Nothing’s Impossible

 

 

Image result for toothpaste back in tube

There are times when even my charm is in limited supply and is refusing to stretch. This often happens when I have subjected a victim to a fierce period of devaluation so that they have been pushed to their limits and they are at breaking point. Something stirs inside of them which causes them to decide that they need to escape me. They may not fully understand why but they know that they need to depart. It may be the case that an external influence is interfering in my carefully laid plans of denigration and this meddling threatens to puncture of even sever my supply of delicious negative fuel. It is at these moments when I am staring at the potential loss of a succulent supply of fuel that I make a particular play in order to prevent the cessation of supply. In such circumstances I will ensure that there is only you and I and that the potential for external interference is at a minimum. I need to ensure that I have your undivided attention and there will not be somebody else seeking to throw a spanner into the works. I want them excluded and banished so that I can concentrate entirely on you and make my last throw of the dice.

“I know that this time I will have to change,” I will begin as I fix you with my most earnest of looks. You stop what you are doing and look at me and already I can see the indecision in your eyes as I start with this sentence. It is always a good opening gambit. You and your like love to think that we can change, that there is some goodness deep within us that can be harnessed and used to get us back on track. You are great believers in redemption.

“I need a miracle to help me this time, “ I continue as I underline the gravity of the task that I am faced with. By according such gravitas to your stated intention to depart, I demonstrate just how seriously I am taking your threat. Inside I am exploding with rage at your audacity in daring to even to suggest that you will leave me. Me, of all people, me who has done so much for you. It is everything I can do to contain the fury but I know I must do so for an explosion now will be what finally pushes you away.

“How did we come to be this far apart?” I ask fixing you with a pleading look. By underlining that we were once so close, nay inseparable, I am appealing to your desire to bring us back to that closeness once again. This also allows you a chance to talk and talk is something you like to do. I let you trot out all the perceived injustices that you have supposedly suffered at my hands. I hear little of it because I know that you are mistaken and this is all based on your incorrect perceptions of me. This time I just have to let it wash over me in order to allow my influence to exert itself over you. I cannot stand to be criticised and inside I am dying but I am taking this blow for the greater good, the greater good of ensuring this precious fuel supply remains intact.

“Just tell me what you need me to do and I will do it,” I trot out next, conning you into thinking that you have some vestige of power and authority over me, when of course you have none. Again in order to serve my own purposes I am content to allow you to think that you can bring some influence to bear over me. Again this will give you a chance to detail all of the change and remedial behaviours you expect me to engage in. I will nod and make the appropriate noises as you ramble on about the changes you want me to effect. I pluck the lines which I have heard others use on so many occasions to enable me to continue my con. You are suckered by it on every occasion. I know it works and this is why I do it.

“I know we can get through this, nothing’s impossible,” I add as I take your hands and stare into your eyes. Invariably this line secures you giving me yet another chance and your relief eclipses my own as I know that I have you once again. Your joy at not parting provides me with even further fuel and I can allow you a brief golden period by way of reward. After all, you may as well enjoy it because it is not going to last for long is it?

 

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113 thoughts on “Nothing’s Impossible”

  1. New forehead tattoo for Cody and everyone here who is convinced that THIS time their narc – and please don’t forget, HG IS A NARC (and damn proud of it!) will be different:
    You and your like love to think we can change, that there is some goodness deep within us…
    (And don’t forget to have the artist add the copywright symbol, 2016, HG Tudor Corporation- unless you want HG’s army lieutenants slapping you with a big fat lawsuit!)

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  2. Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain.
    HG I hope you have an unlimited supply of xanax. The level of anxiety you must experience is going to kill you. Don’t you just ever want off the ride? I know it’s boring but HG, walk amongst the little people once in a while just so u don’t drop dead. There goes my empathetic brain again. Sorry I was weak. Take me back, I’ll ride the Rollercoaster with u and let you throw up on me, k? 🎢

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    1. Throw up on you…..you are just too giving….since HG takes, give him your vomit instead. I don’t like roller coasters, fear of heights. I would screaming and clinging the entire ride.

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      1. My clingyness , I actually heard the word pathetic. When I wrote it. Or her vomitting.? Or both, shouldn’t you be sleeping, young man?

