What Do Narcissists Feel?

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It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.

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87 thoughts on “What Do Narcissists Feel?”

  1. Ofcourse You are not walking dead my dear G.! How else would You kiss me with that luscious lips? how else would I hear Your heartbeat while resting my head on Your chest ..how else would I feel pain when trying to love You but You hating me for loving You…

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    1. If you observe HGs comments and replies here you’ll find them quite dry and uaffective. He doesn’t seem particularly happy, whereas the empathetic will splurge on exclamation marks, smileys and heart emojis. Just an observation. I’d be curious to understand more about this feeling of power. It seems like a completely different mode of consciousness.

      I agree the narc was probably created for purposes that us empaths cannot participate in. As a writer, for example, I need my emotions for work. But as a lawyer or CEO they’d be a liability

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      1. An excellent post bar “he doesn’t seem particularly happy” – I do not do happy, Girl.

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  2. This is an excellent insight into the emotional life of a narcissist. Thank you for allowing us in, HG. So when my narc would say that my compliments made him feel good, this “feeling good” really meant I was making him feel powerful? There are no other emotions/sensations/feelings that make up this”feeling good”?

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    1. Thank you and yes. We will of course use the labels that we learn from others but it is fuel which, dependent on the existing fuel level, causes a sensation of eradicating unease, a sense of well-being, power and considerable potential.

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      1. why are You people thanking this monster for a look into the void that is the empty seat where the soul he murdered used to preside?

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      2. First of all, Elisa, I don’t believe he murdered his own soul. Read further and educate yourself, just as the rest of us have done over time. You may not thank him, but I will for the simple fact that he helped to save my life and my soul from the depths of despair. Yes, I don’t agree with what he’s done in his life, but I won’t deny the fact that he’s taught me more about myself and his kind than anyone else ever could have. Because of his words and teachings, and opening up to his into way of being, I will forever be grateful to him. THANK YOU, HG for all that you are! For without you being you, I wouldn’t have been able to find me.

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    1. Mine says he feels an emptiness of mind, like his brain won’t wake up. 😔
      It is so sad to read this. I wish u didn’t have to live like this. Well at least you’re not schizophrenic. I’ve heard it’s worse, with the constant hallucinations.

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  3. The secret to your emptiness that you can never keep satisfied eludes the high intelligence of your mind, and you are so very smart. No, you weren’t born this way. Keep searching, the answer is hidden within what you do. It’s simple, quit trying to complicate it.

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    1. I should haved added this: Ask yourself: When did you first feel a great powerlessness? Do you remember? What is a narcissist empty of that cannot be fulfilled with a substitute? What is the void? Power? No. What is it?

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  4. You are certainly a person with a soul HG. That soul got corrupted at some point and cocooned in darkness. I do believe there is a way out for you. This is a personality disorder not a disease. You have control on many things in your life. Stop caring about things you have no control over, like emotions you do not feel. It is all about circle of control. You are a master of yourself and you own your feelings and your fate. Physiology of human body is amazing. We regenerate and heal in unexpected ways. I am in life science so I know what I am talking about. I am hopeful for you. You deserve better than being yourself. You deserve being a better person and limit the demage around you that ultimately does not work to your advantage. Amen.

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  5. I want to ask you about those who have climbed the ladder of success who engage in fantasy narratives and false mentoring. What about people who pretend to mentor another, but only engage in a fantasy of reliving their climb to success, whilst gaining negative fuel from unfavorably comparing you to themselves? Also there may be an additional layer to the fantasy narrative, where they convince themselves that you — the one whom they have given the illusion of being mentored — has planned to fail, so as to heighten the comparative success story of the narcissist.

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  6. Its a huge step to bare your vulnerable side. Not easy. Thank you for writing this for us to read. I have complete faith in what you are doing both in terms of your work with the good doctors and in your own excellence of application on everything you put your mind to. The answers will unfold. Its only a matter of time xxx.

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  7. Interesting.. I thought you felt nothing except for your own needs to be met. I was lied to and manipulated. Why not make up your mind about whom you truly loved if at all. Torn between two women. But yet wanting it all. Never caring of the other hurt as her heart was being ripped out. My pain is still deep. It will take a while. Think about that

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  8. This is a very honest post, laying bare your vulnerabilities… it takes courage to write this.

