The Six Phases of Fuelling

 

the-six-phasesof-fuelling

Fuel is our lifeblood. Whether it is positive fuel from admiration, delight and love or negative fuel from hatred, anger or upset, we want fuel. There are many, many different ways in which we will manipulate you, many different machinations, some wonderful and others terrible, that we will use against you to extract fuel from you. These different methods appear during the six phases of fuelling.

  1. Seduction

A period when everything is rosy in the garden. We are the most wonderful person you could ever meet. Kind, considerate, amusing and entertaining. We are generous with time or money, sometimes both. We are impressive in terms of our achievements, our abilities, the people that we know, the places that we have been and we just happen to like all the things that you like as well as we engage in our tried and trusted practice of mirroring. If we have chosen you to be our intimate partner we will be gushing with love as we sweep you off your feet with borrowed love quotes, gifts and sensational love-making. It is irresistible and you will succumb to this intense love-bombing whether we want you as our partner in love, friend, trusted colleague or reliable family member. Our seduction is powerful, effective and is aimed at getting you hooked on us as we begin to drink from your positive fuel that you will provide to us during the golden period.

  1. Devaluation

In this second phase we have found your positive fuel has lost its potency. You are no longer providing us with the earnest and amazing admiration that we require and this is entirely your fault. The consequence of this is that we must continue to draw fuel in order to sustain our existence and now we must do this by extracting a contrasting fuel, negative fuel. This is derived by treating you badly, meting out silent treatments, shouting at you, provoking you and unleashing the whole malevolent content of our Devil’s Toolkit against you. We want you to shout insults at us in anger, we want you to plead with us to stop our torment of you, we want to see you sob in desperation at our continued abuse of you. Tears, frustration, anger and hatred are all delicious emotions which will fuel us and they provide such a magnificent and stark contrast to all of the positive fuel that you once gave that the effect for us is considerably edifying and invigorating.

  1. Respite

 

We do not want to keep the devaluation in place all of the time otherwise you will break too soon and deprive us of our primary source of fuel. Accordingly, the third phase is one where we allow you some respite from the devaluation. We reinstate the golden period and you provide us with relief tinged positive fuel. This is of an excellent quality as it is heightened by your relief and joy at returning to the golden period. It also allows us to convince you that the golden period can be resurrected so you will not leave us and instead keep trying to recover it. We will alternate between devaluing you and offering you respite, back and forth between these two states in order to confuse you and keep you in situ. The contrast between treating you well and treating you badly also provides us with a greater degree of fuel as your emotions are pushed and pulled by us. This phase may last for years as we move you back and forth, one week everything is wonderful and then you are plunged into a fortnight of awful treatment with you completely bewildered as to why this is happening.

  1. Preventative 

You may be pushed to a point of no return. You may have received some outside help from a friend or a professional who understands what is actually happening to you or it may be that you do not know what is happening but you know that you cannot allow it to continue any longer. In such a situation when you warn us that you are thinking of leaving us or that you intend to end our relationship we will instigate the preventative phase. This is designed to stop you from going. We will provide a massive dose of the golden period but we will also ally it with promises to mend our ways, seek help and change. None of it is meaningful but it is a desperate measure to prevent you from leaving us. We decide when we no longer want you, you are not superior to us and therefore you are not allowed, in our minds, to make this decision. By applying these preventative moves, which might be seeking pity, forgiveness, understanding and sympathy, we aim to stop your departure and then drink deep of the fuel that you will provide as you soothe away our concern, responding favourably to our stated intention to better ourselves. Your delight at hearing us say these things provides us with further fuel.

  1. Benign Return

Whether you escaped us or we cast you to one side through one of our callous discards we will also seek fuel through the benign return. Similar to the preventative stage but this takes place after there has been a cessation in our relationship. You try to stay away from us or you have been trying to get back with us but we have kept you at arms’ length for some time until we decide that we want your positive fuel once again and we approach you taking you back. We may seek forgiveness, express we made mistakes, that we were not thinking clearly and so on, all done in order to con you into resurrecting the relationship. If we ended it, you will return with joyful open arms. If you ended it, you will return delighted you have got us to agree to making changes. Of course nothing changes. It is all about the fuel and as you respond in a favourable manner, admiring us again, expressing your love and gratitude, portraying relief we will take all this fuel.

