Secrets

secrets1

 

Do you remember when you were at school and your friends all appeared to know something that you did not? They gave each other knowing looks, made sideways references to “this thing” and smiled and giggled. Unsettling wasn’t it? You asked them to tell you, you pleaded and you may even have become upset or angry, threatening your friends with some repercussion if they did not tell you what it was that they knew. Usually it was nothing. Just a device devised to play a game with you, to provoke a reaction, to cause you to react and it worked. Then you were in on the secret and you could join in and play it against the next unsuspecting individual. Nevertheless, you did not like that sensation of not knowing did you? Few people do. How many times when someone has gone missing, have anguished people declared,

“It’s the not knowing which really gets to you.”

The apprehension you experience when you wait to receive your examination results. You know you studied hard during the year, carried out the revision in the right way and you felt the examination went well, but you can never be sure can you, it is the lack of knowing which gnaws away at you until you receive the result.

Waiting for some test results concerning your health causes anxiety and concern. Even if it is bad news, once you have those results you can then take action, make plans and formulate a way forward but whilst you do not know, you are stuck, paralysed and frozen. It is an unpleasant sensation at best and an utterly debilitating one at worst.

You do not like secrets. We thrive on them.

So much of what we are is a secret. We are like a series of chests, compartments and vaults in which various secrets have been placed. Some have been placed there with the intention of never being revealed, either to you or even to ourselves. Others are those secrets about what we really are or what we actually do and we close the lid, slam the door shut and turn the key in the hope that you do not find them out and expose us for what we truly are. We do not want you to find out that the honey-coated façade is just that as you open a dark box and find the full horror of our true behaviour lurking inside. The past behaviours and historic actions are consigned into the depths of archive storage to prevent you from knowing what we really did to our ex-partner, what was said to our brother that has meant we have not spoken in ten years or the catalogue of infidelities that we engaged in. If you were ever allowed admission to those dark corridors you would pass the vaults, chests and caskets into which the secrets of our kind have been placed. Wife-beater, alcoholic, smack head, fraudster, closet homosexual, expenses fiddler, serial cheater, elder abuser, fence, conman, contemptor of court, distant parent, liar, convict, tax fraud, cross-dresser, sexual degenerate and so much more besides. Many secrets, some which you may eventually look upon, so many you may never know about. So many secrets hidden away, pushed into the recesses, concealed and secreted so that prying eyes do not learn the truth of what we say and do.

Yet, our secrecy goes further than that. We delight in letting you know that we have some kind of secret in order to exert control over you. We revel in giving you a glimpse of something but then pulling it from view. We engage in half-comments, low whispers and veiled comments in order to pique your interest but then we relish withholding the full tale. We take pleasure in these insignificant mysteries that cause you to question and probe. After all, we do know how you behaved when you were so much younger and how the sensation of not being able to know troubles you. It troubles you and your kind more than others. Like the older boy at school, we have snatched your lunch money and now hold it above your head, almost in reach as you hop and jump, frustration increasing as you attempt to recover it. You want to get hold of what it is that we know so you can satisfy your own need to know. We recognise this and therefore engage in the playing of games where we suggest, hint, partially reveal and allude to so that your interest is gained. We tease as we make oblique references to something in the expectation that you will bite. We will sit staring into space, cultivating the appearance of depth and intrigue as you observe us and wonder what we are thinking about. You will of course ask and we will give you some cryptic response which as you pondering and probing further. Whatever we told you is nothing to do with what we were actually thinking about. We may have been admiring the view from the window, we might have been wondering how the match would turn out and most likely we were considering which of the growing stable of prospects to message next. Instead we will trot out some comment or line which gives the appearance of us being pre-occupied with some weighty matter, something possibly beyond the wit of you, something which makes us appear mysterious and heavyweight. The intrigue adds to the allure but it also plays to your desire to need. The keeping back of information, the withholding of knowledge, the cloak and dagger routine is all part of the act. The true secrets will never be revealed to you. The secret we allude to is non-existent. It is just a device to control you. It is a means of keeping you bound to us, asking, wondering and probing. The half-answers and titbits are there to confuse, bewilder and cause your anxiety. The mysterious murmurs, the ponderous gaze and the comments to ourselves which you can only partially hear are mere ruses. They are to give us the appearance of depth when it is lacking. The creation of so many apparent secrets is to keep you away from the real secrets by leading you in a different direction and to make us appear deep and of substance. We look to snatch your consideration and scrutiny and make it belong to us instead.

