Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However, as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me. I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence. I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being; I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”


“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”


“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”


“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”


“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”


I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.

161 thoughts on “Impregnable

  1. NarcAngel says:

    I can see holding hands as too intimate ( indeed Its easier for me to have sex with someone than hold hands), but does that bring on fear of engulfment for you HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The holding of hands brings up horror from my past NA.

      1. The Punisher says:

        I feel the truest compassion for you I have ever felt, H.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am obliged.

      2. Elena says:

        This is an interesting post. For one it seems like you have top notch analysts. It always sucks to be smarter than one’s own therapists. I had one confess after years of seeing her that she was intimidated by my intelligence. Wtf?! Talk about transference.

        It wasn’t until I landed in the couch across from an intellectual equal that I started seeing returns on my work – leaps in the quality of my life and the almost complete disappearance of that nagging critic that followed me everywhere. That bitch was brutal and exacting.

        Here’s the kicker for y’all. After the complete demise of the false ego (feels like death but doesn’t actually kill you) and the demotion of the unchecked super ego, life gets incredibly rich. No more incessant, exhausting striving to be someone you thought you should be to be accepted, safe.

        It’s like being let out of the cruelest jail and you get to meet the real you. In my case, I found an incredibly creative, sensitive, and passionate fledgling in there that I now nurture daily. Tears and laughter and joy pour out of me freely. To feel alive after so many decades feels miraculous.

        Highly recommend it. Ripping the bandaid off, more like cemented duck tape in this case, hurts like a bitch but well worth it.

        I read somewhere that the most dangerous statements one can make start with “I am”. Doing so locks one into a stagnant sense of self and denies any growth. So, “I am a narcissist” causes you to filter how you feel, react, think etc through that lens.

        Organic entities don’t function this way. We go through phases none of which are more “us” than the others.

        Defining yourself via your primary coping mechanism is therefore a faulty, limiting conclusion. What your doctor is pointing at is that we are not our thoughts and knee jerk defensive reactions. Those fluctuate depending on our internal and external environments.

        You have yet to meet you. Therefore you can’t answer who you are without referencing the external. I remember this state of nonbeing. It sucks.

        Radical self-acceptance isn’t for the weak. For those brave enough to venture past the death of the false ego, the peace and freedom is awesome.

        It all starts with accepting that nothing is permanent in this life. Nothing. Not even the abuse and neglect. Not being able to accept this is the root of most human suffering.

    2. The Punisher says:

      I agree, NA. Sex is easier than any type of intimacy. The only thing I long for is someone to put their arms around me because no one ever did.

  2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

    Love, even i was thinking the same. HG can we provide you with more fuel here somehow? What if we email you a pic of ourselves so that you have a smiling face to associate our comments with? (Of course, I do not want to post a pic here in case my narc’s other girlfriends are here too.) Would that increase the amount of fuel you receive when reading our comments? If so, my pic is on the way! Email address please?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you wish to do that be my guest

      1. The Punisher says:

        I want to see a picture of you, HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You already have TP.

          1. The Punisher says:

            Of course I have. I meant I want you to send me a picture of you.

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. The Punisher says:

            Why not?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Because I have to protect my identity.

          5. The Punisher says:

            You should try harder. I see your secrets, H. They’re safe. Don’t worry.

      2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

        Pics on the way! You do so much for us here, we can at least try to increase your fuel level somewhat by having a pic associated with us. Let me know if this works😊

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you PTSD, most kind.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Does sending pics outside of the blog contravene the 5 rules in place here and enter into the “all bets are off” territory. How would the good Drs feel about it?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Do you mean if I sent them or if you sent them NA?

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Me/us. Participants here on the blog. I understand completely your need for anonimity so did not expect that you would reciprocate.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            The presentation to me of a picture of you will not result in the removal of the five rules.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Haha. Assuming it increaaes the fuel level and doesn’t send it plummeting. Not you specifically PTSD. What percentage of the initial attraction is looks vs that flashing beacon of empathic traits that promises fuel would you say HG?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            It depends on the cadre of narcissist NA. A Somatic and an Elite want the looks and the empathic traits, the other cadres are less concerned by the looks and more about the empathic traits (and their relevant class traits).

      3. Love says:

        Really Punisher, you’ve seen Mr. Tudor?
        Is he as dreamy as I imagine?
        You go girl! Way ahead of me. I work slow.

