Silent Salvos
Silence is golden. Or rather, it is a golden weapon when deployed by our kind. The use of silent treatment against our victims is a major part of our portfolio of abusive manipulations. Easy to implement, very low in terms of energy expended but capable of reaping such considerable rewards in terms of fuel, control, the assertion of superiority and the administration of power, it is little wonder that we use it regularly. The application of silence can be used virtually at any time and in nearly every situation. This cold fury causes frustration, upset, fearfulness, concern, confusion and bewilderment. It is perfect at drawing fuel from our victims. It is astonishing just how it affects those it is used against, causing the emotional fuel to froth and spill from the perplexed and worried individual. It causes anxiety and has a most unsettling effect which ensures that those who are subjected to it are unable to understand why it is being used. By maintaining a heightened emotional state, we ensure that you never manage to grasp what is happening and why this passive aggressive tactic is being used. It plays to your desire to know what is happening and why, but you do not realise. You hover around us, asking what is wrong, why are you not speaking to me, what is the matter, please just talk to me. Every sentence you utter, ever plea you make and every beseeched demand just makes us continue it all the more. In those instances, where the silent treatment is administered and we remain proximate to you, we will maintain a glacial mask. An impassive fixed expression which may be punctuated by the occasional baleful glare, but underneath this mask we are smiling and laughing at you. Look at how upset she is, see the confusion in her eyes and wait for it, here comes another question, another plea, another request to be put out of her misery. How the fuel flows and we revel in what we see.
Even when the silent treatment is utilised against you from a distance and we are not physically with you, we are savouring just how you will be reacting. We can picture you frantically jabbing your ‘phone as you send text after text asking us to come home, to call you and just explain what the problem is. We listen to your tear-infused voicemails as you ask us to just let you know that we are okay. Your sobbing promises to work things out and “whatever I have done, I am sorry, but please, please don’t do this to me.” Of course your failure to understand what you have done is used against you in two ways so that you are damned either way. Your admission that you do not know what you have done (which of course is entirely correct, how could you know what has happened when we just walked out of the living room when everybody was say quietly watching television?) just serves to underline, in our minds, that we are right to take this course of action. Good Lord, why should we bother to contact you if you cannot even be bothered to work out what you have done wrong. All the more reason to keep this silence going for a while longer yet. Furthermore, because it is so effective at troubling you and keeping you guessing as to what the reason for this icy front is, we want to continue it.
The silent treatment is used for many reasons. First and foremost, as with all manipulations, it is used to draw fuel. It is to exert control over you. It is to keep you in an emotional place and thus paralysed, unable to see what is happening and unable to think clearly. It is to reinforce that we are powerful, superior and mighty, whilst you are useless and pathetic. You do not know how to please us, you do not know how to remedy matter and you cannot even work out what you have done. You are useless.
There is also a further reason why we use the silent treatment. This is our way of killing you. True enough there are those of our kind who actually do kill their victims. Those people are idiots. They lack control, function and competence and allow their knee-jerk response to override their need for fuel and the ability to do as we please. By committing such an act, by losing control and killing, those of our kind who do this (invariably the lesser of our kind) not only destroy their primary source of fuel (often with no true contingency in place) but they then hand themselves on a plate to the authorities, a prison sentence and the attendance diminution in fuel gathering opportunities that arise from incarceration. As I wrote, they are idiots.
Those of us who exert control over our responses, those of us who are of a higher function, who plot and plan and calculate, do not go down such a route. No, instead we slay with silence and here are seventeen salvos which bring about that quiet death.
- Remaining in the room and saying nothing and not even acknowledging you.
- Remaining silent but staring malevolently at you.
- Talking to others in a social gathering but blanking you.
- Ignoring your telephone calls.
- Answering your telephone calls but saying nothing as we listen to you beg and plea before ending the call.
- Ignoring your text messages.
- Allowing you to know we have read your messages but never responding.