The playing of secrecy continues after the cessation of our formal relationship. Always when you have been discarded and often even when you escape, how many times are your night bedfellows not some other person but the ghosting questions of how, what, why, when and where? You are given no answers as to what has happened and this is when the secrecy takes on the greatest significance as we have entered you into the maze where you try to find a way through it in order to understand how we could have done what we did, what on earth happened to you, why did we do those things, when will we come back and where did it all go wrong? We condition you throughout your dance with us to be intrigued by us, to wonder, to speculate, to pontificate and so forth so that it builds and builds until when we cast you to one side you can do nothing but keep wanting to learn our secrets, to open those doors, to slide back the bolts and open the portals, to raise the lids and lift the covers. This keeps you coming back to us, it keeps you hanging on in the hope that one day there will be a momentous reveal and it will all make sense. You wait in the expectation that all the secrets of this person that you still love will be revealed to you. But it never happens. Not by him or her. The unmasking comes from another place.

It is now no secret that you have the key to the narcissistic universe in your hands now.

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28 thoughts on “Secrets”

  1. HG,
    To correct cognitive distortion you have to practice thinking in gray. Not thinking you should or shouldn’t , blame, etc. I think writing about your thought process is helpful to others. But how is it correcting your behavior? Do you suppose what you write is trying to make others distort their view more to your way of thinking? I thought the task of the good doctors was to help you develop a sense of empathy that was inhibited because of parental failure, defense mechanisms etc…Are you becoming more aware of how you need to balance your scales as regards empathy? I sometimes get the feeling that this whole thing is a ruse. You write with authority about empathetic people, so you understand their thought processes, however you also say you dont want to change. Its no secret. So what are your thoughts? Do you think you are changing? Or is this forum helping build a better narcissist? Or maybe its about money? Or could it be all of the above. Im not trying to ignite your fury. These are legitimate questions.

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    1. I understand about the need to think in grey, but I have not been developed to do so and the black and white thinking is all that I know and I know that it works. The purpose of writing is not to distort people to my way of thinking, but it is to explain to people how my kind and me think so they understand it (they do not have to like it or adopt it, but they must understand it) and in so doing they will place themselves in a better position form which to move forward. Yes I understand the thought processes of empathic people – I have dealt with so many and analyse their thinking and behaving – but I see no applicability in the way that they think to me. Am I changing? Yes, I am far more aware of what I am and what empathic people are than before. This can indeed be used to hone my skill set but the intention of the good doctors is also to harness this awareness in order to alter my behaviours too. Just like empathic people, I need to understand before I can move forward.

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  2. I do not hate you, I pity you; not in the way that you want. I don’t pity you because I think you had such a bad life. Nor do I pity you because of your abusive father, idiot mother, or the heartache you said you’ve gone through. I pity you because you are a soulless creature whose only joy is causing confusion and pain. How tiresome it must be to balance different women and different lies. How lonely it must be to have nothing but your coldness and enjoyment of suffering to keep you warm at night. You are not a human. You will never experience real love, joy, heartache, longing, or grief. You will not be bettered by the lives you touch and you won’t enrich the lives of others. You will not gaze at the stars to ponder the vastness of the universe and wonder “why”, you will look up and only see yourself. 

    You did not outsmart me. You did not best me or outwit me. I knew every step of the way what you were, what you were capable of, and what you were doing. What blinded me wasn’t ignorance, stupidity, or naivety; it was hope. You relied on hope, an emotion that you will never fully understand, to make you powerful. But, it doesn’t really make you powerful does it? You don’t know how to feel it. You don’t know what it is. You don’t know why it exists or what it’s good for. It doesn’t make you smart, witty, or insightful to play with someone’s hope. It makes you a little boy with a loaded gun. 

    You will never get to experience life the way I do. You will be forever stuck in an existence where the point of life is sheer pettiness and games. That makes you insignificant. It makes you obsolete. It makes you boring. You are a shallow pool and I am a deep ocean.

