Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? – Part One

 

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During your seduction if we were not bombarding you with those delicious text messages complimenting you, inviting you out and describing what we would like to do to you in bed that night, then when you answered us you would invariably receive a lightning quick response. This is all part of the conditioning which is part of the seduction see  Message Hook .Even if we were driving we managed to rattle off a reply, during a meeting there would be a surreptitious response texted from underneath the desk or boardroom table and what about those late night messages which made you smile and think about us? Yes, we were ensconced in our bolt hole be it the study or a silent trip to the bathroom or even we lay in bed texting you as the outgoing primary source slept beside us oblivious to what was going on. Heady and exciting times indeed.

All of that has now changed. You send a text and there is no response. You send another. No answer. You issue another text. Still no reply. You know of no reason why we cannot respond, in fact you checked we would be around this morning and we said that we would. We used to answer at any time. Your pleasant enquiries soon take on the tone of concern, irritation, hurt and anger as every time you send one there is no response from us. Why does this happen?

There are a number of factors involved in our behaviour when we are not answering your text messages and this includes what type of appliance you are, the stage you are in during the narcissistic cycle and what school of narcissist that you are dealing with.

The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)

The most likely form of appliance which asks the question as to why he or she is not replying to the text messages.

Seduction

It is extremely rare for us not to answer your text messages during seduction. As I have described above, anytime, anyplace and anywhere we will be looking to text you and respond to your messages as part of the love-bombing seduction. It is worth pointing out that this period is not the initial stages of the seduction (you will be an Intimate Partner Secondary Source or Non-Intimate (so far) Secondary Source at that stage, but rather as the seduction has progressed and we have made you our primary source, we continue to embed and bind you to us as part of the golden period. We want to receive your glorious positive fuel and our ‘phone will be about our person as we are loving, caring and attentive. If we do not reply during seduction it is probably because we are grappling an alligator and cannot reach the ‘phone or we have been kidnapped and our hands and feet are tied and our head restrained so we cannot prod the ‘phone with our nose. Yes, it needs to be that extreme to stop us from answering during seduction.

Devaluation

This is where the failure to reply to you is deliberate. We invariably know that you are messaging us because we are rarely without our ‘phone which is the mission control of our operations.

We may have our ‘phone in our pocket and the repeated buzz as you message us is felt. We may look once to confirm that it is you trying to get in touch with us and then we deposit the ‘phone away once again. This is because we are busy seducing somebody else, busy gaining fuel from another source. It does not have to necessarily be somebody who we are trying to bed or recruit to become the new primary source. It might be our inner circle secondary source friends who were are drinking with and thus we are triangulating you with them. They do not know you are messaging, but we do. Accordingly, we gain fuel from the proximity of our inner circle friends whilst the repeated vibration of the ‘phone gives us Thought Fuel as we envisage you becoming more and more frustrated with our failure to answer you.

Alternatively, our ‘phone will be on display. We might be on our own, watching a film, wanting to stay away from you as we dole out this silent treatment. We may alternatively be with other people. Those other people could be inner or outer circle friends, it could be a secondary source which we are busy seducing in order to recruit them as your replacement. We have the ‘phone on display so we can see that it is you who is messaging us and we can see all or part of your messages. This enables us to gain fuel from seeing the emotional content of your messages as you plead with us, insult us, exhibit hurt or concern. If we are alone, giving you a silent treatment from some bolt hole, we gain fuel and feel our power reinforced. If we are with other people they may see your name keep flashing up and even be able to see part of the message. This provides us with an opportunity to gain extra fuel from the reactions of those who are with us. If the people indicate they have seen the message or pass comment we will reply:-

“See what I mean about her trying to spoil my nights out with you guys, she is such a control freak.”

“What can I say dudes? She is just totally obsessed with me, but who can blame her?”

“Who is Rachel? Oh that’s some obsessive ex. Don’t worry about her, she does this all the time. I don’t block her because then she would start stalking me in person again, it is easier to let the ‘phone take the strain.”

“Who is Emma? This is the nutjob I am trying to finish with and as you can see she won’t let go. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about her, tell me more about your favourite films and let me get you another drink.”

“Who is Joanne? I dated her a couple of times. As you can tell she is rather keen on me by how often she is messaging me.”