- Responding to everybody else’s comments on a social media post but not yours.
- Inviting everybody in a social group to which you belong, to an event, but not inviting you.
- Agreeing to meet for a date and not turn up.
- Sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, anywhere but in the bed with you.
- Walking out all of a sudden and completely disappearing.
- Not engaging with you directly but acknowledging your existence through a third party – “John, did you hear something then? I thought I heard something squeak/whine/moan” used when you speak.
- Extending the silent treatment so it is meted out by lieutenants and members of the coterie.
- Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognise the sender of this letter/message/e-mail”
- We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.
- You hear from other parties that we have been talking in terms as if you do not exist – “Yes, I am going to the wedding next week, I am happy to do so on my own, I am not being controlled then.” Even though you had no idea that we have such a plan in mind. Your existence has been eradicated and deleted by us and relayed back to you by proxy.
Yes, the application of the silent treatment is powerful indeed. It is regarded as a “death blow” against you.
Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.
49 thoughts on “Silent Salvos”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Please what utter bs, this person is bragging like he is a serial killer and really he is just a child that never grew up and you all feed off of him likes he’s an expert.
You are playing right into his hands and making him the spotlight. The best thing I ever did was tell my ex PIA no I am not taking you back, ignoring these types of people kills them since they are a legend in their own small minds
BTDT But yet you are here. It is an addiction. One Narc for another. >
Thank you for your insight. I don’t want to trigger fury. I want to find an equilibrium where I can be happy and cheery and this not annoy him. I also want to demonstrate to him that abusive behavior on his part is counterproductive.
Why is probably a good question. Most of my family are narcs or on that end of the spectrum and they all wish I’d have nothing to do with him. He is highly educated and I enjoy talking to him and hearing his opinions. He is German and I am American and I have always enjoyed studying cultural differences in thinking and behavior. Having lived all my life with narcs, I prefer relationships without boundaries and for me relationships never end as well. Once I love someone I am in a sense stuck with them and have to figure out how to deal with them in the best way while maintaining my happiness and sanity. That is where I am with this gentleman. I’d like to be friends and talk to him daily, be a permanent source of positive fuel for him while insulating myself from abuse. I know this is possible bc I do it with other narcs, but it is proving very difficult with him. It’s like the emperors new clothes. He expects me to buy into all his illusions and play along, while I am seeing him as he really is. He may not be willing/able to accept this. That certainly would be his loss. As I’m sure you would agree, permanent sources of positive supply should be always be maintained – or as I like to say, you can never have too many people who love you.
He has responded to two of my messages. Both had to do with products/stores he has used/experienced and allowed him to pontificate (my intention of course).
Your insight into his perceived criticism strikes at the heart of my delimma. He is so ridiculously reactive to perceived criticism. How can I interact with him without him feeling overly criticized but at the same time protect myself from abuse? Maybe it will get easier with time. After all we should have until one of us dies.
Thank you again for your insights and all your posts. They are so much more informative than the traditional information from therapists and victims.
Hello Windstorm, thank you for your interesting post. Applying a broadbrush to those who interact with our kind, one can categorise those people in this manner:-
1. Those who want to get away;
2. Those who cannot get away yet but will do so at some point;
3. Those who do not want to go and are prepared to “doormat” themselves in the process;
4. Those who do not want to go but want to be able to manage the relationship in some manner.
You evidently belong to the fourth category. I appreciate some people will not understand why anybody would want to remain in a narcissistic relationship. There are numerous reasons why this may be the case
1. circumstance – having children together, being financially reliant, afraid of making the break, social and peer pressures to remain together, a sense of duty, obligation borne out of illness etc
2. Advanced age and not wanting to be older and single again;
3. Recognition that there are good things which happen in the relationship regardless (irrespective of whether they are illusory)
I suspect you are in the third category.
If this is what you want to do, knowing what you are subjecting yourself to, then this is a valid choice as you are an adult and entitled to lead your life as you see fit. Most people would say get the hell away, but people do have their own reasons for not wanting to do that.
