Drunk With Fatigue

drunk-with-fatigue

 

Are you reading this through bleary eyes as you desperately await the effect of a caffeine boost to kick start your weary self into life to endure another day? Perhaps you can vividly recall that drained sensation that haunted you and that nagging ache which was ever present behind your eyeballs? The need to close your eyes and slip into a deep and restful slumber. All you wanted to do was to close your eyes and allow the tiredness to evaporate and shrouded in the amnesiac qualities of sleep you would be given respite from the nightmare that enveloped you. Yet, you were never able to achieve that sleep. Your near permanent anxiety meant that as you lay in bed you were tensed, ready to respond to the next jibe or manipulation. You heard a click. Was that me exiting the study at long last and coming to the bedroom or was it just the house settling? You were hyper vigilant and you cannot now recall how long that state had existed but you did know that it caused a nightly battle where you tried to sleep but each sound made you twitch and ready yourself. Sometimes you must have fallen asleep, such was the extent of your exhaustion and you dreamed and then suddenly you awoke. What had happened? Why did you awake so suddenly? You twist and see me there lying fast asleep, unburdened by any concerns. Even now you want to reach out and touch me in the hope that my hand will be placed on your shoulder and then my arm will envelope you, making you feel safe and secure, like it once did. You have learned not to reach out though for the consequences of waking me from my rest are not worth experiencing again. Instead, your shaking hand retreated and you turned to look at the clock and you sighed with resignation as you realised that the fitful sleep you had endured was only about an hour in length.

You lay there, eyes stinging and head heavy giving thanks that it was not one of those nights where I repeatedly jabbed you in the back to stop you sleeping. How did I manage to do that and then bound from the bed refreshed and revitalised as you rose like a zombie? How had I been able to interrupt your sleep through the night by prodding you and yet I was energetic? Was I sleeping during the day like some vampire hiding from the sunlight? At least this time I am sleeping and you have been spared the intermittent prod in the small of your back. It is a small mercy since the questions and thoughts race around your mind, as they always do in the dead of night. Why is this happening? What has gone wrong? Why am I doing this? When will it end? How can you stop it? Should you ask me to talk about it or will that risk another argument? How much more can you take? When did you last sleep properly? These questions and more besides whirl around in your mind, having taken a hold in your head. Your eyes flick to the silent television set in the corner of the room and you debate watching something, anything, just to break the relentless churning in your skull, but even with the volume set at barely audible you know it will disturb me and then it will be your fault again.

You look to the door now closed. You managed to resist a lock being fitted to the bedroom door, wary of what further horrors might be unleashed against you if your exit was barred but each day you fear that on your return that you will see an invoice from a joiner on the kitchen table and a lock has been fitted. You ponder whether you should head downstairs and see if sleep will come on the sofa or at least you can put the headphones on and listen to a radio play or some music. That would provide some sanctuary but yet again, as if possessed of some sixth sense, you know that I will appear and demand to know what you are doing downstairs in the middle of the night. No matter how deeply I appear to be sleeping it as if I sense your absence and come looking for you. It is then that you face the accusations of texting some man behind my back even though your ‘phone is not to hand. It does not matter what the facts are does it? I always find a way of twisting the blame on to you. No, you cannot steal downstairs and instead you must remain board stiff in bed as your eyes watch the incessant march of time and sleep remains evasive. You can feel the hammering of your heart in your chest. Even though nothing is happening and all is quiet and still, that sense of foreboding remains. A cold hand of dread has gripped your heart and squeezes, driving the breath from your body and causing anxiety to spread across you. Perhaps you ought to see the doctor and see if he will prescribe something for this? You will need to do it without my knowledge otherwise I shall accuse you of attention-seeking by going to the doctor without consulting me first. I, of course, know what is best for you and I screen everything you do before determining whether I shall allow it. You know you ought to fight against it but you are so tired, so weary and you need what little strength remains to help you navigate a way throughout the day without treading on a mine and causing an explosion of fury. It is getting harder. You forget things now. Your memory used to be excellent or at least you think it did. Even thinking is becoming arduous and sometimes you just sit, staring into space, caught somewhere between wakefulness and hypnosis. If only one night of rest could come, if only this anxiety, this fear, this wariness would leave you and let you gain some strength, then you would not make the mistakes and I would not be angry. Perhaps then we could be as we used to be. You can still remember that and hope with all your heart that somehow this situation can be retrieved. You never felt tired then. You never walked with a shuffle or placed the milk in the dishwasher in error. You did not forget you were baking something until the acrid smell of smoke jolted you from your daydreaming and had you running into the kitchen, cursing your foolishness and immediately wondering if you could cook a fresh batch before I came home and witnessed another of your failures.

