Come One, Come All

 

Image result for picture of man preaching to audience

 

My kind need people. We do not like to admit it as the suggestion of reliance on somebody else brings with it connotations of weakness and this dents our sense of omnipotence. It is however an inescapable fact. We do not like it and indeed this is in part the thing which drives our devaluing behaviour. I need other people because I need to gather fuel from those people through their emotional responses to me. I am often asked and sometimes lambasted for it, whether I obtain fuel from my writing and interaction with those who comment on it, asking questions and advancing their own experiences and theories. I freely admit I do so but emphasise that since all of those who I interact with are remote strangers then in accordance with the fuel index, the amount of fuel that I receive is very low. Nevertheless, it is naturally welcome and I am far more content to receive it than not. The receipt of this fuel though is not the driving force behind why I write and share my experiences, observations and increasing awareness. The receipt of fuel is neither the key reason why I interact with the many people who take the time to comment and question me. I interact with my readers because I gain by exhibiting my works to them. I interact because I learn from my readers, by understanding their views, their responses and their desires. I interact because they can learn from me and the dissemination of my knowledge is a powerful sensation indeed. I interact because I find the questions posed often challenging, invariably interesting and stimulating. I interact because I am interested in the lives and experiences of those who have found themselves participating with me. I also often find them entertaining and humorous too. Through my writing and the almost daily interaction with these people I have also come to recognise that these people fall in to particular groups. I have observed this repeatedly and I wanted to share this observation with you. You may recognise people belonging to these groups and have your own views about that inclusion. You may indeed recognise which group you belong to and quite possibly further categorisations which have not yet occurred to me. I would be interested to know. So, what are these groups?

  1. The Angered

Admittedly not a large group, but there are those who present full of anger and hatred, either towards my kind and even me specifically even though we have never met. Of course, I am representative of my kind, albeit a superior version and therefore it is to be expected that I would take some flak for this. I understand how badly people have been hurt and abused by my kind and therefore this anger is entirely natural. I have no issue whatsoever in people telling me what a bastard I am, that they would like to punch me in the mouth or that I should taken out and shot. If people wish to vent their spleen in such a fashion, they should feel free to do so. They may feel better about it and of course it is just fuel to me.

  1. The Confused

There are those who are completely bewildered by what has happened and this state persists for some time, despite the explanations that I provide and the clarity through which I articulate these explanations. That is not to suggest that these people are thick or stupid, far from it, but is in fact testament to just how confusing, disorientating and perplexing our behaviour can be. Many people in this group cannot fathom out how our kind can be as we are and moreover how we cannot know what we are. It is pleasing to watch as the understanding suddenly forms over time, as the pieces fit together and the whole narcissistic experience begins to make sense. I often find that it is when those people begin to realise that they have to adopt our perspective in order to gain understanding. That is often the breakthrough moment

 

 

  1. The Answer Seeker

This group embodies one of the fundamental traits of empathic people; the need to know and understand. Question after question is posed, usually based on their own experiences in order to assist them in fathoming out what type of narcissist this person became entangled with, why the narcissist did as he did and what can be expected to happen next. Occasionally, this group may pose questions which are hypothetical but in the main the repeated and valid asking of questions is premised on what has happened to them.

  1. The Sponge

This group comprises of Answer Seekers but goes beyond this. They wish to know and understand everything there is to know about the narcissistic experience. They need to understand what happened to them but also find considerable interest in the experience of others and then applying their new found knowledge to unravelling he mysteries of the tales from other people. This group cannot get enough of the knowledge and understanding, they wish to examine every facet of narcissism, whether it is from the victim’s perspective or that of the narcissist. They need to know why, how and what. These people soak up all this knowledge and do so with a healthy understanding of their tolerance to do so as they place understanding above emotional response.

  1. The Burnt Victim

This group consists of people who find the whole entanglement with the narcissist still very raw. They may not be confused as they know what they have been ensnared by and they are beginning to understand the essentials of what has happened and why. Moments come when the content is difficult to stomach, the wounds still raw and painful and this may result in occasional absences, yet, the desire to have those wounds heal and push through the pain with commendable bravery sees these people pressing on with their interaction and understanding, no matter how much it continues to hurt.

  1. The Narcissists

As one might expect, my work will attract those who are of my kind and those who perhaps are not quite narcissists but have strong traits in that regard. These people recognise what they are and are content to share this as well as learn more about themselves by reading the words of one of their own. Occasionally they bristle and raise their hackles, once in a while lashing out, leaving others in no doubt as to what they are, but invariably they recognise my arena as a place of knowledge and learning and are content to engage in that as the primary purpose.

  1. The Unwitting Narcissists

From time to time this very small group has a membership when one of our kind wanders by and repeatedly exhibits all the traits which demonstrate that they are one of our kind, but they do not see it. Indeed, their blame-shifting, projection and deflection are manifestly obvious, but not to them for they have no insight. It is not in accordance with the five rules for me to tell them what they are, but I always recognise my kind when they alight here and from time to time they do.

  1. The Introspectives

This group comprises those who wish to learn about the narcissistic experience, ask questions and soak up the knowledge but in doing so, the experience is as much learning about my kind as understanding what they are and why they became entangled or keep becoming entangled. These people see the benefit of beginning to understand themselves by understanding the behaviour of their tormentor and are keen to grasp what it is about them, their behaviour, their past and their characteristics which influences their choices.

 

 

  1. The Staters of the Obvious

This group, which is small, consists of those who seem to believe that they have to tell me what I am. I do not include those who advance an idea or theory in a respectful manner based on their own experience and understanding. It is evident when somebody is doing that and such a constructive approach is always welcomed. The Staters of the Obvious have a tendency to tell me what I already know, do so in a derogatory fashion and make it appear as if it is some major revelation to me. For instance, they may announce,

“Your kind are just all spoilt children and you will never be happy.”

Thanks for that. That is illuminating.

Or I am advised,

“You are just a fucking waste of space and karma will get you because you are empty and evil.”

Glad we cleared that up then.

