The Lesser

Image result for picture of a man slapping woman


Here comes a Lesser Narcissist. We shall call him Lee.

“What did you call me?”

Hello Lee. A Lesser Narcissist.

“No I’m not, it’s you that’s the narcissist, I’m sick of you saying that there is something wrong with me, when it’s you that has the problem. You do it on purpose, always trying to wind me up, I’ve fucking had enough of it.”

Sigh. That’s another plate broken and a panel punched in the door. Again. He’s gone, but he will be back. You see, that’s a typical reaction of the Lesser. He doesn’t know what he is. Often he will not even know what a narcissist is, but if you try to tell him, even if you do it in a calm and pleasant way, he doesn’t hear what you are saying, he just hears the criticism. When that happens his fury ignites and usually he will lash out. That’s why he insulted me, tried to shift the blame on to me, smashed the plate and punched the door. He didn’t think about doing any of that. It just happened. He reacts and responds by instinct. He is a creature of instinct. I didn’t hear the front door slam so he must be in the house still. Let’s go and find him.

Here he is. Locked in his den. His bolthole and sanctuary from the criticism. He is tapping away on his ‘phone. Let’s see. Yes, he is texting a couple of ladies who he has been flirting with online. You see, he didn’t hang around to see my reaction to the ignition of his fury, but he knows it will have troubled me. Sometimes knowing that reaction will be enough but not today. His fuel supplies must be low. That’s why he is tapping into some secondary sources by texting or probably sexting these women. Let’s see if we can coax him out of his bolthole. I will knock at the door.

You see he has turned his head and smiled, but hasn’t answered my knocking. He is pleased that I have come to try to find out if he is alright. That makes him feel powerful. My reaction, of tip-toing to him and gently rapping on the door reinforces that he is the one who is superior in our relationship. Again, he doesn’t think this through, so do be grateful for your humble narrator explaining this for you, but that is what is happening inside of Lee. I knock again and call out his name. He remains silent. Lee knows that silent treatment makes him feel powerful. Add that sensation to the flirtatious messages I can see that he is receiving and he is receiving fuel from three sources. Me and two supplementary sources. They are probably acquaintances now since mobile numbers have been exchanged. The fury that Lee experienced at my perceived criticism will now be subsiding as the fuel is provided. This makes him feel calmer. Lee knows that certain things make him furious and then other things makes him calmer. Let’s ask him if he knows why.

“Hey Lee, don’t hide in there, why did you get angry like that? All I did was say that you are a lesser narcissist.”

Notice that I haven’t said this in a pleading way, or through tears, or even shouted it at him. I have made this point and asked the question in a neutral fashion. Watch what he does now. See how fast the irritation has arrived. This is because I am not giving him any fuel with my comment. I have also interrupted the flow of the fuel from the two women by distracting him. To make matters worse I have repeated the comment and he will perceive this as a criticism. Again, he won’t have worked any of this out, he is a Lesser so it doesn’t happen. Whereas I have explained the process. This is what actually happens in Lee’s mind.

  1. He hears my comment;
  2. He feels wounded by that comment. This manifests as irritation;
  3. His fury ignites.

It is as quick and as straight forward as that. Here comes the fury.

Lee marches from his desk and flings the den door open.

“How many fucking times have I told you not to disturb me when I am in my den? You never listen to me!”

Notice the contorted features as the fury takes over.

“I only asked a reasonable question.”

I say this in a neutral tone again. No fuel is being provided. This annoys him further because this is a criticism and it wounds him.

“Are you saying I am unreasonable?” he demands jutting his jaw forward in an aggressive manner.

Of course dear reader I said no such thing did I, but Lee doesn’t process it that way. My neutral remark is taken again as a criticism, hence his response.

“I’m just pointing out what you are and besides, you are always in there, messing around doing who knows what, you should be working.”

Lee rarely works. He doesn’t see any reason to. He believes I should keep him after all, in his mind he is the superior one and therefore I should run around after him. He only does chores when he knows he can get some fuel, for instance, chopping logs in the yard so people can admire his physical prowess, otherwise he won’t bother. Again Lee doesn’t think about chopping the logs in terms of receiving admiring looks from our neighbour Josie, he just knows when he does it, she smiles and talks to him and he feels good inside. But I digress. Back to the foaming Lee who is stood in the doorway of the den. He won’t let me in there. It is his domain. What is his is his and nobody else’s.

“What are you saying that for?” he growls. His fury is increasing at the criticism that he should be working. Here it comes. The right hand swipes and he slaps me across my face. You see he cannot control the fury and with Lee it manifests as heated fury as he lashes out.

