The Weapon That is Infidelity

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Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –

  • Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
  • Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
  • Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
  • Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;

Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.

Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.

We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.

By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.

“Is it something I have done?”

This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.

We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –

“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”

“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”

“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”

“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”

“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”

 

You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.

Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.

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52 thoughts on “The Weapon That is Infidelity”

  1. HG , it wouldn’t matter how much sex you were getting with your partner or how much fuel you would still do this , that is the truth ? Isn’t it ?

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      1. HG you say it’s about the fuel & I understand the concept of the Golden period & the control with devaluation as we’ve discussed previously .

        What about the time in the middle though post GP & pre devaluation ?
        I’m asking because no matter how much porn narc watched , no matter how many times he engaged his right hand he constantly wanted sex
        He enjoyed having orgasms .. ?

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      2. The period after GP at the beginning of the devaluation is a period where the stranger barrier appears. I may not be for long with some of our kind and could be for several months with others. It might be that your N went from GP through to the full devaluation quickly, with a very short neutral period. We may give you lots of sex during GP and then withhold during devaluation, or provide sex during GP and then alter the type of sex we engage in during devaluation but still want sex. Yes the physical experience of an orgasm is pleasant but it falls behind the need for fuel.
        Bear in mind he may also have just kept saying he wanted sex to make you feel pestered as part of the devaluation.

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      3. Thanks for the detailed reply HG .

        Thinking back now I think I was devalued very soon after the relationship started .

        Sex was a chore to me , certainly not love making . He couldn’t even kiss me . I always told him if he really wanted to push my buttons that’s all he had to do . But he never did .
        Accept when he thought I was about to leave .
        And yes it did change as you already know especially when he’d secured his new source .

        As always thank you for clearing the murky waters HG ..

        So Sad 🙂

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    1. Society trains us to think that men cheat when they’re not getting enough sex from their partner, and often a woman crying over her husband’s infidelity is assumed to not be putting out in the sex department. This plays PERFECTLY into the hands of a narc! Because we think if we just give him lots of sex, he will be faithful. And if we sense he’s losing interest, we assume of course it is OUR fault, so we offer up more sex – and then are even more hurt and confused when we are rejected.
      Don’t think for one second that being sexy and sexually available at any and all times is going to somehow save you from getting devalued by a narc, because as HG has said time and time again, it’s not about the sex. It’s about the FUEL.

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    2. Believe me, Lisa, this was very hard for me to wrap my head around. It STILL is. But I belong to the church (cult?) of HG now! Stay on this blog and stay strong!

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  2. Or the infidelity is part of the addictive nature of the narcissist?along with collection of fuel. As I was giving a high output of fuel. I think infidelity was a need behind even fuel based Or his high sex drive machinations, the ingrained ability to lie on all things.
    D never hoovered when I found out about further flings and added appliances and left….he knows better this time to Hoover, I secured that based in my choice of behaviour to ensure the wounding would cause him to avoid me. I set it up in advance by leaving values of what my response would suggest, then when that behaviour occurred in response to his infidelity, let’s just say he knew.
    I wonder if he was honest about his appliances and sexcapades, if I would have been able to abide by it. Seeing his were online flings only, not physical contact affairs. But even when I found out about fake accounts for that reason, he still mAde up disingenuine reasoning. I always premised just tell the truth, and it will be okay. I promise. He knew that was the truth. But , lies are so much easier, I assume.
    This is a wonderful and honest post HG. Thank you for sharing it.
    If you knew an appliance would be hurt by such infidelity would you not pursue them? Or would it matter? And just ensure they dont find out, until you devalue.

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      1. True. It is hurtful. I find the lies more hurtful. For some reason if I know, I can rationale my response better. I did forgive him. Then lied about it again..so….. Yes , it is his nature to lie and mine or forgive..but at what point do we balance…never….so I am always at a loss.
        Still in no contact..you were right HG, I should nevr had tried to get closure from him.

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      2. It is, plus, I used my own reasoning that if reversed and he accepted me then I would give him what he needed. Even the truth. But it isn’t reversed, I do give the truth and acceptance and fuel. I guess I needed to give him the past, where I was blissfully unaware . No wonder he was designing a time machine….

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  3. I know you say infidelity is a given HG, but I wondered how you can be so completely sure.

    My reasoning for questioning this is twofold:

    In my experience the lesser and mid range narcs I have encountered have suffered with additional mental health and/or substance abuse problems that significantly impair their functioning and ability to seduce. I think they would find it extremely difficult to find the energy to juggle more than one woman at a time.

    Lesser and mid range narcs of the Victim and Cerebral cadres have by your admission less of an interest in sex and I think they are less likely to be physically unfaithful although they may still seek female attention of another kind.

    Also on a personal note I’m certain that narc #1 was not unfaithful. His behaviour after two months of living together suddenly became quite bizarre when one day he left to buy a newspaper and pint of milk and did not return for four hours. This pattern started to happen almost daily and started me wondering if he was seeing someone else. In the end I had a private detective follow him. He was in fact spending hours and hours frequenting newsagents shops reading and then buying newspapers, it transpired this was all part of his obsessive-compulsive disorder. He most definitely would never have had time for other women.

