The Narcissistic Truths – No. 87

i-drag-you-to-hell

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66 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 87”

  1. Why didn’t I experience all of this fun and excitement? I think I was ripped off.
    I didn’t get the full narc experience.
    Would I have to be with a Greater in order to fully understand?

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    1. Let me clarify. I can relate to a lot of the narc abuse that you write about. Why I am perplexed is I’ve never been that devastated by their actions. Did they hurt me emotionally: absolutely. Was I even affected physically: yes. Did I do my utmost and still my best wasn’t good enough: YES. Was it psychologically draining: yup.
      However, can I say I was dragged to hell and back: no.
      Did I feel a need to be hospitalized after the many discards: no, I was honestly relieved because I gave my 110% and it was exhausting. There was no more to give.
      Did I ever want to expose them or humiliate them: why bother? Who had the time for that mess? I left it alone.

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      1. Thank you Mr. Tudor. I thought I have been with some Mids. Apprently they must have been lesser mids…
        From now on I will not just focus on how good they look on paper, I will investigate their narc status as well.

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      2. Hi Love,
        I’m confused. Are you wondering if you’ve been involved with a narcicist? Perhaps I misread? I thought you said your mother was one. Now, with intimate partners, you would know from the information HG gives here. They vary in presentation, sure. If you are wondering, would you like to share an example of some of your past relationships that you wonder if they are narcicists. Also, keep in mind, just because they may not exhibit all signs, doesn’t mean they are not narcicists at a mid or higher level….it may mean they have traits but are not fully narcicistic, on a range of severity.

        Is it ok if I give my recent ex narcicist as example? my ex was without question a narcicist. Most likely a midranger cerebral type with traits of somatic. I wasn’t love bombed in the classic manner that HG describes. However, he brought up marriage after 3 months, requested to attend a big sig event in my life at 2 months. He quickly, within a year, engaged in push pull games. Within a year he started gas lighting. He started using silent treatments. Within 3 months, I saw a flash of dead eyes briefly, that would increase in frequency with time. I briefly saw the delay in emotional responses (laughed 2 secs after I did to comedies, consistently). He wanted sympathy and pity at times, played guilt trips. He cheated at board games, enjoyed comedy that tricked other people. He showed reduced deep empathy for others, though could mimick it at a shallow level to fit in. He stopped sex initiations, unless it was a very specific time, on his schedule and in certain manner, all controlled. I was rejected. He was super smart and lived showing it and being correct at all times. He took great interest in things, particularly things of status and expensive value. Brand names, nice cars, watches, homes…etc. His level of power at work, etc…he was always authoritarian. He had a matrinarc. he was a control freak with plans. Passive aggressive to the max. i would tell him things I liked and it seemed like he had a resistance to doing it…like it was too much. In the beginning he liked everything I liked, toward the end it became clear that wasn’t genuine. These were some, only some of the signs my ex was what he was….he never physically or sexually abused me, but the emotional and psychological abuse was so intense I felt like I was losing my mind. All the lies, he was lying for sport. I had intense anxiety and fog and high jump reaction. Now that I’m out of that relationship I do not have any of those symptoms. He hoovered intesely after I left. Hundreds of calls and texts, begging, pleading, threatening, stalking….I ignored to get him to stop.

        This is a md ranger, one example. Does that help, Love? You may have been with a mid ranger. Or one with traits.

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      3. Hi Indy. I was asking as a joke because I have not had extreme reactions to narcs. I have not gone to hell and back with them – so I asked Mr. Tudor if I need to seek a higher level narc.
        There is no doubt I’ve been with narcs. They all exhibit narc traits. The last one was even identified as one by my most recent therapist.
        Mr. Tudor stated that the higher level ones bring about more ‘fun and excitement’ i.e. hell.
        The question was more in regard to me and my response to them. I don’t feel that level of devastation.

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      4. Hi Love,
        I didn’t know you were kidding, whoops!! Sorry!! I was thinking you were serious.
        What level of devastation are you referring to that you do not feel? I am curious about that. I hope it’s OK I ask πŸ™‚

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      5. Of course Indy. You can ask me anything.
        I don’t regret any of my experiences. When I look back, I cannot label anything as hellish. I am happy I had that time with each of my narcs. Even the psychopath. They brought me happiness for that moment. Was their abuse more than the pleasure I felt at that time? No.
        Did I feel anxiety, crazy, erraticly emotional? God YES.
        But I also experienced a tremendous amount of love.
        I have only been able to experience that level of ‘intensity’ with narcs.