I let out a cry and raise my palm to my face, eyes showing the pain arising from his physical abuse of me. Look at that small smile on his lips. That is because my fearful reaction has given him negative fuel. He wanted that. He doesn’t know that he wanted that but he knows that seeing me scared, upset, angry or frustrated, amongst other things makes him feel stronger and more powerful.

“You should be working,” I repeat but the neutral tone is gone now and it comes out part comment, part sob as the tears well up. His hand is raised to deliver another blow but he doesn’t because my tears are fuelling him. Although I have criticised him by stating he should be working, it will not feel like criticism to Lee because it is surrounded in emotion. That is what he wants. He doesn’t know that, but that is what he wants.

His fury is still there but it has receded within his parameters of control, low as they are. If I had kept on he would have erupted further and probably punched and kicked me down the hall. It has happened before. And will again. As a Lesser his control threshold is low and regularly his fury boils over into verbal and physical violence. Notice how he is standing there grinning. The provision of my fuel is making him feel powerful and that is why he looks happy. It is not true happiness. Lee doesn’t know what that is, but he knows that feeling powerful makes him feel good and that is why he is smiling. I am going to back off now.

I walk away and Lee content with the fuel he has extracted from me (although he does not know this) turns and goes back into the den. He will text the two ladies for a while longer, gathering more fuel and then with the fury receded and his fuel levels higher, he will feel more settled so he will watch one of his action films or play on his Xbox for a while. He won’t be thinking about me. He doesn’t have the function to do so for long when I am not in front of him. Lee as a Lesser is very much about dealing with what is on his plate. Yes, I will invade his consciousness from time to time but he is not given to planning. It is all spur of the moment, reaction, responses, instinct, seat of the pants. That is why he is seen as such a whirlwind, bouncing from one ignition of fury to the next. He has no overarching strategy, no grand design, but he is an aggressive hunter gatherer who knows that I, his longstanding and long suffering partner infuriates him but he keeps me around because, well, I do the chores and lie there and think of England when he is grinding away on top of me. Writing of which, let’s fast forward to bed time. I have retired first and here comes Lee padding up the stairs, a belly full of Scotch (he likes a few drinks when he is watching his films).

“Hey,” he says as he enters the darkened bedroom. He doesn’t lower his voice or gently shake me. Why would be bother when he is entitled to do as he pleases. Again, Lee doesn’t think that way, he just does it, he just acts in that manner of the entitled Lesser.

“What is it?” I ask blearily.

“Move over, I’m getting in.”

That’s his way of saying he wants sex. If he wanted to sleep he would just climb into bed. Notice how there is no apology for hitting me, no expression of concern or remorse for the earlier altercation. That’s because he has forgotten about it. Imagine Lee’s mind like a small external hard driver. It only has so much memory and automatically jettisons so much information. If in a few days’ time I refer to him slapping me he will give me a confused look and say,

“What are you talking about?”

That’s because he cannot recall it. It has been wiped from his mind. It is an instinctive reponse and demonstrates why with the Lesser he denies so much of what he is accused of and does it with sincerity because he really does not remember. There is no pretence, not like those from other schools. He does not remember, but that is a few days away. Let’s return to now.

“I said, move up, I am getting in.”

Still no apology. He continues as if nothing happened earlier. This is because he sees no wrong in what he has done. He responded. It was instinct to him and therefore for him, instinct is natural and correct. If I challenged him about his behaviour from before, now, it would be a criticism. His fury would be ignited and with the additional accelerant of the alcohol I would be dragged from the bed, beaten and forced to sleep downstairs. He may even throw me in my night clothes on to the street. All an instinctive reaction to the criticism and his lack of control over his ignited fury. I won’t challenge him though. I have learned not to, it is safer you see. It took me a long time to realise that this was the best course of action. I used to stand up to him you see. I thought that it would make him respect me if I did but it won’t. The Lesser regards any denial of their authority as criticism and, you’ve guessed it, the fury ignites.

Time to put on a performance then. If I refuse his advances he will kick off. If I don’t put in feigned enthusiasm, he will kick off. As a Lesser he is not very good at distinguishing between real and faked emotions at times. He is better with some than others. For instance, he knows real fear and upset compared to any that is faked. This is because he has the most experience of seeing people scared, upset and frightened so he instinctively knows when it is real and when it is not. When it comes to matters between the sheets although Lee believes himself to be the champion of sexual technique (he has certainly had plenty of partners as he regularly likes to boast about them to me) he could be rutting a slab of steak for all the variance and finesse he deploys. He wasn’t always like that. He did make an effort during our golden period, but that is long gone. Now he just wants to exert his dominance over me and be made to feel powerful so you will have to excuse me as I make the relevant noises, say the stock phrases and pull my porn faces. That will please Lee the Lesser and provide him with a final burst of delicious positive fuel before he slumps besides me and falls into an undisturbed sleep. He always sleeps well does Lee. His lesser function means that there is not a lot racing around in his mind as slumber approaches. So, there’s a glimpse of how a – I’d better whisper this so he doesn’t hear – Lesser Narcissist is. Now, turn around please, you shouldn’t be watching what comes next.