It is of course fuel and many who engage in this do so not because they are angry but because they believe they understand what I am more than I do myself. They are incorrect. This often happens when someone comes across my material for the first time and races to such injudicious pronouncements with digesting more of my work which will soon reveal to them that my level of awareness is considerable. I do find that those individuals flare up and vanish very quickly when the bite they are hoping for does not come. It is easy to play with such people and I could amuse myself by doing so, working them up into a frenzy as they unwittingly realise they are pouring fuel in my direction but that is not a productive use of my time.

 

 

  1. On the Up

This group consists of those who are recovering and supplementing their recovery with additional knowledge and understanding. They have a clear direction of where they are going and in typical empathic style they wish to share their experiences and help others. This is not done in a bragging manner (see the group below) and it is not expressed so it is “all about them” but is rather done from the purpose of giving encouragement and inspiring others that there is a way forward and a path through the pain. This group are keen to detail constructively what has worked for them and what has not. Their recollections are often under-stated, modest and sensible.

  1. Point to Prove

By contrast to the above group, those members in this small group feel the need to repeatedly declare how much of a champion they are for surviving. Indeed, I understand the pride which must come to the fore after having suffered horrendously and then having moved forward, but the frequent need to shout this from the rooftops tends to suggest to me that the progress is not as great or a secure as they would like others to believe. Indeed, I often regard those in this group, as compared to those above, as being more in it for themselves and do it more to bash and bait my kind, rather than truly revel in the advancement of their own recovery and those of their fellow victims.

  1. The Weaponising Empath

This group is one of the larger, if not the largest group I find I am interacting with. It consists of people who realise that they have access to a unique resource which they can use repeatedly to help themselves by understanding. They know they can ask questions, read as much or as little as they require, they frame considered and respectful questions and do so in order to understand, to acquire knowledge, to defend themselves and to enable them to tackle the effects and influence of the narcissist or narcissists in their life. The members of this group recognise that they can gain far more by engaging with me than seeking to point score, but that does not mean they will necessarily accept everything that is stated with querying or even challenging it. They adopt an open-minded approach to the ongoing process that they find themselves a part of and are enthusiastic in being able to avail themselves of a rare and unusual source of knowledge. They are able to put to one side any distaste they may have at “fraternising with the enemy” by reason of their empathic nature (they recognise what has happened to my kind as well) and the fact they know they stand far more to gain by extracting knowledge and observation than by engaging in a bun fight. Many appear within this group from the start and others gravitate towards it during their interaction with me. It is a beneficial and rewarding group for its members and for me as well.

Do any of these groups seem familiar to you? Perhaps there are others I have missed. Perhaps you identify which one you belong to. I would be interested to read your observations.

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109 thoughts on “Come One, Come All”

  1. I’d say I was an “On the Up & Weaponising Empath”.. I continue to learn things from you which strike a chord and therefore lessen the impact of my narcs consistent, long term social media abuse so it’s all good 🙂 on the bad days when I allow the vile insults to pierce me and the urge to respond becomes overwhelming … my mantra has become “HG says no contact” and I stick to it… so once again.. thank you 😊 x

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  2. I’m a lot of them . An Empath and I was engaged to a narcopath before he cheated . He told me he wanted to have a family with me and marry me and then out of nowhere he became distance and of course I found out he cheated . I’m not here to judge you or anyone else . I want you to know that their are good people out there who will love you and never hurt you . There are people who will accept that you are different and still love you . I just wish someone would love you unconditionally to the point where maybe you will feel that rare and real love too . Pure Love is real but it is so rare. Trust me It does exist. I want you be loved and I want you to find joy and happiness in people not manipulations and pain . My ex told me he wanted me to hate him , and I told him no that I never would . He could run me over with his car and I would forgive him . I truly still love him but I want him to love me enough not to cheat . Mr. Tudor maybe if you go a very long time without the manipulations and fuel of negative emotions and find someone who loves you for you than you will be happy and love the way I do .

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  3. Hi HG,
    I started out looking for I don’t even know what. Some things I googled you would have laughed at.😂 When I met my ex I wasn’t on any social media and she set up my account for Pinterest. I realize now that was a way for her to always have contact with me and to love bomb me. Ironically it was what gave me the answer I was looking for. “The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you wished for” popped up in Pinterest and that led me to what I was looking for. I had never heard of a narcissist and was beyond shocked as more and more evidence pointed to her being one. I started looking for books and read one of yours and a few others. I knew you were the one to learn from. You have an amazing gift to make people understand. Every little thing you wrote about was relatable and happened to me just like you described. I read on the last page of your books how else I could contact you and I was directed to your blog. I read for awhile before I replied to anything. If you would have asked me a your ago about my thoughts on participating on a blog, I would have laughed. I am not near as talented as a writer as you or many people on here, but felt comfortable enough to post. You made me realize I am not crazy. Lol
    I started out Confused but you did indeed give me the breakthrough I needed. I have progressed and learned a lot from you. I still have many questions but I know you will be here to answer them. I definitely need and want to know everything. I am also a Sponge and I’m the Introspectives and The Weaponising Empath. I’m am sure you know where I fit because you have also taught me more about myself than I ever knew. I have loved learning what is really behind HG and your kind. And of course I love your humor. This blog makes me laugh and that is a wonderful thing. Thanks HG and to the others that have been so nice. ❤️🍎❤️

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    1. Thank you for sharing that SW.
      “The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you wished for” – is entirely apt.

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  4. Yes, HG, my type
    The joyful revenge
    Joyful for receiving such abundance of knowledge, but still looking for ways to powerfully act revenge
    Xxx

    ANDRIA

    Sent from my iPhone

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  5. In another post prior to this awaiting moderation I described myself as a sponge as I have over the years for various reasons HG. Because this has been a lifelong struggle for me as well, I would have to say I have been varying degrees of most of these and still have days where I would fluctuate back to a few ways I may have thought I had advanced on. As a sponge to start with and by the time I found your site I would have considered myself also as an “on the up”. Each time I felt I had previously advanced though prior to here to a place of understanding one more of the few remaining last pieces of the puzzle for me, I couldn’t find the answers to specifically the individual questions I had remaining anywhere. A few I have asked you specifically on. Others have come from your archives from your books and articles and your subscribers as well …but come from here they have indeed, brought to me in sometimes large and sometimes small packages done up in your best red, gold, black and white wrappings and trimmings. and what a sight they are to behold for sore eyes. It was like someone kept hiding them from me just like at home and every where I looked I could not find them in the way I needed to or see them presented in the way my mind takes things in nor were they concentrating on some of the very very pertenant specifics that you do HG and so I would certainly admit I felt that my place was there in the on the up. I would love to believe that I have graduated more toward my end goal direction of the weaponizing variety, and besides, what’s a bit of fraternizing, flirting and admiration from afar going to do to harm me after all when I have a long history of sleeping with the enemy already. Oh cripes are you a follower of any ancient custom that states that if you save someones life, they are to forever be your responsibility or that they are forever in your debt ?? because in your debt I am. a very sincere thank-you HG…anything else I may owe, you will have to private message me for or take out of my pay ! 😉 lol x’s.

