Closer To Heaven



It is testament to the intensity of our love-bombing, our seductive charade and the illusion that we create that you feel that we are heaven sent. Nobody compares to us either before after. Our love is like the sun. Vast, burning and immense, so bright and you, like most things on this planet, come to depend on it. The brilliance with which we make you ours by the carefully constructed and elegantly orchestrated ensnaring means you do not notice what is happening to you. All you know that is your dreams have come true. You are whisked off your feet, made to feel special and lifted up on high. And why not? You are indeed special to us. We chose you. From all those appliances out there, from the thousands upon thousands we targeted you, we researched you and we dedicated ourselves to capturing you. That is how special you are. You are particularly special because you are elevated to the position of being our primary source of fuel. What greater honour could my kind ever bestow on someone? You are my life blood. Without the fuel that you provide to me each and every day, succulent, potent and plentiful, I would no longer exist. No wonder I worship you when I first find you. You are the answer to my fears. The destruction of the construct is a terrifying matter to contemplate and I will do anything to ensure that this does not happen. You are instrumental in achieving this and it is through your fuel that I am not only able to exist but function, conquer and attract. You are so important to me that you provide the fuel that allows me to draw in even more fuel. You are the catalyst for all my endeavours, my machinations and my schemes. You are the driving force behind everything that I do, my successes, my ambitions and my achievements. It is because of you I am able to illuminate the world with my brilliance. Now do you understand why my seduction of you must be so absolute and intense? You are my saviour, you are everything that I need and accordingly I must capture you with all due expedience so that you are not plucked from my grasp by some other pretender. It is through you that I am able to transcend the mediocre and mundane, how those words make me shudder. My seduction is borne out of a great ravenous hunger. I need you. To acquire you I must take you closer to the heaven than you have ever been. Does it matter that I do so through the construct of an illusion so long as it serves that purpose to ensnare you? You are worshipped, adored and idealised – who would not want to be revered in such a manner and by one so talented as I? It is a match that was forged in heaven – you give me what I need and I give you what you desire. It makes perfect sense and this ideal matching of you and I must always come to pass. It is written in the stars above.

I pin all my hopes on you. I put every ounce of effort into acquiring you. I strain my sinews, polish my charm and burn brightly in the hope and expectation that you will provide me with the outstanding fuel. You do not disappoint. At least not at first. Yet, the time comes when the fuel sours and becomes stale and that is why my treatment becomes so awful and horrendous. My malice is driven by your failure. Our immortal union was in touching distance. I had you at the gates of heaven and all you needed to do was to keep supplying me with that wonderful fuel. I know you tried. Goodness knows you have told me often enough about all the things you have done and how you tried over and over again to make things work. You were not the only one you know. That sense of having been so close burns through me and the fury that is unleashed is so virulent I am unable to control it and thus it must be spewed over you, drowning you in my hatred, my bilious venom oozing across you, trickling into your open orifices as I seek to smother you in my cloying evil. You promised so much. That is why I promised so much in return. We got so near but then you faltered, you floundered and you failed and it all came crashing down. If there was a different way, if there was some alternative which meant I did not have to unleash hell against you, then perhaps that would be chosen instead but there is not. I know no other way than that which is meted out to you when it all comes crashing down. I cannot control it because you threaten my existence by your failure and I must turn to other means to secure and preserve my existence. I obtain other sources of my precious fuel to avoid my extinction from your negligence.

I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to take you to heaven and because of your failings we had never been closer to heaven and then we had never been further away. Why did you do it to me?

42 thoughts on “Closer To Heaven

  1. Evon says:

    What do you think of a narcissist who doesn’t love bomb? After reading all your posts I know he is a narcissists because every single other trait is present. I’m an empath but not interested in sweet talk.
    I chased him and was the primary source for 4 years. Was just dumped by him, not the first and probably not the last time…
    Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A narcissist will “love bomb” if that is necessary. You chased him, he did not need to love bomb you – assuming he is a narcissist.