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    1. Hello CR12, maybe he knew he had a PD following him and decided to read the newspapers that day!! Thank you for your observations and there is force in what you write. Of course when I refer to infidelity that is an elastic concept. To some flirting with someone else is regarded as a complete no-no, to others a kiss would be regarded as lacking fidelity, with others the act has to be sexual, but what of the N sharing his thoughts and supposedly intimate details (albeit mostly fabricated) with someone outside of his relationship? Would that be regarded as infidelity? A platonic infidelity? You pick up on the point in your fourth paragraph. I think that the width by which infidelity might regarded means that is nearly always going to happen (from flirting through to sexual intercourse). The reason I take the view that it is a given is because
      1. It can be couched in wide terms;
      2. It is fuel and we need fuel’
      3. The liaison may only be brief but still amount to infidelity so even a time-pressed N would find a way to do it;
      4. It is part of triangulation which is used do often;
      5. If the primary source is being subjected to a ST the additional fuel has to be obtained from elsewhere and is usually through infidelity.

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      1. CN told me when confronted that online flings were not cheating as he Physically never kissed or had sex with any of them????? Was this to delude himself and condone his behaviour to himself, surely it wasn’t for me. I don’t buy that line of …I realized in last year, when I did detective work, that he was engaging women during my silent treatments, he claimed just for sport and fun, stress buster lol

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    2. I take your point HG, about infidelity being a wide spectrum and in that sense he was probably getting attention elsewhere especially during periods of ST but I don’t think it was sexual.

      The PD followed him on more than one ocassion and he did the same thing…I also saw him do the same thing later in the relationship which is when he started hoarding newspapers.

      How devaluing is that…to be triangulated with a newspaper! Although I can laugh about it now 🙂

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      1. Well it is encouraging for you that you can now laugh about it. We will triangulate people with anything. Of course the burning question is, were you triangulated with a quality broadsheet or the red top tabloids?

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  4. Sex is a weapon. I don’t know that my mother cheated on my father (my two sisters and I all look like father), but I’ve used sec as a weapon…anger me while we’re in a relationship and your brother, your boss, your best friend (any and every man you respect in life), I fuck, and I make sure you know about it so you think of those men laughing about how they’ve had what’s yours.

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  5. A matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. I like the way you described it. This post very well explains it to the maximum. More fuel.

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    1. Hello Mollie,there are several reasons why he used prostitutes which include triangulation, the sense of omnipotence he derives from purchasing the time of another and being in a position to control them through to deriving a distinction between you and them. I expand on the use of prostitutes in Sex and the Narcissist.

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    2. My 2nd husband liked call girls but he was not a NARC, just stupid with hangups that only paid girls like oral sex. The wife stayed pure. I used to tell my girlfriends that I get jewelry with out giving a BJ ( not to be crude).
      Narcs wouldn’t want to pay for it I would think.

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  6. Dear Peter, Mark, Matthew, Luke, John, Paul, George and Ringo,
    Nice One. Do people get it?
    If he feels nothing about sex, it’s not going to hurt him if you !@#$ someone else. It only makes you look like a hooker who’d !@#$ anyone. Gosh, that will make him mad! Hey, who wrote my name/number on the bathroom wall?

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    1. 2empathetic. I laughed so hard at your salutation. Yes. He would be pissed. He would accuse the boy who bagged your groceries of being jailbait bc he smiled at you. You smiled back. That is infidelity in his mind. He could put his ck in a vat of hungry cootch with no mind.

      HG. I hope you don’t take that as criticism. I can’t help if you do.

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  7. My Narc told me he wanted to date other women (five hours after telling me he loved me) so I have to give him this for being honest.
    He gave me enough info to figure out who the last one was. I have to say there was no jealousy. No comparison. My ego is now back intact. Instead of dwelling on why he would do this, I thought he sure did go backwards. As I told him, I lowered myself and reached down for him, never again. It feels good to know I am what he would love to be.
    He said he used her for the opportunity to go to France. He has now become a pathetic man in my eyes.
    A Narc like HG would have handled me in a whole other way. He would have played the game for the gain.

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  8. ALSO HG TUDOR showed me the light. This is why I feel like I do now. I will forever be in his debt. I just hope he never wants to collect.

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  9. D was jealous believe me, he had no need to be, I have never cheated on any partner and certainly not to make them jealous or for revenge. I am loyal and faithful. My behaviour is not contingent upon his, same as love, so, he didn’t love me the same way, doesn’t mean I did not love him. I have been cheated on and I always find out, that is my nature to know and believe me, I will KNOW. The recourse of such is what they do when confronted with my knowledge, deny it doesn’t bode well, admit it and I am willing to work it out and forgive depending on my level of love for the person. If they blame me for their cheating, I leave without question. I am not at fault for the behaviour of another, nor are they for mine.
    I do get it, it isn’t love or connection for the N, it is merely the “act” of sex to get fueled. That “act” can be performed by anyone, everyone is nameless a faceless. It is the fuel that as HG. States, rules!!
    2mpathetic, you made me laugh again. Thank you.