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  6. Hi HG, do you have any knowledge either through observing narcissism or the good doctors on the following
    A person with narc traits – would you say they do not have NPD therefore can feel positive emotions but they may not be in touch with them as often or how would you explain narc traits rather than a narcissist ?
    Do you think it’s possible for someone through trauma in adolescence and adult live to then become a narcissist , almost by choice rather than the actual splitting ?
    Thank you

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    1. Hi Lisa, on the narcissistic spectrum there will be people who fall between empaths and narcissistic, the normals. Some of these normals will lean more towards empathy, with few narcissitic traits which are mild, others will lean more towards narcissism with stronger traits and more of them but falling short of being a narcissist.
      I do not consider the genesis of a narcissist to occur through choice but rather the imposition of certain traits as a consequence of development in order to cater for a specific need which is central to existence.

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      1. Hi HG , thank you for the explaination , I know you speak about this in your posts , I think the narc / soicipath talks about the spectrum . So sorry if your having to repeat things . So from your answer I understand that someone can have narc traits and lean more towards that on the spectrum but still not be a narcissist as such . I understood that this disorder always happens in childhood , do you or any other posters have any knowledge of this starting later in life adolescence for example ? HG if someone could be describe as overly sensitive really to the point of the unreasonable at times , would you put that under the umbrella of narcissism ? Thank you

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      2. No need to worry about me having to repeat things.
        Yes that it correct. One can have a couple of narcissist traits which are strong, or several mild narcissistic traits and not be a narcissist as that person falls outside of the section of the spectrum which is regarded as NPD.
        I do not know of anybody becoming a narcissist later in life. People may become increasing selfish, which is a narcissistic trait, but not in itself something that makes somebody a narcissist.
        With regard to the issue of being sensitive to the point of unreasonableness, I would not categorise that as a narcissism since if that person reacts in an embarrassed, shy or upset fashion, rather than through overt aggression or cold-shouldering, it is more the case that that person is just extremely sensitive. If it was a narcissistic response, their sensitivity would be the reaction to criticism but would manifest through the ignition of fury.
        When you describe the behaviour of being unreasonable how does that manifest?

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  7. It’s amazing how perceptive your kind are. You really know how to read people and pick up things a normal person wouldn’t. He picked up so much on me very quickly: things I didn’ even know about myself.
    You are very perceptive, Sir Tudor. Thanks for sharing with us. I see myself in several. I also am “Falling Back to the Addiction” type. I know enough and should have moved on, but do keep going back to read more from here and other sites. Mainly it’s when there is pain from my experience and reading these things, helps me deal with the pain and not contact him. Reading about “What Happened” makes me wonder if I will get a Hoover, which apparently I will, maybe in 20 years if he hasn’t died of AIDS yet. (You’re supposed to laugh at that statement.) I saw no reason for him to be unhappy with me but reading about how he might think so illogically, shows me how he could be upset with me over nothing. For ex. I didn’t see a lot of him so was very excited one afternoon when I could. It meant me arranging things, driving people, making myself look great, etc. which took me 3? hours. He also lived 30 miles from me, so long drive for me. Just as I was leaving to drive someone before meeting him, he texted he wasn’t feeling well so not to come over. I’d gone to a lot of trouble and was already on my way and didn’t have time to deal with it right then, so texted back that it was ok if he wasn’t well, I’d help him and was on my way. Skip to what happened …. I didn’t go over, he was so upset that the rest he was going to get he didn’t get and then he texted that I was too pushy and not a person for him.
    The rest is craziness. He seemed so logical, smart and very perceptive but 95% of what he said was lies and his court records/crimes are pure evil. I wouldn’t be surprised if he kills someone next, besides the AIDS thing. Now I just need to fly free like a Bird.

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  8. HG, in reading this post I found myself falling into many of the groups you have mentioned depending on where I was with my healing. I was as I first found your post angry! So of course I wanted to take that out on you. But as I slowly began to heal and understand you became a great teacher of so much knowledge that I continue to want to learn more about both sides. I have also learned a lot about myself. As I continue to heal and learn I find myself wanting to help others so they know they are not alone! As remarkable as this may sound one of the reasons I find myself still here is because of you! I also want to see you find what ever it is your looking for, your happiness has now become something I want for you! In fact for what ever reason you are doing this I want you to succeed!! So you see dear HG, I can not just pick one! Xxx

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  9. Loved this article H.G. I know I am mentally in a much stronger place this year than last year. I’ve been a pupil since day 1, 8/31/15. You tell me which category you think I’m in. Lol Some overlap, but I know I never felt hostile towards you.
    Coincidentally, a close friend and parent at my daughter’s school lost her husband to cancer 2 years ago. She naturally joined a local bereavement group through the church shortly after and attended for about 8 months. Over the summer, she had a low point and went to one of the meetings. She said she can no longer go back there. Fresh crop of faces and the level of their grief is so fresh and so raw it felt like ripping off a huge bandaid.
    So now she feels like she is in limbo. Still needs support but not in that desperate way when the death first occurred.
    Similarly I have noticed that here. I was so hurt, raw and completely confused and in a fog completely obsessed with the chemical element of how these relationships attract and develop. Now I’m passed that somewhat. Still trying to heal and work on myself, but I feel myself pull away sometimes when a new reader comes aboard with their painful story. I absolutely feel for them but I don’t like reminders of how low I felt because it doesn’t take much to “rip that bandaid” again. Hard place to be in.
    This is almost like a bereavement group. People are grieving a significant loss in a close relationship whether, intimate partner or parent and coming to terms with the ramifications it’s had on them making life choices. And you are at the helm. Did you expect it to grow as fast as it did? Was your plan to always have written this many books by now or did you match the growing demand?
    Have the doctors given any interesting goals relating to the blog or how you interact with everyone?