      1. Evon says:

        That makes sense. Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  2. npber says:

    Thank you for the very interesting (as usually) article, HG. I do have a question though: How could my narc expect our perfect union (he kept repeating the whole programm: that I was the perfect woman for him, that he regreted not having met me twenty years ago, that he wished to move in with me and have a child) not to fail, when he kept from me the little detail that he was married and told me he was separated, with his divorce in process? Even when I started suspecting that there was something wrong and confronted him, he kept denying the truth and inventing lie after lie until he had no choice but to admit the least truth possible. He made plans for weekends and holidays with me he knew (?) he couldn’t come, he had me make reservations for hotels etc. Was he believing his own lies or was it just a game? Is is possible that besides being a narc he has a problem distinguishing the truth from his phantasies? Could he seriously expect me not to find out that he is living with his family and share with me the dream of the perfect love he presented to me? I’d be really greatful for an answer.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello npber, he expected it not to fail because of the compartmentalisation that we engage in, his sense of entitlement (to it succeeding) and his lack of accountability (it could not fail because of this information and he had no obligation to disclose it to you) and it is also part of the magical thinking that we engage in. All of these factors create a delusion that it will succeed because at the outset this is what we want to happen.

  3. NoNarcs says:

    Thank you for this information.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. High Octane Fuel says:

    This post was illuminating. Full stop. Wow. Your writing makes me truly “get” you people from the inside out, rather than from the outside in (the psych literature). I feel like I am really starting to understand your kind– I mean *really understand*–with these posts. Thank you, what a gift!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you HOF and you are welcome.

  5. Anna says:

    If you were so close to heaven, why did you not continue with the correct treatment of her and you would have remained close and the relationship could have been wonderful?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Anna,

      The reason is as follows

      “We got so near but then you faltered, you floundered and you failed and it all came crashing down. If there was a different way, if there was some alternative which meant I did not have to unleash hell against you, then perhaps that would be chosen instead but there is not. I know no other way than that which is meted out to you when it all comes crashing down. I cannot control it because you threaten my existence by your failure and I must turn to other means to secure and preserve my existence.”

      If you did not fail us, we would not have to change the way we treat you.

      1. Anna says:

        You failed us y presenting a false image, if you’d been truthful from the start we’d have run a mile!! 😂

  6. “I wanted to take you to heaven and because of your failings we had never been closer to heaven and then we had never been further away. Why did you do it to me?”

    I knew it was my fault😪😪😪

  7. Matilda says:

    In my humble opinion, you fail her before she fails you. Once the love-bombing is over, you turn into someone she does not recognise anymore. She tries her best, but in vain. It cannot work if she is the only one pulling the weight in the relationship. You feel no obligation to meet her halfway to make it work. All you see is your needs – a very short-sighted attitude, indeed. She tires of your selfishness.

  8. Nomore says:

    I’m going through this right now. You’re either with him or you’re destroyed. His favorite is to get a restraining order against someone who wants out. It’s a mind boggling and deeply sad, frustrating, scary and hopeless predicament. HG saved me from his last Hoover. I wondered at one point, if my ex was HG. That’s how identical to y experience. I didn’t go back this time but now I’m being tortured even though I tried so hard to have an honest respectful parting of ways. There’s no such thing. The lies and manipulations never stop since he can never be alone…..why would I ever knowingly go back to that.

  9. Ana Frost says:


  10. The Bridge says:

    HG, question for you
    For example… John(43) is a narcissist, but unfortunatelly he has an accident, and as result of the accident , now he can not see, or hear or speak , what would John do to get the feul?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He would have to rely on touching and feeling and Thought Fuel. John is in for a hard time.

      1. Poor john!!😓😩

      2. The Bridge says:

        Interesting, thank you HG

        1. HG Tudor says:


  11. Snow White says:

    Hello HG,
    Is there one particular thing that makes you stop and say
    “She has stopped giving me the fuel that she once was”?

    I would love to see how your relationship is going along and you are “happy” and then you think to yourself “she is failing me now”.
    I would love to see how this plays out in your mind.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well if that individual starts behaving neutrally on a repeated basis then that tells me that this individual is not giving the fuel she one was. If it not as drastic as that, it is more that things feel different, the sense of power has started to wane, the irritation and frustration starts to manifest.

      1. Snow White says:

        Good morning HG, thanks for explaining.
        So it’s once again how her behavior makes you feel. And if that behavior starts to make you feel that you are losing some of your power then it’s time for you to change things up. It has nothing to do with us thinking that everything is ok.

  12. Indy says:

    Thought of this song while I read this, “Locked Out of Heaven”. I love Bruno Mars. He is so cute.

    1. AH OH says:

      LOL seen him in concert too! He is short and sexy as all get out the way he moves.

