I’m glad that both D and L will have to resort to seeking out new appliances… that they will start to run low on fuel and end up exhausting themselves… because I’m very like you in that L will never find someone else who was so tolerant… i too had exceptionally high tolerance levels. (Sounds like we are just so ridiculously similar Miss_S lol… i find it quite intriguing to be honest lmfao 😉). I too have no pity for L and that she too will exhaust and deplete her fuel levels playing the game of finding new appliances… none of which will outlast what I gave her. But I’m glad that you can see Miss_S that your deserving of so much more and so much better. I’m glad to hear that you too refuse to take the blame that will inevitably be heaped on you!! I stand with you there too. I’m sure L will go the route of blaming me for her being “broken” etc (which is only lies and hoovering techniques anyhow!!). And im sure she will pull the “I can home for YOU” BS also!! Oh… by the way… she is leaving today to head back here to Brisbane!!… she’s probably on the road already to be honest. So I’m sure the fun and games are only going to escalate very soon indeed!! Not looking forward to this i must admit!!!

            Don’t you worry Miss_S… i too make plenty of typos lol… however due to my obsessive nature, I usually go back and reread what I have written so that affords me the luxury of fixing those typos lmfao. But it’s all good… i think i do a pretty good job of working my way through any typos of yours… i can 98% of the time understand and work out what it is you are saying so yea… its all sweet lol 😉

            I too am very happy that we can offer support and understanding to each other. Its a wonderful thing to come across someone else who can understand you and how you think and feel!! It’s always good too, as you have said, to have that sounding board.
            I too am most hardest on myself. But I agree with you… being open, trusting and forgiving are FAR from bad qualities to have!! I think they are very valuable qualities to have. It’s just unfortunate that there are people out there who will take advantage of these qualities within us… i.e. D and L lol. And i agree too that being a good person most certainly is a valuable trait in this world…. especially this world where it’s becoming few an further in between good people.

            I do hope I’m on the right track now to self-forgiveness and self love. I’m certainly working on those things!!

            Thank you again Miss_S for another wonderful reply. You take care now 😆

            And yes…thank you again HG for allowing the conversation to flow… truly is appriciated always.

          5. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, Cj, it is loss and we need to grieve it as such to heal….I totally agree. Walking away saying f him or her….is masking our emotions and letting ourselves down. I won’t lie and say I didn’t love him, it doesn’t hurt me….I need to fix it for myself somehow and stay strong if he ever returns when fuel supply runs low. Repeating …he didn’t love me, but I love me. I deserve better.
            You deserve better too CJ. You/ we were and are not stupid, despite their malicious claims to the contrary at times. We were in love and we were then addicted to that love we felt in them. It was through that we tolerated abuse and devaluation and our own self loathing and tears….it is a hard habit to break. But like all addictions necessary for our well being.
            Yes, CJ driven to u derides d their behaviour and answer the unanswered questions. With then their is no a = b…..their behaviour is u predicable often in its won predictability. Thank goodness for HGs books and this blog, I can only imagine I would still be stuck I the same cycle of devaluation for much longer. I was processing his behaviour to understand and work with the it, to meet his needs. As I am sure you did with L and her inability to work with you cussed your breakdown. The inability to rationalize her erratic behaviour triggered such in you. I swear, I understand that…my over thinking drives me to brink of madness…..and tears…..I would take clonazepam at bedtime just to shut down my thoughts to sleep.

