Why Is He Always In My Head?


“He is always in my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

22 thoughts on “Why Is He Always In My Head?

  1. This article is bang on! Thank you HG!!

  2. Sue says:

    Hi, thank you so much for your insightful articles and books, of which I have purchased many. They have all been helping me understand what I have been enduring for the past 8 years of my life. They are like reading my own life story & it makes me feel sane and that things weren’t my fault.
    I had kept a journal when things got crazy to make me recall the bad times as the golden periods can make you forget.
    We have been on & off so much it is seriously a joke.. He has cheated on me more times than I would even know. He has lost so many jobs in this time too and has been unemployed more than employed.. He has zero money, his car was repossessed & he has angry mood swings, and has never once said sorry (maybe once when he was desperate to get me back) and promised he would change & that he missed me and he had looked in the mirror & that things would be different this time. Etc etc. He would disappear without a word on many occasions and would punish me with no communications. I am not exaggerating in fact it is worse than what I can even express.
    But here is the thing.. We have ended again, he lost his job again & this time I’d had enough & told him so, so he disappeared.. Here is the stupidest part of all, now I can’t stop thinking about him again. I know what he is & what he does behind my back but I made contact with him again, after I had blocked him & was attempting no contact. I need to get my head over him.. It is ruining my life.. I feel empty and like I am a black hole inside without him but drained of energy and life when with him.
    Please help me get over this.. I do see a councillor due to it, but as it the holiday season she is away. It really is that bad and more. Please help, its been 8 years too long. Im 53 now & he is 54 with 2 marriages under his belt. Help please Im going crazy & Im a strong independent woman in every other aspect of my life.
    Thank you.

  3. 教授 🇬🇧🇬🇧🎶🔔🎶🇬🇧🇬🇧 教授

  4. 💕💕💕

  5. Stringbean Jean says:

    Memories fade with time and acceptance, of being had.
    I can laugh now, thankfully. Although it helps he was morbidly obese and not very good looking so I do cringe a little I suppose, and pity my desperation at the time.
    These articles, in terms of romantic relationships, are the real eye opener, to ones own naivety.
    That was the hardest highest hurdle for me, accepting my part.
    Looking at and dissecting what i considered a pretty good childhood was major. Turned out NPD was much closer to home than I ever could have imagined.
    Grieving for the childhood I should’ve had and learning to love self were key to recovery. Wiped out and cut off a few people, it was brutal and frightening but essential to results, eliminating toxic guilt and shame.
    Good articles here, read a handful.
    Thanks HG Tudor, it’s good to know this alarming/chilling info. Really helpful in keeping one step ahead. Sam Vaknin must be on alert, new narc on the block !
    Two cold machines offering insights. Lucky us 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Stringbean Jean and welcome on board, thanks for your kind words and I look forward to your further observations.

      1. Stringbean Jean says:

        Likewise, HGT. I find your delivery more palatable than the boring academic lecture style of Vaknin, and his witty sidekick interpreter.
        It will be interesting to see how blog develops if ever the good doctors should crack the safe (good luck with that dear docs).
        You are right in terms of ‘your kind’ always being narcissistic and my kind always being empaths (not sure which article you wrote that). We are what we are. There is no cure really, just acceptance, awareness and choice.
        I will always have a neon forehead signage reading ‘WELCOME’ but now with small print ‘beware the grey rock’. Cheers HGT! Cheers Easter Island!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Jean. Who is his interpreter and why does he have one is that because he is too dry for people?

