Shifting the Sands

You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle. No matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of squirming free, walking away and carrying on as normal. It is like trying to fight a battle with a rusty and nicked sword and one hand tied behind your back. It is akin to those dreams where you try to run but find you cannot move. You try to scream but no sound comes from your throat. Every move you make appears to have been anticipated. You play a full house in poker and I produce a royal flush but where did that extra king appear from? I always have something up my sleeve. You are chasing the end of the rainbow but it always keeps shifting, just a little bit further away. You are getting nearer, closing on your goal and then it moves again. You think you have mastered the rules and then we introduce a new one which suits our purposes.

          Last week we complimented the steak pie that you made. Our praise was effusive and it was a delightful hiatus in the otherwise unpleasant treatment you had been receiving. You decide to play this winning hand again and proudly place it in the centre of the table only to be met with a sigh and a roll of the eyes.

“What’s the matter? You loved the steak pie I made last week.”

“I don’t want to eat steak pie.”

“Why what’s wrong?”

“Why must there always be something wrong. I do not want steak pie.”

“But you did last week?”

“That was then and this is now.”

Cue scathing put downs and storming from the table leaving you bewildered and upset. You don’t make steak pie again only to be scolded the following week.

“What’s happened to the steak pie? Why have you stopped making it when you know that it is my favourite?”

You dress up to the nines and you are called slutty. You dress down and you are upbraided for not putting the effort in. You try to cuddle us in the night and an elbow is jabbed into your chest because you are making us too hot. Two hours later we wake you up and ask you why you stopped hugging us. We tell you that we will be in by seven and then appear at nine. You are forbidden from questioning us about this. You are not entitled to do so. We do as we please. You buy an expensive gift for our birthday and you are told that it is not as good as last year. The following year you really push the boat out to be told you have spent too much and we just wanted something simple. You re-decorate and select a rich chocolate brown. We declare it to be the wrong shade and point to a colour that looks no different. We will not let the matter rest until you have changed it. Once applied it appears the same. We declare we want to go out for dinner and you get ready only for us to decide we would rather stay in and watch sport.

          Whatever you do it is always wrong, never correct, not good enough and an erroneous choice. No matter how many times you ask what we want, you still make the wrong choice. You suggest that we do it ourselves and you are accused of not caring. You confirm you will deal with it and you are a control freak who will not allow us to breathe on our own. Whatever you decide to do or say we will find a way of twisting it around so it suits us. Our logic seems entirely warped to you but to us it makes perfect sense because the only logic we adhere is that which means whatever we say is right, even when we show rank hypocrisy or we contradict ourselves. We can reason away every contradiction you point out to us and if you somehow back us into a corner then we will just accuse you of badgering us, change the subject or walk away. In our minds we win every single time.

          We cast you aside telling you that you have let yourself go and we cannot be with you. You see us the next week and we are with someone less attractive than you, carrying more weight and who holds down a job less prestigious that yours. You cannot comprehend why we let you go and chose her instead, especially after what we said. You stare open-mouthed and scratch your head. To us we win again because we have acquired someone new whose fuel is better than anything you have ever provided and in addition we have got to you, so you pour out the negative fuel. If we had suddenly appeared with a supermodel instead you might talk a small degree of comfort in thinking that you could not compete with this person but do not let that think you have secured some kind of small victory. In our minds this just reaffirms that we were right to leave you and trade up.

