Stuck

stuck

How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explain how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us; some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again. I know that you will stay. Again.

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13 thoughts on “Stuck”

  1. That scenario would never happen in a million years in my case. He could never even for show admit he had a problem and he needed to change. He was perfect and good and right. I was always the 1 at fault and bad. He made sure of it by provoking me to get the right response. He would rabbit trail…..spin things…no way would it ever play out like this. This would be too easy.

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  2. Is it possible for a narcissist to truly love somebody. I was married to one for 22 years. I do think that he truly loved his mom. He was totally different with her than anyone else in his life. He talked about her and to her all the time until she died. After she died, he was even afraid to go into hospitals for a bit. The rest of us didn’t really matter. Even his little girl (we have 4 boys and 1 girl) couldn’t seem to pull at his heart strings. When my oldest was born with a cleft lip, his main focus was to keep the pacifier in so that you couldn’t see the cleft lip. He had no reaction to my daughter being abused by her boyfriend, except to say that she was pretty stupid for being with a guy like that. I couldn’t believe it. I was the mom, but I was always the protector. Not her dad. I was ready to kill the bastard. But let me tell you….you did not dare say anything bad about his mom. It was really weird.

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    1. No. We love the fuel and create the appearance of loving someone for the purposes of our façade. He used his mum and his apparent love of her as triangulation so he could lash out at others to draw fuel, if something bad was said about her Becky.

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  3. HG & fellow readers,
    I have been through this so many times. Sad to say. My goal each time: Leave peacefully and for good. I go in with no emotion. He definitely doesn’t like that..I try to be easy going and say “We want different things. That doesn’t make a villain out of either one of us. I am backing out.” He gets angry and his eyes tear. As I gathered my things he most recently added “We are not dating. No that is not right. We are not married, We are d – a – t – i – n – g! (Emphasized each letter slowly) Listen to me! You are not listening to me! Listen!” Yes, he had quit a bit of alcohol at that point. Unfortunately, he drinks alot almost daily. After that, once things calm at the end of the night,his goodbye is “See ya”. No words for that goodbye other than callous. It seems he has no heart. HG I would appreciate your insight. Fellow Empaths: Best wishes on your escape. I hope to escape prior to full discard.

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    1. You are tipping him off and this is causing the reaction you describe. See the articles How No Contact Feels – Parts One to Three. Since you intend to depart you must do so without telling him otherwise he will deploy a Preventative Hoover to try to stop you from escaping him.

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  4. I recently said to my Narc “I’d be better off if I do something illegal and end up in real prison! “…. jokes aside though. ..
    There is a breaking point in every one of us…. I’m at the zenith now…. Printing and filling my divorce papers because Narc said He was going to kill me if I left without prior giving him divorce 😂… Like I would want to run away but stay fu😈😈ing married?! Anyways he won’t kbow my day of the departure…. It will be the day and moment he least would suspect…

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  5. “I have had it with you today”
    I was exhausted, frustrated, and beyoind yelling. You are right, I couldn’t scream at her and again I tried reasoning.

    I remember saying that like it was yesterday. It takes a lot to get me to that point and now I know she must have been so happy to get me to that point. You must feel a surge of power run through you when we say this. It is way out of my character to get to this point.
    And of course, my tears flowed and then she was “sorry”

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  6. Hi HG, I submitted a comment/inquiry on this blog a little while back, but never saw it post. A bit concerned it did not go through?
    Truly enjoyed the 2nd interview with Christine from Out of the Box Radio! Thanks!

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    1. Hi Blue1, I am pleased you enjoyed the interview, thank you for listening. I have your comment, it is in moderation and will appear in due course. I like to read everything therefore there is often a delay with longer posts and/or where questions are posed.

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  7. Thank you for the insight! I have now read the articles but need to study them further. Knowledge is power. Need to build for the escape and recognition of future Narc signs. Regardless of the reason, you make a difference HG! Much appreciated!

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