Tell Me What I Want To Hear

 

I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.

I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.

You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.

Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?

When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.

When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.

It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.

I did not lie when I said that I loved you.

I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.

I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.

I just did not tell you the truth.

The truth that I never felt love for you.

Because I cannot do that.

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77 Comments

  1. This is the main thing I can’t get my head around. How
    Can a human not love?
    How can one be so close to another yet feel nothing?
    What a lot of work to invest for someone you don’t love.

    I just can’t CAN’T believe that he never loved me. He cried. He said amazing things that were just beautiful. He’s invested time in me.

    How can he go through life never actually feeling?

    I can’t break free until I fully understand how this is possible.

    Yep. I’m in denial arnt I?

    1. I am not physically alone because I am in a room full of people. Am I alone in some other sense? I am connected to those people through fuel. I am alone in the sense that I am superior to them, above them and thus in lofty and splendid isolation.

  2. What is the purpose of it all, the love bombing and discard? Is it for the pure enjoyment of seeing another human being destroyed, the pride in knowing that you did that? Is it hilarious that someone loves you so intensely but will never be loved by you? What do narcs get out of it? I can’t comprehend such cruelty.

    1. Hello Lost Butterfly, it is all about the fuel. If you read the book Fuel it will clearer. It is not about the enjoyment of seeing another human being destroyed. We want the fuel. We may exhibit enjoyment at somebody;s misfortune in order to draw more fuel. We may appear to show pride in that, but again that is done to draw fuel. The end always justifies the means.
      It is not hilarious that someone loves us so intently but will never be loved by us.
      We get fuel out of it primarily, along with traits and residual benefits.

  3. I’m new here n grateful for being led here. I was told I love you. Your a princess. Had my feet rubbed. My back. Charmed. Lil by lil the meaness n disrespect began. Now I sit researching. Healing. Cause I’m still doubting if he is a narc. But I see it so much more. Y did I believe????

    1. Hello Jenny and welcome on board. You believed for two main reasons
      1. You are the type of person who is an attractive target to a narcissist and thus susceptible to the illusion;
      2. Your believe was engineered because we are extremely convincing.
      To save my fingers from typing any more at this stage, I recommend you read all that you can on this blog, read my books and then ask your questions as you go along. You have just been dumped in the emotional sea by your narcissist but just as you are going under the waves, your fingers have grabbed a lifering.

      1. I did. Thank God!!!!! I’m free now n hipevto heal quickly from this psychological n emotional abuser. Thank u fir being a light here to many like myself who need to understand them n ourselves.

  4. Well, thank you! I’m perfectly fine with the small round of applause. The big one has almost turned me to ashes.

  5. I’ve anticipated such comment, HG :0) I even wanted to write “not that you need my permission”. See, I am making some progress reading your work…one step forward, two steps back, but it’s still a progress.

  6. Brilliant. So well written. I would have liked it even better if it wasn’t the ultimate truth :0)

      1. Thank you HG, I’m flattered. Feel free to use it, as you have already written about one chapter of my life – “I Could Not Love You More”.

  7. HG. The mimicking (?) must be exhausting!! You would need to ‘be on call’ for the whole act. Even actors, true actors, get their break when not on stage or making their movie etc. To turn in on and off constantly surely must do your head in. I understand that the mask slips and the ‘mimic’ in that moment is ‘out the window’ so to speak, but none the less, it must be difficult to keep up yeah?

    1. Not when you have spent nearly a lifetime doing it, are of a higher function and ability and your survival depends on it. I agree it may be exhausting for the less evolved of my kind, but not for me.

      1. Good afternoon Mr. Tudor. When you were younger and less skilled, did you ever mimic the wrong response by accident? Is there a go-to response you use when unsure of what is required?

        1. Not so much the wrong response Love, but rather not knowing the correct response either quick enough or at all. Thus a blank look appeared much to the disbelief and alarm of the person I was with.

      2. Lol as she recounted the tragic tale of finding her beloved cat, Miffy, by the side of the road that morning. “She just wouldn’t wake up.”

      3. my hubby had his mask on for 4yrs. i always knew something wasnt right, something fake or insecure. there was an ability to morph into people around us, and i wondered if he had morphed into what he thought i wanted. there were many times of extreme bullshit.. yet he still managed to make me believe he was a good guy. but i thought, surely no one can keep an act up for that long. sure enough though once he got on his feet and didnt rely on me for his existence anymore. .bammmm mask fell off that quick he hit me with it.

    2. they enjoy it..they get a kick out of it. its not exhausting its exhilerating. they really dont care about people so dont go througg the same tiring emotions as us

  8. DC,

    I liked your description…I could feel the energy which was exciting!!!

    “When a log is lit on fire, the inside burns so hot, so bright while the outside is charred and black…crumbling apart. Even though the fire eventually burns out the shape of the log still remains. It isn’t until someone pours water on it or the wind blows that it is as if the log never existed… This is much like love… how can love die when it burned so bright? It is a feeling, an emotion and if you do not give it fuel it will burn out quickly.”

