The Hex on the Ex
The ex-partner. There will always be one when you engage with our kind because we accumulate them in the same way that people buy clothes, easily, frequently and prone to being in or out of fashion. We will readily forget about an ex as if they had never existed or resurrect them in order to prove what we had to endure before you came along or to remind you that you have fallen from grace and we should have stayed with your predecessor. The ex-partner is a staple ingredient in any of the triangulations which we deploy with you. You never know the truth about our ex partners from what we say. You may speak to themselves at some point and learn the truth, possibly even allying with one another but we will busy with the new person, focusing on the replacement, happy to forget the exes or pedal more lies about them. Here are six of our favourite and typically contradictory lies about our exes.
- I was abused by them
Straight out of the gates and tearing along Sympathy Highway is the frequent refrain of how badly we have been treated by your predecessor. She or he was a monster, horrible and heartless. I treated him or her so well, like a prince or princess, giving that person so much love and attention and all they ever did was throw it back in my face. I gave them my all and I got nothing back but abuse. Violence, sexual humiliation, financial ruin, name-calling, silent treatments, you name it, I was subjected to it. My massive dose of projection is aimed at smearing the predecessor should they ever come near to you and attempt to convince you that I was actually the abuser. I also want you to feel sorry for me and with that delicious empathic nature of yours want to protect me from the beast, that harpy, that vicious ex who harmed such a precious and wonderful person such as me.
- I was trapped by them
She or he knew they were on to a good thing when they met me. I am a good person, always looking to help people, think the best of them and do the right thing. I have always been regarded as a catch of course and I know you will agree with me as I tell you that someone like me, beautiful, intelligent, well-read, urbane, successful, well-paid, entertaining and magnetic is quite the trophy. I can see you nodding in agreement. I don’t ask for much because I am giving and tolerant and I think they knew that about me because he or she took advantage of my better nature and trapped me as soon as they could. They made me move in with them/they moved in with me. They made me buy a house with them. They proposed to me within two weeks of meeting. I became pregnant/she fell pregnant within moments. I didn’t mind because I am such a firm believer in love but now when I look back I realise that I was take for a ride. They wanted to trap me and they did this by co-habiting/marrying/having a child so soon after meeting. I am not one to shirk my responsibilities and I stood by them notwithstanding how horrible they were to me once they knew I could not leave. Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with moving in so soon or becoming engaged within weeks or conceiving in a matter of a month of two of meeting, but it has to be with the right person hasn’t it?
A massive reversal of roles as I tell you the truth of what has happened with the ex but reverse the roles and then use it to lay the ground for doing the same to you, with your blessing.
- They are crazy
I have to warn you about my crazy ex. She is obsessed with me. She won’t leave me alone. She checks my social media profile, I know, because my friends tell me and she uses fake profiles to leave me messages and comments. I would close my profiles down but why should I because that would be letting her win wouldn’t it? I She hangs around outside where I work and follows me to my house. She will probably try and speak to you and no doubt tell you lots of lies about me. Don’t believe a word of what she says. She just cannot get over the fact that I finished with her and she cannot let go. She has to know what I am doing because her life is so empty. She lives through me you see, but don’t worry, I know what she is up to and I will deal with her at the suitable time. You have no need to be afraid as I will look after you, but I felt it only right to warn you because she will obviously try and split us up, not that that is going to happen is it? Good, I am glad you nodded and smiled. She is totally off the scale.
More projection and smearing of the ex in order to keep the truth of my behaviour from you, paint them as the Crazy One and bind you closer to me as I appear to be the heroic defender.
- Better than you
I don’t know why I got with you. You treat me far worse than my ex. I should have stayed with him or her and never bothered with you. You just annoy me all the time. Not like her or him. He or she was wonderful, interesting and thoughtful and he or she loved me more than you could ever do. I don’t know why I let you lead me away from them, I must have been put under some kind of spell. Is that what you did? Did you charm me away from them in order to make us both unhappy? What a horrible person you are. She or he is a better cook/worker/entertainer/person/lover/parent/host than you. I must have taken leave of my senses when I chose you over them. You should look at them and learn from them and perhaps, just perhaps you might make amends for what you have done and make me happy again. I should go back to them, but why should I give you the satisfaction of hurting me again. I am going to make you work hard and give you a chance, because that is the type of person that I am, to make amends for the horrible thing you have done. You have a chance to make it up to me and to try harder. What are you waiting for?
- I still love her
I still love her. I do. Sometimes you meet somebody who has that effect and you have made me realise that I still love her, more than I love you. I know that may sound harsh but if you can take one thing away from you and I and that is that you have helped me realise what I truly feel and what I need. You will always have my thanks for that. I know this may hurt you but you should take solace from the fact that you have done something good and made me realise what is worth fighting for. I must go and win her back and tell her that I love her. I am sure you can find happiness for yourself somewhere but it is not with me. I know you love me, I am easy to fall in love with, but I want someone else more than I want you and you should know by now, I don’t accept second best. So, I am going to go now and be with the one I truly love.
