Double Damnation

API to get a roll of the dice

Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules. People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice. That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one. Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage. There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.

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20 thoughts on “Double Damnation”

  1. HG you are seriously causing some much need emotions, anger in particular.
    Hmm time for a trip to the paintball field. Nothing like shooting people with out worrying about jail time.

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    1. Hi Christine,
      Are you doing ok? This blog really helps. Don’t give up hope. You have not lost everything. The most important part of you, your soul, remains intact.

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      1. Thankyou love
        Yes rmg – im struggling with logic and emotion .
        Im numb with hurt – longing for the day this pain stops

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      2. Thank you Yancosky.
        Christine, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Most of us on this blog have or are still going through the excruciating pain. I know it’s no consolation now, but you will come out of it stronger and wiser. Keep talking to us.

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  2. Hi Hg, my comment posted earlier today to both yourself and also to moving on (it will be awaiting moderating as I write), would be appropriate here as well 😉 Salute…I can see that my mind is still one step behind with you…(a few but I’ll try and get away with saying only one) lol…you are producing great works my Dear. and Hear hear !! here’s to you. x’s

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  3. That’s my life…you’ve just described my life to the point I’ve lived with a notebook of do’s and don’ts trying daily to just get it correct once. I have failed. Now I know (kinda) why. It has driven me to the point of suicide many many a time…when I couldn’t go to my own mother’s funeral because he couldn’t handle it. Thank you, beyond words thank you for sharing.

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  4. Christine
    It will come, do you have outside support? I don’t mean to be noisy.
    That and reading what HG has written in not just his books but here to. I went through mine completely alone, and pray you are not. I have moments when i wish HG had been around then yet he is here now, and thankful he is helping so many regardless of whatever his motives are.
    I am so sorry, yet the end will come. I don’t know if this will help yet I found fighting to suppress the emotion instead of just letting it flow like water over me made it worse.
    That and rewiring my thinking, it is very hard in the beginning yet not impossible, sense that is what they do to us, just a more pleasent experience in the beginning.
    Take it one day, one minute, or one second at a time if needed. And if you slip it’s ok, you loved the person that was shown.
    There is light at the end of this dark tunnel.

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    1. Thankyou rmg – i do have support – bit they dont get it like we do .
      This blog is a life saver – i keep reading – and thanks jaded and love ❤️❤️❤️
      Everything HG writes is so true
      One day il stop loving my illusion 😔

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