Repetition

 

I didn’t ask for this you know. I know you did not either but for once let’s not make this about you and let’s talk about me, yes? I never asked to be created so that each and every day I must gather the fuel that is necessary for my existence. Yes, I must eat, I must drink water and I must breathe the air, just as you do, but for me I have another staple requirement of daily living. I must have fuel. Did you choose to always needs food and water? No, you did not. Neither did I. I did not choose to require this fuel either but without it I will cease to exist. What I have created in order to survive in this world will come toppling down and that will be the end of me. How far would you go to eat? At first it is simple enough is it not? You go to the grocery store or you order online from the supermarket and acquire the ingredients to make a meal or receive a pre-cooked one. You chop, you peel, you mash and you stir and you make that meal. A hundred thousand different recipes to choose from. Instead you may remove the packaging, pierce the cling film and pop it in the over or the microwave. Either way you have food, ready to eat and to sustain you. But what if you had no money to acquire this food, how would you quell the rumblings in your stomach? Perhaps you might ask to be given food from neighbours, from food banks or left overs at supermarkets. It is demeaning but you need to eat don’t you, so what does a little pride matter so long as your stomach is filled? However, what if that charity ends? What if the benevolence of friends and neighbours dries up? What would you do then? What if there are no friends and no neighbours? Would you look to survive on berries you find by the roadside, drink the water from a stream? Would that sustain you for long or would you tire of that? Would you scavenge through the bins outside a supermarket for food that has been thrown out but is perfectly edible? Is that stealing? Perhaps not. Would you cope with the stares of pity and disdain from those who saw you surfing a dumpster?

Would you steal from the shops in order to quell the hunger pangs? Snatch a loaf from a bakery, sneak into a house and steal that cooling pie or rifle through the cupboards in order to find something to eat. What if there is no edible food in the dumpster, would you remove the mould and eat what you find, risking illness? What if the supermarkets ran out of food and there was nowhere to steal it from? Would you scavenge from the orchards until that fruit ran out? Would you catch fish or hunt a lamb or grab a chicken in order to cook and eat it over an open fire? What if the usual sources of meat began to vanish, having fallen prey to starving wild animals following the collapse of civilisation, what then? Would you try new sources? Would you, driven by hunger hunt down and eat a sparrow or a robin? How about an owl? Seagull? Would you slaughter a fox in order to eat its meat? Where would you stop? Would you eat another human being in order to survive? When needs must where would you draw the line? How far would you go to feed yourself and your loved ones? Begging, growing you own, stealing, savagery, cannibalism? Do you have a limit or when the chips are down and your stomach is knotted with the agony of starvation would there be no limit? How far would you go? Would you fight another person for a packet of rice? Beat someone up in order to steal their hoard of windfalls? Would you consider their loss of their food source and their injuries an acceptable consequence of your own necessary survival? Would this become collateral damage in the pursuit of survival? Abhorrent as it may sound, I should imagine, when the need really arises, that you would go beyond the unpalatable in order to survive.

Now replace food with the need for fuel and you will understand that I have no choice other than to gather this fuel from different sources and in different ways throughout the course of each day. The consequences which arise may seem regrettable to you but they are purely the result of this need for me to gain fuel. I did not ask to have to do this, but the way I have been created makes it so. In the same way that you would fight to ensure your own survival, rather than curling up and dying in a hole, so must I. Does that make me what would be regarded as a bad person for just doing what I need to in order to exist? I suggest that it does not. I know that what I do has consequences for others. I am not blind nor am I a fool. I understand fully the devastation that I cause as I tear through someone else’s life like a whirlwind, sucking everything in, hurling it about and then discarding it broken and shattered. I have heard the complaints, the stories, the recollections and the accounts. I have heard the cries of dismay, the wails of misery, the screams of terror and the slow sobs of pain. I know what is caused by my actions but what choice do I have? I do not set out to achieve these things but they must always arise as a consequence of what I must do.