    I believe that we are born with the full range of emotions to varying degrees (=temperaments). Nothing is lost. Feelings are buried, and could be recovered if one wanted to.

    With regard to achievements, I would like to point out that we are all gifted with a different set of talents and skills. You cannot possibly be ‘the best’ at everything -even if you tried- for you would be competing against the world. This way of thinking is futile and unnecessarily sets you up for disappointment, envy and ignited fury.

    And even if athletes won gold medals, and you did not. So what?! It does not mean that you are less than them! It does not mean that you have to have a gold medal as well to be respected or adored! And it certainly does not mean that you are being criticised for *not* having one. That’s not how it works!

    The few honest ones in your toxic social circles spend time with you *for you*, not for a car or a gold medal. You do not show them your true self however, as you might not believe that the real you is loveable. And you might feel the urge to prove yourself worthy of affection in the only way you know: being an achiever.

    “I am walking towards something.”

    You are. I have read some early posts of yours. The tone of your responses has changed – less harsh or abrupt, milder, with a tendency towards playfulness. You do not have to be the big, bad wolf in this space 🙂

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  9. As always, HG, a very interesting post. The one feeling you do not mention feeling is shame and, according to Sam Vaknin, the only thing a narcissist ever truly feels is shame — for failing to be God. When we are born to a parent (or parents) to whom we are expected to be narcisstic supply and we disappoint them ( for who can ever please a narcissist?) there are basically two ways to go. The future narcissist ( who’s too young to know it’s the parent’s job to make them happy, love them unconditionally, not the reverse) burdened with the shame of not being enough, erects the narcisstic false self to cover the shame. The child who has managed to figure out that if they just please the parent and provide supply they’ll survive with a little something in this shitty deal becomes the codependent, always putting the narcissistic ‘s parent’s need before his own. The true self does not get supplanted it just walks around be pissed off and put upon. In any case here, as it relates to you and your admirable search for answers,my suggestion would be that you try to unearth he core trauma here which is buried in your unconscious where your brain stored it in order survive. If the good doctors could get you to really feel that, not merely intellectualize about it, I think it would open you up ( a la your creme brûlée )to all the feelings the rest of can access. It’s an archeological dig of major proportions.The tough part for any narcissist in therapy, again to quote Vaknin, is that healing may be a bad business proposition. You get a lot of perks with this disorder ( And so do we, your faithful readers.) It may not be worth it to you to dig. I think the main thing is that, at a certain age, we all need to accept who we are and be at peace with our natures. Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. Hope you don’t mind the long post.

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  10. I often wondered what if they were just born that way. What if they had a normal childhood? Did they always feel they were different? Should we treat this as we would any other mental or physical disorder? But, then I remember the pain I felt was very real. And, there’s very little or no understanding. The lives they destroy and just move on to their next victim. I have said this before you will never be the same after being involved with a person with NPD. You will never look at people or this world the same. HG, I hope that the counseling will help you consider others people feelings and resist the urge to cause them harm mentally.

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    1. I agree that a it can destroy people’s lives, my sister has npd and doesn’t even know it, she has cut off from her family members for no real reason and when they try to be in contact she rejects them, she once told me she feels talking about any emotions ( especially childhood ones) physically painful and cannot do it, she tried to see a councillor but said she felt she knew nothing of her and could never help her. It’s been hard for me as I constantly feel pain and hurt over the way she has treated me and very sad she is the way she is, she puts on a false self that she is really caring but it is used for emotional blackmail and controlling people. I’m now trying to grieve for the relationship and let go of a hope that she will suddenly change, I think it is true that something happens in childhood to cause it and possible genetic , my father has npd and she is the first child, very much the golden girl she was in his eyes, he was very abusive to my mother and my sister once said she felt shame as she used to take his side when he did that. The worst part is when they cannot see it in themselves and get very upset with the lack of power over others and lack of real emotional connections.
      I really hope I can move on and accept it and not feel sorry for myself for being hurt by her as this just prolongs the sadness and misery of what they do to people they are meant to “care about” .

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      1. Having this information should help erase any hope of her changing and allow you to manage your expectations of her.

