The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self Doubt

the-seven-sins

In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.

  1. Is it actually my fault?

 

We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.

  1. Did I love him enough?

 

How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheer scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.

  1. Was I wrong to leave?

 

This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) of our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success sf for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What if he could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.

  1. Should I have given him another chance?

 

Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.

  1. What if someone else makes him happy?

 

Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.

  1. Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have

 

There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?

  1. Did I deserve it?

 

You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?

 

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9 thoughts on “The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self Doubt”

  1. See, this is what I mean: you have excellent writing in so many ways. One of them being how you help us understand Narcs, and the other way being how you understand everyone else (like Empaths). Doesn’t this level of understanding require empathy though? Or is it just because you were once upon a time screwed over so badly yourself that you can remember how this feels?

    I hope that’s not to forward. I’m genuinely curious to this thread that’s woven through your writing. Out of all the Narc writer’s I used to inform myself, I enjoy your writing the most.

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    1. Thank you LBML. No, it is as a consequence of the level of intellect I have, allied by my need to understand and to be in control through the accumulation of knowledge. The more I know about myself, my kind and our victims the more effective I become. I observe, I watch, I note and then I assimilate. Thanks for asking.

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  2. 1) it is never my fault
    2)did I ever rally love him at all?
    3) I am never wrong and I am never wrong to leave.
    4)I did give you a chance, the moment I started talking to you.
    5)Ah Yeah, this is my ego trying t put in her two cents. Damn my ego!
    6) I helped him when I gave him the 1st chance.
    7)I deserve anything I took when I left, be it children or money.

    I am thinking this is not the same list an overly empathic would write. But this is my list.

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  3. It is a sin we feel like that… we shouldn’t and yet we do. All of them apply except for no. 7. I never felt like I deserved any of it and never felt weak. I know i’m strong and I know they knew … and hated it.

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  4. I have survived three narcissist… the first was deadly, the second one wounded me enough to keep me wandering what I did wrong. I skipped gracefully the last one a couple of weeks ago, without an emotional scratch, I knew who he was.

    My friends told me the reason why I get hooked up with narcissist is because I’m fascinated by their psychological profile. Indeed, I saw them as a conquer and a battle; at the time I was sure I was going to succeed. It was a conscious decision, I knew there was something wrong but I wanted to save them as part of “showing off” my altruist spirit. How far I was from the truth…

    All my ideas of “good” and “bad” have been tested and it has been a rocky journey of growth and learn. I don’t see myself as a victim, at the end, all of them were choices I made; whether I was mentally prepared or emotionally equipped to deal with, it’s a different thing.

    My fascination brought me to this blog, I have always admired eloquence and persuasion and of course seduction.

    I wish to all the individuals that have been haunted by these little devils, strength and peace of mind. It has been tough daily work to get out of that mind labyrinth, but believe me is totally rewarding.

    Enjoying freedom…

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  5. Yes, all of these. Except number five. If he finds someone to make him happy, then I would be happy for him. I’m not monogamous and never wanted to be. I wouldn’t want him to be denied happiness just because it didn’t work with me.

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  6. My husband was a very troubled man when we met. I pridefully wanted to ‘save’ him, show him love, and make him happy. There were moments he seemed to enjoy, but mostly he battled and refused to accept that we appreciated him . Almost 30 years later, he took his own life, and you’ve written explicitly, the composition of my thoughts.
    It’s easier now, to have no contact, of course. I’m now working through realizing he really wasn’t wanting to live. That it wasn’t my failure. Giving him his way, and trying again and again, was NOT compassion. I was sadly trying to prove my own worth. Now I’m humbled to accept I couldn’t ever have saved him. I admit I was as addicted to being a saviour, as he was to denying he needed one.

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