          You catch us in bed with someone else. It is not our fault. If you loved us properly we would not have to stray. You show us complete love and devotion and nobody could ever accuse you of selling us short in the bedroom. We accuse you of having too high a sex drive because you must be getting it elsewhere. If you apply reason and logic, especially towards one of our lesser brethren, then they will ignore the force of your words and instead accuse you of trying to belittle and bamboozle them with long words plucked from the dictionary and why do you always have to patronise them with such words and sentences. Whatever you choose, whatever you decide, whatever you do it will always be wrong and whatever we do will always be right. Accuse us as much as you like for being twisted, illogical and difficult and we will be in your face pointing out how you always have to try and get one over us. Black becomes white and then becomes yellow. Nothing makes sense with us but that is because it makes complete sense to us. Our approach is to gather fuel and that means we can and must do so through any means even if that does not stack up when looked at from your point of view. This warped and stretched approach allows us to achieve our aims, we confuse and bewilder you, we upset and anger you, we control you and each and every time we know that we have succeeded. Like the most deluded Minister of Propaganda we claim to have defeated you even as your tanks roll past us in the background. We see only what we want to see and we are impervious to all of your reason. We will never accept what you tell us because that does not accord with what we set out to achieve and what we must achieve. Of course this will not stop you trying. You try to defeat us as we replace your arrows with celery sticks and your sword with a stale baguette. We never fight fair. Your frustration, annoyance and inability to comprehend why we do this is what keeps you bound to us and allows us to keep on doing what we must keep on doing. Extracting fuel.

          So, go ahead, build that tower, build it high with the stones that adhere to your beliefs and principles, from stone that is beautifully cut and polished, that anybody would admire and cherish, but let us see how you build that tower when the sands beneath constantly shift and alter. This is what it is to be entangled with us.

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66 thoughts on “Shifting the Sands”

  1. God and I thought I was crazy. Thanks for reminding me I’m not HG. Very sweet and kind and loving of you. I know you wrote that just to help all of us. What would we ever do without you to guide and direct us? I’d be lost…so so lost. And sad, so so sad if I didn’t have you….in fact I’d say I’d be incomplete as a human being. Thank you sooooo much. Ooh look my other 6 Narcs are here….which one should I let hoover me? *throws advice out window*

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    1. Hahaha, I know Foxy Loxy and I just did that too. (Was hoovered pretty hard over the past couple weeks by my ex and broke today with one phone call to assert NC and take care of loose ends) Feeling a mix of peace, closure, and some guilt as I worked hard to get 2 months NC and hopping back on the NC wagon. Day 1 😊 and I see truth in your words!

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      1. Indy good luck with NC again. It’s always a step backward before more steps forward. I know you will be successful. Xx. Have a good day.

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      1. Thank you PM and SW, all has been quiet and calm 😊 NC for 9 days and all faired well. Wishing you both peace and joy 💙

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      2. That’s great to hear!!!! 9 days behind behind you. Hope the hoovers get less and less for you. ❤️❤️🍎

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  2. Sometimes just sometimes!! We’re one step ahead of you! I always was anyway . I was on to him a long time ago . The only reason he managed to discard me in such a brutal way was because he got me in an intoxicated vulnerable state , otherwise the fucking shit house coward would of had no chance!!

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  3. After months of research, I am convinced I am living with a narcissist. Tell me how to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get away from the relationship I am in.

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    1. Hello Heather,

      The key is to cross the emotional sea and gain understanding so you approach this task with logic and reason. To gain understanding you need to read, question and comment.
      Keep reading this blog, ask questions of me and others who post here. Build up your armoury. Read Departure Imminent, Manipulated, Fuel, Devil’s Toolkit, Black Flag, Escape and No Contact of my books as a minimum and this will move you along the process of dusting yourself down and then escaping.

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    2. Run….he’s told you over and over..
      No contact…
      Its your ONLY way out…
      If HE’S good… You’ll get sucked back in…block him….RUN
      Never look back..

