5 Howling Wildernesses

Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, from him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.

83 thoughts on “5 Howling Wildernesses

  1. luckyotter says:

    Reblogged this on Lucky Otters Haven and commented:
    This post has haunted me for months. Enter the inside of a sociopathic narcissist’s mind — a howling wilderness — if you dare. Another brilliant and poetic post by HG Tudor.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you LO, always good to hear from you.

      1. luckyotter says:

        I love this post.

  2. Kd says:

    So what kind of reaction would I more than likely need to expect if I just called my husbands ex out on exactly what she is? Would she go through narcissistic injury and temporarily back off because of being irate that she has been figured out or engage in complete psychotic meltdown right then and there? She’s not only narcissistic. She shows all symptoms of psychopathic traits along with it. We normally only contact through email, she ALWAYS tries to come be seen and heard however at all school functions or events and starts her drama.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Kd, what school of narcissist is she? Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater? If you called her out and she is a Lesser then see the article “No, You Are the Narcissist – Part One”. If she is one of the other schools then keep an eye out for Parts Two and Three.

  3. luckyotter says:

    HG, “Five Howling Wildernesses” has got to be the best blog post title I’ve ever seen. It’s so memorable and evokes such a desolate mood. I don’t mean to focus so much on the title, because the post is brilliant too (and so true), but that title…I can’t get it out of my mind.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you LO, I am glad you find it such an evocative title.

  4. Does anyone else feel as if they are living in a Matrix now (very similar to the movies)? I don’t see anything or anyone the same anymore. Not sure how I feel about this😱

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Take the red pill.

    2. Indy says:

      Yes. I do not see people the same as before. For me, with time I got more comfortable with this new view. I am still integrating it into my survival kit. I used to see good in all and give trust where it was not earned (not a good thing). So, this new view, as disturbing as it is, is actually protective and more realistic. I am still an optimist, but with a strong realistic component.

      1. Sharon says:

        My sentiments EXACTLY, Indy. There isn’t a word you said that isn’t exactly how I feel. Thanks for sharing!

    3. Sharon says:

      And I never will again! My heart, my mind and my soul have been enlightened by going through this experience and I will forever protect my soul from being used as an energy source.

      1. Indy says:

        Woo hoo, Sharon! 😊

  5. Gem says:

    Hi B&T,
    Thank you for reminding me about the perspective issue. I think I used to and still do make the assume that the narc has a similar mind-set, so actually I’m not being so empathic!

    I think the sentiment I expressed above came from an emotional place of exasperation, and perhaps, some resignation tinged with sadness.

    Remembering the difference of perspective does help with the feelings of disbelief, as in, ‘how could he/she?’ and so on. I suppose from the narc’s perspective because it makes sense or some sort and/or it works.

    I almost feel compassion, sort of.

    1. Sharon says:

      I do too, Gem … sort of 🙂

  6. Poetic_Me says:

    Thank you Alexis, I wondered that too about CN, I asked once but HG told me simply he never loved me, but according to his answer here , CN did, but instead he didn’t know he didn’t love me as his love is different from mine. That contradiction is confusing. Tres N.
    So, accordingly, a greater N, such as HG, is always aware that he does not love his targets and volunteers, he just lets them think he does.
    This is a huge change in information for lessers and mid ranges, to now be told. They actually did think they loved us, real or not, their belief was the same as ours in loving them. Wow, On this revelation.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They may think they do, but they do not because their idea of love is not the same as that of yours. It is still the case that CN did not love you. He did not love you in the way that you understand love to be. He thought he loved you but what he actually loved was your fuel because that is what we need. There is no contradiction. It is the distinction between the perception and the actuality.
      It is not the case that their belief was the same as yours. They believed in something different to what you believe.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        No my idea of love and his are incompatible. But, my point was, he thought he loved him, that was his believe for whatever reason he thought that, fuel or otherwise…just as I thought I loved him, which I truly did, for addiction reasons or otherwise…this is not the same understanding of he nevr loved me, it doesn’t matter if it matched ho I loved him, it matters that he indeed did believe he was I love with me, when he told me so. That concept, makes a huge difference to me. Regardless of his unknown understanding of why he loved me, ie fuel.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Which one MN or CN?