      1. Indy says:

        Ah Oh,
        You are one cool chica!! He is indeed a sexy firecracker. His smile kills me too. Such a talented musician and dancer. I think of Michael Jackson and Prince when I watch him.

        Nice song choice!

        1. AH OH says:

          I saw him at the Chelsea @ Cosmopolitan seats 3200. Went to a Bob Dylan performance about 2 months ago !0/13. I figure I better while he is around to see him.

        2. AH OH says:

          Changed my Gravatar pic. A face with the words.

        3. AH OH says:

          Prince was by far one of the sexist shows I have seen. The men in the audience had man crush by the time it was over. Never had the pleasure of seeing MJ. Unfortunate for me. I would blast his ALBUMS while I would get ready for work in the early 80’s. I was such a little bitch then. I was a handful.

          1. Indy says:

            God, that man oooozed sex!!! I had such a crush on him too. Damn, what an amazing performer and seeing him must have been amazing!!!!! RIP Prince.

  13. summeringa says:

    I wonder why the fuel always becomes stale…
    I was assuming that I feed him with energy (fuel) and he took it away to seduce another target. Now here we go, you perfectly described it.
    When our love stays the same even though we are belittled, devaluated and so on, when we still adore our narc, when we remain this perfect angle or bitch by choice, mommy and housemate, classy woman, princess, girl, whore – and this only for him, if we still attract him, if we stay in shape, getting prettier each year…perfection just for him. If we cope well with being isolated and trapped. If he couldn’t achieve to break us because we are too strong or better: because our love is too deep and too strong. We do not fail! The narc will get bored, right…always? Yes. But he can’t afford to lose such a supply. He might check out how far he can go and one day, he is gone too far.
    But why does the fuel become stale when we do not fail? What is our failure?

    How does it feel to receive fuel? Is it like a drug? Being with a narc is like being drug addict. It’s a rush, you always want him around. You unlearn to be happy with yourself.
    But once the narc is gone you start to see things again as they were before. You can start to breathe. Being no longer controlled is heaven, not immediately but soon. Making decision as you used to do and you don’t have to ask…I changed the subject.
    Fuel must be like a rush…
    Is there a fuel supply a narc will never forget? Is there a feeling of regret that he lost it? Possibly not, there is no feeling of regret, right.

    If the narc cries, is it real? Does he show feelings or is it a fake? Self pity?

    Thank you for this article, really great!

  14. Indy says:

    Hi HG,
    I have a couple of questions that came up when I started reading this. You state that you have this intense infatuation with a new IP because you are hoping this is the solution to never having to deal with the beast inside again and all those memories. Further, you state that you hope that your new maintenance crew (your IP) will keep your stone walls strong and well kept to keep it all in. Right? When did you know you had a “structure” to keep it all in and that fuel is basically your fortifying these walls? Was this knowledge the result of therapy?

    I do not wish to keep you from your writing of all those new requested articles or your books, though I am very curious. Being a greater, I am curious what you knew innately, before therapy. And what did you learn more about after therapy?

    BTW, please be nice to Kim for the holidays…please. I know, you need your fuel and all…And I know, it IS Christmas. But, could you do a little experiment for us poor women stuck in a 2-dimensional blog here (picture Superman 2-dimensiohnal pane) and report back **hopeful eyes** **pleading hands**

    ***sending healing vibes to Kim, who ever the heck she is***
    ***Ok, I will send you some vibes too, HG***

    1. Indy says:

      HG, when did you learn about your inner structure? Do greater know innately or only after being introduced to the concept of narcissism by someone?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        This came through the good doctors and I could then link it to what has happened in the past. The Damascus Girlfriend as I shall call her did make some reference to it as well when putting me on the path, but it has come out far more with the good doctors.

  15. Yin&Yang says:

    because I am not perfect as You are. ..simple as that….

  16. Your article made me cry, HG.

  17. MLA - Clarece says:

    Why? Because you won’t trust me to never leave your side.

  18. Reblogged this on Loving a Narcissist and commented:
    Reading HG Tudors post brings back all of the feelings that placed me on top of the world with the exN. These feelings are what kept me trying so hard for so long, taking the downs and praising the ups… keeping up his perfect facade for everyone else. In my eyes he was perfect.

    I find this song fitting…

    1. Indy says:

      Dragoncreeper 😊😊😊😊😊(((hugssss)))))

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