    HOT! Okay, think of it like this – for any type of love to start, it has to burn from the inside like you describe — that is RAW DESIRE – it burns, bright blue and hard – it doesn’t release you because it burns from within – this is most likely compared to the “the very first feelings” for normal people – – the laws of attraction – for a Narcissist, this is further elemented by control and the image of what should be so it adds an additional PASSION in the flames for the LONGEST energy available with the optimism that it can extract ever single drop out of the raw flame aura regardless – the blue flame of raw desire is DEVOURING and INTOXICATING at the same time, it burns very hot and very fast – it is not complimented by the length of time in a relationship – that is why a Narcissist I believe gets disappointed with all relationships over a certain period – normals do to – BUT the element of control becomes more predictable for the Narcissist. Control for a Narcissist is essential for their feeling of love from my observation thus far…so they can ENJOY the energy without the fear of it evaporating.

    Time…the second element…normal people are able to emotionally regulate with prudence that INSIDE RAW DESIRE which can be prolonged in the “dating stage” for YEARS – like 3-5 – these people take it verrrrryyy “slow” – time is not something your kind or my kind waste, but I have seen this over and over again, and do believe that time, overall, is the maker or breaker – certain people, like HG, are just able to override the normal constraints of time – they view it as as quality vs quantity – normals view it vice versa.

    However, in the end, those flames that once burned light blue in passionate desire heat will always turn into a steady flame of orange or another color distinct to both individuals in the relationship – that is when you really start to look at the log and go, “Oh boy, that may not have been a good piece of wood OR the right flame” as some flames can handle others better just as we see prettier colors formed from combinations of other colors, so it goes for people and relationships. But in the end, are bodies are more like logs – it’s our energy, or aura if you will, that makes us glow a different “glow” (what I believe anyways).

    Love and peace is found in the constants of two energies that often are not what one would think that combine for their own color that works for them – typically the steadiness of orange – but not every flame is alike. Our primary colors come from the color of fire: red, blue, and yellow – the constant burn appears orange to our eyes, but that is also because the energy is working so quickly, but it takes many different colors to make that flame not fade out and some flames are prettier than others…but in the end it comes down to the choice of commitment. HG calls it an investment and I think a lot of other people see it that way – that is why they get married, they settle on the log and the aura – naturally divorce transpires too, but in the end, you try to keep what you want close so it burns forever – but you have to settle for the combination of the glow.

    That choice of commitment to compliment someone else is what I define as love although it is much harder to describe but a beginning foundation perhaps if anything so far has made sense…

    1. I get what you are saying but I have only had the hot, burning and bright burning embers for narcissistic men… I have NEVER had that feeling with a man who may have been a normal and true love. It has never happened, there is nothing there. All of the time in the world couldn’t make the fire inside me grow for a man who couldn’t ignite the passion…

      I just want more in life…

      1. DC, that is one thing I really admire about you – what you want you get and my bet will always be on that you will. As I can’t relate to the Golden Period, it sounds like it is a very blissful time that makes up for the other negatives in the relationship maybe? In your opinion, is the Golden Period requisite for the after effects or is it just a Narcissistic relationship in general that has addicting qualities?

        1. Sarah, I always get what I want in the beginning even though it may not play out exactly as I want but I am resilient and adaptable.
          The golden period is definitely a high… it can make up for some of the negatives if done intermittently through out the relationship… but it does not make up for continued physical abuse.

          The Golden Period is what it is… his way of giving you what you need to get what he needs. Fair trade, wouldn’t you say?

          1. DC, agreed no excuse for physical abuse…and can see you as always getting what you want one way or the other for sure.

            In response to your question, no I don’t see how it could be fair if it was a Golden Period – the Golden Period insinuates high highs to be met with low lows…I get the whole I want so I give but is that not just part of calibrating a normal relationship?

  9. It makes no sense. If you did not lie when you said “I love you” then you should be capable of love. How can you LOVE someone if you cannot feel love?

  10. I’d take the fairy tale route all over again and again… It does feel so much better even if it is manufactured. It is your kind of love, it is a feeling of being fulfilled with fuel. My kind of love is being fulfilled with the feeling/emotion of love. Does it matter what it is called? I understand the dark side but the golden side tastes go good. So addicting, really a normal love doesn’t compare.

    When a log is lit on fire, the inside burns so hot, so bright while the outside is charred and black…crumbling apart. Even though the fire eventually burns out the shape of the log still remains. It isn’t until someone pours water on it or the wind blows that it is as if the log never existed… This is much like love… how can love die when it burned so bright? It is a feeling, an emotion and if you do not give it fuel it will burn out quickly.

    1. DC, I would also take the fairy tale route all over again and again…and again. I could never get enough of it or get bored by it. Yes, it is extremely addictive and “normal”, genuine love, seems so pale and boring compared to it. But there are major downsides to this fairy tale love – it is fake (all the time) and it hurts (except for the golden period(s)).

      1. You are right, I stated it in my post above… It is inevitable though. From a man (relationship wise) this is the only kind of love I know. I have dated and just automatically have no interest in anything less. I have tried but I just get bored.