            P,ease don’t be hard on yourself, we were deceived by the guise of love and caring….because we feel and live it and we believe it lives in others. We see oast bahri our and last hurt and hateful words to the person we care about. But while we see them so c,early a nd accept them, we are invisible before them….just a fuel line to top them up. Once D returned form a silent treatment in less then week, I was so happy to see him. You know what he said to me…I needed my fix. At the time, I thought what a weird thing to say and I asked him why he phrased it that way. He then said, cause I love you silly and I missed you. But that word, fix haunted me.
            I won’t say don’t get angry, cause I would be hypocrite to say such. I gave said words I can’t take back and I relive them far too much, guilt can consume me….i am not a hurtful person but when hurt I can say things I regret. Most times I can remain silent, but sometimes I cannot or choose not to. I feel immense guilt at such times and am so apologetic and to everything I can to repair and fix things. I know I am a good person, but I also know I can have bad thoughts and work hard not to allow my negative self talk to control me. Not sure if you do the same too CJ? We seem like we are both pretty harsh I. Observers guilt and blame wise and taking in ownership of others wrongdoing. I suppose why we make Good targets for these types. As long as we can hold in to our decency, our goodness, our forgiveness, then they cannot destroy us, then can wound us, damage us…..
            Did you find a name for your alter ego yet? Is she completed now?
            Do you fear you will accept less again CJ, not fri. L but another? If fear it. Why I am avoiding relationships at this time, because I know myself and I am susceptible to infiltration. I am thankful I am aware of this and dot. Want to be suspectible. Why I am being more proactive.
            Yes CJ, the true nature of an empath to take On the pain of others,to assume it within our selves. I take on so much negative energy of others, I did ever since childhood….it is consuming emotionally.
            I feel it so readily along with deceptions, it is overwhelming at times. Add to that I am a bubbling cauldron of emotion of energizer bunny proportions…shutting that down takes a lot.
            Then add a bit of an obsessive nature….it feels lime a recipe for disaster at times. Thank goodness I am compassionate, caring and loving. Goodness I even questioned HG if there was any possibility I was a N, knowing full well I couldn’t be but still I was open to the possibility if it provided answers to myself and why I react the way I do, why I attract abusers, why I feel the way I do. I am receptive to self awareness. Part of me says. Oh an my God, I need to change who I am compelled,ey, then I say, why? I am good and kind and nevr hurt anyone, then back to I get mistreated for being that way…..I just need to change the aspects of myself that allow me to take on that abuse…..the core reasons for allowing it. My sense of self worth and value.
            Yes, the high to,errands for acceptance and forgiveness and punishment and abusive behaviour, we are quite similar. It is nice to be able to excess these things and not keep them hidden or feel ashamed for being how we are…we don’t want D or L or anyone to feel ashamed for who or what they are….but I think for you accepting others is easy. Accepting self is hard..I am that way too.

            Plus, we both write lots lol….poor HG in moderation….bless his eye strain….sorry HG. I enjoy writing and purging and discussing and and asking and answering…..I enjoy rapport. Most people,abhor in depth conversations on self understanding…imagine Hgs notebook(s) on us…..we might get calls from Dr O and E…just kidding, I hope.
            Maybe he thinks thank God. Replies from me, he can save his fingers in 😏
            Just nod HG, I will know.

            That is good CJ, you are seeing preemptive ploys and statement form L that are meant to hurt you….it will help prepare you mentally when she reruns and starts spinning her web. I want to say this, if you did succumb to Hoover it is okay, I did CJ just…we know why we will…..then we start again, just don’t punish yourself, do your best to avoid it and know how you want it to work, no contact wise. I am not saying you will fall prey, I am only saying there is no shame in it, don’t take in any shame for any of it. Just take care of you this time. Your needs and your rights. Remember you are human…..and we are ruled by emotion and caring. We need to remove the taking care of ourselves equals harming another. We do not harm….we are not harmful….another mantra for you.
            I am sure some would think we shouldn’t disclose so much personal insight to ourselves but I have nothing to hide, I am open book. I am happy to answer any questions as best I can, I enjoy talking to and helping others, not that my advice is always pertinent or useful. I feel we can relate and think on same wave length so to speak, of understanding. Where when you tell others. They just look at you like a three headed deity. I appreciate e you are open to questions and answers too and that I dont offend you with things I say. I often worry when I give opinions if I might offend and feel so guilty if I say somethings go hurtful , because I word it wrong or the cursed typos confuse what I mean.
            Thank you for the chat and the insight and for taking so much time to reply and give your thoughts, I really truly am grateful.
            We are on the right track, waiting for our train….we’ll be best get off the tracks and on the platform now….we are at the right station 😀 destination of our choice…..
            I am grateful Hg still puts up with my excessive writing and moodiness and questioning nature….he knows how much admiration and respect I have for him, I hope. Even if I don’t gush it from pouring accelaides, it is deep and resonating from. within my soul.