Of course I don’t love anybody at all, but if this artifice brings fuel from you and from her, then I will say whatever is needed won’t I?
- She still loves me
What can I say? She loves me still and I suppose you shall just have to get used to that being the case. You should understand because I know how much you love me and she is the same. I guess we will just have to live with the fact that she will keep reaching out to me, wanting me and trying to come between us, but I know I can count on you to stop that happening can’t I? No, there is no need to approach her, I think it would only be upsetting, for both of you. I know, I cannot help but care about you both, for you are both special to me, but leave her be, let me handle it. The best thing that you can do is love me more than she does, adore me more than she does and do everything in your power to keep me here. It shouldn’t be hard should it, given I love you so much.
She actually hates me and never wants to see me again but there is nothing wrong with incentivising you to submit to my control and give me more fuel is there?
43 thoughts on “The Hex on the Ex”
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HG I’ve held out all week since the birthday message but I’ve had to go into it this morning because other people have messaged me on there . Just normal messages . One from a friend in America that uses whatsapp to contact me and this is regarding work. I’m not going to never use it again because of him. So he will know I’ve seen the message today if he looks . I know he will get fuel. But if I just ignore the message at least he knows I’ve seen it and ignored ? Which is something isn’t it ? Being able to see it and ignore is still some message to him isn’t it ? That he is being ignored . Ignored fuel ?
NO such thing as ignored fuel. He may derive some Thought Fuel from knowing how you will react to a message being received from him and him knowing you have seen it, but if you do not react there will be nothing more that he can gain from it.
HG thank you , after 3 and half months of no contact the little birthday Hoover and me seeing it and ignoring it . Please tell me that will at least annoy him ? Even a tiny bit ? Even though he couldn’t care less and is only bothered about his next holiday as I’ve emailed you about . I almost feel like ignoring is giving him a reaction ? I wouldn’t ignore anyone else . It’s like he’s being ignored because he still has an affect on me ? Wouldn’t just answering like he’s just the same as anybody else be better (indifference). Just like a Yeah thanks had a busy week . The end . I feel like ignoring is a reaction ? Answering like he’s the same as anyone else is indifference ?
Yes he will have been irritated by your ignoring him. Indifference is fine but by doing so you are risking being exposed to his manipulations and giving a reaction. By ignoring him you are protecting yourself and moreover we hate being ignored as that amounts to a criticism.
Gem I hear you . I was set up like this all exes were nuts so when narc does stuff all the time you just tolerate it or barely react because you don’t want to look like a nutter .
If I had known what I know now when I was with him it would have been very different story to how I would have handled him.
OK, a quick question for HG: You said I “wounded” him. Does that mean he wont hoover again since I did wound him and his ego? And, if you would a narcissist in general, does that get you off the hook for hoovers?
No. When wounded we need fuel to heal the wound. We may try and get that from you, but if you have wounded us there is a risk you may do it again and make the situation worse so we may withdraw and seek fuel from a different source instead. He will come back though to try further hoovers if conditions are right to do so. If however each time he kept trying to hoover, he became wounded, he is far more likely to stay away from you. Have a read of Fury to understand more about this.
Question:
Is it true that you can never ‘win’ with a narc?
So re; the example above, I’d either be working hard to prove I wasn’t like the ex or I’d be not doing so good, and I was behaving like the ex. Therefore, I couldn’t really ‘win’ either way. And I was really set-up to fail anyway by the false construct created by the narc in the first place.
Or another example:
I was always treading on eggshells, treating carefully so I’d not offend or trigger his fragile ego and huge rage. But even when I thought I was choosing my words and bahabiour carefully, it still wasn’t good enough for him. Hence, it didn’t really matter what I did or didn’t do. He was and is a narc regardless of me.
Ergo the premise that was created at the beginning, the dynamic, the crafted manipulation was in any case, only ‘real’ within the confines of the relationship. Not an absolute truth as the narc would claim.
I suppose it depends on how you define “win”/ We certainly do appear to always win because we operate to our own reality which is different from yours, we twist and turn everything, we evade responsibility and dodge credibility, we are not burdened by remorse or guilt, we just move on without a backwards glance. We tie you in knots so you are always on the back footm justifying yourself and trying to explain things. You feel a repeated need to mollify us, make sure everything is okay. It is all designed to enable us to keep the upper hand so we are winning.
Very very true.
All of them except 4 and 5.
I recall that his ex-wife was a constant ghostly precense from the very start.
Now I wonder if any of it was true. If she did do any of the things he said, then I’m not surprised as she was probably driven to it. I know she’s been trying to get adequate child support for years.