139 thoughts on “The Lesser

  1. Sophie says:

    For 3 years I’ve thought I was dealing with an undiagnosed male with Borderline Personality Disorder. I work in the social work field and consider myself an educated woman. He has chipped away at my self esteem, but I have 2 months no contact now I’ve always struggled with codependent tendencies and for some reason cannot get over this man. He always makes me feel sorry for him. The triangulation and projection makes me think mid-range. He would often tell me he could have taught my classes on psychology at a master’s level yet has no education past high school. He has been to prison and thinks he knows everything about life and the way people are. He always tried to “help” me parent my teenagers but at the same time I didn’t trust him with them as there were always sexual inuindoes. After 3 months together he broke my nose, but he was drunk and I think possibly on drugs. He thinks he is IT because he has a big house and flashy cars and he is so attractive. He’s a big drug dealer. It’s almost like he’s a lesser in greater clothing. What is your opinion HG?

  2. Sui says:

    Dear Hg,
    My narc ex is a lesser for sure, I had him put in jail. I have 3 orders of protection against him. He recently married my best friend. He hasn’t made any moves to Hoover after the first few days. Is this the final discard?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is no such thing as the final discard. Please read the article The Final Discard to understand why that is.

  3. Brian says:

    H.G, have you ever felt like a monster with a little child inside? the narc in my life, use to show pics in his whattsap profile that shows that kind: monsters with child, like if he would be awareness but he is very agressive, he can not control it…he makes many mistakes in front of
    people and has very, very few social skills but a lot of narcissistic traits…is this possible in a medium narc? a lesser?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I do not feel like that.

  4. Brian says:

    H.G, have you ever felt like a monster with a little child inside? the narc in my life, use to show pics in his whattsap profile that shows that kind: monsters with child, like if he would be awareness but he is very agressive, he can not control it…he makes many mistakes in front of people and has very, very few social skills but a lot of narcissistic traits…is this possible in a medium narc? a lesser?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I haven’t.

  5. Shangrila says:

    Thank you HG. Do you think all Lessers are aggressive?

    Ex Narc would seem to genuinely forget important things that would bother him or uninterest him. He’d say his bucket was full (as you suggested). He was very calm most of the time though. He seemed to lack emotional intelligence or understand very basic human feelings. I thought he was aspergers at the beginning.

    I met him when I was extremely vulnerable in hospital, recovering from a Sociopath relationship and going through an important operation alone and with my dad being diagnosed metastasis. He sat there patiently and he discarded his ex gf (that he had been triangulating for 8 months) almost asa he met me.

    I would not describe him as the smartest man, rather dull. He’d pretend to be extrovert and social but he told me I knew the real him that he was pretending with the others. I was often ignored bc he forgot me when there were other sources around (not just girls but literally anyone). He said he heard voices inside and was fighting them… I even had 2 names for his Jekill/Hyde moments, he said I needed to love them both, does that make him a Mid Range?

    A therapist told him he had Narc traits and he read a lot about it and he used that a lot as a excuse w his ex gf (I am narc I can’t help it). He’d often excuse himself w me saying “I have no empathy, I can’t help it”. However once discarded and triangulated for months w 2 other sources, he started therapy saying he’d become a man I could be proud of. Ironically when he left me he was in tears saying “I thought I was healed! I am repeating the same mistakes than w my ex gf! Why am I hurting so many people at once?” He seemed genuinely broken + disappointed w himself as if he could not help it. He also said when he broke up w me that he was doing it for me, that it was the best for me. Does hating himself makes him a Lesser?

    Once it was clear I was stepping out and asked him to go No Contact he’d deny and almost felt annoyed whenever I mentioned his disorder. So it was ok for him to use it as a excuse but he could not face me using it for compassion. I think he fears me telling the others about his NPD, he recently asked ME to go No Contact.

    He’s now dating a histrionic. A rather explosive combination of 2 Cluster Bs. I honestly wonder who’s the victim in that relationship…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Shangrila, thankyou for sharing your experience. The Lesser of all the schools, has a greater propensity towards aggression owing to the lower control threshold that they have. that is not to state that all Lessers are aggressive, they may lose control and walk away from a situation rather than explode, feeling the need to withdraw in order to address their wounding (see Fury) although of course they are not aware that this is the process that they are going through. Overt aggression is evident in Lessers and Greaters, with the former it appears more in the form of physical and sexual violence, with the latter it manifests more in the application of emotional and financial abuse alongside the issuing of threats and intimidation. The mid range are more passive aggressive. Based on what you have described I suspect he was most likely a Central Mid-Range owing to the degree of awareness, the element of calculation in relaying what he said was going on in his head and the lack of aggressive behaviour. he is no higher as he lacks the charm and magnetism that would be evident with a Higher MR.