            It is night time here CJ and morning for you. And sleepy time for HG now.

          6. cjhawkes03 says:

            Ahh Miss_S… its actually time for me to crawl into bed for some sleep now lol… so with that i say goodnight… and i will answer you with a proper message that answers all you have written when I re-awake in i dont know… maybe 4-5 hours!!! Lol.
            Sleepwell Miss_S x
            – Courtney

          7. cjhawkes03 says:

            I am glad that you agree with what i have said about it still being a loss and having to grieve!! And yes… we do to often make the mistake that you have… walking away and just saying f@$k it… it is very much so a let down to ourselves… and masking our emotions!!!

            I am like you… I wont lie either and say that i was not in love with L. We obviously loved them… If we didnt love them, we wouldnt have tried for as long as we did to “fix Them”. We wouldnt had stayed so long… put up with the things that we put up with!!! And your very right… weneed to heal now…. stay strong so that we can heal and move on. I am glad that D is in prison so you have the space to be able to heal from him!! Thats what I am hoping for sometime really soon… I dont know how long L will contine this for… I dont think she is going to gice up very easily!!! So i guess we will just have to wait and keep taking it a day at a time!!… Ijust wish that yes… we were closer to the end game than the start lol!!! But i will do as you have written here also… keep telling myself: “L NEVER LOVED ME!!!… I was nothing more than fuel!!!”.

            Thank you Miss_S for reminding that I too deserve better. And that we were not stupid!!! It is very hard sometimes to not add that to the list of self criticisms… that i am so stupid for not seeing it earlier… That i am so stupid that for over 15 f@$king years… I just kept bloody going back time and again… letting her lure me in with that golden period and the love bombing!!! (see…. ive been reading… hahahaha). That i keep allowing myself to go through period after period of devaluation. and yes… i was certainly trying to process and understand her behaviour better so i could work with it and “help” her to a degree. yes too… that inability to rationalise her erratic behaviour… how she could get me to drive over 18hours to see and stay with her… then kick me out to be left to sleep in my car and not say another word to me for months despite erratic pleas for a reason, for some closure… no answer. while i am really glad to be talking to you Miss_S because I know that you understand what t feels like to be driven to the brink of madness yourself…It also breaks my heart in a way to have met someone so kind and warm hearted and just beautiful to the core… but to know that you have been through this level of abuse and devaluation etc. I like but i also dont like the fact that you can understand… if that makes any sense to you at all lol!!! I would not wish the heart ache and pain etc that comes with having an N in your life on you ever Miss_S. I can tell that you have a beautiful soul that is worthy of so very much better that what any N will ever be able to give you!!!

            I cant believ that D so openly said that comment to you… “I needed my fix”!! No wonder it haunted you for so long!! I am truly glad that you have the understanding of what that means now!!

            If you dont mind me asking… Did D go to prison for a crime related to his treatment and behaviour towards you?? Please do not answer obviously if you dont wish too!! I would never want to encroach on anything that would be upsetting to you of that would be totally out of line for me!!!

            Yes Miss_S… I too am like you once again… lmfao… in that i can let angry words slip out when i am hurt… i can very uncontrollably angry at somethings… (I actually have some “emergency” meds that i take only for when i am feeling so angry that i feel like i am about to loose control over myself. i take one of those and it calms me down to an acceptable level. The are also used for impulse control and anxiety. i think its a very good sign however that before Tuesday… the day that she arrived… i had not taken them in over a month at least!!!). However, once my anger simmers… i too feel immense guilt and shame with myself. I also too become very appoligetic and it hurts me beyond belief to know hat i have said of done certain things that i know will only hurt someone so badly that an appology is not simply going to fix it!!! I can feel such guilt and shame that it feel all consuming and in the past… i have resorted to hurting myself as a way to find some relief from thse intense feels….

            Remember what i told you about BPD… I feel ALL my emotions so severely intensly and on such a huge magnitue that all of them inevitably hurt me. Even the positive one that come in between to the negative. When i feel positive… it hurts because its not a “normal” feeling for me and because i know that it is going to disappear soon enough and theintense blinding pain will come back!!! But yea… i too am severely harsh on myself!!! I know i need to work on that and hat is actually one of my main goalwith 1 f my therapists!!!

