Getting Away With (And How To Deal With It)

 

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There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?

  1. It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
  2. We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
  3. We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mindset makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
  4. We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
  5. Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
  6. The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
  7. Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
  8. We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
  9. We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
  10. There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.

 

Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.

  1. Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
  2. The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
  3. We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
  4. Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
  5. The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
  6. Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
  7. The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
  8. Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
  9. You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
  10. It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.

It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.

The key for you to remember is this.

It is an appearance.

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92 thoughts on “Getting Away With (And How To Deal With It)”

  1. Its not often that you write something which falls common to all my exes.. But this one does.. i thought life is good for them..
    But Sometimes I suspected the appearance fact..
    Anyway I am happy that they are happy..
    Excellent post 😃

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  2. 1. Old fuel is of no use to you?
    Yes it is, for the countless hoovers you will attempt to do.
    After this weekend, being hoovered all day on Sat, again, it is truly fascinating now how this works. I just can’t put my finger on if this if it is benign or malign. I seem to be unforgettable. Replacements don’t match up to my “Super Tanker” fuel levels or he really would be content with his replacement(s).
    Ya’ll are attached to us too in your own twisted way. You can’t bear to think of us having that adoring fuel for someone else.

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      1. But, but, but, and the sky is blue unless it suits you one day to be purple. The rules can change daily, hourly or by the minute. Pish! You CRAVE the comfort you feel falling back in with someone you know who loves you even if you don’t understand it, just like we don’t understand your silent treatments or how our diminishing fuel is interpreted as a criticism. Fuel is fuel. You want that person’s attention and hate the thought of losing it.

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      2. The sky is whatever I say it is and you know that to be the case.

        I crave the fuel spilling from someone who is utterly desperate to be with me once again, despite everything that has happened or the fuel that pours from someone who has tried to get away but finds my allure too great to resist and folds.
        The fact I know them just makes it easier to know how to unleash that marvellous hoover fuel.
        Now, go and stand in the corner for your impertinence Clarece, you are being too belligerent!

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      3. I’m fine Nikita. He’ll have to deal with me sooner or later. Nobody puts Baby in the corner (for all the Dirty Dancing fans, lol)

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      4. I am still laughing (not that I am letting you see though) at your use of pish in your earlier post, are you Glaswegian all of a sudden?

        Now, stop turning around and disturbing Nikita.

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      5. Now you really ought to know better by now than to write something like that to me MLA.

        200 lines. “I must not project my own failings on HG.”

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      6. There’s no failings to project though. You are mistaken. (Insert ML poking her tongue out, again).

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      7. Awwww snap! You just wrote above how you’re laughing at my comments. Busted you on your first fib Mr. Serious Pants.

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      8. You can always duck out of class early Nikita if it’s getting too hot in the kitchen. 😂

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      9. Oh, a virtual timeout. Awesome! Just know from my virtual corner, I’m poking my tongue out at you and making paper airplanes. Belligerent? Nah…feisty is more suitable.

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  3. Read it twice.. This is such a helpful piece of work.. If I would have read this 6 years ago when I understood my marriage would not work.. I am sure many readers will feel a sense of peace , even if for some minutes while they read..

    I liked the part of focus on deleting us from your life.. Wise words and very true..

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  4. Thank you for the brilliantly written post above. You always manage to pack it so full of information I need to mull over it a little bit.

    I do have one question though (Yes. Again.)
    I’ve been reading your blog from your first entries all the way to your last. You’ve posted quite a lot. During this time I’ve noticed that your writing has improved significantly. You are way more insightful into your own behavior and motivations now (or maybe you always were and you’re sharing it more nowadays?) than you were back when you started. You show a level of self knowledge few people in this world have ever achieved, let alone were able to communicate in such a beautiful, insightful and highly intellectual way. On top of that you’re able to crawl into the skin of your victims and communicate exactly what they’re feeling and thinking from their point of view.

    I just don’t understand one thing, if you know how the cogs in your head are spinning, don’t you think it’s a little ‘primitive’ to still be dependent on all this fuel? Is there no ‘Narc evolutionary level’ in which you won’t have to function like this anymore?

    Guess those were 3 questions…. O.o

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    1. Thank you MF, I am pleased you find what I write of use.