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  4. Since now after reading your books I know you like attention, chuckle, so would you be interested in doing another radio show, skype, “Caravan to Midnight”? I subscribe to this show, and happy to say I got off “the bus for bozos” and joined the caravan! Check it out on u-tube…John B Wells is the interviewer and the spot would be at the least 1 hour, but in your case quite possibly 3 hours…

    On Fri, Sep 9, 2016 at 4:24 PM, Knowing the Narcissist wrote:

    > HG Tudor posted: ” You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent > that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a > vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle. No > matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of sq” >

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      1. I commented on another post and thought it didn’t go through so sent it again. They’re both waiting for moderation. I asked some questions. Is that why they’r not approved? thank you

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  5. The abuse I took… All for the sake of ” love” is that what you call it? I call it being manipulated… How sick was I to go as far as I did… I am still recovering as I cry still for the torture and time wasted as well as the pathetic effort… There goes a year and a half I can never get back… You ought have a warning label tattoed to your head

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    1. Ditto jessica 7 months nc for me – after 18 months together , im nowhere near healed , its agony and all cos i loved and cherished an illusion .
      I keep reading waiting for my lightbulb moment

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      1. Hi Jess & Christine .

        I’m 19 months NC now and it really does get easier in as far as not wanting to make contact with them .

        The most difficult part is trying to heal emotionally, for me that’s still a daily battle. I still wake up & think about him and do several times a day, but my thoughts are hate filled. I can’t remember a single happy time, which is great because it makes it so much easier to hate him even more , always a bonus ! 🙂

        All I can say is take a day at a time like your doing . I was 14 years. Do I feel I wasted them ? some times, but it’s more peace of mind that I managed to break free before he had the chance to kill me . That’s priceless. x

        Looking forward to the day I wake up & just feel indifference 🙂 One day soon for all of us I hope .

        So Sad x

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      2. Hi Christine and Jessica, it’s the same for me. I get small lightbulb moments but it doesn’t stop your heart from hurting. Some days are still hard to get through. I went back to work this week and all it did was trigger memories of my relationship and how every minute of my day was spent with my ex. I missed her this week😓

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  6. Do you think you will ever write about the Creature? I read in your books that apparently I have one in me too… yet I never knew about her/him/it.
    Why wouldn’t I let mine come out to play?

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      1. I appreciate you writing it. I am having a hard time understanding what this creature is and why it needs to be imprisoned. If it is the essence of me, then why would I not nurture it? I look forward to your words of wisdom.

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      2. Love,
        If you don’t understand what is meant by the creature, then you don’t have one.

        Maddie,
        You don’t feed the creature with love and serving others and accepting others. It is a monster and has to be let out, killed and dissected. After that process you can learn to be loving, serving and accepting of others. It doesn’t just go away on its own. It doesn’t suddenly shape shift into Mike Wazowsky or Sully. It aim is to kill, maim. By the way, you can’t self diagnose by books and blogs. You should seek a professional and work in tandem with blogs and books, otherwise you may have yourself all wrong. A professional is objective.

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      3. What if the creature just wants you to invite it in, put a blanket over its shoulders, give him a warm cup of tea and a cookie? Is that so bad dear HG?

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      4. On the face of it, no Bethany it would not be, but I know that it would throw the blanket off, throw the tea over me, crumble the cookie (which Alexis carefully cut) over my immaculate carpet and then wrap the blanket around me so I could not move and then torture me. The creature needs to stay where it is.

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      5. Thank you Foxy Lady. I have been very confused because I have all the traits of a co-dependent, minus fearing being alone and minus the creature.

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    1. After reading HGs brilliant books and whole blof I unserstood I have one (beast) too as a co-dependant who used to be a narcissist in teenage years up to late twenties. .. it turned out that I have been transformed(into co-dependant ) by stronger narcissists and went on different path during relationships with other narcissists (mother and two long term relationships)…but still can’t look into the mirror too long just like HG. .. I always hated that…didn’t know why… it’s like I don’t want to see “it” behind my eyes….I’m feeding it (or so it seems like) with serving, loving and accepting others unconditionally .. Dear G: hope You well. I’m worried about You xxx

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      1. Thank you for sharing Maddie. Can anyone really confirm they were a narcissist as a teenager? That was the time when we were overwhelmed with emotions, unbalanced, awkward, and at the peak of our insecurity. We desperately desired to fit in and impress our peers. Did you consciously transition from a narc to a codependent? I honestly don’t feel this beast within. I have insecurities everyday, sure. Yet I accept the thoughts and do not allow them to break me. It’s much easier to let them flow than to block them. I’m glad you’re healing with love. I’m very curious to learn more about this creature and who and what it is. It’s hard to grasp the thought of a separate entity within me.

