Remembrance

Image result for date on fire

 

 

The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all). She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance. On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on. Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me. She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

 

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had one this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

 

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

 

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.

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79 thoughts on “Remembrance”

  1. “It’s been one week since you looked at me
    Cocked your head to the side
    and said I’m angry
    Five days since you laughed at me saying
    Get that together come back and see me
    Three days since the living room,
    I realized it’s all my fault, but couldn’t tell you
    Yesterday you’d forgiven me
    But it’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry.”

    The post reminded me of the above mentioned song. He was always amazed I recalled the day we first met and the day he first told me he loved me…..he mostly recalled my birthday, his retort was I am a man, what do you expect. I would wish him happy anniversary on the date. July 26th….well I would wait and see if he remembered, of course he didn’t. It passed and I did not call or message him. Still, resisting Hoover.
    Post script….to ex….Having wonderful time, don’t wish you were here.
    Vacation. All I ever wanted, vacation, happy to get away….

    Popping in and now out again…great and highly relatable post HG.

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    1. My ex loved that song and band. I never liked either. We went to a concert and people went nuts for that song. I wanted to shake the sh*t out of them and tell them to listen to the fn lyrics. He used to say it was funny when I was angry. He made comments like, “there you go”. Eventually I put my jaded face on, which made him angry. Two can drive on that street in spite of the one way sign.

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      1. I can’t stand that band….all but one song….oddly Called, wait for it…Jane 😏 and I much prefer Stephen Duffys version, he is so brilliant a lyricist. Loved his contributions, with Lilac Times.One of my faves, it is the ending of her day or the deal or a host of so many. Not sure if you know that singer, jaded1, he was original lead singer of Duran Duran, but in mind was far too intellectual and talented to remain there.
        You are exactly right, I always listen intently to lyric, so did my CN, why he chose certain songs he knew would effect me, positively or negatively.

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      2. The Lilac Time with good old Stephen “Tin Tin” Duffy or Stephen “Duff Duff” Tinny as his detractors would call him. I had an ex who loved the Lilac Time.

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      3. She had good taste 😊 I could dream away to his songs. I emailed him once, he replied back and asked to read some of my poetry. Imagine my excitement .

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      4. I was pleased….he replied as he did and conversed and showed interest. Now for the down side of this. Because I so love Cns poetry I sent him some of his, as well.
        The reply was disheartening, he informed that one of Cns poems was largely plagurizes from a Sandy Denny song…one I hadn’t heard before, although her music deeply resonates with me as well. I was embarrased and hurt all at once. I nevr told CN he replied back to or that I knew about that poem. It was the beginning of the end, I suppose. Knowledge is a dangerous thing. Btw he praised my poetry which is all original….but, I couldn’t register the praise through the hurt of CN deed. I nevr emailed him again. He did me huge favour though, in the scheme of things. Had I not been so proud of Cn, I would not have sent his poem, my favorite btw.

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    2. I don’t think I know the song Jane. My finger made haste and pressed the button to change the channel when their songs came on. The one week song was so ubiquitous, though. I scoped up the internet last night and if you believe the hullabaloo, the song is about someone who killed his partner and left her in their house. She ended up haunting him. I hope she did if it’s true.

      I don’t know of Stephen Duffy. Will have to check him out.

      That sucks about the song your Cn plagarized into a poem. A simple, “this song reminds me so much of you” would have sufficed, right? Nope. He had to “write” it.

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      1. Yes, it is vile in that song. I will further explain on the poem. CN and I both enjoy Sandy Denny, he would often send me her songs to my fb wall…..and we would share CDs and music with each other. The very first poem he wrote, not even months after being together. Flash forward, three years later , through sending his poems to find out integral lines from. His poem were from a Sandy Denny song. Which I immediately checked and found to be true. Not the entire poem, I assume. Some of the poem were his words. But , it then began to break the illusion, as to why he would do that. Why not just his own words, he is intelligent and so apt with writing. I suppose he figured I might nevr know, for. Such an obscure song. But, obviously fate had other plans in motion. It killed my soul. It was one of the first measures I felt of his love…..I don’t know why I nevr told him I knew…..I should have.
        Thank you 1jaded1

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    3. i don’t know 100%. Today is the anniversary that “Jaded” was born…she has no soul. She is my protector. Ironically I almost killed us bc of her protection. We coexist. We have tacit understanding. I’m not DID or BP. I think my soul is lost, hence the wp name. I can’t stop you from laughing.

