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15 thoughts on “A Perfect Love”
Nikitalondon. Thank you for your caring remarks. THIS IS my therapy now!! The validation HERE in HG’s world where he tells us the TRUTH in just ONE paragraph or article has been more POWERFUL than the thousands of hours and dollars in ALL the classes and books and sessions combined and all the medicines Dr.’s hospitals and supplements and vitamins trying to learn what “this thing is” from the outside! Never felt more valid or REAL as I do right here! Virtual world with disembodied faceless people with heart and soul beats a flesh and blood shallow/soulless Narcissist with a bug up his a** any day!! 😀 HG is wiping away years of questions, mending my mind and chasing away the LIES that have haunted and plagued me night and day! Their voices imprinted on my heart, soul and mind. With only my Bible telling me otherwise. And teachers and preachers on books and tapes that never met me! I am so grateful for this place because it is building my confidence in my own correct assessments in light of the Truth that I KNOW ALREADY and the more fortified boundaries that I have put between me and my Narcs! REPEATEDLY til I actually broke down physically for my 🎧19th nervous breakdown!! 🎧 No more guilt that’s for sure! My own love as everyone else here knows painfully well has been used as the #1 Weapon in their arsonal against us!! It’s our turn to give that SAME love and compassion and mercy and strength back to ourselves and each other so we can share it with the people who are worthy of it and make the world brighter as far as WE are concerned! That’s our job! That’s ALL WE WERE TRYING TO DO BEFORE THEY DRAINED US!! Right???!! I know we are NOT here to allow these Narcs to snuff us out! I’m NOT someone’s battery!! So yeah!! Thank you for reaching out! Just because someone else chooses to be blind to me, does not erase me or make me invisible! 😀 Right? And to those who treat me that way? THAT is EXACTLY WHAT I WILL BE TO THEM!! Invisible, erased, AND deleted!! Boundaries on EVIL ROCK the FREE WORLD!! Thank you everybody on here! Acceptance of ALL of it is easier here because I can accept the TRUTH any time any day! It’s ALL the LIES!! I couldn’t CHOKE them down with the confusion and cognitive dissonance! I didn’t want to! They’ve made me SICK!!! I feel like I’m coming out of a land of make believe that has been my home forever! Lies, deception, masqueraders and Sybil’s!! THESE TRUTHS here are medicine to my mind. THEY VALIDATE me! And at the same time they deliver me from my self absorption that I’ve been forced into by LIES!!! I HATE LIES!! This validation is filled with priceless reflections in the Hall of Mirrors of the Narcissist! I’m being led OUT with every insight into my OWN COMPULSIONS to go back to fill the GIANT CRATERS they BLOW into my (make believe) LIFE as a reward for My LOVE!! So it’s a GOOD thing then!! This writing IS my therapy! My soul is being satisfied spilling my guts here rather than on my Narc Abuser! My compulsion to spill my guts can happen here! I love to write also and had no outlet due to the #1 Rule for Us ! ” No-Contact”!! Right! 😀 So, thank you, thank everyone on here! Mostly HG! 😎
Good when you say accept the truth. Make your own truth from your heart and your mind, and be sure and believe in it. Learn here about what hurt so much and why and you will start to know which way and path you will follow.