You are right to want to insulate yourself to the abusive elements which arise and you are able to do this by
1. Knowing the abuses and manipulations which will happen so you can spot them coming and take action; (see Manipulated, Black Flag, Devil’s Toolkit, Your Fault and Smeared)
2. Adopting your perspective to understand the narcissistic perspective;
3. Applying methodologies to minimise the effect of the manipulations when they arise (see Escape, Black Hole, Smeared)
You ask
How can I interact with him without him feeling overly criticized but at the same time protect myself from abuse?
Put him first. Put him at the centre of everything you do. Always think about what he may want, learn to apply his perspective. Provide positive fuel. When his fury is ignited, provide positive fuel rather than negative which will protect you and will address the wound he has suffered.
The simple fact is you will never be able to address everything because as you identify he is so ridiculously reactive to perceived criticism. Of course he is, this is what makes us tick. You will never get it 100% right but if you make compromises to your life (and you will have to do so if you are to accommodate) him you can do so. This does not necessarily mean turning into a doormat but you will always be giving up ground in order to mollify him.
By reading more of my work you will gain greater understanding into his way of thinking and behaving, you will also read examples of addressing this behaviour and as your understanding increases this will also allow you to develop additional ways of dealing with his behaviour. It will not be easy, you may question yourself for wanting to do this, you need to consider if you think adopting this approach is beneficial especially since you make mention of wanting to be friends, rather than be in an intimate relationship with him.
Thank you for your kind compliments, they are appreciated.
Thank you very much for your advice and insights in answer to my questions. Your suppositions about me are correct. My “doormat” days are long past. By the grace of God, I am free and able to make the choices I want to make.
I have read all your books and find them, and especially the insights in your blog posts, to be particularly useful.
We have to play the hand we’re dealt and for whatever reason, God dealt me narcissists. I certainly know that maintaining a daily relationship with mine is not easy, but it can be rewarding in many ways – for all of us.
You are most welcome Windstorm. Thank you for reading all of my works, you will be pleased to note there is plenty more to come.
I too have to play the hand I was dealt with, although my kind ensure there is an ace up the sleeve as well.
Mine tried the silent treatment all the time. I gave it right back. After about 2 days he’d usually come back texting, asking where I have been. I’d ask him the same question and he’d immediately change the subject. We’d carry on like nothing had happened. 😏
Hello LMP a succinct example of how when silent treatment does not have the desired affect there will be a switch.
That was supposed to be a smug emoticon. lol. I knew what he was doing and what he was. I tried to see if he would discard by giving him no fuel. He never did but I found the experimentation process (relationship) quite fascinating.
The last game of the silent treatment only lasted 36 (ish) hours. Himself travels for work. My texts and phone calls are regular, like clockwork to avoid confrontation. Although he was silent and I knew from experience he would not respond, I sent the same ones anyway. It will be 13 years this December…I have given up my frantic reactions to the silent treatment. If he wants to speak to me he will, if not I don’t care. It took 12 years though for me to realize he was not God and that I should not worship him like he was. This has been a source of frustration for him.
I am currently trying a new tactic with one of my narcs. I have become allergic to being tapped for negative fuel and backed him off with a massive criticism a few weeks ago. After a rage, then benign hover he’s doing the silent treatment now. I’ve started sending him upbeat texts about what’s going on in my life like he is not ignoring me and I am unconcerned with his behavior. How do you think this response to a silent treatment affects him? He is a midlevel. Do you think this is a good tactic if I want to maintain a relationship with him but not put up with abuse?
if you are talking about your life and not responding to anything to do with him you are not providing him with fuel and you are inherently criticising him which will be igniting his fury. He will also see that the silent treatment is not proving effective and will presently halt it. Have you had any responses to your texts. Why do you want to maintain a relationship with him incidentally
Emotionally cruel.
& NOT explainable by being ‘on the spectrum.’