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    1. You arrived as a sponge and became a weaponised empath. I did expect it to grow because I know my what I have to share is not found anywhere else in such an insightful and accessible form, that my writing is interesting, people would find the interaction with me fascinating – although I was conscious that I would be hampered by those who would not countenance engaging with me purely because of what I am, their loss of course – and most of all because our kind affects millions of people. I expect it to grow much,much further and I am only limited by being able to get this blog and my books in front of people and people recognising that this is what will help then, since of course many people have no idea what they are dealing with. For instance, Red Flag sells but it is not one of my more popular works and that is because most people who come here do so after the event or during the event. Not enough people are being directed to arm themselves BEFOREHAND so they can identify our kind from the start. I suspect finding a conduit into schools and colleges, relationship advice etc would be the most appropriate for the word to be spread there.
      In terms of the books I actually had hope to have written more by now, but I have been slowed in recent weeks in that regard although it will pick up again from next week. There is a lot more yet to come.

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      1. HG , God forbid I should give you advice lol. But I would just like to offer the thought that you rethink your book titles . Once you understand narcissism you look deeper and stumble across blogs and then become familiar with narc terminology . However for most people they are clueless and would not necessarily think a book named rage or red flags are linked in anyway to a cheating partner or a withdrawing partner . I first Googled manic depression which led me to bi polar which then led me to BDP and through reading about BPD the word narcissist cropped up a few times . I see a lot of relationship coaches writing ebooks and posting and charging a fortune for what they describe as EUM’s emotionally unavailable men/women. Most of these coaches are charging crazy money for ebooks giving advice and I truly believe that a lot of the people following these love coaches advice are actually dealing with partners with personality disorders and are completely unaware as I was. These love coaches are quite main stream and give advice such as turn around an EUM by texting him less ha ha . My point is your books need to be more mainstream and need to have titles that are more SEO. Just a thought ❤️

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      2. That’s a valid point Lisa, however I do also wish to cater for those who understand the terminology as well, but you are right about what you suggest. I think the answer would be to have two sets of the same material or thereabouts – one set is for those who have some appreciation of narcissism and want to know more, thus they know the book is relevant to narcissism because they recognise the words etc – then another set which connects to those who do not understand narc terms but know something is wrong , so Fury might be Why Is He Always Angry, that type of thing. In fact, I shall do this. Since you and the other good posters will know more about this than me in terms of perspective, coming at it from an abuser perspective rather than purely that of a narcissist, perhaps you might suggest for me alternative titles for the relevant books, I would appreciate that input. I think you observations about love coaches – great term, I always thought that was a vehicle full of horny people – are spot on.

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      3. Ha ha your description of a love coach , yes I think your thoughts on why is he always angry is exactly the kind of title that may catch someone’s eye. I’ll have a think about the others . I’d be interested to hear what led other posters to stumbling across all this, they must have been looking for answers initially on the Internet and I’m sure there were many who did not initially start googling narcissist or maybe I’m the only one that was so dumb about all this !!!

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      4. I didn’t think narcissist at first either. I didn’t even really know what a narcissist was, much less that his covert and shy presentation could possibly match up with that. During the “relationship”, I googled everything I could think of, including his Myers Briggs personality type and zodiac to try and figure out why he was acting the way he did. Ultimately the discard and silence led me to narcissism. Basically googled “why am I being ignored” or something similar.

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      5. For Lilly and Lisa,
        In June 2015, after numerous silent treatments and Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde episodes and constant icy cold mood swings on his part, I stumbled on an article from Psychology Today on 12 signs you’re dealing with a Misogynist. They are all typically narcissistic. Prior to that, I thought narcissism was an overused word for self-centered people, especially in the millenial crowd. In searching more info on misogyny, that is how I stumbled on H.G.’s blog the very first day he started. But I didn’t have the courage to write in for almost 2 months lol. HG seemed much more austere back then. He’s loosened up some now. 😉

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      6. Hi Clarece , yes I noticed that when I read HG’s early posts it’s like a different person writing . Much colder and formal in his responses. Maybe at that time he wasn’t sure what the interaction would be like with the followers . He’s definately different in his approach now . I wasn’t questioning or following back then but I’ve read them all and some books obviously. HG regarding Clarece response about mysogonists they are not necessarily all narcissists ? Or are they ? I would presume all narcissist males are mysogonists but not always the other way round ?

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      7. Well misogynists definitely have the whole superiority complex going for them and subconscious contempt for women. So it puts them on the unhealthy side of the spectrum in my opinion. Lol

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      8. Hi Clarece , yes not very nice characters at all and ALOT of them around . Your probably right to the link with narcissism. I just wish HG’s stuff was more main stream . I see Sam Vaknin has been doing some public appearances with his wife and teaming up with Richard Grannon. However I still think it’s an area ( personality disorders) that there is so little knowledge of. By the way I have to confess I’m back seeing my ex !! I know I know !! Not sure how it will turn out , but right now he’s acting like a different person and I have never had a golden period and at the moment he’s behaving very differently , so I’m observing . I’ve also talked to him extensively about personality disorders and Narcissism . So no doubt I’m letting myself in for more trouble

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      9. Hold on to your hat. It’s coming. I was talking to mine for a couple weeks when he reached out for my birthday. He was being nice but the switch turned yesterday. I have a post in moderation with some of our exchanges I put in last night. It had a different feel. It’s like he was the highly charged emotional one and I was like whatever.