      4. Pretty says:

        What is the point in requesting pictures of HG? How does this help you? HG is giving us tools to escape his kind, not to romanticize/idealize. I would supply clean pictures to thank him (through fuel) for how he has helped me, but I care less what he looks like (my apologies, HG) – I will not consciously enter into an infatuation with another narcissist ever again. To each their own, I guess.. perhaps HG finds this entertaining. Perhaps I’m not far enough removed from my own situation to find it entertaining yet, myself.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Pretty. Many of us just like to put a face to the writing much as you would with a pen pal or wonder what a radio personality looks like. We are all not removing our panties in anticipation.

          1. HG Tudor says:


          2. MeMe says:

            I just choked on my tea

      5. Love says:

        I misunderstood. I thought Mr. Tudor stated Punisher had already seen a pic of him. Anyhoo Mr. Tudor, do you require a backdrop in this picture to better display empathic traits? Such as being in the forest, communing with nature, petting bambi, having an innocent star glazed look?
        Do pigtails, dresses and knee high socks also help this image?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, allow your fevered imagination to create whichever backdrop you prefer, I shall find the empathy in it always.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            So amusing when readers want to turn this into an online dating site.

          2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

            With all due respect, we are not trying to turn this into an online dating site. Some people already have their pictures here, such as clarece and cara. Others wish to remain anonymous for various reasons. I wish to remain anonymous due to the possibility of my narc’s ex-girlfriends being here.
            Since HG devotes so much time to the blog, writing articles and answering questions, it would be nice if he gets more than just a small amount of fuel here. I doubt he gains much monetarily either, since his books are rather inexpensive. If HG can have a face associated with the commenter, his fuel levels may and probably do increase. Needless to say, the pictures would be clean, similar to the ones here from other commenters.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            With all due respect in return, I was kidding around. I’m sorry if you took that so literal. I found his blog on his very first day and am well versed in his writings through, books, blog, and private consults.

          4. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

            Yes clarece. I am aware you are alumni here 😊
            Love the blonde hair. Wish you had kept it blonde. U had mentioned somewhere that it is auburn now.
            Thank you for your reply.

          5. NarcAngel says:

            Nobody mess with Clarece if you know whats good for you. Her bestie is none other than B_E.

          6. MLA - Clarece says:

            Mess or don’t mess with me. I hold my own. lol B.E. can chillax and take it all in.

        2. The Punisher says:

          I have, Love. HG didnt send it to me though.

        3. NarcAngel says:

          LOVE you are so funny! Im afraid pics from my days flitting rock to rock as a water sprite have faded due to being taken on polaroid. Sigh.

      6. Pretty says:

        Feeling guilty of something, NA? I don’t recall referencing you in my post. With all due respect, I do understand the innocent inquiry. I don’t wonder, as the reveal of penpal and radio personalities typically disappoint.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Not at all Pretty. I was just explaining as your post seemed a little disappointed in the behaviour and frankly a little accusatory. I can assure that my reply was intended in the most neutral of tones and was in in defence of the fact that although it is a serious subject matter here, that sometimes a little levity is encouraged and appreciated. HG has quite a sense of humour himself. I will also make note not to reply to anything with your name on it if I have not been referenced as that seemed to upset you also. My apologies that you appear to be having a difficult day and hope that it improves.

          1. The Punisher says:

            My turn to wish I thought of that 😉

        2. The Punisher says:

          NA is entitled to her opinion as are the rest of us. Thicken that skin miss, don’t you see where you are?

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Thank you darling TP. Now hold up my skirt while I take pictures of my naughty bits to send to HG.

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. Pretty says:

            Oh, that’s rich. I’m in a forum for understanding narcissistic behavior.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            Yes and you’re displaying some. Oooops! Sorry. I wasnt referenced.

      7. Love says:

        Punisher, ooooooh tell me EVERYTHING! How did you find Mr. Tudor’s pic? Were you captivated at first glance?? Do you sleep with the pic next to your pillow every night? Have you enlarged it to poster size with your kisses all over it?
        NA, its never too late. That’s what videos are for now. I’m sure Mr. Tudor would appreciate all types of ways empathy is displayed.

        1. The Punisher says:

          You’re funny Love 😊 He was quite popular with my friends and I when I was in school.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          LOVE, (wagging finger at you) I do believe you are playing it up intentionally to poke the bear lol. Now go to the naughty step. I will join you directly as apparently I have ruffled feathers today also.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I am moving the naughty step into the cellar and it will become known as the Naughty Ledge.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Lol. Probably a good move. Bitches be hatin today and if it continues you may need naughty bleachers.

