Why Has He Gone Back?

 

Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly batshit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”

 

“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”

 

“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”

 

“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”

 

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

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13 thoughts on “Why Has He Gone Back?”

  1. I can go back (and forth) very easily. You see, I don’t really love either of you. I just go where the gettin’ is good, and when I’ve used the both of you up I will find a new boy, a brighter, shinier boy.

  2. Exactly the way it happened to me, unbelievable! I knew he was in a long-term relationship. We are co-workers, so we’ve talked about almost everything. Sometimes he would speak highly of his GF, but then I’d be told she was lazy, without ambitions, that she could not “follow” him, that he lost interest in sex, that they slept in separate bedrooms and so forth. I even justified his behavior when he told me he pulled her hair because she made some “stupid comment”. The story of their incompatibility, the match of a brilliant and an average person, combined with his charisma, his magnetism and his declaration of unconditional love for me, really made me feel and think he was a wonderful person, stuck with that average GF. I felt he was in need of my help and love. I was his “savior”. He even pleaded: “Please, save me, SEF!”. Thus, I felt no serious concern for interfering in their relationship. Moreover, I wanted to end my marriage in order to be with this wonderful man, who adored me and whom I adored. When he told me he’s left his partner (which I doubt would happen, but the immediate cause behind his decision was an event which was a great fuel for his ego), I was in shock, because we did not talk about it, we haven’t discussed that matter like two adults were supposed to. He just informed me about his “move”. However, regardless of my shock, I felt I triumphed. Good overcame evil and now this wonderful man was all mine. The golden period commenced in its full potency, but the cracks in the facade prevented me from making the final move – divorcing my husband. Anyway, I don’t think he will ever get back with his GF, as that would represent a defeat to him, although now I realize how good she was at providing fuel. I think new prospects seem much more potent. But then, that’s my logic.

      1. One question HG – I understand the above in terms of triangulation. But, when they go back to old, smeared partner, how do they justify that move to themselves and to their circle of friends and family? How do they undo everything horrible they said about that particular person? “Yes, I said she was a stupid, lazy bitch, but she has changed into a highly intelligent, hard-working lady.” !?

      2. We deny we ever said those things in the first place or she has changed (thanks to my input) or her drug/drink problem (never real) made her like that but now she is clean (thanks to me). Take your pick.

      3. TOO funny and correct!!! Im starting to think THIS blog gives ME fuel, and “almost” relate to the fuel you need ……hmmmm

      4. Thanks for the reply HG. I find this quite Interesting. If the behavior itself is a pattern (in terms of many failed relationships i.e. “bad” partners”), then it is strange how a person does not lose credibility among his/her fiends, after a while. To draw some parallel – a person saying “I’ve failed all my exams because all professors were bad” would not sound believable to me.

  3. Had to laugh at this . Ex narcs triangulated his new target so much with me that she’s ditched him . He’s been doing it for months with no input from me, all I had to do was sit back & wait .

    *So Sad wanders off with a massive grin on her face … 🙂 ……………..

  4. Holy Hell, I said this before and I’ll say it again.. if I don’t know better I would say you were my ex…right down to every single word and scenario …

  5. This is all too familiar. He even sends an accidentle text, “it has nothing to do with my ex why Im not ready for a relationship with you. I will always love her. ” whatever, I know your game and Im not playing anymore. What concerns me is I guess its known im back on the market. I had 3 just today message me. 2 out of the 3 talked so poorly about their ex. Even said how ” narcassistic they were ” how can I tell the difference? Im finally ready to date again, but Im so afraid ill get it wrong. This sucks from an empaths point of view.

    1. Hello Elizabeth, it can be difficult because once you have gained enlightenment and knowledge you start to see our kind everywhere. You need to look for more than just one indicator in that regard. My book “How to Flush Out a Narcissist” which is currently begin written will be of use and interest to you.

  6. Oh my, I so want to send this to DN’s current PM. These words, lines, this whole situation was hers and mine just a few months ago. I know however that she is not ready to see the truth and understand. I know this bc he put her through hell, left her, told her he loved me, and then went back to her….and she took him back with open arms (I am evil ex again). Hope she opens her eyes but I just recently opened mine after 20 years…she is only 3 years in but for her sake I hope she sees way before me…but I really think he picked her bc she is weaker than I ever was and he knows this…oh well not my problem but I can’t help it!!!!

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