Why Make it so Difficult?

 

You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.

You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.

You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.

How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.

          We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.

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23 thoughts on “Why Make it so Difficult?”

  1. Still after reading EVERYTHING here and living this….I don’t understand the negative fuel. Can’t these people just be happy with all the good fuel.

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    1. Hello Rhonda, no because the effect of the negative fuel is greater for us. That is the way it is. It makes us feel more powerful and works by contrast of course.

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  2. Thank you Mr. Tudor. That was always my question. Why does everything have to be so damn difficult? If its chaos you need for more fuel, then why not engage with a drama-filled woman from the get-go? I always wonder why I was chosen. I need to live a calm peaceful existence. You would be much better off with a woman of ill repute. Imagine the fun you’d have when your stripper IP comes home tweaked out from cocaine at 4am after a hard night’s work. Even better, what about the high-end prostitute IP who relays to you her adventure with a drug lord visiting your city for business. She gives you the skinny on how he loves to be whipped. What about a burglar, a gang banger, a meth addict, schizophrenic? The world is saturated with fun filled women that can give you the nonstop roller coaster ride you constantly need. Why keep knocking on our boring old door?

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    1. But would that tweaked out IP stripper or high-end prostitute IP or cat-burgling IP or gang-banger IP or meth addict IP or schizophrenic IP have the fuel of the empath?
      THAT is the question.

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      1. I’ve watched Pretty Woman many many many times, so my answer is YES. She was a prostitute with a heart of gold in the mean streets of Hollywood. She showed a billionaire how to love, simply by going barefoot and eating hot dogs. That makes me a believer. ❤💜💙

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      2. Oh…. I can answer this one.

        Yes. Unless they also lack empathy due to some personality disorder. There are plenty of empathic addicts and sex workers. A plethora. Their pain is what they are masking by self medicating and living a life of “ill repute”. Usually due to early damage by a disordered asshole in their childhood environment, which makes them more vulnerable to future damage.

        But you do not chase them as primary fuel because they are too unpredictable and more difficult to manipulate and control. And, they taint that perfect image that you want the world to see you as, so you just use them for snacks instead and then leave the wrappers behind in a trash pile for someone else to deal with.

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  3. This is exactly what I have said to myself and to him and to my therapist and anyone that would listen. Word for word. We had a great life, I adore him, but he had to throw it all away and create a hell for our entire family, including a brand new grandchild. And why? It still doesn’t make sense. But he’s hoovering now, as I finally went no contact. He wants polyamory, he wants to explore his options, go on a solo journey, but stay married. NO thank you. Almost anything but that. I had a limit and he can’t accept it. After 25 years of being faithful, you would have thought he knew me. But I guess I didn’t know HIM.

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  4. Final sentence: We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to. F’ing yes!

    “I’ll rise up out of the dark and I’ll rise up unafraid.” – Andra Day

    >

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    1. If we discard you, we are unlikely to be lonely because we will have a new primary source in place or we will rely on secondary sources as we quickly put a primary source in place.
      If you escape us, we will not feel lonely but weakened by the loss of fuel and we will then be focussed on trying to hoover you back, find a new primary source and use our secondary and tertiary sources in the meanwhile.
      I do not dislike being alone if i feel fuelled and I can contact people to obtain fuel.

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  5. I’ve been there and back… When he would wake and unleash the fury it was ALWAYS because of his dreams… which I had to hear how I cheated with someone. HIS dreams, not mine. HIS thoughts, not mine. It was his crutch, it was his insecurity, his jealousy… not mine yet I paid for it.

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  6. “If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism.” No shit. Or as I have been told numerous times “if there is something wrong then it is my fault”. Meaning he “blames” himself. Because I am “not happy”. Oh…. the drama. That is subtly created by him, then he has to “fix it” because that is “what he does, fix things.” Total contradiction. Ain’t nobody got time for that kind of head fuck. Next.

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  7. Correct me if I’m wrong HG, but isn’t your chaos a reflection of your view on life and the world?
    You have given up (very early in the piece, of life) on all these things you have created now, love, happiness, peace and so you are not really experiencing them.
    Your behaviour shows your view on the world in general.
    This is what I concluded after observing my narc family for 25 years anyway. They had decided good things werent’ for them and they simply crossed over to a “safe zone” where they controlled the threat instead of being threatened. It is more than a personality – almost they didn’t have TIME for a personality while surviving.