Just..sick & disturbed. Run!
Last Narc was so silent, thought he was “on the spectrum.” He was fine with that illusion….
Ultimately decided he’s mentally disturbed.
Emotionally cruel.
Silence met with silence. Are you giving me the silent treatment? Yes…yes you are.
No, no I’m not.
These are the thoughts that have been running through my mind the past few days and this post just makes me question even more. We always blame the narc for their endless cycle and constant repeat but I find myself questioning if I would or could even have a “normal” relationship. Just like the narc is addicted to the fuel, are we not also addicted some way in changing, saving, or being the one to forever light the endless fire?
Even the posters on here have hope and faith that HG will wake up one day and be content and happy with “the one”. I am starting to think that no one really has “the one” and am scared shitless because I thought I found the “the one” and thought this behavior was normal for so long.
It was not until after my divorce that I felt the true feeling of freedom that I realized that sick feeling in my stomach and constant walking on eggshells was not normal. It was not until he kept coming back when I payed no attention to him and went through the cycle two more times that I finally realized something wasn’t right.
But I will admit, I question if I am ever truly loved, will I know how to handle it? Will I be the one to hurt a good person because I don’t know anything else but everything above? I know I will never go back to the DN but will I find another an hope that I can fix, change, rescue them while allowing myself to drown…just because I know nothing else?
AZ,
I am married to the epitome of love. I however am bored. We do everything, see everything, talk about everything etc etc….but I am uncomfortable after 15 years because I entered my old Narcs sphere of influence. I did this on purpose because I needed chaos. My marriage is too perfect. It makes me uncomfortable. I am seeing that I might have to go back to my mother for my dose of chaos as even this blog is not giving me what I need. I’m still trying to learn to be OK without drama of any kind. Boring is supposed to be good or so my therapist says. What I’m saying is that I feel you. But I have a chance to not screw it up. You will get your chance too. Let’s hope we go with the right decision.
Boring is contemptible as you well know.
ABB, is exactly what I am afraid of sometimes I think I live for chaos I can’t help myself and when I do finally find something good I feel like I always do something to mess it up or make a bad decision. I am ready to make the right decisions but I am afraid like you that I will be bored by them
AZ,
I often reflect on the alternative though. I think about pivotal situations that have happened since I have been married and my husband has always stood by me. I know that all 6 prior Narcs would never take care of me the way he does. He always looks out for my best interest. He doesn’t threaten or abuse in any way. I know that I would never get this from any one of those Narcs. That is what keeps me trying to behave. It has made me see too that in the past I was just as guilty as the narc. I would push to see if they would still love me. I would push to see how much they could take. If they couldn’t take it I seen it like they weren’t strong enough to handle me. Then I realized I contributed to the abuse just as much as they did. Even pushing them to see if they would leave. Or waiting for them to love me and express this love then I didnt want them anymore. Challenge was gone and I needed a new challenge. They were dumbfounded. I walked away like it never happened. God was I mean and heartless. They let me down because they couldn’t meet all these ridiculous conditions that were constantly changing. I was constantly testing them to see if they were worthy of my love. Crazy right? One of my favorite songs was Sheryl Crows Are you strong enough to be my man. Even if they lied and said the right thing I wanted to believe. I didn’t want them to go but they weren’t strong enough to stay so I left them before they could leave me.
The thing I would do next is find someone else and go back to the ex as a safety net. If new relationship started to fail I had a back up plan. I could still get ex so I was still desirable. I was still in control.
