A Poisoned Pen



“Dear Victim,

That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being. The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything. The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me. That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way. You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done. I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice. It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you? You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need. If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.

Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you. There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention. Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.

It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error of my ways. I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again. You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.

I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just use it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.

With mechanical action N.Arc x”

30 thoughts on “A Poisoned Pen

  1. Violet says:

    If you want my view on the best treatment, it’s to allow the narcissist to accept and indulge in such traits but keep them away from empaths.

    Whether it’s developing a simulated environment for them to indulge.. I have found the narcissist feels relieved of the burden of having to live up to the standards they create. However cannot be still and content so will always go of repeating the behaviour.

    However my problem is that people are in positions of power and care when they have no such ability to manage these roles.

    Abuse is never ok and abusers cannot be changed. Sooo…

    Put that one to your shrinks (if they are not narcissists which I would suggest they are.)

  2. Violet says:

    I had a sense that I was different to everybody else in my family, this always bothered me and caused a huge sense of rejection. Given the numbers and without a name for narcissism, I internalised this as my flaw.

    However over time, observing lack of control, understanding of the world and other parts of the disability, I came to play a kind of carer and translator role and there grew a respect between us as different. A narc family focuses on getting things running so that’s what we did.

    I realised my guilt held me back in many ways.. but that their lack of guilt caused a freight train of chaos.

    When I’d point out something was different my family was quick to normalise their disability as “ways of being” or “variations of personality” rather than what it was, and so I was not equipped to diagnose and be empowered to know what to expect. I believed what they said, or if I didn’t, let them say what they wanted.

    Narcissism is enjoyable for them when they’re young but as adults it appears to me they are constantly blaming and unhappy, or arrogant. That creature became the director of all my decisions (don’t do anything that wakes the beast) and so having my own life and needs is only being introduced to me now in my thirties, and it’s an alien concept to want things for myself that doesn’t supply matrinarc’s ego.

    In summary I believe narcissists are born this way and will exhibit manipulative intelligence from a very young age, often appearing older than they are. And so I don’t think trauma therapy is productive. My mother got the best behaviour out of my brother by normalising the trait and explaining how good behaviour will help him win.

  3. Violet says:

    I observed the eyes and reactions to the world from my cousins, and I remarked a lack of warmth and depth in the eyes from birth and as they grew.
    I remarked a preoccupation with needs and lack of fear.

    They can feel emotions but in a childlike way and always in relation to themselves. A narcissistic mother would cause them to focus on function.

    I suppose this gives rise to say your reaction to Adele (not sure if you answered my question about not crying in a good way).

    Happiness comes from receiving something, fantasy, or humiliating someone else.

    So to summarise from my perspective, narcissism can be noticed from the eyes and facial expression in babies and toddlers. I would add facial expressions are more limited, to elation, anger, irritation and on the way into adulthood, the blankness starts to set in around 12.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Interesting, did you immediately link it to narcissism or did you witness the lack of warmth and depth and then associate it later?

  4. Violet says:

    It’s my opinion that you’re wasting your time thinking narcissism is caused by childhood damage.

    My family is a narc clan and I’ve seen too many babies born with it.

    I believe narcissism is genetic.

    I have however, seen moments of emotion and vulnerability. However it would never be “human” but rather self-centred feeling again in relation to external stories or factors.

    I think empaths can give themselves false hope with this. In my experience, narcs can act better but it is foreign to them. I’m grateful for this article because it offers new insight to the reasons why the narc acts out and further frees the victim from self-blame. I never knew it was such a destructive emptiness, rather I thought it was insecurity or perhaps a hatred of women due to past bad memories.

    I still am perplexed as to the harsh worldview and words of the narcissist because seemingly he cannot be in the world and feel enough to have those opinions. It would seem this void is responsible as the conductor of all the behaviour. I think HG if some non-narc scientists would use your evidence, then much could be done to study the brain.

    We have achieved so much in the past century. Why not develop synthetic hormone to produce what is missing in you guys? Like any malformed muscle, one must study the nerve network blockage and develop a way to overcome it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Interesting Violet, the genetic v environment debate has been touched on before. Certainly those who are dealing with me are predisposed to the environmental cause, that is their stance. In terms of your position are you stating that the narcissism occurs more or less from birth – if so how do you establish this – or perhaps you have seen someone develop into a narcissist when their environment was supportive and nurturing and therefore that suggests it must be genetic in nature – I would be interested to learn your views.

  5. Fool me 1 time says:

    I do not want to change anyone! They were just possible ideas that could be tried! If HG or anyone is truly happy being who they are then that is who they should be. Xxx

    1. Matilda says:

      True, it is not for me to judge someone else’s life choices. We can only offer different, perhaps new perspectives. I got a bit carried away today, sorry. 🙂

      1. Fool me 1 time says:

        No apology necessary. I would only like to help the man that saved my life! ( literally). As I’m sure we all only want to see him happy and well, if he is happy doing what he is doing then good for him. I just didn’t want anyone to misunderstand what I was trying to say. Have a good weekend Matilda. Xx

    2. Matilda says:

      I agree :-). A good weekend to you too, Fool me 1 time!