          3. The Punisher says:

            My pleasure NA! And I don’t hate you at all. I dig you.

      8. Love says:

        Oh we are sending naughty pics??? Then let me push these darn woodland creatures out of the shot and get naked. I thought the photo shoot theme was empathy. A little heads up next time would be nice ladies 😉

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Empathy IS the theme LOVE. Thats what I call mine. Sorry for the confusion.

          Yes HG……on my way to the naughty ledge…….

      9. Love says:

        Oh my goodness, I finally get it! You call yours “Empathy” and he calls his “The Creature”. Yes, yes, I understand! Apt names.

        1. The Punisher says:

          Woah, Love. You are a genius.

  3. Mel says:

    Interesting post. Complete avoidance of an uncomfortable question for you by using a carefully constructed wall. You can only supply your own fuel when you determine who you are and love yourself. You cannot rely on other people’s opinions – good or bad, true or false. Try putting a little thought into who you are and who you would like to become if you did not have to rely on others for fuel. It is a huge question for those who have created an identity to shield themselves from hurt. A question that needs time to review and more time than available in a therapy session.

    1. AH OH says:

      Mel Seems like the simple answer right? The mind is big mystery. Do you smoke, drink or have any habit? Do you just hit the switch to change what you do and think and feel. If so then you need to get with the professionals and let them study you so they can bottle it and heal the world.
      In otherwords any mental disorder is complicated.

      You need more understanding on this. IMHO

  4. Sara Lancisi says:

    Hmm…these comments provide you with supply don’t they H.G.?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Sara, they provide some fuel yes, but as I repeatedly explain, I have always admitted that and I have also pointed out that the amount of fuel provided is low when compared with that which I gain Proximate Fuel. I know there are those who think i do this as a basis for garnering huge amounts of fuel. Those that think that do so in ignorance of what I have written, especially in my book Fuel and/or trot this comment out as a means of attempting to denigrate me because they dislike the fact that people find what I right helpful, interesting and insightful and they cannot stand the fact that someone like me provides valuable insight. I see it with occasional frequency and regard it as the comment of those who fail to understand, those who are jealous and those who lack the open-mindedness for which they claim to have but clearly do not. I am honest here as to what I am, it amuses me to witness those who claim to be honest too, but are far from it.

      1. The Punisher says:

        That’s one way to look at it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is my way to look at it, since I was asked what it did for me.

      2. The Punisher says:

        I wasn’t claiming ownership of your opinion.

      3. Love says:

        Is there a way to provide you more fuel, voluntarily? I have a lot on tap and would like to achieve a better grade than just ‘Low’. I think that’s a C- 😔

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Read Fuel, Love, it’s all in there.

      4. Love says:

        Oh yes Mr. Tudor, that’s my favorite book. I love how you breakdown the point system. So is changing my status (from distant stranger) the only way to really increase fuel points?

        1. HG Tudor says:


      5. AH OH says:

        Stop talking about me like this! My feelings might get hurt. 😉

        I think you are so much more as a writer then writing about this disorder. But this is needed too.

  5. E. B. says:

    It is very interesting to read about your therapy sessions, HG. Thank you for sharing them with us.

    I was told that when therapists ask “Who are you”, they actually want clients to talk about their “True/Authentic Self”, if they can identify their core values, strengths and weaknesses, their characteristics as an individual, also if they live their lives according to their authentic values (as opposed to living to someone else’s values, or wearing a mask, the False Self).
    I cannot understand why therapists do not ask about it directly instead of putting themselves in a higher position than their clients (“See. You don’t even know who you are.”)

  6. The Punisher says:

    HG, this was really interesting. I wonder why you write about your therapy so sparingly compared to everything else?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you TP. I do and I don’t. I do not always write about therapy in the dialogue manner of this exchange as in this article, but often I will write about what has arisen in therapy in the form of an article, addressing the subject matter and I do that quite often, thus much of what you read has occurred from something in therapy. I am also leaving more of the dialogue pieces for the book The Good Doctors.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Do they know about that upcoming work of yours?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          they do now

      2. The Punisher says:

        I understand and look forward to this book. Thanks, H. 😸

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome TP.