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      10. Hello Lisa,
        You weren’t the only one! Lol… I had no idea what I was looking for. I was trying to comprehend why someone would want to control me. I searched lesbians with two wives, polygamy, mental disorders, bi polar, the devil, controlling friendships, and who knows what else. I must have lived under a rock my whole life. Xx

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      11. It’s very interesting to hear your perception of me in how it has transformed in 12 months.
        Thank you for that response.
        I see your point that a lot of readers would by pass Red Flags because they’re connecting the dots on the red flags they realize they saw and turned their back on their own intuition and internal warning system. I suppose it would come in handy for someone who truly has moved on and substantial time has passed. Maybe they meet someone new and start feeling deja vu and that book would make for a great refresher.
        I understand that your ultimate goal is to be the top source of all things engaging with a narcissist. I know you stand by your methods are your methods and they work for the means to the end. But through this journey now and with the doctors, what do you see in yourself that has transformed that you maybe did not expect at the onset? Things still looking good at getting your share of the inheritance? Lol

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      12. You are welcome Clarece.
        I have been surprised at how willing I have been to engage with people concerning their situations as opposed to being haughty and dismissive, although that is clearly an impact of the five rules that had been devised.
        Yes the inheritance remains in my grasp as I am according with the ongoing treatment.

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      13. Thank you HG!! I’m very grateful you took a chance to correspond with me and not be dismissive.

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      14. My searches included;
        Why is he always Mad/Angry with me
        Explosive anger/unprovoked outbursts
        Emotional abuse
        Controlling spouse
        Constant accused of cheating when I’m not
        Spouse refuses to help with kids
        Spouse gives silent treatment/cold shoulder

        BPD was suggested by someone who has known him for a long time, but the compassion/empathy was missing. He could not put himself in anyone’s situation. It was a bpd victims blog that mentioned HGs book Manipulated. After I read a few of his books, it was the “homework assignment” from confessions that lead me to the blog.

        “You might even want to try and write a short pen profile of who you think I am and send it to me (more details on that can be found much later on).”

        And that is how I got here

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      15. Thank you Exhausted for sharing what you were looking for and how you came to be here,I found that interesting and it has also given me some ideas.

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      16. I actually believed M was a Narcissist before I started Googling, though I didn’t realize what that meant really. Or maybe I was not ready to see. I googled ‘Can you be addicted to a narcissist?’ which led me to some enlightening articles about the effects of emotional abuse and the chemicals it triggers in your brain. From there I bought several E-Books about narcissism. It was my therapist that suggested that M was also a sociopath. Later, playing on my kindle, amazon suggested one of HG’s books ‘Ask The Narcissist’ – et viola – here I am.

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      1. Awwww…B&T we would totally have that Lifetime Movie moment of hugging it out right now. Thank you!!

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      2. You`re welcome. I know I am a handful, but I`m not a monster. At least, not always.

        You`ve got my back with the swag bag and vampire hunting, remember! We`ll always have that!

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      3. Oh, I’m a different sort of handful too on my sappy emotional days. lol We’d provide the ying and yang to each other.

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  10. I have come to the conclusion from your descriptions that I an an Introspective Sponge that is Weaponising On the Up & Up. But I really like the idea of us having a bun fight HG. Bet, you’d look great with a custard pie in your face 🙂 .

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  11. You’ve carried me along several paths in this journey of discovery. From Confusion (So very confused) to The Answer Seeker, then The Sponge – and now The Weaponising Empath.

    I’ve run into a new person this week – who has immediately shown himself to be a Narcissist/Sociopath by his words and actions.

    I thought of you and your posts HG, and the knowledge I’ve gleaned over the past year. Immediately went No Contact/Ignore with him and will keep it that way. Even if he speaks to me, I will remain silent and walk away. No contact.
    I’ll feel rude & unkind – but, will remember that is what you say is necessary to do.

    The knowledge you’ve provided is priceless. And is not available in depth anywhere else. Thank you.

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  12. Interesting read! I’d say I was a weaponising empath. At first I was reading your blogs daily but now I dip in and out, no offence. When I first discovered what I had been involved with for a year it was a shock that it it was all fake, but reading each blog helped me to move on quickly. Now I understand what happened I am grateful to you but read them now on occasion merely out of interest not a need to know more basis. I know what he is. Thanks.

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  13. I would say I go between 3 of the groups 3,4, & 10. I want to know everything I can so I know what I dealt with and try to learn so I can not deal with it again. I find it all interesting. Plus you have helped me to know what to expect and you have not been wrong so I’ll keep learning. I have also learned about myself through your work and that has helped me to deal with some of the emotions that pop up when a Hoover happens

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  14. I am not happy to admit that I posit myself to be in 11. I’d rather be in any other categories but the narcissists and unwitting narcissists. I own it though if I am in your category 11. I’m not your kind. I’m happy that I escaped physically but in finding your honest blog, I know that N2 and I will not be free. I hope we are. The fact that he contacted me just a few months ago as I found your site proves it and makes me angry and confused. Make no mistake, if a peer victim recovers…high five to them.

    I’m confused bc I do not have the empath traits your kind desires. They were blocked at age 9. Maybe the traits are masked to me in denial or maybe like you said the Ns are inferiour. I doubt that is the case. They show most of the N traits. I am only 75% empath if one believes the quizzes and tests. Who knows how reliable they are?

    I am angry bc years of our lives were wasted…The last 10 years…push and pull…head spinning…hard stops bc thank you jaded…finally escape…but not really

    I read your blog entries before subscribing. A couple of posts showed your vulnerabilities. Yes you have them. This is not baiting. I wouldn’t be here if not for those…maybe that is good. You have been a valuable resource to help me understand, albeit the lingering confusion. You provided an answer from an SME pov.. I need to make due with it.

    Where I am not 11…I neither wish to bait nor bash your kind. You are people. You have been tormented and hurt. I have always said that I want peace for you. That is truth.

    I don’t think you are a waste of space or whatever. You belong here and it breaks my heart that you were abused.

    That said…I will speak my mind if something strikes out. Jaded might too. I will comtinue to be a smart ass bc that is who I was meant to be. It isn’t baiting you. I wish you peace.

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    1. I really like Lisa and Lilly’s suggestion – your works have been a lifesaver for me…I wish I had found them sooner…but I didn’t know what I was looking for. I do agree with you that you want the Narcissism to be highlighted as I think that will gain traction over time when more people are really aware of what NPD entails (which seems to becoming more prevalent now a days in its own way).