            No… i still havent quite decided on a name for my alter ego/ goddess/ inner warrior!!! I am still working on it lol. I dont want to go making any impulsive decisions where this is concerned for once lol!!! No… she isnt finished yet either!! I am paying a little more for the 5 hour block tommorrow… Then in a fortnight, i will pay hat final part and we will finish her tat week (which like i said… e thinks and 1hr to an hour and a half), then we are putting another quicker ne on one of my ower arms. That will take us a total, with both of them, of 3 hors MAX i would say!!! That leaves me another 2 hours already paid for that i can use for my next one which i am still trying to plan exactly what to do!!! I have a few ideas but i cant decide exactly what i want!!! I would love to be able to show you what i currently have so you could see the ideas i have and give me your thoughts!! I love hearing ideas from other people!!!

            I am like you again also in the being an empath… for as long as i can remeber, i took in the emotions of others as well as my own!! If anything… i would push mine to the back of my head and thats probably anotherreason ive been driven insane a number of times… because i have been to busy fixing everyone elses lives while ignoring myself and not dealing with things that probably should have been dealth with a very long time ago. however i am dealing with all my deamons now… bringing them to the surface so that i can hopefully… finger fucking crossed… be ale to deal with them then be done with them for good!!!

            I actually find it interesting the idea that you asked HG himself if he thought you were a N… i actually would like to ask you the same HG… Honestly… given the negative sides of the BPD as well as everything els you have read when moderating… do you think i could fall into ther catagory of a N at any level!! Honest answers allowed only HG and no brush off type answers mate lmfao!!! Oh and the other question i ave fr you HG… you write like someone who has a certain amount of life experience behind him… So what is your real age apart from 14 lmfao???

            I dont think you are absolutely ANYTHING like a N Miss_S. You have way too kind a heart and soul for you to be like that!! You are too compassionate and caring for that!! I mean, seriously, you have shown me, a complete and utter stranger to you, so much of you time, your warmth, your kindness, your compassion, your understanding, your empathy!!! Unless you are trying to lure me in with some form of love bombing as such (which im sure is even a ridiculous notion to suggest iven the continents apart that we are… lmfao)… then no… you cant even be close to being labelled a narc.

            I am most definately scared that i will fall prey to another narc. It scares the living crap outta me the idea of it. I dont ever want to go throught this again. I also worry however tha its going to be so ridicuously paranoid that ill keep evryone at ars length forever or that something that is just a normal human behavior… i wil misconstrew it as a narc type behaviour and doom any relationship before it truly begin to take off!!! However… I am hoping that by the time i ave read much more of HG’s work… is books… That i will be able much more prepaired for the possiblity. Plus… for the time being… im kinda happy to be keeping everyone at arms length!! 1… I dont want to drag anybody else unnesscessarily into the drama hats only just unfolding with L!!! and 2… Its time for me to stop putting all of myself into others… to break me BPD routine of puttng people on the pedastol and to start working on myself not. time to put Courtz first!!! I want to work on taking back everything stolen from me by my father, by L, and by others in my past… They do not get to keep the little bits of my sould they have chipped away!! Thisng like – my self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, ability to like myslef… then ultimately… the ability to love myself!! Everyone keeps telling me that i will not be able to truly another ntil i truly love myself!!! So yea… i am priorit 1 for the first time in my entire life!!
            And yes… it comes down to what you said that you yourslef need to do… change those core values deep down inside that equate to feelings of complete worthlessness and having no value!!! hopefully if I/WE can get those parts of who we are back… Then hopefully we will stop attracting these asshat abusers!!! lol.

            as always Miss-S… your very right once again in what you have guessed about me being very like you in that i most definately find it very easy to accept others…. by myself??!…. ahh not so much so!!! It is also yes… very nice indeed to be able to express ours openly, honestly and freely!!!