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      2. Miss Stress my little lamb chop. U seem sweet. Have you ever had someone spew their problems at u? Almost like they purge all of their hot mess at you? You walk away all like did I just get thrown up on? HG needs to purge. He needs to let go and enjoy the ride. It is scary as hell from one perspective but exciting and exhilarating from another. He’s an adrenaline junkie. He is fueled by emotional highs and lows. To wait in the queue where it’s an even keel would terrify him. Things are calm there. Things are relaxed. He can’t have that it scares him. So being I’m a good listener, I’d get on the ride with him and if he threw up or purged himself on me, being the good empath I am I’d clean it up. I would try to help him. I am 2mpathetic. I am a believer that someone can always course correct. HG just doesn’t want to. There is no help to give if someone thinks what they are doing works for them. I would accept what he is and get on the ride with him, have fun for a while then let him go if he wants. There is always a replacement player. Now here’s some dramamine and get on with me MS, I’ll hold your hand and scream with you. HG bring the backlash. I’m bracing myself.

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      3. Waiting in the queue? I always have queue jumpers. Nor will I throw up.
        There is no help to give if someone thinks what they are doing works for them – very well put.

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      4. Of course u do. Come on you’d throw up for some fuel. Think how much you could milk that. My friends ex would go to amusement park and proceed to men’s room b4 leaving and wash up in the sink….attention everyone…
        I’m taking off my shirt and wiping down my sweaty body so you can gaze upon my Adonis like physique. That made me want to throw up.

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      5. I can think of a hundred different ways to obtain fuel before resorting to throwing up, but I agree that it entirely a device that our kind would use. Did you follow him in to the men’s room?

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      6. Excellent recovery rebuttal, 2mpathetic, I am sweet and clever . I don’t do such rides, unless tricked into ridding them and they do make me sick. I fully advocate the concept of purging, as I utilize it myself , to emotionally purge my feelings. HG purges rage and frustration and jealousy, et cetera.
        My comment was more about the give and take dynamic, which I admit I should not have gone that route. Empaths being givers and Narcissist takers.

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      7. The N formerly in my life once told me:

        “My ex-wife used to throw up when we fought. She used this as part of a power games, she wanted to make me feel bad. Sometimes, my daughter does the same when she tries to coerce me into doing things she wants me to do for her.”

        I remember staring at him in utter disbelief. I knew exactly why his wife or daughter had to throw up… I almost threw up myself at one point…

        Oh God, I am so thankful that I threw him out of my life. I am still dealing with the aftermath, but it is so much easier today than six months or a year ago, and a thousands time better than during the time I was stuck in the viciousness of the toxic cycle!

        A good compass of my healing is how much I visit this blog here btw. The less I have the urge to come here and read ‘narc world’, the better and more ‘narcissismfree’ I feel. Obviously, I am having kind of a relapse today;-)

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      8. Thank you Alice. The MN made me physically ill with his verbal and physical abuse. The emotional abuse of CN was as disturbing.
        It is sickening behaviour, in all aspects.
        I am ok eased you have escaped and are healing and offer advice to others in the throes of abuse still.

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  3. As optimistic as you say you are initially when you, yourself are first smitten with them and hope they will and can be the one, is there no part of your core that really wants to be optimistic this time too and believe in the words you are saying?

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      1. That means no triangulating with a 2nd, 3rd or 4th person, H.G. Is your answer still “of course.” Lol

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  4. Been there indeed almost same exact words holding my hand hugging me tight, some where deep within as hard as I wanted to believe every word needed it to be true and as it broke me, I let go, I set me free. No, I cannot trust you, once trust is broken it’s next to impossible to retrieve, there is no more next time. I walked away reminding myself he cannot change, he wont, this I must accept, and I’ve accepted. Hope? Not for me with him, hope he can find his way, sure, but not holding my hand.

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  5. I don’t think he feared the loss of me and my fuel, as it was his constant. So he never employed that strategy to fix and isolate. He is not as clever and calculating as you HG. I do like to talk and to write, so that would work On me, to be afforded the oppurtunity to express my feelings. My desire to leave would be derailed by my need to express.
    Except me I wouldn’t want you to withhold your anger or seething, I would wish for it to be released, purged….as it is through that I feel a more honest admission. You remaining calm would disconcert me. I would know something was amiss. I would know you were raging inside and would try to coax it from you. Unburden it, show it and then truly see what we are dealing with, honestly.

    I do not need to have power or control. It isn’t my desire or my tools. Nor do I need you to change. I need one thing only, truth. If not given freely, as I admit that is not always a possibility, then given when requested.
    Your con works because I permit it. I don’t shut you down. Because I forgive you. You may not need my love or my forgiveness, I give it freely. Because of who I am. You take it because of who you are.