      Yes I am more insightful as a consequence of the ongoing work and I am also learning to share more (there is plenty more to come believe me).

      My reliance on the fuel is the way I have been created. The way I look at it is that my awareness has refined the process by which I am able to obtain it, make me super-efficient at doing so.

      I take your point though. Whether there is something I will move to beyond the way I now operate is clearly something that the good doctors are trying to move me towards and we shall have to see what comes of it. Naturally I shall keep you appraised of developments in that regard whilst lifting the lid on the way our kind operate and behave.

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      1. I find it of great use actually.
        I don’t think there’s a way to completely get rid of the need for fuel. In a way empaths need a kind of fuel as well, how else would you explain why we feel better after helping other people?
        Perhaps not the fuel, but the intention makes the difference.

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      2. You make a valid point MF, I have read numerous times about empaths feeling they have a form of fuel as well,obviously different from the fuel my kind requires but a form of fuel nevertheless. I think that is right and also the potential that my kind shows for being “healed” or “repaired” presents quite a fuel opportunity to the empath.

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      3. I think it’s a kind of fuel yes, though it feels more like “life energy”. Maybe, just as with Narcs, there’s different types of empaths as well. I can imagine healing a Narc would feel different than for instance a healing hurt animal or child. There’s certain actions that definitely are more rewarding for me than others. There’s certain types of Narcs that drain me more than others. Quite interesting actually, never really thought of it before in this way.

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      4. It’s not intention. It’s a conscience that makes the difference. Intention is merely the result.

        Is your conscience what’s bothering you when you run low on fuel? Is that the beast inside of you driving your need for fuel?

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      5. Interesting.
        No one is born with a devil inside of them you know, that creature has an origin. Ever tried to completely deplete yourself of fuel for it to come out? Aren’t you curious how it looks like?

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      6. No I haven’t allowed my fuel to deplete. Hearing it and feeling it from time to time has been sufficient. I am considering however as part of the work for The Creature, isolating myself with no method of communication in order to lower my fuel levels and to then convey the experience for the purposes of this important work.

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      7. Even a few months ago, if asked that very question, you would not even consider it. I’m seeing you gradually opening up and evolving thru this process, with a willingness to try something and see what the experience may bring. It doesn’t mean you will have change forced upon you. It just means you may find another layer to yourself that can exist and interact with people that brings you peace.
        Keep going!!

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      8. This is probably the first and last time I will ever hear this. I’m going to relish this moment, forever!!!!

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  5. HG, I was reading this post and reflected on something my ex n once said! I didn’t think about it until I read your post. He told me once that he never dated or gets involved with women in his town! None of his exs ever lived in his town! Even his new one lives about 40 minutes away! Xxx

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      1. Thats exactly what jhm said to me – big red flag , i was blind – still blurry but thats my heart pulling me

        Wish you knew how shattering this is HG – buy from your side you feel the same , i think – when your fuel is low 😔

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  6. HG,
    Awesome post! I have shared this plenty! Thank you for cleaning the glass, letting us peep through that window again in to your world!
    X

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  7. HG. There you go demonstrating empathy again. 😈. Seriously.

    Thank you. This was particularly insightful and compassionate of you. I’m saving this for revisiting time and again. It is fuel for no contact.

    ❤️ ❤️

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  8. Dear Acme Balloon Manufacturing,

    Thank you for your kind words of teaching me how to cope. Thank you for blowing hot steamy air into my ears. Thank you for helping me see that the balloon was something festive to look at, to decorate with, a form of latex to use to beautify your surroundings. Thank you for helping me understand that eventually all balloons manufactured from your plant will deflate if left alone. Thank you for helping me see the signal that the party is over. I will no longer bring pins to your manufacturing plant. I might accidentally poke holes in the balloons or accidentally poke you. This behavior will not do, I know. Thank you for the fun times I had at the plant. The tour was wonderful and my tour guide was intelligent, nice looking, informative and humorous. I will miss him, but there will always be a new plant and a new tour guide.
    Love & Success to You Always HG,
    Me

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  9. Brilliant, insightful post, HG. Am overwhelmed by so many thoughts right now and keep re-reading it trying to digest it all.

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  10. I had snark response coming from the title…in the form of a song by Electronic. After reading…I just say thank you for answering and your reader for posing the question?… Snark can wait for another time.