Hi Nikitalondon! I KNOW what’s wrong! I’ve NEVER had ANYONE CONFIRM ME AS VALID For my MIND! I was conditioned to not even believe my own eyes or ears! Invisible!! MY THOuGHTS, MY ASSESSMENTS OF REALITY or MY VALID FEELINGS to the CONTSTANT MIND GAMES! ALL WRONG!!! REALITY is DENIED with VIOLENCE!! There were no protective boundaries around me growing up! If a narc brother wanted to sit on me and pinch and slap and laugh at me when I cried? They did! My stuff wasn’t my stuff and my room wasn’t my refuge.. I was the scapegoat and the whipping girl! I was the lost child alone in front of mindless t.v. I was in the way.. I was an interruption. I was an accident. I was the one the grown ass neighbors and pastors (plural) that lived next door liked to TEASE to see me cry! Threaten to tie a brick around my beloved cat and toss it in the pool! The pastor would throw a shoes at it to laugh at my horror! And that’s nothing compared to The Narc Block I grew up on! My sister HATED me for being born! For being “cute”.. Don’t even get me started about what the Narcs on the block were like when my body started to develop!! Trusted neighbors, friends Dads older boys.. And young adult men..No one asked me if it was okay to touch me or peek in my window or if I wanted them to show me their penis? They just DID!! I was BLAMED when I told on the pig I babysat for! So I didn’t bother telling on anyone else! My “self” esteem is SOMETHING that has been BASHED down and DENIED! I am just a THING to BE USED and ABUSED by hungry Narcissists with no heart and no soul! Rejected by women who never give me a chance.. I do not know what it is like to be loved for Anything other than to be used by Narcs to feed on to fuel up and to scrap me! I’ve been searching for answers to these lifelong patterns since I turned 21 years old. I am 48. Boundaries were a brand new concept for me at age 33. I wasn’t allowed to say “NO!!!!” The FALSE CHURCHES brainwashed me further! Every church I found myself in was the SAME. Controlling, abusive fuel sucking Narcisdists! I have no ROOTS because I haven’t found where I belong.? I think my life has been a tragic waste of my life! This place here is as real as it gets for me!! I long to find where I belong. I’m always on the outside looking in at other people enjoying their lives! I’ve spent my WHOLE life fighting to live!! I hope I can be loved someday. Allowed to breath the same air as the Narc is the best that I feel I can do. Or isolate from them is even better! They stole my love and tortured my soul. Or they stole my soul and hated my love!? Whatever it was, It SUCKS!! I will NEVER give up the fight for me to LIVE!! Thank you for reaching out!
Thank you for sharing that Heather, I can see entirely why our kind home in on you. I have a question with regard to your comment about your experiences of the church. Do you think they are awash with our kind or just that you attract our kind and therefore there seems to be our kind everywhere you go?
Thanks for expressing yoursel Heather. I am sorry you had to go through so much. Maybe a spiritual guide that shows you the way to forgive yourself and other and a therapy for overcoming the trauma would help. Believe in your beauty. Its nobodies fault to be abused. Its just a twist in lifes journey but your path is ahead. Take the map in your hands. Good luck in the recovery 🌷
Codependency sucks but you have to start thinking and accepting that is what you are and you can improve it with selflove.
Accept yourself and look for the value inside of you.
Find out from events in your childhood what made you have so low steem.
Look please for a good empathic therapist if you feel you cant advance by yourself.
Good luck 🌷
Thank you for answers Nikita, it helps me to know and learn. I don’t really understand co dependency very well or the dynamics relating to narcissists. Ie the attraction. I can read, but I think if people such as you and other who may understand the disorder for themselves, it is a better learning tool from actual experience.
As well, I am a questioner, I understand it can be a maddening trait to have for some. So I appreciate all replies.
Yes, I understand for this the draw to heal and fix and make a difference to the life of another, that is the nurturing component we share. That is wonderful you have realized that you cannot real another in such a way which may be detrimental to your won well being or self healing. But the willingness to try is never a wrong way to be. Love one another, is a motto to follow. We just cannot allow the act of loving another to destroy us in the process as well.
Yes, I don’t think it is an insult to refer to us as addicts, in the sense of love and attention. Because is is documented that narcissists use manipulation of binding to create an addiction form us to them, based in our personalities and our need to love and help and heal others. Almost as if they have the key to the co dependency disorder and open and close the door at their own will. I have never been addicted to love or another person, but I will admit with D and looking at all dynamics of that relationship, it had to have been binding and addiction and fear of loss and abandonment, he knew my weakness, so to speak and aptly played them.
Yes, Nikita I am the same way, a giver, I do not give to receive as many of my relationship were unbalanced that way. I love because I love and do for others because I wanted, I nevr do to get or excuse I feel I have to. I don’t think this is. Bad way to be, unless others take advantage of it and hurt us knowingly. Seeing such goodness as a weakness to be exploited. I don’t think it is weakness.
We are different there I am not a follower at all. I don’t mind a man making decisions, but if I disagree he needs or willing to be receptive to my advisement and one as well. To treat me respectfully and as an intelligent being. I will not abide by disrespect.
If a man wants or needs to take charge, I am not opposed as that isn’t a need in me, I am not a competitive person at all, I do not need to lead or win.
So you do not think we can fully heal from co dependency issues?
