Hiding

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Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However, as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me. I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence. I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being; I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”

“No.”

“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”

“No.”

I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.

 

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102 thoughts on “Hiding”

  1. I agree with the good doctors, H.G. You are hiding from LOVE. I think you’re hiding the hurting parts of yourself from God, from others, and even yourself, because of the emotional injuries, fear, shame, and even pride, that you have experienced in your childhood. However, by hiding your injuries and frailties, you’re isolating yourself from the very things you need in order to heal and mature. Essentially, what protected you as a child became your prison as an adult.

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  2. HG, everyone is afraid of the unknown. Is this why you couldn’t or wouldn’t answer? Because you are afraid? Perhaps afraid of not being in control? Afraid that everything you worked so hard to keep buried for all these years would be freed? That perhaps you would loose everything? Don’t you see how even more wonderful you would be? That there are people out there that truly love and care about you and only want the best for you! You will not cease to exists!! You will flourish! I hope that by now you are starting to realize that. I know this article was written some time ago, but as with all of your posts the more you read them the more you get out of them! You truly are a magnificent writer and I also believe that there is a magnificent man just waiting to get out and show the world just how amazing he is!! Bless you HG. And thank you!! Xxx😘

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    1. Thank you for your kind comments Fool Me. I am not afraid, fear serves no purpose but to paralyse and weaken and I am not going to let them do it to me. They are trying to lead me down a path under the auspices of helping me, but how can they do so when they are really trying to being about my obliteration. I cannot lose control. I cannot allow those things to be exhumed. I cannot.

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      1. HG imagine the fuel you would receive if you became the only narcissist in the entire world who had the courage to lose control as you say. You would be known far and wide, the 8th wonder Do it for humanity lol.

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      2. Your abyss is what weakens you. You see it as a creature locked in a cage that must be fed energy so it doesn’t break and the beast gets free. It is a great festering wound in your heart, which you’ve bandaged as best you could.

        You provoke reactions from people positive and negative to gain fuel for this cage rather than yourself and healing. Even when you’re imagining people’s supposed reactions to what you’ve done over long distance or in the past and gaining fuel from that (which is really just you taking energy from yourself), you direct that fuel to the beast and not to healing. So the wounds fester further. You don’t get stronger. The creature does. Of course he likes that arrangement just fine, and he would paralyze you to the idea of anything that might seek to destroy or alter that arrangement.

        “They are trying to lead me down a path under the auspices of helping me, but how can they do so when they are really trying to being about my obliteration. I cannot lose control. I cannot allow those things to be exhumed. I cannot.” That’s your creature using you as a mouthpiece.

        So yes, he makes you hide from yourself. Hide from love. Hide from sadness. Hide from fear. Hide from truth. He’s taken this mountain of pain and torment and spun it and molded it and mirrored it such that you are acting as the monster, going out into the world and gaining his fuel for him. All he has to do is lurk inside you and pull the puppet strings on you. Let you have a tiny trickle of the fuel you obtain for this “cage” (you think this keeps him in but instead he’s tapped into it – it provides him sustenance and keeps you out). He allows you just enough to make you feel like you’re in control and powerful and so you continue. You think this fuel is the “glue” holding these mirror pieces in place. All the creature has to do when he wants more energy is to flick a piece of the mirror facade away, and off you’ll go, scurrying to obtain a burst of fuel for him.

        Your mirror facade of personality is you. Everyone tries on different things they see that they like, seeing what fits and what doesn’t. Especially in childhood. The result is a unique and quirky individual. Your creature has used his own abilities to twist this natural part of development into something sinister and make you feel like it’s wrong. So that you actively devote energy towards keeping the pieces “glued” in place so people don’t see the void, the abyss, the creature. This whole facade thing is but another tool in his own toolkit to keep sending you after that precious “fuel”.

        What a clever beast you’ve created to torment yourself with, just as the people in your past taught you to through their repeated abuses. This is how the cycle of abuse continues. How the creature procreates. Round and round you keep yourself in circles in order to avoid what actually must be done.

        “The worst that could happen is that all those things which I keep locked away would escape and subsume me, that I would lose control and then it would escape and consign me to oblivion. I would be hurled back to that place form which I have escaped and never wish to return. I don’t have to go back. Nobody can make me. I decide what happens to me, not someone else.” Your creature is using your fear of past abuse and trauma to make you avoid doing what you need to do in order to truly move forward. He knows you’re already starting to take the right steps through therapy and through these blogs so he brings out these things that have been “locked away” and dangles them in front of you to torment you and keep you in line.

        Acknowledging that you must go to the abyss, hitting bottom, breaking down, debriding that wound or many wounds is long and ugly and painful. In the process your beast is scrubbed out and you are made stronger and more efficient since you don’t have to feed him anymore. Reduce the impact of those past traumas so the creature can’t use them against you so much, if at all. Realize that there is no mirror facade, that this is indeed you and you can adopt and change parts of yourself if you wish, that’s part of growing. Then you will be more solid and the creature won’t have these parts to flick away. Glue won’t be necessary. Yet another supply line cut off so that you can direct that attention and energy to your own healing.