        It doesn’t change who you are as a person or your love for her. You have insight to whats going on with her and you choose how she will fit in your life moving forward.

        Peace and Healing

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  11. Let’s hope it’s muted and you’ll find your way back to those more positive feelings of joy and hapiness. Sometimes it defintely seems like it… nicely written piece.

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  12. I don’t think there’s any hope for you at all. I feel sorry for our world when there are people like you in it – running our countries, starting our wars, chopping down trees, continuing fossil fuels, killing off our animals. The world is a pretty fucked place because of you and people like you.

    But then it’s pretty fucked for all the stupid people in it too. All the stupid people who follow the people like you.

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    1. Jarwithaheavylid….it is prudent to know the enemy’s capabilities. Believe me its awful not knowing how the mind games play out..the tricks and the crazymaking. People lose lose lose so much being entangled in narcissitic abuse. They are harmed terribly. Better to learn here from HG and find answers.
      Knowledge is more than power. It is a weapon for protection and the key to freedom.
      Know the Narcissist.

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    2. Jarwithaheavylid….it is prudent to know the enemy’s capabilities. Believe me its awful not knowing how the mind games play out..the tricks and the crazymaking. People lose lose lose so much being entangled in narcissitic abuse. They are harmed terribly. Better to learn here from HG and find answers.
      Knowledge is more than power. It is a weapon for protection and the key to freedom.
      Know the Narcissist.

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      1. Debbie, you’re so right, knowledge IS power! I am learning so much from HG…it’s so ironic that he doesn’t care lol! Growing up in a Narcissist family, having a high level narcissist boyfriend in high school/college, being married to a covert one for 14 years, and now married to ANOTHER covert one, as well as constantly dealing with all forms at various jobs…I’m glad to finally be “weaponized” against these soul-suckers.
        Know your enemy…Know the Narcissist!

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  13. I do think out world is fucked up too but everyone seems to only complain about it and do shit. I personally do a lot for the community. I do believe people are stupid in majority. But am I that different? I do not know. High IQ does not correspond with usefulness of the specific individual or how other perceive me (for example HG thinks he is better than me even without knowing me just becouse of his NPD). HG at least does something for us. He is helpful. Whatever his gain is. I do not care for his selfish motives. I do not care. It works for me. Thank you to all of you. I enjoy this forum a lot. You are smart group of people that was badly hurt in the past. We all need to allow ourself to heal and the feeling of hatred will vanish with time. Inddiference is our ultimate goal.

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  14. Yes, you are overrepresented in the upper echelons of many fields as achievers, but don’t forget that you are also overrepresented in the prison population. Your kind is common in both realms because you are risk takers, who often live lives of extremes. You also end up in both places since what you seek is external – money, fame etc, as opposed to internal – love, spirtuality, etc

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  15. My narc appeared to have two emotions- happy and angry. Happy when risk taking. thrill seeking, and sometimes openly jovial (lean head back and laugh out loud) when successfully bullying one of our teenage daughters to tears.

    On the other hand, in my experience, I came to the conclusion that he projected his own stifled/paralyzed emotions by provoking them in others.

    For example when his father died and he lost his 9th job in quick succession, he claimed to feel optimistic and happy but made my life such a living hell through deprivation and abuse that I felt afraid, sad, hurt, abandoned, angry, overwhelmed…. all emotions that he should have felt after a job loss.

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  16. You must “miss” sometimes. This I still can’t wrap my head around. Yes, you miss the fuel, traits, & residual benefits of supply — I get it. But let’s say you enjoy playing tennis and you suddenly get injured. You would “miss” playing tennis, right? Can’t you “miss” a person on these grounds too? You had enjoyable conversations with that person or great sex or you both shared a mutual love of jazz, etc — you really don’t “miss” the particular person & your times together, after the discard? There’s never a quiet, wistful moment of, “We really did have fun together…I would love to see her again”?

    And do you ever feel lonely? You can feel lonely in the company of other people, btw. Happens to us empaths all the time. Don’t you ever feel “not understood” and alone among all these normals, for example?

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    1. No because it is the fuel which matters and one might miss the fuel associated with that person (which arises from certain things that person said or did) but because our needs and the way we compartmentalise, what has gone before is put to one side and we focus on the here and now and the future prospects for their fuel. There is no wistfulness.