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    1. Hello Stina, thank you for your comment which I read with interest. I am not clear whether you are directing your comment at me personally, me as part of the narcissistic collective or at your personal narcissist, but I shall respond to it where I believe you are addressing me as an individual and much of what I write is also pertinent on behalf of my kind, although not all given the differences in calibre which exist amongst my kind.
      I do not experience joy, only power and that power does not solely come from the imposition of confusion and pain, but it is also derived from the creation of love, admiration, adoration and praise. I achieve much in what I do and the responses of those around me to those achievements are positive and as a consequence they power me. I am no lonely far from it. Oh I know it makes you feel better to think that I am lonely, but I am not. I am magnetic, charismatic and engaging and have little difficulty in attracting people to me from all walks of life. Loneliness is not a problem. I am not solely possessed of coldness and an enjoyment of suffering, I bring much more to the party.
      I experience real love, joy, heartache, longing and grief as I cause them in others. I have no need to experience those emotions because they will hinder me. If you regard them as emotions to aspire to, that is your entitlement and fair enough, but I do not. They serve no purpose for me.
      I do enrich the lives of others, those who are my secondary sources bask in the light of a extended golden period. Even those primary sources who have been discarded still regard with me affection for “the good times” although I will readily concede, for the maintenance of honesty here, that there are others who despise me. I am bettered by the lives I touch because I learn from others and use what I learn to improve and become more effective. As for the stars, yes I see myself as shining as brightly as they do, which poses no problem for me. The universe is indeed a vast place and I must place myself at the centre of it.
      I suspect you are talking to someone else in your penultimate paragraph and therefore all I will state is that you are correct that I rely on hope as part of the means of manipulation, I have admitted this on many occasions.
      No, I will not experience life the way you do and there are many reasons which I might list as to why I regard that as a good thing. I have written about those differences between your kind and my kind many times before. I am no insignificant. I am not obsolete. I am highly effective. I am far from boring. I may well be shallow but I can mirror your apparently deep ocean and appear just as deep and thus my needs continue to be served.
      Thank you for your comment I appreciated your perspective and the opportunity to advance mine in response.

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      1. HG Tudor, I would never came to your “house” to offend you:
        No, it’s not directly to you, rather a explosion of feelings to my personal narcissist. I sure, now, understand your kind and i sure Thank you for the knowledge that your writing have brought to my life!
        I have what i consider to be one of the greatest gifts that humans can possess; the capacity to love, unconditionally.
        Your kind can hurt us, make our lives a living hell, but it will be only for a period of time. We will stand up, live, and love again…
        Your kind will go on like a Don Quixote, looking, forever and forever….
        You’re not from here
        Not from this here and now

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      2. Hello Stina, thank you for your clarification and also your respectful approach. I understand how your thoughts and feelings apply to the narcissist that you have been entangled with. I think there is force in your comment about looking forever and forever although I do know my windmills from my dragons.

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      3. You know what struck me HG as I read this? Some people spend their whole loves looking for that one true love. Or, they did at least have one “soul” mate to experience that kind of intimacy with.
        You have had quite a number of intimate partners, including a wife at one time. You have continually learned their secrets, their fears, their joys, and the true essence of their individual spirit. Is winning their love the glass ceiling on the positive fuel, thus it must turn negative? The motions of always going through those levels must become so monotonous that you don’t realize how there are many people who would love to be on the receiving end of what you have achieved tenfold. Has anyone withheld falling in love with you out of fear of what could happen? Does that increase the challenge for you?

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      4. To never fall in love with you would be the goal. Or at least one should never let on if they did.

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  3. it could not be a secret if so easily relinquished?

    curiosity about what should make one tick is rarely a satisfying discovery anyway. however, i imagine that it is often strongly desired and continuously sought after?

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  4. You are the ultimate key HG.
    You have been able to show me how and why all of her behaviors happened as they did. I would be still be going crazy if it weren’t for your knowledge and answers. Your books are excellent and what led me here but it’s this blog that proved that I wasn’t crazy and it is what is healing me.
    She was excellent at giving me a glimpse of something and then nothing. I can still see those gazes. That game just encouraged me to question her and it kept me going because she provided me with nothing.
    ” why can’t you tell me”
    ” you can tell me anything”
    “I will understand”
    “Tell me what it is”
    “What’s wrong”
    It would last the whole day.
    Everytime I read one of these articles reminding me of the mind games that she played it validates why my mind is where it is today. I wish others could see why too.
    Some days are just too much.

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  5. It took an energy healer/medium to let me know that “my mother isn’t my best friend” before the scales came off my eyes and I realized the lie that my relationship with her has been and subsequently the lie I have been living. So much is coming to light and finally making sense. OMG this is painful. No wonder I chose narcissistic men to be in relationship with. HG I cannot thank you enough for your writings.

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      1. HG,
        I haven’t been reading your posts for long and have been devouring these readings (and the posted comments) as my schedule permits. Some of the comments indicate a Matrinarc in your upbringing — something which I also had/have. She has “denied me” my very life, my passion. The medium/intuitive said that I “allowed” this to happen to me and I made a decision about this around age 4. I don’t remember that decision, just that my relationship with her still feels like I am responsible for her emotions or there is hell to pay. Did you make a decision at some point while growing up about your course of action to be invincible and powerful at all costs outside yourself? If you did, would you want to know about that information if a psychic/medium could read that for you? It seems like it was learned behavior for both of us? In my case, what I chose left me feeling less powerful and only valuable if Matrinarc agreed with what I did. From what I have read the validation “FUEL” you receive is based on what is coming from the outside and you need it. I have also needed validation from the outside (preferring only positive emotion) with Matrinarc, Dad (haven’t decided if he is Patrinarc), and all other relationships. Interesting similarities don’t you think? Did I make the my decision because we are wired up differently — empath vs. narcissist? Was there a choice? Does it matter anyway? Or am I some kind of narcissist/empath hybrid? LOL