        During that process you have many supporters who would gladly still fuel you in a loving way so you could heal. The abyss will shrink and start to become more solid ground. There is ebb and flow but each time you also take that creature down with you, and you’ll emerge stronger while the beast will be weaker and eventually you can sever this toxic symbiotic relationship. You don’t have to be the creature’s appliance.

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      3. Lilly, thank you for your thoughtful post, it gave me much to consider. I disagree that the creature gets stronger because I am not directing the fuel to him but rather to his containment. I see the difference in perspective though. I regard the harvesting of fuel as that which is necessary to keep the creature contained but also to allow the pieces, fragments and shards of the construct to stick together to keep the prison in place and also to create the image I want the world to see. If my fuel drops,I feal weakened and the construct begins to fracture, with shards falling away which raises the propect of the creature escaping and taking over. You suggest that it is the creature that causes the piece or shard to fall away so that this causes me to have to find more fuel. Yet it is I who created the construct to contain the creature, he did not do so. You are suggesting that the creature is controlling me, rather than me controlling the creature, that somehow he has manufactured this arrangement which serves him well rather than me. I must admit, I am impressed by your observations and the different perspective you have brought. I do however regard it as me that is in control. Why would the creature cause me to obtain fuel to keep him locked away where I cannot hear him or contemplate him? Surely he would want to escape? Surely he wants to prevent me from gaining fuel so that my construct collapses and he takes me over? I am the one that determines what happens to me, the creature does no control me, I control it. It wants to control me, I agree with you there, but I am not going to let is. This way I need not be plunged into the abyss with all the dreadful consequences that would arise from this. I have not yet worked out how to slay this creature, perhaps he cannot be slain and it is a case of keeping him locked away.I know how to do that.I am good at doing that, very good. Nevertheless, thank you for such an interesting post which has caused me to contemplate it on repeated occasions through the last few days since you sent it.

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      4. The Creature is the locked away portion of your conscience and little H.G. That part of you wants to become free to just be you without needing the shield of your construct taken from others. You’re not going to fall into an abyss. You’re at a point in your life you will transcend it all.

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      5. I don’t think so daanis I refuse to be someone’s fuel Hoover hole sucking item

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  3. This was interesting to me, since I’m deeply interested in techniques therapists use with NPDs. Your discomfort with their questioning was evident in your words, HG. What is the worst that could happen were you to answer honestly and let them know how uncomfortable you were at that line of questioning? That you are afraid to reveal who you really are? Do you think you would ever break down? Do you ever cry, HG?

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    1. Thank you LO. The worst that could happen is that all those things which I keep locked away would escape and subsume me, that I would lose control and then it would escape and consign me to oblivion. I would be hurled back to that place form which I have escaped and never wish to return. I don’t have to go back. Nobody can make me. I decide what happens to me, not someone else. They are conspiring against me, trying to destroy me, I know their game, I have looked in their eyes LO and seen the false concern which is an attempt to mask that they are agents of my family. I will not break down. To do so is weak. That is what they want to happen. They want to weaken me and cause me to break, but I am not going to do it. I have the means to defend myself and I get better and better at it.
      I do not cry. Not even to draw sympathy.

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      1. Thank you for your honest answer. I respect your feelings and think I understand. But I have another question. You said you could feel their empathy for you, so if it’s a conspiracy, could it not be a conspiracy of love for you? Could your need for fuel in the form of emotions from others perhaps be a projection of your own desire to know your real self, the one who can love and feel? Why would that make you feel weak? I hope I’m not asking too many questions.

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      2. You are welcome LO. No, you are not asking too many questions, yours are always thoughtful and to the point. Yes they challenge me at times but that is part of the process. I do not regard it as a conspiracy of love, this supposed empathy they exhibit is a cloak for their perfidious behaviour.
        Are you suggesting that I want people to give me emotional attention in order to somehow cause me to know this real self? If so, I don’t. The fuel is needed to keep that creature at bay, locked away and silent. The fuel is to allow me to be brilliant and gather more fuel.

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      3. I’m glad my questions challenge you. 🙂 What is the process exactly if you are not trying to know this real self and are in fact deadset on keeping it at bay? You are brilliant, but guess what–you’d be even more brilliant if you could allow your heart to open up again. Really, you would!

        I’m similar to you, HG. Don’t laugh, it’s true. I don’t have NPD but I thought I did because I wore a very thin mask of indifference and inability to connect with others for a long time. I might have become a narcissist if that continued. The treatment for BPD is almost the same as the treatment for NPD and it’s all caused by trauma. Yes, it’s easier to treat my disorder because we don’t have the additional mask layer or a strong false self (we are chameleons instead, always adapting ourselves to the situation–that’s why we change like the wind). Under THAT is rage and fear, and under THAT is a yawning black hole–the emptiness you have too. NPDs in treatment, after awhile start acting more like Borderlines a that mask falls away because at the core, these disorders are the same. Gradually I’m learning to reconnect with myself and with others, and rediscover the empathy I was born with, and it’s the loveliest feeling in the world. I promise it would be the same for you, if you allow the process to work and trust the doctors. I get what you’re saying though–it can seem easier to keep the mask on because in your case it’s allowed you to have success–but at what price, HG?