      When I found your books, I had searched Narcissism on kindle directly, but was largely unaware of what it really was in practical application. My situation is unique in the sense I am in a stepparenting role, but I know a small fortune could be made offering advice for parents/stepparents/teachers/co-workers on how to handle a child/boss/stepchild if the title is phrased more along those titles as I had searched that for years.There is not a lot of works dedicated to the practical application of co-existence with a Narc…for the peacekeepers…but not pertaining to a romantic relationship but more of one where you interact in non-sexual situations.

      Another point on that is that therapists tend to be reserved in diagnosing a patient with NPD/BPD (ESPECIALLY in the States), so I know don’t like throw labels as I find it insensitive? Therefore keeping the phrase out of the books catered on How to Deal with a ________ would probably get more traction as I wouldn’t feel qualified to even say that. I know that when I read your first book, I was looking at all your books as author so that could also get more people on the awareness level of Narcissism BEFORE it happens when they get there on a different title as Lily suggested.

      Of course, I am biased to stepparenting role as society always thwarts the stepmother as wicked, so all the groups I am on, we are all hyper-sensitive on how to deal with skids behaviors and I believe women mostly have a natural instinct to assist and help, but it goes back to what you said about people not being proactive beforehand – we often end up here (I think?) more in the middle of the journey as we never knew the other side really existed if that makes sense. Right now after reading your works, I think I am pretty prepared if I was ever to meet a narcissist and how to handle it in the real world – but dealing in the industry I do, they are everywhere and with divorce being more prevalent, I think there is something that triggers it more in kids but I could be wrong?

      The love coach is another really awesome idea – like a book catered to women on how to teach their man on how to be a intimate god in the bed and another how to teach women to be a goddess in the bed. While you don’t feel the emotions of others, you know them probably better than the feeling which may even be more powerful of a communicator in truth – I think a lot of guys would buy it too if catered to what women want in the bedroom as well as men are generally more geared in the physical realm but don’t have the emotional sense of even knowledge which you understand. For writing, understanding is way more valuable than feeling that is for sure. Generally, women are the hyper-consumers, but men spend more money on women than anything else so catering to them usually is a win win….you could also do one on how to reach the emotionally detached man…women are ALWAYS googling that. A self-help book is a lot more comfortable than a therapist…the new agers want the tantric sex and the euphoria…but that is getting back down in the South of all oddities.

      And of course, one that would be great is for the legal community regarding how to handle in a court setting for family law. Because I feel NPD’s/BPD’s have a fear of abandonment/rejection in some cases, a divorce can trigger dormant symptoms or at least heighten them. I have watched lawyers get creamed by not understanding what they are dealing with. Since the Court is a competition, this could be an invaluable resource…but don’t make it free for Kindle subscribers – make them pay enough for it that it’s a must-have. Their lawyers 🙂 But also it could help the other party – usually the NPD wins in Court, but that isn’t always best for the children and would have been valuable…but only drawback is usually people realize after the fact or in the middle and not before, but a divorce checklist never hurt anyone either.

      And of course, there is a book for your many admirers: How to Make the Unemotionally Detached Love You 😉 and an ending into your healing – you were always good at faking emotions 😉 You could solve that riddle but that would be a best seller for sure and your legacy would live on and on and on…

      Not that money is of issue to you at all, but there is a lot of grants that pay you for this type of research that you could apply for. My motto is why pay out if you can get paid…but it’s a proven fact that the guy or girl in the office getting bullied by the Narcissist buys the self help book to help them and your energy is empowering so it helps them know when to stop a battle they can’t win or empower themselves for the better. With your authorship, all of it will be directed back and eventually lead them back to the Narcissism, which will give insight back on the original goal where you knowledge was obtained.

      You could easily set up a resource network because you are one of the few authors in the world that responds – an affiliate network of sorts could prove a valuable resource and if you respond to comments have them promote a link or two…the world does need narcissists to make decisions – the guy that doesn’t care whose feelings he hurts, who he fires, hires, or how he invests or how he does this and that – these type of resources help others improve theirselves too – there is more insecure people than secure – the construct knows this and is built on this understanding.

      Oh my gosh I have written an epic, but either way, I think your works will make it out there, but remember, we are mere mortals…you are the god so the level of self-awareness often hits after the fact so our google searches are much different than yours for sure.

      As far as your blog post, well, there is no one’s opinion I would value other than yours on this one…but I would say 2, 4, 8,10, and 12 – predominantly 12, but I feel aspects of the others that make their influence from time to time depending on the experience. I corroborate with Snow White and feel like he and I related in our journey but different type of relationship.

      More specifically, I started off confused but had a lot of experience without the practical application – I still get confused because living through it without knowing what it is leaves you with kind-of a hybrid of knowledge through experience. It’s like the guy who takes companies public but then tackles the role of running the company – your knowledge of the aspects doesn’t correlate to the wisdom of application. Reading your blog and books, I feel like I am progressing on 2, but it’s hard to grasp the concepts in general as I am not wired that way. As I have always had the advantage of establishing emotional connections because of feeling others emotions, the Narcissist is emotionally void but there is still emotions going on between the construct and self so I can feel them, but I don’t understand them. Emotions to me are like a dictionary – when I feel something, I have to put it in a bank of sorts where I can recall it and understand it. I am still learning, but you have been very patient…and for me, I have always been a hands on learner.

      I definitely relate to 4 because I have learned that I have to understand the Narcissist in order to categorize the emotions – in a lot of ways, I feel that being an Empath is a disadvantage with a Narc because I can be reliant on emotionally connecting easily with others that it’s like going to ground zero with a Narc who does not experience emotional connections. But for emotions are everywhere so reading the words can be so literal that it takes me a while to get to that ah-ha moment. I am a slow learner!

      8 was actually an enlightened surprise for me, in a weird way and made me see that there was a reason I was getting more frustrated. I was not practicing love and acceptance and wanted change to the point I really started to realize that I had to look at what was bothering me at this level – of course, it opened up triggers that occurred in my life, too but there was a reason I was having harder times with certain things than others. I also due an introspection before I judge as I find that equitable and just. But reading your works has made me evaluate that sometimes differing motives can be equally destructive. Like, if I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings so don’t say anything and watch the self destructive behavior – how is that different than the narcissist who deceives on purpose? There is a fine line when the action can become self-serving – while the intent can be vastly different – sometimes the fear of not hurting leads to bad places for the people I love the most.

