To Have Not To Hold


You can have our kind but you cannot hold on to us. We will not permit it. We are the archetypal individuals who you can experience, you can love, enjoy, cherish and so many other things but the one thing you may not do is hold on to us.

We allow you to have us because what we give you is constructed and comes at no great cost to us. Instead it allows us to gain. By being generous with our supposed love, passionate with our words, highly desirable with our sexual prowess, charming, flattering and everything else which you associate with out love bombing of you, we want you to have it all. We want you to have all of our charm, our magnetism, our illusion. We want you to drown in it, become engulfed by the blazoning lights and soothing sounds, swamped by the seductive desire that we sweep across you like a tsunami. You can have it all because the more we give you, the more likely you will be carried away by this tidal wave of false love. The more sugar we pour over you, the sweeter the golden period and the greater your addiction to us becomes. Naturally,the extent of how much you can have of us is governed by our energy levels and our capacity for control, so that the experience is all the more fuller should you be ensnared by a Mid Ranger than a Lesser and many times more intense should you fall prey to a Greater.

You can have all of our time because it serves our purposes. All of our focus is yours, you get our near undivided attention as we pull out all the stops to seduce and conquer. You can have our financial resources as we spend money on you (even when we may not have the money to spend on you – incurring debt or using someone else’s resources) , take you to places, book interesting days out, tempting nights out and utilise financial muscle, whether ours or borrowed from  bank or devalued victim, in order to let you have the full on magical experience that is being seduced by us.

We will grant you access to our friends, which of course is just allowing the façade to wrap around you and convince you of our bona fides, our supportive and attractive coterie all so giving of their time to you, praising us and welcoming you.

We will allow you to have a route to all of our favourite things, although of course this is manufactured in order to actually allow you to attach to your favourite things as we mirror your likes, your desires and your hopes back at you, but it is still giving of us.

The Somatic and Elite cadres will allow you to have us physically as the weapon of mass seduction that is sex, is rolled our to delight you. You are apparently given access to our most intimate of levels, in a series of steamy and orgasmic encounters as we utilise our well-practised sexual skills in conjunction with the whole orchestrated seduction of you to create an intense and mesmerising experience.

We may move you in, a supposedly generous act as we allow you to have closeness and regular time with us, all engineered of course to maintain our façade of pleasantry and reliability as you are bound closer to us. In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.

Yes, by allowing you to have so much of us, we create the image of someone who gives, someone who sacrifices, who thinks of you before we think of ourselves and thus yo, understandably, fall for this and truly believe you have us. You do have us but it is for, in the scheme of things, a fleeting instance. A mere moment in vastness of time and for all of its wonder and brilliance, you are allowed to have us but you cannot hold us.

We cannot allow this to happen because we will turn matters around, in order to ensure that our hunger for fuel is addressed, in order to cater for our slavish devotion to the maintenance of superiority and in order to assert our right to do as we please, when we please, how we please and with whom we please.

You cannot hold us. You cannot keep us. We regard ourselves as that omnipotent force that is not beholden to boundaries, constraints and bondage. You have no say over what we do. You are not there to impose your rules on us, keep us in check or prevent us from seeking out what we need in order to maintain our existence. Indeed, the prevention of you keeping us is material in ensuring that the threat of our departure is something that keeps you working hard to please us,to provide that fuel, be it positive or negative and to allow us to keep you just where we want you. We can keep a hold of you of course, that is the nature of the narcissistic covenant, but as usual, what applies to you will not apply to you and vice versa.

We make the decisions. We choose. We execute and operate. We are not there to be bound to one person and especially one which will invariably fail us. We consider ourselves as beyond such things and therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc.

We want you to try to hold on to us, that is part of our game playing. We want you to strive to keep us, to exert your every waking moment to clinging on to us but it can never happen. We are programmed to reject that desire to keep us as you want us to be. There is no hope for it to happen, but we will give you that false hope, through the respite periods and the periodic resumption of the golden period. You are led to believe that you have managed to keep us, that you can continue to have us and to hold us, but it will not last and it cannot last because the concept of being beholden to you and just you will ultimately run contrary to our needs and as you are well-acquainted with the idea now, our needs must always come first.

We decide when we come back, we decide when the false love is shown to you again, we decide when you get to see us, get to speak to us and receive our attention, seduction, fury or disdain. We must behave this way to shore up our idea of being the one who calls the shots, who makes the decisions and pulls the strings because we dare not contemplate for too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters.