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      4. They are trying to cause me to address the creature. I do not want to. This is the current battle. It remains to be seen where it will end up. Thank you for explaining your own situation and I understand what you are saying.
        You are entirely correct. Keeping the mask in place has served me well, brilliantly well and therefore I see no reason to remove it although several have been advanced, so far I have rejected them. That said, I have listened to them whereas once upon a time I would not have even countenanced their airing, so I suppose some would consider that progress.
        You refer to the question of a price and that has interested me. What do you say the price is for me continuing the way that I am?

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      5. I think you are making progress. The fact you even changed your username indicated that (I think). The transformation will just happen over time. It might take a long time.

        The price is emptiness and not being able to experience sublime emotions like joy, empathy, feeling touched, real gratitude, even sadness. These are lovely emotions, I’m beginning to feel them more than I ever did. You also sacrifice being able to have real give and take friendships and relationships, with true caring from your end. Also, someone else (I forgot who now) said that you’d be the first narcissist blogger to overcome narcissism and be able to tell the world about it, and that would bring you more fame and fortune than you can imagine. It would also help erase some of the stigma against Ns because you would be living proof that there is hope for them. That should fill you with so much fuel you’d explode–but by that time, you will no longer need the fuel. You’ll have the ability to generate your own fuel instead of taking it from others.

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      6. It is not a game. They are not trying to weaken you. You said yourself they show a genuine interest and caring for you. You would experience temporary, albeit extreme discomfort, but it would not send you into oblivion. You could face those demons and the grief with it. You know why? Because at this place in time and the season in your life, you have your strength and self-control you have mastered. You aren’t going to return to adults reigning over you. At least you have people caring and interested enough to want to be by your side in this journey. Be grateful for that.

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      7. Why DO you feel like you’ve been told off? I was actually being supportive and complimentary of your strength!

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      8. You think accessing those memories will catapult you back into that environment. You were a child then and have that child like perspective on that. It can’t. It’s like going back to seal up the initial fault line for an earthquake that has caused cracks and aftershocks all this time. I’m pushing you to challenge you because you are more than capable, not criticizing.

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      9. Lol, btw, leaving now for Chicago. Another message says “error” if u are able to check.

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      10. HG is it your gut instinct that tells you they are doing a conspiration against you ? You have told us gut instinct never fails.
        on the other side, goin to the end of your feelings, might be hard in the beggining and as you say unlock the beast but its not the same as the beast unlocked becuaes of no fuel. Its aimed towards a healing which could be the same healing that keeps the beast away and this time for ever.

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      11. I cant comment directly on lucky otters comment but HG regaining the ability to feel love and other feelings that cause the void, even if the cure is hard, its worth as a ” long time investment” the beast would be gone for ever. Isnt it that the root cause of narcissism not being able to feel love, happiness and all the other emotions the others feel and this is why the need of fuel and the existance of mrs. beast ??

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      12. Why would the good doctor’s think they can change anything about you HG? Have they ignored their reading assignment? I’m very grateful to you (sir) for sharing you with us. As an empath I agree you must be who you are and I will defend your right to exist just as you are. Empaths beware…

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      13. Well, either they belief they can because they are arrogant or they are content to enjoy the fees which are being paid to them and that is why they will continue with the work. Thank you for your kind words and for also swearing to defend me. I shall call that in at some point!

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      14. What if you are wrong HG? You are a grown person now and you can keep control of yourself no matter what these doctors working for your family say or do? You are who you are and people need to learn how to deal with reality. Just like with the rest of the world. Who cares if you think you’re better than me? Not me. I can’t control you and wouldn’t want to. I just am so grateful that you’ve exposed what you have. I will be much more careful about who comes in my life as allowing this to happen to me was my own fault. I did not know better but now I do. I’m done researching NPD now. I feel strong. I’m not afraid anymore. Thank you HG and the regular commenter on here. Nakita, FM1T, B&T and others you are awesome. Fascinating stuff. Thanks.

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      15. Thank you Peaches. What do you mean if I am wrong, I am never wrong. I have to maintain control, yes, but there are times when I feel on the cusp of frenzy.

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      16. Hello HG. Hope you are doing well. I’ve been reading your books on kindle for the past couple of weeks. You’ve given me a lot to hope for actually. This is my 2nd year on this healing journey from Narcissist abuse. I need to ask you about another book too…particularly your short blurb on drug and alcohol abuse. Is there a book on this?

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      17. Looking forward HG. I know many people in my home country who had encounters with drugs and alcohol and today are admirable proffesionals, fathers , citizens etc 😃😃😘

        Peaches for you. Thanks for the comment 😃🌹

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  4. I don’t know what you are hiding from, if you are hiding at all. But it is internal for sure. The brain if such a powerful machine but so fallible and complex. The wires are crossed and perhaps never to be any different.

    (I am not a believer in a GOD, as why would he torture you so.) Personally I don’t think you are a believer. I think you might admire Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris and the late Christopher Hitchens. The list goes on. All brilliant minds. But if a belief in a God would help you then by all means believe. Wait! You are god like. Like me, I am too.

    HG, if I could say one word to help you destroy the torture you have even if just for one day, I would do so. You have helped me with my hell and escaping it. I wish I could do the same.

    I like your good doctors.

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      1. You said “Thank you” and that you are glad that what you have written is useful in another post. Is this your standard response?