Thus you are often smeared to the other appliances and their reactions provide fuel. It is also done to encourage the prospective replacement to work harder to gain our attention as per the final comment above.

You receive a silent treatment through our failure to respond, we gain fuel from seeing your messages and if we are triangulating you we will gain fuel from the other appliance or appliances that we are with. It is all calculated.

There may be occasions where we will purposefully read the messages. This is not only done to derive fuel from them but is carried out where we know you will know that we have read the message. We can envisage you getting more and more worked up as you know we are reading but clearly not replying. This provides further fuel and allows our devaluation of you to be made loud and clear to you.

When we do eventually reply be it hours or days later it is done to gather more fuel from you. Invariably your response is one of relief and delight that we have got in touch and we receive a blast of positive fuel. If it is hurt or anger then we receive negative fuel instead. We may not give you any explanation as to why we have not responded deeming you not worthy of one, such is our arrogance. Alternatively, our explanation is framed around your response. If you are giving us positive fuel we will trot out some excuse about not being able to use the ‘phone, the ‘phone being broken etc (see the excuses listed in Being Mobile ) These explanations may sound plausible and even if they do not, you are too relieved and delighted we are back in touch to make an issue about it (something we rely on). Do not accept those explanations. They are all lies. They are said to avoid accountability and the truth is the failure to respond was completely deliberate. If you are giving us negative fuel, then we will blame you for the reason we did not respond in order to provoke you further and gain yet more negative fuel, saying that we needed some space, that you never leave us alone, that you are always trying to control us and such like.

In terms of the type of narcissist who fails to reply to the text messages, the fact is this form of manipulation is used by all of the schools of narcissism. The Lesser is most likely to ignore you completely. He will have gained fuel from the institution of the silent treatment (although the silent treatment is not one of his favoured methods of manipulation) but rather the failure to respond is representative of the compartmentalisation which we engage in  ( see Compartment Store ) and the Lesser has closed the door on you (for the time being) as he focusses on dealing with somebody else. Given his lower cognitive function and lower energy levels, he is less likely to juggle two people in the instant and therefore he would rather not be bothered by you at all as he concentrates on drawing fuel from another source, especially that which is being recruited to replace you.

The Mid-Ranger’s favourite method of manipulation is the silent treatment and therefore he will make repeated use of not answering texts in order to control you, make you feel inferior, assert his superiority in this passive aggressive manner and most of all of course to gain fuel. He is most likely to keep the ‘phone in his pocket as he seeks to seduce a new primary source, savouring the vibrations and taking the occasional glance when the target has gone to the bar or to the bathroom. He will have the ‘phone on display when he is alone, delighting in reading your messages and will also make use of allowing you to know he has read the message and still has not replied. He is less likely to be so brazen as to have the ‘phone on display so others can comment on it.

The Greater will delight in having the phone in a prominent position, lighting up and beeping, glancing at it and ensuring that if he is with other people then they see that he is in demand and it allows him to engage in triangulation. It appeals to our sense of superiority and string-pulling that we can demonstrate that someone is trying to get in contact with us and we can brush it off, dismiss istand explain it away as we rope somebody else in and they accept what we are saying without question, allowing us to note that our charm and manipulative guile remain at the top of their game.

If your messages are not being answered there is next to no doubt that you are being manipulated and this is entirely for our benefit.

Part Two examines the reason why text messages are not answered when dealing with Non Intimate Secondary Sources, Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Sources.

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46 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? – Part One”

  1. Thank you. One thing that struck me as odd was that my last narc always talked bad about his friends’ wives. He called them control freaks, obsessive, demanding, and lazy because they would phone their husbands. Of course these women would be upset because my narc would take their husbands away from their responsibilities. It seemed my narc was resentful of these women for getting in the way of his playtime.
    On a few occasions he even advised a couple of his friends to leave their women, much to my anger. I asked in utter disbelief: “Seriously?!? You of all people with your track record and long list of shattered hearts and broken homes, are now Dr. Phill and giving marriage advice when you’ve never even been responsible enough to get married??”

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  2. I love how you call the phone mission control because that is exactly what it is for them. Brilliant HG, just Brilliant. I can’t look at my co-workers phone without thinking that is his Mission Control. He in fact has two – one work phone, one personal. God knows what goes through both of those but he does ignore many messages from people here claiming he has his phone on Do Not Disturb… More like Do Not Disturb me now because you aren’t important.

