Leave Me Alone

leave-me-alone

This is a frequent and plaintive cry from those who have been caught in my web. There are those that never realise what they have become involved in when they are targeted by my kind. They never leave and we never leave you alone. You are always there and available for us to extract some fuel from. We of course discard you but it is never a true parting of the ways. We only cast you aside in order to bring you back again. We do not really want to get rid of you. It is purely a device to ensure that we put you through the ringer again and extract some extra droplets of fuel from your battered and withered self. If you make no attempt to leave we will attach that metaphoric piece of elastic and bounce you back and forth. How long will that pushing and pulling go on for? Until you die. You will always serve some function to me. You will hang around and be used and abused until either you expire or I do and I never contemplate the latter for long.

What if you try to escape me? Well, the lesser narcissist also known as the oxymoronic benign narcissist will try to rope you back in but if you demonstrate sufficient resolve he or she will seek out a far easier target. The reality is there are so many people walking around oozing empathy, that they may as well have a target painted on their backs. We always find fresh fuel and without too much effort. Sometimes I do think that we attract you without having to anything. I know how we are able to sniff you lovely empaths out, but I have started to wonder whether the super empaths that exist have some function for finding us. Their desire to fix and repair enabling them to home in our broken and warped ways and inadvertently they are drawn into our sights. The lesser narcissist will try to hook you back in, but eventually he or she will leave you alone. It may take a few months but you can avoid their clutches. Beware however, should you fly too close in the future we will shoot out a tendril and ensnare you again. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we ever forget how useful you are to us. We do not forget and should you attend an event where we are or decide out of some misguided sympathy to send a text asking how we are, we will come straight back after you.

That is the approach of the lesser narcissist but what of my breed, the greater narcissist. Will we ever leave you alone?

Never.

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46 thoughts on “Leave Me Alone”

  1. Hi HG,

    Thanks for the response. I’ll repost what I initially sent. Since these posts, I have not heard from the narc again. I never want to speak too soon because in the past, when I did think he would finally leave me alone, he would attempt a hoover. I was very unsettled when he showed up at my place one night when I wasn’t home and left a letter. He has not shown up since then. Here are the past messages. Thanks HG!

    Post 1:
    Hi HG,

    I really need your help on something. The narcissist I was involved with has been continuously emailing me. He is guilting, blaming, and criticizing me. I did not respond to his emails for months. He sent me one a few days ago, and my anger got the better of me. I sent him an email back and essentially told him that I will not be blamed, guilted or manipulated by him. I told him that he has an inability to recognize his narcissistic tendencies. I am mad at myself for providing him with fuel and for failing to implement no contact. Anyhow, what is done is done, and I cannot undo what I did. He started leaving messages on my phone now (although I blocked his number), and is begging me to give him an opportunity to explain himself. Our situation was quite complicated as he married with a child. At one point, we fell in love (what I thought was love at the time), and he was planning on leaving since he said he was not happy. This obviously never happened and I decided to leave the situation after about a year.

    To get to the point, how do I move forward from this and how can I get him to back off? I know I am always at risk of a hoover, and now that I have ruined the no contact strategy, what do you suggest going forward? I am so mad at myself! Fuck! He is a mid-range, cerebral narcissist. If I once again implement no contact, will he be inclined to leave me alone? Or will his hoovering ramp up again, now that I responded to him and did not ignore him?

    Any advice helps HG!!

    Post 2:
    After I replied to the narc (huge mistake on my part), he left me 3 voicemail messages and called me from an unknown number. I came home two days ago to find a letter taped to my door. It was 4 pages long, and essentially “apologized” for everything. He said that he is a wreck, but he has to accept that I no longer want to be with him. He said he will give up the fight. Then he went on to say that he never wants to give up on us because he feels like we were destined to be together. I felt like telling him that what he doesn’t want to give up on is my fuel. And really, if he loved me that much, then he would have ACTUALLY LEFT his situation, not bull shit time and time again and say he was leaving but come up with an excuse.