            I am with you 100% when you say poor HG and his eyes strain with having to moderate what we say to each other and other posts and questions!!! lol. I can most certainly imagine the notebook out on the computer dest as he quickly jots down all the things her can get is hands on out of or posts then pops it back away in the cupboard thats pilled stacks high with notebooks from his various conquests!!! lmfao!!!
            I look forward to hearing from Dr O and E any time soon!!… hahahaha… just joking lol!!! I am sure you have many more wonderful things to focus on as a source of uel that moderating our converstaion lmfao!!! Oh and yes… how true is what you have said about people hating to talk openly and ask questions etc when it comes to trying to understand themselves!!! I think its a wonderful thing to be secure enough in yourself in one way to admit that you are flawed and need help trying to understand yourself and trying TO BETTER youself!!! I think it says an aweful lot about a person willing to take the steps needed to better themselves!!!

            I like that as another mantra for me… we do not harm… we are not harmful!!!

            You dont ever have to worry about offending me Miss_S. I am right there wit you when it comes to being an open book and if others can gain anything to help them from what i have to say… then tats awesome!!! I am so open to q & A’s… i am so open to hearing your thoughts and opinions always and i find them truly helpful in so many different ways!! i agree that we mst definately do think on the samewave length and like i too can relate to you too!!!

            And you are most very welcome Miss-S for any chat and and insight i might be able to provide you in return. believe ANY relationship… even this one that exsists in the internet realm, should be a two way street of BOTH give and take!!! I will always endeavour to reply where i can and share my thougts with you in return… it is my absolute pleasure truly Miss_s.

            I too and truly, deeply grateful to you HG for taking the time to read all that both me and Miss-S have to say to each other in your role as moderator… I know i thank you often… but i do scincerely mean it every single time i say it HG. I am not a person who takes saing both thank you’s and sorry’s lightly AT ALL. so yes… please do know that i do have such a deep level of gratitude and respect for you HG.

            Ok… i spose i better get cracking on reading some more!!! I want to get as much in as quick as i can (while reading it propery ofcourse!!!… I want to make sure i am taking it all in too!!! lol).

            Thank you for your belief in me Miss_S… I jues read the message you replied to about the kindle lol!! That belief helps to inspire me than you know and also give me a boost in my strength which i sorely needed right now… trust me!!! (While i might have gotten 6 1/2 hours sleep last night compared to my current weekly averag of 3-4hrs… im pretty sure it still was not quite sufficiant enough to cath me right back up and retore all those severely depleted energy reserves!!! but ill just take it as it comes and if she tries to contact me for a meet today.. it will be a “sorry.. i am busy running around today!!” lol. If she reponds by doing a drive by to check my car is in the driveway… well then i will just save any text she sends about it as it willadd to making some hard proof shouldthe DVO road be needed to go down lol!!!).

            Thank you as always Miss_S.
            you have a lovely evening.
            -Courtx xx

          8. Miss_stress says:

            Hi Courtney
            I wrote a huge long reply about an hour ago and it is no where to be seen. Poof…gone. I will attempt to reply again. This reader takes so long to type in this little box and it is so prone to typos and predictable text errors…..I will try to make my reply a bit shorter. Hope you had a nice day, no unpleasant surprises.

          9. Miss_stress says:

            Hi Courtney
            My other post from yesterday to you is in moderation still.
            Must have been a typo….D is not in prison, unless I wrote prison of his own making. He not the criminal sort…..he is clever and manipulation, buts more charming and effacive. He stressed hugely over two speeding violations I the last year which he had to go to court for. It too, a lot to reassure him, but then who knows if he really was upset by it all. I would go back if I went enough it all and determined lies and truths…..best to just assume, all were lies.
            Yes, we genuinely loved them and stood by them until we could not anymore. Out of love for ourselves, not out of lack of love for them. He abandoned me often, emotionally and physically. Knowing I had abandonment issues from childhood. He used it against always.
            Someone criticised a reply I made other day, when I referred to victims, implying that we are not victims when we know. I did feel like a victim, that is subjective to me and we all determine what we are and we feel in our own circumstances. I dint feel like a victim now and I have broke free from. That abuse…..achieved empowerment. But, N seek kind hearted loving people like us, devoted and loyal…..as their victims. Whether I even see myself as a victim, is irrelevant, as the N does see me as one.
            I hold no shame in such. True, I stayed with him longer then I should, because I loved him, wanted to believe him and it is my nature. I take my own responsibility in staying. I take great issue with victim blaming mentality. It heightens the already emotional distress a person is feeling. Makes me quite sad.