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      6. Thank you for your response, another question. How did you know one was a psychopath besides the back of the neck chills?
        How long were you with him? I went on three dates with what I believe was a man that could have seriously hurt me or worse…I knew from clinical exp he was likely a psychopath, a high functioning one, like Patrick Bateman, though never totally sure….could have been socio. I was never alone with him due to red flags and desire to survive as I didn’t wish to be raped or maimed or killed. I’m not typically a paranoid person either. He was deadly charming, had the predator stare, was without question narcissistic too…and he joked about serial killers and doing this to me. He positioned me and held me in a way that let me know he could snuff me out if he wanted to.Never ever in my life had I had that exp prior or after. It shakes you to your core! Is this the exp you had?

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      7. What I have not felt is devastation, where I was brought to my knees in pain. Where life no longer had color and song.
        Was their torment so powerful that I felt I was in hell?
        Please- they wish.

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      8. I was with the psychopath for 3 months. He had my alarms going off like crazy. In the beginning I didn’t even want to go on a date with him. Yet a friend of mine had me read ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’. So I chucked it off as my timidness. I agreed to see him, yet each time I was so nervous. He had true reptilian eyes. Empty void. I felt a need to nurture him. In my house, he wasn’t so scary. Food somehow eased him. Our last meeting was at his house. I could taste his fury. He was angry I had purchased a new car. So that night he punished me. Devaluing me, using porn to hurt me. It was the darkest I had seen him. I couldn’t ease him. He told me to leave, which I did promptly.
        After that, he tried to see me again, but I was fearful. Again I doubted my intuition. I ran a criminal check on him (he once showed me his expired drivers license with his legal name). The criminal check resulted in two felonies for aggravated stalking.

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      9. Yes, stalking is horrible. I was stalked for years. Aggravated stalking is typically when you get a restraining and he breaks it. It also can be a violation of probation. Narcissists do this, not just psychopaths. It’s very abusive and creates a lot of horror in the receiving end. I still look over my shoulder and didn’t leave my home a line for 4 years when I was heavily stocked by my sons bio father. I cried the first time I went shopping on my own. I moved across country to escape him.

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      10. Hi PTSD,
        I am. Thank you. That one I ran from never found me. I left in 1992, I know how to hide, from the likes of him anyway. Now, if he was a greater like HG, with resources and a higher motivation to stalk, I am not sure hiding would be successful. I’d have to do other things too. That was back when I was a young mother and he threatened to kidnap our son and kill me. He nearly ran me over with his car once. I lived in a small town where there was no escape, a town of 2700 people. I managed to remain hidden from him until my son reached his mid 20s. I made contact with him, on my terms, later, to introduce my son to him. I never spoke bad about him to my son. My son asked to meet him. I found him and introduced them. My son figured him out quick. He’s no longer in lite life.

        I was also stalked by someone I believe was not a full fledged narcicist, though more a combo of things including a plain and simple control freak that couldn’t let go of me, my ex husband (married to him in my twenties for 6 years). He stalked in a malicious manner after divorce, sent letters of hate in the mail, ripped my distributed wires out of my car, and stalked for years via mail and later on social media. I divorced him in 1998 and he still contacts me out of the blue. After reading HGs works, I have also put my ex husband’s behavior on extinction and went no contact. I have no clue WHY he’d want to be friends, I put his ass in the hospital after he faked a suicide attempt (told by ER nurses it was a fake) to stop me from leaving and never looked back.

        Finally, enter my more recent ex, a mid ranger. He hoovered hardcore to the point of electronic stalking and harassment and intimidation. I have him on extinction too.

        I am always looking over my shoulder. No more of these fatal attraction types for me. Sure, I like spice, but I don’t wanna die.

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      11. Yes. I attract addicts for sure and after being here and learning here, I have to admit you are correct PTSD. Based on HGs teachings, I had one lesser for 5 years until age 19, one that had traits of a mid but not fully a narcissist that I was married to for 6 yrs, one short relationship with a classic narcissist 10 months, and my recent ex was without question a mid ranger 2 yrs. I had one relationship that was with an addict that was not narcissistic that lasted 6 years. Very empathic but very ill during relapses. He died. So, yes. And now it is time for me to work on me, know the signs and be careful if I go backout into the dating world. Been single for 5 months with no dating. Purposefully. It’s good for me.

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      12. Playing with that kind of fire can kill you. Please please no more seeking men like him. I know I’m being too mama, forgive me, and really love, be careful sweets.

        Hoogs

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      13. Thank you Indy. I appreciate your words. And thank you PTSD. After the psycho, I ran criminal checks on all my guys in advance. But as Mr. Tudor said, the higher level narcs better calculate risk and are less impulsive. They stay under the radar.

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      14. Oh yes Indy, I completely understand what you mean. A few months after that episode I was at a club with friends, having a great time. My eyes were closed feeling the music and dancing on the dance floor. I opened my eyes and he was standing in front of me. Then he disappeared. That had me so shaken. It took a few years before I could even go to his area of town (despite knowing he moved out of the state).