  1. Malign Return

 

This also takes place post cessation of the relationship. You may have ended it and resisted out attempts to hoover you back in. We may have ended it and you want to return to the fold but we will not let you as we have a replacement. In either instance we will not forgo the opportunity to extract additional fuel from you by continuing to administer terrible and hurtful manipulations against you. We may no longer be in a relationship but this will not stop us from lashing out, lying about you, invoking the assistance of others as we smear your name and doing everything we can on a repeated basis to cause you to become angry and upset and thus provide us with fuel. You may not have heard from us for some time but there will be some trigger, some opportunity and whilst we may not want you back or we may be unable to cause you to come back, we will still look to provoke an emotional reaction from you and obtain fuel. It is always about the fuel.

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47 thoughts on “The Six Phases of Fuelling”

  1. I find it hard to accept that anyone can feel justified in destroying others – what a spiteful and cruel thing to do.
    We are not toys.
    We are human beings that are affected so badly that it could drive people to suicide.
    I resent it.
    Pain has changed me.
    I’m never going to heal from it.
    Narcs get their “fix” hurting others and that’s pure evil.

    If you can’t play nice then you shouldn’t play at all – wise words to follow eh…..

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    1. Hello Dawn, destruction is not the end game. If you are destroyed you will not provide fuel and that is no good to me.

      Yes I understand your last comment but we have to play, we always have to play, that is the way we have been created.

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  2. Can you help me understand if I am experiencing #5? I escaped several wks ago and have been NC since. His Hoover’s went from once a week to 7-8 times recently, as it turns out was leading up to being in town.

    Do I assume
    1) he is low on supply?
    2) was hoping to restart the relationship or at least just temporarily?

    I just can’t make sense of why his Hoover’s have increased so much. I’ve remained out of all spheres of influence.

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    1. 1. I agree his fuel is low; and
      2. I suspect he does want to resume the Formal Relationship.

      You are clearly appearing in the sixth sphere SA and he is gaining encouragement to hoover in this manner. How are the hoovers manifesting?

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      1. HG,

        Thank you for your comment. The hoover’s are repeated texts, mostly nice and complimentary. A couple sound aggravated and annoyed. He is in town (he lives far away) so I suspect that’s what has put me in the 64th sphere.

        The texts have made me miss him so and I have come so close to responding but so far I have refrained. I assume he is just manipulating me? I wish it was because he genuinely missed me.

        Thank you as always for all your help my dear HG and I do hope you are well. Xo

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      2. He is manipulating you SA.

        Stay firm.

        Your emotional responses are understandable. And what he is counting on.

        I am excellent well thank you for your kind enquiry and you are welcome.

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      3. Oh my dear HG how I need your brilliant mind.

        N called today and BEGGED me to come see him. Literally begged. To make things right, to apologize, to explain, to clarify etc.

        Why is he so desperate? I don’t think I should meet him right?

        Many thanks glorious N, xo

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  3. You don’t have to play… you choose to play.
    A wolf amongst the lambs.
    I offer nothing now to my ex because his destruction of me is complete.
    It’d be like poking a stick into a dying body.
    Still, there’s plenty more suckers out there for narcs to mind f**k eh?!!
    So I suppose the loss of ‘his required fuel’ from my broken heart and mind isn’t a major deal to Satan’s spawn.
    Do you feel comradary with your kind HG?
    I’m still eager for a response on “bitter” if you’d be kind enough to answer that. 😬

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  4. Do you like yourself?
    Do you get tired of this?
    Do you resent us for NOT needing to behave this way to go through life? Would you rather be yourself or someone with a conscience?
    Or do you feel you ARE better than an empath?

    The ways you describe about how and why you derive the fuel you need, I had actually theorized about my narc; but explaining that to those who had never experienced his wrath..made me sound crazy.
    And deep down, I didn’t want to be right about my theory. It would have been easier to accept that I was overreacting and even crazy, than to accept that I was with someone who would rather see me commit suicide under his manipulative coercion than to just move on because he is just using me for some sick pleasure. He was altruistic. A covert. ‘The Greater’. It’s so creepy knowing there are people out there like this. Even creepier, I was married to that and had no clue.