          1. Poetic_Me says:

            Do your Polynesia joke again 😏 to be clear, I rarely mention MN because he is of no importance to me. He is a horrid person so does not bear thinking of, other then in passing. My comments are related to D only. As he is why I came to blog.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Just wanted to be clear with the references to the provision of fuel etc.

          3. Poetic_Me says:

            MN! I am sure nevr loved me, he had an agenda…and pretending to love me was part of it. D I always felt did love me, even if as you say if was for a different reason. He still thought it was love, as I felt it. Even though, it most likely was not. If he indeed is a Narcissist. Everything is so unclear and well. He will never admit to anything, even if he knew.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            No, I was referring to CN because of your references to fuel et al.

          5. Poetic_Me says:

            Yes, I know your previous reply was related to D. As he is predominantly addressed here. Recall, he told me loved me continuously for four years, through all phases. He simply felt it differently then I do. I don’t fault him for that.

      2. camille says:

        Understanding this has made all the difference my healing, and moving on. Essentially the man I love is dead, since he never really existed, did he?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Absolutely right Camille and in grasping that you have taken a huge stride forward.

      3. sky says:

        Camile that is how I cope some days.

        I pretend the man I knew died in an accident. That he died loving me and that our fairy tale was real.

        To be fair I do believe that it was real to him too until I caught his ‘other side’, I call him the pr***. Then I was no longer pure fuel although I tried. As I believe he did.

        Sometimes I wish I never knew a thing.

        I mourn the person i know he wants to be as he ruins one thing after another for himself. Sometimes.

        Life goes on doesnt it. At least for him. Its all a game so what’s the real harm anyway, to the one that counts.

        I’m still climbing out of the rubble he left me. Some days its an hour at a time, one foot in front of the other.

        As time goes by and we ‘dance’. I get to know him better. I can only pity him… and me. Mostly me lol.

        Then one day I wake up and look at who I used to be and that is what saves me.

        Heaven knows he won’t.

  7. It`s set in stone before it even begins. From that first moment to the last, it is destined to be this way. And no amount of crying, begging, trying, pleading, perfecting, promising…..will change the eventual outcome.

    Doesn`t matter who or what you are – all the stories in this fantastical book of twisted and malicious fairytales has the same ending.

    Brilliant explanation, HG, you`re always so cut and dry in the way you drive home the truth. One of the things I love about you – your brutal honesty. And there`s no other way to serve up this kind of honesty other than brutally.

    You are doing everyone you are helping a tremendous service, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you B&T.

    2. Gem says:

      B&T you write, ‘it is all set in stone before it begins’. This made me think that it all seems so completely pointless and predictable.
      Just such a tremendous waste of time and energy for everyone involved.
      Idealise-devalue-discard, rinse, repeat and so on ad infinitum.

      1. Hi Gem,

        I understand why you would feel that way. But you have to understand that, from the Narc`s perspective, it is not pointless, even though it is predictable.

        It is necessary. The absolute goal is fuel. Fuel is the rule, as HG has said numerous times. At first, it is all positive and wonderful fuel, but ultimately, the Victim does something to wound or disappoint, and thus, the devaluation and discard is inevitable.

        There is always hope that this Victim will be The One (think Neo in The Matrix – ha ha!). There are high hopes and expectations in the beginning. “This one won’t let me down…this one will do what he or she is supposed to do….this one won’t fail me because he or she is perfect.”

        But the standards set are impossible to live up to and thus, the Victim does end up failing thus brining upon him or herself an infinite amount of pain, torture, etc.

        And, as HG has also said, it’s really through no fault of your own because you simply don’t know what you’re dealing with – in the beginning and sometimes not even in the end (although thanks to HG, you’ll all have a much clearer picture now, in addition to tools to help you spot the next one that comes along).

        I get what you’re saying, Gem, and I respect it. But remember the perspective you offer is entirely different than the perspective of the Narc.

      2. sky says:

        if we only knew when it began.

    3. CJ*03 says:

      Given this fantastic always eventual ending B&T…. why should empaths stick around once our eyes have been opened??