      I do not feel lonely because I am with people or communicating with people a lot. I understand the concept of being lonely amongst other people. I am repeatedly misunderstood, absolutely.

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      1. HG….How so?
        Re Repeatedly misunderstood? If I was misunderstood I would consider it a bad thing and want to clarify matters because it would bother me since I’m an empath with feelings… you do have feelings but they are negative ones so when you are misunderstood, repeatedly, do people not understand that you are ok as you are? (from your perspective of course) that you don’t want to change and you wish people would stop trying to see what they perceive to be the “good in you” when you see no reason to change as you often say. Since treatment has been forced upon you -do you feel misunderstood because people are appearing to tell you about ‘you’ and you dont want that because you feel it unnecessary? Do you wish that everybody would let you get on with doing what you do? Misunderstanding you by not accepting you are malice/evil etc (as you point out) ?
        I am not suggesting that you care about being misunderstood repeatedly.
        I mean no offence by this remark, not that I’m suggesting you would take any. Since you’ve been working with the good doctors you are certainly thinking along a few different lines and considering possibilities.
        Your “homework” as you call it helps to weaponise empaths, however as you know this ‘weaponising’ is purely as a consequence of that work and you admitted that you do not care.

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      2. Oh…
        thinking about this as an afterthought…you mean you are repeatedly misunderstood like you are always blameless…
        😏

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      3. Debbie,
        You should call bingo. You won this round.😊As empaths we want to see him change. I don’t expect much change as I have no right. I am hopeful that due to this blog and the good doctors his awareness will continue to increase. He’s more conscious of the destruction caused by his types and will incorporate the 5 rules that he apply here to his relationships.

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  17. Hello HG, only a few words…
    As far as I can see, your “good” feelings were not mirrored by your parents.
    Your father punished you for showing empathy.
    Your mother neglected your desire to be tender, to be seen and so on.
    Your “good” feelings did not matter at all.
    You never learned them. They did not say to you: “Oh HG, are you happy today or are you sad today? They never asked for it. They never saw you.
    And if you was/were? a little bit happy, something dramatic happened and you were ignored again, because someone else got the attention.
    Therefore it was better to cut them.
    Then there was huge place inside of you. This place was filled with envy, hate, jealousy…..
    And I am sure, that your mother supported these feelings, so they could grow and grow and grow. They replaced the other ones or pushed them away. Now you are convinced, that there is nothing else.
    The only one who could have supported you, abused you.
    What a nice family! You have suffered a highly dysfunctional family.
    It would be some kind of wonder, if you were “normal.”
    You need to see your “inner child” and you need someone, who replaces your mother. You need an adult, who tells you, how he/she would react in your childhood situation. Your good doctors have to play “mind games” in a totally different way.. A lot of “Rollenspiele”
    Well, I am not to say, what you should do. And I am not sure at all, I am not a “good doctor.” It would be a huge progression, if you would stop your malignant behaviour. The rest will follow suddenly. And then you are free and not dependent anymore of fuel. Could that be an aim?

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  18. My narc appeared to have two emotions- happy and angry. Happy when risk taking. thrill seeking, and sometimes openly jovial (lean head back and laugh out loud) when successfully bullying one of our teenage daughters to tears.

    On the other hand, in my experience, I came to the conclusion that he projected his own stifled/paralyzed emotions by provoking them in others.

    For example when his father died and he lost his 9th job in quick succession, he claimed to feel optimistic and happy but made my life such a living hell through deprivation and abuse that I felt afraid, sad, hurt, abandoned, angry, overwhelmed…. all emotions that he should have felt after a job loss.

    Your description of a sense of emptiness reminds me of a dream I once had where his “respect vacuum” was represented by an empty olympic size swimming pool. There was dust and cobwebs in the bottom. A wife and children providing constant “respect” by bowing and scraping and walking on eggshells all the time was an attempt to fill the olympic size swimming pool one teaspoon at a time. We always fell short; our efforts were futile.

    Does that make sense?