      3. Love says:

        Do your doctors know your pen name and the URL to this blog? Have you allowed them to come here and read the content? Or read your books?
        I understand they were involved in developing the rules of this forum. Yet, I feel this should be your personal space. Its private, only between you and your many many fans.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have not allowed them to Love but I know that they have.

      4. Love says:

        Thank you for answering all my questions! You are on fire today!

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    What has changed since the first time you posted this? I think it might have been in Feb. I know you say awareness with other posts, but is there something more?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The links between what has happened to me and how I have responded in terms of the way I view others has become much clearer to me 1jaded.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        We know you view others as appliances with start / stop / pause features. With your growing awareness, do you want to explore, if you can, a real attachment and bond with another human? You have been on the receiving end of that, but to actually reciprocate?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Why would I need to do that though Clarece?

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Just to appeal to your sense of superiority alone. It is something unknown to you and you like to think of yourself as all knowing, almost like a God. How can you reign supreme if a very basic element of the human condition remains elusive to you?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            It is not elusive if I choose not to want it. i can reign supreme precisely because I choose not to engage in something which leaves me exposed to weakness.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            Who said anything about weakness? That’s not a very optimistic outlook.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I did. Those feelings are ones which are associated with weakness Clarece.

          5. MLA - Clarece says:

            But yet you say you have always kept the search alive for Amanda. So there is one you would probably be willing to explore forming a bond with and see if weakness is or is not exposed with it. Fair to say? You are not one afraid to take risk if the end game is important to you.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            But that would be a bond on my terms Clarece.

          7. MLA - Clarece says:

            But you do relish a good challenge and with being a master at your self-control, you could only really gain and not lose anything. An intimate bond with another human if you’re open to it, would bring value to your life.

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Explain to me the value please Clarece.

          9. MLA - Clarece says:

            By conserving your energy where there is a secure presence in your life that you can just be. No, planning, plotting, construct to uphold, no restlessness. Not having to operate in machine mode. Not having to keep a “Beware, keep out” sign to your heart. Feeling in sync with another human where you can experience safety.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            The conservation of energy appeals Clarece.
            I enjoy planning and plotting.
            I am not interested in feeling in sync.
            Not having to uphold the construct would be novel.
            I like being in machine mode. I am good at it.
            I don’t have a beware sign – the ice around it and the blackened colour do that.

            Interesting points though, thank you for advancing them. As ever, you gave me something to think about.

          11. MLA - Clarece says:

            You would be interested in feeling in sync if it meant you may never have to feel that awful ringing in your ears sensation or no longer have apprehension of holding hands.

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Fair point Clarce but then wouldn’t I have to deal with a paper aeroplane doinking me on the head?

          13. MLA - Clarece says:

            Oh jeesh! I’ll give you a Nurf Gun and you can try to shoot them down before they hit you. I’d like to see some of those mad marksmen skills. lol

          14. HG Tudor says:

            I have perfect eyesight so you’d best start running!

          15. MLA - Clarece says:


          16. The Punisher says:

            Ideas on what could stop that ringing?

          17. The Punisher says:

            What if you found Amanda?

          18. HG Tudor says:


          19. NarcAngel says:

            Who is Amanda and why can she not be found?

          20. The Punisher says:

            We are. He knew. He hid me from you.

      2. Matilda says:

        I hope that you will find Amanda, HG… and you will be at peace, feeling safe in her love… remember, she is only human, and she will not be perfect… tread with love in your heart, not fury… listen when she speaks and learn… good luck 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Matilda.

        2. The Punisher says:

          If that were possible and he did find her there is still a chance he will destroy her before he gets there, Matilda.

      3. Love says:

        Have you checked your iron level Mr. Tudor? That could be the cause of the ringing in your ears. Also, TMJ…
        I hope it goes away soon.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          All good on the iron front as I eat a freshly sacrificed heart at 5-30 a every morning, but thank you for your suggestion.