            Yes, you , me and many are In relationships for the right reasons…we stayed to understand and accept and help and love partners. We can nevr allow the goodness we have for others to be destroyed. Sometimes I feel like giving up, dating doesn’t even entice me right now.
            I laughed at the love bombing thing, you know I never Initiated any realtionship I was in.. it was the man every time. i don’t approach or initiate such things. So they all found me, which in itself is disheartening they sought me out. Why I thought I had a magnet for certain types, the laugh, is I do. I questioned the N thing to Hg because of my mum and how I can get so easily distressed and emotional and the abandonment issues. I want to be open and clear on all things and know myself best. I sought his advice to be certain. I know I am not, but I guess it was just back up. He confirmed co dependent empath with some N traits. Stating we all have some N traits. I do no harm, I am not competetive or materialistic , I am monogomous, I am loyal, honest, respectful…I have too many good qualities to be an N….but all these relationships made me think, why….and to look at myself more. Plus, when I found out D was N, which he denied, I didn’t stop loving him, I questioned that too. That why did I still love him and want to adjust relationship to make it work, for him….but what about me, I was thinking of his needs again. So yes, wake up indeed. He never cared about my needs , u less catering to them served him best. Just the thought of him now makes me sad. When someone mentions his name, when I see his photo….I don’t hate him, I hate me……I internalize it all over and over again.

            Yes, the fact you have needed those meds is wonderful, I wonder if maybe for your own wwell being, are they Prn medication? That yiu take one prior to the face to face meeting, simply stabilize and calm your anxiety and mood.
            Just a thought.

            I will post reply to this message, I two parts….perhaps last one was too long….

          10. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, CJ…we are helpers and fixer so other, not so much self, sadly. We can change that though..by taking our focus of those who seek to whom us and refocusing I to ourselves and our needs and rights…..
            Yes ,w e do take in too much of others energies and it can be I erwkemei go nd effect our emotional reactions, where positive is almost as you said as bad as negative…..the huge high of positive and the massive low of the negative or the clashing of the two….sow times I wonder with N’s not to feel the guilt, shame, blame that we do, is a blessing In one sense…not for a moral conscience, as they have none, Or with compassion , all faked for their own advantage. Tbh, I would rather feel the overwhelming sense of emotion then feel no love, no compassion, no guilt, no tears, no sense of loss for right reasons. The painful emotions make us real.
            Yes. I will always reply as well, I alwayss feel bad for the errors made, it isn’t my spelling , but my typing and. Word changes…..they would be less if I could reply directly on blog.
            You ar a very kind, thoughtful a nd generous person..I appreciate our communications. We are helping each other. I still feel myself floundering emotionally over issues…..it helps me so much to discuss them and get them out. No one wants to hear about D anymore, they all hate him…yet I dint hate him, funny isn’t it. They all blame me for staying with him a nd allowing him to behave as he did. Which In turn allows me to blame and hate myself even more.
            It is Late there, you may already be sleep. You may get this for morning.

            Yes back to your studies and arming yourself….yes, save all do indication in case you do require the DVo, I am glad you have not dismissed that idea, it is Important to keep as a defence strategy.

          11. cjhawkes03 says:

            Hey Miss_S. Yes indeed I was asleep whenever your message came through… up now and manage to sleep a half hour longer than I usually do so i was up at 4am this morning lol!! It’s now 4.19am.

            I am about 60% of the way through “manipulation” and plan on finishing that this morning!! I’m going to go on abit of a tech blackout almost lol… otherwise I end up distracted and before I know it, it’s like 2-3 in the arvo and im struggling to keep my eyes open lol. So yes… i think the best thing I can do is just go no tech lol… no laptop, no phone, nothing lol. That way I can finish manipulation and maybe even finish “Escape” too!!!