        I would like to know, if you are so willing to share, your opinion on the men I mentioned in my post. The non-believers.

        Today is day 3 and I feel more distant from him then ever before. The other times were kick starts, now I am well on my way. I actually shiver with the thought of him. What must have been going through his mind as he dug holes for the trees he was planting when I was visiting his home. Or perhaps how he would love to push me off his dock into the water, if only it were deep enough. How about when he covered my eyes when we were watching Misery and she was breaking his ankles, oh how he must have fantasied. Although he never hit me or touched me like that, I am sure he dreamed of it. His rage was to deep.

        Actually he said he was more afraid of me, as I have a very calm crazed look in my eyes when I am pushed to far and yes, I am not beyond taking the base of my palm and placing it at the place between your upper lip and the bottom of your nose with a swift move and a little pressure to protect myself. He knew this. To make it clear, I have not hit or touched anyone since I was in my 20’s. I have had a few run from me.

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      2. No not a standard response but an economical way of communicating my appreciation.

        Apologies if I missed something you wanted me to comment on. Could you paste it a comment for me and I shall respond?

        Day 3 is three more days than day zero. It will remain a long road and you will experience further ups and downs as the rollercoaster ride continues, but maintain your defences, fortify your resolve and keep reminding yourself why you are doing it in order to avoid the other manipulations that have been put in place during your seduction and devaluation from affecting you even further. I found your comments re digging holes, the water and Misery interesting. Are you finding yourself revisiting instances of your relationship and evaluating what he may have been thinking? That is entirely understandable, How do you feel when you do that? Is it always with the shiver that you mentioned?

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      3. Yes, I realize how I dodged a bullet. But as I said in an earlier post, my therapist said I was to strong mentally for him to stick around for long. He could not isolate me nor get access to my money. I fought back more then not.
        Now in retrospect I see the darkness that he is. I am light and he hated me for it. I walk in a room and people are drawn to me, my smile, my kindness.
        He has lost this one HG. I didn’t get where I am by being a fool for too long.
        My heart was hurt because I have not been involved with anyone on this level for many years, self imposed healing and learning about myself. He caught me at the right moment, guess I just needed to get laid. 😉

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      4. Do you think it was just that Steeviann, that you needed to get laid, or is that what you have decided now? I suspect there was more at the time and that was how you were fooled, but as you write, you are not fooled for long. It is interesting because I can see why he was attracted to you but it seems almost as if after a time he bit off more than he could chew.

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      5. No it wasn’t just that. I thought I was ready to share. But sex was at the top of the list. He did say many times, you are a force, you have more power then you know. From the start he told me he was sick, he told me he was seeing a shrink, he told me some of his issues. He never was dishonest with me in the way of cheating. He point blank said I want to see others. He always said he could not lie to me so to be careful of what I ask because he would tell me the truth and he did when I asked. He did say I was very different from the norm, I am now convinced of this. (I am told this by many, male, female, friends, family and foes)
        He said I wield a power and this also scared him. My girlfriend told me just the other night that she has never met a women like me and she sells clothes to all the ladies and is one of the social butterflies in our circle. She said that my mind thinks so differently. She admired this. I can go on and on and this is not tooting my own horn. I know I march to the beat of a different drummer and I always have and I have tried to conform and be the “norm” but it just doesn’t happen. It is a positive and a negative, depends on how you want to look at it.
        I am a very beautiful woman (told at least once a day) but I know it is what radiates from within.
        I play a game with people and I did it today with my Barr Class teacher. I am standing right next to her and in front of mirrors and she made a comment on my posture. I asked her “how tall do you think I am?” 5’7″ 5’8″ she stated. No I am 5’5 1/2″. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. My point is I have presence and in having this I stand out. Back to Jonathan, he said I would dump him so he beat me to it. He caught me at a moment I wanted to love and be loved or perhaps we can call it love/lust. I am picky on the physical part. Have to have the chemical reaction.
        A few have tried to bite off and they choke.

        So why do you think he was attracted to me? My kindness, the Empath that I am? He knew what he was doing, he knew I wanted to get as Drake sings to Rihanna “you need to get done, done, done”.

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  5. My dearest HG,
    There will always be Bitchy Twatwaffles that will kiss your ass on this site and say how they get you and they feel you don’t need to change and your perfect etc….but don’t you just hope that one of those bitches gets their heart ripped out and stepped on so that they can learn a lesson? Or maybe they already have or were molested or have daddy issues but whatever it may be it looks as though despite what these few bitch ass hoes say you realize with your superior intellect that your hiding from truth. Your pick. Face it or Use your continued methods. I think you’ll learn that loving is better than thinking everybody should bend to your requirements that are always changing thus never to be accomplished by your muses. It impossible to live up to your standards when you are always changing them. Did someone treat you that way? Is that why you like 2 b in control of doing it to others?

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    1. Harsh Anna!!!

      I haven’t seen any evidence of anyone who either agrees or disagrees with what HG does, & as far as I’m aware the majority of people who post are here do so because they are trying to escape abuse or have escaped & trying to find support & answers I know I am .

      As for bitchy ass kissing twatwaffle hoes? why the nastiness ?