  6. The convalescent codependent says:

    An incident has come up with who I believe is a lesser, and he has become violent the 2nd time in about 8 months, this time of course a bit more intense than the last and he has been arrested. His partner was attempting to control the situation and him and as you know he is entitled to anything anyone anytime. During the altercation before it escalated he started to say how he was afraid of his partner that they tried to hurt them, the partner was of course baffled, he even went to say how the partner had threatened him in the past and said they wanted to kill him. Needless to say he was arrested because he lost his control. What is the Lesser’s next move, I find him most dangerous as he is lesser and lacks the creativity and self control, however it seems he is already plotting to twist so he is the victim – he has done a great smear campaign on this partner in the past. I am worried about the partner, I see this type being the type to kill and I can imagine the fact the cops got called he will be out with fury rage and ready to punish.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Lesser does not plan extensively ahead but rather twists and turns to deal with the situation as it unravels. I anticipate two immediate steps.
      1. He will explain to the police how he is being abused, that he was defending himself etc in order to create doubt;
      2. He will look to inveigle his way back in with his partner by suggesting he will not press charges against her if she resumes the relationship/drops charges or he will apologise and blame his behaviour on something else – being tired, stressed, under appreciated, over strict toilet training, you name it.
      Once he has get her defences down he will carry on as normal until he loses control again. I do not see him necessarily returning in order to punish but rather to continue the relationship to obtain fuel, but another eruption is just down the line.

      1. The convalescent codependent says:

        Yes what you state here makes sense to his style, thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  7. nikitalondon says:

    Rohypnol… Hard core chemicals

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Are they?I thought it was the name of a band.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        I dont know if its a band but rochy is a tramquilezer that is used with alcohol in non therapeutic ways.. Was very common back in the beg of 2000 or even before.
        It was a blockbuster of a competitor 😡

    2. Miss_stress says:

      Flunitrazepam……here. Did MJ in 😞

      1. nikitalondon says:

        If I am not wrong barbituricals family but I already forgot. What is MJ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Michael Jackson.

        2. Miss_stress says:

          MIchael Jackson… of the many drugs in conjunction.

          1. nikitalondon says:

            I did not know this. I remember propofol or something like that. I saw how they produced it in Berlin.. Anesthesics for surgery used for sleeping..
            If the people would just know what they do to their bodies using pharmaceuticals in non therapeuticals ways or for something its not approved for…
            This is why his doctor went to prisom or almost did..

          2. Miss_stress says:

            Sorry, I mixed up drugs, it was propofol, Nikita, mind you he may have used the other for differnt reasons.

  8. Miss_stress says:

    HG! I am rather fancy the Morning Star reference best. Then Great Visionary.

    1. Miss_stress says:

      We both are MS 😊

  9. HG what have you done to me ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What do you think I have done to you?

  10. I love a Lee. Especially a Lee with lots of money. They’re my favourite !!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I don’t believe you. You like the higher function, you would get bored after a while seeing him throwing his dummy out of the pram. You need a Malcolm or more likely a G.

      1. Hahaa oh wow !! You know me too well already HG. Lees are a quick and easy win. But they need to be rich.

        Malcolm’s are a breeze too.

        So the greater. I’m winning at the moment, but Im not sure how many of those I could have on the go just yet. They’re bloody hard work!! But oh so rewarding !!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’ve just had a message at Narc HQ.
          “Almighty and Most Illustrious HG, Life President, Prince Among Men, King of Kings, Morning Star, Supreme Leader, Great Visionary, Optimum Manipulator, Oracle, Greater Elite, Marshal of Machinations, Chief Torturer, Enlightened Souldestroyer, Colossus and Behemoth, Destroyer of Worlds (you get the idea there were 310 more of these titles) it has come to our attention that one Alexis Gooner is playing games with some of our blessed brethren. We request you make her stop. Lee and Malcolm North-West Region, Scouse Division.”
          We are on to you Alexis!

          1. Alexis Gooner from the north-west. HG it seems I am ready for the greaters.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I have dispatched Gregory and Gabriel. How d’you like me now?

          3. Oh those double agents, yes they’re here; already on their fifth glass of wine and a nice bit of scouse

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Nice try.