How long did you take to be alone after your last N relationship, I think, I may be wrong yours ended around same time D gave me silent treatment after Xmas.. Or was it earlier or after that time? How long did you take to be alone before engaging in another relationship? Did you seek out the relationship so as not to alone and have that level of attachment and comfort you are used to or did you meet through friends or dating site etc? Does it make you sad or depressed when alone, not in a relationship, not being led or catered to? Does your special person, your bf? Does he know about your past relationships and Your co dependency , is he accepting? I always think it is fair to let someone know who you are at onset of relationship. I know I am told I am too open and honest and it is used against me, and yes it has been. But, it is better for me and who I am. To feel honest in my connections with toe hrs.
I ask because For me, I am happy to be alone, I am sad to not be with the person I loved, but I recognize it is impossible now. I don’t wish another relationship, so am avoiding all possibilities of such, refusing outing or communication that could lead to relationship, avoiding Social events where I might meet someone. I want a loving and mutual relationship, I just won’t seek some one out. He would have to find me and I am ensuring no one can. So, In that, I am alone. I am okay with this as it is my choice. I am focusing on me and healing.
That is wonderful Nikita and so honest and informative , thank you.
Nikita, do you think all do dependents have voids, like N’s?
I wonder if mine is due to the emotional abandonment I felt as child from. My mother, the alienation and withholding of affection? The fact I give so much affection, that I try so hard and often fail in what I hope to achieve. Sometimes I wonder if my independent nature is just a way of disguising that I do want someone to take care of me, but I know intrinsically will never happen, that the care taking has and always will en my responsibility to others and I shut down those thoughts. But, still inside I wish and hope and when say someone like D comes along, and he is everything I hoped for , I know still deep inside it cannot be real, because it is what I want and what I want is not possible or for me. Then when it reveals itself to be false, again it on my serves to prove to the little girl in me, that again, I am not loveable. It is a viscous cycle of self blame and wishfulness, giving. Only to be hurt, yet still giving and hoping. Almost self sabotaging self esteem. A form of emotional self harm. Then I wonder and worry, one day soon, I will stop hoping and trying.
Again I truly appreciate your self honesty, it helps me better understand and it may also helps many others. I know Hg says he is not healer, I disagree, but I believe we are all hew less, in some form, some of us by nature, by profession , by choice and by accident. We can all enlighten and enhance another’s life.
I am seeking self healing…..I still have that book you recommended , What is Love months ago in my reading cue, when I get to it, Nikita I will let you know what I took from to.
Me too In the past I did pick up all the pieces of my love that was several times smashed on the floor, pasted it together and took it with me…… Used it for my own healing.
I used it for healing but not for selflove, As for the last time I picked up the pieces of the shattered love I tried to give to somebody who could not take it, I had not very clear what selflove meant. I had read about it but lacked the practical part but life gave me the opportunity to combine practice and theory 😃🙏🏻.
I learned what real selflove looked and felt by doing. I saw what I had to give myself with the intense connection I built from feeling the void of my special person and me wanting to fill it up with all I had. The joy the contact gave me, the rush of energy, the feeling alive… The dreams, the beat of the heart, I still feel all this and as intense as the first day but as it has been a journey I did learn to also give that to myself. As a codependant I will never feel it as strong as I do for the connectiom I have but enough to know what selflove is and feels like 😘😘😍💓
Nikita, questions coming…do you think you could complete your self the same way you feel completed by a Narcsisistic relationship? Do you think you can heal your co dependency to Create a tipping In the balance to Lean more towards self love and less towards co dependent addiction?
I posed a question to Hg on co dependency, it is still in moderation. I thought I might ask you, as I recall you saying you have only had co dependent narcissistic relationships?
Do you understand why?
Does the N complete the void in you emotionally?
Do you feel you need the control and structure they provide you and your life?
How aware are you ?
I often question my co dependency, as I have left abusers on my own volition, after trying to fix or heal relationship and put my own well being at forefront of relationship. They had not left or discarded me. I do not seek out abusers, or narcissist to engage with. I am independent being and thinker.
It is big question for me, which I am seeking HGs advisement, but I would appreciate yours as well and any other co dependent, to explain their own awareness of disorder and what they understand and know of themselves and how they have changed it to become more self love and less addiction to another person?
