The Follow-Up Hoover

Image result for woman in the wind

 

It is a rare creature indeed that might be able to state that he or she has never experienced a Follow-Up Hoover. Should you manage to escape us, then you will be subjected to the might and the blitzkrieg that is the Initial Grand Hoover, so long as we know a way to contact you of course. It can be stated with certainty that should you weather the storm of the Initial Grand Hoover then you will be subjected to Follow-Up Hoovers at some later stage. You may think that once the IGH has taken place and you managed to batten down the hatches, preserve No Contact and keep your head from looking over the parapet that this will be the end of the matter. Not at all. If you escape us, you may have a period of calm as we turn to different sources of fuel, but that does not mean that we have given up the ghost. Furthermore, if you have been discarded then you can expect a Follow-up Hoover at a future point.

The scope, extent and the timing of the Follow-Up Hoover depends on a number of factors, foremost of which is the consideration as to which school your narcissist originates from, whether he or she is of the lesser, mid-range or greater variety. The Lesser, lacking the guile and the energy to embark on a sophisticated campaign of Follow-Up Hoovers is more likely to apply his or her mind to the acquisition (where there has been escape) or the embedding (where there has been discard) of a new primary source. The Follow-Up Hoover needs you to wander into the nearest spheres of influence to cause him to consider the expending of energy to draw that delicious hoover fuel from you.

The Mid-Range of our kind will be similarly pre-occupied but is prepared to put more effort into the Follow-Up Hoover and your wandering into the further spheres of influence will also trigger his interest.

With the Greater of our kind it is not a question of If, but rather when the Follow-Up Hoover will take place. Post escape or post discard, we will busy with the new primary source that we have managed to secure and also feeding from our numerous supplementary sources, but should there be any alteration in the fuel levels from these two sources then this will trigger recollection of you in our mind (the sixth sphere of influence) and this alone will prompt us to look to apply a Follow-Up Hoover against you to draw some further fuel. Should you make the mistake of straying into any of the other five spheres of influence then you will trigger a Follow-Up Hoover from the Greater of our kind. Not only is there the prospect of that remarkable and delicious hoover fuel but there is a score to settle. If you escaped us, we want you back and giving us fuel as the golden period comes calling again, but this is just a ruse. We are waiting with a harsher more brutal devaluation in order to punish you for your treachery. If we discarded you, the position is no different, all that has altered is our reasoning. In this case, you were discarded because you let us down with the provision of fuel. We hoover you through this follow-up on a benign basis in order to give you a chance to put things right, but lurking in the background is the waiting punishment of the harsher devaluation because you got it wrong the first time.

The other factor in determining when this particular hoover will take place is again down to you. Should you sail too close to us in this post Initial Grand Hoover period then you will provoke a Follow-Up Hoover because you have put yourself in our line of sight once again by entering the spheres of influence. You may not even have to speak to us, but rather be seen by us somewhere or post something on social media which causes you to appear like a blip on our radar and we sense the prospect of hoover fuel. This will send you hurtling into our mind once again.

Ordinarily, once we have sought out the new primary source fuel and we are engaged in seducing that person and binding them to us, we are too occupied with draining the positive fuel from this source and enjoying the positive (in the main) fuel that originates from the supplementary sources we will be relying on as well. We may be engaged repairing the damage you have done to our fuel supplies as a consequence of your implementation of No Contact and as a consequence you fall from our mind. We jettison any thoughts of you and erase any memory of you as it no longer serves us any purpose. We know you often think about us after the relationship has ended even when you have made that decision to bring it to a conclusion and we know that you cannot help but be engulfed in the memories of our relationship when we discard you. We however do not think about you in the immediate aftermath. We have no need to. You no longer serve a purpose for us. We have a new primary source to think about. We have various supplementary sources to consider. You have no place.

The only time we will think about you, in the immediate aftermath, is when something triggers the opportunity for us to attempt to obtain some potent hoover fuel from you. This trigger is  generated by you doing something to come within one of our spheres of influence (the first five -we do not just think of you yet as per the sixth sphere) and you come within our range once again and thus the memory of all the fuel you provided us will flood into our minds and we will attempt a Follow-Up Hoover.