          5. You should come over, we’ve been drinking a bottle of ‘Dupers delight’, Gabriel brought it round. He did say it was your last one, I’m sure you don’t mind 💋

          6. HG Tudor says:

            And the rohypnol in your glass will just be kicking in now…..

          7. Oh ……. Oops !

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Night night.

          9. Malcom, come back. I’m sorry. Lee – where are you. I didn’t mean to make you so mad.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha that made me laugh.

    2. Miss_stress says:

      Alexis, you are so awesome!!!

      1. Missy you are awesome too !! I’ll take your hand and we’ll do this together X

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It sounds too frightening to watch. I’m only 14 remember?

          1. Bit old by today’s standards HG

          2. It just occurred to me HG, we weren’t crying either so it’s probably not your thing 😉

        2. Miss_stress says:

          Okay, sounds good to me….are we slayers 😏

          1. Exactly that missy !!

          2. Miss_stress says:

            I need many pointers, Alexis….I am but a Padawan.

          3. We’ll do this together – side by side

            Is that better HG ? you can put those tissues away now !

    3. nikitalondon says:

      Uggghh no way. Disgusting guy. I even thanked God silently for never having had such am experience. I prefer to live on counting every cent with somebody poor

      1. Don’t worry nikita, they’re just toys and not for every day use.

        But HG reminded me tonight that I’m not yet ready for the bigger boys !

        1. nikitalondon says:

          You want to be ready for the highly manipulative that machinate everything they do and say?

  11. Cinderella No More says:

    Never mind my previous question HG. I found the answer in Narcissist or Sociopath.

    I was married 6 yrs to a cerebral shy introvert. No physical abuse, just covert gaslighting, career sabotage, and social isolation. There was one incidence of marital rape where he acted like the victim. He went to a corner and rocked back and forth like a child, sobbing. Wtf? Regression or manipulation?

    He received a personality transplant after realizing divorce was real. He became cold, calculating with intermittent good behaviors resulting in a 15 year divorce war. He broke every court order and abused the kids by proxy while emotionally and academically neglecting them. He’s highly educated, rich, financially savvy and used lawyers obscenely to avoid child support or share custody .

    Without ever raising his voice, hitting or name calling.

    Psychopathic or sociopathic?

    I’d appreciate your answer HG. You’ve given me more insight than any doctor in 25 years of psychological hell.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      His reaction to the marital rape (given what else you describe him as later in your comment) indicates this manipulation. In his mind you made him do that vile act and it was your fault. He knew you would point the figure at him (he is highly aware) and therefore he adopted a stance that would cause you (or he hoped that it would cause you) to forget about yourself and reach out to him to comfort him. Twisted? Of course, but if you lay there sobbing after having been raped you are making it about you and he cannot have that.It must be about him and hence his reaction.
      He gives the impression of being a narcissistic sociopath from the details you have provided.

  12. Lisa says:

    HG , I think mine is a lesser to mid , I’m pretty torn between the 2. He has never been physical with me at all but maybe capable I’m not sure. I don’t believe he doesn’t remember , he remembers so many small details , even dates and years , that I wouldn’t remember . I guess different partners will also bring out different levels of rage and frustration as well. Would it be possible for an N to be a greater N. Even if he is not particularly a high achiever academically or in the work place . Is it misleading to believe they have to be very successful in life ? They could still be greater in the N capacity or is this unlikely ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Lisa, a greater does not per se have to be an achiever but invariably we are. It may be that the relevant N has not applied his talents to social and career advancement (but this would be highly unusual) and would rather use his malicious energies focused on a primary source and a small number of supplementary sources. The capabilities that a greater has means that he would want the world to see his brilliance and therefore this will manifest usually as being an achiever in some field or fields.

  13. Cinderella No More says:

    Brilliant HG. Great article for anyone caught with a violent temperamental abuser.

    What do you think of the label Narcissistic Sociopath for Lee? Surely he must be a hybrid

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello CNM and thank you. No, Lee is not a narcissistic sociopath, he lacks control, calculation and focus.

  14. Clary says:

    He’s getting hitched he’s still giving me the silent treatment what do I do? What does he want from me? More fuel this is ridiculous and it’s starting to piss off my every internal organ

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Focus on your defences and not him.

  15. luckyotter says:

    What happened to my comment ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Which one?

      1. luckyotter says:

        I thought I posted a comment for this but it’s gone now. Maybe I didn’t.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Too much gas lighting eh LO?

      2. Leilani says:

        Ha ha ha, good one HG. Gas lighting explained.

  16. 1jaded1 says:

    The pic…wow. Im getting in? Umm..I’m getting out. Buh bye. Have you ever seen the movie, ” Teeth”? Quite a watch.

