If You Leave Me

 

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If you leave me I shall surely die and you cannot want that on your conscience can you? If you leave me now, everything that we have built up together will come crashing down around us. Why would you want to do that? Why destroy what we have. Yes, I know that things have not been as good between us lately, but it is not the time to focus on those few bad things but rather to remember what we had, what we have and to treasure that. We are meant to be together. We are bound together as one and I cannot allow you to leave and break what should be unbreakable. How could you countenance doing such a thing? We work so well together, have I not given you love that is beyond anything else you have ever experienced before? You said as such yourself. You have written about it so many times in those beautiful letters that you composed for me, a perfect partner to the expressions of love, passion and desire that I have spoken so many times to you. We have that perfect love, we have just lost our way a little, that is all. We can soon find it again, trust me. We found one another at the beginning didn’t we? Two lost souls who had both been hurt by others before, we saw enough in one another to trust one another with recounting those painful memories didn’t we? We were fated to meet. It was meant to be and if we were able to find ourselves amidst the fog of hurt and regret then surely we can find our way again now? I will do whatever is required to make you stay with me. I cannot let something this precious trickle through my fingers, not now, not after everything that we have said and done.

We have such plans for the future. We want to marry one another and raise a family. That desire cannot have evaporated overnight. No, I thought as much, I can see it in your eyes. Look at me and you will see a man who will be nothing more than a wretched soul if he was to lose you. You are everything to me, you are my north star, my guiding light, my sense of calm and serenity when all is chaos around us. I need you and you need me. We fit together so well. Everybody says that about us. What hope is there for the rest of the world if they see those icons of a perfect love torn asunder? Who will they look to for comfort and encouragement? We not only have an obligation towards one another but to them as well. There is too much darkness out there. Too much hurt, agony and cruelty and we can stand together and be that shining beacon of hope. Do it for me, do it for them, do it for us. Please, I am collapsing inside. The thought of never waking beside you ever again fills me with the most terrible dread. If you leave me, you will rip out the core of me and I will perish. There will be no purpose without you. Everything will become grey, ashen and dark. All colour will be drained from my world if you walk away now. Please do not do it. Please stay with me. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy together. There is so much we have not yet done, so many worlds to experience together, to conquer and rule. You are the one who sits at my left hand, my queen. Whatever is needed, just say the words and I will execute what is required but please, please, I am begging you, do not leave me. I love you.

 

If you leave me I shall ensure you die and believe me, it will no trouble my conscience. If you leave me now, everything that you know and cherish will come crashing down around you. Why would I want to do that? Why destroy what you have? Because you deserve it for your selfishness and your disdain towards me, after everything that I have done for you. Yes, I know that things have not been as good between us lately, but that is because you have not made the time to focus on me and you would rather forget what we had, what I gave you and to treasure me. We will always be together. You will not escape me. I will make it my sole mission in my life to ensure you never become free of me. We are bound together as one, you accepted that from the beginning and I cannot allow you to leave and break what I am entitled to. How could you countenance doing such a thing? How could you hurt the one who has done so much for you? I know how, because you are a fraud, a cruel temptress who swept me up and promised the earth and then delivered nothing. Oh wicked harridan, seditious slut and cruel crone you are. I worked so hard to bring us together, have I not given you love that is beyond anything else you have ever experienced before? You said as such yourself. You have written about it so many times in those beautiful letters that you composed for me, a perfect partner to the expressions of love, passion and desire that I have spoken so many times to you. Well understand this. I meant none of it. I have never loved you, you do not deserve my love, I will give it to someone who will appreciate it and give me what I want, but I will not let you rest. I will not let you walk away from me. You have a price to pay and you will keep on paying. I have created the perfect love and you have trodden all over it. If you try to leave I can soon find you again, trust me. My reach is far and wide. You have no idea of those who are waiting to help me and bring you down. I found you at the beginning didn’t I? That wasn’t me acting alone, I can promise you that. You a broken and lost soul who had been hurt by others before, I saw enough in you to endure you recounting those painful memories didn’t I? Oh I listened alright, storing all the details and I will use them against you now. I will scatter them to the four winds, posting and spreading details of your vulnerabilities far and wide. Not only those but all of the others I have collected whilst we have been together. Oh I have quite the collection and I will not hesitate to use them to destroy you. We were not fated to meet, I chose you. It was meant to be and I will find you again amidst the fog of hurt and regret that I will weave around you so you cannot see a way to escape. I will do whatever is required to make you stay with me. I cannot let something this precious trickle through my fingers, not now, not after everything that we have said and done.