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    1. Yes I do.
      No I don’t.
      I resent having to rely on people I regard as beneath me for the very thing that sustains me.
      I am myself, this is what I choose to be.
      A conscience is a hindrance to someone like me.
      I am better than an empath but I can also see why people would say that I am not. I can understand but I won’t agree because it does not serve my purpose to agree.

      Your final paragraph is honest and interesting. You know now though of course.

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      1. Oh, how I know.

        I appreciate your response. ugghh.. appreciate the honesty. but I’m bothered that I am giving you fuel by telling you this!! I feel like I’m in a twilight zone.

        You are a ‘Greater’, correct? A covert narc? It’s probably somewhere in your blogs, I have only just come across them. You scare me. but you speak reality. And that’s what I’m here for.

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    2. Mine said once during a rage fest he had driven people to suicide. Whether he had or just wanted to sound powerful I don’t know. But creepy nonetheless.

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      1. Mine not only drove me to attempt suicide, he put the very idea of it, in my head.. As much as I don’t want to be in this world any longer, I WILL NOT give him the pleasure of knowing he orchestrated it or was the very reason for it. Creepy, yes.. and probably true in your ex’s case. I don’t put ANYTHING past them.

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      2. Hi Sail Away .

        Someone I know was driven to a suicide attempt by the narc she was with . In fact he sat & watched her take the tablets & encouraged her to take more . She was in a coma for a week ! .

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      3. Which term don’t you use? Covert? And why isn’t it applicable to you? If it’s covert, what term would you use for it and why?

        What type of fuel are you getting by the response from empaths who read your blogs and ask you questions?

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      4. Yes I don’t use the term covert. It is not applicable to me as I am a Greater. Mid-Range is closer to the concept of covert.
        Very little because if you have read Fuel you will realise that since I do not know anybody on this blog in real life and because it is through an electronic medium, anybody who posts here does as a Remote Stranger which is a low category of Proximity of Supply.

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    1. I feel no camaraderie with my kind. They are inferior to me. They would readily plunge the figurative dagger in my ribs so I will ensure I strike first.

      Yes unless something happens to cause that need to vanish.

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      1. Is everyone inferior to you?
        You do know what would cause it to vanish really don’t you!
        Spill HG x

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      2. Dawn, what do you mean when you ask ‘you do know what would cause it to vanish really, don’t you?”

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  5. Through all this turmoil with my ex, the one thing I can be thankful for is my intuition. I listen to it now (or at least am very aware of it). Its a good start. Its helped me recently, and for that I am grateful. Thanks HG. Good to see this written so clearly in black and white….no grey.

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      1. Slowly but surely HG. Slowly but surely. Thank you so much for everything. You have indeed helped me greatly!

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  6. So I’ve had a thought following this, my narc and I had planned a trip a few months back, on the morning we were leaving I didn’t hear from him until late afternoon (he didn’t answer my call) I got a sense something was wrong and didn’t bombard him with calls or texts and just waited to hear from him… it took the whole day and really there was no actual reason for him not showing up when he did text, he said he didn’t think he was well, I requested he call me and explain what had happened, he didn’t call so I took this as a cowardly way of him losing interest in me and so I sent him a text saying I wished him all the best but wasn’t willing to let myself be treated like that, he followed up with some other texts which I deleted because I couldnt make any sense of them (one was a cartoon picture which was really weird) he also then sent a series of nasty messages, anything nasty he sent I replied by something positive, so if he said he hated me I’d reply to him he would never get my hate and I wished him happiness in his future, or if he said he hated my coat I’d reply I like his one and not to worry because I wasn’t going to ask him to wear mine (sounds so childish writing it but that’s the level of text conversation we had at the end, I think the coat comment came because he knows I love clothes and this was a new expensive coat that I was wearing in my whatsapp pic) we lost touch and that suited me fine, but he’s back in touch recently and has since been blocked from everything.