    It is respite only for us. Until you exact the revenge you feel we deserve,
    Either way we are gone from you, for a time. A time of your choosing.

    An aside: Is that toothpaste cinnamon…my favorite type.

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  6. We all get to a point where there is no trust, no love for the bullshit given any more. I planned my leaving, had family and friends show up one morning and I was gone before he knew what hit him. It was a wonderful feeling being free again, I haven’t looked back since.

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      1. Yes the day I left him I was done with him.It has ended other than his calls begging me to come back. He is terribly lonely and I say no I won’t. It called karma sweetie, it’s our time to be happy now.

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    1. Wonderful, well-done!!! Keep going! ☺

      Sometimes, we (victims) feel FURY too, when we finally get and say “Enough is Enough” and mean it.This is when we finally leave them and stick to it.

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  7. No offense the the wonderful women who are undoubtedly intelligent, aware now that HG has provided vital information with regard to their experiences with their narcissists. Emotions are high, you’re feeling the past and future. If you’re feeling it now, know that these are nothing but feelings that are triggering you from your childhood and nothing else. Haa! Don’t take it so seriously or you will be played with , learn that you will never ever control a narcissist. Kapish?

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  8. Oh my dear sweet narc. The way I looked at you then.. My heart.. My savior.. My soul mate. 16 years of your dysfunctional mental bullshit.. Now oh now you pathetic excuses of a human. Taking up precious air from others .My time if dis pair was over .. Your control now a joke . Educating was the key! And my single satisfaction from this all… You WILL TAKE YOYR DYING BREATH ALONE

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  9. What’s more repulsive? The hanging on or the vomit? On a rollercoaster, I’d be in the front row with my hands in the air. Do you like rollercoasters. HG? I remember he was so sick after a ride. He didn’t like the loss of control.

    He held his rage in check towards me. It was his testament that he would never hurt me (his words). No external bruise, no harm, no foul. Rignt.

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      1. It merely means the inbox has become clogged with comments including essays and it is taking time to read them all and with some consider my response.

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      2. I call it time out akin to the silent treatment…moderation is the new silent treatment.
        Deleting comments is much worse then awaiting moderation.
        In fairness. I do have many questions and write a lot.

        HG intended the repulsive comment otherwise don’t forget that is how N truly sees us behind the flowery words and declarations of affection…women as repulsive, pathetic, weak, stupid and tiresome if we did not provide what he needs to survive …fuel…them we would be purposeless. But , since we are what sustains him, that notion makes in turn makes us contemptible and repulsive as well, jaded1

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      3. Moderation is not the new silent treatment. If I was giving you a silent treatment you would be under no misapprehension as to what it is. Moderation is a necessary device – there are some oddities lurking within it.
        The repulsive comment was made because I found the original comment repulsive. It was as straight forward as that.

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      4. And deleting comments…can you speak to such?
        That was a joke HG, about moderation, I understand that some readers comments take longer to post.
        Thank you for clarification on comment as well. I figured that was why 2mpathetic replied In the extensive manner she did, as an appeasement for her comment.

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      5. I have to say, since discovering & following H.G. from day one last August, I have never seen him not respond to a question. If a comment says it’s in moderation, it is either because he is contemplating his answer and wants to be thoughtful. I certainly have thrown some tricky ones his way. Or, he has work commitments. He does have a full time job, real life relationships, his books he is writing, on-going therapy sessions, future radio shows (fingers crossed). I always try to keep my comments at most to a paragraph, maybe 2. Short, concise and to the point gets moved thru much quicker. But I completely understand emotion taking over the keyboard and words just flowing out too.

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      6. Thank you Clarece and well articulated. I apply a little pruning here and there once in a while too, sometimes certain things are better left unspoken or unknown.

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      7. I understand the dynamics of it all. Perhaps you are right MLA, stick to shorter replies and ask less questions. I am a writer and I have many thoughts and questions for HG and other readers and a thirst for awareness and knowledge abounding.
        HG is wonderful at answering everyone’s questions. I don’t think that is ever in dispute.
        I am working on patience…I am more worried when it is reply to another reader then one of my own questions.
        I am often a thorn in HGs side with all my wordiness.
        Thank you MLA.

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      8. He is so correct and polite to answer. 😃😃. Impressive. When I joined back in Sept this was what gave me the motivation to comment.