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    1. I have cheated……………..when I am not fulfilled. But I will tell someone if I am not happy or something is missing before I do so they can try to work on us.

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      1. Yes, you are giving them an oppurtunity to fix relationship. If they chose not to then they have had fair warning. I suppose I am used to not being unfulfilled that I have been become conditioned to such, I mean more In the emotional fulfillment sense. I need to be less of pleaser and . More of a taker. I prefer the mutual give and take relationship.

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  10. I tend to disagree with what 2mpathetic said but I defer to HG to set me straight if I am wrong.

    Would it not wound the narcissist if the victim was unfaithful? Of course I agree that you’d view the person as a whore who would screw anyone but it would be a sort of criticism to some extent??

    Because what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. You can do as you please but the same cannot be said for the victim.

    Sex is indeed a precious weapon and a fun one at that.

    Brilliant as always HG. I think I will invest in a thesaurus because I can’t seem to find enough adjectives to describe the absolute perfection with which you drive your point home.

    And I do so love when you drive it home HG……repeatedly (I’m being a naughty girl now….)

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    1. As usual B&T.
      You only hurt yourself if you think you are punishing him by sleeping with someone else. They will get fuel. You get a reputation. Stupid solution to problem. So if you’re asking HG would it wound the narcissist, does that mean you’re not one? U keep saying that you are. Just wondering because I thought you were a know it all from the female Narcissist perspective. This is not an attack. Put your safety back on! It’s a legitimate question.

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      1. If you actually paid attention to what I’ve written in this space you would know I never once said I was a narcissist

        I was asked point blank a few times and answered that although I have some tendencies, I have been diagnosed by professionals as something other.

        I never professed to be a know it all. People have asked questions and HG pointed them in the direction of myself and Not Quite (hello gorgeous!!!) and he noted I am not one of his kind but close.

        I would thank you for the sage advice about hurting myself by sleeping with people but since it doesn’t apply to me, I won’t waste my time.

        Good day to you.

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      2. I wasn’t advising you. I was speaking in general about “people” hurting themselves sexually. Glad you’ve sought professional help. Happy to hear that HG needs to use you to help him out with advice. Good day 2 u too.

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      3. I didn’t suggest HG “needs” me for anything, I’d like to make that clear.

        Only that a reader had a question regarding female narcissists and he felt perhaps Not Quite and I might be able to offer some perspective.

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      4. Why would HG ask ones to question you if you only have narcissistic tendencies? Shouldn’t they get information from a full blown narcissist? Wouldn’t you better serve the people here expounding on your real diagnostic disorder?

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      5. I believe HG responded to you and that`s pretty much what I wanted to say. A reader here had questions regarding female narcissists and HG simply said that perhaps Not Quite and I could offer a different perspective since we are both females who are not full-blown narcissists, as you state, but tread the waters.

        I would never dream of even attempting to steal HG`s thunder since 1. I`m not stupid enough to think I actually could; 2. I have too much respect and admiration for him to ever dream of doing so; and 3. that`s not why I`m here.

        If someone asks me questions, I will answer them, as long as HG gives me permission to do so. This is not my blog or my forum, so why on earth would I use it to divulge my diagnosis, etc. I have my own blog for that.

        I don`t owe anyone on this blog anything and I am not here to better serve you, or anyone else here for that matter. I am here to interact with HG, provide my thoughts and opinions, and to gain insight.

        I am courteous and respectful, as long as the same is afforded to me, even when I don`t agree with or understand where someone else is coming from.

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  11. I know you “like” me, HG! I provide good fuel, like this: I am grateful that I discovered your blog and should probably be paying you what an insurance company would pay to a therapist – probably much more. Maybe when G marries me and gives me a weekly cash allowance. (Who am I kidding… He would give me a credit card – if I was even that lucky – and would grill me each month over the itemized bills!)

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  12. The next book of yours I must get is Sex and the Narcissist. Sex was the center of everything with my marriage with my ex. Most abuse started and eventually ended sexually. I cannot say how many times I heard, “Sex has no meaning for me, I can separate sex from love.” However sex was used as a very dangerous tool with me, unfortunately during the seduction period I opened up and shared too much of my past including sexual molestation as a child, and situations as a teenager and young adult, that aided him to use sex as his most potent manipulation.

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    1. I agree you should, you will find it very interesting. Your exposure of your vulnerability is a common trait in those who are chosen by us and one which is exploited.

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  13. All of them, HG. He bought every single newspaper every day and kept them. Wherever he is today, at least his home will be well insulated. Highly flammable but warm lol!

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      1. He didn’t discard me. In the end I told him if he wanted contact with his son he would have to do it through the courts. I knew he wouldn’t because of his history and his hatred of any kind of authority.

        I then went no contact changed all my numbers and eventually moved house. No way he could find me now. Also being a Lesser Victim narc, he didn’t have your stamina or finesse HG. Thank God!

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