    So was HG, was he putting me through a test by not showing up or was it an actual discard? I always just thought it was a cowardly way of breaking up but now I’m wondering if he was testing me to see how much I would put up with …. the trip cancellation was the first big upset between us, but now that I’m looking back it followed a series of events where he started cancelling dinners or just arriving 30mins late, he had also taken to taking hours to reply to a text…. so to me at the time he was just being a jerk, I didn’t realise what I was part of at the time, the only thing I would say is he rarely got me angry because I could almost see he was trying to…and that to me made me feel sorry for him I thought it was more like a cry for help, and I’d try to be kinder… obvi now I’d have run for the hills but at the time I knew nothing of NPD… looking back I might have set myself up as a pretty good supplier of positive fuel? 😖 I’ve tried to post this a few time and I’ve gotten a failed message bloody internet, apologies to the group of this is listed a few times and has caused an inconvenience 😬

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  7. I get the Narc seeking fuel and keeping people (exes) in his life for that purpose. What I don’t understand is why the exes remain friends with the Narc. My ex exhibits all the traits of a Narc to a “T”. In fact, the reason I first researched this condition was due to MANY friends pointing this out to me. It is astonishing how closely his behaviors match up.

    However, he remains active friends with many of his exes (mostly through social media). His exes have all married and have kids, most live far away. Most of these relationships ended 15-20 years ago.

    So my question is why would they remain friends with him if he treated them this way? What are they getting out of it? They’ve moved on. It makes me think it was only me he treated badly and that despite matching every one of the Narc traits, he might not be (and may simply just been a uncaring jerk to me.)

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    1. The exes remain friends with the narc because it will satisfy certain needs that they have. They may be co-dependent and still gain something from the relationship, they may still love him, they may harbour that empathic hope of effecting change.
      Many of my exes remain pleasant towards me (indeed some remain in love with me) despite everything I have done to them. That is the effect that addiction and dependency has on some people.

      It is unlikely he singled you out and not them.

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  8. Tried to post earlier, but it didn’t take. My ex fits the Narc traits and behavior to a “T”. Through all the crazy and turmoil, I struggled to figure out what was going on. MANY of my friends said he was a Narc which started my research in this area. I’ve never come across this degree of manipulation and he seems to fit it all perfectly.

    But he’s remained active friends with nearly all his exes (mostly through social media). Nearly all of them are now married with kids and live far away. And break ups happened 15-20 years ago.

    I understand the fuel he gets from them, but I don’t understand what they are getting from him? They’ve moved on. Why remain friends with someone who treated you this way; especially years after?

    That makes me think he didn’t behave that way with them. Instead it was only me. Maybe he was just an uncaring jerk to me and not a Narc.

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      1. All comments are moderated. That is why they do not appear immediately. Long posts and/or ones asking questions may be in moderation for a time as I read everything and it takes time to address all queries etc.

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  9. Hi HG. Your blog has been of GREAT help. But a part of me still doesnt believe this. I keep replaying it in mind and my therapist says there is narcissism+ borderline personality issues, he says, get over it. I know that. I need help get THROUGH it.

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    1. Hello Miss P, good. No, it is understandable that part of you has not fully grasped what has happened. That is by design and to be expected. Is there something in particular that you have trouble accepting? I will be more than happy to don my Gauntlet of Brutal Truth to drive the point home for you.

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      1. Yes! I am thinking of writing an email to you with my story and also the 1000 piece word for your book. Please give me a while though. I have bouts of sadness, anger & no emotional re the topic. Thanks again.

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  10. What will make you STOP torturing an empath? The supply I am now giving is to the builder of my house. It’s complete negative supply. He is torturing me. I wouldn’t have thought i was a main source of supply for him, but maybe there are narcs who don’t need to control their significant others or their children or parents.. I think my builder is using me for entertainment, because I am a super empath. I fell for everything and he knows everything about me now. Could a main source of supply be strictly from abusing someone who is so easy to abuse? I can imagine he and his wife, who I’m certain is a narc, sit and laugh at everything they get away with.

    I just want off this ride. I don’t know how to get off.

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    1. I don’t torture empaths, I gain fuel from them.
      You are most likely a tertiary or secondary source for your builder. What is the dynamic between you and what is happening?

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  11. I left my covert narc and moved in with my ‘friend’ who now, I see as a possible narc.. I have spent the past year living with her, while her sisters husband is building my house. I gave him the job because I am too trusting and thought it would be great to give someone (a friend) a job. I didn’t pay that much attention to the contract, again, because I am trusting. Oh my hindsight…. he promised I could see subcontractor invoices, promised i could get many options that he had no intention of delivering. Underbudgeted, over-priced overages, underpriced credits, and when approached about these things, he lied, manipulated every situation. I now I realize he planned it all from the beginning. My theories, though they sound crazy to most, are eerily correct.. The contract he wrote pretty much tells me he knew from the start. YES.. I was THAT easy to manipulate. Like taking candy from a baby… I decided to move out of my ‘friend’s’ house once I decided to stand up for myself and she immediately turned on me. I lost mutual friends over this, because I knew I didn’t have the energy to fight this type of personality, especially with our mutual friends being APATHS.