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    2. Anna, I am not just a bitch I am THE BITCH! It comes from dealing with people like you who do not care or think about what they say or write! This blog is here for everyone! For the very strong, and confident like B&T, to the very sweet and dear like Nikita! People are different so they have different reasons for being here as do you! Depending on what stage of healing they are going through there may be a lot of anger, but to direct it at us is really unnecessary. Most of the people here support each other as we would do you. If you find the need for name calling to help you in some way that is very sad indeed. We are not the ones that hurt you! I am not going to get into a pissing match with you over this! Just as you have the freedom to write what you want, so do I. I hope you truly find what you need on this blog to heal or learn. Have a wonderful day.

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      1. Thank you fool me, I appreciate your kind words very much. The creature that I am just assumed this was largely directed at me. It actually brought a smile to my face.

        Some things and people are just better ignored. I think this may be one of those things or people or whatever it is.

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      2. I also thank you fool me . I had answered and not read that b&T and you had answered but we all agreed that those words can be easily ignore. Thanks alot <3

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    3. A “Twatwaffle”? Having never heard that term, I’m just curious, have some of us indirectly offended you?
      Does syrup help sweeten a Twatwaffle to make them easier to cope with? Lol

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    4. Wow, ABB. The people you describe – I am not going to dignify your juvenile insult by repeating it here – are some of the sweetest, most thoughtful women on this blog. You may not agree with what they say or how they choose to interpret HG’s behavior. But you can either respond in a respectful way, or here’s an idea: say nothing at all. Just try not to be the name you so casually toss at everyone else.

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    5. LOL say this to my face Anne Bell Black. I think not as you love the fact you can hide behind your keyboard and type BS. You really have a lot of yellow belly in you to insult anyone on here. But I suppose you are as classless as you write. Takes all kinds.

      P.S. HG If you will let others write such insults about your followers then I must move on. It is one thing if you enjoy insults tossed your way from followers, but I don’t appreciate the insinuation of it nor do I find it necessary. This is a sure sign of a person who clearly is referring to themselves.

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      1. Steeviann, I operate a policy of allowing people to express their opinions and allow them to do so at least the once. I think there is value that can be found in all posts and indeed your final sentence shows how you have found so with regard to this example. I did read the post as mainly directed at me although these was a sideswipe at others with the point being made. Where it is repeated and is evidently gratuitous it won’tbe posted and I have exercised this on a few times in the past. I am sure those who have been with me from the beginning will attest to the fact that I allow all voices in order to stimulate debate but I have not allowed protracted slanging matches or insults to dominate. We are dealing with an emotive topic, opinions are expressed with considerable strength of feeling and rightly so, but repeated ad hominem attacks are weeded out. Thanks for your input.

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    6. What makes you be so agressive towards the other commenters ? Is the name calling necessary ? I anyway thnk nobody identifies herself with twat waffle nor hoe nor bitch, so to those kind of words, closed ears but its just calls my attention why be so agressive ?

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      1. HAHA I came back from my home country where there are guards with six shooters everywhere so I thought I take out mine too…. although normally I think its better ignoring but just because of remembrance. Today is one week since I flew back.

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  6. My mother was a violent, sadistic borderline sociopath. Lee is the best male version of her of the types you’ve identified. Due to her abuse I developed Disociative Identity Disorder which made reading the account of your session with Dr E very thought provoking.

    Before and after realizing I had DID, I had no sense of self. My identity was based on whoever I molded myself after, whoever I wanted to impress and like me. I’d practice their mannerisms and create a reflection unconsciously. That served me well on and off for many years. In the absence of someone to be like, I felt a great void that I couldn’t and didn’t want to explore. I was afraid to face inside. I didn’t know ‘how to be’ and didn’t have the skills and energy to maintain a consistent public mask. Falling asleep as you’ve explained in a different post was nightmarish.

    The questions you were asked would have rattled me greatly for they’d have forced me to look into the emptiness beyond the fractured selves within me. Past the point where I would have to acknowledge there was more than one of me. To the great void that was to be avoided at all costs.

    Long before the movie Me, Myself and I came out, that was my signature. It wasn’t until well into treatment I realized it was an expression of how I viewed myself. As a multiple.

    I could see a similar identity struggle with the two shy covert narcissists I dated and that was part of the bond. Yet we were so different because I never got my empathy extincted thanks to my grandmother who loved me unconditionally until age 5 when she died and mother stepped in.

    Good luck HG. I wish your journey through therapy takes you to a place where if/when you get there, you’re satisfied with who you are. As mine did.

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    1. Hello CNM, thank you for sharing your experience and also for your kind sentiments. I am fortunate that I gained the skills quickly to ensure that I am able to survive and also to thrive which is clearly a consequence of my inherent brilliance.