    HG, should I have any reason to be concerned that he showed up at my place and left the letter? It seems stalker-like behaviour. He is a mid-range narcissist, and from what I have read, they are usually not aggressive. Still though, it is unsettling to me that he was here. Thankfully I was out doing Christmas shopping and was not at home. I had a gut feeling he was going to show up after his frantic attempts to contact me, so I intentionally stayed out for longer.

    If he shows up at my place again and I am home, do you suggest I don’t open the door and tell him to leave? Not sure how I should go about this.

    Thanks!

  2. Hi HG,

    Was there a glitch in the system? I know you always reply to responses so I just wanted to check. Either that or your fed up of me! lol!

    Since the posts I wrote, no contact from the narc! Fingers crossed!

    Liz

    1. Hello Liz, what are you referring to? Did you pose a question that is unanswered? If so, kindly ask again to save me trying to hunt it down. Maintain your vigilance, there is plenty of time yet.

  3. After I replied to the narc (huge mistake on my part), he left me 3 voicemail messages and called me from an unknown number. I came home two days ago to find a letter taped to my door. It was 4 pages long, and essentially “apologized” for everything. He said that he is a wreck, but he has to accept that I no longer want to be with him. He said he will give up the fight. Then he went on to say that he never wants to give up on us because he feels like we were destined to be together. I felt like telling him that what he doesn’t want to give up on is my fuel. And really, if he loved me that much, then he would have ACTUALLY LEFT his situation, not bull shit time and time again and say he was leaving but come up with an excuse.

    HG, should I have any reason to be concerned that he showed up at my place and left the letter? It seems stalker-like behaviour. He is a mid-range narcissist, and from what I have read, they are usually not aggressive. Still though, it is unsettling to me that he was here. Thankfully I was out doing Christmas shopping and was not at home. I had a gut feeling he was going to show up after his frantic attempts to contact me, so I intentionally stayed out for longer.

    If he shows up at my place again and I am home, do you suggest I don’t open the door and tell him to leave? Not sure how I should go about this.

    Thanks!

    Liz

  4. Hm, I don’t think we have an exact function for finding you. But I do think it’s your glossy shine combined with your (apparent) emotional intensity at the outset which draws us to you at first. You initially appear bold, authentic, comfortable-in-your-own-skin and ‘knowing’ which makes us want to know more because we are these things. When, on closer inspection, we witness your erratic behavior and brokenness, we can’t help but want to help repair. For us, the moment when we realize that we’ve helped a person grow or nurtured them in some life-giving way, it provides us with a ‘high’ equivalent to the one that your kind apparently get the moment you’ve realized a supply has successfully ’embedded’ to you. These are the moments we live for. And, of all the people we’ve ever come across, we recognize that your kind desperately need to ‘grow’ more than anyone else. How can we just walk away when someone like you is dangled in front of us? How can you just walk away when someone like us is dangled in front of you? You sniff out our empathy (for purposes of selfish taking) and we sniff out your brokenness (for purposes of selfless giving). Like yin and yang, on opposite ends of the spectrum. We are drawn to one another because we sniff out each other’s potential in providing us with deep psychological satisfaction.

  5. Ty for this site HG. Your first interview i watched a yr ago really bothered me. I was quite angry at the time with my narc. This 2nd interview wth out of the box i was in a diff mind frame. Im no longer angry with the same narc i want to understand. Not to change them bc i know itll never happen but to help myself cope. Why? Bc im finding it impossible to leave. Ive been pulled back so many times ive lost count. My narc has some great qualities and i do love him deeply even tho i know ill never recieve the same. Im trying to learn to gain freedom emotionally. I do appreciate your insights they help so very much!!

  6. After a 2.5 yr relationship, i escaped my narc for 1.5 months, but eventually i could not resist the hoovers. During the no contact period, i hated him for all the abuse and cheating and i exposed him. As a result, he lost some family and close friends.

    He sank into deep depression. At that time, i started learning about narcissism. After re-initiating contact, i told him he is a narcissist, which he finally accepted. (He is a mid-ranger). In front of me, i think his facade is stripped because he no longer behaves superior. He feels he is a failure, feels he cannot be loved. Is it possible HG for the facade to be stripped in front of the person who told him he’s a narc?