    I am at the end of my build. I owe one last payment, and now he is not going to do things that he should to complete the build, the work is shoddy, and he expects payment and he’s withheld inspections.. and of course my contract says I can’t move in until hes paid in full. I am back and forth between – just give in and let him win- or -stand up and fight- I don’t have the energy or the resources-financially – I’m out of money, I also have no one in this world who has my back or will stand up and fight with me..

    He also bought a lot in my freakin neighborhood and he plans on moving there.. I feel it will never end. I just want to stop being tortured. I feel it’s never going to end.

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  12. Hi,

    You are a narc. You target a girl 3 de ades later after you hurt hwr badly as a teen. You lie about what had happened because what had happened was at 17, you are already a narc and had IDD’s someone. But you make up a story about what had happened. The hook works. You get a money loan from the person, sex once, and massive negative attention after yiubdobanother devalue. The victim begins to get it. Fights back and educates herself. She even calls you a narc and a path but she still isn’t cutting ties. She still is badly hurt and wants it to go back. Still doesn’t get the dynamic or accept it. You staet to pull the 5 day ST. Its always 5 days. Why is it always 5 days?! Normally, you read messages on day 5 but don’t reply. Eventually, other things happen and you accidentally tell the truth about what happened as teens. Only it is was said to deliberately hurt her, but in hearing the truth that you deliberatly ignored her as a teen and lied to about, accitentally provides the closure to hwr thatbshe ws looking for..The lies are clear and the truth is glaring. You are a narc… it was all deliberate! person goes crazy on you, in one finale your are told you are a perverted sick person. You read the messages after 5 days. But you go into Holidays and the victim leaves one more message about getting who you are. A friend finally validated it all. So you leave this last message of 2016 unread. 5 days come and go but it is the holidays so there is other supply. And that is a bonus to do that over the holidays, the ST. Your last parting words were BYE anway, but then 3 sentences later you say, “just give me a break and we will meet again soon.”So, door left open, again even as you half block the raging victim.

    Now. The victims blockes you back and doesn’t stick around to see if you ever click the message. Victim is DONE. But what do you do about the unread message? Leave it in your list that way forever? To show her? Eventually click it? What happens when Thought supply wears off? And this is supply you retargeted after 30 years!!! She was great emotional supply. Failed as money supply but was moved to other levels. But she told you who you are and left for good? She knows you have Ed….!

    Are you a prisoner of the unread message?Has supply told you who you are, overcame the psychological abuse and disappeared for good? Do you ever regret fully losing supply you used on so many supply levels? Do you ever try to worm your way back in years down the road? Did you ever feel discarded? Had anyone ever ever one up’d you? I tricked him once onto admitting he was a predator. He thought he was talking to a stranger but it was a good trick. Rbat is when I was eeally getting the truth. This took me 2 years to face this experience but he is who he is and I let him have it fully. With too much emotion, she still can’t believe/accept this is who you are, but there is no doubt she figured it out.

    What would you do when supply becomes this uncontrollable? I became ‘unstable’ trying to drive him away as I knew he was bad, and it was easier to tey to enrage him to block me. But I was brutal to him. I also found out he preemptively laid ground with a friend for him being a good guy. I knew it was in case I ever talked. So you have also been outed to a few people so others know of the abuse.

    What would you do about me? I am also far away so we have no physical connection anymore. But…. clearly you hung on to someone as supply for that long, what does time and distance really mean, correct?

    Thank you if you have time to answer. I have regained total control over my life again and know all that happened. He doesnt hoover me anymore but should I ever be concerned it would happen? If he is done for good, does he ever have some thoughts about the supply that outed him and got away?

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    1. Elements of the overt might be found with the Lesser of the Greater. I find overt and covert do not incorporate the various factors of our kind, hence the cadres and schools and associated descriptions.

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