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      1. You for sure will because you deserve only good things, independent what happened in your past. You dont live there anymore and what counts is the present <3

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  7. It seems to have been a very good session.😃. Your heart will tell you what you need to chamge amd what not. When you feel a disturbing force in you, listen to your hear and to your mind and them to you heart again for they will tell you if you want to remain where you are or not. Feel if you have the need to learn to explore other paths of life, with changed attitudes, and even chamged people.. Listen to what your hear tells you about those who seek to harm you.
    Only you and your heart will tell you if yes or not you want to change something in you, and God will give you the light to guide you and bring the right situations in your life so that you can accomplish this change 😘😘😍❤️

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  8. The defiler and conqueror are artifaces created by those around you? I disagree.
    In your childhood, power, dominance and verbal abuse reigned over you. Without a compassionate witness to counter this (your dad was a silent accomplice to this abuse), your psyche in order to survive had to conclude this was normal and nothing was wrong, so any painful feelings experienced did not really exist.
    But helpless, painful feelings pushed so far down into non-existence, if not felt, are then acted out, over and over. The “feeling” child in you became encased in a tomb of agony. The longer this part of you remained unrecognized, the more enraged it becomes, giving you more fury to act out.
    “As long as this child within is not allowed to become aware if what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen, and sensitivity to the humiliations of childhood will therefore be dulled.
    All appeals to love, solidarity and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing.” (Alice Miller, For Your Own Good, 1983).
    I believe the next time Dr. E asks who are you, he wants to talk and recognize little H.G.

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    1. Thank you Clarece. You will be interested by an up and coming article called “I want to be adored” in light of what you have written.

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      1. Always keeping me hooked to keep reading the blog! Can’t quite break away…

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  9. Can Narc accept “friends with benwfits” concept?
    I mean when there r 0 (zero) emotions invilved from my side?
    Recently i f*cked my ex narc. I just needed good sex.
    I dont feel anything regarding him. Neither positive nor negative emotions.
    I am totally i different and actually i am inlove with another man currently, but it does not work there.
    So, as i have difficulties to start sex with new partners (not that easy for me), i prefer to f*ck my ex narc from time to time. (I need only his cock, no conversations)

    How do u think if it could work?
    I see he was happy that i called him. But the 1st day i cancelled with him cozi stead i met that day a guy i like. (It seems the narc didnt like that hehh although i just cancelled with decent reason, obviousely i didnt tell him)

    So, just f*cking: possible or not?
    H9w i observe him, he tried to start his songs :i missed u bla bla, u were the best i had sex with, 8 couldnt get pleadure after u bla nla” but as i am not interested in this bulshit and only want him “in” hehhe
    I see not a lot of enthusiasm in him

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    1. He will want your emotional response because that is fuel. He may go along with it for a short period of time to use his interaction with you against somebody he is triangulating so he gains fuel from their reaction to his infidelity with you, but this will not last because he will want to draw fuel from you as well as her. If he is not with anybody else he will drop you quickly if you do not provide any emotive response arising from the sex. What do you do? Say nothing, make no noise and behave like a plank of wood?

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      1. He blocked me hahha!!))
        I spoke with him as an adult to adult, suggesting f*cking from time to time while my main partner (f*cker better to say) is travelling.

        And i broke my toe..
        Obviousely no any care from his side

        So… 1) he said his relative died
        2) blocked me
        (Although i was sooo polite and showed empathy to his situation. Hmm it cost me a lot coz i dont trust to any of his words)

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  10. Dear Everyone,
    Twatwaffle is a hilarious word. I thought I might try and use it in a sentence. I wondered about syrup on it as well….so here we go.
    The context that this was written in was not written to offend the blog community. HG was the direction I was headed. I 98% of the time direct at him. Therefore i kindly apologize to those who found it to be about them. The point I was making in a “crude” matter was that women in general whether to HG or to a Narcissist cannot win. It has to be the Narcissist Behavior that does. U cannot live up to a standard that is always changing. What makes the Narc this way? HG is kindly trying to enlighten everyone but only to a degree. He controls the blog. He answers what he wants, he posts what he wants, he is the Moderator. He exercises control in all things. The name calling……not directed at anyone in paticular here. I am sorry to anyone who thought I meant them personally. I did not. I used the words “on this site”, which should have been written “in this world.” Meaning women everywhere on earth. Women Whom the narc would love to step on and rip their hearts out. The reasons for women seeking out abusive relationships vary. But despite the reason women give, he, the narc, says he is hiding from the truth. He won’t give up the truth, either because he doesn’t know or does and doesn’t care. Please everyone put your torches and pitchforks away. I am not a monster. It’s about Narc behavior and the women who love them. I truly am sorry to offend anyone here. I hope you can see my true intentions.

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  11. I have several questions, Hg, I will make them as succinct as possible. For me, a difficult feat.

    Back in February/ March, I posed a question to you regarding disassociation in relation to my CN and yourself. You had stated you would address it with your doctors, in regards to your self and your NPD? Have you discussed it yet I therapy and what was the result of said discussion? As I do believe there is a definite and distinctive connection between disorders.
    I often wonder when I read where you refer to yourself In the third person in articles and replies. As you may recall my question months ago. Related to the possibility of an individual. With D.I.D. Have a narcissistic alter? As I originally thought CN had D.I.D. And not NPD. As well. He also has trademark sociopathic traits.

    My second question, relates to anti social personality disorder/ psychopathy. I would like to know how you determine the difference between this disorder and your own ? As well based on reading and understanding readers comments in the last month. If any individual who is aware they have this disorder would be willing to address themselves and how they see similarities and differences between themselves and NPD?
    I know you have addressed NPD extensively and sociopathy to some degree, but psychopathy, to my knowledge has yet to be addressed. This would be another incredible knowledgeable learning tool for readers to gain insight.
    Thank you HG.

