Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me

love-me-hate-me

I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.

Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.

“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”

“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”

“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”

“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”

Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or begging me to stop, so long as it is directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.

When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone or something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.

Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.

I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full of woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.

Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?

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30 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me”

  1. I think i am pass this point from this post. I don’t think my narc cares anymore, he just let me stay here so he can get fuel. But at least i am not giving him a load of fuel. We still live together but we walk around the house like we are ghost toward each other. I don’t mind, trust me. I would rather he be a ghost, than hearing him at all.

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  2. I figured this out when I wouldn’t text back after an hour or so, while he might not text back for 5. The double standard is worse.

    What if, instead of going NC cold turkey, the primary source of fuel just slowly backs away, letting more time go between contact, occasionally unable to make the weekend away, will a MidRange discard? And then the primary source, expecting this, can go NC without feeling devastated?

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  3. I’ve come to realize that I give my Narc ALL the fuel he desires. I react to his plays just as he wants me to. I so want to stop but its like I’m addicted to this “game” he has going on.

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  4. I always wondered why hed be so incredibly loving then do something to upset me. This was before knowing that negative was good too. It makes sense tho bc if you can get someone to cry over something you did to them then you must really matter to them!
    He loves to get into a dramatic arguement then want passionate sex. Another thing i couldnt wrap my head around. Everything has to be to the umpth degree it can never be we strive to have happiness and balance. They love drama and keeping you on your toes

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  5. hi HG

    i have a question: are you interested in changing yourself at all? i’m just curious, and you need not answer, since it is a personal question. my person will not ever change his thinking or behavior because he does not have any problems, the problem is the rest of the world. everyone else is wrong and he is right. to me, change isn’t all that difficult. i have changed myself and my behavior a great deal (for the better i think). do you think you are capable of change (for yourself, if it were something you wanted, not for anyone else)? cheers
    thank you

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  6. You know HG I am going to be really blunt here. I hear you loud and clear. You became the puppet through manipulation, the very same manipulation you use on women to try harder and harder and set them up against what you are clarifying that has created you into the person that you are today. No wonder you and N’s feel dehumanised! The expectations for you to perform with’ not quite good enough’ consistent negativity from primary caregivers, even school teachers, etc is coming from that person’s inadequacies and you beat yourself into submission. You were groomed that way, it is the reason that other children may have had negative connotations around their own achievements and went the other way to you, rebelled and made a pact with themselves, not to use the gifts they possessed in rebellion.

    Off topic a little but I was watching a comedian a few nights ago and out of his comedy came some very serious issues that the crowd kept applauding and laughing to. I could not understand why the sheeple people were laughing yet not appearing to consider the deep treachery and sadness of this man deep down. One of the jokes were that kids were abused so much by the parent/s then flogged at school so unless you were abused it was like, what’s wrong with you mate, you are telling me that you don’t get abused, everyone get’s abused!

    So you accomplish and you write and and and and and and…he uses comedy and songwriters use music and so on. Can you not see that the empty place that cannot be filled, (fuel) will continue to exist because you have been programmed and not intending to insult you here, but you were someone’s little performing monkey on a chain! You have been put through it, so your outlook to have to pay it forward is what you can control and how you can beat them and how you can take yourself back! See, you are giving them power, yes you are still giving them the power. You are intelligent and can turn it on with the click of a finger on others, do it for yourself. To them (extension of the them that you know deep down who they are) you are still subservient and will continue to be unless you get a grip on the dynamic at play. You will never get some peoples approval and should not be wearying yourself trying and then repeatedly filling the void with the emotions that you have locked into a neat parcel (not the right place and time, HG box) or the not good enough HG box). We are all products of our environments I believe over genetic predispositions.

    You know that feeling good is not the bandage that you require at the expense of others feelings and that is why you do everything that you can, right or wrong, good or bad because it is transient and not lasting. You don’t want to be ignored, how do you think people that have had faith in you feel when it is you ignoring them? You don’t care, okay got it and must do all in your control to manufacture a system where you avoid that at all costs and what you avoid is where it lays for you to break the shackles and for you to man up to those who tampered with your development and become unpredictable to them! Turn it around, you can do it- take the pressure of yourself and stop performing for them, you are the one who has strings attached and they are dancing you all over the shop like a puppet.

    I feel for you because I have watched this play out in someone very close to me and they are in the same dark place that you are and yet cannot recognise it at all. I don’t know what else to say but Hell man, take stock and swing around a give them the bird! I was not raised on tough love at all, yet I know I am so much stronger and more courageous than the puppet in my life that like you believes he is in control yet I too, see the boy inside of him that has been shut away in some desert like place and you know what if I had hurt people consistently as he has I know, that I could not live myself.

    You must identify this (fuel) another word for feeling good and all of the extensions to gain it for you to become the complete person, the part of you they still OWN. Whilst they have that HG, you are their victim! There is that silly comedy called Keeping up Appearances- My suggestion to you- DON’T!

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  7. Mr. Tudor, you have all my love and my attention. Well I love the others too…
    But that’s beside the point. You are #1.
    Can you please write about how a first date would be with you? How you go about love bombing…
    I want to live vicariously. I will light up some candles, turn on the fireplace, and play a little Marvin Gaye, while reading.

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  8. I think this is one of my favorite!!
    I look forward too reading your words every day.
    You write with such smoothness, at the end of it I feel so enlightened.

    Thank you!!

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  9. I read ‘Fuel.’ It is excellent and explained concepts very thoroughly. However, i still have a question, which this article reminded me of. You have limited emotion. Thus, you need our emotional response to fuel you. But how is it that our emotions fuel you?

    1) Is it because without our emotions, you would eventually forget how to mimic emotions altogether? But it would take months to forget, would it not? So then why do you require fuel multiple times per day, be it love, hate, or any emotion, in abundance?
    Or
    2) Do our emotions fill the void/emptiness inside you? If so, how can our emotions fulfill you? Usually self fulfillent can only be generated from within.

    Another point- you feel fury and hate, so why do you like anger or hate from others, when those are emotions you can generate yourself?

    Thank you.

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    1. If I cause you to generate anger and hate, even though I know those emotions well, by being able to cause an empathic person to do that, I am made to feel powerful because they are emotions you prefer to keep under control.
      Your emotional response fuels me because it validates that I am something because I caused an effect in you and others. It matters not what that effect is so long as it is an emotional output directed to me or caused by me.

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      1. So, without the fuel, you would feel like you’re not something? That you’re nothing? Empty?
        So it is the void that you’re trying to fill? How does the void feel? My narc says it feels like ‘an emptiness of mind’
        Do you feel non-existant without fuel, almost as if you are not real? Like you are in a movie watching your own life? My narc says he feels like he’s in a movie. I cannot understand this, and he cannot elaborate.
        Thank you HG. Am i asking too many questions? Sorry…

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  10. “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get.”
    Es el título de una canción de Morrissey (The Smiths).
    Me gusta especialmente. Y su voz.
    La escucho mientras escribo.
    Y es que la indiferencia no siempre es indiferencia.
    En absoluto.
    Muchas Gracias.

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  11. I play the ignore game now. I can travel for hours and days with him and pretend that he doesn’t exist. Be in the same room. Not one word. Not one look. No emotion directed to him but happy with all others present. If he wants to treat me this way he deserves what he gets back.

    Nothing + Nothing = Nothing

    Before going no contact I said, “the game is over. He said, “the game has to change”. Stalemate

    I will always love him. After all he picked me and he didn’t have too.

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  12. HG, 1. what would you describe to be a very embarrassing/ humiliating experience for you?
    2. How does a site like this make you feel/ react?

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