I feel no guilt nor remorse. I am devoid of those emotions. Another consequence of the way I have been created. I feel no shame in these actions, no pity for those who suffer from my behaviours and no sense of empathy for those who are remorselessly cut down by my machinations. I am not burdened by such emotions so I do not toss and turn at night, I do not have my sleep peppered by nightmares of torment, I do not sit in anguish and seek absolution for everything I have done and everything that I am to do. Those concepts are not applicable to me. What I do is invite you to understand me. I want you to understand what I am, what I must do and what arises from this and if you were in my shoes then you would do the same. This does not make me a bad person does it? I am a good man who is having to do a bad job. Yes?

106 thoughts on “Repetition

  1. Mm. I’m still unsure of this one .. We can all understand why a starving person would steal a loaf of bread… but ultimately general consensus is it’s unjust behavior. would we feel it warrants jail? Probably not .. But obviously we still think it’s bad behavior. It’s not yours..if there was a collapse of the economy where a ton of people were doing it – I think the consequences would change .. Would u want someone stealing your bread ? if someone asks for my bread cause they’re hungry I give it. The problem is some people want more and take advantage then expect it… Get mad if you don’t.. Crazy to me.

    But you could go door to door in a neighborhood and I bet you someone eventually would give you bread so there is no excuse other than its the most obvious place it is available. Also has some pretty shitty consequences if caught.. For the thief and the store owner. personally, I would be insulting my own ego and intelligence by doing that .. that’s for people who don’t know how to think. that’s for people who are just surviving by a thread .. Sure natural selection when it comes to this is irrelevant now .. and you could make the argument that given the current conditions it’s the better behavior because it requires less energy and thus energy can be used for other matters.. But I’d disagree even with that. a sustainable solution is worth the energy expended in the beginning..Because then you don’t even have to use energy for it at all and the. You can devote yourself to something else rather than your daily bread stealing .. work on strengthening other survival skills that make you even more fit. you attract a better mate and better chance at survival if change occurs (and it always does).

    it’s also the people who are creative and think outside the box to achieve their needs or solutions that are admired and adored.. Given massive attention.

    there is a reason why societies exist. We are more likely to survive and thrive as a group. our species. we all know this and we set boundaries. It’s human nature to have selfish/bad desires .. we just choose to not behave that way for whatever motive – risk/benefit .. fear of punishment or exile. even being empathic I am able to recognize I have a motive for everything or deterrent for not doing something.

    I can understand why a narcissist would have the behaviors and motives they do. I can accept Their perception despite not being able to completely understand it or know why try want to. I know emotions can be motives as well (or lack of)

    I do not think being accepting/understand of something means it’s now justified. Starving person Stealing bread. We understand it. Starving person walks into neighbors house and eats their neighbor.. Well yeah they did it cause they were hungry I accept that fact lol .. But I’ll never understand what they were thinking or see that particular choice as one that they thought was a good solution lol. now who are you going to get your sugar from? now you’re saying it’s acceptable behavior if someone is hungry and eats you.

    This is how you want to live ? this is the solution. ? to live with all this shit because it’s what you’ve always done ? do I think narcs are bad for society ? Absolutely. Do I think they’re bad people ? No. They’re humans and humans are animals and its human nature to do bad shit and get away with it if they can.
    So no good or bad. Just .. Downgraded to animal status. Not appealing or attractive .. not fit. not someone that’s ever going to be something that would contribute to some amazing human evolution.. Ensuring not only their Existence is a success and they pass on their genres .. But that their linage is just as strong and some noob doesn’t come along and destroy your mark/presence on this world .. and honestly that’s what matters. so I just think narcs are a waste to potential human evolution and are detrimental to it. they insult their own intelligence by their lack of desire to Modify their behavior because they like what they do x