  8. Viktoria says:

    Dr. O/ E: Hg , who are you?
    Hg: I am a prostitute🙌
    Dr.O/E: Are you?😰
    Hg: Of course I am😊
    Dr. O/E: I don’t get it😨😇
    Hg: Of course you don’t😆
    Dr.O/E: Can you explain to me whay are you saying that you are a prostitute😯
    Hg:I can😛 (long silent………….)
    Dr. O/E: Would you??????😤😤
    Hg: Yes😂
    Dr.O/E: Hg, time is fallinggggg…..again😤
    Hg: Indeed?!!😮
    Dr.O/E: Time is over😢
    Hg: See you next time😎

  9. Stormy says:

    This post makes me wonder… Are you actually trying to get better? Do you want a different, better life? One with joy and peace and love? Have you ever contemplated the idea that no matter what you have done in your life, you are still loved by God, your maker? He can give you a new heart and a new life! He can heal all of your brokenness and make you feel whole. The way you are meant to be! He loves you so much. He has unlimited love and admiration and affection for you. You seek to fill the void with control; but in vain. However, He CAN fill that void.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Better is an interesting word Stormy. Does it mean get better at what I already do or does it mean recover from my behaviours so I do not engage in them as much or at all? I suspect you mean the latter. I have not entered this treatment with a view to getting better in that sense. I entered it to achieve what i wanted which is as I have mentioned numerous times, certain long-term aims of mine. However, having now been in this treatment I find the increased awareness fascinating and want to know more. Thus, this does at least keep me within the treatment and open to suggestions that the good doctors are making which may well lead towards looking at ways of altering my behaviour, self-fuelling being one which has been suggested. I see no reason for me to change because I am highly effective at what I do and I do not care about the consequences for other people, but one can never say never to the possibility of my view altering. I have no interest in joy, I have power. I have no interest in peace, because I have power. I have no interest in love, because I have power.
      I note your recommendation that God is the one that will fill my void, perhaps you would explain to me how that would happen?

      1. MeMe says:

        I want power. Joy, Peace and Love really aren’t doing “it” for me.
        Apparently, having all 4 is not attainable. Having experienced Joy, Peace and Love only to know it’s not permanent.
        Now I want to experience power in all of its glory and permanence.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Ah the promise of another golden period with a different deity…… Can you not see Stormy the similarities between what the Narc offers and what you offer? Smoke and mirrors. The promise of something we cannot touch but should invest in heavily for greater reward later. And accompanied with the same superiority and conviction. i reject the fantasy you offer the same way I reject theirs. I actually think yours is frankly less honest than theirs. You do whats good for you but please stop trying to save us all from one fantasy only to be pulled into another.

  10. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

    My narc says “i am nothing but i can be anything.” I never understood this. I can clearly see that he likes sports, he likes to achieve academically, he likes to jog, he likes reading, poetry, and more. He often reads when alone, so it is not a mask to impress somebody.
    Similarly with you HG. You are an accomplished writer, a past sports person, an academic achiever, an analyst, a self aware person. So how is it then, that narcs have a poor sense of self? Please enlighten me. Thank you HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello PTSD, because the real self was not deemed good enough as it failed to protect us from what was done to us and instead we created a false self which is superior and effective and that false self is capable of being altered, composed form different parts and is flexible. Thus when your narc says I am nothing, he means his true self is nothing because it served no purpose to him and serves no purpose now, it has been rendered redundant. The he states than he can be anything, he is referring to the flexibility afforded by the false self which has been created.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        This is the most concise and understandable way I’ve seen this explained. Thank you HG.

  11. Starr says:

    You are a human being
    You cannot give or receive real love
    You hurt others to make yourself feel better
    You are always in competition and always worried about winning
    You only care about fuel and winning

    Winning for what ? What is the ultimate goal for your life .

    Take away the addiction to fuel .

    Who are you then ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am not worried about winning Starr although many of our kind do.
      The ultimate goal is to win.
      If I had no addiction to fuel I would still achieve.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        How do you measure that success HG? That you have attained the ultimate goal and won? Also you have mentioned previous your legacy. Do you mean your books and work here or are you referring to something else entirely?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello NA, I would still refer to my answer about total hegemonic dominance over everything around me. In terms of my legacy, yes my work here is part of that but it also includes other elements which will be revealed to you over time. I know you will find them interesting.

      2. I am not worried about winning Starr although many of our kind do.
        The ultimate goal is to win.
        HG that is a direct contradiction but you know that so what is the impulse that drives you to contradict yourself?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Complete hegemonic control.

          1. Yeah by non consensual dominance

          2. HG Tudor says:

            That opens up an interesting debate which is akin to the victim v volunteer articles and the comments thereon.

          3. As you at aware I am making my way through your articles and appreciate the place you have formed for opinions, discussion and different perspectives.