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      9. Yes, I do appreciate all replies. Have you been onthe blog since September. Wow you and MLA have been here almost a year now. I have only been on blog less then two months in total. Thank you both for advice,

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      10. Hi Jana.
        She was before me I think. I remember the first posting I read and I will look when I have better wifi connection. Its today testing my patience.

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    1. Both are equally repulsive.
      Do I like rollercoasters? I AM the rollercoaster 1Jaded. (But I do like the rides as well – the only one I do not like is the Waltzer, I prefer to stand and whirl the people around shouting “Scream if you want to go faster, scream if you don’t want to go faster, scream anyway because I love to hear you scream.)

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      1. Crazy and ouch in truangulibg as necessary taken from a person who’s been cheaten on from her boyfriend with the whole country

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      2. I like the spinning teacups (waltzerish?)…I begged the operator to make it spin as fast as it could and he did. I was laughing, not screaming. My ridemate didn’t fare as well. Btw, it wasn’t N.

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  10. There was a comment on the Facebook thread to this about a narc who did not allow a woman who he dated to meet his friends and family, you responded that yours were part of your luitenets etc and would not keep them away from your primary. Have you touched on this subject, I am curious as I have seen both family and friends be a fan club of the narc and loyal, as well as give clues away to the narcs dysfunction and or say something about his womanizing or something about his character that would be a red flag. I know as you write a lot about there is an isolation period during seduction, I also think it depends on the target who she is and how best it will play out for her in the narcs eyes. I am very interested in the different reasons and lengths a narc might keep a primary from his friends and famiky, to me it would serve the narc to have enough time to condition the primary to overlook the flags or not believe them until he introduces her to family or old friends, it was the friends he kept me from till we were married them when they came around they would say things like how the hell did he get you to marry him, or your with this idiot? I quickly learned they never thought anyone would be stupid enough or even want to marry him, even though it was all said in good fun…it said a lot looking back on it.

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    1. Thanks CC, I have made a note to write about the dynamic where the N strives to keep the primary source away from family and friends. It is usually the case that the family and friends form the coterie, the lieutenants and the façade (any dissenters having been isolated and dismissed previously) and therefore the N will enmesh the new primary source with this willing backdrop of admiration to further the allure of the N during seduction. I will however write something where the opposite can happen and why.

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  11. Great article. I am experiencing the devaluation as we speak. He will come on charming. Than if I do agree to stay I will be ghosted, best thing to do is just leave. No contact

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  12. It amazes me that HG is so in touch with who he is and describes so well how FUEL effects him as well as the different grades of fuel and what triggers them. Excellent read for the healing from one who escaped the Crazy Train!

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  13. Been there done that! Making myself accountable to you guys and a few people who care about me will help keep me strong! His abuse has been so HORRIBLE that when I feel the magnetic pull I just have to read some more of these to keep me from going back to LA-La Narc Land! NO MORE! Thank you for telling the truth about the thoughts in your twisted mind going on during “the Hoover schmooze”! ! THAT is the REAL GOLD!! 😀

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    1. Hi Heather.. YOU CAN DO IT !! 🙂 . It’s far from easy, in fact for me one of the single most difficult things I’ve ever done BUT it can be done .

      As long as he sees a chance, the tiniest chance of pulling you back in he’ll take it . Read again HG’s last paragraph & every time you think you may faulter remember these words ….

      “you may as well enjoy it because it is not going to last for long is it ”

      Trust me when I say it TRULY doesn’t . I waited over fourteen years for him to ” change”, it didn’t happen Stay STRONG ..

      So Sad xx

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      1. Thank you HG.

        You’ve taught me well O wise one 🙂

        I’ve got some news for you today . . Yesterday I spoke to the police commissioner for my area about my experience of dealing with the police & other services after going NC .

        I told her how much you & your blog have helped me understand what happened to me , told her about the way you write without sugar coating, that you will always answer any questions in a matter of fact jargon free way & how I feel it could potentially help other men & women in a similar position . Well guess what, she’s going to look at it .

        Do I need to hide lol ?

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      2. That’s interesting So Sad, thank you for spreading the word, I appreciate that. There is clearly a place (in conjunction with other agencies) for my information playing a part in dealing with our kind. Indeed, I suspect that if many of the people who are tasked with dealing with the fall out from our actions understood more about what we are, what we do and could direct people to the appropriate resource, more progress would be made. Many people do not realise that they are dealing with an abusive person nor what that person really is. A huge dose of clarity will do wonders, so thank you for mentioning it.
        Hang on, who is that kicking in my front door, So Sad, how could you?!