I’m wanting some abuse now because I am dealing with the problems that set me on the path to sociopathic tendencies and the development of PTSD. Since this is at the surface I wish to remedy the pain with the old coping mechanisms. These mechanisms that I thought were helping me have actually been hurting me. But I didn’t see it that way. Now when I look at it from an adult perspective instead from a child’s perspective I see how much I was really reliving the abuse over and over and hurting myself in the process. The only way to truly beat the monster is to let it out. I sincerely thought I would die if I did. If I spoke of it. I was afraid. Terrified. That’s why I had it locked away. I have an excellent doctor who has worked with me and always taken care of me. He reparented me and continues to do so. This is important to have a therapist that makes you feel safe. I still have a little bit of trust issues with him, but he like my husband prove to me all the time that they’ve got me and will love and protect and approve of me unconditionally. There is nothing that can compare to unconditional love. I didn’t know what it was. I had never given or received love in that way, so I had to learn it. My husband and my doctor are two of the best teachers. So I am living proof that the processes work. You have to want it though and you have to fight. Sorry for rambling story. I hope the experience helps you or someone though.
Thank you ABB for your openness and honesty. It has really helped me and I truly appreciate it. I grew up in a home with a selfish, explosive, verbally abusive father. I don’t think he is a narc but I definitely think he is somewhere on the spectrum of some personality disorder. I started my relationship with the Dark Narc when I was 16, got pregnant and married two years later, and had an affair when my baby was a year old. All of this set the ground work for the endless cycle of narc abuse that was covered up by the shame of my original affair. I have always felt like such a horrible person but I think one of the main reasons is bc DN planted this thought in my head. So for 13 more years I thought it was okay and normal to go through “the cycle” over and over again. I deserved it. Even when I was being the perfect angel and trying so hard to please him, it was never enough. I however like you feel like I subconsciously pushed him and tried to punish him for never being satisfied. I often wonder if that is why I once again ran into another mans arms when the opportunity arose. I didn’t do it though to intentionally be mean. I truly think the man I was with could have been my shot at unconditional love. I know I was in the “affair cloud” but this guy was truly kind and I believe he himself was married to his own narc. But I ran from him and he exposed us and the wrath of DN was not pretty but I still feel like it was deserved.
That is why I now don’t even know if I could stand unconditional love or deserve it. I was talking to a very kind man who I could sense was truly good. This man was different than any man I have ever been attracted to or have been with. His kindness began to annoy me and repulse me so I pushed him away. Even in my “Golden periods” with DN I was always waiting for the fall, the turn, the abuse. I could always sense his overkill was not right or normal, but I sucked it up like blow up my nose (knowing it was so wrong but at the time so right).
You talked about being mean and purposely hurting others and I don’t feel like I do that but I definitely have made so many decisions that I knew could/would hurt others and really didn’t do much to stop them. I am just so mixed up on what kind of person I am. Sometimes I feel like an empath because I am sensitive, passionate, caring, sexual, love to love people. But I definitely have some kind of chaotic/crazy streak in me that gets me into trouble…and sometimes likes it. IDK, maybe that is what normal is?
Going from one extreme to another with my thoughts now, wonder what else
How can you behave in such childish manner?
It is now two years since I last spoke to my ex-husband and will ask about me to my family.
I did this to someone for two years when I was 22 because he hurt my feelings, we worked together, and I would see him most days. One day (after I dumped my then current bf) I turned to him and said “Hi, Carl” We were engaged two months later. Of course, I left him too, and he is still married to the one after me. We had dinner the other night. I will always be the one that takes up space along with his wife.
So it works.
Now I look at it this way. You don’t want to speak to me? Then piss off. You have nothing I want to hear, but can we still have hot sex? You do not need to talk. 😉
Yeah, kinda makes me wanna slap your kind. Not gonna lie. Y’all already get my head twisted in so many ways.. No need to get dirty.
Mmmm ice cubes feel oh so nice
I am sure You are very good at sending shivers through out ones body
I have it down to an art form these days, ice cubes are such a help
I had an ex (who was just mean, but I don’t think he was a narcissist) who used to use this on me, it was devastating. But later in our relationship, he started to lose his power (well, I started to think he was a bit of an idiot), and whenever he’d pull the ST on me I would love it. NO having to compromise or deal with him. I’d go back to my own place and spend a few days on my own, drinking nice beer, watching whatever I wanted on TV and thoroughly enjoying my own company.