            I shall endeavour to read what I can when I can as there is further education here. The books I have not read nor any of your additional material. Your constraint in being polite is commendable and there are obvious signposts that suggest to me in my research that the empath/narcissist are conjoined somehow as one being but of two energies that have a spiritual element. You are correct in the sense that the empath cannot go anywhere without attracting the narcissists. From the empaths perspective, can you try and imagine for one brief moment what that is like and yet the very being we do not wish to emulate nor be is a narcissist. In order to protect ourselves from the dark moths attracted to our light is to a: transform into something we do not want to project to protect ourselves. b: become an intolerable and obstinate most stubborn being that conveys and shuts down all of our abilities and talents/gifts and almost become reclusive or educate ourselves further to project ourselves on a continuum of someone we are not. Not like hanging garlic around our necks and wearing a cross and throwing around holy water is going to stop the mud around us. You know the ways that disinterest and repel your kind and in due course I would like you to elaborate on every strategy that comes to mind in how we can repel your kind without becoming someone we do not or are uncomfortable with being. We are fiercely defending our human right to remain who we are and we have been tested in near every way known to mankind. Our resilience and tenacity to preserve who we are is paramount in our journey. We feel, that narcissist’s have sold their souls, traded and bartered themselves. The net is alive with narcissistic abuse survivors/victims= humans that have a right to peace and harmony.

          4. Starr says:

            Thanks for the mindfuck lol

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha,you are welcome.

      3. NarcAngel says:

        HG does reading posts that consistently (albeit in different flowery prose) try to diagnose, analyze, and SAVE you by pointing out what is wrong with your methods and what you’re missing out on ( the main theme being LOVE) etc annoy, irritate, bore you? Or is your internal dialouge: NEXT!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          In this arena, I read them with interest because I like to know what people think. It also gives me a little fuel because it is being aimed at me. I do not mind people wanting to save me, tell me I am wrong and what I am missing out on because I know that this is what empathic individuals will do. Occasionally I may think, ‘yes I have heard this all before’ but this is the place where people are entitled to express their views and I want to read them too. It is of course different outside of this forum where I will use these attempts to my advantage. Good question NA.

        2. MeMe says:

          Damn I need to read the comments more often.
          I’m fueled and I’m not a narcissist.

  12. NoNarcs says:

    In the words of Gertrude Stein, perhaps “There is no there, there”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Did you drop the mic after that double n?

      1. NoNarcs says:

        I couldn’t resist, HG, but no mic drop…it’s not my style

  13. Insatiable Learner says:

    Thank you, HG. As always, very insightful and illuminating. I have now read several of your books. I am certainly growing in my knowledge and understanding but still struggling with acceptance. It’s that battle of the head vs.the heart you wrote about.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome IL, it takes time to cross that emotional sea.

  14. Snow White says:

    Do you think the doctors know when you outwit them? I remember one session when you produced your fake tear for them.
    Because of your famous triple track thinking, can you always tell from the beginning of your session what it is that they want from you?

    I know when I’m in therapy, I am aware of what I want to discuss and what I don’t. I find it very uncomfortable to come head to head with all my jntamcy issues, so of courses she brings it up every week.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not always no. I think I have picked up a tell with Dr E as he wiggles his right foot when he is getting exasperated and thus to my mind that denotes he is aware is being outwitted. I should imagine on other occasions they do not notice or do not think that I have.

      1. Snow White says:

        I’m sure he will love reading that if he comes across it. Lol…
        You have an exceptional ability in observing people. That along with many of your other talents puts you two steps ahead of everyone else.
        I enjoy reading all about the sessions.
        Thanks for writing about them

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you SW,most kind of you to say so.

      2. All in all it is all (overgeneralisation) about you receiving fuel from every source available including this forum, your books and all of your other pastime. They already know that so from that alone they know that you are amused and playing them. No amount of cognitive behavioural therapy can make a large enough dent into the forbidden area of your life where you developed your character, if you are going to continue to deliberately obstruct therapy. Have you noticed that the Oscar Pistorious’s of our world cry many tears when and only when they are hit with the prospect of losing their control and power being replaced with control and power over them for many years to come. Not suggesting that you are OP but similarly it is all about power and control and exerting enough of it to cause an inequlibrium and make impossible therapy due to your addiction to bring about via any of your strategies an unequal setting where the power and control you exert outweigh the control and power of others.