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      3. As long as the message gets out that you & your blog are unique then who cares about a silly old door .. hey 🙂

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      4. Thank you So Sad! With every day of No Contact I truly feel like I have been under a spell and am coming out! ! A hypnotic trance perhaps? So many false realities! So many lies! So many different ever changing personalities, characters, moods, directions and broken promises!! Future faking SUCKS!!! Confusion as thick as a dense fog in a dark forest! BELIEVING LIES IS A BIG DEAL! kNOWING THE TRUTH AND BUYING A LIE FOR A TRIP BACK TO NARCLAND FOR A RIDE on the rollercoasters and the merry go round and the fun house and the tunnel of love and the haunted forest with my eyes THIS OPEN actually would make me EQUAL to the SAME as THEM for the SAME REASONS IF I WENT BACK TO HIS HOUSE OF MIRRORS NOW LOOKING FOR MY REFLECTION IN HIS WORLD! Looking for fullfillment to fill the void they left in me would just darken it deeper til it swallowed me whole! I WAS AWARE of the Insanity, but it has been really difficult to escape this one because of how isolated I am out here, and how dependent he made me on him. My cognitive dissonance made me the “double-minded person who is unstable in all their ways that can’t receive from God “cuz they give their blessings away to the enemy! Like a bag full of holes.. My Narc boyfriend made me dependent on Him by WORKING PHYSICALLY A GRANDIOSE DISPAY of moving me out here like a HERO after a full year of ” distance” dating for a year of “magical weekends”. ..AND by TAKING CHARGE on HIS OWN volition!!! He did ALOT of work here with me as helper! Of course that never could have lasted! He wouldn’t LET ME PAY for stuff at first.. I gave back to him with ALL I HAD!! He RAGES when I take care of things myself! And destroys the work I do.. Then says I never did anything to help! Gas lighting is NOT my favorite game! He chases away every one who has tried to reach out.to me or Talk to me. Share with me. Or help me. HATES ANYONE who takes the slightest interest in me! (Just like the other TWO!) I can do no right! My neighbors don’t bother to even wave at me now. Except the nice people next door who cut my grass while the Narc keeps my lawnmower 1 step away from repair! Then disappearing altogether! AGAIN.. ( It’s in the shop now) Damned if I do, damned if I don’t! He is pretty scary.. Only 10 mins away.. He sent a random question via text last night. I sent back a website that anyone with thumbs could have Googled.. He still has to come here and take some heavy stuff out of my basement . I shake violently at the sound of his motor now. It’s been over 3 months since I graced his doorstep. June 23 was the last time I did anything with him outside. He was rude and biting in front of my kid over me being playful at the strawberry patch and that was it. I didn’t remember for 3 days that THAT day was our 5th anniversary of dating! THAT IS A 1ST! But let’s not get me started on the subject of HOLIDAYS!! I ran away a lot! Countless times, I started walking out on him. Missed many fun events because of this “game”.. He abandoned me while I was REALLY SICK and was taking care of myself and MY household ONLY and in NEED of HIS HELP.. He deemed me Un-repairable and scrapped me after a violent assault on my character. The sound of his text tone used to light me up! Now, the sounds give me panic attacks! Although it’s been a week long silent treatment at s time with 1 text coming in randomly here and there. That’s why I am sick! Too many panic attacks! Poison chemicals swirling.. I was married to my 2nd Husband Narc for 20 years. He made me sick! His truck pulling in did the same thing! He was a monster! I walked out of there to stop that noise at THAT DUNGEON so my kids could have peace and quiet! Sometimes we all did! I’d sit on the corner in my car in all kinds of weather and texted.. It was ME he abused, and they had to live with it. Witness it! Absorb it! Physical Boundaries have been my ONLY choice! I even devided that house into 2 sections like Lucy and Ricky with seperate areas so the kids could come into our separate spaces!! I hated when he invaded mine! It’s crazy! So many of them my whole life!!! I had to get my beautiful daughter out of there.! My son grew up watching and witnessing that freak show! I was SOOO SICK!! I am so thankful for who HE is today! (21) Well adjusted and level-headed. College boy. Smart, compassionate, funny! We are close, but he stayed near his friends and his job. Thank God in Heaven! Both my kids have been blessed with the shelter to grow, develop, and learn in Mostly good Christian private schools where they were/are loved and treated with respect and values. Some had issues. More than others. Their Dad is a Jekyl and Hyde shape shifter and my son can see it. My daughter is treated like a princess