I have such plans for the future. I want to marry another and raise a family and I will keep you updated as to that progress so you are tormented by what you could have had, but you chose to be selfish and leave. That malicious intent will not evaporate overnight, you do realise that don’t you? No, I thought as much, I can see the fear in your eyes. Look at me and you will see a man who will turn you into nothing more than a wretched shadow of your former self. I am everything to you, I will be the clouds which obscure your waystar, I will snuff out your light, I will eradicate any sense of calm and serenity by sowing chaos all around you. You need me more than ever. My machinations fit together so well. Everybody will know how treacherous you are if you dare to leave me. What hope is there for the rest of the world if they see this icon of perfection treated so unfairly? Who will they look to for leadership and brilliance? I not only have an obligation towards myself but to my supporters as well. There is much darkness out there for you, all created by me. Much hurt, agony and cruelty and my supporters will and can stand together and be that relentless machine that crushes you. Do it and see what happens. Please me or you will collapse inside. The thought of never sleeping properly again will fill you with dread because I will always be there, waiting and watching. If you leave me, I will rip your heart out and consume it. There will be no purpose left for you. Everything will become grey, ashen and dark. All colour will be drained from your world if you walk away now. Do not do it. Stay with me. I want you to be controlled. I want to control you. I want and I will get it. There is so much I have not yet done to you, so many worlds of yours to conquer and rule. You are the one who lies broken at my feet, my conquest. Whatever is needed, I will say the words and I will execute what is required to make your life a living hell but I am ordering you, you will not leave me. I hate you.

 

Which shall it be? The former? The latter? Perhaps both if really required.

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37 thoughts on “If You Leave Me”

  1. “I hate you” Once those words come from your lips, you have lost all power, to hate is to admit a loss of control, and in all actuality be controlled. However, you don’t hate or love do you, they are just tools to evoke emotion, because you are a black hole, empty, void, you do not feel so you cannot hate, its just another ploy for fuel. NEXT.

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      1. I fee like I am exceptional student, applying what I learn. But could we expect less? I am after all a master at being a pupil, extremely disciplined, and very respectful to authority. Finally, thought I think it is being put to good use for myself!

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  2. You won’t die…you may well survive the apocalypse, you have such a thick skin. And if you do die, I’m betting buzzards wouldn’t feast on your remains (somehow they’d SENSE that you’d give them indigestion.

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  3. For me it seems this are mixed feelings of a person going through the phases of the different battles after a relationship with an N. Back and forth from love to hate from pain to healing not being able to control emotions to gain a certain stability.
    Nevertheless behind both parts of the article there is anger behind those words. Its what it seems to me.

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      1. That’s sound romantic Nikita, especially if you are a beach person.
        CN would describe the “feeling” of love as walking on the beach hand and hand at sunset” he wasn’t a beach person, but obviously since he could not feel that emotion that we feel in love and how to deprive emotion, he described an image instead. It was one of my clues to his narcissism, inability to define emotion.
        I am it beach person either, but I do love walking on the beach hand and hand with someone I love or laying On the sand together, watching the waves and feeling the ocean breeze….taking in a sunset and the moon over the water ebbing and flowing before us. It is romantic. I think since he could define love, as in how it makes him feel, which I can do easily and did often for him, he could only envision an image in his mind to work off of.
        Yes, I hope your Bf is a sunny beach love type too. It is wonderful when we can match on things that bring us happiness. Unlike when N match us only by mirroring our likes and desires.

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      2. Nikita I know you have written that for quite some time about HG, can you tell me what it means when you say it? Are you referring to the fact that you see light in Hg, not just darkness. Hence the light and dark side of the moon..I always wondered. Oddly, never asked 😊 till now.

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      3. Hi Jana. Yes thats it. I see alot of light in him. He says to have an evil part because of the tittle of this blog, but I know he must have a beautiful part also. He is one of the Ns who are also great people, I know it, I feel it. hence he is the bright side of the moon for me. He became the bright side of the moon during a time at the blog where there where harsh comments, and very negative, and I rejected that idea so I named him the bright side of the moon, my second favorite album of one my favorite music groups. I dont see the darkside, and I stilk have to get to know what type of darkness it is he says he has.