  2. Hi HG…It’s taken me a full day almost to get caught up on your posts here this time and as usual, once again, You do not disappoint a lady. (she says loosely as some would debate that statement about me and others would swear it promote it and protect it 😉 ). Really great writing there to be sure. I’m starting with this one to comment on. I’m returning from a 3 day respite at the river in my new cottage that my spouse has just bought me in July unannounced to him. Separated 4.9 years , from a man that wont allow you a divorce,( how the hell did you accomplish that you might be thinking). I have slowly and surly managed to get back a large chunk of what he (we’ll say borrowed from me) over time (and not done yet) with some help from the courts and various mediated maneuvers agreements and authorities but be rest assured I was at the helm and did 3/4ths the work and represented myself hiring lawyers only piece meal to insure my works are not lacking anything and for proof that I sought legal advice. I call it “MY INNER SANCTUM”…sound familiar? (my spouse always used this too, only again I did not at the time see the obtuseness of that then or the real meaning. His was his music room- I had my own) or I am calling it my “break” for short. I was never known as one for taking breaks. I don’t give up, just like him. I always have a plan and he always has a counter maneuver, but the game is and always was and always will be, still afoot. (only lawyers advise you to never say never and never say always by the way). but since he is an oxymoron it is both never and always the same…Right HG? lol…I give as good as I get. but yes I do give in more than he does at times to appease the (GOD)’s because its the right thing to do and I really don’t want this separation … but as long as he still acts like he wants it, I am “grocking in his fullness” still. no choice. I am using it as a place to force myself now to take those breaks. A useful step back of sorts in order to take another run at things if you will as now days due to age and duration of all this, I’m getting pretty f’ing tired as you are aware. Do I feel guilty? Yes and no. We each play the game. We each win rounds. We both know there is a higher cost to our actions to be paid back… I believe that greater Narcissist’s and Super em-paths are larger than life or as Rob Zombie put it,…” more human than human” HG. I am getting the full blast of the freezer treatment right now for this purchase and a few other perceived criticisms right on Que. Similar to the Narcissist, to a super em-path nothing wets the appetite like a greater to be sure. At first to be by his side as an extension and then later as his torment. You see, similar to a Narcissist that gives you the golden period gloriously only truly once, then proceeds to take it all back piece by piece day by day over the years till there is nothing left. When we leave you and you go into war mode even though you pushed the right buttons to secretly make it happen that way…you then push a button in us that then starts this thought in our minds in motion that we have been slowly brewing over, and then we put it in motion. It says, the same as you do which is I gave you everything I had and you used it unwisely and trashed us…now I’m gonna try and take back everything I gave you that I can when you refuse to fix yourself the situation too and for what you did to us both. I was created this way too. This is my survival instinct also. am i to really be blamed for being similar but different…you gave it all to me at first then took it all back later…what is different. We expect this from each other now. Not in the beginning, but by the end to be sure. He (does not in one small way) begrudge me this because he knows who he is and what he has done and the toll it has taken from the ways he has used me, and himself and that he needs this dynamic in his life, so he is aware there is a price. He is well aware of the price of many things from others that were not lessons from me too though. He has assured that no one else can now meet my needs and will always assure I work for him just as hard or harder as I ever did in order to get my needs met. And that is my price to pay and my cross to bear too. If they can’t heal they don’t want you to either. Even if as you say they know what they do they will always revert to actions that protect their best interests. This ensures they then see nothing wrong with the means fits the end senarios and want you to see nothing wrong with ensuring their needs are met forever and not yours in any way other than this. When I stated that I wanted a trial separation at first, it was because he was at the stage of upping the anti of his destruction of himself or deconstruction of us is all. We both recognized a true kindred spirit in the beginning we both gave many tells to each other. I think we didn’t realize though how kindred and how polar opposite we would become of what we each believed we were capable of good or bad and thought we could become because of our shared woundings. I felt badly for us both. I knew he couldn’t help the way he did things the same as myself. that’s why I overcompensated with him and I loved him and of course what he represented to me as well. Never wanting to become like our tormenters in the beginning kept us in check, in the end, our destiny’s had been written in the stars. We are are all getting this lesson and awakening at a critical period in time and history. Is it really to up-level the world at this stage in time and heal our ancesters and ensure the next time we are born we get to live the life we were really meant to but got ancestrally stuck on this one instead…I catch a glimpse into what I believe to be your true self too quite often the same as I could my spouse. The false self already know this…but he…your true self really needs to know and hear this…that he is beautiful, miraculous, worthy, necessary, a great teacher and an old soul worthy of his own love first. I once read that they only great thing an Narcissist knows how to do that we all can’t and are not able to do, is love himself first… signed Much respect x’s