Current narc does it too. He knows how much it hurts, I really should stop telling me how his actions hurt me because it not only gives him fuel, but also gives him ideas on how to torture me. His latest is standing in his driveway as I drop my daughter off at the station and ignoring me. Then telling me it’s because he doesn’t recognise my car. It’s so childish.
You just sent shivers up and down my spine HG
I often do RMG.
The woman who raised me was very good at giving silent treatments, yet she did a good job at slamming doors when in a mood. To this day I hate people slamming anything.
I have used the slamming technique myself.
Do you think you will ever love someone enough not to hurt them or cheat ? Maybe you are capable of the amazing and rare pure love that is real . Maybe nobody has brought it out in you yet .
Perhaps I am. It is clearly their fault in failing to do so isn’t it
Sometimes I wonder what it might be like to not be red of tooth and claw but I dismiss the thought with the same speed as which it arrives, I do not like the sensation which manifests when I contemplate this.
Do you think I could Email you for any answers or insight I’m looking for . I want to know the root cause of why you are different and try my best to understand your point of view . You are still a human being and not a monster and I truly believe it is possible for all people to feel love . Maybe the feelings are there but they are suppressed.
By all means. E-mail me at narcissist1909@gmail.com there is a bit of queue at the moment but I will respond in the course of this week.
Your best bet would be to desensitize yourself to those sensations by actually entertaining those thoughts. 😆
An interesting point LMP but I will pass. For now.
I’m sad to say the silent treatment is the one thing my mother fails at. She has to have the last word, she has to have every word. Oh she’ll SAY “I’m not talking to you [about whatever issue we’re shouting about]” and just as I move on to some other topic, she immediately launches into a diatribe about just that issue. Or she’ll tell my sister “I’m done talking to you”, at which point my sister (thinking the conversation is over) hangs up the phone, only for mother to immediately call her back and verbally blast her for having hung up on her. So she sort of does a reverse silent treatment.
Me, I LOVE the silent treatment. I’ll sit with a blank look for hours, refusing to say anything, and make you guess why I’m not speaking to you.
Cara,
Why do you think you conceptualized with becoming like her instead of opposite?
It just kind of snuck up on me
“It just kinda snuck up on me”
Isn’t it funny how narcs want to control everything but still aren’t able to control their actions?
Eventhough mister Tudor says The Greater is able to controll his actions, they still can’t quit being evil for the sake of other people around them.
I apologize if I am hurting someone here.
Cara, I am so sorry for what happened to you. Your momma isn’t to blame either as she surely has experienced the same with her parents. But for me, I Will break this cicle. I am better than that.
Narcs always think they are intelligent and better by doing the very same. No! I not going to be responsible for the hurt of anyone!
Fm
Evil.
Ditto anna belle black
Sheer evil
Destroy me is bad enough
But my children
And grsndchild ??
And we all loved you immensly – no hidden agenda
Unlike your lietenants , crows and so cslled “respectsble, caring , friendly friends ” 😡😡😡😡😡😡
We dont see
But they do and know and watch –
Theyre despicable – beyond contempt – your clingons – for money – empty headed immoral a__h–es
Rliverpool members — not wot i thought at all ??? never be the place i thought it was 😔😔😔😔
Captain – more like pirate
C~
Take comfort in knowing you are not the only one. HG just confirmed they are trying to kill us mentally. Keep venting your anger. Most people here get it. They don’t understand unconditional anything. Everything with them has a price. Protect your heart they will break it. 🍦strawberry ice cream and a hug for you! 💜
Thankyou anna belle black ❤️❤️
The clingons are worse i think – they know the truth .
Christine – oops spelt my name wrong
My heart putting up such a fight 😔
Hg – could any woman really live up to your ideal ?
I lnow i gave 110%- the N told me himself
Admittedly it is a challenge but it is not insurmountable.