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  4. Oh, HG. I don’t even know what to say. So often your posts leave me at a loss for words…and trigger me because I know some of that emptiness of which you speak so eloquently. Reading something like this makes me sad that so many people automatically dismiss narcissists as people who can’t feel, when clearly what you feel is too strong, so strong you must hide it from yourself and the world. Having BPD, I have that emptiness inside too, and I live with it day after day, and it’s hell. A black hole inside, yes it certainly is. I’m in therapy, trying to learn to fill it. It’s a long hard road. But I want so much to not have that horrible feeling of nothingness inside. To those who don’t struggle with this, who did not have this done to them by narcissistic parents, who came *this close* to utter soul destruction, you have no idea what kind of hell it is. I feel for you.

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      1. Most people refuse to understand that they do, and keep insisting they have no feelings at all, when the truth is the opposite

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      2. Totally the opposite. It was one of my first comments when I joined this blog. Narcissts some are great people was one and they make strong dependant connections to human and to animals was another one. In order to make connections you need feelings. Im still doubtful about the remorse but feelings for sure they have. I would like Susan Anderson to understand that.

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    1. I understand that feeling Luckyotter, it is traced back to childhood critics and emotional abandonment issues, that I can give so much to others and forgive them so Much yet I have trouble doing the same for me. I convict myself over and over again for trusting, believing, standing by, defending and loving. I torture myself emotionally for all of the above. Letting go of self blame is difficult.
      Luckyotter, how do you fill the void / emptiness inside you? I don’t know if I have a void , I think there is a need to find likeminded connection. I thought I found it in D. The falseness of such, creates a torrent of emotional blame and self love issues in myself. That has to be quelled to move on again and heal.
      Wishing you good luck in your healing.

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      1. I don’t know if the void can ever be filled, but I’m trying my damdest. Learning mindfulness skills helps, but it mainly distracts from focusing on the void, doesn’t get to the abandonment issue at its core. I’m in psychodynamic therapy with a good trauma therapist and we’ve been doing a lot of inner child and “chair” work (having me talk to my younger self in a chair). These same techniques are used for NPDs. It can be very triggering but also incredibly enlightening. The only way to heal is to get to the root trauma and be “reparented” by your therapist. It takes a very empathic therapist, which mine is, because they’re filling in for your parent(s) who lacked empathy and could not mirror you. When we do this work, I’m usually about 6 years old. Eventually you develop empathy for your child-self (true self) and from there, you can begin to reparent yourself and expand that empathy toward others. Basically you’re rewiring your brain.
        I have a 2nd blog that’s much more personal than my main one and where I talk more about my therapy sessions. I won’t link it here, but it can be found at downtherabbitholeblog.org

        Thank you for your kind wishes.

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      2. Luckyotter that sounds so fantastic, to have such therapy and to be willing to undergo such to facilitate your own healing…well done. I wish I could have the same, I know I would benefit from such. I have done some inner child meditations. I sent one from a psychic friend of mine to D and thought it would help him to real his past childhood trauma..I did not know he was a narcissist back then. He thanked me and said he would Listen, it makes me rather sad to think know he probably scoffed at me and deleted it following. His reason to me, was you are an adult now, not a child, you need to live In the present , not the past and so forth. I m surprised he even listened to me now, but he did and he responded as well to what I said. He knew I wanted to heal and maybe that scared him too. My healing would not be beneficial to him.
        Thank you for discussing with me.

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  5. I hate you….. I have heard that o many times….. After all I was the one that picked up the broken pieces or our relationship far to many times, making excuses for your every action. Trying to understand your wounded soul. Praying for you to have inner healing, praying to God asking how I can change to make it better. I gave you everything…. But I started to hate you, I hated the things you were doing to our family, I hated how you made me feel so small, I hated how you never valued anything I said or did. I hated that you lied and didn’t even care. The one things is I really feel that hate, it was the thing that fueled me to leave, it was the thing that helped me get a backbone and stand up to you. I also made the choice to let that hate go… You don’t even deserve that from me

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  6. HG. I could still almost fall for the first set. N2 used to give me sad puppy eyes and use many of those lines. So convincingly he said it. I still want to believe it was true. Deep down.

    Regarding the second set and given my circumstance, I would have turned jaded and told him that i was already dead and that no one could hate me more than i do, so take a number and stand in line. What would you do given that response?