      3. Your therapists are using methods that will not suffice in cases like yours. They give you a short closed question and you elaborate. They give you an open ended question and you reduce it to a closed response. Like oppositional defiance disorder. Narcissists thrive on being oppositional, obstructive, destructive, opposing any solution because the narcissist blocks solution. Solution means resolving as you have spoken about and you don’t want resolve. Resolving is boring and yet would give you the consistency that you say you require. Almost like your head and heart are in a war and the war is being spilled out onto others. Not their war, it is your war and it controls you. See, you think you are in control but to be honest you are out of control. No offence intended HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          None taken PRH, thank you for your observation.

          1. I understand where you come from and I don’t disagree to a lot of what you speak. I do disagree though to areas that I do not agree with due to it is very grandiose to assume that you control one state of being at liberty when it is via manipulation and militant behaviours and seems to be consistent in your being that you feel so superior when for any one of us there is always another far more superior and often gained at the expense of the entertainment derived form it through dishonest manipulating of the variables. Yes, your kind is all around but they are not invincible nor immune from falling and crashing and burning just as a narcissist primes another by placing them on an artificial platform only to mull over how to knock them off with the most lasting impact to them. That is cruelty and it is sadistic, spiteful and nasty.

      4. HG you are highly emotional. You are but it is kept in check and there is nothing wrong with that. Strain and struggle are part of that and non-disclosure is your right. Therapy therefore cannot help you because from your perspective many more of us should be like you. Success rate well you know and that is why narcissists rarely present for treatment.

      5. Narrative therapy is about the problem and how it influences behaviour and actions as you know. However, to imagine or create a contrasting narrative where the problem can be foreseen to not influence behaviour and actions that hurt or take advantage of others is like a joke to a narcissist and a waste of time.

  15. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, one of the goals of these sessions you stated above is to enable you to gain awareness and insight into what you want. Is it typical of your kind not to know what you want? I’ve heard my narc say that several times, “I don’t know what I want.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes it is because invariably that is linked with some of our kind not knowing what they are.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        If I’m correct based on your answers to questions over time, you have seen the doctors for at least 2 years? Maybe longer? You have definitely achieved greater awareness, and rapport with them. They are there to challenge you in a good way. Therapy isn’t always meant to be comfortable. Yet, you do not want to change how you are. I’m not sure if you want to use therapy to try to help you maintain an intimate relationship where you want to stick it out past the point you would devalue.
        So what is the ultimate goals between you and the doctors at this point? What criteria do you have to meet so your family feels satisfied and you’re in line for the inheritance? Or is therapy for you now helping you with your writings for the harder books on MatriNarc, Creature, Lost Boy, etc? Are you more willing to explore past traumas that created your Creature or unlocking the voice for little HG now that you are feeling more comfortable that both doctors value you and want to have your best interests at heart?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Roughly speaking the goals are for me to understand what I am, understand why I behave as I do, to recognise what I do is wrong, to understand a different way of behaving and to implement that different way of behaving. That is the simplest way of describing it Clarece. The books you mentioned are part of the first two elements and we are in a difficult phase at present in dealing with issues about understanding why I behave as i do because this means making me address things which I have locked away (for good reasons) and which I do not want to let out. The problem I face is that my traitorous family, in their comprehensive litany of lies to the good doctors have included certain matters from my past (courtesy mainly from Lennox and Rachael) which are best left well alone.

  16. Interesting.
    And.. litany of lies….
    I have used that very line about my ex. before i found this blog….
    And i have seen that line multiple times around here…

  17. Love says:

    You are Mr. Tudor, the Great.
    My goodness, when you write about your sessions with the doctors, my heart races. I do not like to read about them making you uncomfortable. But you are very strong and work through it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is more to come. I know their game Love, they won’t outwit me.

      1. Love says:

        No one can outwit you!

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. You know it isn’t about outwitting you, it’s about digging deep to bring your hurt and pain to the surface… I say this with a full heart and not to degrade you in anyway but you know that’s what they need from you to try to “fix” you. In many ways you are like the rest of us, only your wall is made of platinum and you’ve built it too high to protect yourself from the very same hurt that you dish out.
        That being said, you can’t block it out forever…you’ll have to eventually let it out.