I ask you Nikita as you openly discuss this of yourself in the blog. So your advice would be most helpful in my understanding, as well.
Thank you in advance of any understanding you can send my way.
Its okay to ask. Give me some time to answer because I now have to leave urgently to the vet as I picked up from abandonement a baby dog that does not recover completely… But asap. 😃
Thank you Nikita. I hope the dog will be okay, bless you from the kindness you show. All creatures need and deserve our love and attention.
I’m a co-dependent that has only been in relationship with malignant Narcissists. I feel no attraction whatsoever to normal healthy people. No spark whatsoever. The closest I have ever felt to being loved is during the golden periods. I had no clue at the time what was happening. These men mirrored my values and interests back at me and sucked me in. Each time I fell for them hard and deep. I have been loving these “Others” at my own expense trying to save them! It is horribly addictive and crazy making! The golden period of my last Narc has long been over for the last 4 years! It’s been Hell on earth and I have run away more times than I can count! Yet this magnetic urge to go back and try to recover the golden period remains. This last discard was due to the delibitating illness that has stricken me down which makes it all worse! I have been there for him and his kids and grandkids through so much and in the end I’m a discarded piece of trash! Yet I still pine away for something that never was real. I know it, but it won’t stop! I need help and this is my only place to turn for now. I’m isolated out in the country with no friends because they were his to start with. Don’t know if anyone will ever want someone so damaged as me now. Can’t imagine the lies he’s telling? I don’t trust my judgment or strangers in general now. I’m such an easy target starved of true love that I think I understand why people commit suicide. I won’t give any of them the satisfaction. Boundaries one by one on ridiculous behavior backed me out of every door til there was no one left. I am a drained battery, a gutted animal, a worthless nobody with no idea how to recover. Codependency SUCKS as bad as any Narcissism! Both sick. We are BOTH mean to me!
Thank you so much for response Heather, it is very much appreciated as I your openness and honesty.
I only seek answers. of others as I am open to give them myself.
When you say only relationships with N’s, do you mean you intentionally seek them out to have relationships with, or they seek you out and you don’t even know they are N’s until well into relationship or after discard? That is where my understanding is lacking, you state no attraction to healthy people, so you know who is an N before engaging with them? Do you think there is no attraction to others because you don’t feel you deserve a healthy relationship based in oast trauma you experienced and relating to your own sense of esteem and self love? I ask because I wonder for myself as well. I nevr engage men, they engage me, I have not once Initiated a relationship with a man. Men Initiate me for relationship. Why I am now essentially avoiding men to deter such initiation or ensnarement. I didn’t know any of these men were abusive, alcoholics, bipolar, Narcsisistic….when I met them, until they showed me such. Not until HG blog and books did I know my last relationship was to a Narcissist. So it is all a huge revelation to me. I knew obviously these men in the past were abusive, physically or emotionally….and left them accordingly. I didn’t know whey such men would like a sweet, giving, loving girl like myself.
NOw I know, thank you HG.
I feel quite foolish for not understanding the true disorder of narcissism. Which I think many do not fully comprehend, outside this blog and other such sites.
I understand what you damn Heather, about feeling loved during your golden period..I only felt such with last one, CN. A she mirrored me totally, he was for all purposes my other half. It is overwhelming a nd you feel almost entranced and bet writhed by love and for us who have avoid for love based in childhood trauma, it feels like finally someone leaves me the way I love. Then the realization , wait. They don’t and then the pain of that realization. It recreates childhood feelings of abandonment.
For me it wasn’t about any return to golden period, it was more about feeling accepted the way I accept another. It was about trust and connection, the breaking of what I believed was an honest trusting connection. It is difficult to let go of that Heather, the need or belief it wasn’t real and why, the discard and the emotional torment of you rehashing your time together to understand his behaviour and your own hurt.
Someone will want you, it only needs for you to believe that and want to take a chance on a healthy relationship after working in your own self love.
Please don’t allow them to push you any for the emotionally then they have, Heather. You are not worthless. None of us are. We are broken now, but we can be mended. It takes time to mend and away from any abuse. It does suck, I agree, but if we look into it and try to understand why we do as we do and ways to change our won behaviour instead of changing another’s.