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      15. Yes PTSD. This was after I ran the criminal check. I did not want to see him at all. He would text asking to see me and I would refuse. I think he was amused because he knew I was afraid. The night I went to the club was the first night I got out after the episode. I knew he didn’t frequent that place so I told my friends to go there.

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      16. Mr. Tudor, I’m curious about something. When I said he punished me by devaluing me with porn, do you understand what he did?
        I ask because I want to know if his actions are typical amongst your kind.
        I didn’t want to be graphic.

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      17. Hi Love,
        did you see him in your mind’s eye like a flash back, or in person?

        If he appeared in person… that is quite worrying. Considering that he does not usually frequent this place, why would he be there? How would he know where to find you?! He might have installed a tracker on your phone or car, or someone among your circle of friends might have told him. Might be worth investigating. This guy sounds dangerous… better safe than sorry.

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      18. Wow Indy. You are a strong woman. How selfless of you to introduce your son to his father. Sounds like your son takes after you… Smart kid. I hope he was not terribly hurt realizing what his father is. I too have been single for 7 months. First time in my adult life to be man free (narc free).
        Matilda, thanks for your words. My experience with the psychopath was a few years ago. I put it past me and sold my house. I later found out he had another woman here whom he fathered a child with (God knows how many children he had). If anything, I feel bad for that woman and child. I pray the child didn’t inherit his father’s traits.

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      19. See the article The Mid-Ranger, Erica and you will learn more there. There are three schools of narcissist in the way I describe our brethren – Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater.

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      1. Absolutely Sarah!! I have that freedom, it’s the knowledge of the truth behind his actions that set me free to know it was his issue, not mine. I am free to let it go, to love myself, cherish and nourish who God made me, and can help others get free!! I will never forget that!! 😁

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  2. Yes it is joke! Thank the narc we should after all who else pretties up their home and decorates their tables with the finest of crystal and slaves like a fool to make sure it has everything that shows planning, selecting, cooking and preparing a Christmas banquet fit for a king, but for the narc or is it because it is tradition, religious or whatever and the one time that family can celebrate together? Is it because some of us, not all were raised in traditions where there was an air of excitement, peace, joy and prosperity that we cherished? Is it because we were blessed and knew what it was to not sleep through waiting for the day and the love, connection and gifts that had carefully been planned all year and the unity that the day would bring like so many before. How do we thank the Narc when he paraded around like scrooge and resented being awoken at early dawn by the excited voices coming from kids that knew not what it was to go through eighty stickers to stick on their toys in the right places, nor the sore knees and screwdrivers to open battery compartments in the back of baby talking dolls, or assemble prams and carefully play Santa the night before with no sleep. We should thank the Narc for showing us just how rotten it can be and we should thank the narc for bringing us back to the reality that where there is light and joy there is also darkness and decay. Most of all we should thank the Narc for having our best interests at heart, after all we all need a reality check from time to time. How many times Narc McScrooge told me that I was overspending and how many times, I replied, it is not your money and I am building fond memories for all that care to take something from it in their travels. I guess I must thank the Narc for raining on the parade so often and reminding me that not all families have such Christmas’s and it is just another day to which I somewhat agree and over commercialized. However, it is only one day per year and I guess being so close to his birthday, that was a bone of contention and is why I made a real big deal of it, but even if there have had been a BMW in the drive, there would always be a list of complaints. This Christmas and many have meant alot to me personally and dare that overshadow his birthday blues, I mean what is losing the main man in a daughters life got to do with it anyhow? Merry Christmas Dad, stuff him- ps I love you and by the way I will get the seafood! xoxoxox your daughter πŸ˜‰ Oh and another ps Dad- Clowns to the left me and jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you. I know you should be resting in peace Dad but every time this day draws near, I join with you and yes, it was an injustice and bloody wrong! Remember this dad- Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence- I can’t even believe it myself but for what was. We justified ourselves Dad and did that shake their very foundations, sure did. Merry Christmas 2016.

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  3. And ps Dad, I love you and thanks for showing me and mum the most similar dream the other night, you are as brilliant a light in my life as you were in the flesh. By the way dad, I went to the club and all three huge silver cups were lined up. The year before you died, the year you died but got to see as I tried to keep positive for you and as you know switched my lifetime loyalty to your arch rival footy team when decorating the frontage with ribbons and balloons. Do you remember Dad? I do. I remember you were my brave and heroic rolemodel and I remember the chemo treatment. I remember that day in September. I remember it all. I remember you feeling such a sense of pride in them winning and coming through again dad, after such a long drought. I remember how when you had saved a child, an adult, a group of children where you would head to. I watched you dad, as you were so pale and yet so invincible head off to the towel of your footy club and as it hung always in the laundry I watched you blot the tears silently. I heard all the cars beeping their horns and you grinned as did I and I said, I can’t believe it Dad, they did for you last year and now they have done it again, they have given you back to back wins! Quite humbly you said, after giving me a wink- I told you xxxxxxxx never give up just because it doesn’t look like you can win, you know how it is xxxxxxxx believe in yourself. I sat the next year and I knew the code. I knew dad, it would be x three. Those big cups are hidden behind glass and you know what Dad, I cred my eyes out yesterday because it was not so much the cups, but it was that I was surrounded by your footy clours and all of the staff were dressed in your polo top from your club that you were dressed in for our goodbye. I worried yesterday because i thought, for the first time, OMG that means that what you freed others from in life, became your burning tomb and the material would have stuck like glue and then I stressed so bad, for you……….. Life does nto seem fair alot of the time, we get told it is what it is and it is just the way that it is…but Dad, that does’nt mean it has to be….They should not have done it their way dad, they will be charged with their offences in a higher place and I shall be you witness alway’s.