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    Maddie…you have seen him? Wow…

  4. Christina says:

    Hmmm…..this is a really good analogy. Funny because I have hated the things my narc did…..and I did hate him at times, but I am aware that he is who he is and does what he does because of the things that he can’t deal with. After all, I wouldn’t blame a rattlesnake for biting me if I played with it….how could I hate the rattlesnake when biting is in it’s very nature to survive and defend itself?

    This post was a good one. Thanks for sharing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and you are welcome.

  5. Victory2016 says:

    N3 knew I had dealt with eating disorders in my teen years & consistently remarked that I needed to be thinner to please him. Did he think it would make me more like him? To have control issues or just to see how far he could push? Hmm…

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Do you still keep in contact with the one who has an eating disorder? N1 told me that he could tell I had one. He would laugh at my food bump.

    People don’t realize that it isn’t about the food. It’s about the control. Maybe that’s why kindred.

    Yes, if this bothers you, please move along to something better.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes I do.

      Yes it about the control. I used to stop her going to the bathroom after we had eaten because I knew what she was going to. It was also about the control for me as well.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        Thank you for the answer.

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        Psst..i.think you cared. Oh and you are welcome. It is a beautiful voice. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t think so.

  7. Wait, aren’t narc notorious for not ever revealing their true selves? HG, I would be a little disappointed if you actually did that and would think it would be dangerous and make those walls fall.

    On another note, I often times wonder if these disorders are nurture, nature, or both. There may not be a black or white answer for this. I guess I just see so many people that have truly horrible upbringings grow up to be kind, caring, em paths who not turn into narcs, or sociopaths, or develop disorders. Then I look at my DN and one of my best gals ex-Husbands. I know that their lives were not great and as children they had at least one narcissist parent and upsetting events but as far as my own DN goes, was it enough to make him who he is? Or was it already programmed in his DNA and his parents, and childhood circumstances allowed it to fester and grow?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Alex, I think the reference was to me revealing my identity as opposed to my “true self”.

      It appears to me that my situation as a narcissistic sociopath has arisen from upbringing and environmental factors. It may be the case that some people have a genetic predisposition to it that is “awakened” by environmental factors. It may be that some people are born that way and it develops irrespective of environment. It may be that there is no existing predisposition and it occurs entirely from the environment. I suspect that all three are relevant with regard to disorders.

  8. Steeviann says:

    when HG becomes famous from lectures and best sellers, then we will know his true identity. How crazy if he is really a woman, but has really gone undercover to make sure we never know the identity of the real HG Tudor

    1. Poetic_Me says:

      There are a host of possibilities Steviann, that is an excellent deduction.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Except it isn’t is it because you have heard my voice and know I am a man.

      2. Steeviann says:

        HG, this is true, we did hear a voice. Have you not heard the expression “believe none of what you hear and half of what you see”. Benjamin Franklin

        I do believe you are a man HG. Don’t get froggy on me. I also believe you are a very beautiful creature that should be observed only. Never engage as it would be a world one could never escape.
        Speaking of hearing the voice, when is the next interview?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is being organised SA.

        2. Poetic_Me says:

          Great point and question, Steeviann.

    2. 1jaded1 says:

      Right? How funny it would be.

      1. Maddie says:

        Oh HG is 100% a man ;))))

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    No longer in misery from that.

  10. rescuenomore says:

    An interesting point HG, about being created. I agree to a certain level as I know I was created to serve Nm and Twin NB. I also know, like many other empaths, I also have Narc tendencies that have not, on reflection, (eg: being told there is a reason I will be living by myself) served me very well.

    The Twin NB has always been the way he is. Perhaps I can do a world study about this !!.

    The big difference I discovered about myself is having excess guilt, beating myself up all the time, self blaming. I realise this is part of my personality and part creation due to being made responsible for everything that goes wrong and I cant fix. Naturally NM locks onto this and winds me up even more.