    I wonder if he really chose me; things point to yes and no. He and my dad were in the same industry. I had no clue that they shared associates. Dad had no monetary pull but tons of respect. N2 would be so pissed when he and i went to parties and convos turned to dad and such and away from N2. The thing is that i didn’t even want to go to those forsaken things. N2 knew that if dad ever heard that he said anything from the second set, dad would verbally kick his @$$ to any of the shared associates in the kindest way possible. /ramble

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    1. If you had responded by saying that nobody could hate you more than yourself it would depend on how you said it. If it was laden with emotion, I would accept it and exploit it. If it was without emotion I would press you further, turning the knife in order to look to draw some emotion from you.
      It is no surprise that N2 hated the conversation turning to your father, the spotlight needed to be on N2.

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  7. For Miss Stress

    Hi Jana. I could not reply directly.
    I am not a beach person I am an everything person. i love also the snowed alps, the alps in summer, the forest, the rainforest, the river and the ocean and its beach. I am also a big city person and a little romantic village person, a home person….. Of course I prefer the snowed alps and the ocean because I do related sports but I do like all.
    I am also extremely romantic of walks in the beach hand in hand, walk across the alp lakes 😍, lie hand in hand watching the stars or wakeup in a tent infront of the ocean..
    I think its very nice your exBF described love. I would have liked that a BF of mine would have described love like that 😍😍.

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    1. I think you missed the point of his defining love, he defined it that way from an image he had seen to denote love….because he cannot feel or describe what it feels to be love or to love. It is only an image, not real and not emotion. Like the N it is a pretty image, but it isn’t real, it is a recreated fantasy. He couldn’t say when I think about how I love you I feel a welling of emotion inside me, I think of how much you make me feel inside, that I smile, that when we are apart I ache, that loving you makes me feel whole and it is like the waves upon the shore, the sun high above in the sky. The moon birthing the darkened sky, it is the nightingale in song…and so forth…..he had one standard image to define love, it nevr changed, he was like HG, a master wordsmith. Yet he was confounded to even find words to what he felt, or should I say didn’t feel….love. Love the way we feel it, Nikita, fully and emotionally.
      Yes, it is lovely image, I agree. But that is all.
      Yes, an everyhting person, I like that Nikita.
      I hope one day that you find someone who can define love that way for you and it will resonate for you the way it should. It resonated for me the way it should, falsely, it was a slipping of the mask yet again.
      He could write me so many poems defining love but when asked directly he was unable to do so. Like, he couldn’t compete it when not having a. Chance to define it on his own time. See, love for him was only words, not feeling. Love for me, is feeling, even through words, I find feeling.

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      1. Hi Jana. No I did not miss it. We already know that Ns have shut down the feelings on love. I think its beautiful the description he made of love. He was trying to feel love through those images that inspire love in everybody 💞💞. it pains me alot for N people Jana that they cant feel love 😢.

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      2. And they abuse the love of those who can feel , do not forget that aspect as well Nikita. It is sad they are as they are, but we and others have had traumatic childhoods and we do not harm others for our own benefit.
        Yes, fuel is there love….as long as we love they are fueled. But as we continue to fuel them and receive naught, in return , then what? We begin to lose ourselves and we must then free ourselves somehow before that destruction occurs. It is sad, to know the one you love the most, is Incapable of loving you even remotely close to the same manner. I suppose the important thing is we don’t stop loving or stop feeling, as a result of the abuse.

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  8. Thank You for writing this. It’s words he never said but I saw it in his eyes and felt it somehow I knew.. I wanted love, he wanted submission.

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      1. Two weeks ago my ex went to E R on and off for a week. I was not contacting him but it was like he was here heavy all but body. It was so intense I was thinking of killing myself to end it. It lasted about a week. I thought I was seriously loosing my mind. His girlfriend text me saying he needed help the next morning.. When I was with him I got to where I could sense him when he was close but it’s been 3 years and this was more intense. Can you give me some insight?

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      2. We ingrain ourselves inside your heart and soul through a succession of techniques which are repeated and layered so that you feel these emotional presence even when we are not there. To read lots more about how this is done and what you can do about it, read Exorcism.

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      3. The reason it seemed so odd was the strength of the feelings thoughts emotions came out of nowhere. If I had heard or seen N before the vibes starting going off it would not have bothered me so bad . It was like a hurricane of his spirit trying to start the whole process over. I know that he is mad because I left. He knows I love him and that even though my body isn’t there my heart is. I don’t even want to get close to another man. I don’t obey I disobey in most ways except my heart. It’s like my heart betrayed me. Until I started reading your wonderful information I still believed in the deepest part of me that he still wanted me as much as I wanted him and that one day maybe I could love him without him destroying me. I realize how stupid that sounds but in all honesty it’s my truth.

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