  17. karen519 says:

    Oh I always knew my N was lesser when he lost his control. He didn’t always loose it but how about drunken idiot crazy like kicking the windshield out i was driving down the road, or the box cutter coming at my throat while I was driving having to jump out of my truck while driving ( which blessed him with 3 years incarnation) because he was chasing me while I was running into oncoming traffic. Cutting phone lines, pad locking me and my child in a mobile home and setting it on fire so we could jump out the window. Or breaking glass so he could threaten to slice my throat. Everything around us turned into a weapon. At a certain time he would not hardly eat unless I took a bite first to make sure I was not poisoning him. I do have to admit I did leave one time to keep from killing him. All I tried to do was love him but now I know he does not want love. And everyone thought he was such a delight…
    Thank You HG

  18. Miss_stress says:

    Your writing is never predictable, it keeps me on my toes and with baited breath. Your are an endless volume of knowledge HG.

  19. Miss_stress says:

    My all accounts my ex was lesser as he was this way…it really hit and slapped home…he was physical and verbal to the enth degree. Only after I began suspecting. So a lesser and then a mid range. Good thing I am not dating, by these estimations the next will be greater.
    This was literary brilliance once again HG. I was in that scenario. Those last two articles were triggering and necessary to read. Thank you.

  20. anteah says:

    So what hapens at the end, after Lee falls asleep? What exactly should we not watch? Lee’s early demise at the hands of his victim?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ugandan affairs.

      1. steeviann says:

        I have been there HG! Hands on with chimps and gorilla tracking. Wonderful place.

  21. Julie says:

    HG, would you mind if I ask you a question? As I’m no longer with my narcissistic women beater partner, and my head is totally fuc£ed not knowing what made him hate me so much that final evening he beat me up bad, is it possible him watching me reunited with my best friend who I’d not seen in 31yrs and having the best time I’ve had in a long time with her be enough to make him loose control and hurt me that way?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He will not like to see you contented with your best friend and this will cause him to feel wounded. He will need fuel to heal the wound. He may draw it from you, therefore you need to be on guard or he may draw it from other sources. How will he see your reunion if you are not together with him? Do you mean he might see it posted on social media etc? If so, you need to take steps to prevent him from seeing and/or not broadcasting it.

  22. Miss_stress says:

    That is good Steviann, he is open to communcation about what he is. That was all I wanted from CN and he just denied it all and blamed me. I hope things can remain in even keel and he does not begin a devalue.

    1. steeviann says:

      OH but he tried today with blaming me for NOT BELIEVING HIM. I just said “well you could be saying anything you want and not mean it” He said he would cut me off if I do not believe what he is saying as he is telling me things he tells his shrink.
      I wanted to point out that this is what NARCS do, create the inability for anyone to believe what comes out of their mouth. Oh but I believe everything you say oh sweet honest Narc of mine, as I cross my fingers behind my back.

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Old habits die hard. As they say, N’s especially. Point it out to him, I would, seeing he is or is feigning awareness….then. Give him the truth as you feel it. He either accepts or Denys it. If he gets angry, leave.

  23. Oh HG this really made me laugh! As soon as I saw you’d named him Lee, I knew it was going to be a patronising but funny one.

    My MN loves the lessers because he knows like you exactly why they behave the way they do and manipulates then perfectly. Credit where it’s due !

  24. Clary says:

    The day he left me he was filled with fury told me I better get out if the car because he was withholding himself from hitting me he was about to hit me but he was controlling himself why was he controlling himself?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So there was no blood on his nice clean upholstery.

      1. Clary says:

        We were not alone what do you mean by upholstery?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The car seats.

  25. Clary says:

    The day he left me he was full of rage and fury and he he threatened to hit me but said I better get out of the car because he was about to hit me and he was withholding himself he was furious really raged why did he withheld from agressing me?

  26. Jessicca says:

    Great narrative. Very insightful but also tough to read as I think back on my N. Thanks for posting

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Jessica, you are welcome.

  27. Leilani says:

    I do not believe he and/or any range would last with a “Princess”. Great post HG!

  28. Clary says:

    Thank you Tudor God bless you

  29. twinkletoes says:

    He was never physically abusive but this pretty much describes it otherwise. An entire year of devaluation. The mental abuse was horrible; I was routinely called “pig,” “fast food queen,” “slut” and “whore”. He also blocked my calls, but randomly dialed me to scream. It was a shock coming from someone I had daily contact with 13 years prior. He discarded me like trash and I know he feels no shame or guilt now. I guess this is the real person, but I don’t want to believe it. HG he will do this to others too right?

    Do you think he would have shown up to get me at the airport had I not cancelled? Why do I still feel partially at fault?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes he will do this to others too TT.
      You feel at fault because one of your empathic traits is to absorb blame when there is actually no need to do so (see Your Fault and Chained) and we know this, exploit it and heap it on you so you become susceptible to hoovers in order to try to diminish the blame.