    This would seem to be a major difference between true narc thinking and an empath with narc tendencies. The ability to feel no guilt and having excess guilt about everything, Of course this level of excessive and inappropriate guilt prevents me from moving forward.

    Academically, I know quite well that I cannot be responsible for so many situations, however, my mind is so defaulted into this position, I cant properly talk my self out of it.

    HG, are you able to provide an insight on how I can reduce my overt self guilt without being totally switching off.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your ability to feel guilt is an inherent trait of yours. I would suggest that you need to benchmark it. If you have a “normal” friend who does not suffer from guilt in the way that you do, I would suggest explaining how you feel about a situation and ask them if they would feel guilty. If they answer no, or a little yet you feel considerable guilt, then understand that this is your reaction but an excessive one. You have a comparison. Knowing it to be excessive you can then consider how you can ameliorate it, by distracting yourself, focussing on other matters so you condition yourself to recognise excess guilt and then dissipate it.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        Interesting reply HG, so someone who experiences massive amounts of guilt, shame and self blame, remorse, self reflection, most definitely could not be a Narcissist. But, because the Narcissisit in their life is jealous of their own inability to feel these emotions, intentionally places further shame and guilt upon them by impressing his own disorder and traits upon the empath? Most likely because the Narcissist feels threatened by their expansive emotional traits and their ability to see behind the Narcissists mask?
        Great question rescue no more, I too had a Narcissistic mum and identical twin. I ask feel for too much guilt, blame and shame. Unproportionately for situations.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Of course there is a world of difference between somebody who actually experiences those emotions and someone who claims to do so for the sake of appearances.
          A narcissist will not experience guilt, self blame nor remorse and rarely engages (if at all) in self reflection because the first three are not traits that he or she has been created with and the latter is entirely redundant in order to enable what we want to achieve.
          Guilt is used as a weapon against empathic individuals because they feel it especially so and thus become chained by it. It allows us to exert control.

          1. Poetic_Me says:

            It is most cruel behaviour, he used it against me continuously. Then he would tell me to not feel so guilty. When he knew exactly how I feel. He knew how I reacted and felt emotionally and he mocked me by feigned my genuine emotions. When he felt nothing. But envy and jealousy and anger and hatred. It still makes me sad for him. As I will only ever love him and never hate him.
            Thank you for explaining HG.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            He evidently knew which buttons to press with you. You are welcome.

          3. Poetic_Me says:

            Yes, he evidently did. I concur.

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        You have a beautiful baritone voice.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          True and thank you.

  11. Poetic_Me says:

    That is not an ambiguous answer at all…possibly, as the answer unilaterally to all three questions I posed? Watch this space, sort of thing then?

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        Thank you, I admit those last two replies made me laugh.

      2. Leilani says:

        On my last champ, c u soon. Who is Kim? Did you change my name?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, very good.

  12. Poetic_Me says:

    Regarding your comment above HG, you discussed this with someone outside of the blog…someone in your life who knows you are narcissist? How many know what you are , outside of your family and these social media forums? Does your primary source girlfriend know yet? It has going in almost a year isn’t it?

    HG you say you lurk on the support group forums, do you post as well and direct people to your own blog?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, someone who knows I am a narcissist but we do not know one another in “real life”.
      Very few indeed.
      No.
      No.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        What do you mean you do not know them in real life? No to your girlfriend question, are you not still with her? Have you found another primary source other then the one you call, Kim?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I mean I do not know them in real life, day to day, outside of the blog/FB/twitter/e-mail/pinterest environment.

          1. Poetic_Me says:

            Okay, I understand now regarding your engagements off the blog, et cetera.
            Will you ever, reveal yourself here, to your loyal audience? Or will you only ever be HG, to those On the blog and someone else to those you engage off blog and In your real life? Is an unveiling of self, ever a possibility in this venue?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            possibly.