      12 is the predominant category as my goal is for another. In that journey, I have learned a lot of myself and gotten to corroborate with others that I am able to direct to your books that have helped me. This is a joy for me as I really love to help others and know how much it means when someone takes the time to help me which doesn’t truthfully happen as much as vice versa. In fact, it can even feel awkward.

      So HG, from what you know of me thus far, care to proffer?

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      1. Hi Sarah, thank you very much for your thoughts. They are well considered and I see plenty of opportunity in them. As for which group I see you belonging to I would suggest the Sponge.

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    1. Also a great piece.
      It is wonderful how you acknowledge and interact with us. I at times find humor with you and the fellow posters/bloggers. When I read about so much pain and damage that has happened to people on here, and once in a while I see posts with a bit of tongue in cheek humor, I have to believe that through it all they still can smile.
      As much as you don’t care, you do make a positive difference.
      Thanks cyber buddy, you crazy fucker. Yes, I love this word. Not sure if I used it yet on here.
      Also noted is that we are all from many different walks of life.

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  15. You embody my husband to a tee. I am all of the above. He has angered me to the point I could watch him die a slow painful death and delight in every aspect of it. He has confused me to no end because I do not understand. He has beat me physically, menatlly, spiritually, emotionally, verbally, and every way unimaginable. But yet I love him unecplanably. I’ve been counciled to leave and run far far away, but cannot. I seek understanding. I crave knowledge. Beneath it all he is good and there have been moments when I see him for him and not the monster others see. I am still standing, desperately wanting to not live in fear of the man I love. Thank you so much!

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  16. Brilliant post HG !! Okay, so I see myself as 4,10&12.

    I bloody hope you don’t think I’m 11 but I suspect you may Hahhaha. I do love my small wins, you have me addicted to this now. It’s too much fun. I certainly feel as though I have reached recovery, lots of little things have changed about how I internalise things now. By way of example, before I used to be bothered about what people thought of me, now I don’t think like that at all and decide whether I like them or not. I’d heard people say this before, this was always just words and I never understood it. I don’t go out with people / go to places I won’t enjoy just to please others, I only go if I want to go. I’m no longer bothered if someone doesn’t reply to a message of mine, I realise either they are busy or personality disordered. I love, love, love my small wins but I don’t go out of my way for them more opportunistic. But I’m not prepared to give them up 🙂

    Id be interested to know what you think though.

    I’ve one more category for your consideration HG. ‘Wasn’t really with an N’ category. This is the person who has perhaps been a little mistreated in a relationship. Not because they were with an N, but because they irritated the hell out of their partner so damn much, it brought their partners Dormant N traits alive (we all have them). And I can think of …… who diminishes my empathic qualities and makes ME want to be An N hahaha. So this type of person is oblivious to their own qualities and the affect they have on others, and hence beleives they have coupled with one of your kind.

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    1. Thank you Alexis, no I do not see you as belonging to group number eleven.
      Your approach to decision-making and the small wins strikes me as pragmatic and seizing the power relevant to you.

      I think your additional category is valid. I see is an adjunct to the Unwitting Narcissist category. I have seen people who claim to be empathic etc but of course one only reads or hears of the claims whereas I witness narcissistic behaviour on their part which points in a particular direction. It follows also that a person may well not be a narcissist but an annoying individual who awakened narcissistic traits or perhaps even just got on the other person’s nerves so much that they lashed out, after all, everybody has a threshold when dealing with unacceptable behaviour.

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      1. I would probably pounce on a category like that. I spent tons of time wondering “Am I one? Is he actually one? Am I just horribly confused and being mean? I can be bratty, my mouth does get me in trouble…” It would have been the perfect excuse to redouble my efforts at self-flagellation.

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      1. Awww 1j1, sorry to hear that. It is always nice to have HGs opinion of course. But remember he is what he is hahah (hey HG) and what worked last time, won’t work a second time, or it might ?

        Best thing is, write loads of comments and questions, then you don’t remember which ones haven’t been answered.

        And if he doesn’t reply, make up your own mind. You don’t need him to validate what you are.

        What do you think you are ? Grasp the power.

        Erm love you HG and all your answers xxxxxxxxxxx

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      2. Alexis,
        All kinds of yasssssss to what you just said. Jaded1, I may ha e said this before, girl, no need to be defined by HG or anyone else. You define YOU. Just like the diagnoses that doctors use, his labels here are for us to conceptualize ourselves at a different Pov. Are labels real? Hell no! They are tools to quickly summarize our uniqueness to others (usually docs), and somewhere, our special details get lost.

        I refuse to be boxed. That’s why I refuse to say if im an “empath”, or a “super” or a normal. Who defines normal? F@$k, we are getting insight from each other here and how many mislabeled have each of us been given in the effort of “understanding”.

        I am woman, hear me roar.
        Xox

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  17. Hoe do I know for definately my partner was a narcissist. He didnt have all the traits but did things to make me jealous then argued about my possessiveness but pretended it was me that started it. Eg had naked photos of ex but said he had them to catch me out as knew I would snoop. He accused me of all sorts all the time but if questioned disappeared and wouldn’t answer phone or texts would just ignore and when did eventually speak say I didn’t ignore u im just not discussing your nonsense. Constantly blamed Mr said I was mental he was innocent victim.

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    1. Hello Lynette, the behaviours that you describe certainly belong in the auspices of narcissism.
      1. Provoking jealousy is a method of generating the provision of fuel;
      2. Blame-shifting by claiming you started the issue;
      3. Blame-shifting by claiming possession of the naked photographs was to demonstrate that you snoop;
      4. Repeated questioning – projection and provocation
      5. He disappeared when challenged which is a reaction to criticism;
      6. Not answering phone calls and texts is silent treatments
      7. Labelling you as mental – projection

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  18. Love your blogs. So easy to understand and get my head around. I would say Im the ‘sponge’. Have been for nearly 2 years now. It seems there isnt enough learning to be done on the subject of narcissism. After reading the ‘Revenge’ book, I can hardly wait to put the information into practice. The stalking has started up again for me now. It needs to STOP! Thanks for the knowledge. Try to wish me well.