        1. WOW! my sentiments exactly and the walls they build stonewall themselves when they believe it is to stonewall others. Extensively, self preserving and protective of a fragile hierarchy of needs most likely stuck on one of the steps. Cautious at all times in an urgent kind of way and borders on paranoia. Empaths in fact share in some of the areas that are discussed and attributed to narcissists. The empath can express very well and has no trouble living in their own skin and allowing that to glow outward whereas a narcissist protects their own skin in an extreme use of strategies to prevent or obstruct digging into their lives deeply. An empath will present their failures, their successes and themselves in a very altruistic manner.

          1. Purpleribbonhealing, you said it perfectly and I think this is why my heart aches so much for those who build this unbreakable wall. I know they feel pain and I do not care if they have the ability to love or not, I just want to take the hurt and pain away. I know it well, I don’t mind it and I’d take it just so they can be free from their demons only if it’s momentarily.

            Call me crazy but I don’t think anyone really deserves to hurt and to the extent that they have to take it out on others, it’s just because they’ve never been gifted with what i feel deep inside my soul. I know others can relate…

          2. Thanks dragonkeeper it is not as baffling once we clearly comprehend that it is operative, mechanical. The example I give may reveal what occurs when a resilient empath withstands each of the stones that build the narcissists wall and vehemently places those same obstacles in the path of a narcissists vertical wall engineering.

            On occasion I have used techniques to preserve my dignity and if you can imagine the fury of a greater narcissist moreover most likely a sociopath bordering on psychopathy it has been very challenging. Heavy duty being that will use every inch of energy to
            a: Not accept accountability despite the greater risk that may be involved to himself where my testimonies and evidence had made the abuse place himself in a position that would bring him the recognition of others within a framework knowing exactly what he is made of.
            b: Heavy duty triangulation his art and his obsession through his addiction over me to receive further fuel when the tank was empty served only to exhaust himself and obviously came at me looking for fuel I have clearly told him to get elsewhere.
            c: There is far too much to elect on this forum and like HG it would be best served in a book yet the book would turn into volumes, due to the nature of the beast and every ploy, setup and his disordered being had given me the knowledge I have without turning to such sites of HG and others. I have a wealth of experiential training on this subject as do most of you by decree.

            The example: In trying to raise the bar over me and not concede to defeat I have observed on just two occasions one of the most elaborate most bizarre demonstrations or exhibitions of a totally blocked and frustrated narcissist.
            HG moderates and shall read this and will understand what I am expressing to deliver a pertinent point.
            The narcissist being completely blocked and out of ammo and having no way out of the situation through avoidance, retreat basically manifested the machine that he is. I understand how HG defines machinations and almost speaks at times from a mechanical viewpoint as I have seen the manifestation with my own being.
            The narcissist flipped into some mode, some state of being and stiffened upright, became a wall if you can imagine that. Not only a wall, but placed his hands up parallel with his head with palms facing out front and rigidly set elbows. The blackness in his eyes were set and there was no way you could see a pupil, it was like the pupil had expanded to cover the entire eye.
            He became or acted out to be a robot! Imagine those toys of old that were chunky and square and they moved around by battery in a blunt square motion. Draw a square with the starting point not removing your hand from the pen and that is the repetitive movement he made and a shoop, shoop, shoop sound flowed form his tightly pulled mouth.

            That from my perspective was his breaking point of all breaking points out of the basis I can only suggest that rather than yield or give in (which meant losing control) he became a machine, a robot in action- an animated object and once I had that I knew that this is a way of being that defies and shall continue to defy, to endlessly not compromise, an addiction of entitlement, egocentricity and all that HG educates on.
            I feel that your are correct and there is a quote about never giving pearls of wisdom to swine. That is what they after and that is what they emulate and mimic off empaths to appeal to other empaths and to have to rob it just to copy it, appears to present as parasitic.
            I believe that every child born has the potential for being empathic, intuitive and so on. For one reason or another, the child’s personality/development was arrested during a crucial milestone. Moreover, I believe there are like HG explains, the far left and the far right and that somewhere on that line is our own placement. Interesting research on female and male brains and extreme female and extreme male brains including crossovers. Very complex all of this and we can only continue to school ourselves to create the change in our lives primarily then use it to educate.

  18. Pretty says:

    Enlightening! I was wondering the answers to these questions last night. Knowing what I want before I ask! You are good 😉
    Thank you for sharing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      One does one’s best Pretty, you are welcome.

      1. MeMe says:

        I don’t see a comment box for purplehearthealings posts…. It doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
        Anyway- I wanted to ask if she has a platform bon her own?

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