  13. B says:

    “People say I make strange choices, but they’re not strange for me. My sickness is that I’m fascinated by human behavior, by what’s underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.” This is my favorite quote by Johnny Depp. This is me. For other’s it is easy to point the finger and blame the person whose behavior they do not understand as they walk away with self pitty and hate towards that person. They claim to have the morals that make them a good person, yet they are so hypocritical. They judge and bash the person that is different from what they know to be normal. They only know their way and they stay focused on only what they know, leaving them stuck in self pitty. HG, you have descibed yourself as being closed minded and many of us who have encountered your kind would jump to agree. What they do not realize is that they are criticizing you for the very same thing that they are guilty of. I personally would like to thank you for the opportunity to get into your mind so that I can view the world through your eyes. This has helps me to understand a behavior that is different from mine. My advice to our kind is to open your mind, understand the behavior not from your view, but from their view and most importantly forgive. So brush yourself off, find your own answers, and unf**k yourself.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you B. It is interesting and I was discussing this with someone else earlier today. I have spent time observing behaviours in FB support groups and similar online places. I lurk in the shadows observing and learning. Aside from the information that I acquire, I have noticed the following.

      1. Such places are hunting grounds for your kind and I have detailed as such in Sitting Target;
      2. I understand that our kind have hurt many people and often to significant degrees. I understand this breeds hatred and mistrust of our kind. This is a natural response.
      3. Notwithstanding that point, there are people who spend their time just whining. Don’t get me wrong, it is fuel and I am not referring to those people who recount what they have been through but those who post every single day on fb forums about the latest transgression and then sit back and wait for the likes and the comments of “he’s a bastard” to mount up, but they never do anything other than this. it is clear to me that certain individuals want the attention.
      4. there are the narc bashing brigade. as I wrote, I get this, but they do not seem to realise that all they are doing is providing fuel. I also noticed a propensity for people of this nature to round on anybody in the group who advances an alternative view or who might state something like “I feel sorry for the narcs because x,y,z”. They are then rounded on and accused of being a narc. So much for empathy and allowing people to advance their own opinions. This holier than thou attitude and judgemental approach is fascinating.
      5. There are people in those groups who clearly need help. There are people in those groups who are trying to help.
      6. The opportunity to understand (you do not have to agree) our perspective is the key to grasping understanding, achieving freedom and moving forward. There remains people who just do not get that and would much rather narc bash than try to understand the behaviour.

      This leads me to state and I have always done so when asked about this by people that I am actually proud of the people who post here. Occasionally there is the “HG you should be shot” commenter, I don’t mind that, that person is hurt and it is fuel. They usually wander off when I exhibit my controlled response and say “hello mum”. Beyond this I recognise a collective of people who want to understand, who want to share their experiences and who realise that they can seize the power by asking questions, reading and interacting in a respectful manner and gain insight and knowledge from an impeccable and unrivalled source. The questions are interesting and I like to answer them. I enjoy the interaction and it always strikes me that when I compare the inhabitants of these other forums and compare them to the people who post here, there is a considerable difference in the outlook and mentality of those who interact here.

      so then I wondered how is it that there is a cohort of open-minded, intelligent, questioning and respectful posters here in far greater numbers than anywhere else?

      I soon reached the conclusion.

      It’s down to me of course! How could it be anything else?!

      1. Maddie says:

        Oh dear G! LIKED YOUR COMMENT A LOT. very mature
        And Of course it is down to You xxx

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        It really is down to you. Still would love it if you heal.

      3. Fool me 1 time says:

        Of course it is you!! Silly goose!! That is why I am still here! Always learning! I do not care what anyone else has to say really!! As for science? It changes all the time!! They have never met you or the people on this blog that support you!! If anyone can beat this, it is you HG!!! I know it will not happen over night! You did not get this way over night! But you will win!! You always do!!!! Xxx

      4. Indy says:

        Beautiful response. It is you! We are all here trying to understand one another and all of our own wounds and ALL of our healing (if desired) and recognize we are all humans with good, bad, ugly and beauty within. You have created a beautiful, humorous, deep, sad, scary and inspiring place. A dialectic. Where black and white meets gray. Carry on! You got this!

