Needing Release

needing

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.

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28 thoughts on “Needing Release”

  1. Lovely. What you failed to notice was that during the first third of your self-absorbed rant, I had left the house.

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  2. This must be after the grand finale discard.
    In the 5 yrs together its always been me who broke things off and hes hoovered. Id never run after any man that no longer wanted me and made it clear. Id be deeply hurt but theres no use hanging on after someone no longer wants you. The hoovering has made it difficult to not go back and especially when youre codependant on that person. The anxiety and depression after a breakup wears a person down

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  3. Wow wow wow! It was so fascinating HG. That is exactly of my life now with my ex narc. He cannot let go even I was with NC for more than 8 months.

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  4. HG very nicely written, everything is just so good to read.

    so my status is
    I am discard and ignore mode. she is on new supply: love bombing status, rushing to marry him probably with in a year. He think she is her soulmate because she did triangulation with me and him.
    Previous 3 relations failed. 1 divorce, she is like 30 now.
    She think i could be treat to her new relation.
    I just want to be good friends with her. Might see her end of December at a event. How do i communicate when i see her?

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  5. How timely. JN’s last few Hoovers over the last month definitely had this undercurrent from trying to convince me that he’s human and not the monster I made him in my reality. That I am actually like a vampire feeding on lust and playfulness. And lastly he has wanted to create the right “civil” moment so he could ease out of anything to do with me because he can never see being with me ever again.
    I take it if old me were to keep reaching out and begging to reconsider, the next blow would be that he’s now found someone new, who’s perfect and not toxic?
    No thanks. Don’t need to sit thru that conversation. Fascinating how JN always catches up to your blog pieces.

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  6. I think HG is quite clear here. He is stating that a woman could torment a narcissist. She may hold some power which ensnares them back in. They can be conned.

    They dislike feeling like they cannot pull away or stay away as they have much to do and many other women to see.

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    1. I would agree with that as well. As during the whole relationship, when he began pushing me away, I always knew the right things to say to bring him back. Whether it be taking the blame for some conceived wrong I had done to him…or providing him with fuel as to how wonderful he was. It was in my realization that it was becoming a game of cat and mouse between us that I decided I no longer wanted to play. Because in all reality there is no “winning ” for either side…at least not in the end. However, if one chooses, it truly is a game that could be played forever.

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  7. I find it fascinating that with many of your entries I read…in the beginning they seem to be from the targets perspective but as it goes on it becomes obvious it’s from the narcissist’s perspective. We are such similar creatures. ..like opposite sides of the same coin. It really opens up my eyes to how the narcissist does what he does. He is driven by many of the same thought processes. ..they are just more malignant and self serving. I suppose that is because in all reality we are both codependent. ..addicts…needing something from the outside to fill what is missing on the inside.

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    1. I’m not quite ready to accept that I am the yin to the yang of the narcissist! I have dated ‘normal’ men, although I will concede that my last two relationships were most defiantly with narcissistic men. The first wasn’t particularly vindictive, so I’m not sure exactly what end of the scale he was on. However, the latter, ooft, nightmare. Two years later I’m still getting over it, but this blog has given me so much insight, and reassurance that I was actually right all along, he was the source of all the crazy! I am curious, if you don’t mind me asking Julie, what you think it is about your personality that attracted the narc in the first place, right at the beginning? I’m wondering as I recently ventured into online dating, and the first date I went on was with a man, with, you guessed it, narc traits, without a doubt! I need to know what i’m doing that’s attracting this type of man!

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      1. Hello Leigh, in terms of understanding why you are attract our kind, read Sitting Target and also see the articles on the blog about The Online Empathic Target and The Narcissist Online – Somatic