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  7. And this is where understanding the rules is a real winner !!

    Whatever mine says or does to me I will counter it.

    If he has got angry with me, I’ll whisper in his ear how I love it when he gets angry, if he tries to punish me, I’ll enjoy the punishment and ask for more. If he’s trying to make me jealous (not that he could anymore and especially not with the low hanging fruit he keeps picking) I’ll tell him I love it when he tries to make me jealous.

    He tried to give me a punishment the other day, I asked for more. Even his leiutenant (the wannabe N) said to him in front of me, ‘you’re never gonna win with this one’. And that crocodile grin formed on his face. Which indicated to me that he plans to. The hoovers keep coming, he is desperate to taste the sweet fuel from a successful Hoover. But he doesn’t know that ‘I know’ and therefore his Hoover efforts are all futile.

    Okay HG, I’m leaning more towards him being a mid. But he knows exactly what he is though, I have no doubt of that at all.

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    1. just a question A. Because it always called my attention what are the criteria to consider someone else less. Is it more money, looks, education, european vs third world country?? all of the above, none of the above? I already asked T the same questiom but I did not receive an answer that I understood. She just told me something her fuel was better but I did not get an objective answer. Maybe you can give me that answer.

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      1. I don’t know about T as I haven’t seen the comment you refer to.

        But for me, what I refer to a ‘lesser’ or ‘lower’ what I mean is lower down the scale of N’ness. Either through intelligence or pervasiveness.

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    2. Alexis, everything you write is empowering, thank you. Hope you have fantastic weekend . Btw, what is a lower greater…is that like an okay greater…but not good greater or Greater?

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      1. thanks missy, that’s a lovely thing to say and means a lot to me.
        ‘A lower greater’ Just lower down the scale. So essentially beyond a mid-range N but only just 🙂

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  8. I’ve been sharing your articles with a couple of friends who have been through This and they simply can’t belwice how accurate you are about everything !

    I literally cannot wait to read about why the Drs think you became an N and that it was nurture over nature. How long ?

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  9. Thanks for the reminder HG! He’s not been gone as long as it sometimes seems but I think I’ve forgotten most of the BS already. This makes me appreciate my freedom from that confusion. My son still misses him but I’m glad he can learn how to be productive and constructive rather than not learn a thing amidst a chaotic home life. I think the ex has started some kind of negative process with the new target because I received a letter from both of them via lawyer claiming I was all manner of neglectful mother and that my son should live with them. I think he expected me to panic and see a lawyer myself which would have meant I raise any action and take in the burden of proof. I did not and instead called their lawyer to say he had lied (with examples), if he wanted to take this to court we will and meantime, if he wishes to contact me to arrange some sort of contact for our son, I am open to that. On the day he would have received my response, he disappeared from her home for two weeks. He’s back now but I imagine he’s a bit more himself (arrogant/defensive) after that?

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    1. You are welcome Sophie and it seems to me that you handled the recent situation well in the manner by which you responded. A post which will appear later today entitled “Save the Children” will be of interest to you.

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      1. Lol @ old hag. Yes, exactly. She doesn’t make too many appearances now. It once made an appearance as a sprite that grabbed my arms in a vice grip. When I broke free, it made haste to my late dad’s side of the armoire. Nexr day, that side was broken.

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      2. Did not. I had no reason to even touch it. I only did so tbat next morning out of curiosity. Then I asked my mom wtf was up with dad’s side of the armoire and she had no clue.

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      3. I’m kind of surprised about you bringing up old hag. Not many people gravitate to that term. I can see you being an incubus…particularly if one says no.

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      4. I am familiar with Old Hag Syndrome which is a form of sleep paralysis. I am also familiar with having had one involved in the entirety of my life.