Once the initial aftermath has passed, usually a number of months, you remain at risk. You may enter one of the spheres of influence (the first give) by reason of you doing something or you may just appear in our mind (the sixth sphere) for no good reason. Any of these could trigger a Follow-Up Hoover. The frequency of these hoovers depends on the relevant narcissist but in some instances they will keep happening month and after month and for years. In other instances you may hear nothing for ten years and then a Follow-Up Hoover will take place. Of all the hoovers, this is the hardest to predict when it will occur but you do play a large part in being the catalyst for them. The Follow-Up Hoover also comes in two forms, benign and malign. The benign form is used by all of our kind and is the one that is most recognised. It is there to win you back and resume the relationship as we seek to seduce you all over again. We may try repeated benign hoovers over a period of time (again influence by your presence in the spheres of influence and the relevant fuel provision at that time from other sources). The Lesser and Mid-Range tend to deal in the benign hoovers the most. The Greater of our kind use them too, but if these benign Follow-Up Hoovers do not cause you to re-connect then the Greater, especially, will switch to savage and Malign Hoovers in order to draw negative fuel. These naturally are not applied in order to resume the relationship, seduce you and gather positive fuel again, but rather to punish you for resisting us, to hurt you and to smear you through the nasty nature of these Follow-Up Hoovers. The actual content of the Follow-Up Hoover varies considerably with all manner of different methodologies applied, for both Benign and Malign but that is  a topic for a different occasion. What can be stated however is that you will invariably face at least one Follow-Up Hoover and some of you will have experienced dozens.

 

1+
Advertisements

66 thoughts on “The Follow-Up Hoover”

  1. The hardest idea to accept is that the discarded have no place in their thoughts but they live rent free in ours.
    I am just happy the emo pain has subsided.
    I love the fact his latest victim was not so honest on her finances. Is it guilty pleasure I enjoy this. Today the sun shines a bit brighter on my side of the street.

    3+
    1. Can you elaborate on not so honest on her finances? I declared bankruptcy a few years ago, but I don’t usually share this info with anyone – anyone who knows my real name, that is! 😉
      Unfortunately for me, it does show up as public record if you google my real name. If any of his other women find out, I’m sure they would have a good laugh at my expense. Then again, who’s the one who met his mom and got to be public on his fb page? 😉
      I think there is a difference between deliberately lying and omitting certain details.
      Of course this kind of rationalization is used often by narcs, right HG? And it’s not like you don’t do plenty of both.

      0
      1. You do have the advantage of a clean slate though Cody and over time the bankruptcy will disappear off your record. You are correct about the rationalisations, we regularly consider that there are degrees of truth and degrees of lying.

        0
  2. Thanks to you we all learned what hoovers were and how to face them.
    A refresher course is perfect 😘😘 because they even can come when we play dead.

    0
  3. So how to hoover? It can’t be done in person, at least initally. Justice is needed, HG, to bring about closure. Willing to devote a few resources to this…

    0
      1. Well now you mention it HG I’d be interested to know the answer.

        Good Morning BTW . Loved the broadcast yesterday, very impressive , though I still can’t place your accent, it’s far too polished to give anything way .. Definitely Southern England though 🙂

        0
  4. No, how will I….

    NC hasnt worked, and the games continue….perhaps for me to move on, he needs to “bleed” too?

    0
      1. Since September when I sent that email and card. I had left him alone for five months prior.… Then accepted that app invite in December. So your observation is correct…its hard forgiving someone not sorry but REALLY hard thinking you weren’t worth that hoover in the first place. A direct hoover is the closest thing ill get to closure HG. I want to get unstuck.

        1+
  5. After 8 mo, I get a text asking if I wanted to have dinner with his girls. That switched to did I want to come over and we would all grill out on his deck? That switched to the grill is broken, could I bring food from my restaurant?….. Typical.
    I brought dinner, had a great time with the girls, N was on his best behavior – until he pulled out an xs sweater and asked “did you leave this behind?”
    I’m a 34 D.
    I felt nothing. It was awesome.