      5. Exhausted says:

        HG I know why I am on and also why I choose to participate and comment here and not other sites.
        1. To learn how a narcissist thinks
        2. You answer my questions
        3. I feel safe here. No one is yelling at me to leave now, that I’m crazy for staying another minute, or a bunch of I’m so sorry hon (not that I don’t appreciate those but it truly doesn’t help my situation)
        4. Being completely anonymous. Most sites are linked to social media accounts and identifiable
        5. The conversations in the comments are awesome! I really love interacting with these people from different walk of life yet similar experiences and the Head Master HG is incredible.

        So with that said I have another question its a serious one that may require a blog entry if there isn’t one already. How do you feel about your Father staying with your mother given her treatment of him and your siblings and yourself? Do you think given he was well educated that he knew what she was? This would really help me right now.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He was strong for staying. He was weak for not going. I will be writing much more about the relationship my father had with my mother. Thank you very much for your kind observations all of which I naturally agree with!

      6. Exhausted says:

        But of course Sir. This is HGU isn’t it? I’m sure that’s where I ment to enroll 🤓

      7. lansealan says:

        I’m very glad I went back into the archives (accidently)and saw this post of yours. Don’t think I ve read such a candid and relaxed expose of your thoughts n feelings👍Have a lot to say (as usual) however will summise my thoughts to “impressive”
        (ha…this might sound strange, but I’m feeling somewhat proud of you)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you.

    2. Steeviann says:

      are you are Narc too.

  14. Victory2016 says:

    I understand there is no good in you. Your brain is not wired correctly & that cannot be changed. I will not give you empathy( fuel) but I can understand. I hope the other commenters do more homework into the neuroscience that creates NSP’s so they will quit looking for the good & being victimized. It took 3x’s for me to start learning. Thank you for helping me HG.

    1. Maddie says:

      I’ve read a lot and not having wired correctly brain (which btw can be done during pregnancy or childhood where cortisol hormones play a massive role in neuro development ) hardly makes him or any narcissist guilty or bad, doesn’t it.?Some scientists believe it can be fixed reversed and I am not disputing it but they are still humans and they haven’t done it to themselves. Some people here aren’t aware as You said about the neuro development and the effects of it.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        I am aware that HG is human. I have never disputed that. He as we all so has good and bad.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          thank you

          1. 1jaded1 says:

            You are welcome.

      2. Maddie says:

        My comment was to Victory 2016…

      3. Victory2017 says:

        I once possessed your optimism. 3 horrible relationships later I learned more. You’re on the right track but read more. It can also be genetic. Possibly correctable in the future but not currently. The only forgiveness I can muster for the last is wether genetic or environmental ( abuse, abandonment , etc) it is not his fault. No 1 reason they don’t change is they think they’re better than normals & empaths& don’t want to. I will however wish you love & healing Maddie on your journey. Keep learning. And remember, Don’t Feed the Narcissist!

      4. Steeviann says:

        My brain seemed to have gone under a massive change when I became pregnant. I had severe headaches and they did brain scans. Their conclusion was I was pushing more blood through the vessels, therefore, causing the massive headaches. I came out on the other side with a kinder disposition. I think it softened me.

  15. ally says:

    The posts you write definitely add not only to my understanding but acceptance of Narcissism.
    Also a plus is I can now control my emotions since reading your work, was unable to before.
    I can put myself in your shoes, but would need to take them straight off again!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for letting me know Ally. You are seizing the power.

  16. 1jaded1 says:

    You have good in you and are good, HG. Please don’t forget it…vinyl record scratches and repeats. I have refused food due to an eating disorder. It still sometimes bothers me to eat. The empty in my stomach is something that I can control. The refusal to consume food.

    I am angry with your mom. She makes me ill.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I understand your need for control and the link with eating. One of my former girlfriends had a significant eating disorder and it all revolved around control.

      You can help me bring her down if you like.

      1. Evan711 says:

        I’ll support that plan…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That pleases me considerably Evan.

      2. Maddie says:

        Yes I agree. The only thing we can control as humans if we have nothing left around us is eating… the empty stomach reminds us that we are alive and in control of our bodies.