        Her abusiveness has continued to happen to me for decades, leaving me wondering why I haven’t been able to move ahead life in happier and productive ways. I have married, had children, left both marriages on my own, and until I read your entries, my life hasn’t made sense until NOW. I have sometimes felt like I have cotton between the ears, ADHD, etc. despite earning an advanced degree. Intelligence and other knowingness continued to blossom, just not self love, self respect, and a feeling of worthiness. These important resources cannot grow within the context of an abusive relationship. This has baffled me for a very long time — until now…..

        I have been working on worthiness and self loving for about the last year. It takes time to develop this when you haven’t been nurtured with it in the first place. And it hurts. It feels like I have wasted my whole life in a lot of ways. I am forgiving myself for that every day. I didn’t have that awareness since I didn’t know the answer was within. Does looking within scare or concern you?

        The sharing you are doing is helping me spot painful narcs faster. The most recent encounter with a narc took me about one day, and that’s very fast for me. A friend suggested that I learn 3 quick questions to ask and then I can find them in one short conversation. What would those questions be?

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      2. Hello HollDoll, thank you for your post. Yes, you are completely correct, I did are a decision that I would be invicibile. I saw the power that was being wielded and I wanted that power, how I craved it, how I wanted to savour it and wield it, bend others to my will just as I had seen and I knew that in so doing I would never suffer anymore. I agree it is learned behaviour. I had a superb tutor but I have outgrown her and I am far more formidable than she is now. I do not need her say so. Not any more.

        I would not be interested in what a psychic/medium had to say as I do not believe in them.

        My kind and your kind require validation from external sources and to put it simply, mine is from taking and yours is from giving.

        Yes looking within is not something I want to do with any regularity although the good doctors keep pushing me in that direction.

        I am pleased you are managing to spot our kind with greater speed. In terms of the question you should read the two Exposed articles, as this will give you exactly the answers which you seek.

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  6. Your writing is captivating. Ephiphany after epiphany. I’m so very thankful I stumbled upon your work as early into the game as I have. I could’ve participated in this dance with the N for the rest of my life. You’ve helped me tremendously. Hell, in all reality you probably saved my life. All I really ever wanted was such clarity, and you’ve given it. I couldn’t be more appreciative.

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  7. Been very busy this past couple weeks… funny that this article is the one that pops up in my email..I just exposed most of the secrets that were kept.. he was absolutely shocked and furious , I don’t think I ever in 23 years seen him act like that..he was pacing back and forth, eyes roaming around the room, laughing and kept walking out of the room.. I did my homework very well, if fact I’d say I received an “A”. I had pictures, documents that were undeniable … (I had to speak with him concerning a very serious matter with our daughter, wasn’t avoidable) he actually had the verve to suggest to his mom and sister right then and there that I was trying to get him back ….( this was solely about our daughter.) I very swiftly said “I want nothing to do with you what so ever.. that I was very happy with someone else now.. and that why would I want someone who is a cheater, 54 year old drunk, drug addict, dosent work, mooches of mama, robbed our home,stole several thousand dollars from a martial account and dosent speak to his children….??? I then presented the proof I had …. he started literally stomping his foot telling me to get out of HIS house!!! .. ( It’s his mothers house) .. I believe I know what you mean now when you say “fuel”. It was a very intense rush of something ….he picked up the phone to call the police, and threatened to have me arrested..again. I believe I saw the narc come unglued..he absolutely looked ridiculous and small like a child to me..someone I loved so very much for so very long, finally means absolutely NOTHING TO ME. I will go as far to say the only thing I felt was disgust…I know there will be backlash, however, I’m ready!! Hit me with your best shot…

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  8. Secrets are a form of trust. Revealing secrets is breaking that trust. People who reveal secrets or use them against the ones whom revealed need their tongues ripped out.

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    1. Let me make myself clear, they were secrets about his cheating , lies and stealing, and also about the smear campaign he forged against me.. I have several secrets that I would never reveal…I only wish to set my name straight and have no desire to tell them secrets because as you said some things are meant to remain secrets…

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  9. I discovered a secret of yours HG. You wrote the script for Nocturnal Animals 😊 Nice of you to allow one of my favorite designers (Tom Ford) take the credit for your work.😉

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