Unbelievable (And How To Tackle the Disbelief)


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My kind savage your heart. We pollute your mind. We ravage your soul. One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behaviour is found at every stage of your entanglement.


  1. Seduction

It is unbelievable just how amazing our love for you is when you are being love-bombed, it is unbelievable but you will not reject it because it feels so wonderful, so uplifting and so joyous. It is then unbelievable later that someone who loved you in such a way could suddenly stop doing so. Even later, you still find it unbelievable that it was fake. Surely we did love you? Surely we had those feelings for you? It is unbelievable that we could not have done. Do you see how this lack of believability can twist and turn, morphing into a new angle, yet remaining in place to confuse and puzzle you?


  1. Devaluation

It is unbelievable that somebody can turn to quickly from being loving to being awful. It is unbelievable that a person can behave in such a way towards somebody who they say that they love. It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for. It is unbelievable that this behaviour could last for as long as it did. It is unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and see what they are doing is wrong. It is unbelievable that they cannot be helped.


  1. Discard

It is unbelievable that someone can just vanish like that. It is unbelievable that someone can move on to someone else in the blink of an eye. It is unbelievable that the new target cannot see what is really happening. It is unbelievable that the new victim won’t accept what you tell them about us. It is unbelievable how we ignore you, refuse to speak to you and treat you like we never knew you after everything that has been said and done. It is unbelievable that you have been treated like this after everything that you did. It is unbelievable that he is saying so many lies and hurtful things to other people about you.


  1. The Post Discard Hoover

It is unbelievable that someone can just waltz back into your life like nothing has happened and carry on as normal. It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. It is unbelievable just how much you miss this person. It is unbelievable how he has said all those horrible things to other people and then brushes it to one side.

It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.

So many unbelievable matters and what is the cumulative effect of all this? You are bewildered, unable to comprehend what has happened, unable to make sense of it all and you are left a whirlpool of emotions. You are dizzy, disorientated and unable to pick a path to stick to in order to reach safety. You can be picked off again with ease by our kind.

To add to the sheer unbelievable nature of what you have endured is the fact that so few people can actually understand what has happened either. They may have been brainwashed by us, they may just not want to get involved or they just cannot understand how somebody can behave like that and think you are either exaggerating or they are so stunned they cannot offer you any practical assistance. The power of this lack of believability and the effect of disbelief are substantial and they act as double hammer blows against your recovery.

How do you tackle the sheer scale of disbelief from both you and those around you?

  1. Understand what you have been entangled with. Really understand.
  2. Understand that our kind operate in a different reality to you.
  3. Avoid over analysis of our motives. Until you grasp points one and two, such analysis is futile and detrimental.
  4. Do you really need so many people to believe you? Are you not propounding the pain by repeatedly explaining it to people who are unwilling or unable to help? Don’t approach this in a scattergun manner.
  5. Don’t seek answers from us. You won’t get them. Ever.
  6. Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
  7. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
  8. Read, read and read so you understand.
  9. Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.
  10. Use independent evidence, not just your say so, to support your position and break down disbelief.
  11. Accept some people will always be on our side. Don’t waste time trying to persuade them. You are not going to convince them.
  12. Don’t waste time trying to tell the world at large about how awful we are. You may want everyone to know but this is a futile exercise. We have already smeared you and you are just paying into our hands.
  13. Don’t bother attacking our façade unless you have the energy and credible independent exercise. You will use up valuable energy trying to tackle a wall that believes us and not you.
  14. Many people experience our kind but few people understand that they have done so. It is hard trying to persuade people that they have encountered a narcissist. We make it that way.
  15. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.

38 thoughts on “Unbelievable (And How To Tackle the Disbelief)”

  1. A question? When a narcissist discovers that we are catching on to what he is, would he do something completely uncharacteristic of a narcissist (apologize, for example), to throw us off his track or trick us into believing it is us who has the problem?

    1. Hello Bentley, if you are catching on to not delivering fuel, then we would provoke you in a different way to gain that fuel that we need so much. If you are catching on to what we are, remember that a Lesser and a Mid-Range do not know what they are, the Greater does and will not admit it, so the reaction would only really alter if you were looking to expose this knowledge to third parties and affect the façade.