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      1. I am not laughing at all, I nevr would laugh at such. When I first read I did think D.I.D. I understand what you mean Jaded. I don’t Believe your soul is lost, I think it is being guarded. As it needs to be. Thank you for explaining. If we need protecteur then whatever form it presents to us then that is a blessing. Indeed.

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  2. The two things that sticks in my mind that my Narc said to me during devaluation was: “Married women are the best because they are less likely to stalk you.” and “You’re not the woman I’m dating, you’re the woman I’m fucking. But you know I love ya!” These statements reverberating in my head is what makes it easy for me to go No Contact.

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    1. Ouch that hurts and is confusing that he says he loves you but treats you like a tramp not that you are with all respect I’m just posing what I would feel like if something like that ever happened to me and it did

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      1. It was confusing; and it was hurtful, Clary. That’s why when he took his ball and went home because I no longer played along, I felt like a thorn was taken off my side – tremendous relief. But you know, I am still very thankful for his presence in my life, such as it was. Two kinds of people come into our lives — either to bless us or to teach us a lesson. He taught me a lesson. I learned more about myself having gone through this experience than at any other time in my life — my strength, my tolerance level, what is acceptable to me and what isn’t, what my deal breakers in a relationship are, and most importantly, it strengthened my relationship with God. And for this, I will always be grateful to my Narc.

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      2. In the midst of all the pain, there are 10 principles that I learned and am trying to put into practice. Those are:
        1. Never again return to what has not worked.
        2. Never go back to doing something that requires me to be somebody else.
        3. Never go back to thinking that I can change someone.
        4. Never go back to trying to please other people.
        5. Never go back to avoiding short-term pain when it leads to long-term benefits.
        6. Never go back to being taken in by someone or something that looks perfect.
        7. Never again take my eyes off the big picture.
        8. Never again neglect to do due diligence.
        9. Never again fail to ask why I am where I am — what part did I play in my own misery?
        10. Never again forget that my inner life determines my outer success.

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  3. Wasteful. I know you drive it home as to why you do the things you do, however I still cannot wrap my brain around it. To be cruel to just be cruel to get a reaction, just seems so immature, working on low vibration, and you consider yourself an elite of this behavior, it literally is the snake under my shoe. There is nothing intelligent about this, any of this, and again the illusion of your kind that you have any intelligence, it is so base. Sorry HG, I just can’t stand this, I personally would want to be left alone, it is beyond me she would even reach out to you, honestly I would not reach to my ex if we did not have kids. I guess if there is always a willing participant….sigh…

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    1. It’s about fuel. We all get “fuel” from our interactions with narcs too. Very intensely, especially at the beginning during seduction and intentionally so in order to bind us and establish the “mix” and ever presence that he talks about. It appears to be particularly effective with this one. Just as their tendrils are connected to us, so too can we reach along them to seek another taste of the narc who bound us.

      Seduction, devaluation, hoovering, all of these interactions activate us to generate that fuel for the narc. Our bodies and minds are stimulated and we give intense physical and emotional reactions, while within us massive chemical loads are released depending on the situation. We may not be happy about it (during devaluation/discard), or we might be thrilled (during seduction), but that stimulus and resulting positive/negative energy serves to feed us more of those chemicals during the relationship. It is highly potent and addictive. It will facilitate further bonding (or trauma bonding) which will persist regardless of attraction, desire, or love. That can last for a very long time if not indefinitely.

      And so she remembered an anniversary and reached out along his tendril to be reactivated and flooded with another moment of intensity.

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      1. I understand, from my own experience indeed. This is where victim turns to volunteer, no less?

        I understand the dance and purpose of the dance from both spectrum’s, I can no longer understand the desire of it by both parties once it’s understood.

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      2. Interesting point CC, yet the power of emotion in one of those parties over logic, means that the pull is so difficult to resist is it not?