    It is an appearance.

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  11. If our problem narc wasn’t the mother of my husbands children we would have already left her in the dust. They are 9 and 11. They hate going every other weekend just to be controlled but what can you do when you are forced to keep her in your life? She is described perfectly in this blog. She has a big sense of self entitlement and definitely loves portraying parent of the year in public. She controls my stepsons Facebook page and changed his password so he can’t get in it and leaves picture quotes of how special he is, although she gives him no attention when he’s there. He’s actually the child she chose to blame everything on and the daughter is portrayed more love. How can we all escape her? Is it even possible?

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    1. The reality is you cannot truly escape any interaction with her owing to the necessity of interaction with her as mother of your step children. It is always difficult for those who have children with our kind for two main reasons. First the ongoing connection and secondly the impact on the children in the machinations of our kind. The children remain too young to be influenced in any meaningful way by you as to what their mother is. They just would not understand. You have two available options. Modify your interaction and your husband’s interaction with her so it is minimal and next to no fuel is given – see Escape, Fuel and the Devil’s Toolkit to assist you in that regard and look out for Defender which will be available in due course. Secondly, you positive influence over the children will need to outshine her negative behaviour. Ultimately a combination of the two will protect the children until they can work it out for themselves.

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      1. Can I get these in paperback? Like I see right through her bullsh*t but most don’t even understand what she’s truly capable of. The kids see how she acts in public though and once they are in private with her, shown no love. She tries to impress and portray love to random people and aquantamces rather than the ones she’s suppose to care about the most. It doesn’t take much for me to snap bc I have more of a bipolar personality so it’s extremely hard to shut up and not feed her fuel. It burns me up!!

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  12. I have read and reread your articles over the last few weeks….trying to wrap my mind around it all. I’m trying to escape but the honeymoon phase was so overwhelming and wonderful. He came in my life just as I went thru a divorce and my dad’s received a cancer diagnosis, and swooped me up and made me his princess. I just feel too weak now 3 years into but your articles give me strength.
    Thank you sincerely!

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  13. I’ve just read “Revenge” (having read at least 6 of your other books HG), and it made me feel GREAT! Thanks!

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      1. I will write a review…no problem there. My only concern is that I won’t be able to execute a lot of there revenge tactics in person (Once I’m fully ready and prepared to do so) as I’ve gone No Contact by moving (coincidentally) across the world from my ex. and only learning that she is a Narc once I got here (from your books). I intend to return to my ex’s country and town of residence later this year but wonder if just by showing up, strong and resourceful, being seen by her friends (probably lieutenants) that it will induce a hoover and therefore face to face contact (which I feel confident I’ll be able to handle from a “Core Principle” point of view). Its like the veil has been lifted from my eyes and I see her for what she is. Armed with (increasing amounts of) knowledge I am very keen to give her a taste of her own medicine. Is there anything I can do to increase the likelihood of a hoover?

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      2. Thank you.

        You have implemented No Contact in a formidable fashion as a consequence of your move across the planet. Are you able to build your defences to keep her from contacting you through technology?

        Your re-appearance at some point will in all likelihood bring about a hoover. In terms of wanting to cause a hoover, then keep your eyes peeled for the forthcoming blog article about that very topic.

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      3. Thanks HG for your reply, your blog, books and answers to my questions mean a heck of a lot to me….they’ve really helped me find peace and strength.

        I have not been contacted by my Narc since I left for overseas…I made the mistake of telling her I was leaving (not knowing then that she was a Narc) and my (unwitting) No Contact became a Disgcard as she quickly found a new partner and ran me into the ground the last couple of weeks before I left. From your books I have identified her as a Lesser (possibly Mid-Range) Victim narc which would imply that I should not expect too much in the way of effort Hoover wise which would account for my quick replacement. That’s why I’m concerned that I won’t be Hoovered when I return to execute revenge.

        The central point that does puzzle me though, and I haven’t yet found the answer in your works, is that she told me more of less from the start that she only wanted to be friends (that she already had a boyfriend) because lack of chemistry between us. This only spurred me on more to be with her and I was the one doing the normal equivalent of the Seduction Hoover to her…being kind, caring, loving, buying her gifts etc….and she fained little interest. Played hard to get etc…Knowing that she is a Narc and therefore doesn’t want to expend energy seducing a victim, what better way than to get the victim to do all the work! I was thinking that this might be one difference between male and female Narcs in that the latter group can use socially expected norms to have the male victim do the chasing.