off and on and off and on and off and on by him on weekends with constant vacation adventures, like money is no object (and it is) with the alcohol flowing. around her.. Then she comes back to me sick, with lesser energy, lesser money, lesser. . It’s such a shame! I’m perpetually trying to recover from something devastating! Something horrific! My boundaries one by one on each violation as I am developing them have backed me out of countless terrible situations until I am backed out the door! When someone abandons me now, I disappear!! I am also so sad, So Sad! : I am the only one that my daughter is rude and defiant to.. It breaks my heart to see her act so disappointed and disgusted at times by me! I got her out by 6 years old! (She held my face in her hands back then and looked into my eyes with her big blue eyes and curly blond hair one day and told me, “You need to get away from Dad”!!! She is 12 now. Of course she barely remembers our family together now. Or any of that nightmare! I was able to buy a whole house (mortgage) with my credit intact while I’m disabled and haven’t worked in 22 years! I never collected a dime til I got out here alone. The list of disabling ailments granted me a small check every month to keep us out of the pantries.. Every escape has been due to following boundaries! It was Gods Word and principals. Boundaries ROCK the FREE WORLD!! That stupid Narc Ex Husband has lost 5 houses because back then they were handing out 5 mortgages to average working stupid Narcs I guess! He didn’t listen to me and did what he wanted! Lost them all including our home! Filed bankruptcy, got his first DUI, while hooked up with a new healthy vibrant Supply with a huge family a great job and lots of perks. Plain Jane.. Their rental is twice the cost as my house payment for “appearances”.. (He is paying my bills til our daughter is 17) (of course I got him that job!!) AND his citizenship AND his credit! I have 4 1/2 years ticking here.. His new Supply felt the emptiness/void of his nothingness while she layed sick on the couch for months. She left him and took her 1/2 of the bill money with her..Moved 3 States away! Now he is over his head again and actually yelled at ME about it! I don’t want him to know my Narc boyfriend is gone or he will start screwing with me more! I was happy she escaped! Poor dear just came back due to “loneliness”.. I think she’s a Narc too.. Princess for sure! Mean to waiters…. My kids are STILL having to navigate through a world that feels like the bottom could fall out, and contrast what Gods Word says and what their sick Mom tells them or the healthy adults and loving families with a Mom and a Dad that are involved like REAL families!! They have had to look up and marvel at the sabotage of our stability, and EVERYTHING that they KNOW to be GOOD is TORE up! AND EVERYTHING they KNOW to be HORRIBLY WRONG is MODELED and FLAUNTED as RIGHT!!! BECAUSE HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS!! How many times does a stupid Narc have to be brought down to the pipers office to pay his dues before he learns? I have had 2 REALLY STUPID CONSEQUENCE PAYING NARCS that I tried to RESCUE and SAVE! I am DONE doing THAT! I cannot go to the Devil to fill the emptiness He left me when He stole my love! I can’t go to an Earth quake and ask it to give me stability! Right?! THESE are the things we MUST REMEMBER!! So when he comes back like a “humble lowly Tigger” with his B.S. and shrunken frame.. I can know that he is just low on fuel.. I am not a fuel pump. Or a battery , or a battery charger! I am not a toy, or an object to be played with or used. I am not an instrument of gratification or a stepford wife! I am not a robot! I am not an emotional punching bag, or a mental/spiritual whipping girl. Not a scape goat for someone else’s sins! I am not a slave, or a maid. Or a bank. For me to “rescue” any of these people in these ways NOW?? IS to HATE THEM AND MYSELF! RESCUING others from their consequences is ENABLING the DESTRUCTION to CONTINUE! I am NOT going to HATE ANY OF THEM by FEEDING THAT BEAST EVER AGAIN!! Gonna bring MY HEART for justice, and fairness, and equal opportunity under HEAVENS WATCH HERE!! I am NOT the GATE KEEPER to HEAVEN FOR ANY NARC!! I KNOW MY NARCS DO NOT HAVE THE KEYS TO HELP ME GET THERE! AND WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HELL IS LIKE! I CANT KEEP RUNNING INTO THE FLAMES! Jesus didn’t die a bloody death so I could perpetuate my own abuse and self destruction! Too exhausted to argue with Him about THAT any more! I AM TIRED of PAYING the PIED PIPER!! Can’t afford the prices!! I don’t want to blind my own eyes for a momentary high off a brainwashing Narc! No more Stolkholming! Thank you guys for blasting me out of delusion! Keep smacking us with the Truth to keep us awake HG!! 😎 Throw ALL the buckets of icy cold water on us to snap us out of our comas! Thank you guys for seeing I’m ALIVE!! 😀