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      3. Yes you are correct HG. Emotion is a drug, secreting chemicals into the brain and the body. The pull to extract emotion from a person who will evoke it, is difficult to resist. Make no mistake I am aware I will fight the ache, the urge to seek someone to evoke emotion in me, as I logically know it’s harm, I have quit this drug and I will continue to battle a relapse for the rest of my life, I get that.

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  4. Have u ever made someone cry during sex out of psychological intensity? Do you think one day you will be able to cry? Do you see crying as a weakness for yourself? None of those questions are rhetorical. 🤖

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  5. HG, will there be a sequel to this tale? As much as I squirm in uncomfortable recognition, your way with cliffhangers is going to keep me and probably a lot of people here on the edge of our seats.

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  6. This is a very good read…. Thank you HG reminds me when I had left for the 2nd time…. Constant hoovering but when I came back the ghosting started. I had no idea what was happening earlier this year. I did the same Jane did….

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  7. HG, have you had any thoughts on how I can get him to Hoover , without resorting to this ? Contacting him I mean , I don’t want to do that ? Or if anyone out there has any ideas with all your experience ? Mine has never chased ?

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    1. Hello Lisa, see my observations under another post and then let me know it you accept what I explain in order to bring about this hoover.

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      1. HG, yes I guess there’s no other way than me just contacting him which I really didn’t want to do. I’m also going to a social event this weekend where his sister will be and I got in very well with her and she was very supportive of me and she doesn’t know what he is. He curbs his behaviour around her and although she knows he is to blame for all these non committal relationships over the years she just sees it as him being a victim . I do not want to ignore her at this event , shall I speak to her and if his name comes up just not engage in conversation about him ?

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      2. There are other ways Lisa just so long as you understand that HE will regard it as you contacting him. You don’t need to visit him or telephone him. You could just enter one of the spheres through a message on social media which he will pick up or by talking to his sister at the social event because she will feed back to him that she has seen you and this may well precipitate a hoover. By all means speak to her, she is clearly brainwashed and part of his façade but if you want to come up on his radar speak to her. To avoid giving him fuel, don’t talk to her about him.

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      3. Hi HG, I think my problem is dealing with the fact that we live in a small town and I will see his family from time to time at social places within the town and I really don’t want to be acting odd around them as this just plays into the whole thing of him being able to write off yet another psyco girlfriend . His family are lovely people and they do not understand the more sinister side of his nature. They know he’s a nightmare but they don’t really get it , just as I did not either. The whole relationship with him has venn painful and very damaging to me , but I have to try to find away to move on and not feel like I am still participating in his games. I personally feel like blocking etc is still testing to him. Although I do appreciate that other victims have no choice in the matter. This is why after 3 months of no contact I have unblocked and he could have come to my house anyway so it’s all nonsense really. My feeling toward him is that he has this disorder and it’s not his fault and I am sorry that this is how he has led his life. We knew each other as kids and there is a sentiment in that for me. I do not excuse his deliberate lies, cheating , gaslighting , manipulating, back handed out downs and everything else however I have come to understand that this is not really personal to me this is his disorder and how he manages it. He is a child and a monster rolled into one. I would like to make my peace with him. To actually take the game out of the equation . So if I see him or his family I can just feel normal and not be carrying this with me emotionally . It’s not about saying to him all of your behaviour is ok it’s just about saying that I see it all now and it’s really over in my head. He always said to me you will never understand how I am because I don’t understand myself. Whether this is true or not I don’t know but he is def a lesser or mid. But I feel like I would just like to have a conversation with him about this and it’s not about blame it just is what it is. What I don’t want is him reading something into everything that I may say to his sister or something I put on social media or if I bump into him. I also don’t want him to Hoover in 3 months or 6 months raking all this up again. If I could speak to him and just close this door for both of us by letting him know that I know it’s done and impossible . Do you think he would respond to this kind of conversation . This is more about me moving on and not feeling uncomfortable in the town I live to even go to social places due to him and his contacts and I certainly don’t want him thinking in his self absorbed magical thinking we are having some kind of psychological warfare . He thinks everything is a game and by me talking to him I hope to burst that bubble and just stop it all and say it is what it is. He has his disorder he has to live with everyday and I’ve learnt something from all of this as painful as it is. What are your thoughts on me initiating this kind of talk with him. To draw a line under it