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      2. Leigh, that is the million dollar question is it not? I think for me it was different with each narcissist I attracted into my life. For 1 (there were 4…sigh) I believe he zoned in on my deep commitment to my faith, as I met him at church. Once hooked in he used (as they all do) my sense of wanting to nurture and help to keep me hooked…playing the victim of life. “Everything and everyone is against me” …and of course I didn’t want to be included in that list…so I vehemently tried my best to fix his life…show him real love…all they things we do to try and guide their kind into the realm we think everyone does (or at least should ) live in. But of course. ..that was neither his desire or agenda. So the more I tried…the harder and more violently he pushed back. Number 3 , I met online….my profile was based solely on my love for my cat…and animals in general. I now see how very revealing that can be about ones self. It doesn’t just say “I love animals” it also says…I am overly giving to something outside of myself. ..and probably have been hurt in the past…all prime fodder for the narcissist. He zoned in on those weaknesses and then used the empathy he saw I had for my cat to worm his way into my life and my home…he too was a “victim of the world and bad circumstances “. As with number one I valiantly rose to the challenge to help his poor mistreated soul…and he loved and then eventually hated me for it. Violence ensued and the fear then lashed me to him. In the end he used my cat against me…as he was dying (my cat ) and he used my grief and desperation to save him as a way to keep pushing my buttons. Lastly 2 and 4 both saw an opportunity to be the hero. As you can see, they both came after violent narcissist 1 and 3. They were saving me from the evil forces who had infiltrated my life. Number 2 (the only one I was married to) was the least malignant of the group. His abuse mainly focused on proving his superiority at every turn. I never understood why he felt the need for this…as I saw it as a good thing to have a smart and able partner. But he seemed to see it as a threat to his overall greatness. And then there’s number 4…who I would say was the worst of the whole group. He was definitely a wolf in sheep’s clothing. (I know they all are to an extent ) but he truly appears to be one of the “good guys”. And with that he fooled me time and time again…I kept convincing myself that he wasn’t the monster that sometimes appeared. ..surely I was wrong and he was just pushed by me or some other force to react in the damaging ways he did.
        I think in all of this the similarity in my personality that drew all of them to me was openness. We as empathetic people tend to believe that people in general are good and don’t consider that our willingness to open ourselves up too fast too soon only lights up a flashing sign to predators. In things that we see as innocent comments or coy thoughts…they see as an open door to walk thru.

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      1. Thanks for the reply Julie, and so sorry you had to endure 4 relationships like that. You must be mentally exhausted! It’s interesting to me the characteristics you mention. I’m not nurturing at all, not maternal in the slightest and have been described as ‘antisocial’ ‘a loner’ and ‘a lone wolf’, which I agree, is an accurate description. However, I dote on my dog, and I did use this in my online dating profile, and bam, I attracted a man who used to have the same breed of dog, and oh, you like Sci-fi? So do i! I went on one date and exchanged many messages with him, and started to feel a slight irritation, something didn’t seem right. Thankfully my subconscious was on the ball and we dodged a bullet there. Maybe narcissistic men are so commonplace that regardless of our own personalities, statistically we are bound to cross paths with a few? I’m not convincing myself here at all. I almost literally jumped through flaming hoops to please my ex, because I felt sorry for him, he couldn’t help it, her had mum issues…..excuse after excuse. So maybe I now know how he snared me, but what attracted him in the first place? I’m pretty sure my boss has NPD. I found him totally overbearing, full on alpha-male, and my reaction was to try and get away from him, not engage him in conversation and try and not attract any attention from him, which seemed to draw him more to me! I need to research this more as I feel I am missing a significant aspect of either my own personality or that of the narcissist. Thanks again Julie, its heartening to know that other intelligent women have experienced this.

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  8. Very interesting, H.G. I’ve heard all those words before coming from him(telling me what he said to her) and also while he was on the phone with her. Has the tables turned? Is he the one needy now? Or is this part of his mind game toward me? I didn’t believe him
    H.G. You’re a genius! I’m learning a lot from reading your post/book
    Thank you

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  9. Who are you talking about H.G? Her(girlfriend),him or the narcissistic? Is he talking to himself? I swear I’ve heard those words before coming from him..

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      1. What throws me off is I heard him say this to her on the phone…
        I’ve read your blog again at the end he’s says go.. I think HE’S talking to HIMSELF
        Thank you for inside of the mind of a N, You’re teaching me a lot.

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  10. At the beginning, it seems like the victim is needing to be released. While reading the article, it becomes ambiguous, and then the climax at the end reveals the truth. It’s the narcissist who wants to be released!
    Ultimate projection! Excellent article!

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  11. My spouse won’t let me near him… 🙂 for many good reasons mainly of his doing if I’m truthful but I also never fully let myself off the hook for my part either for I gave as good as I got…so you can imagine his delight, but he always got his way by hook or crook and upping the anti and my giving in as we do…until finally I didn’t…He got greedy and broke his appliance himself on purpose.
    Many of you here a while have surly read some or most of my comments depending how closely you follow the blog.
    I assure you all that I have missed none of yours.
    Some of you will be familiar with my previous statement of our 27 years together…and now 5 separated…
    He knows that at this stage in our relationship that we would both want to hug each other and kill each other at the same time…I guess he thinks I might not stop short with that chair next time…and having taken away his big shiny “Red” truck, the Volvo just doesn’t seem like the proper Drive through your wife vehicle I guess.
    So where is this article taking me tonight?…well HG…you know I am a firm believer in the yin and yang and the Alpha and Omega…the N and the E being equal and opposite…the same but only slight differences (hence why I love these type of articles written in the voice of both)
    Thank-you for this one too. Well done.
    So alas he says to me 2 months ago, I’ve searched deep down and I don’t need you…you just want to see me & be near me because you believe your sheer presence will sway me…so then I gave him a few words of fuel and indifference for 2 weeks just as he planned…while he then as he secretly believes it is planned to jumped ship on another job to get away from authorities again…(10th time now) then he gave me the about 7 week silent treatment then broke it (of course not because I asked him to but when he chose) with his Christmas card…which I thanked him for… then his Email came…
    He needs me to sign another agreement as I’ve mentioned.
    I refuse without discussion or a face to face meeting…hence his statements above.
    HG a rare question from me…is he playing truth or dare or both this time…by the above statements 😉
    There was no wishing him a “MC” just an acknowledgement of a desire to be able to accommodate a child hood fantasy wish and also wished pleasant weekend similar to the wish and greeting that I offered you. (and yes as I said I write him in between after I break my silence)…I go nuts after my own imposed 2 weeks he know this…I don’t go silent and wait for a hoover…so he punishes me for my not cooperating with what he wants in the first place…and then adds more for good measure, you know how it goes
    His email response…
    As I do you.
    I hope you have a pleasant weekend.
    May the gods smile upon you.
    and luck be close by.