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      1. HG
        4 phones? That surprised me. Do your women only know of 1? Now that’s quiet a headgame with 4! All working numbers? You carry them all? A literal walking jingle bell and you hate Christmas!

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      2. Ha ha. I tend to have two with me most of the time and the other two locked away and brought out when required. Yes there are all working numbers.

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      3. Pretty easy ANN.

        Only certain people are given the number for a particular phone so if there is a call or message to that one, I know why.
        One is for work.
        One is for blog consultations.
        One is for devaluing and hoovers
        One is for seductions and golden periods.

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      4. HG
        I am busting up on how organized your phone behavior is. I am sure the 2 that are locked up are work and blog. Oh the different kinds of fuel in the devalue phone and the golden period. I have a headache thinking of the mess. Are the cases different color so you don’t throw a devalue to some poor women in the golden! You fascinated me.

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      5. Hi SII, just so you know
        1. Work is silver
        2. Blog is white
        3. Devalue/hoover is black
        4. Seduction and golden period is……..gold

        When I had a blackberry I changed the led so that it glowed a different colour dependent on who had texted me, so I could cast a furtive glance inside my jacket pocket and know whether to ignore or answer in an instant.

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      6. Wow!
        Speechless and that’s rare. Should I go back and read the lie blog or are you serious? Fascinating. The things packed so tight in your cranium. No wonder you don’t sleep!!
        I called the color in the case devalue and golden before you told me. However, I seconded guessed gold for golden. I can’t see that matching your tailored suits. I am just saying. I would not put gold with my tiny black dress.

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      7. I thank you for that because I am already spinning my wheels. The amount of organized behavior, can only been done if your not emotionally tied down. I no that as fact because I do live most of my time in my brain. In my job I have to. I can do a great job because I am emotionally unattached.

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      8. Those phones are just in your suit pockets and briefcase HG. Where are the rest? Lol

        I did love that article!!!! This happened frequently to me and this is another red flag to be brought up to the younger generation. I need a list to take to the high schools. I can see many girls just starting to date and falling into this trap.

        It never occurred to me what she was saying about me when her phone kept buzzing every 2 seconds because I couldn’t stand it. That was interesting to see. She was telling people I was crazy from the beginning.

        Do you hang up on your IP’s for fuel? I fell for that too. Then when I called back it went to voicemail. I was stunned and gave her the reaction that she sought out. It was effective.

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      9. Oh yes, watch out for the power of the hang up when I address the use of the telephone call in the narcissistic dynamic. Your experience just underlines the power that is wielded by such behaviour SW.

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      10. I am obliged Love. Could you organise one for me – Tudor Towers, Prestige Boulevard, Elegant District, Major City. Thank you ta.

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  3. HG,

    Do you admit to the primary your hooking that you are indeed in a relationship? Do you admit your committed? Do you lead us to believe its a relationship without really admitting it. So we stew about what kind of relationship we have with you? This could go either way. You either admit it’s something you have with only the us so we can sink into you. You could also lead us to sink into you but also leave us feeling insecure by not admitting a relationship but acting as if it is and don’t ever admit it. This can be hard for an empath but Im sure you know that. We like security and we can be left feeling vulnerable and not liking that as we sink into you we are aware of no real commitment. This allows your actions to be without fault when there is no commitment.

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    1. Hello SII, it depends on the circumstances. Sometimes it is worthwhile doing in order to play the ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ or ‘i am in a relationship but she is abusive and I am trying to get out’ it depends on the individual being targeted and what intelligence is garnered during the initial interactions. Your observations are indeed valid.

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      1. HG

        This is an interesting statement as it is very true. My mother was great at this.
        When I walked away from everything with my mother 7 years ago. I went NC, not even realizing what I was doing.
        My mother never tried any hoovers but she was aware that I was putting pieces together.
        I believe she new my memory was very blocked of the abuse and she silenced my family from talking.
        Three years ago she heard from a family member that I was in intense therapy and I was seeing things more clearly.
        In those 3 years she lost her mother and sisters because of all the sick behavior. The kids have been gone for along time. My dad is to sick to fight her.
        A year ago she sent a tiny inheritance check. I thanked her told her I would put it toward therapy. Have not heard or had a Hoover since.
        Could she fear that her family is putting pieces together?
        If so and she has lost all her grown kids and husband. Who is she going to turn to.
        She will wither in the fetal position, the rest of her life won’t she? The monster will still be speaking to her daily won’t it? Wow is this some clarity and a revelation

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  4. When we’re confused by the silent treatment, many of us google it – that’s when we initially find about Narcissism.