    1+
  6. HG , I actually find it quite insulting that I have not been hoovered ha ha . It’s been 11 weeks, I have blocked him on a couple of apps so he can’t see when I’m active and I went through his sister to retrieve my belongings that were at his house. I did however drive past him once during this no contact period and ignored him (we live in the same town) . There has been no Hoover attempts . But this also makes me question if he even is a N. Although the evidence shows that I am 98 percent sure of it . His lack of hovering makes me more confused . Nor has he ever done any of the crazy chasing stuff , during the many break ups . I have gone back to him just by him texting or very often I have reached out to him first . This is the first time I have blocked him. Do you think that he will never Hoover therefore he is not a N or I am just not worth hoovering ? He always told me that he never chases women

    0
    1. Your first sentence is interesting and one that is quite common. I appreciate you mean it in a humorous sense but there is a grain of truth in it. You expect to be hovered to validate the fact you are worth doing so and if it does not happen (btw there is plenty of time yet) you feel insulted. It is not the case that he is not an N, you see firm in your opinion that he is and given you are the one who has experienced him more than anybody else I would suggest that your assessment (based on allying your experience with reading etc) is likely to be accurate. Nor is it right to think that you are not worth hoovering. You always will be worth hoovering.That fuel is delicious. No, it is most likely that he is busy with a different source and does not feel the need to hoover you. Yet. His comment about not chasing was designed to unsettle you, make you feel worthless but also designed to make you check up on him. He is biding his time.

      1+
    2. Lisa, I know it’s hard to see it now, but I hope one day you can see that him NOT hoovering you is in a sick
      narco way a major testament to your being a shitty – at least compared with other options – source of fuel. Or maybe just less reliable. I know HG has said that a hoover is always possible – even if it’s been years! But why go after challenging, hard to extract fuel when there are so many leaky gas pumps within arms reach? I don’t know your whole story, but I would guess if you were an easy, leaky pump, he may have hoovered by now. This is just my opinion after everything I’ve read on this blog. HG is obviously speaking with an expertise that I will (thankfully) never have. 🙂

      1+
      1. Cody , thanks for your comment , I’m not sure but is it a compliment to me ?? In some way ? This whole thing is so confusing . My whole nearly 2 years with this guy , I never felt that he was that into me . I never knew he was a narc . But in some weird way , I knew he kept sticking around but I wasn’t his type ( I know narcs don’t like anyone really ) but the odd thing is , even when I didn’t know what he was , I knew he always was trying to create drama , whilst constantly claiming he hates drama . But I never really gave him much drama because I would not bite when he would try to pick arguements over absolute nonsense and just question why he was saying such ridiculous things . Maybe I’m not interesting enough to Hoover . It’s very disappointing not to be hoovered . Now I understand it more it would be interesting to be in his company again. Having said all of this , I did really love him and tried very hard to make it work and it’s horrible to find out all of this . But yes I think I bored him and I was always the one breaking up with him , I think reading about the discard post , I come under the wedge , golden wedge and the fake wedge , I always left due to those stories I was given . So sadly I may never be hoovered , the only hope there might be is if his curiosity wants to see if he could still get me back yet again .

        1+
  7. I suppose he was content with the extraction he received from his wife and four children. She is a wreak, and the kids hate him now. Initially, after his separation, he had three of us (that I’m aware of), but I was in it just for sex. He did discard me, after telling me he loved me, then saying be didn’t have romantic feelings for me. Rude, but whatever. Three months later, with no contact from me, he followed me to Alaska to profess his love. (At the time,I didn’t know he had slept with his old college girlfriend the weekend before he met me.) We continued in a relationship for a year, taking big trips together and talking about a future, all his idea. Just like you said, he love bombed me, then secured my presence, “i need to keep you close”, “your my star”, and finally, started chatting with an old, married girlfriend, again deciding he didn’t have romantic feelings for me the weekend after he told me he would do anything to protect what we had. I suppose he knew I was on to him.
    I exposed his behavior to the ex, and he reacted strongly at work (Which exposed him even further) and now we are in the No Contact/silent treatment phase.
    I have seen the angry, spiteful child he can be. I am concerned. I would like to know if he is done with me. I have NOTHING to offer him. I need to keep him away!

    0
  8. Do you lay in bed at night wishing that people would understand what you say? Do you think how many different ways do I have to tell you people the same answers? Or do you enjoy telling the same stories over and over? It has been my experience with Ns that they repeat the same jokes, anecdotes and stories because these are the ones that cause the biggest reactions. After a while close associates and others think, here we go again….do you realize that and do it anyway? Please grace me with your thoughts. Curious like a Cat.