  30. I too enjoyed this illustration thoroughly and look forward to reading more HG. I think my experience has been with the mid-range. I t does help to identify those outside my intimate sphere as well I am noticing other manipulators that surround me and others and identifying the types helps me prepare and protect, as always many thanks to you.

  31. nikitalondon says:

    Impressive Narrative HG.
    I could almost see the fight… And then I turned around for the second part… No sinnful thoughts 😂😂.
    My thoughts were really of feeling sorry for the people who are involved in such unhappiness. Its really really sad.
    Your work is so grandiose that if somebody in that situation is lucky enough to find your blog. Could be the beginning of a new life.
    Thanks 😍

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Nikita.

  32. Clary says:

    He told me that the day he broke up with me

  33. Clary says:

    I thought he was just trying to fool me by making me fall in love and then letting me know he was never in love in the first place

  34. Clary says:

    What does it mean when a narciccus sociopath after deduction and falling in love with him tells you he will never be with someone like you? Why does he say that?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Clary, it is done to demean you, reinforce his superiority and to cause you to react and provide fuel.

      1. Clary says:

        Seduction not deduction and he did that the day he broke up with me I thought he was just fooling me by letting me know he was never in love

  35. steeviann says:

    My Narc now openly discusses his stuff. He does not hide his illness from me. He actually turns to me and talks through his thoughts.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How does that make you feel?

      1. steeviann says:

        Helpful and Understanding. Accepting. But also I am on high alert for the ball to always drop. We talk about what he actually thinks. It has really evolved into a different connection. I never gave up on him as a person. I educated myself with your help HG. I know what he is capable of and it is a strenght for me. I
        It is also sad that he is so hollow. I hear how he goes in and out of this within himself. I watch what fuel he extracts from me. I think I get as much from him as he does from me.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Interesting, I note you remain alert and ready for the shift as it will be used against you, but you do seem to be managing the situation with your acquired knowledge.

          1. steeviann says:

            Thanks to you HG. I saw the shift last night when we talked. I could tell it was coming on. It is a moving target.

          2. steeviann says:

            We are not a couple. We are just two people talking. He does constantly say I am a force to him and I just do not understand the power that I put out. It must be such good fuel.

    2. Miss_stress says:

      Wonderful… often does this happen HG….is he a Greater N?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Cusp of mid and greater I suspect, would need to know more.

        1. Miss_stress says:

          This is great thing, that he isn’t denying it and addressing it openly.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            He is only doing so because it suits his purposes. Wait and see what happens.

          2. Miss_stress says:

            I want to be hopeful….it was all I ever wanted. So I am hoping it is real for Steviann. Let’s not jinx it. Even to the point where she can get answers and Closure, that is a huge blessing.

      2. steeviann says:

        There is no hope for anything other then he can extract fuel but perhaps not the sweet fuel he was use to with me. The more I do talk to him and the more I read everything on here the less I want to talk to him. There are moments now and many of them, where I could not care less. If anything let us hope for his sake as a human that he decides to manage his illness/disorder. His life would be somewhat easier.
        I did invite him to meet me in Stockholm and I am having second thoughts as he would cramp my style a bit. I am sure he will not go as this is his MO with me. Plan and then not go. I am somewhat indifferent.

        1. Miss_stress says:

          Steeviann, are you renengaging him for information, not to continue relationship?
          Yes, let’s hope he seeks therapy and this isn’t a rouse for fuel only from you.
          Can you uninvite him on the trip or tell him your olans changed, if he will ruin trip, what point is there for him to be there?

          1. steeviann says:

            He has been in therapy for a couple of years. He knows what he is. I do call him out on his BS. My therapist says I am now in it for my ego and my control over the situation. I think right now this minute, he is gross to me. I am tired, to damn tired for his crap.
            I have a life to live, either he wants to be a part of it in a healthy way or get the F out of the way. You don’t know me or him but trust me when I say “I am the catch!”
            I am in the last 3rd time period of my life and I need to live it. Starting with my second trip to Sweden this summer and relaxing at the Grand Hotel Stockholm. Now this is my charmed life.
            Did I just vent? ahhhh

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Reads to me like you need to be rid.

          3. steeviann says:

            Ya think HG? I am the sick one now. Want to meet me in Sweden?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            It would be a pleasure.

          5. steeviann says:

            See you there then. Grand Hotel Stockholm 2-12. Meet for Tea?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Low Tea or High Tea or a cup of tea?

          7. steeviann says:

            High Tea 2PM 8/6 I will make the reservations. I will be the one with the Kindle reading something by HG Tudor.