The clock shows 5am and sleep has evaded you once more. The dull throb in the centre of your forehead remains. You would have to be up in an hour anyway. There is no point trying to sleep now. You can see the first rind of dawn trying to permeate through the curtains and another day has arrived. You may as well rise and weave through this day, whichever day it is, is it Wednesday or Thursday? You cannot quite remember. You slide your feet from the bed and sit up, glancing at me over your shoulder, back now turned to you, my body rising and falling in a steady rhythm as I sleep on, oblivious to your exhaustion. You stand and sway a little as you ready yourself for another day of feeling drunk with fatigue.

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45 thoughts on “Drunk With Fatigue”

  1. “You have learned not to reach out though for the consequences of waking me from my rest are not worth experiencing again. Instead, your shaking hand retreated ”

    So very spot on. 🙁 I felt like I was too much and engulfing him even when just being in the same room, after our children were born. Tried to make myself as small and invisible as possible.
    Until i finally escaped, for the sake of the kids.

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  2. Sleep deprivation is used in interrogation and torture… Interesting how narcs unconsciously know this and use it as a weapon.

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  3. So when did you get your rest HG? The ex used to sleep deprive me also during the night. Rolling over was like he was jumping fences. Just to keep on disturbing me. Sooo?????

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      1. Thanks HG. Yes, come to think of it, I have read before that you said that. God! They (the narcs) dont miss a trick do they? NRN. 🙂

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      2. Now that is something that I noticed when it comes to my narcs in particular… is that they can get up and get going after just a few hours of sleep, but when it comes to me after sleeping for a few hours I behave like the narcissist when they start raging because I’m mad like a bear . My former narc bestfriend before I knew she was a narc used to say ” I can never go to sleep, and when I do it’s not that long.” She hardly slept, was always on the go, and was and still is a workaholic. I always thought that was strange, although I am the vampire who sleeps during the day for like 9-10 hours and wide awake working at night.

        When it came down to my narc relatives whom I have already went no contact with, there would be times they would want to disturb and ask for the stupidest things while I was sleeping…Then when I would get ticked off with them they would say I was mean, nasty, and accused me of being crazy.

        For the narc relatives who would come to visit from out of town for some reason would always want to knock on my door loudly and say for an example “you need to get up.” I would be so glad when they went back home because I couldn’t stand having my life turned upside down! My narc relatives would always want to barge and come in take over where I lived.

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  4. So I’ve had a thought following this, my narc and I had planned a trip a few months back, on the morning we were leaving I didn’t hear from him until late afternoon (he didn’t answer my call) I got a sense something was wrong and didn’t bombard him with calls or texts and just waited to hear from him… it took the whole day and really there was no actual reason for him not showing up when he did text, he said he didn’t think he was well, I requested he call me and explain what had happened, he didn’t call so I took this as a cowardly way of him losing interest in me and so I sent him a text saying I wished him all the best but wasn’t willing to let myself be treated like that, he followed up with some other texts which I deleted because I couldnt make any sense of them (one was a cartoon picture which was really weird) he also then sent a series of nasty messages, anything nasty he sent I replied by something positive, so if he said he hated me I’d reply to him he would never get my hate and I wished him happiness in his future, or if he said he hated my coat I’d reply I like his one and not to worry because I wasn’t going to ask him to wear mine (sounds so childish writing it but that’s the level of text conversation we had at the end, I think the coat comment came because he knows I love clothes and this was a new expensive coat that I was wearing in my whatsapp pic) we lost touch and that suited me fine, but he’s back in touch recently and has since been blocked from everything.

    So was HG, was he putting me through a test by not showing up or was it an actual discard? I always just thought it was a cowardly way of breaking up but now I’m wondering if he was testing me to see how much I would put up with …. the trip cancellation was the first big upset between us, but now that I’m looking back it followed a series of events where he started cancelling dinners or just arriving 30mins late, he had also taken to taking hours to reply to a text…. so to me at the time he was just being a jerk, I didn’t realise what I was part of at the time, the only thing I would say is he rarely got me angry because I could almost see he was trying to…and that to me made me feel sorry for him I thought it was more like a cry for help, and I’d try to be kinder… obvi now I’d have run for the hills but at the time I knew nothing of NPD… looking back I might have set myself up as a pretty good supplier of positive fuel? 😖

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  5. During the first month I spent the night with him and I had an awful nightmare that demons were in his house and we’re trying to kill me . I woke up with a migraine which is rare because I never get them and the migraine lasted for three days straight . After I helped him move into his apartment I dreamed that there were boards on the windows and the words keep out was written on them .

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    1. Your dreams are powerful Starr. When I first met the last two I encountered I had nightmares of them trying to kill me. I kicked one of them out at like 3 am because the feeling was so powerful. Always listen to your dreams.

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  6. Every time I read this it really pi££es me off .