    He told me he was sexually abused as a child. I started crying. I now tell him my love will always be there. I won’t leave him again. He said he feels bound when somebody loves him. So i cannot even give him comfort by loving him. I ended up saying ‘ok i love you but i expect nothing in return.’ Sigh…

    It’s like i’ll do anything to make him feel better, as i cannot see him suffer.

  7. Would you mind, dear HD, to satisfy my curiosity by answering to my question? So, I assume you had so many different women, how do you find the time to still keep returning to them? I believe there are those who just don’t get into you sixth sphere, but still, it seem that there are hundreds of them and do you still try to hoover them all sooner or later?

    1. There are not hundreds of them (not quite) in terms of the intimate partners which I have had. I also do not hoover them all. Some rarely enter my sixth sphere. If some do, the HEC may not be met because I do not know where they are. Sometimes a hoover is as easy as sending a text message, so in that regard it is not difficult. Indeed in between reading your message and composing a reply I have hoovered Hannah the actress through a text and she has replied. Keep in mind, I do not need to keep hoovering all of my exes all of the time. It all depends on my current fuel needs, fuel levels and available appliances. 24 Hours In the Mind of a Narcissistic Sociopath will give you more insight into this process.

      1. Oh Mr. Tudor, you are bad. Did she see you? If she did, I’m sure she is in a jealous frenzy. Histrionic women view all other women as competition that need to be eliminated. She’s probably planning your seduction as we speak. She wants you to be hers again.

      1. Looking at it now it seems funny haha. But when I was writing a comment and saying “hundreds” I wanted to emphasise my point and might have magnified the number a bit to much. Anyway, I don’t think that HG doesn’t enjoy when facts are a bit exaggerated.

      2. You are right! I believe HG loves exaggeration. You may or may not recall an article where he claims to have done some modelling in his earlier years, but then clarifies that it is only the case if you count walking up and down his room, in front of a mirror as modelling lol 😂
        However, in the case of women, he states above that there are “not quite” hundreds, which leads me to believe the number may be close. You devil HG!

  8. Hi HG,

    I really need your help on something. The narcissist I was involved with has been continuously emailing me. He is guilting, blaming, and criticizing me. I did not respond to his emails for months. He sent me one a few days ago, and my anger got the better of me. I sent him an email back and essentially told him that I will not be blamed, guilted or manipulated by him. I told him that he has an inability to recognize his narcissistic tendencies. I am mad at myself for providing him with fuel and for failing to implement no contact. Anyhow, what is done is done, and I cannot undo what I did. He started leaving messages on my phone now (although I blocked his number), and is begging me to give him an opportunity to explain himself. Our situation was quite complicated as he married with a child. At one point, we fell in love (what I thought was love at the time), and he was planning on leaving since he said he was not happy. This obviously never happened and I decided to leave the situation after about a year.

    To get to the point, how do I move forward from this and how can I get him to back off? I know I am always at risk of a hoover, and now that I have ruined the no contact strategy, what do you suggest going forward? I am so mad at myself! Fuck! He is a mid-range, cerebral narcissist. If I once again implement no contact, will he be inclined to leave me alone? Or will his hoovering ramp up again, now that I responded to him and did not ignore him?

    Any advice helps HG!!

    Thanks so much!!

    Liz

  9. Hi HG! Then in that case, regarding “greater” they don’t leave us alone, what would you suggest? I have been NC with mine more than 8 months and he is driving everybody crazy including my sisters, friends and relative to get a hold of me and I refused to do so. He lives far away and I heard that he is coming to see me in 2 weeks. To tell the truth, I am so scared of him and do not want to see him but he knows where I work and live. Would you please be kind and advice me what to do? Should I confront him about his disorder? BTW, your blog is amazing and I read it all the time. Thanks for sharing it

    1. Hello Rain, thank you for your kind comments. Well done on maintaining no contact so far.
      1. Do not confront him about his disorder, since he is a greater, you will get nowhere and he will use it against you; and
      2. How do you know he is coming to see you? Do you know when he is arriving and how long he is staying for? Can you be somewhere else when he is in town?