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  8. I am in tornado of hoovers during my long-term devaluation… I wish You did not have to need that fuel. none of You… I suffer somehow being exploited and You suffer from the need of fuel…. I get angry at the life or world sometimes… I wish it wasn’t the way it is!!!!! I think my breaking point is near…

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  9. How sad to be stuck in such a limited world, in your mind ~

    Reminds me of the description of being ‘on the spectrum’ (aspergers, some level of autism, or whatever the latest DSM calls it).

    Like a ping-pong or arcade ball bouncing back and forth between three or four limited surfaces, & that’s it.

    I watch out for that pattern of thinking, now.

    Couldn’t grasp it as a child w/ matrinarc, & it took this blog to fully ‘get it’ in other adults’ processing patterns.

    Now when I see it, I take a moment, grateful those particular limits aren’t in my own head ~

    Thank you, HG, for the illumination ♡ still a few trust issues, but it’s a MUCH better year this year than it was this time last year Xox

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  10. What frustrates me the most is fact that I can’t hate you, I can’t be mad at you, and I can’t blame you. None of this is your damn fault. You didn’t ask to be brought into the world this way. You didn’t ask to be robbed from all your positive emotions. If I could hate, be mad, and blame you it would be so much easier. How can I hate someone who needs love more than anyone? That is what truely breaks my heart. That is why I am so sad every single day.

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  11. Wow…I have been reading and learning last few months on this site and others..Sociopaths behavior and mindset.Narcissistic persons their thing..so to speak…Quite fasinating…and hair raising at the same time..My lover..man of my dreams…that I didn’t even know I had man of my dreams till Him..of these past 7 years..I have diagnosed him myself..He is a sociopath,covert Narc..who is a Genious..and A mind control freak..and extremely intelligent of the mind ..other persons minds…fantastic lover..every woman should experience a lover as him..at least once..father of the year..hansom…funny..nice body..sexy voice..magic hands..personality…..I never stood a chance…I only found out his NATURE..HIS TRUE SELF..10 months ago….I have been in a state of trauma ever sinse…I have been sleeping with Saten himself…….Only reason my son hasnt kicked his ass..royally..is becuzz he said..”ma think bout this..first..and let me know”……I decided violence wasn’t the cure or answer for this Dead person walking around on this planet..literally being a human Preditor..seeking out vulnerable or mentally ill women…eating them..spitting their remains out..leaving shreds of insanity…broken..twisted weak heart..barely beating to the rhythm of life…….Inquiring minds such as mine..want to know is…IF YOU SOCIONARCS..CAN FEEL THE EMOTIONS AND DISH THE EMOTIONS OUT..RAGE..ANGER..SEETHING JEALOUSLY..BITTERNESS..HATE…AND THE LIKES..NEGATIVE EMOTIONS…WHY CAN’t you feel the opposite emotions..It takes more energy to show and feel the neg..emotions..then the positive ones..so if you people can still feel…then you can feel the good and bad..that only makes sense..you dont have a mechanical brain and heart..your not a f….king machine..right..for some reason I keep seeing the scarecrow the lion tim man Dorthy..walking down the yellow brick road..singing if I only had a heart..and so on..lol…One last comment..There is a book written in 1970..by a psychiatrist ..damm can’t remember his name. But its called..Primal Scream…this man talks bout a therapy he invents..called none other then Primal Scream therapy..he says..in a nutshall..basically..if you can go back to the memory..when you were a child..infant..which ever..and relive and feel that pain or needs not being met..that screwed you up in the first l place..then you become well..its more involved..but not too much really..he said his patients would scream..cry ..and do these things..remembering that..so so on..its a interesting book..controversial book..but he stated many of his patients were cured..makes sense..Becuz if these socionarc were born normal healthy..but becuz of neglet..or whatever that made them split off to a false self..to narcissists self..etc..he states many patients were healthy in mind again….I just felt the need to share this…for whatever reason…

    Sincerely..Sj

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    1. This may seem an excuse but my socionarc mother would connect to a splinter of the trauma and it would render her useless and make her turn into someone else. Or, she might cry for a little while and return to her abusive state. They are lost children in a forest with no memory of their true self.
      I don’t believe they can decide to do it.
      I don’t believe they could go backwards, even if they wanted to with all their might.
      I struggle with loneliness, urges to kill her, and to cope with her smirk and elaborate sabotage of every aspect of my personality, body, career, relationships, friends and life. But I do encourage you to accept their brain has rewired permanently to be an actor and nothing more. I do not believe that anyone can change that wiring later.

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