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  14. What is wrong with me? I have 3 children, I’ll never get away, I keep telling myself better to try and go along to get along, and loose myself…all over. I was so close, almost 3 months of no verbal contact, then due to unforeseen circumstances coming up regarding my child with special needs, I was forced to resume verbal conversations and meetings to prepare critical documents for our child. And with that, I lost my “power”, self esteem self worth. I Have found myself right back on the rat wheel. Only worse this time. Ever heard of having a head full of AA and getting drunk? Omg, it’s the worst. This is having a head full of the NARC TRUTH and going back to dance with the fing NARC. I can’t scrub the voices of truth (all of your posts) out of my head, yet, I can’t find the strength to try again. And then there is that “feeling” that even if I “got away” one more time, having children with this chameleon mind fucking narc man, I am forever chained to the abuse…. So, what’s the point? Is that an excuse or actually my reality? How the HELL would I know what my true REALITY, truly IS? Confused beyond comprehension??? Knowing we are going to have to raise our child with special needs together for the rest of our lives, maybe, I should just accept this as my past, present and future.. Truth. I need all the strength I can reserve for the battles of Autism and all that it implies, but to add to it the fear of a lifetime dealing with a narcisist too… I feel very unequipted, to say the very least.

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    1. Hello Sydney, it often takes many repeat attempts to succeed with NC and remove us from your lives. You should focus on the fact that you achieved 3 months successfully so you know you have the resources to do it. Children do amount as a chain to our kind but how tight that chain is and what its effect on you remains in your hands. Rather than focus on the fact that the rest of your life will result in involvement with him (and you don’t know that since you don’t know what might be around the corner) because such a mammoth consideration is overwhelming, you need to focus on today, then the day after, then the day after that. By breaking the NC down into a part of the day, then a day, it becomes more achievable and then you will notice that 6 months has passed and you have done it. If you have to have interaction with him because of the children then you can still gain freedom by removing fuel and countering the manipulations. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. I recommend you read Fuel, Manipulated and Escape to begin with as this will provide you with information, understanding and techniques which you can apply. Keep reading – the more you understand the less onerous the task seems.

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  15. That makes sense about the comments box. You are 122k away from 1 million views. I’m so not easy to understand and could see if my comments were too icky to respond. Just saying.

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      1. Appreciated. Have you used the condescending phrase, “but dear, I would never hurt you” as a weapon?…Towards the end I woukd affirm and respond that he could never hurt me. I could almost see his blood pressure going up. He never laid a hand on.

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      2. I will keep that in mind and not provoke. I hope I never encounter another of your kind as a boyfriend. It wouldn’t bode well for either of us. Thanks for answering my questions.

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  16. If I am the one millionth viewer what do I get HG? Will my phone explode? Will there be confetti? You’ll mail me the signed book free because you secretly like me? All questions are non rhetorical. *begging eyes*

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    1. You will receive a recital of a piece of literature of your choice and the satisfaction of having achieved the cossetting touch of Lucifer. Your phone will only explode when you provide me with your number. Confetti? It would take someone special to tempt me down the aisle again, but it just might be you. Of course I like you, just don’t tell anybody yet.

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      1. Look out then beotches….I’m watching that number like a hawk. I got to work in Chicago next couple weeks, Coldplay & Lollapalooza but rest assured I will be checking the number between sets. Btw HG, how many times have I hit that? 😻

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  17. Roller coasters and vomit, huh? Lol never know what we’ll be likening the abuse to around here 🙂 Thanks hg for painting pictures with your words

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      1. Moohooohaha…I’m taking over the asylum! Tie me down HG, I’m running amok. *HG spits poison dart* Suddenly I’m Ace Ventura, starting to get numb.