      1. Thank you so much for your respond! He talked to my sister and told her, he is coming around Christmas time. Unfortunately due to my job, I cannot take days off. Should I let him know through my friend that I am seeing someone?

  10. I was with a Mid-Range Narcissist lastly, and after I gave him my feelings about all his triangulation and other abusive tactics, he gaslighted me, and told me I was going to go to Hell. When I responded to him to tell him off, he said, “Leave me alone!!”, and then he blocked me forever. He’s such a baby.

    1. Baby….that would be correct. Babies in adult attire who have never outgrown their need for nurturing, suckling, and crying only when in need of much needed fuel of the human type.

      1. Ya, but he never cried for me, only for himself… as a Baby would do. Had we ever been married, as he claimed we would be, I probably would have been changing his diaper for the rest of my life- [of course, this is a metaphor…I hope]. I like to nurture, but he would have never given anything back in the form of true love. He was a baby, but also a monster… and very cruel.

    2. Forgiven, if you’d like I can send a care package to him containing fresh baby bottles filled with fueled baby formula along with a few pacifiers for when he has sucked and drank up all his newly bottled fuel….. I’ve changed my mind, let’s just allow him to suck on his thumbs when his newly acquired fuel runs dry. The bigger the baby, the bigger the thumb they are going to require, and not just their own thumb will do. They will need someone else’s too.

      1. Good thinking, BBB 🙂 The Care Package was such a thoughtful idea from you, though <3 His problems, wounds, and reasons for "sadness" always ranked so much higher than my own. He was a True-Blue "Victim" of every possible pitiful scenario known to mankind. Of course he took his "wounded self" to every other possible woman he could get to tend to him, along with myself. He needed an unending audience of Women Comforters. Poor, sweet little bitty 5'11 ft. baby. Wah..Wah..

      2. Shamefully, I would have nurtured and changed his diapers for the rest of his life had he not been so cruel to me, along with his triangulations, gaslighting, name calling, smearing me behind my back, condescending remarks to me constantly, word salads, never taking an ounce of blame, and so forth, ETC, ETC… Interestingly enough, he snagged me from a Secret Facebook “Victims of Narcissists Support Group” that I was added to due to the fact that I’d just come out of another relationship with a Somatic Narcissist. Thus, I was still very vulnerable. I never dreamt that one could get into relationship with another Narcissist- and one from a Secret Facebook Group! Gross!

  11. That’s why I hid the other day at Starbucks. I was sitting at a corner table and I recognized the person walking in the door as one of my exes peers. She unfortunately witnessed many things at the gym and would have immediately texted my ex upon seeing me. That would have put me in one of her spheres and I didn’t want that. Without what I have learned here I would have stood up and had a conversation with her.
    Thanks HG for teaching me that I have some power in avoiding her.

      1. You are always welcome there.
        I need you there for life. That’s the kind of contract you like. Lol

  12. How about the mid-range Narcissist..current MRN hubby has an ex wife. She actually stalked us for a few years, would show up when we were out and about, and dressed very scantily. Now I can see he enjoyed it, and possibly secretly encouraged it to some degree…how long would a MRN keep an ex wife in the tendrils…with a new primary. Consequently she re-married…but I have always thought they were talking to some degree all these years. Just curious..
    Also wondering, bc i have been distancing myself from MRN hubby (still living together), by not being physical and limiting discussions…what can I expect to see?.He is still the same old jerk. upping the ante with the kids…he doesn’t seem to be cheating visibly (he isn’t leaving work late or anything..always around to the point of annoyance-like he must have tabs on us at all times).
    Thanks for your insight! Very helpful.

  13. Is this for IP’s only, I’m guessing? Or do you include minions, family, inner & outer circle friends & colleagues in this as well?

  14. Why would you be bothered chasing someone who gives zero fucks about you? You said it yourself that there are millions of fuel sources around to choose from, why would you keep digging on area that has little or no interest in proving you with anything?

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