    How do you this will effect the Narcissists as time goes by – especially with more and more of us going No Contact much earlier than expected?

    Will that change the game at all? And make it less interesting for your kind since the discard may not happen as planned?
    Thank you

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    1. Hello Hope,

      Yes the silent treatment does appear to be a major ‘route’ to learning about narcissism. There will be more written on this in future.

      I think the impact on our kind will be minimal because there are so many people who have no idea about us (see the articles No Good Advice and the Unstoppable March of the Lovefrauds) even with more empathic people becoming warned there is much much more to do before it has further impact.

      I have no concerns about the game. It will always remain rewarding and enjoyable.

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  5. Silent treatment has me willing to just chuck the phone and try to live without, or go back to the vintage flip phone that makes calls

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  6. This happened to me at first but he never texted me when we were dating not often at least which concerned my father and he found rare if he was so interesting b T if he had to make a joke or he was mad nobody could shut him up except me unless he really wanted an argument what I world go is let him finish until I talked again and shut him up it’s true what they say that you better answer quick with a sociopath before they speak or they will instantly leave you have to have a quick answer or else they’ll get bored or move in into something else weather us more interesting or what ever that has been my experience with a sociopathic narc I mean my pathetically fat ex so yeah I feel so much better every time I insult him and I’m tired of dealing and hank god he’s GO e is too much work and another babbling Spaniard moron got to him hahhaha that’s revenge my friend RECENGE pathetic loser hahhaha tomorrow I’m having a divorce party who wants to join ? I’ll cry I’ll laugh but it’ll be better for me

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  7. Hi HT, the seduction is a game of entertainment? Can I get her?Will she bit? You act like you are so into us. At first We are not so into you, BUT you are soothing us with the bonding tricks you do to get us to let down our wall, YOU tell us, I’m a good guy you can trust me. So then there is a MOMENT we believe that you maybe for real. You had a bad marriage, you are a hard working single dad. Always, traveling alone for work. You feel like women want to own you, SO I hear what you are saying and want to show you, I am different. I start giving and caring for you. You future fake, giving us fantasy words with NO action. Oh we are great in and out of the bedroom, I wish I met you ten years ago. THEN after almost 3year I find out. YOU have a secret double life. A 13year relationship. YOU are never alone traveling, you have someone to care for you.YOU have a blended family life. YOUR GF is your main supply, WHO protects you. SHE knows everything, YOU won’t leave her,YOU need her to have a normal life to the outside world. SHE the main supply, who protects you. YOU give her your disgarded supply, once they found out about her. YOU are done with them. SHE then abuses the women, who did NOT know the truth. SHE is just as sick as him. SHE aids him, of allowing him to abuse women.SHE is worse then him. He is Charlie Manson, and she helps him to keep doing what he has been doing to women for Years…..Then ANGER comes up. I was his and hers worse night mare. BUT they keep going on. SHE will do anything to protect her kingdom, of traveling, money spent on her THE look as they are the perfect couple. I was of many of his Harem of women. Thank you

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  8. I am simply amazed on what you can a accomplish with a telephone.
    Is seems that you could dedicate a whole book to this subject.
    Are you writing a book or a series of articles?

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      1. Do you write in the same room in your house all the time? You must have a very organized work space and do you lock it? Do you have a routine for writing? Drink the same beverage or listen to the same classical music?
        I picture you relaxed when you write HG.

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      2. Yes I do. It is tidy and I am a proponent of a clear desk. Yes the study door is locked.
        My routine is to perform a sacrifice on my marble altar, drink a delightful glass of Chablis but only one glass, play Moonlight Sonata on the piano to limber up my fingers, twirl my moustache thrice, stride purposefully around my bone and obsidian desk wither shins three times and then as the first strains of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor begin I lower myself into my throne of gold and Tyrian Purple and away I go.