      And if anything…. is HG not actually doing all N-kind, his brethren, a disservice by revealing all of this and opening the eyes of everyone who passes through here?? Does it not infact cut the supply lines ever slighty shorter each time he opens another set of eyes with his words?? Or does it not matter so long as it does not effect his fuel supply or that of other N and akin on here?? Is there no loyalty, per se, to his kind?? Does the N not even feel a loyalty, a connection of sorts, or any other sort of positive regard for others like themselves??

      Cheers B&T

      1. That`s the point CJ – you shouldn`t stick around. But so many of you do.

        Why would you think HG would be loyal to his own kind? It`s fairly clear, and HG has made it so numerous times, that HG is an army of one. He is incredibly advanced in his knowledge and understanding of himself as an MN. He is elite and far more advanced than many of his kind can ever hope to be.

        This is what makes him so unique. This is what makes what he is doing here, with his blog and his books, so bloody brilliant!

        Why would HG need to be loyal to those who are clearly so far beneath him and not worthy of it in the first place?

        As for the disservice point you`re attempting to make, the fact is, even with all the knowledge acquired here and in the books, many will fall prey to an N again.

        Can two of a kind feel a connection to each other? Absolutely. It is possible, but it is rare. I`ve met plenty of Ns and while I found them interesting, sexy and charming, they didn`t ignite a fire inside me.

        But can that happen….absolutely it can. And it does when the stars align just right and the universe sees fit to shake things up a bit.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Nailed it.

      2. sky says:


  8. Gem says:

    HG, I am curious and would welcome your insight.
    I am aware of these ‘wildernesses’ that you detail here.
    However, the narcissist has insisted to me, not that I asked, that he is ‘in love’ with the new giver of fuel. He had reiterated this to me, (unbidden), on several ocassions whilst simultaneously telling me that he could never be with me, and then detailing at length, by email, my perceived flaws, defects and so on.

    At times, this has meant that a wounded part of myself has imagined that the narcissist and his fuel, have a wonderful, happy, functional, loving relationship. ‘She’ gets all the ‘goodies’, whilst I got a lot of abuse and money stolen from me.

    Reading the above, one could summise that the narcissist is not capable of having a mutually respectful and loving relationship with anyone, ever.

    1. Is this true?

    The effect of the narcissist’s proclamations of love, and the fact that he insists we were never in a relationship, and that I’m in receipt of several, denigrating, character assaination-type emails, has led me to believe that, Yes, I’m the one who’s wrong, flawed, disordered, and so on, whilst he is so healthily functional that he’s in this on/off, (his words), ‘love’ relationship for about 2 years. (I didn’t know he was in this ‘relationship’ for a long while as he kept it secret).

    Tell me, is he really happier with the new supply? Does she go through the same push/pull, hot/cold, gaslighting scenario that I do? (I’m aware that there is no definitive answer, not being in her head, but based on probabilities).

    It’s so horrible that I even think this way. I never did before my entanglement. Why? Why was it me who got the abuse? Because I tried to escape? Because I stopped being compliant? Thank you in advance.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Gem, what he is doing is a Relationship Bulletin whereby he makes out that she is wonderful (just as you once were) and now you are awful. His dislike of you allows him to draw fuel as it helps power his seduction of her. His perspective is such that because we operate in black and white thinking, everything about you is black (bad) and everything about her is white (good). She is getting the goodies now but it will not last.
      Mutual respect means nothing to us. It has to be about respecting us because we are superior and brilliant. You get no respect because of our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and the fact that our needs transcend anybody else’s including yours.
      He is smearing you to other people and engaging in a character assassination to your face. You should read Smeared and Manipulated. This is designed to make you feel worthless so you react and provide fuel. It is also done to stop you moving forward and recovering.
      He is not happy at all. It is pretence. He will be content with the positive fuel she provides, hence he appears “happy” but she will get the same as you eventually. It may happen sooner, it may take longer, but it will happen. He is “happier” form his perspective because she is shiny and new, whereas you are the old and the rubbish. Of course because we project and blame-shift, the reasons it did not work are down to you and nothing to do with us. That is not the case. You for the abuse because you became entangled. So will she. And the one after her. It is part of keeping you stuck by making you think we are with someone wonderful. It also means you hang around hoping you will get that golden period again because hey, if she is getting it then you must be able to do so again. It is all part of the way we operate.