        Under the impression of just being friends and trying to change her mind to be more than friends, i received little in the way of a Seduction Hoover from her as you describe it in your books. No expressions of love or adoration but rather a reluctance to want to go out on a date with me (which she finally did dressed down and drab…no hint of romance).

        Nevertheless as time passed (within a few weeks) I still fell head over heels in love with the illusion of her wonderful qualities which fired my desire to care for and protect her (Victim Narc). We were intimate and I went through the cycle of devalue and discard.

        The question I still can’t answer is; was I just a friend or was I an intimate partner …or a secondary source? And the reason I want to know is that my role (in her eyes) will effect the likelihood of a follow up hoover.

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      4. Hello Magia, I am pleased that my work has been of use to you.

        I think that if you make yourself available in the spheres of influence when you do return, you will prove too juicy an opportunity for her not to hoover you. I suspect she will not bother at present because you are so far away and she has found a new primary source, but if you make it easy for her, she will.

        I think your analysis of the seduction is accurate. She targeted you however and identified that all she had to do was present herself as the prize and you would do the spadework in order to win her over. Presumably she is physically attractive and probably fizzes with sexual allure? She evidently has something which she knows she has and all she has to do is present it and then you will chase after her. She also identified that you like the challenge, that you wanted to prove there was chemistry between you and that you wanted to woo her and win her over. She was testing you during this period by pretending to show no interest in you, knowing that if you continued the pursuit that you would fall heavily for her and indeed you did.
        You were an intimate partner and she probably vacillated between you and the boyfriend (assuming he existed). She knew because you are a decent and honest person that you wanted to prove your worth to her and once you did so, you would be tightly bound to her and thus she would allow you access to her as your prize as she drew in all the huge amounts of fuel you were providing during your pursuit.

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      5. One of his best and as valuable as “Fuel” with learning about their different pillars!

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  14. HG, just read “Sitting Target” and read your wonderful explanation of the Victim Narc in which you describe their Seduction Hoover, which explains why I received the ‘toned down’ Hoover which played on my sympathies rather than dazzle me with love. So, my earlier question is partially answered already thanks.

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  15. HG just stumbled upon this article. I am so tempted to send to my ex narcissist gf but I’m trying to go nc so probably not smart after many failed attempts at my successfully going nc in 3 years. I think she now laughs or marks on her calendar when I will call again. Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you have ever loved someone or told a lover that and believed it yourself?

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    1. I have told people that I loved them. Often. It is part of the seduction. I used to believe that I did until I realised that what I believed as love was different to what they believe I love. I would not send the article tempting as it might be. She probably will not see if in the way you have intended and of course it will break your NC.

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      1. Are you ever happy in a relationship. .In other words,  I was with mine over 3 years.  We both went outside of our marriage but then we both separated from our spouses.  She promised me a future together with her that she would never leave. Of course she never really ended it but distanced herself to the point where I did.  Just wondering if anyone who is a narcissist stays happy long in a relationship or was 3 years long since we both were still legally married? 

        Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

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      2. I do not do happiness in the way that you do. It is more a case of being satisfied with the provision of fuel from the relevant appliance that has been chose as part of the relationship.
        There will be instances where the golden period can last a number of years. It depends on the type of narcissist and the victim. If the victim is providing quality fuel, appropriate characteristic traits and residual benefits and the narcissist has lower energy levels then the golden period can last for a longer period of time. There is also the situation where a narcissist may be conducting external activity unbeknownst to the victim who thinks that everything continues in a “good vein”.

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  16. You mentioned how old fuel is no good. When does a person go from being good fuel to old fuel. In other words, what makes you end a relationship with someone who is giving you good love and awesome sex?

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    1. I don’t end the relationship if the fuel is potent. I do not end it when the positive potent fuel wanes, I seek out the potent negative fuel. It is only when both are no longer supplied in the manner required Debbie, that the relationship ends.
      When I refer to old fuel I mean historic fuel, fuel that was gathered and used and therefore no longer exists.

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