    1+
    1. When you ask do I wish that people would understand, do you mean generally or specific to what I write in the blog and books?
      Yes you are correct. The repetition of certain jokes and golden anecdotes which provide the greatest fuel is natural and however little different from the behaviours of anybody who knows that a joke receives a good laugh.

      0
      1. I mean what u write. Hey wait a second, that last part, “little different from the behaviours of anybody who knows that a joke receives a good laugh”, I resemble that statement. Did I just make that about me? OMG I’m trying on your personality and oh is it powerful. Yes, yes I think I like it. Someone save me…. dark…side…pulling….uh…..fighting…

        0
  9. Yes. You will unleash your wrath or disgust at the next disengagement. Forewarned. He hasn’t escalated so I’m going to say all is okayish for now.

    0
  10. 1. Because it shows I was worth hoovering. I was useful; he missed my fuel. If he is hoovering, it also means he is desperate for that fuel and has hit bottom.

    2. A renewed golden period (if it gets that far, perhaps not) will give the opportunity to walk on my own terms.

    1+
    1. TT, please read what I wrote above to Lisa. I would copy and paste here but do not want to be obnoxious. (Will save that for my narc…)

      0
      1. I see your point, But in my case I was a delicious source, a loyal lieutenant in fact, for over 14 years….until I wasn’t. You see the ego wound here? NC isn’t working, and i’m not Jesus I can’t turn the other cheek (no matter how hard I try). To make a long story short, then, i’m stuck. I want to get unstuck. Since closure is an impossibility it feels this is the only way (unless someone here can offer another). I want to move on, I can’t. Its not ok what happened. Its not ok my replacement (a nice person by the way) killed themselves for this very reason. Where is the justice here?

        1+
  11. Lisa, you “would not bite when he picked arguments”? That’s awesome! For you, I mean. For a narc? That’s just unacceptable. And do you know how many of the empaths and codepedents here “would not bite”? Close to zero. Certainly not in the beginning. Look, I know a hoover can feel validating – like you’re “worth” it for him to come back. But if you stay here and keep reading, you will slowly begin to absorb the narc’s reality, which is the hoover is for one purpose and one purpose only: to get fuel. And if you were a bad or unreliable source of fuel in the first place? Then you are not going to be high on the hoover list – not if your narc has access to plenty of low-hanging fruit, so to speak. That is NOT to say he will not hoover at some point. But you have to retrain your mind on what a hoover really means. This is NOT a normal guy who dumped you and then decided to come back because he realized what a mistake he made and you are “the one”. This is a NARC. And when a NARC comes back, it is because he wants and needs fuel, and he knows he can get it from you.
    I think you are very vulnerable right now and will be very susceptible to a hoover. If you allow him back in, just be aware of how it will play out. No matter what happens, please continue to come to this blog. Even if you are “with” him (I have not yet gathered the courage to cut the cord with G so as you can see I’m great at preaching what I don’t fully practice), reading and posting here will make you stronger and hopefully bring you (and me and everyone else in our situation) to a place where we can finally say NEVER AGAIN, and mean it.

    1+
    1. Cody and HG thank you for taking the time to respond to me. No I won’t leave the blog as it is my support at the moment and is teaching me everything . Seriously I think I must have been living in a cave all my life while all this has been going on . I didn’t even know what a narc was . Yes I’m a bit obsessed at the moment with him coming back . I wish I could say otherwise . I know I can’t win , I lost the day I met him, I just didn’t know it. I think I was useless as supply as I just kind of wouldn’t play . But he stuck around for nearly 2 years so I’m not sure why although of course it was off and on . HG has since told me he thinks he didn’t even really see me as his girlfriend . It’s just so shocking to find all this stuff out . That narcs do all of this stuff . It has definately affected me quite badly .

      0
      1. You are welcome Lisa. Keep reading and contributing and your understanding will grow and outweigh the emotional element over time.