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  19. 12, 8 and 3. Maybe most people writing here have/had only one narcissist in their lives (e.g. a partner), apart from those in their families of origin. This is not my case. I have been (and I am still being) targeted by sociopaths over and over again and want to get out of this scapegoat role. Fortunately, this blog and HG’s books are helping me to gain more insight into my own life.

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  20. I know I’ve had many narcs in my life. Talking with my mom I realize she did too. I don’t know where I’d fit on this list, I imagine a number of them. I wanted to learn everything and apply it to my own situation, learn about myself and my own nature, I’ve been trying to help my friends/family irl by sharing knowledge. I’ve been able to use that knowledge against new people who i have seen as narcs or having those tendencies. But i know I’m still stuck on my most recent N. I’ve also got my own view of things that would be considered unhealthy and masochistic, I’m sure.

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  21. I appreciate the time you took to observe and educate us on our own behavior. Reading your books and blogs has been an awakening for me. I am in therapy as well. They tell me my way of thinking needs to alter. I need to be reprogramed. Apparently with long term therapy, I will be rehabilitated to no longer be a codependent. They’re going to dial it down and create more normalcy within me. Honestly, it really doesn’t sound that wonderful to me. I admit I feel the need, the yearning to once again continue on with my pattern. Yet, this site has helped curb my craving for the time being. Perhaps it will hold me over till the suggested lobotomy transforms me into a “normal” person.

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  22. I like this one, HG. Definitely shows you understand who is here and why. I feel I moved through a few of those categories and am continuing to grow to both heal and take what I have learned here to help others. Sure, anger and sadness and grief flow through me from time to time…its a process. I’ve learned a lot though.

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    1. In terms of the group that you belong to, pertinent to the article, I see you as a Sponge. You are not as obvious about it as other people but I know you are reading and absorbing it all.

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  23. Hi HG! I went Public with this post as I found it Extraordinary! I have been reading your posts and following your work for 6 months solid. I am absolutely facinated and intrigued by this kind of human being. I am not afraid of it in fact I embrace it. I have a very Dear friend who is stuggling with being in an exclusive relationship with me because of his personality disorder with Narcissistic traits/tendencies.He hasn’t fully admitted the N part of it yet but he does express needing to calm the monster inside often throughout the length of the day. I am actually a trigger/stressor/friend/potential GF for him as I think he trusts me plus sees that I will not ever be one of his victims rather a very strong willed tough loving loyal female to always have on his side. So, my question is, Do you think after our 7years off & on with him that it’s possible he could feel Love for me(which he claims he feels like with no other and he has tried to forget me but he cannot pull it of) since I have shown him loyalty & he clearly recognises that I will stand up to him-hell I think I portray these traits as well-or is it now & always will be a prime example of co-dependency? I have read Come One, Come All over & over and quite frankly I fit into all these catorgories. I love your work & I feel pretty confident I would love you in person as well but that is me the caring loving determined Empath right? I own your books Escape & No Contact! I feel your Kind are not only complex, interesting, challenged and cruel but also very Special individuals to walk & share with.

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    1. Hello Melody,
      Thank you for your message and I am pleased you have been following and reading for that period of time. I do hope you stay with me. You are evidently approaching the situation with your friend in an open-minded and empathic manner, with your eyes wide-open as to what he is and what may follow.

      1. Could he feel love for you? No, what he tells you is designed to attract you to him in order to receive the fuel from you. He will love the fuel you provide and the fact that you are more likely to remain owing to your increased awareness of his needs.
      2. I do not think you are co-dependent as you do not appear to need to be with him, but rather you want to be because of your strong empathy. I suspect you are more likely to be a Super Empath.
      3. You would love me in person, of that I have no doubt.
      Thank you for purchasing the books. Since you find my kind intriguing and fascinating there is plenty more for you to read about and much, much more on the way.

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  24. Hey, my first time here, but several months (or years maybe?) figuring out your kind through books and .sites like yours, find yours very clear and helpful.
    I overlap on many categories but specially use it to understad how I get entangled with narcs in a serial manner, every time I realize a lot faster and get out luckily! Today your blog made me open my eyes about one new narc I was about to fall for, lol. I have some questions: 1.- Many narcs I´ve known are kind of lost when it comes to their vocation, they have no clue what they are good at or what they like (I mean, in their careers) why do you think that is? 2. Some narcs I´ve known have a special relationship with some kind of spirituality, why?- 3. Do some narcs have little moments of moral conscience? (I know usually not, but I´ve seen rare moments when it seems they do) 4.- Do you or other narcs sometimes miss one of you ex fuel providers? (not their fuel, but the person who provided)

    Enlighten me!

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    1. Hello Bella, welcome on board and thank you for the kind compliment.
      1. They are Lessers and their lack of control of their behaviours spills into their careers so that they lack direction;
      2. it appeals to their sense of grandiosity;
      3. no – the key phrase in your question is “when it seems they do”
      4. No, we miss the fuel.

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  25. I have no idea what group I belong to. Maybe too early to tell. I normally do not fall into groups, but one who stands alone lol.

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      1. HG, I see all the the comments and questions, not from just one blog, but every single one of them. You do indeed answer and what I feel to be in a timely fashion considering. Not only do you read, reply, and answer all of our comments and questions, but you some how find the time to write new material to share with us. I often wonder where the heck you find the time to do so? I can’t even find the time to reply to just one text or message I get on most days lol. I suppose the time you invest in us keeps you out of trouble?

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      2. Thank you B that is most kind of you. Much of my material was generated even before I began the blog and therefore I have had a reserve on which I could rely. As for answering the comments, I do not do so as fast as I would like to, but that is the reality of my need to gather fuel elsewhere, perform my job, sleep and eat etc. Of course I am prolific in my writing because I am a talented, industrious and dedicated machine.

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      1. Outside of this arena, if it served my purpose to find fault with what you have written, naturally I would, even though it is accurate.
        Here, I have no ulterior motive and therefore I can confirm it is accurate.

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  26. I find it humorous when you pretend to have empathy HG. We both know you don’t care about the effect of the narcissistic experience on others.

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