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  9. Lmao! Now that I’m crawling out from the fog, I think it’s extremely immature and flat out silly that N’s play the phone/message game. Yes, this happened to me word for word. The seduction is highly addictive and I always bragged about how I don’t have an addictive personality. I realized quickly that I’m HIGHLY addicted to the N’s seduction phase and it took three complete cycles of narcissistic abuse to finally realize what the hell I was dealing with and made the decision to wean myself off him. In seduction, the messages were full force all day all night. Future faking, love confessions, sexual, emotional etc. It wasn’t too odd since I’ve known him for years. He’s always said he had feelings for me and vice versa but nothing ever materialized and now I know why. I just expected the messages to come in constantly then one day, nothing. I soon realized he went back to his primary supply, his wife. I now know at this time, he was spending all of his energy seducing her. I confronted him via text and called him names and that’s when he finally responded. He blamed me for being psychotic and didn’t know why I was so upset. Okay, fine. But, soon enough…he grew bored with her and we picked up with messaging again and the story repeats itself and ends with yet another silent treatment. I guess you would call my married narc friend very skillful in his trade. I say this because each time he began a new seduction phase, he would try a different tactic to pull me into him. The very first seduction phase, it was all about getting me to leave my boyfriend. He was obsessed with him. I was already broken up with him but was still living with him due to financial issues. It was constantly “He’s a dick. He’s controlling. You need to leave him. He treats you like crap. I hate him. Leave him!” The constantly love bombing and future faking made me believe that I could have a better life with the N as he told me he would NEVER go back to his wife. He promised me often that he wouldn’t. Ha! Such a dope I am. So guess what? I finally moved out of my ex’s house and Narcie boy moves IN with his wife in the same week! The second seduction round had pepperings of that in it but it was mostly based on jealousy and control “You don’t love me as much as I love you.” “You talk to too many guys and I don’t like that.” “I miss you so much..you don’t miss me.” I was constantly trying to prove to him that my feelings were sincere and that I loved and worshiped him. The final seduction phase (and I say final because I would rather jump in a great white shark’s mouth before I put myself through another round of this shit) was all about his psychotic bipolar controlling abusive wife and that he can’t leave her because she will ruin his life. “Whenever I do try to leave her, she tries to kill herself.” “She will ruin my new relationships and the girl will leave me.” “She will steal my possessions and titles and computers and hide them on me.” “I need you to save me from her.” He actually texted me “please help me.” Christ, he even suggested I stalk her and sneak up behind her and beat her up! What normal person with actual feelings talks about his wife like this? So, at this point, I started to research NPD and realized he had this disorder. I tested out a little trick during our last seduction phase. I waited out as much as I could to avoid messaging him. I always messaged him during the night and he would respond once he turned his phone back on in the morning. But the night prior, I didn’t send him a message and it wasn’t until 2:30pm the next day that I get a message from him looking for supply “Hi, no love today. What are you doing sexy?” I tried to wait it out longer but I just couldn’t and responded that I was busy at work. It is so damn true that just a simple text or message will set the mood and they know this.

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  10. Well, call me dumb. I divorced this N i was with but it broke my heart. After a year ( even to the pointof wanting to end my life) He recently came forward to say he has missed me and will not make same mistakes again. I am wondering if its a financial bind he could be in because mentioned IF we get back together I could sell my house and put the money in savings. He lives with his mother who has dementia. ( has a spoiled 15 year old dau too which he allows her drug mother back into his /hers life when his dau asks for her.). Why do i love him so much but get treated this way? Accusing me of our breakup. Yes i know , im a dummy.

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  11. This site has helped a lot. I thought I was going crazy, I nearly lost my house and my husband, kids. I was never it seems intended for an affair he wanted something else from me and worked for me but the pattern of the texts is identical (like im reading my own last 6 months) how it made me feel is bang on, the bad and the good. I reacted, he even lost his phone for two weeks, I didn’t question his excuse. I believed I had a special friend. He has also made it clear that he has a powerful smear on me should he need it, to protect himself. Many people believe I have had a breakdown and bombarded him and a lot of what he has on his phone is not from are not from me! Now I no better. I know what this is. No validation I have behave badly and hurt people but I will no try and prove his involvement and give him fuel. He wont get near me again.

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