        0
      2. Lisa, I’ve been where you are. I am far from recovered. But when I think of where I was when I first discovered this blog a few months ago compared to where I am now? I know I am on my way. Talk about Head versus Heart battle! My head, thanks to the blog here, knows that my narc sees me and all the others as fuel: nothing more, nothing less. Some are better suppliers than others, and as a codependent, that makes me a particularly easy and reliable source. But Lisa! This is NOT a contest you want to win! You think you want it now and feel especially rejected because he hasn’t hoovered you. I’m not here to lecture you because I know it would do about as much good as it would have if someone had told ME just a few months back when I was first beginning to understand what he really is. All I can tell you is to keep reading and posting here. I have already seen amazing progress in others here who came on around the same time as I did and were basically looking for any loophole to reassure themselves that no, my guy isn’t really a narc, or okay, maybe he’s a narc, but I’m the exception to all the others and surely he will change for ME, right? Now, these same people are well on their way to recovery, and you can tell by the change in tone and kinds of questions they ask. That’s not to say that every single one of us would no longer be susceptible to a hoover. But if it DOES happen and we DO cave, at least we’ll do so with full awareness of what it really means and how it’s going to turn out. (Hint: badly…for you.). You too will get to that point, my dear. I believe you can do this. Do you?

        1+
  12. …and here we go again HG. Another friend request from some widowed loser with no mutual friends who lives right near psychopath. Its hoover time because im
    sick of this s#it.

    1+
    1. How about closing down your social media accounts or if you do not want to do that, why not take a break from them for three months and do not check in on them?

      1+
  13. Because they are my only connection to the outside world at times. Why does this keep happening tho? If he has no interest in direct contact with me?

    0
  14. HG, please consider future post about how you decide who to hoover or something that describes the narc’s thought process. My suspicion is the low-hanging fruit (leaky pumps within arms’ reach) would be the first choice, but ultimately only you can speak to the selection process.
    Anyway, I think it would be helpful for those who are still stuck on the idea that hoovering somehow validates one’s worth as attractive/interesting/loveable when in fact it really only comes down to one thing: fuel.

    0
    1. Thank you Cody, suggestions are always welcome. I have added it to the list. Expect something this week/next week, in the meanwhile, don’t hang too low on the tree, I am coming!

      1+
      1. Honey, I’m a Co-D. (Get it?). You don’t get much lower hangin’ than that. 😉

        1+
    2. Cody yes I need this post that you have requested from HG. Your comments have been helpful. I constantly need this wake up call. I still slip into denial about him and think , maybe he isn’t one . I have had occasional days where I feel like I’ve made progress and then suddenly I just miss him again and just want to be back with him. I have read so much stuff it’s unbelievable and I just think how can I know all of this and still want him back some days . So therefore I must be as sick as him .

      1+
      1. Been there, mi amiga. STILL there, in fact. I’m still addicted, and I KNOW better. 🙁

        1+
  15. Ok but if its screwing with me simply for screwings sake….would this be where we might consider sociopathy?

    0
      1. HG, is there a blog on here about what the narcissist does or thinks when his digarded victim starts a relationship with someone new and is moving on ?

        0
  16. Interesting material.
    a question:
    much has been written regarding the need to hoover but how does a narcissist FEEL once the hoover has been successfully executed?

    If a benign hoover takes place after suffering severe narcissistic injury due to being exposed how are they likely to act next?

    0
    1. Hello Echo,
      We gain fuel which makes us feel powerful. The fuel is potent because we have exhibited how magnificent we are in drawing fuel from somebody who may well have tried to resist us, should have resisted us and therefore to be able to draw this fuel from them underlines our sense of omnipotence.
      If a benign hoover occurs having being wounded, the fuel gained from the hoover will heal the wound and any fury that existed as a consequence of the wounding would abate.

      0
      1. thank you for your clarity.
        so if what they feel is powerful and the wound has effectively been healed then are they likely to disappear? Is the successful execution of such a benign hoover actually closure or are they more likely to consider this reconfirmation of an effective source of fuel to be tapped into at will once more?

        0
      2. No, because the fuel will dissipate as time goes on and more will be needed. This may come from various sources including the person who was subjected to the Benign FUH.
        You are absolutely correct in stating this is a reconfirmation of an effective source of fuel to be tapped into at will – more than once as well.

        0
  17. Is it possible that he’ll never try to contact (hoover) me again? The discard was 2 months ago. He texted me 14 days after the break up to tell me “out of respect for me” that he had met someone “lightning struck” dated her 5 times and had married her the night before he sent me the text. Haven’t heard a word since and sure as hell haven’t contacted him. Is it possible I’ll get lucky and never hear from him again?