    Even when he eventually came to bed usually in the small hours of the morning he was a control freak . If I was in the spare room he’d wake me up & ask me to get in the main bed. If I was in the main bed he’d turn the light on, not a bedside lamp ( nice & bright )

    One he’d got into bed the poking & the prodding would start , he’d pull the duvet off or thrust his weight against my back so I ended up with two inches of the mattress, out of frustration I’d end up back in the spare room in a freezing cold bed wide awake ! .. And still the next day he’d always be up and about before me ..

    It must be a narc thing not needing a lot of sleep .. Another good reason to stay happily single & loving it 🙂

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  7. Starr dreams can tell you many things. Interpreting them can be tricky at times.

    lowprofile7777 I find your comment interesting as to messages from God. Can you elaborate on this?

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    1. Well the God of the Bible which is my God who is known as Jehovah (which is his name in the Bible) was/is known to warn people through dreams and visions of things to come in the future, about other people, and situations that a person is facing.

      I in particular can name a particular dream out of several dreams I’ve had that came to past. The dream was regarding my former bestfriend (a narcissist) and I believe the first dream about her had taken a place around 2007 or 2008 and in the dream I seen that she hated me and the look on her face and eyes were of pure evil and it shook me up afterwards.. After I had awaken I couldn’t understand why I had that dream and I thought it was false because we were still close at the time or at least I thought we were. After that for several years after I had about 3 more dreams regarding the ex best friend hating me. One of the other dreams was about her staring at me across a big parking lot and she had the look of hatred and despised me…Well fast forward to 2015 and that is when I went no contact with her because slowly but surely after those dreams she showed her true colors.

      Another dream I had was about one of my family members (who has psychopathy) and in the dream he had what looked like a baseball collectors card sitting right next to him and I knew it was his card in the dream. I reached over and picked the card up and on the back of the card it said “Black magic arts” which was in big, black, bold print…Sure enough I later found out that he was/is into black magic and he was using it to try to destroy me and another family member. I know these dreams were definitely from God. I remember one time in particular I prayed about something and it was revealed to me through another family member in a dream she had.

      Below is one biblical example regarding dreams from God. I hope this helps.

      Acts 2:17

      17 “‘In the last days, God says,
      I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
      Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
      your young men will see visions,
      your old men will dream dreams.

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      1. LP777,
        Hello. I am an ordained minister and I am delighted to see that you know God’s name is Jehovah. (Psalm 83:18, Joel 2:32) Most people are unaware of that and since it has been taken out of most bible translations or replaced with the title LORD or GOD in all uppercase letters, it is interesting to see you use it. It is usually found in the forward or glossary sections in most bible versions or bible translations except The New World Translation which is the most accurate translation of the bible to date. That translation restores the divine name to it’s rightful position which is where it has been removed or substituted over 6,000 times. I wondered if you could tell me how you came to know his name?

        With regard to your comment about dreams being prophetic. I would like to ask you how this scripture relates to the cohesiveness of the rest of the bible?
        I see it this way. In Acts 2:17 the apostle Peter is speaking to a group of people at Pentecost 33 C.E. Holy Spirit had been poured out on Jesus disciples enabling them to speak in understandable foreign languages in order to preach to others that were foreigners who were in the city for the celebration of Pentecost. Now Peter in Acts 2: 17 is actually quoting from (Joel 2:28,29) The scriptures at Joel are prophetic to Pentecost 33 C.E. So that prophecy is being fulfilled as Peter is telling the crowd.

        Having received the holy spirit, the disciples in Jerusalem lost no time in sharing the good news of salvation with others, beginning with the crowd who had gathered that morning. Their preaching fulfilled a remarkable prophecy, recorded eight centuries earlier by Joel, the son of Pethuel: “I shall pour out my spirit on every sort of flesh, and your sons and your daughters will certainly prophesy. As for your old men, dreams they will dream. As for your young men, visions they will see. And even on the menservants and on the maidservants in those days I shall pour out my spirit . . . before the coming of the great and fear-inspiring day of Jehovah.”—Joel 1:1; 2:28, 29, 31; Acts 2:17, 18, 20.

        In what sense did first-century Christians prophesy?
        When Jehovah appointed Moses and Aaron to speak to Pharaoh in behalf of his people, He told Moses: “I have made you God to Pharaoh, and Aaron your own brother will become your prophet.” (Exodus 7:1) Aaron served as a prophet, not in the sense of foretelling future events, but by becoming Moses’ spokesman, or mouthpiece.

        Did this mean that God was going to raise up a whole generation of prophets, both male and female, in the manner of David, Joel, and Deborah, and use them to foretell future events? No. Christian ‘sons and daughters, menservants and maidservants’ would prophesy in the sense that they would be impelled by Jehovah’s spirit to declare “the magnificent things” that Jehovah had done and would still do. So they would serve as spokesmen for the Most High.—Hebrews 1:1, 2. This work is still going on today (Matthew 24:14). That is how that scripture relates to prophesying.