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  18. Let the insecurity begin. HG why’d u have to go and add “for now?” Don’t u know I’m fragile? Don’t you care about me? I thought I was on the pedestal and u just had to kick me down. I will cry myself to sleep on the plane. I coulda been a princess you’d be the king, coulda had a castle and worn a ring, but noooo u let me goooo. Now when I watch Chris sing that I will have u in my head. U put love mines in my brain. I’ll stroll along and kaboom! HG u evil genius.

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      1. I got some swamp land in Florida I could sell you. Its right by stingray city. U could play Steve Irwin in the ocean while I sit on the beach. K? Commencing Airplane mode per Captain. Better tell him to look for 💙💣💣💣 they are everywhere!

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  19. interesting you bring up the topic of throwing up and xanax.
    my Narc was(is?) addicted. Anyway, so after the discard and what not (was my narc’s first real serious discard, i wonder if she was confused by it herself… but she knew it would happen because she wrote a letter years ago telling me it would.. i just didn’t understand …)

    she claims she has this sickness or whatever, at first she was just throwing the suicide card to get attention/money from her parents. Well, i guess after so many times people must have realized she wasn’t going to do it and was doing it for the “fuel”. Her money was finally about ready to run out and she contacted me. she was normal… as normal as i’ve heard her in months.

    . When she hoovered/got me she admitted she may have this “narcissism” I am talking about and said she’d go to therapy for it but is scared to go w/o me. Anyway, bitch isn’t scared she got me good lol. The doctors got her on depression/anxiety type meds. I think she may actually have seratonin syndrome from it (she told me shes hallucinating) but she seems to really love the attention and money and everyone putting up with her bs. shes forcing herself to vomit. I think shes taking like 20 alieve PMs She got blood drawn a billion times… how many times can they “lose”.. results lol. Now shes telling everyone her white blood count is low. As soon as her family started giving her more money she turned the switch back to narc. I mean shes 28 with no job, no education… nothing except 20 pairs of converse sneakers and 20 pairs of true religion jeans. Anyway, 2.5wks no contact after i almost hit 30 days. I don’t care if shes calling in the hospital, i will tell her i wish her the best but I cannot help her. She wants her herd, sorry they run when its inconvenient.

    It’s so pathetic, and shes still so evil. how can you be both at once? It’s like I am disgusted by how pathetic she is and speechless that she has the balls to even pretend I am not way out of her league. Her attempts at devaluing me by seeing trash only makes it easier for me to never go back. Not after what i’ve seen her with lol. she can go vomit where vomit belongs -trash.

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  20. interesting you bring up the topic of throwing up and xanax.
    my Narc was(is?) addicted. Anyway, so after the discard and what not (was my narc’s first real serious discard, i wonder if she was confused by it herself… but she knew it would happen because she wrote a letter years ago telling me it would.. i just didn’t understand …)

    she claims she has this sickness or whatever, at first she was just throwing the suicide card to get attention/money from her parents. Well, i guess after so many times people must have realized she wasn’t going to do it and was doing it for the “fuel”. Her money was finally about ready to run out and she contacted me. she was normal… as normal as i’ve heard her in months.

    . When she hoovered/got me she admitted she may have this “narcissism” I am talking about and said she’d go to therapy for it but is scared to go w/o me. Anyway, bitch isn’t scared she got me good lol. The doctors got her on depression/anxiety type meds. I think she may actually have seratonin syndrome from it (she told me shes hallucinating) but she seems to really love the attention and money and everyone putting up with her bs. shes forcing herself to vomit. I think shes taking like 20 alieve PMs She got blood drawn a billion times… how many times can they “lose”.. results lol. Now shes telling everyone her white blood count is low. As soon as her family started giving her more money she turned the switch back to narc. I mean shes 28 with no job, no education… nothing except 20 pairs of converse sneakers and 20 pairs of true religion jeans. Anyway, 2.5wks no contact after i almost hit 30 days. I don’t care if shes calling in the hospital, i will tell her i wish her the best but I cannot help her. She wants her herd, sorry they run when its inconvenient.

    It’s so pathetic, and shes still so evil. how can you be both at once? It’s like I am disgusted by how pathetic she is and speechless that she has the balls to even pretend I am not way out of her league. Her attempts at devaluing me by seeing trash only makes it easier for me to never go back. Not after what i’ve seen her with lol. she can go vomit where vomit belongs -trash.

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  21. I just now started reading these comments. I need popcorn and it’s cheaper than the movies. The flirting and prancing around in here is priceless they all love their Narcs ….still and love you the most HG I will be a sponge and watch this madness and lessons so freely given. Thank you.

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