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  19. HG, it seems you’ve always had the awareness as to why you act the way you do, but to say you have a “growing understanding” as to why, is an incredible achievement in itself. I love that you have been forced into therapy because had you not been, you would’ve never come as far as you have (I sense it through writings like this). I don’t know you at all, but I feel as if all of your work, and our comments to your work, are bringing you to a place of deeper understanding that you would have never known before. I think it’s a given that you are not the walking dead and I absolutely believe you are walking towards something; something greater (and more beautiful) than you have ever known in your life. I just hope you keep your blog going so we can all be witness to the glorious achievements you’re truly meant to know. I would love to witness you become the full-grown man you were meant to be. That man, I sense, is truly amazing!

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    1. Thank you BH, written like the true empath you are (that is a statement of fact, not a disparaging remark for the avoidance of doubt). I am gaining more understanding, absolutely.

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      1. More like a deeper understanding of how to mirror us. I’ve no compassion for full-blown narcissists left. The sadness remains, though.

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      2. I never take your comments as disparaging, HG. I actually take this statement as a compliment and it pleases me to know that you also feel as though you’re gaining more understanding. Thank you for your reply.

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  20. Reading this…my heart hurts for you HG. I feel the pain of your unanswered questions. What horrible thing happened to you? Had that thing not happened, who might you have become? Much respect and love to you. It is very brave of you to share what you have learned about yourself… and what you have learned about us.

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  21. Hello, HG… although i’ve been wanting to for a while, this is my first comment. I’ve been reading your posts and watching/listening to your youtube videos daily since discovery about 3 weeks ago. I find you, and your writings incredibly fascinating, intriguing, and incredibly well done.
    Although there are a great many things i would love to converse with you about, I will try and keep this post as short as possible, and within context of this subject.
    This might start off sounding like i am just telling you my story, which i’m sure you’re not really interested in reading, but there IS a point and reason i am sharing this.
    A few years ago, the narc i ‘knew’ caused a severe CPTSD episode within me that changed me deeply and permanently. I remember the instant it happened. At that moment, the world went gray and dark. Things lost their color, terrible nightmares and trouble sleeping. i felt like a lone wolf in the world and that i always needed to be on my guard. i became incredibly emotionally disregulated. I lost my fear response. i lost my ability to feel much of anything except constant excruciating emotional pain. There were many things that changed, but one that really stood out to me, was i gained an ability to ‘read’ people just by looking at them, without trying. this was something i could not do prior to the moment of what i call my breakdown. i could ‘see’ peoples emotional state. i could tell if they were weak, or hurting. or if they were a predator. It was not something i did on my own, but an automatic thing. i could just see it. I called it a superpower. i also developed a certain sense of repulsion for weakness, people who were hurting, or what some might call stupidity. I also lost my sense of compassion. These were all things that only developed after my ‘moment’. I could only feel intense sadness, anger, hyper vigilance, irritation, impatience, lack of caring, and a sense of wanting to be alone, yet not wanting to be alone.
    Obviously, as a victim of a narc, i had never been that way prior to that. i was what you have deemed a super empath.
    Trying to find out what was wrong with me was what led me to the subject of narcissism. And, as victims do, i spent the entirety of every day for several years, researching, not only narcissism, but the effects of CPTSD on the brain, the body, etc. I learned of neuron pathways, and the HPA axis, etc., but back to my point…
    With lots of work and research, i have been able to pull myself out of the constant depression and excruciating emotional pain, however, i am now left fairly numb and somewhat emotionless. I do not really feel love anymore and almost find it a silly notion now. When i smile and laugh, there is no actual feeling behind it, but almost a memory response. I do think some things are funny, and i laugh, but there is really nothing behind it. no chemical to make me feel happy. i have small, shallow, fleeting moments now and then, but they are gone quickly.
    To wrap all this up, in a way, i feel like i have had a glimpse into what it might be like. I know i cannot know for sure, as i had many years of being a ‘normal’ before this happened to me, whereas a small child who’s brain is still developing, might not have the chance to create the pathways needed for compassion, certain emotions, etc. Mine were permanently damaged due to what happened to me, and I am sure a small child exposed to mistreatment over time would form or strengthen other pathways that protected him instead.
    I obviously would never hurt anyone on purpose, but i do have this underlying sense that weakness is repulsive, even the way people put their words together in posts and comments, i can ‘read’ their emotional state. i can see ‘through’ people, and it’s not something i choose to feel, it’s just there now. I also find regular and normal people incredibly boring and irritating now and i no longer feel like one of them. i have this sense that i am on a different level somehow. not better, per se, just a different level. Again, this is not something i choose, and i never felt this way prior to the incident. While researching i have read many posts on certain forums from self aware narcissists, and find them funny, find their occasional honesty refreshing, and i almost feel like i would rather talk to one of them than a normal.
    What is my point, you may ask? I personally believe you never got the chance to develop the brain connections that make the emotions you do not experience. Your brain makes neuron pathways depending on what you experience, and how often. I believe your environment had much, if not all, to do with it. But you have strengthened other functions. Your fight or flight response. Your survival response. it just became part of your daily dealings and you refined it over time. I personally do not require fuel to function, as i am able to self regulate that way, being a ‘normal empath’ all my life, but as for the inner feelings of emptiness and non-emotion etc, I might just have a tiny grain of sand of understanding of what it’s like and why i feel (or lack) that way all the time now, and i can’t help but think it was the same mechanics that caused mine, that also caused yours. Yours just happened at an earlier time.
    For any normals reading this, please don’t judge. i am just being honest in what has happened to me since the CPTSD breakdown. I mean no harm to anyone, and would not want to see anyone hurt.
    And HG, if you have read this through, i thank you for your time, and for your work. I’m fascinated by you.