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      5. Funny, yes. Old hag syndrome…or sprite…or little kid with dark eyes and fangs. Sleep paralysis. All can occur when sleeping at mom’s house. I didn’t want to go to the second scenario you mentioned. That still pisses me off too much.

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  10. “You dress up to the nines and you are called slutty. You dress down and you are upbraided for not putting the effort in. You try to cuddle us in the night and an elbow is jabbed into your chest because you are making us too hot. Two hours later we wake you up and ask you why you stopped hugging us. We tell you that we will be in by seven and then appear at nine.”

    MY LIFE!!! Always making me feel guilty and it was my fault if I got any compliments or attention. Still don’t take compliments without feeling guilty. Used this as a reason for his last discard…to attractive and he just can’t trust me😢

    His loss…not fine…cause this girl is mighty fine (no guilt)

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  11. I just got an email this morning where the Lt sent me an old newspaper article about a woman who was kidnapped and murdered. It was really out-of-the-blue. I believe she is implying that I should be afraid. Whether I sound paranoid, or not, I have this right due to what I’ve been thru with this entire thing. Anyway, if I wind up dead, I just want to say, it’s been a pleasure knowing you all…lol. (Nervous laugh)

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  12. Another brilliant article of truth from HG, and, once again reading about the ‘story of my life”.

    Taking HG advice from previous post about how I can (pretend ?) to be normal by asking others (normals) as to how they would react about certain things so I can obtain a baseline has been great.

    I have trusted normal friends who tell me how they have or would react in certain situations. Has been very beneficial.

    Who knows, my last breath could be, Wow, I get it now !!.

    Anyway, this post hits home as I always expect to be “wronged” in all that I say, do, don’t say, don’t do, that I “mind plan” a defence even before I open my gob or take any action. Having never been allowed to win (even when i know i am right)by NM and Twin NB, I am always in a state of “should I attack first, just in case”. Naturally, and non surprisingly, this hasn’t worked as I then get the all to familiar, bad guy label.

    Unfortunately, the other side of the coin is, say and do nothing that I can be attacked on (Stockholm syndrome). This of course doesn’t work as Narcs can find fault with you for the very fact you are breathing.

    Until recently, it always did my head in as to why NM/TNB were always in competition with me over everything. It seems so bizarre as to why anybody would just want to win for the sake of winning even in the obvious situation that it causes distress, anger, and a heap of other negative emotions just to be able to say “I won”.

    HG has provided the reason why this occurs (fuel)which has lessened my confused dumb and dumber why why why thinking.

    The other point is, often with narcs it is “false winning” . As an experienced nurse, I am argued with by NM/TNB when I know, from years of experience, that I am right, they still tell me I am wrong about something they know nothing about and I have years of knowledge about. I am not the enemy, for heavens sake, I am just trying to provide health information that will benefit them.

    Also, in my profession there are so many of my kind, who use the C word of caring which is actually Controlling.

    Now that I am gaining more enlightenment about the apparent need for fuel by narcs, I now realise that they must win at all cost, otherwise they believe they will no longer exist.

    As HG has said a few times to us, We are seizing the power, through knowledge. HG provides us with the knowledge and the tools to protect ourselves. It is then up to us to apply the methods using non emotional logic.

    This can be hard for us empaths, however, we need to also ask ourselves a question that can also be challenging for empaths.

    It is the ability to say ” How can I benefit from this situation”.

    Go for it !!

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  13. My dear poetic me….I have missed you. Unfortunately when HG goes awol all of us are cut off from each other….painful, but what do you expect from non caring narc…think of others? Bwahaha…anyways, I am never throwing HG’s advice out the window. There is only one Narc in this point in my life I would risk anything with and this is impossible to get at as I’m not in close proximity. However, if I was, he knows that I would throw myself into the ring and crush all of my opponents. Because I have never lost a fight. He knows my strategy though so it would make for a challenge.

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