      3. 1jaded1 says:

        How? Details please.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          How what?

      4. 1jaded1 says:

        How? Details please.

      5. 1jaded1 says:

        We exert our control in various means, no?

      6. 1jaded1 says:

        How do you think someone like me could help you bring her down?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          rolling out my machinations from left of centre.

      7. 1jaded1 says:

        Hmm…I’m inferiour to her (and your) superiour. I just don’t see it happening.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          doesn’t matter what you are with reference to her, you get a super boost to your powers by allying with team hg

      8. Steeviann says:

        Leave her be. The fact she has an eating disorder should bring forth fuel as you know she is in misery.
        Move on with this energy to bigger and better sources.

  17. apocalipznow says:

    This analogy really puts it into perspective. Good job.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Apocalipznow, where have you been hiding?

      1. apocalipznow says:

        I’ve been in California, where I’m from. Ive lived in Texas for the past 20 years and am starting the process of moving back home. Yay…

  18. Fool me 1 time says:

    You are a good man to whom horrible things have been done!! This is the only way you know how to survive! But don’t you see? You said it your self HG, your a good man! Since you are a good man and do know the difference between right and wrong you know this is wrong! It is not your fault! But yet it is up to you and only you to change it! I believe that you can if it is what you truly want to do. You were not born this way! You were turned this way in order to survive, to protect your self from the hurt and pain that another has caused you! You are so intelligent, charming, hard working, and talented! You do not need fuel from others to survive! You have your own fuel,you just have to see it there for your self and believe it! The next time you look in the mirror, look past the creature that you see there! It is not you!! You, the real you is still in there, please don’t ever give up on bringing the real you back!! Xxx

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      Love how you put this, FM1T.

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        Thank you jaded.

    2. mallgood2016 says:

      It IS the “real” him NOW.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        He has good in him. I am not kissing ass. Nope.

  19. Leilani says:

    Yes HG, you are not a bad person. I rest my case on this one. Fuel. By the way, day off today. Gathering ingredients to cook.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Are you foraging?

      1. Leilani says:

        You must have your camera on me, you know all too well HG. Will keep you posted on what I get in hiding.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’m watching. Don’t pick those red berries, they aren’t good for you but here, take this golden apple.

          1. Leilani says:

            Got it HG. It’s delicious. No worries, it will be primary. What the heck, forget the red berries.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            That’s the spirit. You can have a golden apple every day for the rest of your life….

          3. Leilani says:

            Feed me.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Hang on, hang on, this is the wrong way around.

          5. Leilani says:

            I know how you feel. Is there anything I can do to help HG?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            I have an itch on my left shoulder blade, could you scratch that for me?

          7. Leilani says:

            I thought I scratched it the other night HG for heavens sake. Ok, I have till 2am BH, Cali time. Be there soon, but got to @4am. Work tomorrow. R u ready?

          8. HG Tudor says:

            I know but there is always that nagging itch, I am sure you know what I mean. I am ready.

          9. Leilani says:

            Unbelievable HG, ok. But don’t forget your fans. You are much needed. What’s the closest port the Cessna can pick you up from? Or do you need me to come forth?

          10. HG Tudor says:

            London docklands please.

  20. RMG says:

    The survival instinct is strong, not one easy to override.
    I don’t always agree with choices people make yet we all are given a path we must walk and sometimes that path is alone.

  21. lmmc says:

    Then how do you explain the married psychopath that does not cheat? Surely after a period of time the fuel must run low with the wife.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How do you know he does not cheat?

      1. lmmc says:

        Because he knows his wife will leave him.

  22. Maddie says:

    Dear G. THIS THIS THIS IS SO SPOT ON! Only You could write it as it’s Your blog…but when people judge…judge You…me… they have no idea what have created us…we all can have similar experiences but none of us was ever living life of others…different countries. ..cities. .schools. ..parents..peers…nobody is BAD…and there is always the end of it… I loved this postbas this is the way I think pf others…made me emotional…. Thank You for being You 💖

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