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      4. I understand where you are coming from and what your intentions are. It may be done from your perspective but it never is from ours. The things you wish to achieve are precisely the type of thing that we hope for because it means you cannot let go. You tell yourself that you want to draw a line under it, yet you feel that you can only do so, by having that last conversation with us, only it never is the last one, because we will not let it be the last one. We will hoover in the future and in this conversation we will say and do things which will cause you to want to come back and ask again so you have clarity. He will ready what he wants into what you post on social media and say to his family. That is the way he operates and you cannot alter what he thinks. If you post something, he will take it a certain way, if you do not post anything, he will take it a different way. Whatever you try to do we will always twist and turn so we gain the advantage. By all means be civil with his family, that is fine. Don’t talk about him to them. They will tell him that they saw you and he will ask “did she mention me” and they will confirm you did not and this will feel like a criticism to him but that is his issue not yours. Your issue is that you want to be okay with his family. Do that. If you want to avoid him hoovering then stay out of the first five spheres of influence. There is nothing you can do about the 6th but he may concentrate on other fuel sources and if he does not, you know how to deal with his hoover attempts. The best way for you to make your peace with him is to have nothing to do with him, we rely on you waiting to make your peace with us, but this all part of the manipulation and it is still affecting you.

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      1. Exercise, my ass. She had it installed for one reason only: to try to impress you and “outsexy” every other girl who came before. Obviously it worked. 😉

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      2. Hahahahaha oh boy ideas are flowing ….. I have a machiavelic mind also yes I have a dark side hahahaaaaaa

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  8. This really resonated. This piece just seems so hateful for no reason. This one makes me mad at you.

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  9. MS, yesssss that song. I thought the same thing! Almost 1 month no contact!!!! Woo hoo! Thank you, Mr, Tudor!

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  10. There are very few very few times when after reading a posting nothing came to my mind to comment. Of course besides that is perfectly written..
    I just cant imagine somebody telling me so much I hate you and then I love you…
    Its incredibly destructful..
    I mean its something else when in the middle of a discussion you say to somebody I hate that you do this and that, but to tell I hate you and then I love you..
    Then I would run asap.. I would not have had to understanding anything before, no SAM Vaknin, no HG school., i would just accelerate and drive away..
    Not the words I hate you in the middle of a relationship.,

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      1. I’ve been driving him crazy like a good antinarcicust I am and thanks to you and others I’ve managed quite well to torture destroy him and break his heart and all hopes of my love so he had no reason to feel anymore fuel over me for I pulled the carpet under his feet just like he did to me hahahaaaaaa revenge couldn’t be sweetener not only was I able to achieve that but I literally killed his primary source oh I’m so darn good I am scared if myself ….. NOT HAHAHAHA

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      2. A real magician never truly reveals their secret but it was successfull indeed 😈 Life is so much sweeter now I’ll get over it I’ve certainly gotten over a lot if men in the past he’s certainly not the exception he wasn’t that great to me you’re priorities change in the middle of abuse and I feel like I’ve beaten even the best therapist in town

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      3. I didn’t break no contact I just barked at him to stop his insane hoovering mixed with the mother of all mocks which I cannot absolutely possibly tolerate at all whatsoever women all kind if women have pride which I’m glad to wear learned it from my grandmother and barking at him because I know how to rant back without sounding like a bag that’s how good I’m at which I’m good at and it drives him crazy since his ego is in my hands all part of the plan well achieved I’m a magician and I’m the greatest to him I say bow at me bow dog you see they don’t stop ranting me and I think I made their car crash so yeah…. It’s called exploting the exploders right backvat ya honey so they could learn a lesson I think they’ll stop now come side ting I gave them a very big hit hahahaaaaaa welcome to my world fool

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    1. I deserve a well deserved very good vacation I would like to go to Thailand I heard is a great country and I do love to adventure I’m not adventurous be t I like adventures I mean in the Advevturuous personality that’s not me that’s my sister

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  11. Sometimes it is better not to remember for it is too painful I miss both Heath ledger as my ex but I do love talking to you people I feel like I’m speaking in a British accent and I love to practice it in from the Caribbean and Inman English tutor that’s why my English is so fluent s d sophisticated my accent is American perfect in real life but I do like to speak in a British accent for fun my sisters love it as well though

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