Cheating on the Narcissist

cheating
I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does happen. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?

To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-

During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured) with the narcissist than go elsewhere.
The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.
These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?

As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.

A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?

Not us.

You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.

Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.

The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.

The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you to feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could do this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough?The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.

Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit he is by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.

The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor or go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.

The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his fury in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.

If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of another. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are now persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.

If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.

As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.

Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.

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28 thoughts on “Cheating on the Narcissist”

  1. Okay, question for ya HG..

    Long story short, when the ex narc (B) was hunting me, I was hunting another guy (I’ll call him R). Literally in front of B, I was hunting R. Obviously, B won me over & I became his primary source a week later. So I temporarily called off the hunt of R, though remained friends with us both.

    Fast forward 4 weeks as his primary..
    We were in an open relationship (per my request, he opted out actually, which was weird now that I know he’s a narc). He suggested R & I “get it out of our systems” & have a date night. He was tired of the ‘looks across the room’ at each other when we would all hang out.

    I called R up, set it up, had the date. Came home to candles lit, a loving embrace, he told me to shower. I undressed, only to find him coming into the bedroom to “make love” to me.. Reclaiming what’s his. (Its how I got pregnant. The miscarriage happened a month later.)

    Question is, why would he do this during the golden phase?? Or is this not considered a form of cheating, since he controlled it all & orchestrated it? Perhaps it was his way to trap me via pregnancy? Use as ammo for future fights that I slept with another guy?

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  2. Cheating on the N was the best thing I ever did. I admit the potential risks are plentiful. If leaving out right is not a viable option and you are quite sure u will not be physically harmed if discovered, it maybe something to consider to get back some self esteem and give yourself a break from the abuse. If dealing with a Greater, expect a smear campaign but you might get that anyway if u escape. It’s risky business for sure, but sometimes desparate times require desparate measures.

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  3. How about cheating with a narc rather than cheating on a narc? After all, narcs have no boundaries and feel entitled to whatever their hearts desire (i mean whatever their fuel tank desires) so women who are attached would not be a deterrent to narcs. The married woman would also be swept off her feet (at the beginning), not knowing what she’s getting herself into. She sees in the narc every trait her husband lacks. But ultimately she is only seeing herself.

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    1. They certainly aren’t to my N. He was cheating on his wife with me (not proud, but got hooked and sucked in) and sought another supply – married woman this time. Same MO as with me. And yep she does not know what she’s go herself into.

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  4. I always know when someone is cheating. Oh they think they’re so smart with their lies about “working late” , but I INVENTED lies and deceit. I don’t need to hear confessions (what am I, a priest?), and I’ll keep a cheater if I’m getting something I want from him…if not, he’s gone.

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  5. Tudor is the greater likely to tell you to find someone else in a case like this? Cause in my case I was thrown out of his social point literally even though I had done nothing, I was starting to find love with another man but at that time he didn’t know, not even when all this exploded so I find hard to understand if it’s likely and how clinically level he would be from nonheakthy to completely insane if he did … even though he left me I was co tinuoisly his primary source until I cut him off very vindictfully and right at the target I played metaphorically the billiards game and chess in one shot at the same time worked like a charm so I just want to know….

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  6. My advice is to always cheat on a narcissist. Do to him what he has done, but never tell him you are upset of his actions and never let it be known that you cheated. Start being dishonest in ways you have to to survive and protect yourself once you realize who you are dealing with. I used to take his car I was offered to drive to the beach miles away and tell him I was at home. I would tell him I was with my friends when I was at home alone and just didn’t want to see him. I started doing little things like this to protect myself and because he deserved it. I knew he was too lazy to drive 40 min to my house to check. It wasnt natural for me to lie but I am proud of it in the end looking back that I did it.

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    1. Punisher!!! There you are! I haven’t seen you for a bit! I got worried. After your private session with Mr. Tudor, you fell off the blog. Did he kidnap you? Blink one for yes, twice for no.

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    1. Ahhhh, that’s too bad. 😞 I would surely book 2 private sessions if it meant he would kidnap me.
      I missed you punisher!

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      1. Oh wait – you blinked once!
        I didn’t even read my own decoder! Lol
        Woo hoo! Mr. Tudor, I’ve packed my bags and am ready to be abducted.

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      1. And would it be best to apologise (would that make you look weak) or just ignore it, if they have not asked directly and already made it clear they have punished the innocent person?

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  7. Hello,

    Thanks for the amazing insite. Since all your advice to date has been pretty spot on , maybe you will be able to offer me insight pls.

    Can you tell me possibly what if anything to expect from finally being done with the discards and silent treatments?

    This last discard he gave me 4 months silent treatment. Long enough for me to meet someone fun and kind. My ex returned just before xmas wanting me to pick up like he hadnt abadoned me after cheating again! Lol

    Im just done and dont need him or want him thank god. But im still nervous if i should expect any retaliation of any sort for rejecting him. I even surprised myself with how done i am 🙂

    Thank you so much!

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