        As far as dreams are concerned….
        Yes, God did communicate with some people through dreams. But the Bible indicates that this was quite rare. Dreams were never the principal form of divine communication. There were many faithful servants of God who never received messages from God in dreams. God’s use of dreams to communicate with man can be compared to His parting of the Red Sea. We know that he did it once, but that is certainly not his usual way of dealing with his people.—Exodus 14:21.

        The apostle Paul acknowledged that in his day God’s spirit was operating on his servants in many extraordinary ways. Paul said: “To one there is given through the spirit speech of wisdom, to another speech of knowledge according to the same spirit, to another faith by the same spirit, to another gifts of healings by that one spirit, to yet another operations of powerful works, to another prophesying, to another discernment of inspired utterances, to another different tongues, and to another interpretation of tongues.” (1 Corinthians 12:8-10) Although divinely inspired dreams are not specifically mentioned, a number of Christians evidently received divinely inspired dreams as one of the gifts of the spirit in fulfillment of Joel 2:28.—Acts 16:9, 10.

        However, the apostle said regarding these special gifts: “Whether there are gifts of prophesying, they will be done away with; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will be done away with.” (1 Corinthians 13:8) Evidently included among the gifts that would be “done away with” were the various forms of divine communication. After the death of the apostles, God ceased to impart these special gifts to his servants. Another reason that those gifts are unnecessary today is that we have the complete bible which equips us for any situation in life.
        (2 Timothy 3:16, 17).

        Today experts are still trying to understand the process of dreaming and whether it has a practical function. The Bible sheds no light on such issues. However, to those who insist on seeking divine communications in their dreams, the Bible does provide a warning. At Zechariah 10:2, it states: “The practicers of divination, . . . valueless dreams are what they keep speaking.” God also warns against looking for omens. (Deuteronomy 18:10-12) In light of these warnings, Christians today do not expect to receive divine guidance in their dreams. Rather, they view dreams simply as something experienced during sleep.

        So, after those refrences and how they correlate with your beliefs, do you think that there are still prophetic dreams being used by God to warn people?

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  8. I am constantly sleep-deprived. It started during the three very intense years I had with my ex narc. It has been more than 15 years now and I sitll cannot sleep like a normal person. But I do not give him all the credit, it is also me.
    HG, the images you use for your articles never cease to amaze me. Don’t help my insomnia. I wonder where you get them from.

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  9. Thank you lowprofile7777 yes God does use dreams but so does the devil.

    Dreams can be a touchy subject as this could also be the subconscious coming to the surface to. Telling you what you already know and don’t want to accept consciously.

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    1. I remember one dream from my childhood. A vampire came out of the television and silently walked down the hall into my brothers room and then mine and my sisters. It stood on the doorway and just stared. This is the most important dream I have ever had. If it was even a dream..

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    2. I agree a million percent DFA a dream can be definitely from the Devil! Dreams are touchy subject and we have to exercise caution when trying to discern their meanings. Well said! 🙂

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      1. lowprofile7777 Thank you, Yes discerning which is which can be difficult due to people love the comfort of the lies they tell themselves. And ones belief system.

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  10. Damn I just split my drink on my keyboard HG, thought of the movie The Ring. Scared the hell out of my best friend.

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      1. The Punisher lol my poor poor keyboard, hmmm I have been thinking of getting a new one, decision has been made.
        Didnt they make a second one?

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      1. ABB I was under the understanding women couldn’t be a minister? Then again he was a controlling “Christian” narcissist. Irony thou if our daughter had lived that would have been interesting to watch him dance around that one. Oh wait I would have be a harlot that ensnared him with my words of suduction and he just couldn’t resist the sins of the flesh. I am not that good with words

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      2. DFA,

        A person who decides to become a minister may undergo several different processes to be ordained, depending on which religion and denomination he chooses. Ordination is the preparation people undergo in order to be a minister and perform certain religious rituals and ceremonies affiliated with the organization.

        Females can be ordained as long as they are practicing in accordance with God’s laws and principles.
        In the religion that I believe in women can and do teach.
        The bible has numerous accounts where women were in a position to teach. The problem is most is most church teachings, which are different from bible teachings, vary and do not allow women to teach.
        According to the bible at Psalm 68:11 there are a large army of women teaching the message of God.
        It’s too bad he used religion to manipulate you. Too bad I don’t know you in person, I would have helped you nail him on the subject….lol

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      3. Thank you ABB lol He wouldn’t have like that.
        I took most of what he did to me and turned it positive, the beauty of my stubbornness.

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      4. I am humbled that you would say this Blue Lips, the way I see things many more are better then I.

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