        I am aware of trouble I seek but really it is so easy because it finds me…

        That being said I am not looking for anything and enjoy my freedom and time alone. 🙂

  11. I enjoy reading your informative ramblings, it does amaze me how gullible we all can be. Except you, one of The Greaters. I almost feel sorry for your kind, you will never feel joy, or love, or pain for that matter. But the fact that you pass on your emptiness to others just makes me feel contempt. You will die alone and miserable, and that is enough revenge for all of us out there who ever had the misfortune to fly into one of y’alls pretend worlds. I sleep so much better knowing no matter how many people you empty, it will never be enough!

    1. Hello Flighty, ramblings?! Ramblings?! These are the product of my razor sharp mind you rapscallion! Your sorrow is acknowledged and of course is something we want. I will not die alone or miserable, I know you like to think that will be the case and it is often trotted out so that people feel better. It might apply to some of my kind, but it will not to me. I have all of that covered. Thank you for reading.

      1. Easy boy, steady, steady, no 5 rule breaking. I’ve got some nice young meat over here for you……yes that’s it, you love rump roast right? Good boy their you go…*strokes ego*

      2. Mr. Tudor, if you find yourself alone in your autumn years, you can always call me and I’ll come take care of you. ❤
        I had to look up the word rapscallion. I thought it would be related to a scallion but its not.

        1. How kind of you Love, I shall take you up on that offer whether I am alone or not, don’t worry though, those years are a long way off yet and there is much to be done in the meanwhile.

      3. Hi HG, such BIG words. I guess I am rapscallion. I take that as a compliment, thank you. I do question the not dying alone and miserable part though. Don’t you prove that fact, each and every time you write about yourself?
        No one has lived up to your needs for very long before you discard them. You’ve mentioned in some of your posts that WE always fail to sustain you, WE run out of that good fuel you so desperately need. So you’ve proven my point with the products of your existence.
        No one and nothing will ever be enough for you, even with all your good intentions and thought out plans. Once achieved we/they don’t quite live up to your expectations, your needs. So why would death be any different? You might have some people there by your death bed but you will still be very alone. As I’m sure you already know, because You are A Greater, and are so self aware. But I understand your refusal to acknowledge it. That denial thingy us mortals cling to when we cannot accept the truth, is alive and well in you.
        Maybe we aren’t so different after all……..

        1. I see your point Flighty, but those people serve a purpose for a period of time and thus will continue to do so, thus I would not end up lonely. I would still attract people to me and for a period of time they would serve what i needed and during that time there is no issue. From the expansion of your interesting views, you are suggesting that the loneliness is something other than having people physically proximate, yes?

          1. HD do you feel as if your internally happy even though your always searching for your next victim or life may be chaotic? Do you ever have actual genuine love at all for your partner??? N one last question. Why do u keep this personality hidden so well from family n friends?

          2. Never happy, There are moments of contentment.
            No, I do not know what genuine love is.
            As to your last question – do you mean me or narcissists as a whole?

          3. My question was why do you hide who you really are As a narcissist from your family and friends. My narc is loved by many. I don’t get it. His own mom doesn’t even know he’s in AA. Thank u.

            Is there an area as to purchase your books?

          4. Our kind hide this from family and friends for several reasons:
            1. Some of our kind do not know what we are and therefore if they do not know, they cannot admit it;
            2. You are probably referring to the abusive side being hidden. This is done because
            a. We need to maintain a facade;
            b. We need to draw positive fuel and residual benefits from family and friends;
            c. if we exposed them to what we are really like we would lose them and then we would have to spend time and energy replacing them all;
            3. It is the primary source who invariably gets the brunt of it. Family and friends may sometimes see snippets of the abusive side (not always) but they never ever realise what it actually is and put it down to something else. Given the nature of the relationship they have with us they will always afford us the benefit of the doubt and remain loyal.

            Yes, you can purchase them all on Amazon. Some are available in paperback as well.

        1. Alex, how so? I am not saying that the methodology is incorrect, but I don’t understand it per say? To manufacture would indicate no emotional response…desire, lust – very first feelings – I get that distinction and could agree those feelings were manufactured, but “love” [agape] is different – I guess I am trying to relate the equivalent or maybe is the lack thereof and only desire, lust, conquest that serves as the Narcissist’s version of love? This would make sense as to why the relationship’s end within the year mark but don’t want to assume?

    1. FTC – the blog title is called: “TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR” – if HG doesn’t say it now it means 1 of 2 things: 1) he never will or 2) he respects you enough not to go there ;)!

      1. Sarah,
        Thank you for your interpretation of what HG thinks. It was not required. In fact, I do not require any reason as to why HG says or does not say things. I also recall the title of the piece and I thank you for your reminder. Although, I am not quite sure as to why you imagined I needed one. FTW.

  12. Love your picture with the insides of a heart shaped clock…it’s very beautiful – I like clocks. At this point in your life, if you could feel love, would you choose to?

      1. Well, there are downsides to love and it can be a liability as well as you have seen with your past victims – I could see how someone in your predicament may choose not to love – but, as a Greater, you are self-aware – so I guess my question is, if there was a button that read: “You will feel the emotion of love, happiness, and joy, push here.” Would you push the button or would you continue on as you are now?

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