      1. So in other words, one would use tactics to further manipulate. Use behaviors or words solely to gain fuel. What ever means necessary. Gaslighting or being extra nice, possibly using flattery to continue to keep the source around. Correct? In my situation, this man is making me doubt there is anything wrong with his behavior by contradicting his words and behaviors in extremes. Currently he is attempting to Hoover me….again. Thanks to you I am more then aware now. I would love to lash out and call him on this but I know it would be futile. Don’t know if he is lesser or greater. Doesn’t matter, he is what he is.

      2. Correct and you are seizing the power by understanding what he will do and why he is doing it, allowing you to chart the course for you.

  2. Shocked to the core! After my narcassisti ex tried to kill me 10 weeks ago but failed! I googled psychopath an come across narcassist . Omg!! I’ve pieced the jig saw together an what a massive eye opener it is . I’ve gained so much insight into the mind of the monster I spent over 2 years with . He’s a repulsive dangerous individual and I I survived evil by the skin of my teeth . Well the teeth I have left because he knocked a few out!

  3. It an excellent list. All in there what is to do and what works. In addition I would add after the mourning of the relationship, forgive and move on. By following all of the above forgiveness and moving on is attained.

  4. You are a gem, a hidden one but definitely a gem. Thanks for the enlightenment and awakening you are providing for everyone.

  5. My greatest disbelief was with #1, mainly how much it changed by character and that I put up with it so long. Took me 2 years to find myself again.

    When I looked back, I said to myself “I was living in Cloud Cuckoo land but now I’m back” I’ve never been back there since and I’m never going back. I started to write a book about it, if for no other reason than to convince myself it really happened. Unbelievable!!

  6. I finally believe the unbelievable. It took me just a few weeks shy of a year to accept the fact that I was dealing with this kind. You are absolutely correct on every single one. Thankfully I have never been the type to talk about my love life especially if there are issues. Nothing more embarrassing than telling people what you put up with or explaining why they’re not around this time. You are right most don’t know about your kind so they don’t understand, leaving us to look like a fool. For me it easier to deal with on my own in my own way. I don’t talk about him at all because like you said talking about it is just reliving all the hurt so I just read, read, read just like you said. I am on day 5 of denial free. I’m not going to lie it’s tough and I do fight the urge to look for another excuse for him, but I did igorne my first message today. It was just him telling me I was crazy. This was an attempt to get some negative fuel and emotion as I try to defend my self so he could then tell me to leave him alone and that he is blocking me followed by “check”. So predictable and lame. I will have to say that ignoring him this time felt pretty good 😎. Thanks again for the best reading material there is to have.

    1. You are welcome B and thanks for sharing your experiences. You are absolutely right, keep reading as not only will this distract you but it will reinforce why you have to escape and maintain no contact, whilst ensuring you remain in a vessel of logic and not drowning in the emotional sea.

  7. Love the list HG. You are really a good guy somewhere in there. You are just misunderstood. 😉

    Hell with that! You are a brutal soul destroyer and we thank you for this. Where would we be without your teachings of the demons we have let in our lives.

    If you ever wake up one day and the demon of yours has all but died and you no longer have to contain it. Look us all up so we can give you lots of hugs.

    1. Hey now…Some of us would try to apply that lesson of “No Contact” to ALL narcs (outside of this neutral forum of mutual sharing and learning, that is). Especially the Masters. I mean, what kind of students would we be if we couldn’t perform one of the first lessons we’re taught for our own Professor? 😉 How about Internet hugs?

  8. It has been three months since I have had no contact with my ex. This post describes exactly how I am feeling. UNBELIEVABLE is one hundred percent the best word that you could use to describe everything. It is unbelievable how much I miss her, how much I want her back and how much I still cry everyday over her. I am so grateful that I have found your books to read HG and that I found this blog. You are so much better than my therapist. You are the only reason that I have not contacted her. I finally have found others that understand how I feel. No one else does. Thank you

    1. Thank you Snow White, I do appreciate your kind comments. Yes,the information I provide you with from my perspective is powerful indeed and surpasses anything else you are likely to receive from other sources. Tell everyone you know.