      1. Gem says:

        HG, I like the way in which you lay bare your insights, as in the reply above, in a very clear and unemotional way. That approach cuts through a lot of confusion, the gaslighting ‘fog’, the questions, the whys? There is something for me that is reassuring about that kind of certainty. And I definitely don’t feel judged by you for my feelings.
        So much of what the narcissist does is just because…he/she is a narcissist. There is no rhyme or reason to it, what happened is, as you have written here and elsewhere, I got entangled. It’s all part of this huge game in which I never knew the rules, (wasn’t allowed to know), and the rules keep changing anyway.
        So on this basis there is no ‘winning’. Or if I turn it around, the ‘winning’ from my perspective is the escaping out of the endless Idealise-Devalue-Discard cycle.
        I do get fed up with how the narc has taken root in my mind; like a poisonous weed.

        I have fantasised about being able to ‘chop’ him off like a chopping a poisoned limb off a tree. If only it were so easy.
        Thank you for taking the time to reply. It does help.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome Gem, there is reason to everything that we do, but only when looked at from our perspective. Much of what we do makes no sense to you from your vantage point and that is deliberate because your confusion is paramount to the maintenance of control. You are correct though that you do not know the rules and nor are you allowed to know them when you become entangled with us and they change. You can get him out of your mind, reading and understanding is the key, along with time.

  9. Well, I guess this entire blog answers the questions I asked on the other blog. Thanks HG! In narcissistic fashion I’m going to assume you wrote this just to answer all of MY questions😘

    One additional note, I just can’t wrap my empathetic brain around why anyone would want to F**k up the Golden phase. It’s not like the empath isn’t glorifying you just as much! Why do you narcs have to go and ruin such a beautiful and amazing thing? Damn it, are there normal people in the world who just want to love, make love, and live in peace…happily ever after?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is all a matter of perception Alex, remember much of what happens in the narcissist-empath dynamic is two different perspectives based on the same facts.

      1. Sharon says:

        This is all so incredibly intriguing to me because I can see just how true your statement is HG, now that I’ve been distanced from the ex-narc. By taking the time to educate myself, especially with the help of your blog, I can understand and sense that this disorder goes much deeper for you than most will ever know, including yourself.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not doubt that that is correct.

      2. mlaclarece says:

        In other writings you have claimed that when you experience intense infatuation during the Golden Period, which is the closest thing to love you think you can feel, you really have the most optimistic hope that this person (who you probably researched and tested with intermittent interaction over a long period of time to position as an intimate partner), will be the one to be different and sustain you with just positive fuel. How can you say then, everything is absolutely just an illusion on your part and all a con? It is still an investment of your body and mind and time, even if your heart is guarded. It is real. It’s sometimes like you’re saying you are just a mirage. Like the supply hallucinated the whole relationship as a figment of their imagination.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You think we love you. We do not love in your the way that you think we do, therefore that is why it is an illusion. Moreover, the behaviour that is exhibited is engaged in for our own purposes. One needs to distinguish between what has happened and what you believe has happened. For example, I buy you an expensive piece of jewellery and I tell you that I bought it because you are wonderful and deserve such a precious item. There is no doubting I gave it to you because that has happened. However, you think I did it because you are wonderful. I bought this gift and I told you that you are wonderful because this is what you want to hear and believe. You want to believe that a caring and loving person bought this gift for you. We create the appearance of caring (but we are unable to feel it). We create the appearance of loving (but we are unable to feel it) and thus that is the illusion that has been created. Yes you get our time, our mind is applied to you, but it is not predicated on what you think it is based on. The lesser functioning of our kind believe they do love you and that what they are doing is right at that time, but it is not based on what you think it is and therefore that is why it is an illusion. Indeed, with the lesser of our kind, they do not love bomb as much but rather keep the beast that lurks hidden from view in order to attract you. The pleasant person you think that person is, is not the real person and thus there is an illusion at work. Yes the events happen in the relationship but the illusion is the person behind those events and occurences. The person you think is behind those events is the illusion.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            So in the world of absolute black and white with your mindset, there is a line divided with what you want and what the Supply wants. Or what you believe they want, based on what you draw out of them and listen to?
            It was not an illusion though, for a gift recipient to comprehend and understand the gesture was made to be given jewelry because someone she loved told her she was wonderful. It was a real tangible item attached to a sentiment. On some level, being a human being, you have the primal need to still connect with other human beings despite not feeling love or caring the same way we do. Take out a labeled “psychopath” out of the mix, everyone else could not sustain completely isolated with no contact. So on some level, you have to enjoy and appreciate the contact and time you are having with this person. In that moment it is real.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I have to enjoy and appreciate the contact and time I am having with the fuel.