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      1. Thanks! I crack myself up sometimes too. Not deliberate, just natural. My sons are the same way, it just falls from our mouths. I am being serious and people will just crack up. I just say what is in my head.

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    1. So are you implying you have become a narcissist? Or is this the beginning of the Narcissists Fan Club?
      Unbelievable.

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    1. I have interacted with them repeatedly ; some are in my family, others are in the workplace and socially. I have observed and learned how they behave hence why I know what they will think and do.

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  22. HG, does your family know about your diagnosis? Did you actually start therapy for the alleged crime for anger management? You must be a great project for the good docs.

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  23. HG, I’ve been hearing a lot more about Grey Rock. Would you be so kind as to write an article relating to it, so I can understand better how to apply it, if ever needed, and what the effects of it are from your perspective? If you already have an article or a book written in regard to it, please inform me as to where I can find it.

    Thanks, HG!

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  24. If you are writing from inside the padded room, Are you getting enough supply from your followers? I read posts from some who sound like they want to try to rescue you. This is the best fuel is it not? The classic “save” game. Until the N hits bottom (incarceration) there isn’t even a hint of hope – except to fuel the savior types of whom you prey upon. And still…we read on.

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    1. There is no padded room. No it is not the best fuel, read Fuel and see the Fuel Index and you will understand why it is far from the best fuel.

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  25. Hi H.G.
    I have no doubt you will find your whole self with the “good doctors” You are too brilliant not to achieve whatever you deem important to you. I loved the way you gave both possibilities for not having certain feelings and I agree that the first pioneers and explorers in their advancement might have lost the fullness of their emotions. However I am more inclined to accept your first explanation that “emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis)” due to deficiencies in your caretakers, not you. And so, because it once existed it can be revived again. Just think of it H.G. it can be like new fuel but better because it comes from you.
    Anyways, thank you so much for being you!

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  26. Repent from being under the control of the god of this world and surrender your life to Christ. His Kingdom is greater! There is freedom in Christ. He is the only one that can heal and restore your true personality.

    Grace and mercy to you.

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  27. I do feel sorry for you, a little, but mostly I feel mildly annoyed that people like you are created because you hurt us so deeply and so often that I wish you were all dead.

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  28. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Although there was a time, not too long ago that I really did. Im still hurting from the deep, vicious abuse that my (mother in law) narcissist put me thru for years.
    But when I finally drew a line, cut ties, and stuck with it, she went to church, found God, and miraculously changed. (Tactics).
    Now she hides her evil from me and pretends to be kind and nice. It’s Very convincing and I’m perfectly happy to go with it, (as there is a now 5yr old grand daughter involved, my daughter) and pretend she is normal.
    But the anger still exists bcz she never apologized for her horrendous behavior. And for some reason I can’t fully forgive her until I get Some apology, sometime.
    However, knowing the Narcissists ways, Im likely never going to get one. And that hurts.