            Im glad u agree with the idea of still staying open to the the DVO. I’m actually a king a diary around with me (it stays in my car) everywhere I go incase she follows me anywhere or approaches me when out so I can jot down any notes with times etc so I don’t forget before I get back home.

            I completely understand what you mean when you say you can’t talk to any of your friends anymore about D. And that they all hate him.
            I’m in the same boat with L. None of my friends even want to hear her name after what she has done to me. They all despise her and hate her too. I actually lost friends this last time I went back to her after what she did to me at xmas and driving me into Hospital in Jan. But yes… it definately does help to talk to someone about it. Especially when yes… we have so much blame and hate towards ourselves which we shouldn’t have. We are most certainly helping each other by being able to get the emotional issues out here to each other. I too deeply appriciate our communications.

            Don’t worry about the spelling errors lol… i am sure if it wasn’t for the auto correct feature on my smart phone that I would be just as bad with pressing the wrong buttons and what not lol!!

            Most definately agree with what you have said about being helpers and fixers……. of everyone BUT ourselves lol!! But yes…. your also very right in saying that we can fix that!… thats what I am doing right now… im sorta keeping everyone at arms length so i have the ability to work on myself!! I fear letting anybody to close right now…. i fear that if i do let anybody in, that my BPD will kick into gear and the pedestal behaviour will start a new cycle and that will be end of trying to work on Courtney as my life will become completely about that person on the pedestal that I am idolising at the time. That’s the way it works sadly!!! So if i can keep everybody at arms length so they cannot get too close to me… then that pattern will not occur!!!

            I also agree with the fact that we definately take on too much of everyone else’s energy etc. It would in one sense definately be a blessing to not feel those emotions that an N feels… but i am with you 150% Miss_S when you say that you would rather be drowning in the overwhelming emotions we feel than not be able to feel the good things… love, compassion, generosity, etc. Those painful things do definately indeed make us real. They help shape and define us in ways.

            I hope you have a good evening Miss_S
            – CJ

          12. Miss_stress says:

            Good idea CJ, take a cyber break, and do your reading, make notes from books that are most pertinent to your situation….so you can easily refer to when needed. I am such a note keeper….I am minute taker at work meetings and at University every one came to me for notes, as a I obsessive,at take them. I am a visual learner. It cements I for through writing. Not that I don’t retain otherwise, I think it may also be an obsessive quality. I do this too, don’t laugh…I have written D many emails am nevr send, when I silent tray,nets so I can get my emotions out, including saddness and aged, I don’t sent them , then when he returns as deleted them. Otherwise, I would have been obsessively messaging like the beginning. To find out what was wrong….I wish I didn’t have this deep need to know, it would save me so much mental anguish.

            I lost friends and have damaged relationships because of D, for me staying with him, for things eh said to people and for those who were just tired of my ” complaining “….with the MN, no one believed he was abusive physically, as he presented a public image and to be the private persona….I knew he had two sides, he was abusive at the end, months before he assaulted me. I did t know it was narcissism though. But then I didn’t really know the true extent of narcissism then.
            Still so much to learn. Keep up your reading , CJ.
            I know others advocate getting out there and dating, but for me it is this….I dint feel like that, I loved him, I can’t detach that quickly firm my feelings and lie, you said then what, attach to someone else and start the cycle again…..yes, I want to be loved, but at what cost? I am better off alone right now….safer and healthier.
            Yes, it is always best to feel…..even if we feel too much….I just want to feel more calm In myself and more contented, I enjoy being alone, so I am to the tune that needs people around them. I am happy to stay home, be alone. I am good with myself. I am slightly introverted, but in social situations every one would say I was extroverted. Especially if it involves music and dance. I am better in coma only of people I know then strangers. But, I can connect to most people. Except those who through off a certain energy, I prefer to stay away from them, if possible. It is more difficult in personal relationships and work situations.

            Have a fabulous day x

    4. cjhawkes03 says:

      Another thing… just so i am clear… by no means am i trying to paint this picture of be innocent….