  6. Mona says:

    Yes, it is true, what you write down. But you told us in for example “fury”, that all, what you did in the golden period, was an illusion. You only mirrored us and that we loved “only” ourselves. That was the key for me. There were only one or two sentences, the rest was all about your fury. In the golden period for the first time of my life I loved me. I loved the things, I never was allowed to love in my childhood. I showed behaviour, which was forbidden, when I was a child. I loved my sins too. Now I am able to love myself and to do things, that I like. I am not forced anymore to do all day long good things to be loved. I do not forget the narcs in my life, but they do not matter that much anymore. I love me with all my sins. I now allow myself to feel all feelings. If it is sorrow, hate, fury, envy or any other kind of feeling, which was not allowed, I do now feel them.. They are part of my whole being. There is no what you would call “creature” inside of me. That idea/belief: I am not ok, everybody else is ok., faded away. So, thank you for healing me. I am ok, some outside are ok too and others are not. And I decide,who is welcome to my castle. I am still learning. I am not gullible anymore and I will not go overboard with something.. I throw away a lot of my masks. (Not all of them, they help a lot, when I meet someone with negative traits). There is now an “I”, solid and full of pride and love and hate. I am one person with one chore. I have my values and I will follow them. I am also able to discover narcs and avoid them or manipulate them as you do. Why should I not do that? They want to be manipulated. That is their way to see life. I just talk about narcs which cross my way like shop-men,colleagues,craftsmen. I tell them, what a capable and adorable person…they are, take my advantage and leave them behind. Thank you, H.G.

  7. Matilda says:

    Bittersweet it feels for weeks afterwards. As soon as the reality of the situation hits you, and you learn about the true meaning of his behaviour, all good memories lose their last hints of sweetness.

    There is a long period of bitterness, which very slowly but surely turns into indifference. Some moments resurface when I get triggered, but I am not hurt anymore!

    Pretty disappointing, eh? 🙂

  8. Shesheb says:

    The narc sent me hundreds of songs. It was insane the number he sent. Created all these playlist on YouTube “just for me” lol
    Oh and always the 🙂 at the end of everything. I remember seeing him do that with other women on fb.

    1. WP says:

      The Narc I was with did the same with me. Everyday, he sent me more, and publicized them on Facebook. It seemed so romantic!

  9. WP says:

    I do not want my question to make you angry 😡. But, I was just wondering what would happen, as a Sociopath, if you accidentally got castrated, or your thang came off? I mean, I really am curious how a Sociopath would handle this…😞😓I do not wish to make you angry 😵😮

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well you have asked so I will answer.

      1. There is a risk I could bleed to death.
      2. Assuming that did not happen I would be furious at losing a weapon of mass seduction and suffering an insult to my masculinity.
      3. I would take my fury out on those I deemed responsible.
      4. I would take the strap on from The Princess Empath and the Hurt.

      1. Thank you for your answer, HG Tudor. Do you think Lorena Bobbitt would make efficient fuel for you? [As far as negative ⛽️ fuel]. I would not wish for you to bleed to death 😥. I will look 👀 in dictionary to see what a strap on is about. Thank you 😃

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have little doubt that her behaviour would have provided negative fuel.

          1. because it was said.

          2. 🥀🥀🥀教授, good bye. Thank you for all of your plentiful instruction. I am obliged, 教授. Farewell. My time has come to a close, 教授. 🥀🥀🥀

      2. 5. Become Michael Jackson impersonator. Heeee Heeee!*leg kick*
        6. Walking around doing tongue exercises and squeezing a ball for hand and digit strength. (You can always say it’s for er, rock climbing.)

  10. WP says:

    老師, I wish to ask you a question…wait, please. It has not been five [5] days, yet.

  11. Cherry says:

    I really didn’t think he was that clever to deliberately encode . It’s like you all been on a course ” training the narcissist” you got a masters HG well done! (Sarcastic supply of fuel 😉) you don’t need to tell me your the course tutor! On a serious note though he decided to dish out that I was ‘controlling’ you know the script..when I responded that he was controlling he asked how..I said by controlling my emotions.. the splutter of laughter and that nasty vile tone…replied f**k off! Go and read your spiritual books! Hmm…🤔🤔 I would defo love to read my spiritual books cos least I’m not going for a crack pipe 😷👀😷 mockery from a narcaholic brown smoking crack head tho! wow ✌

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