We will always let you have us, but you will never be allowed to hold us.

17 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold

  1. It does make the relationship so much more fun and challenging… I suppose this is why mine have been long term… I like the challenge, I welcome it. Now if I can find one that I’d be happy to tango with for the rest of my life…

  2. Wade2Deep says:

    I’ve fallen prey to narcissists all my life and have known the effects of CPTSD since youth. A year and a half ago I was discarded by a ‘greater’ covert psychopath narc, the shock of which has gifted me with enlightenment. Before her I was on a crusade in the stock market, the path I had taken to get over a ‘lesser’ overt narc I was discarded by. The knowledge of a coming crash gave me fuel, knowing my narc’s fantasy would be shattered by such an event in turn destroying her. Now many years later I can add a new narc to the list I will love to think about losing her pension and her fairy tale life. She gave me the wisdom to see that the whole world operates on this narcissist dynamic and perhaps all of them have given me the foresight to know that my apocalypse is here now. The new king narc is about to steal all the ‘lower’ narcs thunder as they become just another number in the regime. I am well experienced through my lifelong martyrdom to live a fulfilled ascetic life and all the while I’ll giggle knowing the narcs will never cope with the new reality their lives will have no option but face. All fairy tales inherently end as my narc put it while refusing to read the book I had bought her about the pension crisis, written by the guy who ran her pension fund. This world is no place for children and now the narcs will finally understand that as well as their victims, which I no longer am, lol.

  3. entertainment says:

    I remember telling him, I can’t have the unattainable. His response “I am unattainable ” yes..:”so you have already conceded”? Far beyond my reach, of course I concede.

  4. Sarah says:

    To have is the kiss and to not hold the diss – bittersweet – but wonderful writing as always! I could see this post as being utterly devestational to someone who was in a Narcissist relationship that did not know what was happening and then reads this…but you cannot fault the truth and with such empowerment that HG gives empaths can perhaps prevent such emotional heartbreak – afterall, without truth there could not be hope but it does not erase the imprint left on one’s heart or eradicate the feeling of sweet sorrow in parting realization eventually to manifest…

  5. MLA - Clarece says:

    You’re like a wild stallion not to be contained. It’s correct in saying one, at best, can cherish the time given with you during that passage of time allotted. Forever is never really on the table in the traditional sense. It’s truly living in the moment with someone like you.

  6. Sail Away says:

    I normally wouldn’t leave a comment on this topic but since you mentioned sex. It was something I was sorely lacking in my marriage. P was an incredible lover and made up for it ten fold. I mean incredible–better than p***.

    Twice, toward the end, instead of dinner and an exhilerating night at a hotel like normal, he said he had to go “work.” (I found out later his job didn’t exist.) Was he witholding sex from me intentionally? Why? (Devalue/discard came within months after.)

    I did not lash out either time but was deeply hurt and told him so gently with just one text. It was so unlike him–he seemed like he had such a high libido and enjoyed our intimacy as well.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes he was in order to exert control, assert power, emphasise superiority and also to draw fuel. His high libido is common with our kind, especially Somatic and Elite cadres and his enjoyment of intimacy was a façade. Do read the book Sex and the Narcissist for more about all of this, there is plenty there to read and assist your understanding SA.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    For some reason the song ‘”Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me” comes to mind.

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      Certain sports also bring this song to mind…hockey…football.

    2. 1J1,
      I hope you mean the U2 version and just left off “Kill Me”….because you’ve learned they don’t want us dead, just nearly dead and then resuscitated. Ever so gracious of them.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        ABB I meant the version sang by Karen Chandler. They play the Mel Carter version at “The Joe” when an opposing player gets a holding penalty. I totally forgot the U2 song.

        Hold me, hold me
        Never let me go
        Until you’ve told me told me
        What I want to know…etc
        Make me tell you I’m in love witb you…

        The lyrics are somewhat creepy.

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        Then I’ve revised the ending for an HG version bc he inspired it. It ends

        And then you’ll scold me scold me
        Tell me not a word of it was true (fade out)

  8. Viktoria says:

    Covjek je mocan kad vlada nad drugima, a jos mocniji kad vlada nad sobom.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed Viktoria.

  9. Forgotten says:

    shame… if someone would offer You a deal to have You in exchange for infinity glorious fuel would You accept it dear G.? just hypothetically speaking. ..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is what I continue to strive for.

  10. Smoke says:

    As I always told him you were never mine:(

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