    2. nikitalondon says:

      Me ❤️❤️❤️

      1. alexis2015s says:

        An interesting reply to Clarece, HG.

        This was another of my questions, whether the lesser beleived that they did love their target/ appliance. Makes me think back to the somatic and how I ran rings round him. I can remember how at times he was desperate to see / be with me and I thought he truly beleived it but I knew he wasn’t the sort of person to ‘love’ for long.

        What about the mid-range ? Do you think they’re are aware this is not real love ?

        Mine 100% knows. But I wonder of some others.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The Lesser believes he does love the target because he has no awareness of what he is. His form of love however is manufactured because it is not genuinely felt in the way that you love. Outwardly it will look like love but there is substance behind it.
          The Mid-Range will not know either.

      2. alexis2015s says:

        I can’t reply to you directly HG, sorry nikita for hijacking your comment 🙂

        So I guess you know and understand that you like empaths and CDs. But a lesser and mid-range perhaps is happy with empaths or PDs ? Because to them there is neither rhyme nor reason. Hence the lessers and mids can end up with others like themselves who are also unable to love.

        Still mine is mid to greater, he knows exactly what he is, I’m certain of that. But he loves the PDs and works them beautifully. Credit where it’s due……

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They may end up with others like themselves because they do not know what they themselves are.
          I like the PDs as well as a greater, PDs are not just the preserve of lesser and mid range but all of us because of the inherent damage and copious fuel provision.

          1. alexis2015s says:

            I didn’t realise you liked the PDs, no wonder you want to go to this watering hole then !!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Oh yes. See the traits in Sitting Target. A juicy BPD ? Come to HG.

          3. alexis2015s says:

            Well I wanted to laugh at that one. But in reality though..

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Oh do laugh. You know how I like it. I need Twinkle Toes to ask me something about Tubby as well, that always makes me laugh when she comments about him.

          5. alexis2015s says:

            I haven’t seen those, I’ll have to check out her comments.

  10. Jessica says:

    I just told these two I am moving out… He supposedly is hurt and want me to stay.. I am not happy and misreble. How you can you make some One stay when they are left bewildered… Kets review to Florida the family vaca where were a cpl In love them he screws her in the other room while I hold off for 9 months waiting… Really!!!!!!!!!!

  11. centauride12 says:

    For me there is only one reason why it will not work. You cannot offer me anything of value.

    I want an honest, reciprocal, true and loving relationship. You cannot give me that.

    So you cannot fulfill me any more than I can fulfill that enormous black hole inside you.


  12. CJ*03 says:

    1…. dont like very much though when we decide that change is going to happen regardless of your dislike of it.

    And 2…. That no…… we will not be dictated to for the rest of our life and made to feel like we are below you when in reality…. we walk in the clouds that rain down on your sad idiotic ass!!

    ……. Thats what it came down to with L. And that was twice now that ive walked away…. difference THIS time is point 2 there….. i BELIEVE this completely and wholeheartedly now!!! The first time, yes, i wanted change desperately and so i walked away successfully for a few years. But i didnt seem to think myself better.