          8. HG Tudor says:

            But isn’t everybody reading me these days?!
            Marvellous. I am the one who causes the lights to flicker and the flowers to wilt as I walk past.

          9. steeviann says:

            No, you do not make the flowers wilt.

          10. Miss_stress says:

            Can you just cut him loose Steviann, exactly if he can’t abide by your wishes for your won life, then he can vacate your life. Well untill he hoovers it again. I don’t doubt you Steviann, that you are the catch.
            Vent away, it is cathartic. Yes, time for you to enjoy this life of yours.

      3. steeviann says:

        No! He is not a greater Narc. Not in the least. He is mid to lower. He is not like HG. HG would have been in my bank account in no time. Actually he is in a way as I have about 9 of his books. :-0

        1. Miss_stress says:

          I laughed at comparison Steeviann. Okay thank you, I was just wondering,

  36. Heather says:

    For some reason I have not been physically beaten or slapped!? Spit on by my 2nd Narc. Molested and used til I was sobbing in my pillow! I can’t understand how they “don’t remember”? How can that be? My last one is VERY knee jerky and explosive! Thank you for explaining it was from my calm and neutral approaches!! Geez! :@ This post made me laugh out loud! I don’t know why? NONE of it is remotely funny!! Thank you HG 😎

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Heather.

  37. Fool me 1 time says:

    HG, I am going to give you a little fuel right now! There are so many ways that you have come up with to help the victims learn and protect themselves from narcs. From the posts, books. Podcasts, and hopefully audio soon. It is absolutely wonderful! With this post you actually took us by the hand to explain by example how the lesser works. For some reason with this post a light bulb turned on in my brain! I hope you will find the time to do the same with the middle and greater? Ok here it comes!! You are absolutely positively amazing and wonderful!!! Thank you so very very much!! I have the greatest respect for you and your writing!! Xxx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Fool Me,that is most kind of you. Yes, there will be similar works concerning the Mid-Range and the Greater, keep reading!

    2. nikitalondon says:

      We are too now who see how ultra top amazing he is.

    3. nikitalondon says:

      I meant two.

  38. centauride12 says:

    Took me back down rabbit hole to Narc #1…very accurate portrayal HG. Only difference was if he got violent I locked him out of the bedroom and I just would not be a good girl and do I was told. I repeatedly asserted myself which is probably why I ended up in hospital.

    The narc who is sniffing around at the moment is most definitely of the lessee variety with a significant drug problem I suspect. He blames all his behaviour on his bipolar disorder and wasn’t too impressed when I told him yesterday that he only used his illness to avoid taking responsibility for his poor behaviour. I’m now giving him a nice dose of silent treatment. Funny but now I know what he is and why he does what he does it doesn’t bother me anymore and I can keep my distance. Thanks HG, think you’ve cured me of my addiction!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are seizing the power CR12, it is evident in your application of what you have learned to the position you find yourself in.

  39. Cara says:

    Who is Lee to you (other than a lesser Narcissist)? Is he brother, son, nephew?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Lee is a made-up name. The real Lee is a cousin of mine. You can thank/blame Uncle Peter for him.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        The very nice and sympathic and thoughtful unlce Pete?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He isn’t those things Nikita.

          1. nikitalondon says:

            I know he is all the contrary. I think of all your family members this one had impressed me negatively because of his malevolence and coldness. …
            I said it sarcastic to make it obvious he is totally the opposite.😖😳

  40. Dear Sir David Attenborough,
    That was Fantastic work. I loved the narrative. I was waiting for you to say:
    Here we find the wildebeest in his natural habitat. Little does he know that crouching low through the African muhli grass is a hungry lioness with two Cubs. She will stalk the wildebeest and observe until she’s ready to pounce. What’s this? A Crocodile at the watering hole. The wildebeest has no fighting chance. Who will win out? Crocodile or Lioness? *commercial break*.
    HG well done. Excellent example of lesser Narc. I was raised with it. Except he was on drugs because his father was an alcoholic and he didn’t want to be like his Dad…lol
    BTW, seen Dr. M today. U will be pleased to know that he is friends with the head of psychology department at major university. He recommended what I recommended & The professor is reading 3 of your books to use in her work. I am helping you blow up H. I want that signed book. If I keep marketing u I want it read to me in person by you while lying in your bed. U can pay someone to fan me and feed me grapes. My husband knows this is my dream. He will allow it. Text me. X’s and O’s.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ha ha, yes it was a little like a documentary wasn’t it? If you market me with success to an increased audience I will be content to read the signed book to you in person by all means.

    2. 1jaded1 says:

      You crack me up.

  41. So Sad says:

    My life ^^^^ for a long time . TY again HG .

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