    I guess I feel angry that the N Cannot just be Happy for Others! I’m so furious that they can’t stop being so selfish and always think they are better than everyone yet….. are Jealous of Everything I do! She has stolen Everything from me- even my Daughter!! She took my hair style, my clothing style, my likes, the way I talk, when I said I wanted chickens so bad, she Got Chickens!! Everything. She Stole my most beloved things just so that I wouldn’t have them, when we had to stay with her after our house burnt down with most of our belongings. She told every well wishers Not yo give us anything bcz “she would provide everything we need” but ofcourse did not. She didn’t want us to have anything nice, ever. She’d get so angry whenever we bought something nice for us or the baby. She Could Not be happy for us! And when our home burned down, she was Happy! And she attacked me more viciously than ever. She’d pull the plug on our trailer when we were having family time watching a movie together, many times. She tried to turn my own daughter against me. She kicked me when I was down, and she even beat in my beautiful tamale pan bcz I loved it and made tamales for everyone.
    She hated it when I cooked. Jealousy. Always.

    And the problem was that NO One believed me.
    Everyone thought I was crazy, or making up the vicious little tricks she played on me.
    And her friends tough that I “must have done something” to make her hate me so.

    But I didnt! I only saw thru her facade and called her on her bullshit. Boy, she never let me forget it.

    But now, she’s a “perfect angel” bcz she knows I’ll pull out again tbe First sign of her evil shot again. I even made her sign a two page form, promising many things that she would Never Do Again or I’ll pull my daughter and us Far, far away from her for GOOD!!

    That, and her continued church going, has changed her ways, (towards me anyway) but she’s still a monster to her live in bf and his son, and her various other victims.

    Anyway, it’s both sad and terrifying to read this truth within her and others. But one thing, I want to sincerely Thank You, for your honesty. Your willingness to be honest and admit to what and who you are. That’s something she would Never do. She lies about Everything.
    So it’s very refreshing and somewhat vindicating for me to hear the narcissist admit the truth of yourself. It’s a bit healing.. I just need to come to terms with the fact you Cannot feel happy for others nor empathy. I couldn’t imagine not having the joy I do in life or feeling envious of everything around me.. etc.
    But I guess you can’t feel sadness for emotions you never had… but I just wish you had happiness. And love, and contentment, other than when your hurting others. 🙁

    I wish you love. I wish you joy.
    I thank you for your honesty. I’m sorry I took out my pain from another, onto you. I hope you find God as she has, and are able to find peace in that.

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    1. You will never get that apology. Guess what you don’t need it. But, you can forgive her for her actions through God and pray that the Lord will restore her soul. Must of us have lashed out at H.G oddly he knows the anger is not targeted at him but at the pain from dealing with narcs.

      The spirit of offense is strong and must be fought. Daily, trying not to take it or give it.

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  29. HG,
    Great writing as usual! This article always makes me wonder now that you do know more of the “Why’s ” in your life, does this make it better for you or not?
    You do so much for all of us in our quest to be FREE of the Narc’s in our past, and sometimes in our present. Without you I would still be wondering what happened to me. Instead I found the answers which haunted me for years and have brought me to a new level of understanding and logic.
    You’re the best HG-I thank you very much for all you do!

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  30. Basically the aldi own brand version of humanity. The faulty items sold for a pound at the market stall. Worthless .and happy to be that way. Happy!! Humans generally like to better them selves in every aspect of their lives. You born perfect in ur eyes which is ironic as the world see u as faulty, damaged. Basically a waste of space. Is it still supply when ppl laugh at you? Cause in that case there s plenty of supply. Nothing worse than an insecure man/child pretending to be a big man. Makes me cringe. I think if you d see what we do. You d kill your self. Cause it s what scares you the most.

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    1. 1. Fuel, not supply.
      2. It is very rare for narcissists to commit suicide.
      3. Laugh with us it is fuel, laugh at us in an empty way and it wounds us.

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  31. Oh one question. Be a porno actor for few months every year on a specific time line.. Is that linked to a form of power or simply sex addiction? There s a good one

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