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  12. I always maintain that I am not hiding from myself. I have confronted who I am head on and I understand nothing is going to change me.

    It’s others who want me to hide what I am because they can’t deal with it. It’s others who want to hide from me and what I am.

    Hide and seek. Hide and seek.

    They always have some kind of agenda and it’s disguised as helping and caring but the end goal is to instigate change to bring others a sense of comfort and well being. So they can stand back and say, “See we told you YOU were wrong.”

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    1. B&T there should never be shame in knowing and admitting what you are. To be aware. To that extent, what are you? I know you have said you are not NPD. But you often allude to something else. I have asked HG to expand on sociopathy and psychopathy, do you fall more inline with those two disorders. If you are comfortable enough to to discuss?

      I think if you were able to put into words more definitively what you see yourself as, readers would have a better understanding. Thusly, less animosity towards you. Just my opinion. I am proud of who I am, I have never caused harm to another and never will. I am accepting of those with illness and disorder and do my best to understand from varying perspectives, I have no hatred. I just want to accept and be accepted.

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      1. Hello Miss.

        I have made myself clear. While I appreciate your curiosity about me and relish the way it makes me feel, I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone here.

        I enjoy interacting with most everyone here. I like to participate and comment. But as I stated before numerous times – this is not my forum nor is it my place to enter into discussion about who I am.

        It is not what I consider myself to be it is what a team of doctors and shrinks have labeled me. They found me most interesting and it took them a while but consensus was eventually reached among them.

        I have no shame or discomfort. I am proud of who and what I am. I have been labeled and it is my mission to define my label. My label does not define me and it never will.

        I have only experienced animosity from a few people here and it is of no consequence to me. I consider the source for a nanosecond and then I move on. For the most part everyone has been kind and respectful thus earning my respect in return.

        I understand that in order to make sense of me you need to suggest that I am mentally ill or disordered. That is your shortcoming and that is for you to deal with. I am probably one of the most mentally stable, rational people you will ever meet which is, in itself, most disturbing.

        I am what I am and I have no interest in changing. I am here to engage and learn just like everyone else and I have been mostly courteous and respectful to everyone here.

        I respect your need to know in order to understand. The trouble is, it doesn’t matter to me.

        I accept you as you are despite not relating to you. I don’t call you mentally ill or disordered because you are an empath or were devastated by a narc or have your own issues to deal with. I would have thought you would afford me those same luxuries.

        I am what I am. Those who need to know know. I will leave it at that and urge you to do the same.

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      2. There is no need to project B&T, or feel criticised, As I was doing no such thing as you have stated above. I did not call you mentally ill or disordered, nor would I do so to anyone. Having worked In the mental health field for many years and having tremendous respect for all people, especially those I advocate on behalf of. For your information I suffer from. Anxiety and depression. We would be hard pressed to find anyone theses days who do not suffer from some form of M.I. I have no shame for myself, nor do i place it upon another. But if you read my message it was genuine concern, I do not care what your diagnosis is,to be fair, that is your private life to address if you felt comfort or to keep to your self. In reading how you refer to yourself as a what and a creature and like a narcissist but otherwise. It was based in those assertions made by you, I asked the question. Not to judge or criticise you for who you are. I apologize if offended you, as I had previously informed you I am a questioner. I had also read the blog. Over the past month and then reading back when I was away from the Blog, I saw your interactions with other posters. My intention was to breach that gap so to speak. Thank you for informing me that it not required. I apologize for you feeling offended. When there was no such intention on my part. I suppose that is the downfall to the written, word, it is open to interpretation and how we read, when we do not know the intention of the other person.
        I assure you, I meant no offence, I would have thought through our previous discussions you would have known that.
        I felt no need to insult you either, as I prefer respectful rapport.
        Thank you for clarifying response.

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      3. Hello again Miss,

        No worries about my being offended or feeling criticized at all by what you wrote to me. My reply was to the point and honest, but in no way did anything you wrote to me offend me.

        My comment regarding mental illness/being disordered sprung from your comment “I am accepting of those with illness and disorder” which suggests you may view me in such a light. I do not view myself this way at all. I never have and I never will. But I do understand that many feel the need to put me in the category of the mentally ill in order to make sense of me.

        I was not psychologically projecting anything at you, for in order to project, I would need deflect your statements away from me and attribute them to you, which I did not and will not.

        As I stated, I am respectful of those who are respectful of me. Our discussions have always been respectful, Miss, and I hope they will continue to be so in the future.
        🙂

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      4. Thank you B&T, I reread what I wrote and I understand now why you thought that. I was actually referring to myself and those I work with. I agree my wording was wrong and ambiguously expressed. I would not attribute that to you or anyone else. I need to take more time when writing and read what I write before I send it, that is my fault. Thank you for explaining to me. So I could look at it again. Tbh sometimes I need things pointed out to me to see them. Yes, I try to be respectful, I admit I fail sometimes in how I brooch things and my Need to question and understand. I do respect you and your right to privacy.
        I appreciate you taking time to reply and for us to discuss and move forward.I was concerned I offended you and often my over explaining tends to make matters worse.