    This time around however….. i KNOW I AM BETTER THAN THE PATHETIC THING SHE IS!!! Its evident to me more and more every day!!! Im onto FAR greater things….. ive stepped FAR higher up in the world!! She is NOTHING compared to the greatness around and within me now!!! She would cower in fear at the sight of me and the power thats within me through myself and those around me!! She thought she was a “special” person….. ive had my eyes opened to the meaning of speacial, fantastic, awe inspiring, breathtaking!! She is so insignificant that she does not even merit thought these days other than when i read one of these posts by you HG and am momentarily reminded of the moronic wanker who thinks she is truly this amazing and the world revolves around her foolish ass!!…..

    Yes….. well…… more fool her I say!!!

    I am in an entirely different league to her nower days…. always was…. just needed it pointed out to me!! She is but childsplay to my pro’s!! Hahaha 😉

    Cheers again HG!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome CJ.

    2. Poetic_Me says:

      Well said CJ, self empowerment helps free us from abusive tyranny. When we decide to change and no longer tolerate abuse, we fee ourselves. You have gained freedom, emotionally, physically and metaphorically. Well done.

      1. CJ*03 says:

        Why thank you J!! I appriciate hearing that from you x

  13. Fuel me once…shame on you…fuel me twice……….Wow…for now ;)…

  14. steeviann says:

    Truth. Terrified of change. But could you change if you were not terrified?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That remains to be seen.

      1. Sharon says:

        This may not be what you want to hear, but too bad! I will pray for your soul. As much as I realize it’s void from many beautiful things, I also know it doesn’t want to be in a constant terrified state. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. God bless you and your soul.

      2. Steeviann says:

        This could be wonderful for you. Even if you felt something for a moment that was in the normal spectrum of emotions. My fingers are crossed for you. Legs too.

      3. nikitalondon says:

        ❤️❤️❤️ I know you can change what your heart tells you to change ❤️❤️❤️

      4. Indy says:

        HG, I think you “can” change, even with fear/terror present. It sounds like, based on what you have said here, that change is dependent on your perceived benefit to change and motivation. (albeit extremely hard to do, even if willing). I’d like to add, given all your talents, I think you really could change, and do so beautifully. You’ve already begun the process here, by showing your awareness in much more honest manner than you do in your other arenas of life. That’s a start! I know you have other motivations to do what you do here, and whatever those motivations are, your brain processes everything you do and changes with each action. The more and more you do what you do here, and share honestly, the More your brain changes toward developing deeper awareness of deeper emotions. If we, the folks that feel emotions and empathy deeply can change our view points and develop armor and appropriate walls and toughness from our experiences with your kind and your lessons here, so can you become a little less guarded and more emotionally aware. It is a matter of if YOU wish….

  15. nikitalondon says:

    I mean a hole.. .. This is impressive .. Its to thinl about it my whole life..

  16. nikitalondon says:

    A whole that can never be filled 😰😓😢

  17. Fool me 1 time says:


  18. Sharon says:

    This is an empty reply. I forgot to check “Notify me of new comments” on my last post and I want to know what your answer is. I guess that means this isn’t really all that empty then is it? 🙂

  19. Sharon says:

    HG, why are you so terrified of change? Was it one thing or a number of different things that caused you to fear change?

    The ex-narc in my life “always” claimed to love change, but I know now just how untrue that is.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A sudden change never benefitted me in the past, therefore I do not regard change as conducive to my best interests and indeed I am highly suspicious of those who advocate it. I have a method which works for me yet there are those who continue to insist that I look to change. Given my method works and given what change did to me in the past, it is understandable that I regard prospective change with a sense of considerable concern.

      1. Sharon says:

        Honestly, your thought process makes absolute sense to me. It is completely understandable to me why you think the way you do. As the Empath though, it also makes me feel sad for you because change has always been said to bring better things into ones life. The reality of it though is it doesn’t always, and depending on what you had to endure, and for how long, I can see how your mind was brainwashed into believing certain things to be the truth. I’m sorry that the changes in your life weren’t positive for you. They can be though … It’s never too late :).

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Sharon.

      2. Indy says:

        It is understandable you would be both suspicious and resistant to suggestion of change. Yes, your method has worked for you…but, for no one else. And, it may not work for the glorious “one”. I see your resistance to change as being rigid in your ways. Would you agree?

        ‘Be pliable like a reed, not rigid like a cedar’

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I agree.

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