The narc used her to triangulate; compare me favourably or unfavourably. The effect was double edged; to make me either feel special because I wasn’t like her, or to work harder so that I wouldn’t be like her.
Lol ABB!!!! Indeed!!!
Forget his tookus, Lisa!!!! I don’t know you and sending happy birthday wishes!!!!!!!!!
Lisa……Remember:
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday to me!
Mad Hatter: To who?
March Hare: To me!
Mad Hatter: Oh you!
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday to you!
Mad Hatter: Who me?
March Hare: Yes, you!
Mad Hatter: Oh, me!
March Hare: Let’s all congratulate us with another cup of tea!
A very merry unbirthday to you!
Mad Hatter: Now, statistics prove, prove that you’ve one birthday
March Hare: Imagine, just one birthday every year
Mad Hatter: Ah, but there are three hundred and sixty four unbirthdays!
March Hare: Precisely why we’re gathered here to cheer
Alice: Then today is my unbirthday too!
March Hare: It is?
Mad Hatter: What a small world this is.
March Hare: In that case… A very merry unbirthday,
Alice: To me?
Mad Hatter: To you!
March Hare: A very merry unbirthday
Alice: For me?
March Hare: For you!
Mad Hatter: Now blow the candle out my dear
And make your wish come true
Both: A very merry unbirthday to you!
Forget him Lisa.
It is sad HG.. Sad words 😢
HG EMERMENCY help needed it’s my birthday and he’s just whatsapp Happy Birthday Lisa xxx
Last seen him 2&th April last texting 4th May . I have not gone into whatsapp so I haven’t seen it as far as he is concerned if I go on then he knows I’m ignoring and if I go into it , it will blue tick read . Your in the uk so you will know what I mean . How do I handle it . I want him to try to get me back but he may not do that it may just be him being a narc to see if I answer . Then I won’t hear anything for months . I’ve sent you a comment about seeing his friend yesterday . I know he can’t stand to be ignored when I did that once before it’s the only time he’s ever really chased me . But if I answer that’s it he’s won again. He could also be doing it to ruin my birthday so he’s on my mind now . ????? This is why you should really be living in my house HG 😜😜
He is wishing you an Unhappy Birthday. This is being done to make you think of him. He is drawing Thought Fuel from it regardless of what you do BUT if you read it he will get more and of course if your respond he will get Proximate Fuel.
He wants to make your birthday about him.
Do not read it.
Why do you want him to try to get you back?
Thank you HG. I panicked when I saw this in reader bc no lunch and now it’s late.. Didn’t have your email…boo. Now I do. I hope I don’t have to use it. I’m glad Lisa has it now and I hope you were able to help.
Thank you to everyone that gave me advice regarding my happy birthday from the monster . It’s the first correspondence I’ve had since the longest no contact and since I’ve known what he is . I want him to try and get me back HG so I can have the pleasure of saying F..k Off. But I have emailed you regarding another aspect which I know you will get around to . I haven’t responded but if I even log in he will know I’ve seen it so I haven’t logged in . I’m waiting for your email reply and I know your busy so no rush . He enjoys silence so he won’t mind waiting for his thought fuel .
Remember, Lisa, not responding to him IS saying a BIG F U to him 🙂 Best and be safe!!!
Indy
Happy birthday Lisa ^.^ Wish you a nice sunny day and lots of strength and another 365 beautiful days 🙂
You can try to turn it around you know. He just gave you a gift of learning how to handle him properly. Your day is not ruined <3
MF how can I turn it around ? As you state in your message ?
Happy Birthday Lisa.. Late but wishing you had a lovely day and many many more. All the best 🍰🍰🎉🎈
Happy Birthday, Lisa. I hope you listened to HG.
Thank you for the happy birthdays yesterday . I can’t find HG ‘s email address can anyone send it . I’m having a melt down today thanks X
narcissist1909@gmail.com
This came in reader. You sound like my best… You are giving him fuel if you tell him to fuck off. Walk on by if you see him. That would be the ultimate sit and spin. Apologies if I overstepped bounds, HG.
Heard so many of these I think I’m going to be SICK!!!
Wow, everytime I think for a moment my ex is not The Dark Narc this reassures me he is. He has used ALL of these (except #2…wait..he used that one too just tweeked it a little).
Everytime I think he doesn’t know what he is or what he does I read this and almost think he has had the narc instruction manual all along.
P.S. the word “soulmate” to me is now very similar to the word “moist” to most. If any one ever uses that word on me again I’m going to smack them and RUN away!
