A Question of Consent

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Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –

  1. Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
  2. Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
  3. You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
  4. We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
  5. Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtain.

This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?

With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.

“We share everything in this house.”

“What’s yours is mine.”

“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”

“No I didn’t use it.”

“It wasn’t me.”

“Somebody else must have taken it.”

He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit your complaining or you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.

The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.

“I thought I had already asked you.”

“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”

“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”

“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”

“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”

“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”

The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.

“But you didn’t mind last time.”

“Last time you said it was okay.”

“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”

The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.

What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.

“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”

“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”

“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”

“I never thought of you as boring, everybody else does it you know?”

“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”

The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.

The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.

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26 thoughts on “A Question of Consent”

  1. Dear Juggernaut,
    I will not end up like The doormat post from the other day. What you have failed to realize is that you are a bull in a China shop. It is only a matter of time before you slice yourself to death on the shards of the fine china you’ve destroyed. You are locked in said China shop because you keep looking for that perfect “piece”. It doesn’t exist. It’s an urban legend.
    Wishing you the best,
    The One & Only Unicorn.

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  2. Oh yes, if you don’t do what I want, I’ll publish those pictures of you…well, I won’t just upload them to the Internet RANDOMLY, no, I’ll email them to your boss, your family, your friends, everyone you respect.

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  3. So is the Greater Narcissist’s pressurized consent more geared towards the ultimate devaluation of the target? Like bringing her or him down to a level that the narcissist does not respect but must inflict to maintain control for fuel? or am I out in left field…again…?

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  4. I think I’ve been with each types…the greater my last. Funny thing is that I would respond to him with “go head, you act like my life ends if you leave, or cheat or whatever” but eventually I caved. Why? Because those stupid manipulative words made me feel like I wasn’t holding up my end of the relationship, all the while he was taking easy Street because I did the hard work, I held both of us up.
    As stupid as this sounds, I don’t mind the hard work but not if I constantly get treated like I’m not worth the time…

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  5. It would be interesting to hear one of your old ex-girlfriend stories where you used coercion and/ or emotional blackmail. I always like having those as a point of reference. Did your ex-wife get subjected to this more or less that past girlfriends?

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  6. Consent is case by case basis. Always.

    I can buy my own damn dinner.

    Bye.

    This is why I never let you photograph me.

    That’s okay. I AM boring. Go find everyone else or one other else.

    Go back to your ex. She is waiting for you.

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  7. “We are access all areas;” Is that a clever meme reference? It’s very Zero Wing. “Somebody set up us the Lovebomb!” … “All your base are belong to us..You are on the way to devaluation..You have no chance to survive discard make your time.”

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  8. For some reason this just made me smirk and shake my head a little originally, and eventually, smile. I find such things almost somewhat amusing these days…hmm…food for thought for me perhaps?
    Thanks for the post HG.

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      1. G’day HG
        Hope this finds you well.
        I typed a reply of sorts and before I could finish it, wordpress crashed and my phone turned off. So, I’ll take that as a sign for me not to express any details – 4th time this has happened to me here since your blog opened and always when I truly open up (I guess one never knows who is on a public forum for providing details and I find it hard to hold back of myself in general).

        Lessons being learned in every way, daily; by myself and many others that surround me. Whether we each like them or not! A roller coaster of events and emotions…thankful for relatively newly found
        boundaries that I enforce with many things I have learnt and that you, yourself, have highlighted….

        It’s getting warmer each day here and the beach etc is looking enticing. I’m ready for some quality me time; outdoors. I miss doing yoga outdoors. I long to get out of my clothes and get some sun on me, fire up the barbie and soak up all summer has to offer. I love the views in every aspect at the beach 😉
        I’ve had alot of intermittent me time over winter, and grown as a result of it. I randomly “drive by” your blog, whenever my life requires some kind of a reminder…and always find it somewhere here amongst your writings and the comments of your followers; affectionately now thought of as “my tribe”.
        Ever grateful for your shared knowledge (your books are a blessing and I’d love more youtube or perhaps, audiobooks for many reasons, but also, as it’s lovely to hear your voice)…you are indeed the voice on my shoulder often when I stumble with your kind. For that I will always cherish your skill and presence.
        I prefer not to intrude on your privacy, so I will simply wish you well, as opposed to asking about you. I hope you are seeking all that you need in your world and finding more peace, without severe consequence to any these days. (Yes, I still hold out hope for everyone to be “heartfelt” happy and maybe in my lifetime that will happen…I’d love to see us all heal and not need others so much to find our place in the world and bloom…and that, includes all of us!)
        I know you feel that you need not to be wished any luck, as your life and interactions are carefully planned and orchestrated by you and so, you feel you enjoy the challenge and rewards your methods bring. So I do not wish to relay any other sentiment really other than…I wish you enough of all that you truly need HG. I wish that for us all.
        Thanks for enquiring how things are. Perhaps, in “another life”, I may have been able to share more with you considering the “safe” distance of wordpress. Unfortunately, this current life though, is a little too complicated to do that. And I’m learning to not be so open and giving of myself (details); thanks to you. Sorry for the somewhat impersonal and boring reply. I’m often writing on my mobile phone, which limits my view of the screen to see what I have written. Sorry if I repeated myself, as I am often interrupted whilst writing. Hence, why I only ever really write a small amount on my blog, as my train of thought is often interrupted. I’m more interested in self growth and psychology at the moment. The human mind is fascinating. The affect trauma has on it, is even more so. It helps me to understand myself and others and to maintain my empath, compassion for others and to develop patience and the like for myself…from a somewhat safer distance; as a detached observer.

        I’m still waiting for the book about the creature. I’ll keep my eye out for it…perhaps the most valuable of your writings, to me, yet!? And the book about your mother…We shall see….

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      2. Thank you CE and also for the update. Audiobooks are in the pipeline as are more YouTube but cannot provide definite dates. The Creature, Matrinarc and Little Boy Lost are all works in progress and you will see them advertised when they are published. It seems to me that you are maintaining your defences and have certainly learned well. Thanks for your kind sentiments as well.

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      3. Sounds great! And all heartfelt 😊
        As for me…I stumble, I fall when no one sees me now, and I fight as hard as I need to, when I need to…and withhold, give silent treatments and remain impersonal and business like when needed and care also when needed. I’m not great on the inside, but hiding it well, as I build my strength and believe in my stance more each day. My situation is very complicated yet I’m proud of myself most of the time and I know I’m doing okay by their reaction (its truly helped along with your voice slapping me back into reality, if I find myself believing the performances before me and watch as a detached observer and often respond as one. I’m healing. A “work in progress” that is best served by finding my joy and controlling the controllables for each moment.

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      4. I am well aware of that HG. Picking my battles and allowing others to think they have won now is much more sensible at times. I would fight for something before but always seen as controlling. Now its less emotion and more thinking from a “distance (even if close by)

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