    0
    1. Hello Wendy, it is likely that he is preoccupied with the golden period with this new primary source. There is plenty of time yet for a hoover to take place. When she is devalued, he may well come sniffing in accordance with whether there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met. See the articles in the Prime Articles Menu bar for more.

      0
  18. Tank you HG for that brillant blog. I keep reading every day and it really helps me to understand the dynamic of these people.

    Since I reduced my fuel, I’ve been devalued and then he blocked me from social Media in January. I keep NC of course – expecting the hoover signs.

    Now, I have been informed by a mutual friend, that he is on vacation, changing his profile picture nearly every day pretending he has a great time. There is no new woman on these pics, but some shots from a far distance show, that he’s not alone.

    HG, What does he get/want from these acts?

    0
  19. Well, H G, figure this one out for me. My narc got furious with me 5 months ago because I didn’t give in to him and commenced a “silent treatment.” but did text ” Happy New Year.” I went as silent as he did. No contact at all. Now I passed very close by him on the highway a few days ago and received a black stare. I ignored him. Usually, I have gotten a hoover before now. This is the longest. So, will him hoover or not? Should I keep No Contact and bar the door?

    0
    1. The risk always remains. Maintain No Contact and bar the door. The occasions where you sail into a sphere of influence and he does not hoover tells you that the hoover bar is high and each time it will move a little higher.

      0
      1. Thank you. I have never given in to a silent treatment and he always returned. But since he saw me, I am being wary.

        0
  20. Hi HG, I love your work which has helped me greatly! Please tell me how a mid ranger would feel if after a successful hoover the victim keeps telling him that she has to get used to having him back in order to annoy him? Why does he act surprised that the victim does not believe him any longer?

    0
  21. Free your mind. Stay NO Contact. Period. If you break up with them due to them cheating or other insidious acts do not try to get them back. Know that there was no LOVE on their part. All the intimate things you did meant NOTHING. What you gave meant nothing. It was just fun for them. Yes it hurts and you are disappointed. Do not engage, especially if they have a new source and you try to get them back. You may love them still but all you will be doing is providing double fuel/supply for them simultaneously. They have you already. Now they are doing the same things they did with you with the others to secure them also. They may also do more with the new sources to give said source the appearance of being more valuable than you. If you maintain contact with them, you will hear all about what they are doing too, either from them or the new source /fuel. Be assured that their new victim will be in the triangle of deception too, going through the same thing. The new source/fuel becomes their minion due to the onslaught of love bombs. If you go no contact they will CONTACT at some point to draw you in. Be prepared to be let down at some point if you engage any way. No one will win. I have been through it too. In a small town its worse. People love to tell what people are doing and with whom they are doing it. In my example it started in high school dating with who I thought was a nice person. Two years or so dating I graduate go to prom and enjoy summer again with this person and go to college. In my forth coming absence the search for new fuel got increased and the devaluation and discard began that summer. Things got bad at one point and the law was involved due to my fighting back against the lies and deception. Go no contact, don’t look for closure or for them to be accountable for their less than desirable behaviour. Its been over twenty years for me since the breakup. The NARC in my case has many failed relationships, been married and divorced, kids with different men, and a financial leach to her parents. Over the years you remember things that happened and get a light bulb moment after learning about narcissists. The hoovering has happened in subtle (or not) ways. It can be a drive by, a stare from across a dark room while they are with one of their new sources while you’re with someone new, them entering where you work with a new source, phone calls, approaching you to tell you they can’t have fun anymore because they are pregnant, an invite to see their new baby cause she’s so cute, parents getting an invite to their wedding, parents getting a wedding picture afterwards cause they did not go. The latest was showing up at my fathers wake and giving a hug saying they’re sorry. I gave a free pass on that one because her father and mine were friendly and she came with him. In many of the cases its done in situations where it would be to the sources detriment or not appropriate to blow up. Never underestimate the lengths to which they will go to feel you out to get a measure of what fuel is left if any. In my case there is no reason for this person to come within at the least ten feet of me yet alone to talk. They remember things different. Needless to say, just go no contact and read, read ,read. Educate yourself about NARCS.

    0

Leave a Reply