I have a question, I planned my exit (with your books help, HG, for real!) and had a line in the sand and if he crossed it I left. I knew he would lay the blame onme and I didn’t want him to escape blame so I chose something he could escape blame, a drinking relapse. I knew it was coming soon, I saw the signs as I seen him relapse two times prior. He relapsed hard and I delivered my exit notice face to face while he was hung over and had no fight in him. I walked out and didn’t look back. Yes, he did lots of other things, such as silent treatments, gas lighting, triangulating, and focused everything on him in conversation and wasn’t there when I needed him most of the time. I didn’t bother to hold this over his head and yell and such as I knew he wouldn’t own it.
I guess my question is, it is bad that I did it that way?….a piece if me feels guilty….and….I don’t know why. I know he feels shame for his relapse and left a voice mail after I left expressing such…and it was in a pity ploy manner. I didn’t call back and never have and went no contact. Is it the co dependence? Is it being empathic? Is it that I’m more narcicistic than I realize? God, would you tell me if you thought I was? Part of who I am questions what I am constantly and I sometimes worry that I unintentionally hurt others and I so don’t want to. I constantly want to improve who I am as a person. Yet, sometimes I feel selfish. Ugh….time to get a therapy session. Just wondering if others feel this way?
No you adopted my approach, the end justifies the means. The difference is, you are burdened by guilt at treating someone like this, I am not. Your response is not narcissistic nor co-dependent but empathic in nature. You concern about hurting others is again empathic in nature. I am not troubled by such a consideration. I know I hurt people, that is not the primary intention, but a collateral consequence of the fulfilment of my needs, in the same way that if you want a beef burger a cow has to be slaughtered. Bad news for the cow but not for your taste buds.
God, I must sound really messed in the head to ask this, but I am. ….as I know you are brutally honest here and I do appreciate it so, HG. Truly. My friends would tell me, to hell with your exes feelings….but I need to ask…
Ok, here is my question…do you think it was bad form? Is the guilt justified for how I did it? Do you think I slaughtered him?
Why do I feel this way? Damn, I tell myself, I should be standing with hands on hips going, “hell yeah I dumped his azz, he treated me like crap”….and yet, this freaken guilt….
glad to be free and yet…stupid guilt….
It was terrible form. You should feel terribly guilty for your heinous and disgusting behaviour. How could you do that to somebody who has given you so much? It truly beggars belief that you could behave that way. Of course, that is what he will be thinking about you for your behaviour.
No it was not bad form. You are programmed to feel guilty. It is both a strength and a weakness of you and your kind.
You wounded him.
You feel this way because of the type of person you are and the way you have been conditioned to feel about him, by him.
Thank you HG(really, that was kind of you and I am grateful for your reassurance). So, no narc application for me, eh?
Yeah, I was programmed to feel guilt since a wee bit in Catechism. I was so truthful, even in those confessionals. But, those priests got an ear full **blush**
Ah the church, don’t get me started there. You are welcome.
Fellow recovering Catholic? Pagan? Or like me, invent your own religion….Oh, wait…are you serving Kool-Aid 😉
Ok i see, and thanks for the detailed answer. Its rather insightful. Also appears that while you say there is no actual back and forth exchange, as in “normal” bond, you acknowledge an energy flow, even if one sided. It is trully illuminating in so many odd ways.
Indifferent. We are exes. Gtf away.
Ha ha.
Despite that it may sound somewhat new-agey but, HG, do you think the refueling hapens on strictly cognitive level or is there actually an “energetic exchane” taking place? How does it feel to you?
I understand where you are coming from Anteah. I know that numerous people have talked about energy and also how empaths (in the truest sense of the word) feel “in tune” with the world and the universe. I know that does sound somewhat hippyish and New Age but that is what they experience and therefore why should their experience be any less valid that someone else’s? To me it does not feel like an energy exchange, if anything it is an energy drain. You have fuel for me. I take it. It is a zero sum game. I feel the fuel empowering me so to that extent there is energy involved but I doubt what I feel is anything akin to what an empath feels in terms of this idea of being “in tune”.
😎 I think you guys have an insatiable black hole! That’s why it’s draining! We empty ourselves into you and you only feel it for a moment or two.. Like a drug addicts hit! It must be draining trying to obtain everyone’s energy! Being in tune is the same as being sensitive to everyone’s energy, feelings, thoughts, motives and intentions. Being lied to the whole time doesn’t help us! It helps you get your fuel! You are very in tune or you wouldn’t be writing these symphonies of Narcissism! It’s like looking in a hall of mirrors and you can see perfectly! I agree they are 2 very different things. Everyone is born with a God shaped hole in his heart. No one can fill us but Him. Everything else is a counterfeit
Heather,
Have you been listening to the 1975?
Did somebody say that it is wrong to feel intune with the universe? Im glad you dont think like that😃😃
Its feeling a connection HG.. And energy in yout body thag feels completely balanced and you feel the pull towards all what is balanced.. You feel every energy physically in your body😃😃