Birthday Blues
They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.
Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.
On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.
Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,
“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”
You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,
“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”
When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.
Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for one, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.
- We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
- We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
- We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
- We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
- We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.
This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.
We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”
32 thoughts on “Birthday Blues”
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My narc took his mistress to California for my 50th birthday. A total wanker.
This article was perfect timing. Happy 26th birthday to my ex narc! It was the 18th of December and first one in years I haven’t been there for him. Surprising I was okay with it. I’ve come a long way.
Forgot to mention in relation to my mum whenever i ask what would you like for your birthday her response is..nothing. its her way of sulking because our family is broken but that was entirely her doing. I buy her a gift anyways and do a nice dinner up for her. Now that i know what im dealing with it doesnt affect me as much anymore
She only forgot my birthday three times in five years. The last year took me out for a sandwich and ice cream she said. Sandwich no ice cream, never mentioned it, acted like nothing happened. Thank you HG, some fuel for you, for letting us into your mind. You have opened my eyes.
I know what you mean – I did a lot for the N but he never said thank you. NEVER. And then I brought him a gift — no thank you – and when I asked a few weeks after – he was like yeah whatever – the cologne I am wearing is way better. ‘Smell this’ he said proudly. I thought I should lie and say oh sorry i think it got mixed up etc etc but what struck me was that even if you’re honest with someone about not liking what they got you – there is a basic polite way of doing this? Now I am wondering if he did that to hurt me or if he is just brash and didnt mean it.. what say HG?
Also, he sent the new girl flowers and is being overtly romantic :'(
NSS I hope you have an amazing time!
2 birthday in relationship with me: the last year I received only a message on my wall on FB at 7.45 p.m. with his wishes (i never have received a present from him for any occasion…never); this year nothing…he forget my birthday…
You can imagine my disappointment and sadness.
Pfft ! The last birthday I had with narc was a milestone & the worst ever .
I thought that just for one day he could be nice even send me a card ( he never did) But no, true to form all I got from him was a big fat silent treatment.
In a couple of days time it’ll be my second birthday narc free & I’m going to party like it’s 1999 well according to ” Prince ” anyway.
Champagne anyone ? xx
My exN did no.1 to me in September as part of the devaluation, gaslighting & smearing. It was a major part of the discard plan from the start. He knew my b’day. He remembered in May when we reunited after 26 years. (A conversation he later denied) I remember his every August.(it falls on the due date of my first 3 children that died) Early on he sent a funny email on ‘don’t forget your wife’s b’day’. I also gave it to him for the Platinum Visa card that I never wanted or used. (but of course according to the smear I did) When I calmly enquired why someone who loved me so much would forget (which I never believed with his memory) & that it was part of a loving r’ship to know these things about each other I was abused & told it was my fault for not telling him, that he was ‘busy’ & ‘working’ in NZ at the time. He then used it in the smearing as apparently I was ungrateful for all he had bought & done for my daughter & I. None of which I had ever expected or asked for.
Needing to vent tonight. Saw a new psych today who thought gaslighting meant he had tried to set me on fire…
All typical behaviours JR and do indeed vent here.
I do like your comment about the new psych, time for a new psych I suspect!
Yes, she was discarded. 😉
I found this site while trying to prove to myself that my ex is a narcissist…after 3 days of reading, I’m not so sure it isn’t me. Lol
that’s why noone ever will ever know when my birthday is… it’s pointless.
and painful. I do not celebrate it and my friends and family are aware I hate it and kindly do it secretly but not on that day….they don’t know the resons though. ..
Horrible .. yet so true
wow. brilliant! exactly what i go through on every holiday. you are so spot on, well done!
Thank you Bowersusan.
You knew it was my birthday, tomorrow!
Happy Birthday 🎂 Gloss. Don’t be angry at Mr. Tudor. There was a mix up at the bakery and they misspelled.
Made me laugh.
Thank you, Love, for B-day wish <3 <3 <3
Lol i just love your posts love 😂
Happy birthday gloss! 🙂
Thanks Adele. I’m here all week. Try the veal. 😉
You must be a better write than you are a cake decorator
Happy Birthday to you, too, Bastard!
Number 5 is my narcs tactic. This yr he did something so very thoughtful. It really touched me and still does. The next day he stood me up and didnt get back to me till late evening with an excuse that he took his relax meds and fell asleep.
I really believe the narc has to neutralize anything good they do out of fear of intimacy by doing something nasty afterwards.
It all makes sense now…
He sent me a text message at exactly midnight which stated, “I hope you can enjoy your birthday today.”
My immediate thought was, Why wouldn’t I be able to enjoy my birthday???
Because he had made plans of ruining it that evening, in which he did…
And by the following day he’s acting like everything was fine.
This is the exact feeling of dread i get before any sort of celebration. Quite often he doesnt ruin things but there are times he does. Its that mistrust which is so awful. What mood will they be in and will they do something to undo any good they mightve done. Walking on eggshells.
My charming narcissistic sociopath would without fail every year on my birthday would give himself and I a gift . His been similar to what he gave me but his would be twice as flashy and expensive. And to top the day off when it came to me blowing out the candles on my cake would never sing along with our children but sit and glare at me .
Wow, you really go above and beyond to make yourself and everybody else miserable!! … dreadful to think what you are like at Christmas, Mr. HG Scrooge! 😀
there is an amazing post about Christmas more like poem here I’ll try to find it if You haven’t read it it’s from last year! brings shivers down the spine!
I have not found it, Hypnotised, but thank you for mentioning it, I will have another look! 🙂