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    2. B&T, for my own personal clarification, as a I can only speak for myself. I do not wish to instigate change, I wish to initiate acceptance. It also not about integration. If one is content In who or what they are, then they perceive no need for change. I am not fully content in myself. I need to change some aspects to make myself happier. So, I will work on that. Discussion facilitates that for me. I am an answer seeker. To each his/ her own, and that we all try to respect each other in our own journeys.

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  13. Mmmmm, moved and grateful to you being open enough for us survivors to witness your healing process (and battle) while at the same time you help us. I, like many others state hear, hope you continue to grow and uncover and so appreciate how damn hard that is too. Would it help if your sessions were more confidential, without having every detail shared back to your family? I know that is not the only factor in play here, as you have a wall that’s been built and strengthened for a very long time and has been very effective in protecting you For long time as well. Why would you want to give it up? It’s more convenient to say the good doctors have an ulterior motive…. It’s understandable. And, let’s go there….so what if that is true (even though I hope that’s not the case)? there’s a whole life on the other side of that wall too, and a level of greatness that you have not tapped into because you have walled that part off too. Who knows what’s on the other side and I hope you find out. Namaste

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    1. Hello IG, the feeding of information to them largely does not trouble me because they twist whatever I say to suit themselves anyway and it all shows that I am playing along by engaging with the good doctors, thus that is what they want to see. My mothers pays scant attention anyway because it is not about her, all she cares about is so long as this process continues then she regards it as exerting control over me. Let her think that because I have learned well and I am learning even more and I will emerge victorious and then she will be made to account for what she has done.
      You description of a wall is apt, I know the good doctors are trying to create peepholes in it to encourage me to see what is on the other side.

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  14. I realized I only commented regarding the other readers and not your post. So, guilty I return to do so.
    I won’t reply redundantly, as I extensively replied when this was previously listed many months ago.

    But, I wanted to say the image you used struck me quite intensely. The blue eyed boy. The shame, the Fear, the guilt. Were you blonde and blue eyed as a child? I was, my CN was as well, I loved the little boy that remained so much present inside him. Who knowingly interacted with me. Once he told me when he gets angry and explodes in tirade of words at me, to imagine a nine year old boy and not a man. I did and I always let the boy say what he needed to express without blame, guilt or shame. He admitted, once that the little boy loved me and knew I loved him. When I tried to engage conversation further, he diverted conversation. It felt to me a breakthrough of who he was now and in the past.
    He. Like you mostly chose to forget the past. But, HG, that little boy inside you is loved as well and I hear him, loud and clear. Always. He is not forgotten or hidden. Now matter how he is masked.

    I also wanted to take a moment to express this to you. And to say thank you for the good things you do for those who are virtual strangers to you. For the kindness you show your readers here who seek knowledge from you. You have generously helped many here In this blog cope with and contend with abusive situations. I have gained tremendous insight and enlightenment from your thorough and in depth replies to readers who have questions that relate to my own questions. Plus, from reading your blog articles and books. For which I will take with me for continued learning and awareness.
    That gratitude is genuinely expressed to you daily. Drink deep of that well of goodness.

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    1. Yes I was. Thank you for your kind words. I do not do what I do out of a sense of kindness but if that is how it is interpreted then that is a matter for you and others. I like to write about me and what I am, some things I write about are difficult to write but I am doing so as part of the ongoing process. I always enjoy the engagement with people as I like to read of people’s experiences, answer their questions and understand their responses also. Of course this provides me with a platform for the dissemination of my words and that suits me well. There are times when it is testing and were it not for the 5 rules there might be some different outcome, but this place has been created as an arena, an area where the ongoing battle between my kind and your kind is put to one side for the purpose of engagement and understanding.

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  15. HG, this is meaningful post. Thank you. Now I feel like having waffles with blueberries at the house of pancakes.

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  16. Do you think any differently since you posted this the first time back in February? When I read this post the first time, the 25 watt lightbulb suddenly grew by 175 watts. Truly illuminating. I’m gonna echo the post about you being the first N to kick narcissism in the ass. I almost posted that comment a couple times. Mental disorders are the sh*t, but you are the best at everything, no? Why not be the best at kicking that beast in the ass and telling it to sit and spin on your foot? That beast is winning. So much easier said than done though. I say this at the risk of overstepping bounds and I own it.

    Your 5 rules…I’m sure I’ve broken every one of them.

    I hope you heal. You are working on it.

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    1. I do think differently. The awareness has increased and I have made further connections between what has happened and what continues to happen.
      I see what you are doing in laying down a challenge in language I understand. I am moving forward so we shall have to see what develops, the process is continuing.
      I don’t see that the beast is winning, I am, I am keeping it at bay.
      You haven’t broken any of the rules, not that they exist if you get my drift wink wink.

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      1. The beast will not come. Like all of us here, we feel that we have advanced, that we got what we needed and wanted in a positive direction, like that it will be for you HG. The beast will not take over you to bring you in a downward path. You and us we have all gone a long learning pathway amd it will for sure not mean something else rather than positive for you . 😘🙏🏻❤️

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      2. My mind can only imagine what has happened and it makes me sick to my stomach. It continues to happen? Can I kick it in the ass and watch it spin on my foot?

        Good point by saying that you are winning by keeping your beast at bay…it’s really the best that can be done with mental disorders.

        Raises a nod nod to your wink wink. I get your drift…lol, HG!

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