Consent

consent-2

 

Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –

  1. Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
  2. Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
  3. You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
  4. We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
  5. Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtained.

This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?

With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.

“We share everything in this house.”

“What’s yours is mine.”

“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”

“No I didn’t use it.”

“It wasn’t me.”

“Somebody else must have taken it.”

He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit you complaining out you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.

The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.

“I thought I had already asked you.”

“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”

“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”

“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”

“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”

“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”

The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.

“But you didn’t mind last time.”

“Last time you said it was okay.”

“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”

The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.

What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.

“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”

“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”

“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”

“I never thought of your as boring, everybody else does it you know?”

“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”

The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.

The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.

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20 thoughts on “Consent”

  1. Good article, mostly spot on. However, the use of the words Lesser, Mid-range and Greater confused me.

  2. Is this in “Narcissistic style?”
    A man at a bar sees a woman, she catches his eye and he watches her throughout the evening. It is clear she sits with the same man the whole evening and this must be who she came with and who she will leave with. He notices her go outside for a smoke alone, so he follows her, but not right away he gives enough space and time for it to seem coincidental. First names, and small talk is exchanged. She leaves the conversation quickly without saying much and as she opens the door to go inside the man says…”It was nice talking to you Jane!” She gives a slight smile and says “yeah you too.”
    She dances alone among other patrons but never with anyone. She feels his eyes are on her at all times. A woman who is sitting at his table approaches “jane” on the dance floor and in the ladies room, to say how sweet this man is and how he fancies her, Jane says clearly,
    “I have a boyfriend.” The lady says, “yes but are you sure he’s the right guy for you dear. you know you don’t have to settle.”
    By the end of the night Jane’s boyfriend leaves early and leaves Jane to have a little fun with her girlfriend. The bartender approaches Jane and says, “Okay so I just had to tell you this just in case, that gentleman that was just here wanted to buy you a drink, and I said oh you mean “Johns’ girl, yeah John’s girl is having a martini.” Then the gentleman said ok, never mind, just give her this (his name and number) and adds , “I am going to marry that woman.” Jane delcines the name and number but is stunned by a complete stranger stating he was going to marry her after only a few minutes of small talk and knowing full well she had a boyfriend. Jane also takes in consideration every bar tender and a lot of the regulars know her boyfriend, and couldn’t help wonder, was it all a test? Or was the mystery man that arrogant?

  3. Brian I am curious as to who you are warning here? I am sorry yet I found this funny as the fact of the matter HG has always been honest as to who and what he is here.
    To which I find refreshing and have learned many many things from him.

      1. Now that is funny and I am going to bed, apparently no sleep for 32 hours has finally took its toll.

  4. The key word here is consent.

    It is difficult to whine and cry about something you agreed to do. It does not matter that we bribed or coerced you, only that the end result – you saying yes – was achieved.

  5. what if there was a person who would agree to anything and everything? ….nearly like Tabitha… which btw I still don’t know what has happened that You’ve discarded her…

    1. Yes, Tabitha was a peach. Does she at least get hoovers? I’m sure her super duper fuel is well worth hoovering.

      1. Any update on Tabitha? I have a suggestion for a book:
        Where Are They Now.
        A follow up story on all your former IPs.

      2. Interesting idea love, you need to know more about what has happened first though, thus Asylum of the Grotesque will be an eye-opener for you.

      3. Oh my dear Mr. Tudor, you know I am an avid pupil of yours. I have read that beautiful piece of poetry many a time:
        “sky shifts from the medley of flaming oranges, reds and yellows to a soothing azure”
        Btw, I did note you never mentioned brown eyes.

  6. Love the guys who think they can move in here with their suitcase and that guitar that needs to be restrung. Hey man, you’re in your forties, you’re not 20 anymore…wanting to be a musician doesn’t impress me. I mean, you’re nice to play with…but you can’t stay (because if you stay, if you’re still here in the morning, I’ll see your receding hairline & wrinkled face in the daylight & we both know only Mick Jagger can make “wrinkly rocker” sexy) so yeah, you gotta bump it off down the road.

    1. My ex narc actually has a guitar with a broken string…it’s still here…Whats all that about…a little toooo ironic…don’t you think. .😉

  7. When my ex decided that she wanted a threesome she started out small and planted seeds both in my head and her other girlfriend.
    She started with
    ” I would love to have a threesome with the two women I love.”
    That’s when my reasoning kicked in and I tried to explain that I loved her and her girlfriend loved her but we weren’t interested in being with each other. She didn’t listen or care. Her other girlfriend wasn’t interested either.
    Then she went with
    “I would like that for my birthday”
    ” It would only be once a year” I knew I couldn’t tell her no and I said maybe and hoped this discussion would go away.
    I had a gut feeling if it happened once she was going to want it that way all the time.
    The three of us went away for a weekend in January and she said
    “Everyone at work thinks the threesome will happen this weekend”
    “They think you will be the one to say yes first”
    “They think you are the more open minded one”
    I’m sure she was saying almost the same thing to her other girlfriend.
    And I know she added to her
    “You know how to do this”
    “You have already done this before”

    I believe that she had decided this is what she wanted from the beginning. I would have never been able to no say after it happened the first time.

    HG, is this what she was doing even though she knew she was going to get what she wanted eventually. Did she want consent but really didn’t care about it.
    When you have something in your head like that will you keep going until you get it?

    I liked this article. It explained a lot. I like how you said that it holds for the whole relationship. I wouldn’t have been able to take it back.

    1. This was salami-slicing. Yes, we keep going until we achieve it (or you force us to break off by wounding us but this does not always happen). She waned to bring about your consent because that would make her feel more powerful, ensure that you would struggle to say no in the future and allow her to throw it back at you if you did try to resist. All insidiously calculated.

  8. Listen, and understand! HG is out there! He can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead!

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