  9. I wish I would of know this any of this would of helped so much! If not at the beginning then definitely at the end when all the disbelief and heartache happens! When you feel like you are loosing your mind! Even after you begin to accept the fact that he is gone! He reappears with a smear campaign for reasons unknown! Even though you wish him love and happiness with the new person because obviously I wasn’t the right one for him, he comes back and smears me to people that I thought would never believe such lies about me! Hopefully people get to read this before they reach the point that I ended up at!! Thank you HG! To me this was one of your most valuable posts to a victim!!! Xxx

  10. I have never been discarded by any Narcissist..ex boyfriend…left him and filed restraining order( haven’t heard from.him in 12 years…ex Mn husband …restraining order and deportation, haven’t heard from him in six years, he tried for three months and then nothing since divorce….last boyfriend, I left him and went no contact..less then two months… Hoover was month ago. Neither of first ever used ST as devaluation, only number 3 extensively used ST as devaluation. All three love bombed in different manners. All three tried to retrieve relationship. I do not return to an ended relationship ever, once done, it is done for good. The most disbelief was for number three. He was the most believable in his illusion and lasted the longest.
    Thank you HG for shattering that illusion of unlove for me.

    1. As a further mention, the MN ex husband, tried to kill me , which if he had been successful, this would have been a discard. He did not succeed. Obviously, so hence there was no discard, I In turn removed him.

      I recognize I tolerated and engaged and withstood often too much from these types. But. When I decide enough…they are gone from My life, disingeniune pleas, Hoover or Hoover not. It matters not to me. I am still done. If I decide to no longer engage with them or endure their manipulations. Then, they fully and rightfully disappear. They may implement their machinations before I make my determination, but in the End. It is my CHOICE, not theirs. It is only their misguided egos, that allows them to assume they choose.

      Look, one is On his way out now….can you see him slowly slipping away Into the distance of sight and mind…..like a memory or spirit almost purged and banished from existence. Now just a speck on the horizon, until he is no more.

      it is through detachment of the genuine feelings we had for them, that we can free ourselves and now see them for what they truly are. But, even better, is to no longer think of them at all.

      The problem with these engagements is when the Narcissist thinks they are only one in control of us and the situations involving us. They are not, when We chose to obey ourselves. they no longer hold any power over us.

      Poof, be gone, foul tormentor. Slay you in my dreams!!!

  11. Unbelievable indeed HG and so many “buts” go around your head like the waltzers when attempting to understand what has actually happened. Disbelief and hollowness that can’t be described. Your world of silence now commences, one most likely from your N and then the deafness that comes from all around you. Every voice is muffled as if you’re living under water. You hear people speak and like a mime artist learn the skill of ” pretend” so your facial expressions give the perception you are listening. You’re not in the room, you now live in the cold damp prison of your own mind and there you will stay!
    Good article HG, you hit the bullseye with this one!!! And please get a wriggle on with your new releases, I’ll be reading farmers weekly if you don’t crack on! Btw… Has any woman succeeded in piercing your heart? Ever?

    1. Thank you ISTY. I am working on the new releases believe me, I am burning the midnight oil with them. Farmers’ Weekly won’t hold a candle to them! Mind you, that does remind me of the famer’s daughter who was once a girlfriend of mine. Anyway, before I digress, no, nobody has so far succeeded in piercing my heart. You have to have one first don’t you?

  12. So many beautiful nuggets of wisdom in this post HG.!!

    But this one…”It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.”…is almost too heartbreaking because of it’s painful truth.

    But you are absolutely right – it is logic and reasoning that will save us. This is especially difficult to comprehend to those of us who rely on our emotions and intuition. Thank you so much for the list 🙂

  13. Great article. I am at the tail end of this as I start to pick up the pieces of my life without them. I know there will be depression and lonliness but I get to reconnect with different people and I am now a lot wiser then I was before.

  14. Amen, HG. Your 15 points are spot on and are invaluable in getting through this. ***big thumbs up, American style***

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