      I am WELL AWARE that unfortunately my behaviour does hurt others around me (which once i am aware of this fact… i spend a great deal of time beating myself myself up for hirting you and this hellish world of self hatred in my own head where I have to accept that ive caused another untold pain through my own actions!!!)… however i do believe a very clear distincyion needs to be made i regards to INTENT!!!!

      I DO NOT set out with the intention to hurt others… i actually idolize them and put the up this “pedestal” where i put them in a horrible position where they end up having to try live up to my very unrealistic views of them being a “perfect” person…. which yes… ends up in me behaving in an obsessive kind of fashion with wanting to spend every waking moment with that person and then when they end up inevitable failing to be perfect…. i end up hurting. I end up question MYSELF and blaming MYSELF things that are even out of my control!!! It comes back to being my own self puty and hatred that causes me to lash out… the pain caused by believing myself to be such a horrid human being is what im trying to escape when i lash out!!!

      By no means whatsoever do i ever INTEND the people in my life any pain at all…. i go to ridiculous lengths to try and stop them feeling ANY pain…. i do though become so wrapped up in that “perfect” being that i loose myself to the point of not realising when i am behaving in a manner that causes them pain!!!


      so yes, i aware that i am far from the “innocent” person that anyone may have thought i was trying to make myself out to be…. as i am far from it!!! However…. i would also never resort to treating anybody as less than human or degrading them by doing things like spitting on them!!! Thats just all kinds of wrong as far as im concerned (especially when ive been on the re ieving end of being spat at more times than i care to admit just through my daily profession!!!).

      Cheers guys

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Thee is no comparison between you and a narcisisist CJ. Is there HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I never intend to hurt anyone either. I intend to get fuel. I intend to assert my control. I intend to reinforce my omnipotence, my authority, my superiority and my power. The fact others get hurt is collateral damage. I never meant for that to happen. Do you see how readily one can maintain that there is no intent? Of course I am never accountable, liable or culpable and will shrug off suggestions that I am. I have little doubt that many will disagree with me and protest that I deliberately hurt people but my perspective tells me something else.
          I am not suggesting that CJ is like me, far from it, since I know that she is a BPD sufferer and her modus operandi differs from mine, but I make the point that it is easy to plead lack of intent.

          1. Miss_stress says:

            Yes, I do see your point as being valid and your explanation helpful. Yes there is a compulsion to do as you do to obtain fuel, but you must admit some do intend deliberate harm. Many of us have been On the physical receiving end of such. Thankfully you are adverse to such tactics of physical harm. As your mind is the best weapon to wield your power.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you and you are welcome. Intent is a fascinating concept. For my part I like to invoke this actus reus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea.

          3. Miss_stress says:

            See a lovely validation from REader to reinforce my tirade….my reply to this posted in other thread on bringing up the hurt….my intent was to list here, but it ended up there….culpability lays in the hands of my error, but since I am in battle with WordPress at moment, reader is at fault. This is my belief, so it must be true. But seeing that I do not fully believe it to be true and cannot to commit to it’s actuality, then it must be deemed false. The intent was to post here, the result was invalidated by posting elsewhere. Yet, I still would like to name WordPress as an accomplice to my misplaced posting.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Now now blame shifting is my trait.

          5. Miss_stress says:

            I was half joking in my blame shifting. Serious, yet not, the onus is on you to determine which half. Hoover be damned….see another quasi joke.

  16. What if?
    What if your emotions were truly your own and not stolen, sucked out of those around you?
    What if all that golden glow was internal?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What if what had happened had not happened Isabella, then I might know those things to which you succinctly refer.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        I wish it wouldn’t have happened to you. However, one can wish in one hand and poop in the other and there is no guessing which fills up faster.

  17. Leilani says:

    Fingers, cake, threats, injuries but where are the handcuffs?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No police. That was the deal.

      1. Leilani says:

        I thought the pink handcuffs came from the narcissist after compliance. I stand corrected as one’s perception.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha.They are anthracite black not pink.

      2. Leilani says:

        Haha, Anthracite black is even better. On the same page on somatic and cerebral.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You get me, you’re the only one.

      3. Leilani says:

        No HG, you’re the only one. I promise.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha I should hope so.

      4. Leilani says:

        Yes, and then some… really. I promise.