  6. nikitalondon says:

    Yes I know this one very well…
    very good !

  7. Matilda says:

    Exactly!! Many have tried before, I am sure. You can only reach in if access is granted…

    1. Fool me 1 time says:

      So true Matilda! With the fear that he has it will be hard for him to let someone reach inside! Hopefully someday he will be able to trust someone enough to let them in! He is such a beautiful and amazing man!! In spite of what his Mother did to him!!!

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        How to do that though? To reach inside and withstand the fury that will be the first obstacle? He says mirroring doesn’t work. Matching fury with fury? It would be negative fuel but will ultimately make him feel wounded and criticized and he will retreat. Begging and pleading doesn’t work. That’s the weakness he despises and becomes annoyed with for even letting himself become infatuated with that person. Gray rocking just preserves you but causes him to go elsewhere.
        As much as I believe in the power of words, in HG’s situation based solely on what he shares here, the way to the core has to be a different path….visual and physical triggers. His body has to feel it’s in a safe place before his brain will ever follow suit.

        1. Fool me 1 time says:

          I agree with you Clarese! I do not feel the Drs. Will ever be able to let him feel that safety! He already doesn’t trust them! I believe they will help to a certain extent, but I think ( this is just my thought) he will have to be in a situation where his body feels completely safe! A person that he can not find any reason what so ever not to trust. Or that has any ulterior motives other then helping him be free. I’m not as good as the rest of you when it comes to writing what I’m trying to say or feel! I apologise if this offended any one, especially HG! I can just feel such a beautiful and amazing man that is still suffering from a childhood of unlove and it breaks my heart!! Xxx

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Oh hi HG. I know you’re still in the room. Lol

      3. Matilda says:

        I agree, Fool me 1 time. We can see the potential, that’s why we try to plant the seeds for change.

        It would have to be someone who knows the condition first hand in all its ugliness. A broken one who rose again, brave enough to face the challenge. He would have to be willing to surrender to her, lay down his defences, stop the mind games, and be real. To him, this probably is worse than death. She would be struggling with doubts throughout, unsure if she is told truth or lie, always on her guard. It would be very difficult for both of them, probably impossible.

        Yes, that’s an excellent point, Clarece, I have not thought of that. There are body-based forms of therapy. They may achieve where words fail. A child *feels* long before it utters its first word – touch may well be the key here to unlock emotions.

        There you go, HG, we have it all sorted out for you! All you have to do is be a good man, and obey! You know you want to. 🙂

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          He doesn’t know he wants to yet. He enjoys the fuel with us discussing it though. His methods are his methods are his methods and he will stay stubborn protecting what he knows.

  8. MLA - Clarece says:

    Negative or positive fuel is just the bandaid over a huge gaping wound which is the void at your core.
    Your body is harboring all of that trauma and constant rejection from your mother, I’m guessing starting at birth. Someone needs to figure out how to reach in and pull all of that garbage out to release it once and for all.

    1. Not So Sad says:

      It’s sad isn’t it MLA .Each & everyone of HGs primary supplies will suffer as a consequence of her rejection too .
      What kind of mother would do that to her child .

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        One that should have had tubal ligation

      2. AH OH says:

        There are many screwed up mothers and fathers. It is people in general.

  9. Seduced says:

    What if You were at 1% fuel level… and someone was next to Yougor You despite the pain You have caused before and You would hold Yourself together theoretically. .. and the You would cross that portal and went into the other side of 0% where fuel is gained by seeing other happy for what You do or say, seeing other pleased and excited and genuinely genuinely happy with You and for You… what if the scale You use for weighing the different types of fuel is wrong. it’s broken. what if someone could tell You: “Listen my dear. I’ll show You life and love. I will be there for You always. For me YOU are enough even if You get old and Your memory starts to fail or You’ll end up paralised on the bed after a stroke. Let me trust You. Win me over but with one lie or manipulation You will be devalued in my eyes forever and I will be gone. Me for honesty. My for Your will to NOT TO HURT anymore ever again. Like a vegetarian on tofu.. only positive fuel even if You will feel sometimes that it’s not enough ” —- would You go for it????

  10. noah80 says:

    “Sorry” it is a nonexistent word in a vocabulary of a narcissist. it takes knowledge and courage to pronounce it.
    Great and cold letter… so cold as to be sad.

  11. Darkness Falls Again says:

    As I whisper please more sir, and scream please stop your hurting me.
    Such twisted “pleasure”

    With one there is always the other

  12. Reblogged this on NarcMagNet69x96.

  13. AH OH says:

    It was like reading a horror story. You can’t do a damn thing for the victim.
    I have a magic pitcher and I can fill you up.

    Anti-freeze………brrrrr it is cold in here.

    1. Not So Sad says:

      Does doesn’t AH HO .. Very Dark ..

      Wonders if HG whistles when he’s delving into his ” tool kit “..

      1. AH OH says:

        Oh I bet he does or hums. You do know that humming is good for the brain.

        He is a very ominous thought at times. We hate to love him.

  14. Cara says:

    Why do I do this? Because it’s what I learned at mother’s feet…because I can (and without remorse)…because it’s fun. Hey, YOU wanted to know why, so don’t look so nauseous when I tell you.

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