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  4. Why would i thank you if you drag me to hell? Wait, you’re right. ‘Sorry’ and ‘thank you’ are the 2 sentiments i always say to him in order to keep the peace.

    ‘I hate you’
    ‘I love you’
    ‘I’m sorry’
    ‘What can i do next time to make the situation comfortable for you?’
    ‘Next time i’ll try not to be so demanding of your time’ (hadn’t seen him in over a month)
    Damn these narcs! 😩

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  5. Well, I wouldn’t say you “make us” using physical force, G…I personally believe that if someone persecutes you, you kill them with kindness and positivity not giving into the negative energy that seeks to take the brightest part away from us empaths…

    But in all honesty, I did make this video last night that does say thank you – but I I am grateful BECAUSE I read your works and was a fully prepared educated empath thanks to you πŸ™‚

    I wouldn’t be writing this today if it were not for you…love and thanks and hope you like the video…it is…different!

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B63qwDNgRzs&w=560&h=315%5D

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      1. You’re welcome, exhaustedlesbian… I might also suggest to sing and scream along: very therapeutic!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

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      1. Exactly, purpleribbonhealing! πŸ˜€ … ‘You Oughta Know’ she wrote when all was raw… and you can hear it… she has found peace and fulfilment in her life, I rejoice with her…

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  6. Just crazyness of both: narc and prey… beause it os the truth … he drug me in the hell and wants always that I tell him “thank you” for all the things that he did… and sometimes he succeeded….

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    1. No it’s their crazymaking- they do it with all primary and spare tyres. We were pulled into it and they make it most difficult to escape it. Not like we can take a gun and shoot them because only they get to hold guns at the head of their victims. (metaphor).

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      1. Purpleripponhealing you’re right. They have in them hands the gun and only they decide where to aim the gun and shoot. In this relationship I have never had any power to decide.
        But if you think it is absurd how they manage to hurt you, make you understand that it’s for your own good and want to gratitude! And often I believed in his good faith…
        Sometimes I have still trouble thinking that one person can make you feel so bad voluntarily.

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  7. Thankful to be out, and before all the holidays hit too.
    And, no one makes me __________. Fill in the blank. No one. *fire eyes*

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      1. Purpleribbonhealing, we have to be careful with wording here, or we are shooting ourselves in our tiny feet!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

        It should say: ‘no one makes me submissive *either*’ – two negatives would turn the meaning around… it’s not my mother tongue, so forgive me if I get this wrong. πŸ˜€

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  8. The exN deserves thanks for many things he did both good and bad. He did boost my confidence in ways the exN husband destroyed and the rides to hell… well he only made me stronger, he pushed me to take myself back! <3

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  9. Hi HG,
    Here is a memorable vignette from my experience with a narc:
    In a casual conversation we had, before I knew he was a narc while thinking he was a very special friend in my life,
    I mentioned an witty quote from a TV preacher: “When people decide to run away from God, the devil will provide transportation”. The quote was made in the abstract, with no allusions, but this is
    what happened in the next two or three seconds: his usually so “stoic” face suddenly became distorted by a flash of intense fear and shock, as if from a jolt of electricity. It was similar to the reaction we have when, descending stairs, we suddenly miss a stair, stumble and nearly fall, only to catch ourselves at the last moment before crashing down. For those three seconds after my quote, his face showed a visceral fear as if he was being found out (only I did not interpret it that way at the time–I got mainly confused then). Now, after years of exploitation and manipulation, I understanding exactly who he is.
    And I think his reaction to that quote was one of the very few moments when I caught a glimpse of what you call his “Creature” making appearance and frightening him to death.
    Do you think I am right? In general, it would be really interesting to read much more from you about “The Creature”. How do you experience it? Is it like dissociating, or perceiving yourself as if a character in a movie?
    Thanks.

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  10. All of your work describes my husband and son with GREAT accuracy. I am waking from this nightmare thanks to your work. I just hope it’s not too late for me to retrain what he has taught me.

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