Don’t give up, Heather. It is difficult but perhaps once we understand it all we can start to feel better and more him again. Yes, I am mean to me, more then CN ever was. We need to stop being mean to ourselves, that’s a good start. Xx
Hi Jana. Sorry for the delay but I thought I answer you when I can have full concentration.
The questions are tough and pretty deep I would say because I read the first one and realized That I have to think to know the answer 😖😖.
You say it correctly Jana, I have never had a relationship that is not with an N so I dont really know how a relationship with a non N would fullfill me but I think it would in the same way because now I know I cant save a broken person nor fill their void but I can just lovemyself more everyday to be able to love a partner and direct the relationship in a healthy way.
So yes I think yes. Nevertheless I still feel this huge fullfilment when I can be part of the solution to someones life and this part I would be missing but as I have self love and self love awareness I assume this has made a change in that perspective.
Your second question I have answered also above and the answer is also yes. I can be a recovered codependant but I dont think I will ever get rid of codependancy.
Feeling through my partner will always be there but now in a different way that I can also do it through myself.
So if now somebody at the blog would call me again an addict it would not make me cry and tAke away my sleep. I know now what and who I am.
The reason I had only N relationships is up to me according to the theory. I am familiar with their energy and how they vibrate gets to me almost naturally.
The N did complete my void emotionally.
I am a giver and enjoy being one. I enjoy giving even if I dont receive so I am completed by that. Now I know that from an intimate partner I need to receive so I now see it and would act differently towards the subject giving and receiving.
On the control it depends and on the structure yes, I like a man taking decisions and guiding the way but now I also want to be included but I will always be mainly a follower.
I think I am now pretty aware on all this matters of what codependency is and means for me and the relationships I build.
I am not so much an independent person and feel at my best when I am not independent and when I think through the ideas and decisions of a partner. But I can also be independent and think and decide alone but I like it better the other way around. This is why I say I will never get totally rid of codependancy.
So I took the part of the theory I can apply to me and my beliefs and principles ( did not change) and changed my way of thinking accordingly but the feelings of dependancy will always be there. I will die codependant. I am not going to change that completely because I just cant change who I am. Neither nor my beliefs and principles I will change.
Selflove for me was to actually be completely alone and feel the same as I did through the N relationships and feel happy about it. So I went to my favorite activities alone, went to restaurants and coffees alone, walk the city alone, spend weekends alone… And as I was living this love and joy through this special person I have, it was easy to stop and say. ” wait a minute, this is it, you have to feel the same in this other situations” ” this is actually the feeling” and bcause I had been able to get over and understand what happened in my childhood, ( Emotional abscence of my parents and the void filler), what had happened in my past relationships ( it was not my fault) ll thanks to HG and Ross Rossemberg, I started actually feeling it for real. Filling up my own void.
Life gave me the opportunity to have the theory and the practice at the same time and learn by doing.
I am so codepedant that I could only learn to fill up my own void and selflove through my special person and the feelings I had for him, but I did it!!!! I know what it feels like and what if is.
So this makes me less of an addict but a recovered codependant.
Of course the old situation ( void) tries to lure back in from time to time ( the beast 😂😂) but I learned also ways to control it. When it comes I feel it completely. I go through the pathological loneliness ( void) feeling and when I have enough I tell myself” i know what you are, you are not real” and search for my new learned self fullfillment skills. I meditAte, I think positive on every aspect of my life and it slowly goes away.
Finally learning to set boundaries and ignoring critics complete the picture.
I am as valuable as the person who is making out of my forgetfullness a joke for example.
Critics would shatter my world. Like the Ns but me I reacted with tears or just feeling more void and the void was okay for me. I used to believe that was me.
I am a codependant in recovery and I am proud of it. I am no addict.
Finally Jana I see NPD close to the codependants and I believe Ns can train themselves to feel love.
Of course its much more difficult because we are used to go through our own childhood pain and its okay ( for me it was… Hard but I never rejectes it) and Ns dont, but I am positive they cam also feel again every feeling they once shut themselves to.
So this was Jana my codependancy cure. I feel good about it and the day I wont fill good about it I will see what changes I can make without chamging myself in the roots.
Yes you do.
Today I started mending all the broken pieces you left behind. Yesterday I turned around and gave a little smile and tossed the match and I burned the damn bridge down. I must say I slept well last night.