Optimistic Eyes

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

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36 thoughts on “Optimistic Eyes”

  1. No matter how much I comment or understand I’m still reapping with jealousy because somebody else has him and not me hate it tired of it I want to be not jealous completely and have some peace . The problem is that my jealousy is the size of Asia and Montana all put together not to mention th entire orient because of him of course I say orient as an exaggeration to make a point yanks for listening .

    1. Just remember what they have. Your jealousy is what will destroy you. I know the ego is a monster in itself but you must acknowledge it. Just keep telling yourself what she has actually. Your broken leftover.

      1. I feel the same Clary, my ex and his new target celebrated their 1 st wedding anniversary in the 12/09.
        Sometimes it really gets to me.

  2. You’re nuts you reep
    What you sow that answered your questions dumbass stop flying in hoodleyland come join the reality people God that must’ve hurted

    1. I am told my eyes shoot out firworks when I am excited or happy. I actually can feel this. But if I am upset, I can feel the monster that is laying in wait and you can see this too.

    1. This hurts though. I wish you could look into your eyes and see the good in you. You do have compassion in you. It is sad that in your mind, someone stripped it away.

      It sounds like you were relying on Amanda to bring it back. Do you plan on writing more about her? She touched your existent soul.

      1. Yes 1jaded I will be writing more about Amanda. She is integral to a number of revelations which are in the pipeline and matters which have arisen as a consequence of my interaction with the good doctors.

  3. If you see the promise of salvation in their eyes, and that is what you covet of them because of their virtuous nature, how is it you can feel so superior over them at the same time? You have your strengths and weaknesses. They have theirs. It’s a level playing field.

    1. Just to add, I interpret this piece showing how your construct makes you feel invincible but under that, is immense insecurity and fear of abandonment.

  4. And this is why I feel guilty. It breaks my heart to hear that because I can hear my ex thinking all those things. I know she believed in her mind that she had done everything possible to make our relationship work. In her mind she wanted us to be together forever. She thinks I’m the one who ruined everything and broke her heart. She thinks I lied. She thinks that I abandoned her. She thinks I betrayed her. I hate thinking of all of those things because what I wanted was the complete opposite. I just wanted a friend and I wanted to love her.

  5. Never make another human your savior, your God, your salvation. Find a high power. When you make a person your higher power, you are codependent and addicted to that person and their actions/emotions. It may not be the definition of codependency in this blog, though it is the definition of codependency as defined by the 12 step world (the ones who created the term).

    The “concept of co-dependence “comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of a dawning realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic.”[2] It was subsequently broadened to cover the way “that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval, sustenance, and so on.”

    Find a higher power, not a higher pedestal.

    1. Hi Indy, hope you are doing ok and your ex is leaving you alone. I found that post really interesting. Thanks for sharing that.

  6. “All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.”

    I can empatahsize how this must feel…disappointing, frustrating, and infuriating…to be let down over and over. I am sorry this happens. All I can do is offer you a verse that may or may not help you

    1 John 4:8;18-19: Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love…There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. The one who fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us.

    You do have the choice and control on who you put your faith in, but as the superior one, why would you mimic an inferior person’s ideal of perfect love? that control who he is inferior? Give it to God. There is a battle for your soul – God loves the creature you hide – He loves you. All the love I have my heart is from God. It is not my own either, but for as long as you are living on this planet, He is fighting for you…and fighting very hard, but He loves you enough to let you choose too 🙂

  7. This is not a direct Critisicm but could it be that it’s a two way thing.
    The perfect love dwindles and thus so does the admiration.

    Just a thought as that’s how I feel my relationship went.

    He started not paying me attention was constantly texting others, always too tired to go or do anything. He became very lazy. So my admiration began to slip as j was sad and frustrated. I cared for him thinking he would return to health, but he was like a roller coaster up and down. Then became very distant and bang move over new supply has arrived .

  8. HG,
    Cannot this post be looked at both ways? We had our eyes on you and you let us down. You got abusive. You stopped providing. You couldn’t keep up the lie. It was bound to fall apart because it is unrealistic expectations on both sides. The euphoria is based on false feelings. They are surface not deep. Why? Because you’re not really giving anything. You’re reflecting me. I’m alone in the relationship from the beginning. You are an imaginary friend. Who plays nice with me then tries to kill me in the night. I don’t want to hurt myself, that reflection is all you. If I fell in love with a reflection of myself that you displayed so brilliantly, then I would tell myself/us to listen to Adeles’ All I Ask. Cry because we played pretend. We knew it was inevitable. Take the memories you gave me and then I would go find a human, not another imaginary friend.

    1. Indeed Foxy, as you have no doubt identified, many of the articles can be interpreted in different ways which is to highlight two things. The first being that so much of the narcissistic relationship is based on perspectives and secondly to show just how similar at times my kind and your kind are, yet then other times we are worlds apart.

  9. We both know the “screeching, moaning tormentors” aren’t going anywhere. They live rent free in what you call the “sanctuary”.

  10. HG no one should feel like that, my heart broke just reading this. The struggle is real, and very few would even understand.

  11. This makes me hurt for you rather it is the truth or it is your sugar coated way of placing blame on something else. This is the moment that most of us wish we had some magical box that when opened could suck the deep dark demons from your soul… We never wanted to hurt you and our love does not waiver, the sanctuary you search for is always there but you already allowed the door to your demons to slowly creak open on its own. We fight to show you our light, we fight because we know that you are still there but will you fight with us and stand tall or bow out and let the demons ruin what could have been the most sweetest fuel you have ever received?

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