    Now…you and I both know that MOFO is always as cryptic and obtuse as they come…and I’m usually one of the best at reading his real or imagined innuendos lol.
    Sometimes…they mean nothing and as you know are just meant to sound and look good…to everyone else…other times…you bet your bippy…they are packed full of double knot talk and intention and clues.

    I’m tired…lol…help a gal out will ya please…as well rehearsed as I am in your work, what the F is he saying this time…
    yeah, he’s known to say be careful what you wish for…because he loves to make both wishes and nightmares come true.

    It mainly Just feels like more taunting and hoo ha stalling and future faking…as he again promises a call in the new year. lol. to you guessed it…discuss “things”.
    He never leaves one job without another in place at least but his running now after 5 years of this is at an average now of about every 4 months and as expected is a mixture of all new and old standard places for jobs and friends now he has got to know over this 5 years and our home province (only when he has to or when hes looking to get even up close with personal payback or triangulation)…so hes hard core trying to not give me what I want in order to get his supposed needs met…which he leads me to believe is help with variations, agreements and divorce. I say supposed because he really doesn’t want anything of the sort but to most likely as you say but just to put more notches on his belt, keep blaming, keep running playing the victim and trying to bring me and him down with his usual tried and true.

    Agreement…sure it benefits him…I made sure it would, i wrote it up.
    I dangled big carrots that let him off the hook a lot more than some would and the authorities wont…unless this gets to court to replace the original orders.
    But I ask a further price on top of it which is to discuss the agreement face to face. you see I don’t want to be separated, I still just want my life back. so…as long as we are not together…he monetarily pays through the nose…they take half his pay, all his tax refunds, any EI, bonuses, vacation pay…and he still owes me 34 grand and climbing, so say good bye to old age pension too at his tender age. it was a great deal larger than that but remaining half of his RRsp’s and large tax refunds have taken it down substantially. (which I spent 9 months as his tax administrator for over 4 years of un done and purposely screwed up taxes to ensure I did not get it at first…then it was used as blackmail to get him out of hot water…I did all the work…I got the money I had already worked for and he got to play and work his regular routine They do all this everywhere he goes till he runs then it starts over again…he gains a bit during the moves and then his arrears climb. We are in the ultimate tug of war …without another agreement…he can’t touch any money I earn on my own up to a certain amount…without going to court and refuses…
    Sounds like we are both happy campers right.

    I gain many strides although still ill that he tries his hardest to jeopardize…and he loses strides financially while he tries to convince others he’s ok and I am not well.
    Yeah, cause only someone ill would make you do what you don’t want to
    in order to get their way and ruin you financially as well.
    Now be a good husband and give in why don’t you.
    It will all go away…as soon as you give in DEAR. 😉
    Everything you own…that dies and you buried…will return to you…like Stephen kings Pet cemetery…His name is Stephen and we did call each other PET after all.
    So much more going on…but in essence, this is the gist.
    He is a mid range passive aggressive leaning more toward the greater end of the spectrum. like I said before, military & melita background well rehearsed in Gorilla warfare
    Thanks for any expended energy on this HG
    Yours truly.

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  12. Wow H.G.
    This article made me cold all over. Please correct me if I am wrong-it seems that he is speaking to his discarded PS but in reality he is speaking to himself. Is this correct? I can now understand some of this cryptic message. Much of what you wrote I have heard, bits and pieces and I never understood what in the world he was talking about. Is this how your kind really see us empaths? Does your inability to feel empathy or love make you really hate us somewhere inside? When you write: “What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence.” I don’t understand this- and i really want to. . .
    When he stated, “just let me go” this puzzled me-I am not holding you, I would reply and then he would look so sad-I am trying to understand so I can close the book and these questions will stop haunting me. I have learned so much from you and will continue to do so. Very grateful

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